15 Ways to Open a Bottle
July 6, 2013 1:15 PM   Subscribe

ah yes, the death of my very first cell phone! Although I'd done it successfully before that, I think that was just a night where I probably shouldn't have been opening any more beers.
posted by mannequito at 1:21 PM on July 6, 2013

15 methods? It's more like two or three methods, repeated with a variety of different objects. I mean, the cell phone, key, screwdriver and lighter methods are all essentially the same method. But at least the automobile and wall methods are amusing and, well, novel.
posted by crazy_yeti at 1:24 PM on July 6, 2013 [2 favorites]

The worst attempt to open a beer bottle I've ever seen was a guy who was so drunk he didn't realize the cap he was vigorously attempting to twist off was not a twist-off. There Will Be Was Blood.
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:27 PM on July 6, 2013 [3 favorites]

Needs more samurai sword.
posted by afx237vi at 1:41 PM on July 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

Previouslyer - Bottle Cap Blues
posted by 445supermag at 1:42 PM on July 6, 2013

What? No lasers? No chainsaws? No explosive devices? Lame.
posted by evilmidnightbomberwhatbombsatmidnight at 1:55 PM on July 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

Most of these just involve leverage and an "I will not be denied" attitude. I used all these techniques except for the teeth one, and always knew all the spots on my cars that doubled as beer-openers. The older-style American seatbelt clips were the perfect size to fit around a beer cap, as was the body side of the door latch, and usually some part of the bumper. The spare tire holder on my Pathfinder had a latch that was a better beer opener than a store-bought beer opener, though it required swinging the tire carrier open.

There was only one time that I was frustrated enough in my attepts to get at a beer that I literally just broke off the longneck on a hard object, then waited a bit for the glass to settle before slowly decanting about 80% of the beer into another vessel.

My experience is that one just has to want the beer enough, and the bottle will become open.
posted by Devils Rancher at 2:02 PM on July 6, 2013 [2 favorites]

I used to wear a silver ring on my thumb and came up with the trick of catching its edge under a bottlecap and using it to open beer. This made a great party trick, but silver is a soft metal, and after a couple of years the edge of the ring got all chewed up... so I replaced it with an identical ring made out of titanium. Which I think I'll go use to open a beer right now. Why not?
posted by Mars Saxman at 2:03 PM on July 6, 2013

I like the survival of the fittest aspect of opening one against the other.

I like the fact that Germans call it a 'handy'.

I like the bottle cap gazebo.
posted by poe at 3:45 PM on July 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

The polka music made it strangely erotic.
posted by bendy at 3:50 PM on July 6, 2013 [2 favorites]

Beer needs to be drunk out of a barrel. Bottled beer is like canned rainbows. It's that wrong.
posted by Decani at 3:52 PM on July 6, 2013 [2 favorites]

Honestly, canned rainbows would be awesome.
posted by HFSH at 4:32 PM on July 6, 2013 [6 favorites]

Yeah, sorry, but if I could open a can and get a rainbow, I'd be pretty damn pleased.
posted by oddman at 4:41 PM on July 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

No twisting it off in one's beergut? What kind of Germans are these?
posted by gjc at 4:41 PM on July 6, 2013

Twistoffs? What kind of HUMAN are you?
posted by DoctorFedora at 4:44 PM on July 6, 2013

Re: Handy, I'm perhaps a little too thrilled that that bit from QI turned out to be verifiably true.
posted by Suddenly, elf ass at 4:46 PM on July 6, 2013

Honestly, canned rainbows would be awesome.

Will this do? Cooked properly, it should bread down into its constituent rainbows.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:27 PM on July 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

A human that prefers the least amount of resistance between me and my beverage of choice. It's not like twist offs change the flavor of the beer.
posted by gjc at 5:37 PM on July 6, 2013

I've learned to use full bottles the easy way. I've learned not to use counter tops the hard way.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:43 PM on July 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

It's not like twist offs change the flavor of the beer.

You're much more likely to get a spoiled beer with a twist-off. Believe me, my research into beer was so painstaking it has been curtailed by the ethics committee.

But yeah, these are mostly variations on the cigarette lighter technique. The trick for easiest release is to hold the bottle loosely at first, then squeeze at the same time as you lever. Done correctly it's easier and quicker than using a bottle opener.
posted by howfar at 7:44 PM on July 6, 2013

I was happy about the desk drawer handle one. It could have saved me some trouble earlier this week!
posted by Edna Million at 8:53 PM on July 6, 2013

The employees at KegWorks put 60000 bottle caps on a wall.
posted by knile at 2:58 AM on July 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

I liked this! The music made it. The car one and the holepunch (very practical for end-of-day beers at the office) were new to me. I also liked the desk drawer handle, but unfortunately my work and home desks are too modern to have handles like that.

I had an Australian colleague once who would open twist-off beer bottles with his eye. That was pretty gruesome to watch.
posted by daisyk at 3:00 AM on July 7, 2013

I remember the first time a friend of mine showed me smacking open a beer on the edge of a wooden desk (Method 5 in the above video). I looked at him like he was a goddamned wizard.

It's the confidence and swagger that really sells a good beer-opening trick.
posted by The demon that lives in the air at 8:19 AM on July 7, 2013

I vaguely recall an FPP from a while back that had several dozen of these techniques (also in German if I remember correctly). The most contentious in the collection was the use of a live turtle.

Currently I wear a titanium wedding ring which is great for opening bottles with a quick grab-and-pop in the cup of my hand. In the highly unlikely event I'd ever get divorced, you can bet damn sure that I'm still wearing this ring.
posted by slogger at 6:40 PM on July 8, 2013

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