100% ANON, NO SIZE SHAMING
September 27, 2013 6:13 PM Subscribe
"this is not a bad dick pic, but it suffers from some classic mistakes. the first is that you’ve gone for basically a full-tilt bird’s eye view, which makes me feel like i’m you and i’m looking down on my own dick. the second is that the lighting/flash is highlighting the head of your dick in a slightly alarming, “whoah there” way, and your dick pic, like most dick pics, would benefit from some softer lighting." [NSFW]Critiquing your dick pics with love, where "the size of your dick is not determinative of your ability to take a good dick pic, and i will never grade you down on the basis of your size."
Metatalk was once blocked on our campus network, but this went through. Go figure.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:16 PM on September 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:16 PM on September 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Additional warning: annoying tumblr theme.
posted by youarenothere at 6:17 PM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by youarenothere at 6:17 PM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Mod note: Added NSFW pic because it's apparently necessary?
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 6:18 PM on September 27, 2013 [15 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 6:18 PM on September 27, 2013 [15 favorites]
It is on MetaFilter, where we value probing examinations of the nooks and crannies of popular culture.
posted by Nomyte at 6:27 PM on September 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by Nomyte at 6:27 PM on September 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
Sadly you are stuck with the gold-star dyke mod tonight, so please do flag if you feel it's flaggable. To me this looks like a potentially-fascinating examination of a completely foreign culture.
posted by restless_nomad at 6:28 PM on September 27, 2013 [85 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 6:28 PM on September 27, 2013 [85 favorites]
Will I be graded on a curve?
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 6:31 PM on September 27, 2013 [29 favorites]
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 6:31 PM on September 27, 2013 [29 favorites]
Man, this makes me wanna take the most artistic dick pic ever, prolly on some red velvet sheets or some shit.
posted by klangklangston at 6:32 PM on September 27, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by klangklangston at 6:32 PM on September 27, 2013 [10 favorites]
Also, complaining about a lack of NSFW? It's dick pics! It does what it says on the dick!
posted by klangklangston at 6:32 PM on September 27, 2013 [20 favorites]
posted by klangklangston at 6:32 PM on September 27, 2013 [20 favorites]
Y'know, I was about to post
CHICKS NIX DICK PIX
In reference to the famous Variety headline, and I googled it first, and to my complete surprise I appear to be the first to make that joke. I'm still not sure I believe it.
posted by George_Spiggott at 6:33 PM on September 27, 2013 [23 favorites]
CHICKS NIX DICK PIX
In reference to the famous Variety headline, and I googled it first, and to my complete surprise I appear to be the first to make that joke. I'm still not sure I believe it.
posted by George_Spiggott at 6:33 PM on September 27, 2013 [23 favorites]
I'm pretty prudish, and I'm not offended. The reviewer is polite and provides constructive criticism.
posted by jb at 6:34 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jb at 6:34 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
This post has 100% rescued you all from my Penis Analyzer FPP is all I'm saying.
posted by emmtee at 6:39 PM on September 27, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by emmtee at 6:39 PM on September 27, 2013 [7 favorites]
True story: When I first met this one friend of mine, she told me her partner was a gold star lesbian. I was like, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry," until I realized what she meant.
That's all! Carry on.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 6:41 PM on September 27, 2013 [13 favorites]
That's all! Carry on.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 6:41 PM on September 27, 2013 [13 favorites]
"That is actually Dick Cheney."
posted by Artw at 6:41 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Artw at 6:41 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
the biggest name in peen blogging
posted by elizardbits at 6:42 PM on September 27, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 6:42 PM on September 27, 2013 [7 favorites]
This post has 100% rescued you all from my Penis Analyzer FPP is all I'm saying.
futzing around with Shaft Curve: almost as fun as futzing around with Shaft Curve
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:43 PM on September 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
futzing around with Shaft Curve: almost as fun as futzing around with Shaft Curve
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:43 PM on September 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
prolly on some red velvet sheets
not until december 1 at the very least, currently you should use orange or gold with some festive decorative gourds.
posted by elizardbits at 6:44 PM on September 27, 2013 [40 favorites]
not until december 1 at the very least, currently you should use orange or gold with some festive decorative gourds.
posted by elizardbits at 6:44 PM on September 27, 2013 [40 favorites]
Perhaps some makeup would help with the lighting problems.
Boner toner, if you will.
posted by islander at 6:44 PM on September 27, 2013 [14 favorites]
Boner toner, if you will.
posted by islander at 6:44 PM on September 27, 2013 [14 favorites]
I still just don't get the desire to take pictures of one's junk.
On the other hand, I do think it is perfectly wonderful that the Mefi Post before this one is titled "Her wood carvings were made from ironing boards..." Paging Dr. Freud.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 6:45 PM on September 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
On the other hand, I do think it is perfectly wonderful that the Mefi Post before this one is titled "Her wood carvings were made from ironing boards..." Paging Dr. Freud.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 6:45 PM on September 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
i LOVE this. like. lovelovelove. following it and everything. wondering if they'd judge my feeldoe. LOVE.
posted by nadawi at 6:51 PM on September 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 6:51 PM on September 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
"the biggest name in peen blogging"
So, tonight more like masturbate, cry, drink?
posted by klangklangston at 7:02 PM on September 27, 2013 [6 favorites]
So, tonight more like masturbate, cry, drink?
posted by klangklangston at 7:02 PM on September 27, 2013 [6 favorites]
This is fantastic. I have seen a lot of dick pics in my day. And so many of them are terrible. Sure, you have an impressive penis, but I don't want to sleep with or date you because your room is a mess or you still have a childhood stuffed animal on the bed or your room is (god forbid) sponge painted. Read and learn, young men. Not only will you take a better dick pic. But you might get some ass too.
posted by munchingzombie at 7:04 PM on September 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by munchingzombie at 7:04 PM on September 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
not until december 1 at the very least, currently you should use orange or gold with some festive decorative gourds.
That said, do not just flop your dick beside one of the gourds for comparison. This shows a lack of imagination.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:14 PM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
That said, do not just flop your dick beside one of the gourds for comparison. This shows a lack of imagination.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:14 PM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
oh man - if i can see the bed and there's not a teddy bear on it or something, i'm LESS interested. love to see the childhood stuffed animals.
...as long as they aren't actually germane to the picture. like, they're good in backgrounds, but i don't wanna see how big you are next to cuddles the armadillo.
posted by nadawi at 7:18 PM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
...as long as they aren't actually germane to the picture. like, they're good in backgrounds, but i don't wanna see how big you are next to cuddles the armadillo.
posted by nadawi at 7:18 PM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
1) this is the sort of site that proves tumblrs worth to me.
2) can we reminisce about our first dic pic? I was about 14 years old and my brother's friend handed me and undeveloped Polaroid. The pic itself was clumsy and unartful but the delivery had a childish mastery of comedic timing. C+
posted by muddgirl at 7:21 PM on September 27, 2013 [14 favorites]
2) can we reminisce about our first dic pic? I was about 14 years old and my brother's friend handed me and undeveloped Polaroid. The pic itself was clumsy and unartful but the delivery had a childish mastery of comedic timing. C+
posted by muddgirl at 7:21 PM on September 27, 2013 [14 favorites]
Finally, a use for 42 megapixles!
[Added NSFW pic because it's apparently necessary? ]
I can't find the link to this pic!
posted by cjorgensen at 7:36 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
[Added NSFW pic because it's apparently necessary? ]
I can't find the link to this pic!
posted by cjorgensen at 7:36 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I can't find the link to this pic!
*stares*
Wow, I really wrote that, didn't I? I haven't even started drinking yet. Maybe I should.
(It is obviously supposed to either be "Added NSFW tag because it's apparently necessary?" or "Added NSFW to the pic because it's apparently necessary?")
posted by restless_nomad at 7:37 PM on September 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
*stares*
Wow, I really wrote that, didn't I? I haven't even started drinking yet. Maybe I should.
(It is obviously supposed to either be "Added NSFW tag because it's apparently necessary?" or "Added NSFW to the pic because it's apparently necessary?")
posted by restless_nomad at 7:37 PM on September 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
I know.
Also, I love the idea behind this site, and the writing is fairly decent. Otherwise it has limited value for me. Maybe when I was 14 and trying to figure out if everything down there was normal, but I am 43 now and no longer care about normal. I'm also not sharing my pic.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:41 PM on September 27, 2013
Also, I love the idea behind this site, and the writing is fairly decent. Otherwise it has limited value for me. Maybe when I was 14 and trying to figure out if everything down there was normal, but I am 43 now and no longer care about normal. I'm also not sharing my pic.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:41 PM on September 27, 2013
I'm not proud of this, but one time many years ago a friend and I were browsing the m4w section on craigslist looking at hilarious dick pics when we came across one that by all appearances had a sort of hood, in a way that resembled a king cobra. So we emailed the guy to inform him of this, supplying an MS Paint-enhanced version with yellow eyes and dripping fangs. He was...displeased.
posted by invitapriore at 7:49 PM on September 27, 2013 [33 favorites]
posted by invitapriore at 7:49 PM on September 27, 2013 [33 favorites]
I am having entirely too much fun with the Penis Analyzer. And I refuse to expound upon how.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:53 PM on September 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:53 PM on September 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
i’m not mad at your dick pic, i’m just disappointed. your dick pic is anti-erotic & extremely dull.
posted by boo_radley at 7:55 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by boo_radley at 7:55 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Results 1 - 20 of 82 for meatus
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:10 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:10 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I haven't even started drinking yet. Maybe I should.
Always drink in moderation
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:12 PM on September 27, 2013 [28 favorites]
Always drink in moderation
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:12 PM on September 27, 2013 [28 favorites]
*snerk*
Okay, anatomically the word "meatus" just means "opening" - but for some reason, using the word in reference to part of the penis just feels so...perfect in an aesthetic way.
I mean, come on. "Meatus". It's just so damn cool.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:20 PM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Okay, anatomically the word "meatus" just means "opening" - but for some reason, using the word in reference to part of the penis just feels so...perfect in an aesthetic way.
I mean, come on. "Meatus". It's just so damn cool.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:20 PM on September 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Meatus in Saint Louis
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:26 PM on September 27, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:26 PM on September 27, 2013 [8 favorites]
The Penis Analyzer is hysterical. I am apparently The Violent Naive Fur Seal. Mr Mayhem is the Useless Lonely Spotted Sea Snake. :(
posted by mollymayhem at 8:38 PM on September 27, 2013
posted by mollymayhem at 8:38 PM on September 27, 2013
Genitals really aren't meant to have bright lights shone all up on them. Mood lighting, people!
posted by Gin and Comics at 8:51 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Gin and Comics at 8:51 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
So now you can't gather around the secret horse, apparently, and look at your dick and the dick of others. Horses are made of metal and wires now so who cares, right? Horses are all metal and wire now anyway, who cares? Dead horse eyes and everyone's penis out. This fucking country.
posted by passerby at 9:15 PM on September 27, 2013 [11 favorites]
posted by passerby at 9:15 PM on September 27, 2013 [11 favorites]
Rustic Etruscan: "not until december 1 at the very least, currently you should use orange or gold with some festive decorative gourds.
That said, do not just flop your dick beside one of the gourds for comparison. This shows a lack of imagination."
So you are saying to keep the lumber out of the pic? But, it isn't art without SCALE!
posted by Samizdata at 9:23 PM on September 27, 2013
That said, do not just flop your dick beside one of the gourds for comparison. This shows a lack of imagination."
So you are saying to keep the lumber out of the pic? But, it isn't art without SCALE!
posted by Samizdata at 9:23 PM on September 27, 2013
the only thing better than internet peen is unexpected internet peen. thanks, metafilter!!
posted by MoxieProxy at 9:36 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by MoxieProxy at 9:36 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
2) can we reminisce about our first dic pic?
10th grade, a friend snapped a picture of her boyfriend J's penis for us to pass around so we could see that she wasn't kidding about it totally looking like a mushroom. (It totally did!) I'd seen the dick in question in person but couldn't admit that because reasons, so I just shoved it into the pocket of my jacket and forgot about it. And shortly thereafter I fell out of love with the jacket and it got hung in the back of my closet.
A few years after I left home and moved to the other side of the country, my mom decides to raid my left-behind wardrobe and I get a Very Awkward late-night call from her wondering why I had a picture of J's dick. The awkward part was that she knew it was his, even though his face wasn't visible in the photo.
posted by rhiannonstone at 10:50 PM on September 27, 2013 [55 favorites]
10th grade, a friend snapped a picture of her boyfriend J's penis for us to pass around so we could see that she wasn't kidding about it totally looking like a mushroom. (It totally did!) I'd seen the dick in question in person but couldn't admit that because reasons, so I just shoved it into the pocket of my jacket and forgot about it. And shortly thereafter I fell out of love with the jacket and it got hung in the back of my closet.
A few years after I left home and moved to the other side of the country, my mom decides to raid my left-behind wardrobe and I get a Very Awkward late-night call from her wondering why I had a picture of J's dick. The awkward part was that she knew it was his, even though his face wasn't visible in the photo.
posted by rhiannonstone at 10:50 PM on September 27, 2013 [55 favorites]
I haven't even started drinking yet. Maybe I should.
Always drink in moderation
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 10:12 PM on September 27
That is the far and away the funniest thing I have read all week.
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:00 PM on September 27, 2013
Always drink in moderation
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 10:12 PM on September 27
That is the far and away the funniest thing I have read all week.
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:00 PM on September 27, 2013
(I feel compelled to clarify that my mom knew it was his because sometimes you just know, not because she had seen it herself. I really wish my brain worked faster than the edit window.)
posted by rhiannonstone at 11:06 PM on September 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by rhiannonstone at 11:06 PM on September 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
Looking at the pictures I realised that I seem to be in this minority (apparently) of women who like penis'. It's that trope, y'know, 'hur hurh hurh cocks are gross' but I did like tha higher graded dick pics, and the reasoning was good about why those were appealing and the others weren't.
So it was interesting, even just for that.
rhiannonstone: "(I feel compelled to clarify that my mom knew it was his because sometimes you just know, not because she had seen it herself. I really wish my brain worked faster than the edit window.)"
I am really grateful for this edit, just so you know.
posted by geek anachronism at 11:38 PM on September 27, 2013 [7 favorites]
So it was interesting, even just for that.
rhiannonstone: "(I feel compelled to clarify that my mom knew it was his because sometimes you just know, not because she had seen it herself. I really wish my brain worked faster than the edit window.)"
I am really grateful for this edit, just so you know.
posted by geek anachronism at 11:38 PM on September 27, 2013 [7 favorites]
Meatfilter.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:42 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by louche mustachio at 11:42 PM on September 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Ce n'est pas un penis.
posted by deezil at 12:21 AM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by deezil at 12:21 AM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Okay, anatomically the word "meatus" just means "opening" - but for some reason, using the word in reference to part of the penis just feels so...perfect in an aesthetic way.
Am I being unreasonable to find the term "Jap's Eye" offensive?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:41 AM on September 28, 2013
Am I being unreasonable to find the term "Jap's Eye" offensive?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:41 AM on September 28, 2013
Looking at the pictures I realised that I seem to be in this minority (apparently) of women who like penis'. It's that trope, y'know, 'hur hurh hurh cocks are gross' but I did like tha higher graded dick pics, and the reasoning was good about why those were appealing and the others weren't.
I don't think it's so much that women dislike penises, per se. It's just that disembodied genitals of any sort kind of weird. Without the context provided by, say, a hand, or a stomach, some kind of signal there is an aroused person attached to the tallywhacker in question, it just looks clinical, definitely not erotic.
All of this goes out the door when it is a crude pecker drawing. That is an entirely different art form with a rich and noble history.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:57 AM on September 28, 2013
I don't think it's so much that women dislike penises, per se. It's just that disembodied genitals of any sort kind of weird. Without the context provided by, say, a hand, or a stomach, some kind of signal there is an aroused person attached to the tallywhacker in question, it just looks clinical, definitely not erotic.
All of this goes out the door when it is a crude pecker drawing. That is an entirely different art form with a rich and noble history.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:57 AM on September 28, 2013
"That said, do not just flop your dick beside one of the gourds for comparison. This shows a lack of imagination."
C'mon, I know how to stage a dick tableau. Gimme some credit.
(For fall, I prefer the memento mori and turned leaves approach.)
posted by klangklangston at 12:58 AM on September 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
C'mon, I know how to stage a dick tableau. Gimme some credit.
(For fall, I prefer the memento mori and turned leaves approach.)
posted by klangklangston at 12:58 AM on September 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
Man, this makes me wanna take the most artistic dick pic ever, prolly on some red velvet sheets or some shit.
Assuming your dick (or whoever the dick you plan to photograph might be attached to) is within the relatively normal range of human dong colors, I would go with a blue, taking into account a shade that flatters the johnson in question, though jewel tones really tend to set off most units quite beautifully. Red would clash with the pinks and magentas that are usually present in a fully engorged trouser snake.
posted by louche mustachio at 1:05 AM on September 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
Assuming your dick (or whoever the dick you plan to photograph might be attached to) is within the relatively normal range of human dong colors, I would go with a blue, taking into account a shade that flatters the johnson in question, though jewel tones really tend to set off most units quite beautifully. Red would clash with the pinks and magentas that are usually present in a fully engorged trouser snake.
posted by louche mustachio at 1:05 AM on September 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
"That said, do not just flop your dick beside one of the gourds for comparison. This shows a lack of imagination."
I just imagined a dick peeking out of a fully stocked horn of plenty and laughed so hard I scared my cat.
posted by louche mustachio at 1:06 AM on September 28, 2013 [20 favorites]
I just imagined a dick peeking out of a fully stocked horn of plenty and laughed so hard I scared my cat.
posted by louche mustachio at 1:06 AM on September 28, 2013 [20 favorites]
Additional warning: annoying tumblr theme.
No shit. What is it about Tumblr that invites the most obscure forms of navigation possible?
posted by Thorzdad at 4:47 AM on September 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
No shit. What is it about Tumblr that invites the most obscure forms of navigation possible?
posted by Thorzdad at 4:47 AM on September 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
I feel compelled to clarify that my mom knew it was his because sometimes you just know, not because she had seen it herself.
You just keep right on believing that, if it comforts you.
posted by flabdablet at 5:07 AM on September 28, 2013 [8 favorites]
You just keep right on believing that, if it comforts you.
posted by flabdablet at 5:07 AM on September 28, 2013 [8 favorites]
so, here's my question: we know that women also do the naked selfie thing. But I can't think of a thing that is associated with naked women selfies that has the same cultural presence as a dick pick. Is this the fault of Anthony Weiner and his less infamous dick-pickers? Or is because one can look at a huge penis and be like, *whatever else is attached to that body, I have a sense of what sex with that thing would be about*? In other words, is the penis more effective as an advertisement for a sexual experience than say a boob shot or a vagina shot? And why don't we have vagina shots, anyway, outside of porn. I guess I'm glad we don't 'cause then there would be all this emphasis on the correct-looking public thatch and I don't need that in my life.
These are my thoughts on the matter.
posted by angrycat at 5:15 AM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
These are my thoughts on the matter.
posted by angrycat at 5:15 AM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Man, this makes me wanna take the most artistic dick pic ever, prolly on some red velvet sheets or some shit.
I recommend the former.
posted by dirtdirt at 5:36 AM on September 28, 2013 [38 favorites]
I recommend the former.
posted by dirtdirt at 5:36 AM on September 28, 2013 [38 favorites]
(For fall, I prefer the memento mori and turned leaves approach.)
Remember always that you must die
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so you will be
Prepare for death and here's my dick
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 6:22 AM on September 28, 2013 [21 favorites]
Remember always that you must die
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so you will be
Prepare for death and here's my dick
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 6:22 AM on September 28, 2013 [21 favorites]
I just imagined a dick peeking out of a fully stocked horn of plenty and laughed so hard I scared my cat.
I dare someone to take this picture and send it in to the tumblr in question.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:23 AM on September 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
I dare someone to take this picture and send it in to the tumblr in question.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:23 AM on September 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
the dickpic pops up a lot more - men take their friend's phone or camera and shoot down their pants lololol transpires. most women who had their teen years (and after) on the internet have a peniscopia of stories about men sending them cock pics that were never requested. some guys just seem to really like to take them and share them.
as to why the vadge pic isn't in the same thing - i think we're still fighting to get women to even look at their lady parts, much less photograph them - also, we don't seem to find our snatches inherently funny so there's not that angle to it. i also think as women we're more likely to send around the cleavage shot. we save the nudes for our intimate partners by and large.
posted by nadawi at 6:39 AM on September 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
as to why the vadge pic isn't in the same thing - i think we're still fighting to get women to even look at their lady parts, much less photograph them - also, we don't seem to find our snatches inherently funny so there's not that angle to it. i also think as women we're more likely to send around the cleavage shot. we save the nudes for our intimate partners by and large.
posted by nadawi at 6:39 AM on September 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
I just imagined a dick peeking out of a fully stocked horn of plenty and laughed so hard I scared my cat.
Horn of plenty? Plenty of horn.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:08 AM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Horn of plenty? Plenty of horn.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:08 AM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
i think a part of why there's a dick pic culture and not a vag pic culture is because dudes are basically socialized to think and act as if bringing up their sex life (even to strangers, especially those who they wish to be involved in this sex life with them) is acceptable and chicks are basically socialized to think and act as if wanting to have a sex life (especially in public where people can find out) is unacceptable so like yeah one group is gonna be more likely to have a cultural thing about sending people pictures of their genitalia
i once got a dick pic from a dude i'd met five minutes earlier, while we were still at the nightclub, which was weird because, like, he could've asked me if i wanted to see it in person. it wasn't even a super flattering photograph - it had that problem where the flash reflects off the head. practically a lens flare... glans flare? anyway it was very jj abrams
posted by titus n. owl at 7:20 AM on September 28, 2013 [20 favorites]
i once got a dick pic from a dude i'd met five minutes earlier, while we were still at the nightclub, which was weird because, like, he could've asked me if i wanted to see it in person. it wasn't even a super flattering photograph - it had that problem where the flash reflects off the head. practically a lens flare... glans flare? anyway it was very jj abrams
posted by titus n. owl at 7:20 AM on September 28, 2013 [20 favorites]
a completely foreign culture.
Which (invisibly) is all around you and always has been.
(OK, the universal sharing is new!)
posted by Twang at 7:46 AM on September 28, 2013
Which (invisibly) is all around you and always has been.
(OK, the universal sharing is new!)
posted by Twang at 7:46 AM on September 28, 2013
Related Posts: Kendrick Lamar's Verse on Control
posted by box at 8:35 AM on September 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by box at 8:35 AM on September 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Which (invisibly) is all around you and always has been.
Hey man idk where you live that there are well-lit naked erect peens surrounding you at all times but it sounds hilarious and I think we would all like to know more about it.
posted by elizardbits at 8:58 AM on September 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
Hey man idk where you live that there are well-lit naked erect peens surrounding you at all times but it sounds hilarious and I think we would all like to know more about it.
posted by elizardbits at 8:58 AM on September 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
I'm pretty sure the first dick pic I ever received was when I was maybe 12, 13? I was in some godawful crossdresser chat room because that's what I thought being trans meant and someone opens up a private chat thing with me, and I'm like 'yes! A friend! Let's talk about our feelings, friend!' at which point, yeah, floppy dong pic. I have a very distinct memory of this purple wang poking out of black lingerie, and specifically that the photo looked to have been taken in the back of a black cab, in daytime, which implies a story happening there that I never found out.
posted by emmtee at 9:07 AM on September 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by emmtee at 9:07 AM on September 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
They're all around us. Invisibly. I 100% truthfully just closed the curtains.
posted by emmtee at 9:14 AM on September 28, 2013
posted by emmtee at 9:14 AM on September 28, 2013
not until december 1 at the very least, currently you should use orange or gold with some festive decorative gourds.
If you must use an object for scale, you should always choose one that's seasonally appropriate.
posted by a halcyon day at 9:30 AM on September 28, 2013
If you must use an object for scale, you should always choose one that's seasonally appropriate.
posted by a halcyon day at 9:30 AM on September 28, 2013
I did a very careful critique of the aesthetics of each picture on the Tumblr, and I must say the author is has very discerning taste in dick pics and I concur with his/her ratings thus far.
posted by Squeak Attack at 9:37 AM on September 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Squeak Attack at 9:37 AM on September 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
As one of those strange chicks that actually kinda digs dick pics I just would like to propose more unerect and not so many made-look-like-a-10"-monster dicks in dick pics for my pleasure, thx bye.
posted by ZeroAmbition at 10:13 AM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by ZeroAmbition at 10:13 AM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Man, this makes me wanna take the most artistic dick pic ever, prolly on some red velvet sheets or some shit.
Every time I see a picture like this (I don't go looking for them, [Not That There's Anything Wrong With That], but if you use the internet you're gonna see the occasional dick selfie), this is exactly what I think.
No one wants to see a blurry picture or your dick snapped on a cheap cell phone. Put some effort into it.
—Arrange your dick artfully as part of a well composed still-life—a bunch of grapes and a wedge of cheese, a violin, maybe a brass clock or a human skull if you want to emphasize the ultimate vanity and impermanence of your dick. A dick resting majestically on a gilt-trimmed pillow in a library full of leather-bound tomes says something much different than a dick nestled amongst the accoutrements of a rustic meal.
—Don't forget about lighting! The gentle, warm glow of a few well-arranged candles will create a much more aesthetically pleasing scene than the careless glare of an overhead CFL.
—Don't forget to moisturize! The care you put into your dick between shoots will pay ample dividends in the long run.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 10:55 AM on September 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
Every time I see a picture like this (I don't go looking for them, [Not That There's Anything Wrong With That], but if you use the internet you're gonna see the occasional dick selfie), this is exactly what I think.
No one wants to see a blurry picture or your dick snapped on a cheap cell phone. Put some effort into it.
—Arrange your dick artfully as part of a well composed still-life—a bunch of grapes and a wedge of cheese, a violin, maybe a brass clock or a human skull if you want to emphasize the ultimate vanity and impermanence of your dick. A dick resting majestically on a gilt-trimmed pillow in a library full of leather-bound tomes says something much different than a dick nestled amongst the accoutrements of a rustic meal.
—Don't forget about lighting! The gentle, warm glow of a few well-arranged candles will create a much more aesthetically pleasing scene than the careless glare of an overhead CFL.
—Don't forget to moisturize! The care you put into your dick between shoots will pay ample dividends in the long run.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 10:55 AM on September 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
I wonder if the bowl of fruit trick would work. (I sort of wonder what "work" actually means in this context, but, see above, re: gold star lesbian.)
posted by restless_nomad at 10:57 AM on September 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 10:57 AM on September 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
Also I typed "blow of fruit" which is the single most freudian typo I think I have ever made.
posted by restless_nomad at 10:58 AM on September 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 10:58 AM on September 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
You guys, I have never wished more that I had a penis, just so that I could take dick pics for every hilarious tableau mentioned in this thread.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:16 AM on September 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:16 AM on September 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
Okay, so I understand that a gold star lesbian is not a lesbian who lost a child or partner to war, even though my brain always reads like "gold star mother" before I can stop it.
So... assuming it's not rude, can I ask what the concept of a gold star lesbian is? Is it a lesbian who's never had sex/made out/etc with a dude?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:43 AM on September 28, 2013
So... assuming it's not rude, can I ask what the concept of a gold star lesbian is? Is it a lesbian who's never had sex/made out/etc with a dude?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:43 AM on September 28, 2013
You guys, I have never wished more that I had a penis, just so that I could take dick pics for every hilarious tableau mentioned in this thread.
Being a woman shouldn't stop you. Just stop off at the local cockmonger's the next time you're out and get a bucket of cock.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:45 AM on September 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Being a woman shouldn't stop you. Just stop off at the local cockmonger's the next time you're out and get a bucket of cock.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:45 AM on September 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Just stop off at the local cockmonger's the next time you're out and get a bucket of cock.
I believe they usually come in a bowl (Dr. Dre) or a bag (Louis CK)[NSFW]; ymmv.
posted by Juffo-Wup at 11:53 AM on September 28, 2013
I believe they usually come in a bowl (Dr. Dre) or a bag (Louis CK)[NSFW]; ymmv.
posted by Juffo-Wup at 11:53 AM on September 28, 2013
Is it a lesbian who's never had sex/made out/etc with a dude?
Yup. Precise definitions probably vary, but I draw the line at "had sex with."
posted by restless_nomad at 11:58 AM on September 28, 2013
Yup. Precise definitions probably vary, but I draw the line at "had sex with."
posted by restless_nomad at 11:58 AM on September 28, 2013
I have never heard the phrase 'gold star mother' in my entire life, but I know exactly what a gold star lesbian/gay is. What does that say about me?
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:25 PM on September 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:25 PM on September 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
"Remember always that you must die
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so you will be
Prepare for death and here's my dick"
MISANDRIST LULLABIES
posted by klangklangston at 12:39 PM on September 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so you will be
Prepare for death and here's my dick"
MISANDRIST LULLABIES
posted by klangklangston at 12:39 PM on September 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think culturally there is a difference between the 'ew genitals' response. I mean, 'one-eyed wonder weasel' is different to most of the colloquialisms about vaginas and vulvas - the difference between silly and hilarious vs visceral disgust.
posted by geek anachronism at 3:23 PM on September 28, 2013
posted by geek anachronism at 3:23 PM on September 28, 2013
So I don't recall the first dick pic I ever saw so well, but I do remember the funniest.
Years ago, I worked in a large thrift store in Austin TX, with an incredibly amusing cast of characters. One of the people I remember quite fondly was Rose.
Rose was an 89 year old Filpina great-grandmother. At first glance, she was the very epitome of a sweet old lady, but inside she was a tough old broad. She spoke little English, but it was enough to convey that she was amazing and hilarious.
One day during close, as we all attempted in vain to make the store look like it had not been ransacked by rabid wolverines, Rose was dilligently organizing one of the scarf bins. My friend Joey was working with me trying to reassemble the women's clothing racks, which had been hard hit by Hurricane Customer.
From the direction of the bins, Rose called out, "Jooooooo-eeeeeeeee"
"Joooooo-eeeeeeeeee!"
Joey walked over to the bins to see what the problem was.
Rose said "Oh, bad Joey!" and produced a pair of dark, blurry Polaroids. They featured a naked and very furry man, from about the waist to mid-thigh, with a short, thick, and very shiny erect penis.
"Bad Joey!" barked Rose, giggling.
"That's not me!" protested Joey.
Then Rose proceeded to chase Joey around the store with the Polaroids, taunting him by sing-songing "Jooooooo-eeeeee... Jooooooooo-eeeeee..." much to the amusement of the rest of the floor staff.
At some point, Joey managed to confiscate at least one of the pictures. For all I know, he still has it.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:01 PM on September 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
Years ago, I worked in a large thrift store in Austin TX, with an incredibly amusing cast of characters. One of the people I remember quite fondly was Rose.
Rose was an 89 year old Filpina great-grandmother. At first glance, she was the very epitome of a sweet old lady, but inside she was a tough old broad. She spoke little English, but it was enough to convey that she was amazing and hilarious.
One day during close, as we all attempted in vain to make the store look like it had not been ransacked by rabid wolverines, Rose was dilligently organizing one of the scarf bins. My friend Joey was working with me trying to reassemble the women's clothing racks, which had been hard hit by Hurricane Customer.
From the direction of the bins, Rose called out, "Jooooooo-eeeeeeeee"
"Joooooo-eeeeeeeeee!"
Joey walked over to the bins to see what the problem was.
Rose said "Oh, bad Joey!" and produced a pair of dark, blurry Polaroids. They featured a naked and very furry man, from about the waist to mid-thigh, with a short, thick, and very shiny erect penis.
"Bad Joey!" barked Rose, giggling.
"That's not me!" protested Joey.
Then Rose proceeded to chase Joey around the store with the Polaroids, taunting him by sing-songing "Jooooooo-eeeeee... Jooooooooo-eeeeee..." much to the amusement of the rest of the floor staff.
At some point, Joey managed to confiscate at least one of the pictures. For all I know, he still has it.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:01 PM on September 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
Man, I miss random blurry Polaroids of dicks. Really.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:02 PM on September 28, 2013
posted by louche mustachio at 4:02 PM on September 28, 2013
I'll take "Things Not To Say On The Internet" for $1000, Alex.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:31 PM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:31 PM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
I feel so old ... or maybe super nerdy, but I've never been sent a dick pic. By the time camera phones were popular, I was married. The only dick pics I've seen have been on websites about penises and body image, and this dick pic criticism site.
Of course, I've also never sexted or sent anyone a risque picture of myself by phone. One day, they are going to come and ask me to be POTUS because I'll be the one living adult who doesn't have a sexting past.
posted by jb at 6:35 PM on September 28, 2013
Of course, I've also never sexted or sent anyone a risque picture of myself by phone. One day, they are going to come and ask me to be POTUS because I'll be the one living adult who doesn't have a sexting past.
posted by jb at 6:35 PM on September 28, 2013
a dick peeking out of a fully stocked horn of plenty
The only Thanksgiving centerpiece you'll ever need!
Now I can't stop wondering whether Grandma would say something, or pretend through 3 rounds of seconds and then dessert that she hadn't noticed.
posted by vytae at 10:45 PM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
The only Thanksgiving centerpiece you'll ever need!
Now I can't stop wondering whether Grandma would say something, or pretend through 3 rounds of seconds and then dessert that she hadn't noticed.
posted by vytae at 10:45 PM on September 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
I love this!
It's a tumblr about reviewing photos of men's penises that they took. There are about a hundred ways this could be offensive, mean-spirited, or embarrassing, but... it's... actually thoughtful and well-written?
posted by your hair smells like cheese! at 1:33 PM on September 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
It's a tumblr about reviewing photos of men's penises that they took. There are about a hundred ways this could be offensive, mean-spirited, or embarrassing, but... it's... actually thoughtful and well-written?
posted by your hair smells like cheese! at 1:33 PM on September 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
Well, penises are very sensitive.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:17 PM on September 29, 2013
posted by louche mustachio at 7:17 PM on September 29, 2013
Angrycat: I can't think of a thing that is associated with naked women selfies that has the same cultural presence as a dick pick.
My conjecture: In our culture, women and girls are socially trained by peers and glamour magazines (and nowadays, tumblogs) to know exactly how to present their bodies to maximize feminine sexuality. In adolescence, girls learn to shave their legs and armpits, put on makeup, and so on. This is adjacent subject matter to posing for selfies. Fewer men and boys are thus trained: no makeup, no shaving, and when teenage boys look at magazines during sleepovers or while alone in their room, it is generally for purposes other than learning how to pick out a swimsuit that flatters their figure. Thus, generally speaking, when a girl decides to take a selfie, she is more likely to know techniques for showing off her curves, cleavage, sultry look, whatever. Boys are not.
Put another way, whereas girls are trained to conceive of their entire sexuality in terms of how they appear to boys and what boys think of them (which is helpful for selfie nudes), boys are trained to think of their entire sexuality as their wang plus a fantasy woman. (Note that neither of these is a very productive view of sexuality.) Again, these are all gross generalities predicated on "men are from mars" BS, but I think that when talking about People On The Internet some generalizing is warranted.
posted by daveliepmann at 9:26 AM on October 1, 2013 [11 favorites]
My conjecture: In our culture, women and girls are socially trained by peers and glamour magazines (and nowadays, tumblogs) to know exactly how to present their bodies to maximize feminine sexuality. In adolescence, girls learn to shave their legs and armpits, put on makeup, and so on. This is adjacent subject matter to posing for selfies. Fewer men and boys are thus trained: no makeup, no shaving, and when teenage boys look at magazines during sleepovers or while alone in their room, it is generally for purposes other than learning how to pick out a swimsuit that flatters their figure. Thus, generally speaking, when a girl decides to take a selfie, she is more likely to know techniques for showing off her curves, cleavage, sultry look, whatever. Boys are not.
Put another way, whereas girls are trained to conceive of their entire sexuality in terms of how they appear to boys and what boys think of them (which is helpful for selfie nudes), boys are trained to think of their entire sexuality as their wang plus a fantasy woman. (Note that neither of these is a very productive view of sexuality.) Again, these are all gross generalities predicated on "men are from mars" BS, but I think that when talking about People On The Internet some generalizing is warranted.
posted by daveliepmann at 9:26 AM on October 1, 2013 [11 favorites]
Oh man, this thing is great. Only found out about it because of my gold star coworker's comment in Metatalk this morning.
What is it about Tumblr that invites the most obscure forms of navigation possible?
My feeling is it's a mixture of youth culture (see: myspace aesthetics, garishness for garishness' sake), ease of getting shit set up (very little investment required means no serious long dark time of the soul contemplation about design choices), desire to stand out (there are a bazillion tumblr blogs, so there's some incentive to create visually interesting layouts just for the sake of variety, form trumps function), and, honestly as much as anything, the dashboard approach to subscribing to blogs, where regular tumblr readers are as divorced from the layouts of the blog they read as a purist RSS-only reader is of websites in general.
Basically, when content shows up in reliable straightforward presentation on your dashboard, the shitshow that is themed navigation on any given blog doesn't even come into play.
posted by cortex at 1:54 PM on October 1, 2013
What is it about Tumblr that invites the most obscure forms of navigation possible?
My feeling is it's a mixture of youth culture (see: myspace aesthetics, garishness for garishness' sake), ease of getting shit set up (very little investment required means no serious long dark time of the soul contemplation about design choices), desire to stand out (there are a bazillion tumblr blogs, so there's some incentive to create visually interesting layouts just for the sake of variety, form trumps function), and, honestly as much as anything, the dashboard approach to subscribing to blogs, where regular tumblr readers are as divorced from the layouts of the blog they read as a purist RSS-only reader is of websites in general.
Basically, when content shows up in reliable straightforward presentation on your dashboard, the shitshow that is themed navigation on any given blog doesn't even come into play.
posted by cortex at 1:54 PM on October 1, 2013
I like this! Our trusty reviewer is kind & focused on her mission.
posted by aka burlap at 4:58 PM on October 1, 2013
posted by aka burlap at 4:58 PM on October 1, 2013
Having had a friend ask about this, I'll note that the tags here are kinda sparse and could use a little, well, fluffing.
posted by klangklangston at 12:07 PM on October 3, 2013
posted by klangklangston at 12:07 PM on October 3, 2013
A few tags? Or a few dick pics?
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:09 AM on October 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:09 AM on October 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
*pistol fingers*
posted by cortex at 11:44 AM on October 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by cortex at 11:44 AM on October 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
Cenobyte dick pics.
posted by homunculus at 12:52 AM on October 10, 2013
posted by homunculus at 12:52 AM on October 10, 2013
Dickpic is a cenobite from Hellraiser's brief, especially regrettable dalliance into erotica, "Pinhead Does Pawtucket"; originally an unremarkable young man known for sending photos of his junk to random women, he's transformed by a bemused Pinhead into a leather-clad walking phallus with eight different cameras embedded in the flesh of his pulsating pink-grey glans/head.
posted by cortex at 7:35 AM on October 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by cortex at 7:35 AM on October 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
« Older Mabel Pakenham-Walsh, a woodcarver, has died aged... | Sleeping with the enemy Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
posted by Jon Mitchell at 6:16 PM on September 27, 2013 [20 favorites]