It's not a conspiracy, it's a business opportunity
July 25, 2013 1:24 AM   Subscribe

Had enough government rhetoric? Tired of following the sheeple? Fed up with believing what THEY want you to believe? Maybe it's time to branch out and discover THE TRUTH.
posted by Blazecock Pileon (31 comments total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
 
The symbol for the Raelians really is a swastika in a star of david, btw.
posted by empath at 1:33 AM on July 25, 2013


I appreciate the note at the bottom about it being incomplete - it is missing the Templars after all.
posted by longbaugh at 1:33 AM on July 25, 2013


And the Freemasons, and the Rosicrucians. And Satanists.
posted by empath at 1:36 AM on July 25, 2013


And the Liberal/Intellectual Elite. And the 1%-ers. And the Shadowy Right-Wing Conspiracy - although are the previous two subsets of the Bilderberg Group, perhaps, as stand-ins for "Global Capitalism"? Also, Climate Change (deniers and proponents).

And MetaFilter, of course. I SEE YOU ALL CONSPIRING!
posted by alasdair at 1:48 AM on July 25, 2013


+Priory of Sion, RRrrreptoids*1, Cthulthu cultists, the CABAL*2, the Ascended Masters of Aggartha, Metafilter *23


*1the result of a sticky "r" key but sounds cooler.

*2there is no CABAL

*23 FNORD
posted by longbaugh at 1:59 AM on July 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


Piffle. Where are the The Blue Brotherhood, The Black Lodge of Aviarian Adepti, Ghee Hin Kongsi, The White Lotus Society, Ordo Draconis, and the Nephilim?

This chart is for amateurs and dilettantes. For the real business, start digging in here. I'll see you in a few months.
posted by Slithy_Tove at 2:31 AM on July 25, 2013 [6 favorites]


Nothing to see here, move along.
posted by 23 at 2:32 AM on July 25, 2013 [3 favorites]


So, anyone fancy a game of Illuminati!?
posted by kaibutsu at 2:34 AM on July 25, 2013 [5 favorites]


Are the unmarked helicopters circling the area black? Probably world government. Not a good area for play that day. Are they blue? That's the sheriff's secret police. They'll keep a good eye on your kids, and hardly ever take one. Are they painted with complex murals depicting birds of prey diving? No one knows what those helicopters are, or what they want.
posted by kagredon at 3:02 AM on July 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


Posted on 4-20. COINCIDENCE???
posted by L.P. Hatecraft at 4:31 AM on July 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


Piffle. Where are the The Blue Brotherhood, The Black Lodge of Aviarian Adepti, Ghee Hin Kongsi, The White Lotus Society, Ordo Draconis, and the Nephilim?

All those groups merged with the Shriners back in the 1990s in response to declining membership.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 4:49 AM on July 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'd like to see that bunch going by in those little parade cars.
posted by pracowity at 4:52 AM on July 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


No Gnomes of Zurich? No Merovingians?

Someone get Ken Hite to make one of these.

(Always nice to see David Icke's reptoids get an outing (Queen Elizardbeth II?). Presumably Wills and Kate spent the last few days hunched over an incubator waiting for the shell to crack).
posted by inire at 4:55 AM on July 25, 2013 [4 favorites]


That would make a great poster.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:02 AM on July 25, 2013 [3 favorites]


And their wee beady eyes!
posted by blue_beetle at 5:05 AM on July 25, 2013


This is really making me want to break out and play Illuminati.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 5:21 AM on July 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


I see Rupert Murdoch got final approval and made them change the follower for "They're making shit up and telling it to us to frighten us" to "Global warming" from the original "Fox News".
posted by Enron Hubbard at 5:36 AM on July 25, 2013


Very nice poster, but I have to ask, cui bono? Who does this help? Someone is hiding in plain sight people!
posted by yerfatma at 6:20 AM on July 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


"Sounds fun. Can I bring the wife?"
"Certainly not."
"Bohemian Grove."


This is wonderful!

However, there is an unfortunate lack of vicsims.
posted by Sticherbeast at 6:30 AM on July 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


No Agenda 21? That's my favorite. Blue helmeted UN troops are are going to round up all of the suburbanites at gun point and herd them all into inner city government housing blocks. They're going to take away your SUV and force you to ride a bicycle.
posted by octothorpe at 6:39 AM on July 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


It's not a conspiracy, it's a business opportunity

Totally. I met the crazy haired I Don't Know, Therefore Aliens guy this weekend and he had a booth full of merch, including your very own Giorgio Tsoukalos hair masks.

I took two.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:05 AM on July 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


Slithy_Tove that is a great list which is enough to make Alex Jones's head asplode but I couldn't find on there the thing where Barbara Bush is the bastard child of Aleister Crowley and her granddaughters are immanentizing the Age of Horus. Which proves no matter how thorough you think you are there is always something you forgot to include.
posted by bukvich at 8:31 AM on July 25, 2013


No Freemasons? Pfffftt. Don't they know that every piece of conspiracy-theorist batshittery leads back to the Freemasons?
posted by deadmessenger at 9:07 AM on July 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yeah, lack of Freemasons is a pretty grave oversight. I've said too much already.
posted by usonian at 9:44 AM on July 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


So who's going to make the flowchart poster showing all 147 of the conspiracies omitted from this one BECAUSE THE AUTHOR IS PART OF THEM?

I was particularly disappointed that "Big Pharma" was on the top row of choices, because some of the shit they do IS genuinely awful. But then as I read down, I realized something: Big Pharma is probably supporting some of the most batshit-insane 'Alternative Medicine' just to make their own bad science look better (and to make obscene profits on cheap herbs) . Heck, they may even have put Jenny McCarthy onto "The View" because treatments for Measles/Mumps/Rubella are more profitable than the vaccine. Cha-ching.
posted by oneswellfoop at 10:21 AM on July 25, 2013


octothorpe: Blue helmeted UN troops are are going to round up all of the suburbanites at gun point and herd them all into inner city government housing blocks.

Well, come on. Why else would they be buying up all that ammunition? (Forbes is mainstream, right?)

I learned about this from the security lady in my building at work.
posted by sneebler at 3:29 PM on July 25, 2013


That is the most over-simplified conspiracy chart I've ever seen. Is that intended for third-graders? I don't even see the word Fnord on that chart. HAARP is missing. The sun's sudden lower output after centuries of clock-like repetition. Media consolidation? Missing. The INSLAW conspiracy? Missing. And 911 isn't an end-point it's the main trunk of a foaming sewer of options as convoluted as the number of particles foaming the free-energy vacuum that's been covered up!!!

!!!!!
posted by Twang at 5:02 PM on July 25, 2013


oneswellfoop: "Big Pharma is probably supporting some of the most batshit-insane 'Alternative Medicine' just to make their own bad science look better"

Big Pharma is engaged in a conspiracy to make it look like Big Pharma is engaged in conspiracies!
posted by Bugbread at 5:07 PM on July 25, 2013


Twang: "HAARP is missing."

Haarp is on there. Bottom row, between Global Warming and Philadelphia Experiment.
posted by Bugbread at 5:08 PM on July 25, 2013


OK, the Philadelphia Experiment made me giggle.
posted by teraflop at 6:55 PM on July 25, 2013


to be clear, it is aliens. We just don't know what they're doing.
posted by philip-random at 11:59 AM on July 26, 2013


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