Video Game 3,000
August 26, 2013 1:32 PM   Subscribe

That's a lot of feels for a console review, I'm gonna be honest.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:40 PM on August 26, 2013 [4 favorites]

Saw this earlier today and honest to god teared up near the end.
Little you, ten years old, in the bathroom, crying for reasons that made you feel like a grown-up.
posted by kmz at 1:41 PM on August 26, 2013

This reminds me of when our Atari 2600 paddle controller broke and my dad repaired it with a dial from an old thermostat. Defender was way cooler when I had "Comfort Zone" powers.
posted by oulipian at 1:51 PM on August 26, 2013 [25 favorites]

"No big deal," your dad said. "It's actually just the name of an animal. No big deal."

Ooof. I also like the way it doesn't go too maudlin at the end. Just enough. Also, I hear the Video Game 3,000 port of Cap'n Bob's Pink Shoe Advencha is excellent
posted by Rock Steady at 1:53 PM on August 26, 2013 [1 favorite]

It's right there in the corner. You open the lid; all the pages are still there. The controllers might have been thrown away. You pull out one of the cartridges and wipe away the dust. Your dad neatly beveled the edges so that they sort of break in at a diagonal angle. Did you ever notice that? Your thumb runs along the edge, as did his, when the world was young.

Jesus. Yeah, this got me.
posted by ook at 2:09 PM on August 26, 2013 [2 favorites]

I need to find one of those Hampton Bay remotes! Mine is falling apart.

8/10, would offer $10 for remote again.
posted by boo_radley at 2:13 PM on August 26, 2013

Hahahaha haha ha heh...oh. oh jeez. sniff.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:16 PM on August 26, 2013

Return of the Spaceship II: Revenge of the Spaceship is a space adventure title in which the player cruises the galaxy, solves mysteries, and mediates interstellar disputes. There is, in fact, no Return of the Spaceship I, and the nature of the "revenge" sought by the spaceship is unclear.

The Admiral Blork side-story is surprisingly intriguing — without spoiling too much, we'll just say it's a fascinating portrait of a humanoid whose hubris, which once informed his loyalty, is now at odds with it.

Curiously, every page allows for the player to open the airlock, which directs the player to page 173 and results in instant death. Your dad explains: "don't open the airlock. You shouldn't open the airlock. You'll be toast. A total goner."

Mass Effect: eat yer fuckin' heart out.
posted by Sebmojo at 2:36 PM on August 26, 2013 [3 favorites]

To hell with the Video Game 3,000, I want the giant Dymo.
posted by neckro23 at 2:51 PM on August 26, 2013

Thanks for the link, I thought it was going to be an annoying parody article after reading the first paragraph, but I ended up really enjoying it.

I also misread the title of the game as 'Disciplined Hitler Challenge' which led to a bit of a WTF, but no, it's all good.
posted by Ned G at 3:14 PM on August 26, 2013

I also misread the title of the game as 'Disciplined Hitler Challenge' which led to a bit of a WTF, but no, it's all good.

... I swear I used to be able to read.
posted by kmz at 3:42 PM on August 26, 2013

Am I the only one who thinks he would enjoy Carlos Delgado's Disciplined Hitter Challenge? Though in all honesty, I'd probably also enjoy Mark Price's Ultimate Free Throw Tournament or Cullen Loeffler's Long Snapper Simulator.

But I think a good release title for this platform would be Rocks and Sticks. You are a 6-year-old and you've just found a twig on the ground. You must find objects to throw into the air and hit with your twig. You can explore your surroundings in search of larger rocks and sticks, but if you stray too far from your mother, she will take your stick away and drag you to something lame like a museum where you can't touch any object for several hours. Similarly, if you attempt to hit too large of a rock with a small stick, it will land on your foot and you will cry. The game is over when you find the perfect rock/stick combo and manage to knock one of your little brother's teeth out.
posted by antonymous at 4:39 PM on August 26, 2013 [1 favorite]

Wow. I don't know if I needed this right now but it was good all the same.
posted by Our Ship Of The Imagination! at 6:14 PM on August 26, 2013 [1 favorite]

I liked it. It's a stealth narrative; they sneak in a serious story in the guise of a console review parody. I wasn't expecting something this compelling, and I think it makes the impact memorable.
posted by cyberscythe at 7:16 PM on August 26, 2013

In your first play-through, you finished the season with 162 games started, 104 at-bats, a batting average of .048, 86 strikeouts, two home runs, and 263 pounds of venison.

I would play this game.
posted by arcticseal at 8:31 PM on August 26, 2013

I have a theory that the whole story is an elaborate sham, really meant to see how many people notice that the bottom lettering actually says WELCOMETOTHHENEXTLEVEL.
posted by solotoro at 10:34 AM on August 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

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