Should have gone to IKEA
November 20, 2013 1:39 AM   Subscribe

How to make a doll lamp (video, maybe not safe for children) Philofix is a popular tv series for kids age 7-13 on Swedish TV network SVT. In a recent episode, shown this Monday at 7:30 PM, host Rakel Wärmländer showed viewers how to make a lamp out of a doll. Viewers were not happy.

The instructions (pdf), include a recipe for "poop cupcakes", "kitty litter cake" (page 1) and "ugly guy magnetic pen holder (page 3).
posted by iviken (33 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
It's like Art Attack, literally.
posted by chavenet at 1:45 AM on November 20, 2013


SVT hostess Rachel Wärmländer stabbed dock in back of the head and gouged out his eyes doll. Scores of parents have now been in touch with SVT if wrapped in Barnkanalen.

Please to have Swedish speaker explain "wrapped in Barnkanalen". (Am guessing "barnkanalen" means "children's channel" but I would prefer the phrase to mean "I am clutching pearls because no one thought of the children".)
posted by chavenet at 1:49 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


"Wrapped in Barnkanalen"? Translated better than Google translate: "Many parents have now been in touch with SVT regarding the segment in The Childrens Channel".
posted by iviken at 1:54 AM on November 20, 2013


It seems like if you were going to make something as creepy as a mutilated doll lamp, you should really go all out and use red LEDs, at least for the eyes. Although the purple does suggest the doll is corrupted...
posted by Mitrovarr at 1:55 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


Everyone who clicks on that link is going to have to pay a TV license.
posted by three blind mice at 2:07 AM on November 20, 2013


Maybe they should send one to the Danish royal family for their next creepy portrait?
posted by yoHighness at 2:18 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


Wait, ages 7–13? Wouldn't they already be seeing far worse elsewhere? Or does Sweden not have Zeke the Plumber?
posted by aw_yiss at 2:20 AM on November 20, 2013


"Mikaela, have you seen your little brother?"
posted by orme at 2:29 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


Since I don't speak Swedish, I made up my own dialogue:

See the baby? Baby was bad. We need to punish the baby so he won't be bad anymore. We will use scissors to fix the baby's brain. Look! The baby doesn't have a brain! Let's poke out his eyes from the inside out. We will put the eyes on the table so that they can see the rest of what we are going do to him. That way he will learn to be good...
posted by double block and bleed at 2:45 AM on November 20, 2013 [25 favorites]


I always knew that there has to be a dark side to the seeming utopia of Scandinavia.
posted by double block and bleed at 2:47 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


Oh my God, that was beautiful. SO much better than I thought it would be.

I thought it would consist of just taking off the doll's head, popping a torch in, and then just lighting it up, but no, no, poking out the eyes! Random holes on the stomach! LED Christmas lights in bright purple!

Suddenly, my Halloween baby doesn't seem as frightening. Yeah, okay, he has no hair, and his eyes were replaced with hematite marbles, and he looks really quite menacing holding a plastic skull between his nail-polish tipped fingers, but he doesn't have freaking purple LEDs IN HIS STOMACH.

He was going to have LEDs for his eyes, but then I got lazy.
posted by Katemonkey at 3:26 AM on November 20, 2013 [4 favorites]


I once lived in a Victorian house with quite fancy plaster mouldings in a few places. They looked even better when I added plaster cherubs with red LED eyes that came on whenever it got dark.

Maybe I need to make some for my new house...
posted by pipeski at 4:17 AM on November 20, 2013 [4 favorites]


She was enjoying stabbing the baby a little too much. The Stockholm police Cold Cases Unit might want to look into her teenaged babysitting career and see if a trail of suspicious lamps was left behind.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:20 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


A:) I love her hair.

B:) I have no idea how a creepy baby doll lamp is supposed to be cheerful and reassuring.
posted by Kitteh at 4:36 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


I don't understand the controversy, this is total dive bar kitsch.
posted by oceanjesse at 5:14 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


I think someone made a bet .... "I wonder if we can get away with this" and the glee is either "holy crap we're managing" or "let's exaggerate everything so the kids know it's over the top not real". I'd need to see more episodes ...
posted by tilde at 5:18 AM on November 20, 2013


loved the google translate approximations in the "not happy" link:

"What were you thinking? To macabre chop scissors through a doll? I'm glad my kids saw it on TV. "

"This is not right at all! I was poor and wanted to vomit when I saw it. To dissect a doll at children's TV is perverse. "

"Are you crazy? To stick a doll? What signals you send out? Give presenter sacked with immediate effect! "
posted by GrapeApiary at 5:19 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


Actually, I was at IKEA earlier, and I saw two products. They had the MURDERBABE and the MURDERBABE kit for easily converting kids to lamps.
posted by Samizdata at 5:36 AM on November 20, 2013 [5 favorites]


The Scissorman has upgraded for a new century.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:57 AM on November 20, 2013


three blind mice: "Everyone who clicks on that link is going to have to pay a TV license."
Yeah, no.
  1. the Swedish law on TV licensing obviously only applies for residents of Sweden.
  2. Swedish residents have to pay it as soon as they have either
    • a TV, or
    • a device with internet connection and a screen.
  3. It doesn't matter whether you consume SVT media or not.
posted by brokkr at 6:11 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


The video is no longer available on YouTube. :/
posted by Rock Steady at 6:31 AM on November 20, 2013


The video is no longer available on YouTube. :/

Damn, I really want to see that. I'll just console myself by watching this video of "I love to say fuck" by the Murderdolls.
posted by 445supermag at 6:57 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]


The video is no longer available on YouTube. :/

Oh, that's so disappointing! Like I said, it's an amazing video.

You could just look at the PDF included above, which has some pictures, but here's the step-by-step guide as I saw it:

1. Take your baby doll. It needs to be entirely plastic and hollow. Throw out your cloth dolls and your tiny action figure dolls. They won't work.
2. Get out your big and sharp scissors. Stab the baby in the back of the head, and start cutting out a rectangle.
3. Look inside the baby's head. Point out the weird interior lumps that hold the eyes.
4. Stab out the eyes from the inside. Set them down on the table and look at them closely.
5. Take off the baby's shirt/onesie. Baby doesn't need a onesie where he's going!
6. Stab the baby in the lower back with your sharp scissors. Start cutting out another rectangle.
7. Turn the baby over, and delicately rub baby's stomach, deciding on the best spots.
8. Stab the baby repeatedly in the stomach, leaving little holes all over it. Hope your baby's not one of the drink-and-wet dolls!
9. Grab your battery-powered LED Christmas lights, probably from Ikea. Turn them on to show off the electric purple light.
10. Put the light cord into the baby, and start poking the LED lights out through the holes in baby's stomach. Make sure to save two lights!
11. Pop your remaining two LED lights in through the eyes. Make sure the cord and the battery pack are inside the baby.
12. Turn on the lights, and BE AMAZED.
posted by Katemonkey at 8:14 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


I see Kate McKinnon playing the host on SNL.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 8:41 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Make sure the cord and the battery pack are inside the baby.


I have some friends who are new parents, and I will be sure to share this advice.
posted by sweetkid at 8:56 AM on November 20, 2013


New link, with annoying ad before the video.
posted by iviken at 9:50 AM on November 20, 2013


oh man. When she puts the eyes on the table...I loled for realz.
posted by sweetkid at 9:54 AM on November 20, 2013


We ask all parents and children to apologize for the incident, stating Colliander on SVT's website.

That's the spirit. Seriously, it's schmucks like them that keep us from making lamps out of all *sorts* of things!
posted by Mooseli at 9:59 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]


Is it too much to ask for some sensitivity to the LED Baby Serial Killer's victims' families?
posted by Zed at 2:13 PM on November 20, 2013


This confuses me. In my experience, it is a natural thing for children to cut up their dolls and teddy bears. They do not find it frightening or wrong at all, contrariwise, one has to teach them it is wrong, and this is a long process which only ends when the children aren't really playing with toys anymore, just collecting.
Now this lady is converting this natural activity from fruitless destruction into useful design. Whats not to love? Don't misunderstand me, I really hated buying expensive toys for my children, and then finding them completely destroyed soon after. But since it is a fact, dealing with it can't be bad..
(looked for an image the pages where Eloise mutilates her dolls on the internets, couldn't find)
posted by mumimor at 2:16 PM on November 20, 2013



This confuses me. In my experience, it is a natural thing for children to cut up their dolls and teddy bears


I never did that nor did kids I knew - not that it's anything horrible, I think the attraction here is just that it's funny that this woman takes such glee in the activity, and "scary baby" is always a funny yet terrifying cultural phenomenon - but I don't think it's super common to cut up human like or animal like toys. I mostly treated them like they were real - seated them at the table and stuff like that. I wouldn't have liked to amputate parts of them or cut out their eyes.
posted by sweetkid at 2:37 PM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]


Samizdata: Actually, I was at IKEA earlier, and I saw two products. They had the MURDERBABE and the MURDERBABE kit for easily converting kids to lamps.

That's complete bullshit. I bought the fricking MURDIRBĂBE last March, thinking it would look cool on the patio. Not only was there not a real baby included (the directions told me to go harvest a fresh one - some bullshit about import licensing), but when I did, it rotted within a week.

And I still have 2 of those grooved dowel thingeys and 3-4 screws leftover. God only knows what I was meant to do with those.
posted by IAmBroom at 2:56 PM on November 20, 2013 [5 favorites]


IAmBroom: "Samizdata: Actually, I was at IKEA earlier, and I saw two products. They had the MURDERBABE and the MURDERBABE kit for easily converting kids to lamps.

That's complete bullshit. I bought the fricking MURDIRBĂBE last March, thinking it would look cool on the patio. Not only was there not a real baby included (the directions told me to go harvest a fresh one - some bullshit about import licensing), but when I did, it rotted within a week.

And I still have 2 of those grooved dowel thingeys and 3-4 screws leftover. God only knows what I was meant to do with those.
"

Kudos, sir. Well played, as well as a reminder I really need to work on my character maps.

Nice thing about baby harvesting nowadays. Nothing is quite as delicious as the soul of an unchristened child, so, atheists, thank you SO much for your help.
posted by Samizdata at 1:48 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


« Older "Not all our foremothers wore taffeta and lace"   |   "Pop Art of a poor man’s country" Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments