Schiano Schiano Schiano

October 25, 2013 9:29 AM

Breaking Madden: Greg Schiano, Greg Schiano, Greg Schiano, and Greg Schiano. Greg Schiano, the head coach of the still winless Buccaneers said earlier this season that the solution to their problem was more Greg Schiano. To test this theory, Jon Bois (previously) tinkered a bit with Madden to reproduce this week's Bucs-Jaguars game with Greg Schiano as every player on the Bucs.
posted by kmz (35 comments total)

Don't forget the wonderful MSRA infection sweeping through the bucs locker room! The Falcons had people with hazmat suits cleaning out the visitors lockers after the bucs stopped by.
posted by Carillon at 9:33 AM on October 25, 2013

This is some of the best games writing I've ever read.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 9:34 AM on October 25, 2013 [2 favorites]

Also, just FYI, Greg Schiano is super awful.
posted by kbanas at 9:41 AM on October 25, 2013

Excellent.
posted by codacorolla at 9:45 AM on October 25, 2013

I have a feeling this Breaking Madden installment might be more popular in the Bucs locker room than a biohazard suit. When MRSA sweeping through your locker room is a sidenote to how shitty your season is, you are in a bad, bad place.

For those not in the know, the Buccaneers are 0-7. And Schiano's team fucking hates him ("Greg Schiano loses Tampa Bay Buccaneers with autocratic style") and that's according to NFL.com -- a site not exactly known for speaking out about league business.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:46 AM on October 25, 2013 [1 favorite]

There was something about the way the entire defensive line swarmed QB Schiano in this GIF, hitting him in waves like velociraptors in helmets that just started me laughing for like five minutes. Just like all of a sudden, everything in Schiano's world is massive angry men bearing down on him, and once the first set destroys him, the second set swoops in to pick up the ball and carry it in for a touchdown. Not seen are the third set of men, who are outside the stadium letting the air out of his tires and putting a banana in his tailpipe, or the fourth set of men who are in his office, hiding sardines behind his desk and drawing a moustache on the picture of his wife. That's how thoroughly virtual QB Schiano is getting worked over in this play.
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 9:50 AM on October 25, 2013 [3 favorites]

The full-field view gif of the sack being recovered for a fumble and a TD is going to have me chuckling all afternoon.
posted by Curious Artificer at 9:50 AM on October 25, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yeah, that one!
posted by Curious Artificer at 9:50 AM on October 25, 2013

This would have worked with Tecmo Bowl's Bo Jackson.
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:53 AM on October 25, 2013 [1 favorite]

That was actually a HB screen play and the offensive line was doing exactly what the play told them to do but it's a really funny .gif and it tells the story well so whatever
posted by penduluum at 9:56 AM on October 25, 2013

I strongly dislike both sports writing and video game writing and found this to be the funniest thing ever.
posted by kiltedtaco at 10:19 AM on October 25, 2013

I'm beginning to get the appeal of a football video game. This is funny.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:19 AM on October 25, 2013

You mean jumping a coach from Rutgers to NFL didn't work out?

Even as a Rutgers alum, this was completely expected.
posted by smackfu at 10:25 AM on October 25, 2013

Even as a Rutgers alum, this was completely expected.


After Lloyd Carr stepped down, there was a lot of talk that he would maybe come to Michigan. Really super pleased that didn't work out.
posted by kbanas at 10:30 AM on October 25, 2013 [1 favorite]

A Schiano man doesn't rely on anyone but himself... and 21 of his clones.
posted by drezdn at 10:37 AM on October 25, 2013

I strongly dislike both sports writing and video game writing and found this to be the funniest thing ever.

Jon Bois has been on the Blue a handful of times in the last few months. He's always a treasure. Here he is "fixing" GTA V.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 10:42 AM on October 25, 2013 [2 favorites]

You mean jumping a coach from Rutgers to NFL didn't work out?

Well, to the Buccaneers. More of a hop, really.
posted by Etrigan at 10:46 AM on October 25, 2013 [1 favorite]

Speed=10. All the Schianos are about as fast as my four-year-old. No surprise to the score.

I think the people likely to find this funny are those not to play computer football. Maybe.

And piling on is for chumps.

That said, dood is a Christ-like asshole.
posted by mrgrimm at 10:46 AM on October 25, 2013

I love this, as I love everything Jon Bois writes, but this particularly nails what my first thought was when I saw an option for "All Madden Team."
posted by Navelgazer at 10:51 AM on October 25, 2013 [2 favorites]

Holy shit, that was excellent.
posted by COBRA! at 10:56 AM on October 25, 2013

And Schiano's team fucking hates him ("Greg Schiano loses Tampa Bay Buccaneers with autocratic style") and that's according to NFL.com -- a site not exactly known for speaking out about league business.

Invisible subtitle: "and has also pissed off the NFL commissioner and PR staff".
posted by jaduncan at 11:03 AM on October 25, 2013 [1 favorite]

Admission: I created Miis of a few famous people I dislike just so I could destroy them with my own maxed-out avatar in Wii Boxing. "DOWN GOES LIMBAUGH!!! DOWN GOES LIMBAUGH!!!
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:12 AM on October 25, 2013 [4 favorites]

That was great.

Here's how, in Fall of 2001, Old Man Murray struck back at Al Qaeda via EA's NHL 2002.
posted by notyou at 11:40 AM on October 25, 2013 [2 favorites]

It is the Coming Up of sports video games.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:59 AM on October 25, 2013

Oh man, this was hilarious. That final video set to Slint absolutely slayed me.
posted by saladin at 12:24 PM on October 25, 2013

I was in tears this is so funny.
posted by arkham_inmate_0801 at 12:25 PM on October 25, 2013

The no-arm tackle is where I starting having fits.
posted by Navelgazer at 12:37 PM on October 25, 2013

Excellent!
posted by Mental Wimp at 1:45 PM on October 25, 2013

YEAH BITCH, SCHIANO!

(This is fantastic.)
posted by tonycpsu at 2:13 PM on October 25, 2013

when I saw an option for "All Madden Team."

BAM! POW! ZWACK! (Draws orange line on screen)
posted by eriko at 4:41 PM on October 25, 2013

You guys laugh, but the Bucs are a powerhouse compared to the 0-7 Jacksonville Jags, by any statistical measure. I mean, really, this week the Jags went to London to play an NFL game on foreign soil as part of the NFL's greater expansion plan strategy, and British immigration officials wouldn't let 'em in to the country, until one by one, every Jags player confessed to being a "tourist" and not a member of any professional organization there on business...
posted by paulsc at 5:07 PM on October 25, 2013 [3 favorites]

Chapter 2 of the 2013 Jags Follies in England began a new plane of ridiculousness when auto parts magnate/new Jags owner Shad Khan bought a Premier League English football club a few weeks ago, too. Here's hoping he'll do for the the English Premier League everything he's already done for the NFL's worst franchise...

And good luck to the 49'ers this coming Sunday, trying to keep a straight face, up against that grinning mustache, and the hapless Jags.
posted by paulsc at 5:28 PM on October 25, 2013 [1 favorite]

It occurred to me this morning the laws of nature and the Laws of Newton both require that in bars all across this great land of ours, there are pro-Schiano guys. Christ, they must be so white you can see the glow from space. The takeaway is I should not be up before 6 on Saturdays.
posted by yerfatma at 3:05 AM on October 26, 2013 [1 favorite]

this week the Jags went to London

Are you suggesting English fans will be put off by a football team scoring nil?
posted by yerfatma at 3:12 AM on October 26, 2013

It's a thing of beauty when the whole defensive line runs in unblocked.
posted by drezdn at 6:34 AM on October 26, 2013