Travis and his package
December 4, 2001 10:59 AM   Subscribe

Travis and his package Ubiquitous Calvin Klein underwear model Travis Fimmel does a meet and greet with his fans. "Secure at the front of the roped-off line, Malia Middler, 28, from San Francisco, was found giggling, blushing and excited. She squealed lustfully, 'I want to ask him if it's real!'"
posted by timothompson (27 comments total)
Just an fyi for the ladies: cock is widely available and typically costs next to nothing.

Unlike the converse :)
posted by UncleFes at 11:08 AM on December 4, 2001

Man, am I sick of that guy's batch.

It seems I'm not alone, as a few days ago, I found someone had attached a note to one the giant vertical kiosk ads, reading "OH PUH-LEEZE!" over the enormous crotch.
posted by Down10 at 11:22 AM on December 4, 2001

Meet & greet, greet the meat.
posted by Neale at 11:39 AM on December 4, 2001


that guy is a looker, for sure.
posted by rebeccablood at 12:10 PM on December 4, 2001

He's not quite pulling a Zoolander in this photo.
posted by brittney at 12:11 PM on December 4, 2001

Some days, I wish I was pretty instead of charming :)
posted by UncleFes at 12:26 PM on December 4, 2001

Sometimes I wish you were too, Uncle Fes.
posted by Neale at 12:45 PM on December 4, 2001

Travis and his package? Not nearly as entertaining as Atom and His Package (note: this is a completely innocent link, his package refers to his drum sequencing machine, not to his genitals.)
posted by skwm at 1:01 PM on December 4, 2001

I wanna see Travis Finnel VS Travis Bickle.
(note: in case you don't know who Travis Bickle is, here's a link)
posted by almostcool at 1:15 PM on December 4, 2001

oh. oh my.

and the ad with the happy trail?

posted by sugarfish at 1:21 PM on December 4, 2001

I want someone to "squeal lustfully" for *me*. It's my god-given right, dammit!
posted by aramaic at 1:32 PM on December 4, 2001

Well, he's certainly an "attractive" sort of chap, if you like that "ripped- physique- like- he's- cut- from- a- hunk- of- marble" type of look- I'll give him that.

This is of course further proof that the only thing that matters in life is physical attractiveness; he can walk in off the street and become rich and well-known simply because he looks good. Name another characteristic or attribute which gives a person that much instant success: intelligence, talent, athleticism, humor, charm- sure, with lots of luck and a little opportunity these traits can also give you success, but you still have to really freakin' work at it. I guess you could say he "works at it" by having been in such great shape, but still...

Although I don't get squealing over "the package", other than the fact that for a long time male genitals were a taboo in underwear ads, opting for the emasculated Ken Doll look. In fact, I'd hardly call him big at all, at best normal size- it even looks on the average-to-small side, unless he's a "grower" instead of a "shower". If that's 'big', then apparently I've never realized that the average adult American male is hung like a 13-year-old pubescent boy.
posted by hincandenza at 3:27 PM on December 4, 2001

Yeah, what the hell? I was expecting to see John Holmes or something.. looks pretty average, especially for a guy that skinny.

... not that I looked or anything. I'll just be over here reading Maxim now.
posted by Hildago at 3:58 PM on December 4, 2001

In fact, I'd hardly call him big at all, at best normal size- it even looks on the average-to-small side

I agree. Doesn't do anything for me - he looks so young it's almost like simulated kiddy porn.
posted by cakeman at 4:28 PM on December 4, 2001

Think of all the unbelievably attractive people you've met

Uhh, I must travel in especially ugly circles, because for me that number is zero.

...however, models are spectacularly unattractive in real life. They're just too damn freakish when not under specialized lighting conditions.
posted by aramaic at 5:29 PM on December 4, 2001

Travis's case merely points out a larger truth, skallas, a truth that pisses me off even though all of us are complicit in it. All the unbelievably attractive people I've met pretty much get all their widdle biddy heart's desire, male or female. Period. They live charmed lives, and only the ungrateful ones don't at least have the decency to admit it.

If you ask people, "What is truly important in life?", unless they're willfully cynical they know the 'proper' answer includes things like 'friends', 'love', or maybe 'a good job', 'achieving my dreams', that sort of thing. All seemingly unrelate to beauty. Yet in virtually every 'important' goal, being "unbelievably attractive" adds immeasurably to one's ability to achieve these things. It's kinda like what Molly Ivins said about Bush, that he was born on 3rd base and thought he'd hit a triple. "Unbelievably beautiful" people get promoted more easily and do better in job interview, they get asked out more so can take a relationship for granted because if it doesn't work out, there's a line around the block to be next to them (not that they won't care about a breakup, but for them "there are plenty more fish in the sea" actually makes sense). They have more friends, because even if they have a lousy personality, people who dislike them still want to be around them (either in hopes of finally bedding them, or hoping for some remora-like effect of being around a really attractive guy/girl and getting some runoff attention). Hell, it starts in the crib- cute babies get more attention, more cuddling and affection. It only gets worse from there.

Being "unbelievably beautiful" is like being cast entirely in pure, solid fucking gold, even if it doesn't directly lead to big-timey modeling contracts or movie work for all but a select few. Denying this is being delusional and happy-fairy-land naive. Sure, beauty- like wealth- doesn't guarantee happiness, but if you have either or both and are still unhappy, you are a fool and would be twice as miserable if you were poor and ugly. I guess what I'm saying is I truly and completely loathe any "unbelievably attractive" person who proclaims the burden of their life.
posted by hincandenza at 5:35 PM on December 4, 2001

remora-like effect. har.
posted by dr_emory at 5:59 PM on December 4, 2001

All the unbelievably attractive people I've met pretty much get all their widdle biddy heart's desire, male or female. Until age what? 32? 35? They'll come crashing down eventually, just wait.
posted by gimonca at 6:14 PM on December 4, 2001

I think Travis should be alright if he is the real author of this.
posted by hellinskira at 6:51 PM on December 4, 2001

Yeah. Yeah ?!? can he program in Java ?!?! No I mean server-side Java (real Java). Ok then. I rest my case. I AM the sexiest man ever to grace the 10 X 10 walls of a corporate cubicle and I have the package to prove it:

import com.greggbert.personality.*;
import com.greggbert.brains.*;
import com.greggbert.looks.*;

ERROR: symbol not found !

posted by Greggbert at 7:52 PM on December 4, 2001

so i'm not good looking. i can accept that (i think). despite how smart he actually is, he takes the cake (and rubs it all over his sexy bod- ahem.. er, that was disgusting.), beating even kelso from that 70's show in just plain looking stupid in this picture.
posted by lotsofno at 8:35 PM on December 4, 2001

Wow, hincandenza... I think you're overreacting a bit.

Like skallas said, being sexually attractive has it's perks, but even "unbelievable beauty" isn't nearly as powerful as you make it out to be. One counterexample leapt to mind before I even finished reading your post, and I'm sure with a bit more thought I could come up with many more.

Yes, being beautiful is better than not. So is being rich, and so is being powerful. All of these are really good at getting you sycophants, but not so good at getting you the respect of people whose opinion you value.
posted by jaek at 8:43 PM on December 4, 2001

jaek- unless the people whose opinion you value are restless, horny women. In that case, I think Travis will do just fine.
posted by G_Ask at 9:18 PM on December 4, 2001

Yeah, OK, I'm a bit jealous at first - but then I think, how many of the people in his life care about him rather than his beauty? My mug frightens small children in the street, but my friends aren't remoras (heh) and my partners are fetishists are with me because of who I am not what I look like. (Rationalising? Of course I'm rationalising! Doesn't make my point less valid.)

Oh, and rcb: if you go for that look, you might like to hang out on the beaches in Sydney or Melbourne sometime; he has pretty typical Aussie surferdude looks.
posted by sennoma at 10:18 PM on December 4, 2001

posted by bradlands at 11:25 PM on December 4, 2001

Man, am I sick of that guy's batch.

I'm quoting that, next time I'm out with friends and we end up at a bar with male strippers. Thank you for that. :)

And I agree with Brad... he's not that cute.
posted by jason at 1:00 PM on December 5, 2001

Item of note: in nature, beautiful plumage and bright coloring typically means that the animal is poisonous

posted by UncleFes at 8:27 AM on December 6, 2001

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