Wide World of Sports Beards
October 16, 2013 4:57 PM   Subscribe

"This is Brett Keisel, a defensive end for the Pittsburgh Steelers who makes the usually frustrating identifying process of having to look for pictures of NFL players sans helmet an unexpected pleasure. Consider two things: i) Why in the name of all that's holy would anyone want to imprison this cascading, oddly backwoodsesque yet pleasingly groomed beauty behind visor, mask or grille? And: ii) Given that he has nonetheless to do so, how the hell does he cram it all in? I'm picturing, in a pleasing sort of reverie, some sort of monstrous snood." The Guardian presents the Greatest Beards in World Sports, parts one and two.
posted by oneirodynia (34 comments total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
Beards + Sports = Love.
posted by DoubleLune at 5:00 PM on October 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


Rugby guys have the best beards, because of course they do.

The thing about Brian Wilson's beard is that somehow it grew on his body, but it just looks like the cheapest fake beard you could buy out of the discount pirate bin at the Party Superstore. I don't understand how that's human hair.
posted by selfnoise at 5:05 PM on October 16, 2013 [10 favorites]


I'd like to thank some of these guys, Johnny Gomes in particular, for making it that much easier to be an out muslim in today's America.
posted by BinGregory at 5:06 PM on October 16, 2013


Seeing Brian Wilson in a Dodgers jersey is so jarring.
posted by roll truck roll at 5:14 PM on October 16, 2013 [4 favorites]


I watched one of the recent ALCS games on a hotel TV with a screwed-up aspect ratio, so all the players looked unusually squat and broad. It was surprisingly hard to call the Red Sox by their own names, as I kept confusing them with the dwarves of Middle-Earth.
posted by RogerB at 5:16 PM on October 16, 2013 [6 favorites]


link 1, deslided
link 2, deslided
posted by the man of twists and turns at 5:19 PM on October 16, 2013 [8 favorites]


From the article: and if the Red Sox do not have a monopoly on baseball playoff beards, nor does baseball have a monopoly on the genre. Here, in evidence, is Scott Niedermayer of the Anaheim Ducks, pictured after winning the Stanley Cup in 2007

I don't know if it's just unfortunate phrasing here but my understanding is that playoff beards originated in hockey. Wikipedia agrees.
posted by mhum at 5:23 PM on October 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


Not sure I'm comfortable with porn being posted to the front page of MF.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:36 PM on October 16, 2013 [3 favorites]


This dude's writing is way more unkempt than any beard on the list.
posted by mullacc at 5:38 PM on October 16, 2013


After and before
posted by islander at 5:41 PM on October 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


Even if I didn't have a rooting interest in the Tigers, I'd be rooting against the Red Sox because of their horrible, horrible grooming.
posted by kirkaracha at 5:57 PM on October 16, 2013


James Harden's beard is a perfect, beautiful specimen, but good lord that Adam Kleeberger picture is amazing.
posted by Navelgazer at 6:22 PM on October 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm watching the Red Sox play right now and they just did a bit where the players revealed the names of their beards as Ironsides, Saltine, the Wolf, respectively.
posted by exogenous at 6:22 PM on October 16, 2013


No Daniel Bryan, no dice.
posted by ShawnStruck at 6:27 PM on October 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


I just heard a torrent of profanity erupt from the living room "OF COURSE THE RED SOX AND THEIR STUPID FUCKING BEARDS JESUS"

There are some mad powerful sports feelings happening in this house.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:32 PM on October 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


The thing about Brian Wilson's beard is that somehow it grew on his body, but it just looks like the cheapest fake beard you could buy out of the discount pirate bin at the Party Superstore.

It's 'cause he dyes it. It gives it just a little extra veneer of unnaturalness.
posted by oneirodynia at 6:33 PM on October 16, 2013


Barely related mini-rant: Moustachioed millenials of Portland, heed my words. I understand, you have wanted to have the act of having a moustache be socially acceptable since your first peach fuzz sprouts. It is a right of passage of sorts for every male capable of growing facial hair to have at some point had a moustache if for no other reason then to see if you could pull it off. And current trends allow and even reward you for having the sort of long and wonderful moustache that would have made you the target of many a schoolyard taunting when you were a teenager. But there is something you need to know about moustache wax: It is a grooming product intended to enhance the natural flow of your hair. Using a tiny amount to give some structural integrity to the shaft as it extends outward according to its natural grain is perfectly okay. I myself use wax to keep the wayward hairs at bay and to straighten the bits at the end which naturally want to curve upwards but I prefer to remain straight. When you glom it on to the extent that the hairs would act as a candle wick if you lit your cigarette the wrong way, you are using far too much. The famous photo of Salvador Dali with his moustache heavily waxed to the point where it will remain creased at a 90 degree angle is a photo of SALVADOR DALI. It wasn't intended to look in any way anything but bizarre. I am relatively sure that you aren't going for surreal when you open up that tin of wax you bought at Tender Loving Empire on your way to your coffee date at Case Study Coffee with the bespectacled fringe hair girl you met at for Doug Fir Lounge.
posted by mediocre at 6:41 PM on October 16, 2013 [2 favorites]


Ha! The comments on Scott Hartnell are eerily appropriate.

As a side note, Brett Keisel shaves his beard off at the end of football season, as a charity fundraiser. I hear it is quite the social event in Pittsburgh...
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 6:58 PM on October 16, 2013


Not sure I'm comfortable with porn being posted to the front page of MF.

I fisrt became aware of the whole Red Sox beardy thing when one of my friends posted shirtless locker room pics of Mike Napoli with the caption -
There is now a hole in my shorts.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:59 PM on October 16, 2013


Barely related mini-rant:


HOW CAN YOU GO OFF ON A MUSTACHE TANGENT IN A FACIAL HAIR AND SPORTS THREAD WITHOUT SO MUCH AS MENTIONING ROLLIE FINGERS

you're on my list buddy
posted by louche mustachio at 7:02 PM on October 16, 2013 [3 favorites]




S├ębastien Chabal is beautiful.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 7:23 PM on October 16, 2013


I blame Zero Dark Thirty for the current spate of beards. Pro athletes will not be out-badassed by ST6.
posted by Brocktoon at 7:28 PM on October 16, 2013


James Harden, Daniel Bryan, then all other beards.
posted by Ghidorah at 7:49 PM on October 16, 2013


Beefy, possibly a... the best putative casting for the lead role in a long overdue TV adaptation of the Flashman novels.

WAIT. NO ONE HAS DONE THIS YET!? SERIOUSLY TV FOLKS, GET ON THAT! I DEMAND THAT FLASHMAN BE GIVEN A PROPER TV TREATMENT!

Ahem. Now then. I also mean to say that while sportsmen may have some epic beards, us bartenders can, and will always, hold the title in this particular event. That is all.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 9:40 PM on October 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


Beards are weird. As a bike rider, I find the bugs in my beard highly annoying, as they crawl around to the side to get out (the wind pins them down). Not sure how long it will last. For now, it amuses me. It all started because I had a cold and stayed home for a few days. LOL!
posted by Goofyy at 10:01 PM on October 16, 2013


I bet WG Grace cheated for his beard - he did at everything else.
posted by Abiezer at 10:12 PM on October 16, 2013


Roy "Big Country" Nelson, the MMA fighter, has a beard you could lose small animals in quite easily and his opponent in the next bout, Daniel Cormier had tried to request that it be shaved clean for the night. Luckily, clearer heads have prevailed and his granite chin will remain firmly ensconced behind the knuckleproof beard.

Johnny "Big Rigg" Hendricks also rocks a beard which he grows during fight camp and refuses to trim until after the fight. It's a bit of a thing with MMA fighters and is probably part of the right-wing/nationalistic "Warrior" thing that obsesses a lot of US Americans (you won't find many European or Brazilian fighters going down that route).
posted by longbaugh at 12:15 AM on October 17, 2013


All those big, bearded bears in MMA and ultimate fighting and such just strengthens my conviction that those "sports" are just dryhumping for gay porn.
posted by MartinWisse at 12:35 AM on October 17, 2013


Not that there's anything wrong with that.
posted by MartinWisse at 12:36 AM on October 17, 2013


Can sharks grow beards, 'cause I think it's about that time.
posted by humboldt32 at 1:29 AM on October 17, 2013


Can sharks grow beards, 'cause I think it's about that time.

Done.
posted by JDC8 at 10:15 AM on October 17, 2013


Um, no. I know a beaver when I see one.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:53 AM on October 17, 2013


Though the Oakland Athletics have since been knocked out of the baseball playoffs, it wasn't for lack of trying. A's pitchers share bond thanks to new facial hair. Doesn't even mention my vote-getter Josh Reddick.
posted by Metro Gnome at 1:26 PM on October 17, 2013


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