A Day in the Life of an Art Museum Security Guard

November 14, 2013 6:44 AM

It Is What It Is "If you notice a guard at the Walker Art Center in Minneapolis suddenly balancing on one foot or striking a yoga pose, it’s probably just Todd Balthazor limbering up. “I’m stretching all the time,” he said. “You have to do that, or else you are going to stiffen up. We have some elderly workers, and they just walk like trees.” [...] In the strip, “It Is What It Is,” Mr. Balthazor frequently aims graphic barbs at museum guests, like the “photo bomber,” who poses in front of large paintings without considering the art. “They look at it like, ‘This is going to be a great backdrop for my Facebook profile,’ ” Mr. Balthazor said."

After this AskMe post, came across this awesome comic strip by Todd Balthazor, It Is What It Is, about being a security guard in an art museum - love it! via NYT

posted by xicana63 (26 comments total)

Heh.


When I worked at the Walker, we had a series of tiny (about two or three inches high, for easy concealment) books called Bored Beyond Belief. They passed hands from guard to guard, and everyone added things - stories, writing, art, and comics.

Most of the guards were artists of some kind, so they were usually well drawn and always entertaining, especially when faced with the kind of sensory deprivation one is sometimes subjected to in that situation. (My first month there was rotating through six empty galleries and a Donald Judd exhibit.)

I believe that most of them are in the possession of the series originator.



I hope the break room is less gross.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:01 AM on November 14, 2013 [10 favorites]

In fact, I just got back from guarding a museum all night and can fascinate you with many wondrous tales of art guarding.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:19 AM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]

louche mustachio - Please do! Tell me all the stories!!!
posted by xicana63 at 7:36 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

I've been a museum guard a few times in my life. It's a weird mix of boredom, authority, and a need to not piss off entitled people. It's a job that attracts odd ducks (or possibly drives normal people mad).
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:42 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Some of them might have to wait until later or for a specific question. but here are a couple from the Walker:

So we had been having a problem with water leaking into one of the galleries. The maintenance staff had placed a bucket in the middle of the gallery to catch the drips. If patrons got too close, I would tell them that it was part of a new installation by Fischli and Weiss - very recent, so we didn't have the didactic or stanchions up yet. "Please be careful, it's vulnerable right now." I would say with deep reverence and concern.


It's a job that attracts odd ducks (or possibly drives normal people mad).


Oh, believe me, most of them were close enough to walk.


Quack.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:49 AM on November 14, 2013 [12 favorites]

Heh, I just read one of my co-workers status updates:

Today I said something at work I'd never thought I'd say..." Kids, please stop twerking on the furniture..."
posted by louche mustachio at 7:52 AM on November 14, 2013 [5 favorites]

I told her she should call me if it happened again. She said I probably wanted no part of that paperwork.

I can just picture that paperwork in my head, even..." twerking incident report in lobby-- guard response, response of twerkers, incident resolution...' *snerk*
posted by louche mustachio at 7:54 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Mr. Balthazor frequently aims graphic barbs at museum guests, like the “photo bomber,” who poses in front of large paintings without considering the art. “They look at it like, ‘This is going to be a great backdrop for my Facebook profile,’ ” Mr. Balthazor said."

So, someone is experiencing art in ways of which you do not approve? How horrible.
posted by indubitable at 7:57 AM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]

Now that's what I call performance art.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 8:18 AM on November 14, 2013

So, someone is experiencing art in ways of which you do not approve? How horrible.

As long as they twerk NEAR the art and not ON the art, I have no problem with how they express their appreciation.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:42 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

We would also prefer that they remain clothed, for liability reasons.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:43 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

I love the guards who exercise the smallest bit of authority they've been given in their lives to keep me from taking a flashless photograph that I really should be buying as a horribly overpriced postcard or book in the museum gift shop. Great bunch of people. Thumbs up.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:45 AM on November 14, 2013

louche mustachio: "So, someone is experiencing art in ways of which you do not approve? How horrible.

As long as they twerk NEAR the art and not ON the art, I have no problem with how they express their appreciation."

You're confusing twerking with photobombing, which is what indubitable was responding to.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:47 AM on November 14, 2013

I hate the security guards at LACMA so much that I never want to go back again. Its a great museum so I keep going back anyway. But they make art into a miserable experience.
posted by Joh at 8:56 AM on November 14, 2013

But they make art into a miserable experience.

I'm just curious-- do you mind saying how? I am not a museum guard but I spend a lot of time volunteering in museums, so I want to make sure I'm not perpetrating bad manners...
posted by jetlagaddict at 9:04 AM on November 14, 2013

You're confusing twerking with photobombing, which is what indubitable was responding to.

Yes, I did that on purpose.



I love the guards who exercise the smallest bit of authority they've been given in their lives to keep me from taking a flashless photograph that I really should be buying as a horribly overpriced postcard or book in the museum gift shop. Great bunch of people. Thumbs up.


There are other reasons that institutions might forbid photography, usually having to do with copyright restrictions. This is mostly the case with contemporary works by living artists, or works that are on loan to institutions (for instance, works in special exhibitions.)

The guards are required by the institution to ask you to not take pictures and get nothing out of it.


Unless you weren't being facetious, in which case, we love you too.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:05 AM on November 14, 2013 [7 favorites]

I hate the security guards at LACMA so much that I never want to go back again. Its a great museum so I keep going back anyway. But they make art into a miserable experience.

I am a museum guard and I am curious too, because that should not be the case.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:07 AM on November 14, 2013

The LACMA guards have never bothered me. The only time I've interacted with them is when I was wandering into a member only exhibition and they checked my membership.
posted by rdr at 9:30 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

I asked one guard at the British museum where the replica trajans column could be found.
"That is in the V&A, we have NEVER had that column here. I don't know WHERE you got that idea!!"
Umm.OK.

Speaking of replicas I remember one elderly Indian guard trying to get people to get close to and touch the replica Rosetta stone. The public weren't buying it and wouldn't get within 5 feet. Parents were pulling their kids away when they got close. He just smiled at me and shrugged. :)

I grew up around south ken and the museums were my babysitter. :)
posted by fingerbang at 9:40 AM on November 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

Wonder if Balthazor saw Museum Hours. Makes guarding galleries at the Albertina look like such a joy.
posted by Marauding Ennui at 10:02 AM on November 14, 2013

When I worked admin at an art museum I spent a lot of time with the guards. It's a thankless bloody job that gets little appreciation from either the public or the higher-ups. Yeah, we had our fair share of weirdos on the team, but with the pay, hours, and working conditions being what they are, it's not like you're going to get the valedictorians of the Ivy League lining up to apply.

And for every weirdo in a guard's uniform, I'll show you twenty coming in the front door convinced that it's the other guy's water bottle or Thermos of coffee or camera lighting rig or full picnic lunch or calligraphy set or giant backpack or six screaming kids with plastic swords and giant boxes of crayons or wet, unleashed sheepdogs or obsession with grabbing every artistic representation of weiners and boobies in sight that's a problem and not his. Or that the guard is "stalking" him because they happen to be circulating around the gallery clockwise - you know, the same way 99% of the patrons are doing.

Bookmarked the comic under the "It's Funny 'Cause It's True" menu.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:32 AM on November 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

Museums seem to attract some eccentrics, both as patrons and as employees. A few years ago I went to LACMA for a quick visit. My younger sister was an art history major in college and was doing some research there, she asked me to go along I agreed, having no art background I could get some insight from her if I saw something interesting.

So, we get to LACMA and step in and as soon as we are inside, an older fellow (probably in his late 70s to early 80s) comes right up to me. He looked like a disheveled mafioso, wearing an old track suit with a stained white tank top, and started off the conversation by making a crude joke about Monica Lewinsky's dress and whether the stain was art. I think the joke was just an opening to try and hit on my sister, which he began to do immediately. He was kind of loud and lewd, so my sister made her discrete exit. He started to talk about the art but interrupted himself every few minutes for a joke. He had really cheesy jokes, lots of gags that he pulled out of his pockets like a pack of spring-loaded gum that would snap on your fingers when you tried to grab a piece. Anyways, he sure was into the art, practically yelling when I would voice an opinion that he didn't agree with. He was attracting attention from the guards, so I figured it was time to move on. Besides, he was actually starting to touch the paintings, I could see this going south quickly even though he assured me it was fine. I shook his hand, and thanked him for an entertaining time. He seemed nice enough. I googled his name and he was Robert Gore Rifkind, one of the premier collectors of German Expressionist paintings and we were in an exhibition devoted to his collection.

Friendly fellow, the guards must have been used to his antics, which I can assume is the only reason we weren't thrown out.
posted by roquetuen at 10:37 AM on November 14, 2013 [8 favorites]

I remember one time the director issued a memo with a list of approved noncommittal phrases for the guards to memorize, because there was a small spate of guests specifically asking guards their opinions of certain pieces and then not liking what they heard and complaining to the director.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:46 AM on November 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

Mr. Balthazor

He's found the awful truth!

He's found the saucer news!
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 12:36 PM on November 14, 2013

First up, I have 2 kids, so that immediately makes me an unpopular museum visitor. However I think they are well-behaved kids, but I know that everyone's MMV.

Last two times we went to LACMA, we went to see Metropolis II, which is the cool one with the toy cars and trains going around a futuristic city model. Its very popular with kids. My kids know they must not touch it, and there is a little fence around it, so I told them to sit down on the floor behind the fence, and reminded them not to touch the city. They were very well-behaved and sat behind the fence as instructed. But, they got yelled at because my 4yo touched the fence. Not the exhibit, the fence.

Nearby metropolis is a huge room-size exhibit which I can only describe as curvy walls made of metal. It forms rooms out of the curves, so you can walk in and out of it. We walked over there after seeing metropolis, and my kids delightedly went into one of the room and ran around in circles. One of the security guards followed us into the room, and yelled at us because my 6yo touched the metal wall. Fair enough, I guess the wall is the exhibit, but maybe some signs telling us not to touch the wall, or another little fence to denote that the walls are not to be touched?

Finally, there is an another exhibit outdoors which we refer to as the spaghetti. Its like a big metal frame about 20 feet high, with strands of yellow plastic hanging down, and you can walk into it. Its also very popular with kids, who run into it and play peekaboo with each other, and enjoy feeling the plastic strands. My kids did not get yelled at, but a guard came out and yelled at someone else for swinging on the strands. Understandable, ill-advised behavior for safety reasons (safety of exhibit as well as kids), but it was just the final straw. Too much yelling. Learn some manners. Don't have stupid arbitrary rules about not touching the fence. Made the visit unpleasant.
posted by Joh at 1:06 PM on November 14, 2013

I worked for a few undergraduate years at a small but beautifully well-complemented midwestern art museum. My favorite day was a lazy afternoon in the classical gallery. There were two kids there, that's it, parent off somewhere else. But I took them here and there, told them about the Greek vases, pointed out the mythological figures. I showed them the Sumerian figures and helped them understand how ungodly far back in history they were. We went piece to piece all through that gallery for an hour and a half. Egyptian sarcophagus. Cat-headed goddesses. Roman busts. The kids were fascinated. I was having fun. No art was touched or vandalized.

Finally the mom came by and collected them without so much as a look my way. Meh. You're not paid to be liked as a gallery guard, that's for sure. But as much as people tend to assume because you stand there all day you must have an art history MA, I did know quite a bit and always loved helping people understand or enjoy the art a little better. I would've been a docent, I suppose, except I needed money and that gig didn't pay.

The weekend wedding gigs were nice, though. Watch bourgies get drunk and dance badly, then eat their $100/plate leftovers at the end.
posted by adoarns at 7:08 PM on November 14, 2013 [4 favorites]