"I've never been angry enough at a phonebook..."
September 3, 2013 7:13 AM Subscribe
Impress your friends, coworkers, and random people on the street! How to Rip a Phone Book in Half!
Ripping it's the easy part. Finding one, however...
Are you kidding? I get a doorstop delivered every 6 months whether I want it or not. Give me your address, I'll see if I can get them to forward it to you.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:45 AM on September 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
Are you kidding? I get a doorstop delivered every 6 months whether I want it or not. Give me your address, I'll see if I can get them to forward it to you.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:45 AM on September 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
Hey, it's Max Silvestri from Gabe and Max's Internet Thing, a hilarious and woefully under appreciated YouTube sketch from 2007. He seems to be funnier with scripted material though, or maybe when his soul isn't being crushed by the heavy hand of corporate sponsorship.
posted by Pfardentrott at 7:47 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Pfardentrott at 7:47 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
This happens to sideshow all the time; technology and culture progresses, but the props stay the same. Sideshow performers still escape from straight jackets, eat incandescent light bulbs, and swallow swords. Straight jackets and swords are historical curiosities, and incandescent light bulbs are quietly exiting stage right.
The sad fact is that sideshow is ~largely~ like classic car shows: Amazing the first time you see them, but by the next year you realize it's still the same bunch of old cars. It's a challenge for sideshow to remain up to date technologically, and the eclipse of phone books is yet another example.
posted by Tube at 8:05 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
The sad fact is that sideshow is ~largely~ like classic car shows: Amazing the first time you see them, but by the next year you realize it's still the same bunch of old cars. It's a challenge for sideshow to remain up to date technologically, and the eclipse of phone books is yet another example.
posted by Tube at 8:05 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
There was a phone-book ripping craze among my friends in college.
Two logistical issues:
1. Ripped phone books leave a substantial amount of recyclable but disordered waste in your apartment.
2. You will find that phone books, seemingly an inexhaustible resource, rapidly become more and more difficult to source, such that carrying a heavy stack from a 45-minute away neighborhood seems like a good idea.
I have fond memories of showing up about 90 minutes late to their house in a classic college-style "forties and low-grade mayhem" party. Nothing quite replicates the stone-cold sober sight of a tiny living room filled with hundreds of ripped-in-half phone books.
posted by monocyte at 8:07 AM on September 3, 2013 [5 favorites]
Two logistical issues:
1. Ripped phone books leave a substantial amount of recyclable but disordered waste in your apartment.
2. You will find that phone books, seemingly an inexhaustible resource, rapidly become more and more difficult to source, such that carrying a heavy stack from a 45-minute away neighborhood seems like a good idea.
I have fond memories of showing up about 90 minutes late to their house in a classic college-style "forties and low-grade mayhem" party. Nothing quite replicates the stone-cold sober sight of a tiny living room filled with hundreds of ripped-in-half phone books.
posted by monocyte at 8:07 AM on September 3, 2013 [5 favorites]
What's a phone book? - Everyone under the age of 40.
posted by tommasz at 8:07 AM on September 3, 2013
posted by tommasz at 8:07 AM on September 3, 2013
You can compost phonebooks, no? There are worse things to throw away, not least whatever you're using to read this sentence.
posted by oceanjesse at 8:19 AM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by oceanjesse at 8:19 AM on September 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
Back in the mid-80's my public middle school was infiltrated by some guerrilla evangelists posing as a rock band. I don't know what they told the administration to get this sort of access, but one day all of the students were ushered without warning into the school's theater, encouraged with tantalizing comments about a special event. After a brief and unmemorable introduction by the principal , several adults in tight fluorescent clothing appeared on stage and played a bunch of popular covers, steadily getting the huge room full of 7th and 8th graders as excited as possible. At the crescendo of the performance two muscular, shirtless guitarists set aside their instruments and simultaneously ripped phone books in half.
And then suddenly they were talking about Jesus, about how the strength to rip phone books in half was evidence of the power of Jesus. It took only moments for them to begin asking who in the audience was ready to give themselves to Jesus, and then they were moving through the aisles and passing out copies of the new testament. The teachers and administrators were dumbstruck, paralyzed like deer in headlights. We were all returned to our normally scheduled classes and nothing was ever said about the bizzare event again.
In retrospect, I wonder why I didn't try the trick I'd seen demonstrated on the little book I'd been given.
posted by jon1270 at 8:21 AM on September 3, 2013 [9 favorites]
And then suddenly they were talking about Jesus, about how the strength to rip phone books in half was evidence of the power of Jesus. It took only moments for them to begin asking who in the audience was ready to give themselves to Jesus, and then they were moving through the aisles and passing out copies of the new testament. The teachers and administrators were dumbstruck, paralyzed like deer in headlights. We were all returned to our normally scheduled classes and nothing was ever said about the bizzare event again.
In retrospect, I wonder why I didn't try the trick I'd seen demonstrated on the little book I'd been given.
posted by jon1270 at 8:21 AM on September 3, 2013 [9 favorites]
MythBusters had a pretty good episode a couple of seasons ago about ripping phone books in half and other feats involving phone books. Once the method was explained, it didn't seem like such a big deal anymore, and the more impressive thing was trying to pull apart two interleaved phone books.
posted by briank at 8:38 AM on September 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by briank at 8:38 AM on September 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
What's a phone book? - Everyone under the age of 40.
Nah. Under 25, maybe.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:43 AM on September 3, 2013
Nah. Under 25, maybe.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:43 AM on September 3, 2013
I did stab a phone book once, just to see if the good French knife would go all the way through. It did! Slow night at the restaurant. Bored teenagers with dangerous equipment. We all survived somehow. So glad it was before ubiquitous cellphone video.
(I may have been muttering, "Die, Johnson, Navin R. at the time.")
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:43 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
(I may have been muttering, "Die, Johnson, Navin R. at the time.")
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:43 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
I did stab a phone book once
Was that in Reno?
posted by yoink at 9:20 AM on September 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
Was that in Reno?
posted by yoink at 9:20 AM on September 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
is this something that only happens now that the books are so much thinner?
phonebooks: r.i.p.
posted by fuzzypantalones at 9:31 AM on September 3, 2013
phonebooks: r.i.p.
posted by fuzzypantalones at 9:31 AM on September 3, 2013
phonebooks: r.i.p.
Indeed. No more phone book armor, alas.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 9:37 AM on September 3, 2013
Indeed. No more phone book armor, alas.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 9:37 AM on September 3, 2013
I remember seeing part of a British talk show long ago that had singer Engelbert Humperdink and comedian Lenny Henry. Engelbert was on first and demonstrated a trick he knew: tearing a deck of cards in half.
When Lenny came on and the host asked him what he thought of the trick, he replied that it was great and that Engelbert must be real handy when being attacked by a deck of cards.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 9:39 AM on September 3, 2013
When Lenny came on and the host asked him what he thought of the trick, he replied that it was great and that Engelbert must be real handy when being attacked by a deck of cards.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 9:39 AM on September 3, 2013
In 5000 B.C., Raymond Smullyan tells a story from his days as a close-up magician at dinner theaters. He had a table with a guy who was just totally impassive - Smullyan couldn't get any reaction of surprise or amazement out of the guy. He didn't like this, so he pulled out all the stops, doing more and more amazing tricks at the man's table. Finally the guy takes his pipe out of his mouth, slams his fist down, and exclaims "It's a trick!".
posted by thelonius at 9:52 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by thelonius at 9:52 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Those phone books are kind of thin aren't they?
I decided I wanted to see the thickest phone book ever, but it is surprisingly hard to google... This place looks interesting though: Old Telephone Books.
posted by Chuckles at 10:00 AM on September 3, 2013
I decided I wanted to see the thickest phone book ever, but it is surprisingly hard to google... This place looks interesting though: Old Telephone Books.
posted by Chuckles at 10:00 AM on September 3, 2013
the more impressive thing was trying to pull apart two interleaved phone books.
Indeed. If I recall correctly, they had to escalate from Adam and Jamie to team tug-of-war to a hatchback to a larger car to an amoured vehicle on treads before finding something that was capable of overcoming the coefficient of friction involved.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:05 AM on September 3, 2013
Indeed. If I recall correctly, they had to escalate from Adam and Jamie to team tug-of-war to a hatchback to a larger car to an amoured vehicle on treads before finding something that was capable of overcoming the coefficient of friction involved.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:05 AM on September 3, 2013
I shot a paperback book with a .410 shotgun slug from a distance of about six inches once, and reduced it to a cloud of confetti all over the back yard.
Does that count or do I still need to do this to pass the final?
posted by Naberius at 10:31 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Does that count or do I still need to do this to pass the final?
posted by Naberius at 10:31 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
I wanted to see the difference in impact between a hollow point and solid point .22 when I was a kid so I also shot a phone book.
Solid point went straight through and left a hole the same size as the bullet, hollow point made it to the "C"s as I recall, and created a damage ripple the size of a quarter.
Best practical demonstration I'd seen up to that point for lateral dissipation of force. Science!
posted by quin at 10:40 AM on September 3, 2013
Solid point went straight through and left a hole the same size as the bullet, hollow point made it to the "C"s as I recall, and created a damage ripple the size of a quarter.
Best practical demonstration I'd seen up to that point for lateral dissipation of force. Science!
posted by quin at 10:40 AM on September 3, 2013
--I did stab a phone book once
-Was that in Reno?
I hear the phone a ringin'; it's ringin' down the hall,
But I don't know the number, and I can't trace the call.
I'm stuck in Folsom prison, and time keeps draggin' on
But that phone keeps a ringin', an' I can't get 411.
When I was just a baby, my Daddy told me well,
Always be a good girl, and don't mess with Ma Bell.
But I stabbed a phone book in Reno, just to test my knife,
When I heard that dial tone buzzin', knew I'd get ten to life.
I bet there's rich folks Skypin' on their fancy iPad screens
They're probably drinkin' coffee and sendin' pictures of their peens.
Well I know I had it comin', I know I can't be free,
But those people know their numbers, and that's what tortures me.
If they freed me from this prison, if that phone book could be whole,
If I could just have stabbed that bag of month-old kaiser rolls,
Far from Folsom prison, that's where I'd want to stay,
And I'd look up that damn area code for Reno every day.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:15 AM on September 3, 2013 [14 favorites]
-Was that in Reno?
I hear the phone a ringin'; it's ringin' down the hall,
But I don't know the number, and I can't trace the call.
I'm stuck in Folsom prison, and time keeps draggin' on
But that phone keeps a ringin', an' I can't get 411.
When I was just a baby, my Daddy told me well,
Always be a good girl, and don't mess with Ma Bell.
But I stabbed a phone book in Reno, just to test my knife,
When I heard that dial tone buzzin', knew I'd get ten to life.
I bet there's rich folks Skypin' on their fancy iPad screens
They're probably drinkin' coffee and sendin' pictures of their peens.
Well I know I had it comin', I know I can't be free,
But those people know their numbers, and that's what tortures me.
If they freed me from this prison, if that phone book could be whole,
If I could just have stabbed that bag of month-old kaiser rolls,
Far from Folsom prison, that's where I'd want to stay,
And I'd look up that damn area code for Reno every day.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:15 AM on September 3, 2013 [14 favorites]
I learned this method in college:
1. Open the phonebook to roughly halfway through the book.
2. Separate the front and back parts of the book by tearing along the spine.
Voilà, two halves!
posted by gubo at 11:40 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
1. Open the phonebook to roughly halfway through the book.
2. Separate the front and back parts of the book by tearing along the spine.
Voilà, two halves!
posted by gubo at 11:40 AM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
jon1270: "Back in the mid-80's my public middle school was infiltrated by some guerrilla evangelists posing as a rock band."
Wait - for us - they were very good NOT pushing the Jesus thing during School Hours, but had an "after school concert" (which I took my very first ever date to) which they began to use to preach Jesus. I don't know if it's the same group, but if it is...
Their name was Freedom Jam.
And according to a poster there: Terry Fator was in it. WTF?
posted by symbioid at 11:50 AM on September 3, 2013
Wait - for us - they were very good NOT pushing the Jesus thing during School Hours, but had an "after school concert" (which I took my very first ever date to) which they began to use to preach Jesus. I don't know if it's the same group, but if it is...
Their name was Freedom Jam.
And according to a poster there: Terry Fator was in it. WTF?
posted by symbioid at 11:50 AM on September 3, 2013
Rip a phone book in half? That is an old old concept, and as obsolete as phone books themselves.
How do I know? In 1975 (my collegiate show-off years), I was doing an 'act' (I don't even recall the context, but it was definitely 'prop-comic' themed), where at one point I declared "I'm going to tear this phone book in half!" picked up a rather thick volume and started yanking at the outer edges, huffing and puffing for a minute, getting some sparse chuckles from the audience, then declaring "This may take a while!" and started tearing one... page... at... a... time... to a not-overwhelming but encouraging response. This is where comic timing is essentially knowing when the audience thinks the joke is over. I started losing them on the eighth page, yelled "Nevermind!" and went on to my next prop. I actually got my biggest laugh when I finished my whole act, the MC came back, and I was picking up my mess while he was introducing the next act... ("Please move - you're standing on AARON through ABBOTT...")
No thank you for bringing back that memory.
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:13 PM on September 3, 2013
How do I know? In 1975 (my collegiate show-off years), I was doing an 'act' (I don't even recall the context, but it was definitely 'prop-comic' themed), where at one point I declared "I'm going to tear this phone book in half!" picked up a rather thick volume and started yanking at the outer edges, huffing and puffing for a minute, getting some sparse chuckles from the audience, then declaring "This may take a while!" and started tearing one... page... at... a... time... to a not-overwhelming but encouraging response. This is where comic timing is essentially knowing when the audience thinks the joke is over. I started losing them on the eighth page, yelled "Nevermind!" and went on to my next prop. I actually got my biggest laugh when I finished my whole act, the MC came back, and I was picking up my mess while he was introducing the next act... ("Please move - you're standing on AARON through ABBOTT...")
No thank you for bringing back that memory.
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:13 PM on September 3, 2013
1. grab tablet at each end
2. snap over knee
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 12:26 PM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
2. snap over knee
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 12:26 PM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
gubo: "I learned this method in college:
1. Open the phonebook to roughly halfway through the book.
2. Separate the front and back parts of the book by tearing along the spine.
Voilà, two halves!"
I used this to win a bar bet that I could rip a phone book in half. Fortunately it was with a good friend for only $10 instead of getting shanked by a stranger over $50. He won it back twice over a few nights later with an amazing jump shot on the pool table.
posted by double block and bleed at 6:25 PM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
1. Open the phonebook to roughly halfway through the book.
2. Separate the front and back parts of the book by tearing along the spine.
Voilà, two halves!"
I used this to win a bar bet that I could rip a phone book in half. Fortunately it was with a good friend for only $10 instead of getting shanked by a stranger over $50. He won it back twice over a few nights later with an amazing jump shot on the pool table.
posted by double block and bleed at 6:25 PM on September 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Because I am middle aged, I remember Jaime Sommers doing this in the premiere episode of The Bionic Woman as she introduced herself to her new class of miscreants.
posted by bryon at 6:51 PM on September 3, 2013
posted by bryon at 6:51 PM on September 3, 2013
I learned how to do this on Beakman's World! (the TV show of the comic strip.) Sadly, I didn't find the clip on YouTube, but it's clearly in my mind. I always wanted to try it, though. At the time, phone books were still useful, and now I don't get 'em.
posted by Rev. Syung Myung Me at 11:20 AM on September 4, 2013
posted by Rev. Syung Myung Me at 11:20 AM on September 4, 2013
If you have a charcoal grill and a chimney starter, newspapers used to be the best way to get those going. Now that you don't have any newspapers around, phone book pages make a fine substitute, if you are still receiving unwanted delivery.
posted by Kwine at 1:10 PM on September 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Kwine at 1:10 PM on September 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
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