It broke the loop
May 8, 2013 10:48 AM   Subscribe

BREAKING NEWS: Groundhog supervillain terrorizes NJ Little League then escapes from animal hospital. Suspect is still at large.
posted by Potomac Avenue (39 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
Please don't post police scanner updates in this thread.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:49 AM on May 8, 2013 [29 favorites]


This is clearly the work of an unregistered animagus.
posted by elizardbits at 10:53 AM on May 8, 2013 [2 favorites]


This gives me an idea for a video game...
posted by srboisvert at 10:54 AM on May 8, 2013


They left a cute furry creature in a cage overnight with food?

Was this before or after they got it wet?

This is how you get gremlins, people!
posted by Sys Rq at 10:57 AM on May 8, 2013 [2 favorites]


Mama groundhog was probably protecting her babies. If this was the case, I hope the babies made it while she was in lockup.

I also hope that the vet was complicit in her escape: "These people are idiots. I'm going to take her back to her home and tell those assholes that she mysteriously got away."
posted by Mayor Curley at 10:59 AM on May 8, 2013 [2 favorites]


Paging Carl Spackler, Carl Spackler to the dugout please!
posted by tommasz at 11:00 AM on May 8, 2013 [3 favorites]


So that's why it's still not spring?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:01 AM on May 8, 2013


This is the Caddyshack/Bad News Bears crossover that we've always wanted to see, but never dreamed was possible.
posted by Strange Interlude at 11:03 AM on May 8, 2013 [3 favorites]


THANKS OBAMA.
posted by Etrigan at 11:04 AM on May 8, 2013 [4 favorites]


I know this story is still developing, and we can't know any of the motives at this point, but I would like to go on the record as saying I am firmly Team Groundhog. Here are a couple of reasons why:

1) That groundhog rules

2) It is big, it is just so big

3) Wow, don't fuck with that ground hog

4) Did you know groundhogs are also called "whistle pigs"? THIS IS TRUE AND IT'S GREAT

5) Groundhog and I would probably be good friends and I also think cat food smells pretty good

6) good ground hog
posted by Greg Nog at 11:05 AM on May 8, 2013 [25 favorites]


It's about time somebody teaches these varmints a little lesson about morality and about what it's like to be a decent, upstanding member of a society!
posted by KokuRyu at 11:08 AM on May 8, 2013


At last, "Greg Nog" reveals his true colors. BROWN.
posted by Etrigan at 11:11 AM on May 8, 2013


More like round hog. Dang, that thing needs to lay off the ice cream sandwiches.

I AM NOT PROJECTING.
posted by Mooski at 11:13 AM on May 8, 2013


Light the Spackler Signal!
posted by Slap*Happy at 11:14 AM on May 8, 2013


*lies belly-down on bed, twirling lock of hair around finger*

you guys, what do you think Groundhog is doing RIGHT NOW?
posted by Greg Nog at 11:15 AM on May 8, 2013 [18 favorites]


Greg's notebook is covered with "Mr. Greg Nog-Hog" right now.
posted by Etrigan at 11:16 AM on May 8, 2013 [15 favorites]


So that's why it's still not spring?

Is that why football players are out and about out of season?
posted by EvaDestruction at 11:17 AM on May 8, 2013


And this thread is the unexpected winner for "how am I gonna run out of favorites today?"
posted by sweetkid at 11:18 AM on May 8, 2013 [4 favorites]


Anyone seen the Bronx Zoo snake recently? #FalseFlag
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:22 AM on May 8, 2013


Man, all of those links are gems! My personal favorite is the caption from the two NJ.com stories: "The groundhog in Bridgeton wasn't this big, but it looked this big when it was chasing T. Carl Hemple." That is some solid journalism right there.
posted by pitrified at 11:22 AM on May 8, 2013 [5 favorites]


Greg's notebook is covered with "Mr. Greg Nog-Hog" right now.

*whistful sigh* "why wont he call?"
posted by The Whelk at 11:26 AM on May 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


Groundhog and I would probably be good friends and I also think cat food smells pretty good

Are you crazy!?! You would be rivals for all the cat foods!

I feel sorry for the cats with you lot on the prowl.

"Mr. Greg Nog-Hog"

"One was an internet poster with a panache for kilts. The other was a rotund furry baseball-hater. Together, they fight crime in Hog/Nog: The Cat Food Chronicles. Coming soon...."
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:26 AM on May 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


I bet the people of Bridgeton are wishing they had guns right about now.
posted by backseatpilot at 11:30 AM on May 8, 2013 [2 favorites]


I bet the people of Bridgeton are wishing they had guns right about now.

No, no, not guns. Groundhogs. The only thing that can save a person from a groundhog is another person with another groundhog.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:32 AM on May 8, 2013 [8 favorites]


A bigger, automatic groundhog. With a laser scope.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:35 AM on May 8, 2013


The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a groundhog is a good guy with a woodchuck.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:37 AM on May 8, 2013 [3 favorites]


The suspect at large.
posted by backseatpilot at 11:42 AM on May 8, 2013


The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a groundhog is a good guy with a woodchuck.

That is because while the groundhog is hogging ground, the wood chuck chucks wood at the groundhog. Surrender ensues.

How much wood? Well, it's funny you should ask...
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:45 AM on May 8, 2013 [5 favorites]


>BROWN.

NO! THE ANSWER IS TAWNY.
posted by xbonesgt at 11:46 AM on May 8, 2013 [2 favorites]


INT. BRIDGETON SPORTING GOODS

The proprietor, CARL, a grizzled Jersey native stands behind the cash register. The front door opens and GREG enters with his son BILLY. Greg and Billy proceed to browse the baseball mitts. Billy grabs one off the rack.

BILLY
Can I have this one dad?

GREG
I don't see why not. Spring is almost here, and we live near the ballfield.

Greg takes the mitt to the counter followed by an eager Billy.

CARL
(ringing up the mitt)
Did you say you live near the ballfield?

GREG
That's right. We just moved here.

CARL
Well, let me tell you. Here in Bridgeton we know better than to use the municipal ballfield.

GREG
Why?

CARL
The Bridgeton Groundhog.

GREG
The what?

CARL
The Bridgeton Grouhndhog. A beast so fierce that it makes grown men cower in their automobiles.

GREG
I don't think groundhogs are all that scary.

CARL
This one is. It has sharp teeth. Sharp like knives, and a wicked temper.

GREG
Still not worried.

CARL
It's the size of a Prius.

GREG
I'm sure you're exaggerating.

CARL
Think what you want stranger, but when you're running for your life, you remember this: I warned you.

GREG
(handing over the money for the glove)
Uh huh. I'll do that.

Greg and his son exit the store.

CARL
(sighing)
No one ever listens to old Carl.
posted by dortmunder at 11:59 AM on May 8, 2013 [2 favorites]


I was on a morning run through some spent cornfields, some years ago, when I came on a groundhog basking in the morning sun. I stopped to watch it from about 30 yards away. I was surprised at its size. On its hind legs, standing, it would easily have reached almost to my waist. After a time I decided to approach to get a closer look. At about 10 yars the groundhog began to click its teeth in a machine-gun sounding clatter - then I got a good look at its paws (with digging claws), and I got the hell out of there. Groundhogs are cute, but they are not to be messed with; keep your distance.

I lived near that cornfield (a temporary dropout from urban life) One night shortly thereafter the above-mentioned morning run, I was sitting on my porch, looking down about 50 yards away and spotted another groundhog and its mate, simply sitting up near their burrow, looking out at the sunset, about 75 yards from a dusty dirt road. Within a few minutes the local farmer came rambling by in his old pickup. He spotted the groundhogs, stopped his truck and climbed up on the driver's side running board to get a better look. From there he quickly proceeded to pull his rifle off his gun rack and in rapid succession fired two kill shots - BAM! BAM!. Both groundhogs went down. I was taken back at how quickly this all happened. Shocked, really.

The farmer sauntered up the small rise to where the groundhogs lay dead, grabbed them both by the tail, and as he dragged them back to his truck he looked back at me and said in his deep Southern drawl: "My grandma makes a mean groundhog stew".
posted by Vibrissae at 12:00 PM on May 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


Groundhogs are on par with raccoons in their capacity for super-villainry, and actually have more super powers. Not only can they burrow, but like most (all?) rodents, they can also climb (found this out the hard way -- RIP garden) and swim. And they will attack if they think you are closer than their nearest method of escape (e.g. their nearest hole).

They routinely sun themselves in my front yard, or stand on fence posts and gaze out, in a Napoleonesque way, at their kingdom. And yes, even the cute little baby groundhogs will attack you.

Do not taunt a groundhog.
posted by tempestuoso at 12:05 PM on May 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


INT. BRIDGETON SPORTING GOODS

Totally unrealistic; Greg will surely name his firstborn son HERCULES VISIGOTH BUTTERCUP.
posted by elizardbits at 12:12 PM on May 8, 2013 [2 favorites]


GOD HELP US ALL
posted by cmoj at 12:41 PM on May 8, 2013






This sounds like a Parks and Rec plotline.
posted by yarrow at 12:56 PM on May 8, 2013


I'm surprised nobody has noted this year's profound failure by Punxutawny Phil on Groundhog Day and suggested either
(a) this badass groundhog could replace Phil, or
(b) this WAS Phil, a desperate outlaw on the lam.
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:01 PM on May 8, 2013


“She may have had babies in the area and was trying to protect them on Saturday.’’

It's a terrorist cell, time to call in the drones. If there's collateral damage, we'll just say the babies were military-age males.
posted by homunculus at 11:26 PM on May 8, 2013


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