Hands down the illest ventriloquist this side of the Mississippi River
March 21, 2013 12:42 AM   Subscribe

To celebrate the release soulful Southern fried stoner rock band Clutch's new album, Earth Rocker, LA Weekly have put together a list of the Top Ten Awesomely Absurd and Absurdly Awesome Clutch Lyrics. It doubles as an introduction to Clutch, though you can just jump into the title track and Crucial Velocity from Earth Rocker.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants (23 comments total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
Oh god, I had a housemate who started getting all these weird furtive ideas that there were secret important messages hidden in Clutch lyrics.

Strange times.
posted by dunkadunc at 12:47 AM on March 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

My all-time favourite is from "I have the Body of John Wilkes Booth"

Like Marlon Brando, but bigger,
You'll find that creature at the bottom
Of the deep down Susquehanna river

100% American poetry.
posted by Hugobaron at 2:23 AM on March 21, 2013 [5 favorites]

I can assure you that Clutch is the only awesome thing that ever came out of Germantown, Maryland.
posted by bardic at 2:56 AM on March 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

They didn't get the best lyric from Burning Beard, either:

Shadow of the New Praetorian
Tipping Cows in fields Elysian
Saturnalia for all you have
The seven habits of the highly infected calf

I don't like stoner rock, generally -- I've tried to get into Queens, Fu Manchu, etc. -- but I loves me some Clutch.
posted by Shepherd at 3:45 AM on March 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

Red Rover, Red Rover, Bob Lazar's coming over.
- Escape From the Prison Planet.

Though I have not heard any Clutch in years, this line was always the first thing that pops into my head whenever I think of them.

Time to dig up some old Clutch discs, crank it up, and break something.

I need to make a "in case of ROTFO*, break glass" box with something like a small TV inside or something. Then I get to break the glass, and then break whatever is inside, so hey, double win, as then I won't be hampered by that damn 'vaguely responsible adult' voice who tries to logically figure out what I won't regret breaking that spoils the mood.

Maybe a smaller box should be inside, with another glass pane and keys to a nearby front end loader or dump truck... no, therein lies madness.

*Rocking the Fuck Out
posted by chambers at 5:13 AM on March 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

Nothing from Blast Tyrant?

Condoleeza Rice is nice, but I prefer A-Roni.
And that man on the T.V. who speaks to the dead, you know that man's a phony.
Everybody move to Canada and smoke lots of pot.
Everybody move to Canada right now. Here's how we do it:
Bum rush the border guard before he and his dog ever knew it.
posted by arto at 5:43 AM on March 21, 2013 [4 favorites]

One man asked me for a dollar, I asked him, "What it's for?"
He said, "I have seen them." I said, "O.K., it's yours."
posted by snottydick at 7:03 AM on March 21, 2013 [4 favorites]

soulful Southern fried stoner rock band

I had no idea that this was a thing, but since it clearly is a thing, I've decided to just go ahead and start loving it unconditionally.
posted by quin at 7:48 AM on March 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

For like 2 months in high school, I listened to Transnational Speedway League on full blast on my headphones once a day in the hallway. Very cathartic.
posted by Theta States at 8:12 AM on March 21, 2013

Back when rap-metal was a thing, they had a great piss take with Careful With That Mic, which was structured like a battle rap, but with lines like:
Mmm, this is really good ice cream, you want some? Oh, my bad
I didn't know you were lactose intolerant - makes you pass gas

Got the gadget Q gave Bond
Control your mind make you jump in a pond
Quack quack, flap your arms
Leave you confused but completely unharmed.

Saw them live a few years ago, and was blown away by how good they were, but more by how Neil Fallon had this really mild look, like he was a 2nd grade teacher somehow accidentally on stage until he started to sing, at which point he somehow transmuted into a rock god and was totally riveting. That and the metal dude I was chatting with after, who perfectly described Clutch as "a jam band for people who hate hippies".
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 8:31 AM on March 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

First time I heard Elephant Riders, I sort of imagined Clutch as "Frank Sabbath": What Black Sabbath would sound like with Frank Zappa on vocals.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 9:12 AM on March 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

I actually had to step in on that site and correct someone's misinterpretation of one of the best callouts on the album - Burning Beard's 'pink rays from the ancient satellites' as a reference to the god-entity spacecraft that reveals lost knowledge of the true world to Philip K Dick in VALIS (and his actual life, depending on your interpretation). I felt so filthy commenting on a paper's feedback section to debate song lyrics, but by the gods I felt the calling and could not let it go.

Also, everyone who has not already needs to learn the straight up robot rock the fuck out that is 10001110101. Also, everyone who has already learned could stand to brush up a bit as well, unless you happen to already be listening to this track right now, whereupon you can wait until your current playthrough is finished before starting again.
posted by FatherDagon at 11:35 AM on March 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

posted by joecacti at 11:37 AM on March 21, 2013

Every time I play Binge and Purge, I just want go outside and stab a motherfucker.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 4:06 PM on March 21, 2013

Strange cousins from the west
Overstay their welcome
Peculiar manner and strange dress
Who will ever dare to tell them?

The city's always thriving
Hungry bellows of the Minotaur
Everyday more are arriving
And everyday it requires more

Unexpected circumstance
We must not delay
You have all been so very, very kind to us
And we will return the favor one day

Fate is the idiot's excuse
Freedom is the sucker's dream
But we hope you find some measure of comfort
In considering us to be your family
posted by OneThinDime at 4:21 PM on March 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

Listening to the new album right now and it does not disappoint.
posted by iamkimiam at 4:22 PM on March 21, 2013

Remember tripping on the Fourth of July?
Exploding octopuses in the skies
They picked you up and then they never let you down
Everyone's forgiven in the Land of Pleasant Living, now
posted by OneThinDime at 4:35 PM on March 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

Fuck how did I not know about these guys?

This is awesome.
posted by awfurby at 5:22 PM on March 21, 2013

I saw them cold a few years ago - all I knew was that they were supposed to be good. Utterly blew me away as they played 3 hours of the best live rock and roll I'd ever seen. They opened as their jammer side-project, The Bakerton Group.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 6:29 PM on March 21, 2013

If you know someone who knows the lyrics to Escape From The Prison Planet (or Spacegrass) you know a freak worth knowing.
posted by Catblack at 6:57 PM on March 21, 2013

Never heard this band before. These lyrics... are excellent.
posted by ovvl at 5:33 AM on March 22, 2013

I picked up Earth Rocker last night. Really enjoying it. For some reason it reminds me just a little bit of a cross between Monster Magnet and (weirdly) the bluesier stuff Corrosion of Conformity used to do.

Glad I was introduced to them, I can see them living in my playlists for quite a while.
posted by quin at 9:00 AM on March 22, 2013

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