"Who's a good furry dispenser of wisdom? You are! Yes you are!"
May 9, 2013 8:11 AM   Subscribe

Lessons from a Dog: Short, sweet advice from man's best friend in the form of a comic from Patrick Moberg.
posted by quin (21 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
 
Based on this series, I can only conclude that my dog is a terrible dog. Here's Truman's version:
Give and accept affection, freely and often. Unless there is a tennis ball within 20 yards, in which case become nothing but toenails and slobber and fury until tennis ball is found and summarily dealt with. The best time to give affection is right after your owner gets out of the shower, because wet legs taste delicious and fur sticks to them better.

When someone kindly prepares food for you, nudge the bowl around within a five foot radius, sniffing at it periodically until someone mixes it with warm water or sprinkles some cheese on top. If this doesn't happen, take a mouthful of dry food and drop it on the floor six inches away from your bowl in protest.

Always be curious about the world around you, especially if your walk takes you past a bunch of dudes who look really sketchy and are drunk at two in the afternoon. Those people give the BEST hugs and your owner really loves unwinding your leash from around their feet.

Take naps all day so you can be sure to wake up at 6am sharp on weekends to stand on your owner's face.

When your friends don't have time to play, whine pleadingly at them, sit on their head, and drop slobbery tennis balls into their face. This is also an excellent time to raid the bathroom trash can for dirty q-tips to chew on.

When they do have time to play, get really invested in a rawhide bone or make a big show of how good you are at drag-the-stuffed-cow-around-while-pouncing-on-a-tennis-ball-by-yourself.
posted by phunniemee at 8:28 AM on May 9, 2013 [22 favorites]


From growing up with a dog, I learned that you can trick people into taking drugs by wrapping raw ground beef around the pills.
posted by logicpunk at 8:31 AM on May 9, 2013 [6 favorites]


This is also an excellent time to raid the bathroom trash can for dirty q-tips to chew on.

Holy crap! I think our dogs must have trained at the same camp!

[And on preview, as I look at your pup, I see that it might be fair to use the term "terrier-ist camp". My terrier is made of evil.]
posted by quin at 8:33 AM on May 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hmmm...I think my dog is working from a different teacher's manual:

1. Give and accept affection only from the members of "the inner circle." Affection from members of the inner circle may only be given to the dog. Members of the inner circle attempting to give affection to other members of the inner circle should be redirected to give affection to the dog instead.

2. When someone prepares food for you, either devour it in 5 seconds or leave it for the next 12 hours if you're not in the mood. When someone prepares food for themselves, take it when their back is turned.

3. Always be afraid of the world around you. Especially door bells on the TV and people wearing unusual hats.

4. Take naps.

5. Invent your own games when your friends don't have time to play. Like "scatter the trash" and "let's eat some tampons."

6. When your friends do have time to play, you get to make the rules. Like "frisbee keepaway" and "that squirrel is more enticing that that stupid tennis ball, idiot."
posted by drlith at 8:42 AM on May 9, 2013 [4 favorites]


Ooh, look! Someone left a ball of raw hamburger out! (snarf!)
posted by IAmBroom at 8:48 AM on May 9, 2013


Love this
posted by caddis at 8:50 AM on May 9, 2013


My terrier is made of evil.

Seen and raised.
posted by The Bellman at 8:56 AM on May 9, 2013 [6 favorites]


phunniemee, I am so in love with Truman that it's a little distracting. His little floppy ears! He appears to be made of magic.

I'm not sure if this has been on MeFi already, and I know The Oatmeal can be contentious around here, but My Dog: The Paradox is the closest thing I've ever seen to accurately describing my relationship with my dog, minus the fact that I love my dog more than I had any idea I could love anyone or anything, ever. (Warning: The linked comic may induce tears.)

Aside from what's listed in the lovely and sweet OP, here are the lessons that my dog has taught me:
* Always know which side is your good side.
* It doesn't have to be fancy to be fun.
* If you find a sunspot, no matter where it is, sleep in it.
* Be nice to everyone, even if they are very different from you.
* Yes, stealing the covers is wrong, but it's just.. so.. very.. warm.. and sleepy....
* If it isn't already play time, you should probably make sure everyone knows it's play time.
* Sometimes it's just really fun to fuck shit up.
* When all else fails, laugh it off.
* Whenever it's cold or rainy or windy outside, just pee or poop inside, where it's dry and warm! (No photo. You're welcome.)
posted by divined by radio at 9:00 AM on May 9, 2013 [13 favorites]


My dog:
*If you are going to mark your territory don't do it in a water bowl and certainly don't pull a handle to eliminate all your hard work.
*Don't get jealous just because I can lick my balls.
*Your friends should take it as a compliment when I try to hump their legs. Who's ya daddy? Who's ya daddy?
*That's not my tail! That's an evil spy robot attached to my ass. I will run in circles until I catch and destroy it.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 9:16 AM on May 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


My dogs (a Border Collie mutt and a lost hunting dog... maybe a Schiller hound?) have taught me a lot: posted by workerant at 9:35 AM on May 9, 2013 [5 favorites]


From Lacey I've learned a fair bit of straightman comedic timing, but mainly that when people give you affection, it's a good time to smell their wrists to see what food they have access to.

Semi-seriously, we fostered Patrick for a few weeks, who was a 3 year-old beagle that had been part of a lab control group and had never been outside before the day we picked him up. It sounds stupid/ sappy, but he was awesome for me: in spite of having spent life in a concrete run, he was never afraid1 and enthusiastic about every new experience. Especially TV. And music. The secret I learned from him is if you hear voices that don't belong to anyone in the room, they're probably in the next room2.

1. Well, ok, he didn't love grass at first site, but he got used to it.
2. The other lesson is I ought to keep my office clean for when the damn beagles do things.

posted by yerfatma at 9:44 AM on May 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


My dog has taught me all these things, and and also helped me bear the death of my father.

This is my favorite picture of him, because it conveys the best lesson of all, which he teaches me every day -- savor this life with all the joy you possess.
posted by bearwife at 9:52 AM on May 9, 2013 [8 favorites]


The surest way to a trouble-free life is to sniff out the assholes as soon as possible.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 11:08 AM on May 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


Take Naps!
posted by ginky at 11:31 AM on May 9, 2013 [6 favorites]




This thread has convinced me that we need to have an epic Dogs of MetaFilter meetup.
posted by phunniemee at 11:40 AM on May 9, 2013 [5 favorites]


The playbook for bassets is:

Give and accept affection, freely and often, and demand loudly that it be dispensed whenever you want it ..... including at 6 in the morning. Then run outside and howl at squirrels and birds and wake up the entire neighborhood to let everyone know that you're awake and they should damn well be too.

When someone kindly prepares food for you, devour it and then run up and try to devour the beagles' food as well and howl in indignation when they object. Try to jump on the table or countertop to get the human food too.

Always be curious about the world around you and do a lot of howling and barking whenever you see something or someone new to satisfy the curiosity.

Take naps, except when you want to eat, play, or get attention, and then prevent anyone else in the house from taking naps.

Forgive friends who don't have time to play and then go off and get into your own mischief, like peeing on the carpet or ripping a pair of shoes to shreds.

Go out of your way when they do have time to play and then continue playing until you're exhausted, but howl and whine and growl and make backward pawing feinting motions like a bull when they're too exhausted to continue.
posted by blucevalo at 11:42 AM on May 9, 2013 [1 favorite]




After reading these comments I believe that some of you own the wrong breed of dog, while others just don't really understand dogs.
posted by QueerAngel28 at 12:00 PM on May 9, 2013


My dog is not a dispenser of wisdom as much as an alternating current of unstoppable joy and glee and fear of everyday objects. Including, but not limited to: coffee pots, an easel, birds and statues of horses.

Also you can get anyone do to anything for peanut butter.
posted by inertia at 12:49 PM on May 9, 2013


More Oatmeal: How I see my dog VS how my dog sees me
posted by homunculus at 4:58 PM on May 9, 2013


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