Q&A: The Women Who Write Dinosaur Erotica
October 4, 2013 4:23 AM   Subscribe

Interview at NY Mag, prompted by a few internet mockery blurbs linked in the first paragraph.
posted by kavasa (82 comments total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
 
" Though I definitely spoke to the writers of the above books, I can't verify biographical details."

grain of salt, yada, yada, yada....

I chuckled at "I’ll have to go all the way back to when I first started writing erotica, a little more than a year ago.".. 'cuz "all the way back" sounds like it should be a long time ago.... but, "a little more than a year.." not so much...
posted by HuronBob at 4:43 AM on October 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


These folks are on a pretty heavy marketing campaign, a quick google gets a lot of hits from the past week or so....
posted by HuronBob at 4:48 AM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Look, I'm not a palaeontologist, but based on the little I do know, this doesn't seem like an accurate depiction of dinosaur behavior.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 4:50 AM on October 4, 2013 [20 favorites]


These folks are on a pretty heavy marketing campaign, a quick google gets a lot of hits from the past week or so....

You might be onto something here...what if this "author" is really JK Rowling? Actually there no way that is not a fact. Case closed.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:56 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Who am I to judge mutually consensual ... um.. human-saurian... uh, you know, get down with your bad selves.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:57 AM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Well, paint me purple and call me Barney...!
posted by Segundus at 5:22 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


God bless the Internet.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 5:22 AM on October 4, 2013


From a Amazon user review of Ravished by the Triceratops:

Sure this is dino porn. But did you or the author know it was CHILD dino porn? Couldn't you at least make the tale one between a woman and a fully grown Torosaurus, so I have nothing to feel guilty about? "New research from a duo at the Museum of the Rockies argues that the triceratops may never have been a distinct species, but rather the younger form of another dinosaur."
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 5:30 AM on October 4, 2013 [12 favorites]


Of course they're Aggies.

More seriously, I bet almost all my friends' fanfic have better writing than this. But then the same is true of 50 Shades too. Ah well.
posted by kmz at 5:33 AM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


It makes sense that a Tyrannosaurus Rex would be extremely keen to have sex given that it's arms aren't long enough to, er, you know, do the job itself.
posted by MuffinMan at 5:36 AM on October 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


Always wanted to hear the phrase, "You're hung like a dinosaur, now fuck like one." Alas, it isn't to be.

Loved this from the article:

Are Alara Branwen and Christie Sims your real names?

No, those are just our pen names. Do you honestly think we would publish the crazy stuff we write under our own names?

posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:37 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


A hilarious review from Smart Bitches on triceratops erotica. The book got an F.
I'm still laughing.
posted by francesca too at 5:37 AM on October 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


...giving new meaning to the phrase, 'wanting the D'.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 5:37 AM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Years ago, after reading a piece on slash fiction, a friend and I tried coming up with the worst idea ever for an erotica topic. Dinosaur porn was one of our two finalists. Now that dinosaurs are taken we need to focus on our other idea: Match Game 73 erotica.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 5:43 AM on October 4, 2013 [6 favorites]


Well, paint me purple and call me Barney...!

and at center for the Toronto Raptors....
posted by srboisvert at 5:45 AM on October 4, 2013


Slack-a-gogo: "Years ago, after reading a piece on slash fiction, a friend and I tried coming up with the worst idea ever for an erotica topic."

Has anyone covered trees yet? Or molds, mosses and lichens? There's a whole world of protists out there, too.
posted by jquinby at 5:47 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


I don't like to brag, but I am hung like a brontosaurus.
posted by cjorgensen at 5:47 AM on October 4, 2013


"Years ago, after reading a piece on slash fiction, a friend and I tried coming up with the worst idea ever for an erotica topic."

This is a game you lose just by playing.
posted by The Whelk at 5:50 AM on October 4, 2013 [8 favorites]


Brontosaurus never existed. Not even a paleontologist with a very large magnifying glass could find your pecker.
posted by MuffinMan at 5:51 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Pangolins are also sort of trending right now.
posted by jquinby at 5:52 AM on October 4, 2013


Armadildo?
posted by MuffinMan at 5:54 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]




MuffinMan: "Armadildo?"

The nine-banded armadillo prefers to build burrows in moist soil near the creeks, streams, and arroyos around which it lives and feeds.


It practically writes itself.

Nine bands of iron couldn't hold him back...from feeding on his lust!
She'd never forget the burrow of depravity!
Leather-clad perversions across the southeast!

THE ROADKILLED WARRIOR
posted by jquinby at 6:02 AM on October 4, 2013 [6 favorites]


...but I had to check to see if armadillo erotica was a thing and now my google search history is all skeeved up.

Turns out that it's not.
posted by jquinby at 6:04 AM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


a friend and I tried coming up with the worst idea ever for an erotica topic

Speed Read of ‘King of Bitcoin’—the Erotic Bitcoin eBook
posted by Horace Rumpole at 6:08 AM on October 4, 2013 [6 favorites]


But since Christie and I have to make a living writing, we both pretty much just write monster erotica now.

What's it called when you laugh, cry and vomit at the same time?
posted by DaDaDaDave at 6:12 AM on October 4, 2013


Erectopus has been a naughty, naughty carnosaur.
posted by pracowity at 6:13 AM on October 4, 2013


I wonder where they get the art for their books' covers...
posted by limeonaire at 6:13 AM on October 4, 2013


What's it called when you laugh, cry and vomit at the same time?
The Aristocrats?
posted by Thorzdad at 6:14 AM on October 4, 2013 [12 favorites]


A friend of mine wants to write a crossover Amish/Dinosaur erotica. I'm trying to convince him to call it Raptor at Rumspringa.
This really reminds me a whole lot of the whole dragons fucking cars meme.
posted by Lemmy Caution at 6:26 AM on October 4, 2013 [8 favorites]


A young Amish girl comes of age while her family moves ever deeper into Montanta to avoid tourists and gawkers where they settle in a small, like minded community with a terrible secret: they're guarding the last habitat of the Raptors who are not only intelligent, but sometimes take a fancy to newcomers.
posted by The Whelk at 6:29 AM on October 4, 2013 [14 favorites]


And now we have the launch vehicle for SyFy After Dark.
posted by Etrigan at 6:31 AM on October 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


Roy Orbison wrapped in clingfilm with a velociraptor.
posted by ardgedee at 6:32 AM on October 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


Male alligators have PERMANENTLY erect penises which they keep hidden inside their bodies
The reproductive organ of a male alligator is constantly erect and hidden inside its body, a study has found.

Scientists have discovered a significant anatomical difference between the phallus of the reptile and that of a majority of other animals.
(doing my part to link the dailymail with dinoporn...maybe it should be page 7?)
posted by ennui.bz at 6:38 AM on October 4, 2013


"I brought...the...shoo-fly pie."

The underbrush moved slightly and her trembling hand loosened her bonnet strings.
posted by jquinby at 6:38 AM on October 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


BELIVING THE STRANGEST THINGS...LOVING THE SAURIAN /Davidbowie
posted by The Whelk at 6:40 AM on October 4, 2013




Amish Vampires in Space The cover art is just so...
posted by 445supermag at 6:52 AM on October 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


Amish Vampires in Space

Five. Hundred. And. Thirty-four. Pages. I can't... I can't even...

They should have sent a poet.
posted by Etrigan at 6:59 AM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


So I did a little DIY writing retreat this summer with a good friend (who's also a mefite), and tl;dr we ended up purchasing and reading hedgehog-shapeshifter erotica. For science. I mean, really, we had to, because look at the cover. Also because WEREHEDGEHOG. Also because there is nothing more fun on a writing retreat than getting slightly drunk and reading painfully awkward, badly written sex scenes out loud. (Spoiler alert: Although there is some hedgehog-nestled-in-boobs action, there is no hedgie-human sex. The dude shifts back into human form for that. And then they mate for life. You know, like hedgehogs.)
posted by mothershock at 7:06 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


amishporn.tumblr.com
posted by jquinby at 7:09 AM on October 4, 2013


For those of you who like your dinosaurs a little more chastely romantic (and in visual novel form), I call your attention to Jurassic Heart.
posted by asperity at 7:21 AM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


"You call yourself a triceratops? More like a tricera-bottom!"
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:24 AM on October 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


I'm not proud to admit this, but I've masturbated to weirder things.

For the ladies and gentlemen who love dinosaur porn: good for you! We should all be a little more adventurous in our fantasies (they are our fantasies, after all).

(just don't go out and start fucking birds)
posted by gkhan at 7:28 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


This is not a new thing - the internet dinosaur lust community was documented in Warren Ellis' "Bad World" series, accompanied by about the best illustration I've ever seen in a comic book, ever. Monetizing it is something new, though...
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:29 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Tyrannosaurus Rex grabbed her fiercely. He reached towards her womanhood. "Uh, god damn these short arms. Hold on..."
posted by Silvertree at 7:32 AM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Jurassic Pork?
posted by blue_beetle at 7:34 AM on October 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


Amish Vampires in Space

Huh. I did not know there was a sequel to Witness.
posted by The Bellman at 8:22 AM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Can't...favorite...anymore...dinosaur sex...puns... Clicking finger...falling...off...

The upside to this is that now Natural History Museums all over the world can open special ImaXXX theaters for 18+ screenings of Streetwalking With The Dinosaurs.
posted by Mooseli at 8:32 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Jurassic Pork II: The Lust World
Jurassic Pork III: Precumbrian Explosion
posted by jquinby at 8:37 AM on October 4, 2013


This is gross because dinosaurs are unable to give consent, having been extinct for millions of years.
posted by straight at 9:02 AM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


But this book supposes ....what if they weren't.
posted by The Whelk at 9:03 AM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


This is gross because dinosaurs are unable to give consent, having been extinct for millions of years.

Theropods abide.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:48 AM on October 4, 2013


Previously.
posted by Prince Lazy I at 10:00 AM on October 4, 2013


... having been extinct for millions of years.

but they still know how to... bone.

Also because WEREHEDGEHOG.

and if hedgieporn gets stale, you can move on to the really hardcore WEREDUCK porn.
posted by ennui.bz at 10:03 AM on October 4, 2013


For non-fanfic quality (legit published) dino-porn try Hot and Sweaty Rex or Casual Rex by Eric Gracia, science fiction noir mysteries that are just a hoot. Also a SciFi production with toned down, well teevee, too bad the actual porn industry has such low budgets, can you imagine what the kids on Face Off could do with the premise.
posted by sammyo at 10:14 AM on October 4, 2013


Also because WEREHEDGEHOG.

For some reason, I keep reading Werehedgehog as wernerherzog. I assume I am alone in this.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:16 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Werehedgehog by Werner Herzog, you should totally pitch this!
posted by sammyo at 10:18 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Land of the Lost Virginity.

Watch out for sleezestacks!
posted by orme at 10:28 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


Someday a real asteroid will come and starve the dinosaur porn off the internet.
posted by PlusDistance at 10:29 AM on October 4, 2013


Land of the Lost Virginity.

The Land Before Shame
posted by PlusDistance at 10:30 AM on October 4, 2013 [4 favorites]


Harry Harrison did it first... not with dinosaurs, duh... He wrote about sex between humans and dinosaurs. Fucking disgusting to my 15 yo self, but at that age I was happy with whatever sex I could get.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:03 AM on October 4, 2013


Good to see someone tracked them down. I know other journalists were having trouble.
posted by ckape at 11:22 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


life will find a way
posted by Trace McJoy at 11:42 AM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


Basic Extinct
posted by emelenjr at 11:49 AM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


The best thing about Amish/Dino porn is that there are no tricky zippers or buttons for T. Rex and his tiny hands to have to deal with. #MorePlausibleThisWay
posted by rmless at 12:15 PM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]


It just goes to show that everything is somebody's kink.
posted by ob1quixote at 12:50 PM on October 4, 2013


"Everything is somebody's kink" gets me so hot. Say it again... slower.
posted by Etrigan at 1:08 PM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


life will find a way

... to give you the d

inosaur
posted by elizardbits at 1:41 PM on October 4, 2013 [3 favorites]


I don't understand. Dinosaurs are extinct, so how are they buying these?
posted by hoople at 1:47 PM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


dildosaurus
posted by litleozy at 1:56 PM on October 4, 2013


*singing*
Open the door, get on the floor
Everybody fuck the dinosaur...
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:56 PM on October 4, 2013 [5 favorites]


I don't understand. Dinosaurs are extinct, so how are they buying these?

Cha-Ka goes back and forth through the dimensional portal with stacks and stacks of dino porn.
posted by orme at 1:57 PM on October 4, 2013


If you look at my posting history you'll see that I love dinosaurs. However I don't... um.. love dinosaurs, you know?

PlusDistance: "Someday a real asteroid will come and starve the dinosaur porn off the internet."

Gotta get your rocks off somehow.
posted by brundlefly at 2:50 PM on October 4, 2013 [1 favorite]




Great article. "Because nothing spells romance like dinosaur sex."
posted by asperity at 3:03 PM on October 4, 2013


If you find a market that is underwritten or doesn't exist, populate it is actually some of the best advice I've seen about writing for money in the current media landscape.
posted by neroli at 4:34 PM on October 4, 2013 [2 favorites]


This is the thing that is driving me crazy:

"We don't want to get into actual numbers, but let's put it this way: Combined, Christie and I make more money than our friend who has been working as an engineer at Boeing for a few years and Christie's friend who is a five-year accountant in Dallas, Texas."

JEEBUS FUCKING CHRIST. I am having an incredibly awful day at work where I am trying not to break down screaming and crying (and I STILL CAN'T LEAVE YET), and I need to hold my shit together for a long time after that as well, and all I can think is that the freaking DINO PORN GIRLS are making an entire living AT DINOSAUR PORN WHICH SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ANATOMICALLY POSSIBLE.

What am I doing with my life? Why can't I think up dinosaur porn and make a living wage?

Oh right, because I am not yum on bestiality and like having someone else pay my health insurance, that's why.
But still, a day writing dino porn would sure beat my day today.

posted by jenfullmoon at 4:44 PM on October 4, 2013 [6 favorites]


There's a whole world of protists out there, too.

Indeed.
posted by sebastienbailard at 12:35 AM on October 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


What's it called when you laugh, cry and vomit at the same time?

'Round these parts, that's called "The Trifecta."

A young Amish girl comes of age while her family moves ever deeper into Montanta ...

You are appallingly good at this.

(Spoiler alert: Although there is some hedgehog-nestled-in-boobs action, there is no hedgie-human sex. The dude shifts back into human form for that. And then they mate for life. You know, like hedgehogs.)

I bet that lady is going to be shocked when the were-hedge gets stressed and kills their babies, also like hedgehogs. "Bad day at work, honey? HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!"
posted by Amanojaku at 8:04 AM on October 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


we ended up purchasing and reading hedgehog-shapeshifter erotica. For science. I mean, really, we had to, because look at the cover.

It's a pity they didn't use the original concept for the cover.
posted by sebastienbailard at 4:29 PM on October 5, 2013




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