It didn’t used to be like this.
November 26, 2013 5:45 PM   Subscribe

 
Blatant misandry, what about the evil WITCHES
posted by elizardbits at 5:51 PM on November 26, 2013 [6 favorites]


Man, Mallory Ortberg has been on fire lately.
posted by Greg Nog at 5:52 PM on November 26, 2013 [11 favorites]


/would totally move to New York City despite Wizard problem.
posted by Artw at 5:52 PM on November 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


Ok, can I have your digs?
posted by ocschwar at 5:53 PM on November 26, 2013


Don't let the heavy oaken door hit you on the robe tush on the way out APPRENTICE

More space for me inside the ancient runes that keep the swamp spirits at bay! Maybe the rune rents will finally stabilize. And other such statements.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:54 PM on November 26, 2013 [14 favorites]


Quit bitching.
You live in a city where you can buy
60.00 dollar Banksy art in Central Park.
posted by Bighappyfunhouse at 5:56 PM on November 26, 2013 [7 favorites]


I remember doing this adventure in White Wolf back in the '90s
posted by Countess Elena at 5:56 PM on November 26, 2013 [7 favorites]


Look, I hate to be the one to bring up the Dark Arts, but with Bill Deblasio coming into office I aiiiiieeeeeeegghhhhhjjj *head bitten off by were-crocodile*
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:57 PM on November 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


The God Machine is a cruel beast.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 5:57 PM on November 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


You live in a city where you can buy
60.00 dollar Banksy art in Central Park.


And then it comes to life and tries to strangle you unless you feed it ram's blood. Do you have any idea how much ram's blood costs these days?
posted by griphus at 5:58 PM on November 26, 2013 [15 favorites]


I will now cast an invisibility spell upon the contents of this article.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:58 PM on November 26, 2013 [8 favorites]


oopsie someone didn't rtfa
posted by elizardbits at 5:59 PM on November 26, 2013 [11 favorites]


I spent all my money on hand-pulled marshmallows, but then a wizard took them, so now I don’t even have that.

So true. Remember back when we didn't even have to hand pull marshmallows? They just winked into existence at the correct incantations? That was before Bloomberg made inter-dimensional marshmallows illegal.
posted by Ad hominem at 5:59 PM on November 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


God Machine, you say?
posted by arcticseal at 6:02 PM on November 26, 2013


ASTRAL PLANE??? No fucking chance I am moving over into the damn astral plane. Not while Christies in charge over there. Yes I know the taxes are lower that's because everything is A PROJECTION ugh
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:06 PM on November 26, 2013 [12 favorites]


I remember going to see punk rock shows at the pyramid in high school. Not the Pyramid on Avenue A but that enormous hovering pyramid that appeared over Times Square when Giuliani took office. It was really surprising how fast they turned it into a squat, but even that's gone now, replaced with floating luxury apartments.
posted by griphus at 6:06 PM on November 26, 2013 [13 favorites]


Chicago has the exactly correct quantity of wizards.
posted by bleep at 6:07 PM on November 26, 2013 [12 favorites]


YOU! SHALL NOT! EZ-PASS!!!!!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:09 PM on November 26, 2013 [32 favorites]


Meh, amateurs conjurers, everyone knows:

STATEN ISLAND = END LIST! SATAN!
posted by lalochezia at 6:12 PM on November 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


Had to pass this on to friends in NYC.
posted by Anitanola at 6:15 PM on November 26, 2013


It's true, lalochezia! I hear the NYPD lives there.
posted by jeffburdges at 6:16 PM on November 26, 2013


/would totally move to New York City because of Wizard problem.
posted by Jacob Knitig at 6:17 PM on November 26, 2013


Maybe the rune rents will finally stabilize.

Shh!

Hear that?

It's a baby crying.

Do you know why?

Because the rune rents are too damn high.
posted by curious nu at 6:20 PM on November 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


Man, "wizard" doesn't mean anything.

It's just a term people use for other people they think are enchanting things more than them, or are enchanting things in a way that they don't like.

Sure, I know lots of people with big beards, and floppy hats, and crooked staves- if you saw them, you'd probably think, "typical wizards." The thing is, they work really hard at what they do- some of them work two or three jobs, on top of enchanting things. It's not just a look for them. They take it seriously, and they're really not concerned about what you think. For them, it's all about the enchanting, not being part of a scene or anything. And they're doing some really amazing things- just because they're not casting lame spells for some big corporation so they can live in a condo and drive a Porsche, doesn't mean the kind of enchantments they're making aren't important.

All those trendy neighborhoods with their weird taverns, and apothecaries, and artisanal wand shops wouldn't exist without the "wizards" you sneer at.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:22 PM on November 26, 2013 [112 favorites]


I used to live in Brooklyn, a quick two steps in my seven-league boots to 14th Street. These extra four steps I gotta take now that I'm near Van Cortland Park are wiping me out, seriously, and I still end up being late to things, even though I'm leaving my flat an extra 10 seconds before; I don't get it. And they have always been hard to fold away into my Bag of Endless Depth.

Maybe Bloomingdale's sold me a bum pair.
posted by droplet at 6:22 PM on November 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


Are you interested in NYC with wizard-like problems? Watch Immortal.
See also video for Mind.In.A.Box's track Change that uses footage from Immortal.
Sorry, the Pyramid hovering over central park does not become a squat because it already was luxury apartments.
posted by jeffburdges at 6:27 PM on November 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm pretty sure the Chupacabra Succubus Sisters used to perform at the Pyramid Club all the time. Ethyl Eichelberger was probably behind it all.
posted by mykescipark at 6:27 PM on November 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


Don't leave. Bloomberg only has a month left in office!
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:27 PM on November 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


This is just part of the never-ending cycle of New York City, where everyone complains about the next group who moves in after them. Sure, we're bitching about wizards now but I'm old enough to remember when it was the CHUDs complaining about all the humans moving in and driving up their rents and ruining their favorite coffee shops. And before them, it was the rat kings complaining about the CHUDs. Mark my words -- next year, the wizards will be complaining about the all the sentient trees destroying the character of their covens.
posted by mhum at 6:31 PM on November 26, 2013 [16 favorites]


Sometimes it's more fun to just read the comments and not TFA.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:32 PM on November 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


OK, actually, TFA was pretty good, nvm.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:35 PM on November 26, 2013 [7 favorites]


...the sentient trees...

Dryad-Americans, thanks.
posted by griphus at 6:38 PM on November 26, 2013 [35 favorites]


Don't leave. Bloomberg only has a month left in office!

And in that time, how many more shadowy incantations must we endure? How many more DARK INCANTATIONS must we weather, our eyes turned toward the ground lest the astral detritus blind us to all that will not destroy? Like seven, at least, probably
posted by Greg Nog at 6:39 PM on November 26, 2013 [6 favorites]


This is better than 95% of the Shouts and Murmurs they've been running the last few years.
posted by Flashman at 6:41 PM on November 26, 2013 [8 favorites]


That's not even the real Quetzalcoatl in the Chysler building.
posted by Artw at 6:46 PM on November 26, 2013 [8 favorites]


You think you're okay when you move off to a small town in New England but then pretty soon there's a great creature in the deep who is going to consume all mankind whose presence is seriously undermining your property values, and those good schools you were going to send your kids to are all suddenly being staffed by cultists instead of properly-trained teachers. You really can't win.
posted by Sequence at 6:50 PM on November 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


You can win if you are eaten first.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:57 PM on November 26, 2013 [6 favorites]


Besides that, the whole "Brooklyn Wizard with a trust fund at Gringotts" thing is pretty much a myth.



Most of them live in midtown, and go to Parsons or Juilliard.



Also, Scott Thompson did it better.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:07 PM on November 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


Don't trust the water from the new reservoir, it's got glowing shit in it.
posted by Artw at 7:07 PM on November 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


Dryad-Americans

Alchemical correctness gone mad! I thought we were trying to reclaim "Ent." Is that still considered a clear-cut slur?
posted by RogerB at 7:14 PM on November 26, 2013 [13 favorites]


It didn’t used to be like this. I used to go out a lot, to nightclubs like Danceteria, the Mud Club, Limelight, Save the Robots, Pyramid, Area, Beirut.

The author fails to mention that the Pyramid is still there in its original Avenue A location, which is something I noted with some surprise as I strolled along the avenue, just the other night. And just a block or so north, lo and behold, that little joint across from Tompkins Sq Park that sold egg creams is... still there! That warmed my heart so deep that I stopped in and, even at near midnight, after having consumed many a beer, ordered a chocolate egg cream, and drank it with great delight. Place hadn't changed a bit. That was fucking beautiful, and (along from the lovely evening I'd had with a dear old friend) made my night.

Actually, earlier that afternoon, I'd attended a Brooklyn MeFi meetup.

Like the author, however, I'm leaving New York City. I am always leaving New York City. Every single day of my life.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:32 PM on November 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


Why I Am Leaving New York City

Just don't go to Juarez, Mexico at Easter time
posted by KokuRyu at 7:41 PM on November 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


Plus it hasn't been the same since Zool sold out and moved to Greenwich
posted by Mchelly at 7:48 PM on November 26, 2013


I don't see why calling us clear-cuts isn't considered racist.
posted by Artw at 7:48 PM on November 26, 2013 [4 favorites]


Loki as my witness, I know we say it's open to everyone who wants a live a magical lifestyle, but in reality only a few people with connections to the older Wizarding Houses get enough clout and support actually stay on full time, it's just part of living and keeping up with the Jonses. If you want to do your own thing and read Chicken Bone fortunes in Jamiaca that's fine but all the space, all the money, all the attention is going to the few of us who happened to be freshmen at the right Salem Academy prep school at the right time. You can't fault us for trying to protect our own.
posted by The Whelk at 8:26 PM on November 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


Shitshitshit. I'm leaving to visit my brother in New York City in just a few hours and I had no idea that it had gotten this bad. Is there anywhere in DC that I can pick up some detransmogrification lotion at this hour, or will I be pretty safe if I just rush to a Duane Reade as soon as I arrive at Port Authority?

I only really need a travel sized bottle. My brother lives in a skycastle so there won't be any problems if I can get to his place without any trouble.

Also, do they still require a DNA swab to pass through the Linclone Tunnel? What do they do with that, anyway?
posted by Skwirl at 8:39 PM on November 26, 2013


Look, I know it's hard, but I made the effort to remove my apartment from time and space to a pocket dimension outside the material plane. I just don't see how other people don't try to do the same.
posted by The Whelk at 8:46 PM on November 26, 2013 [6 favorites]


I heard last winter they had a Groke. Brrrrrr.
posted by Artw at 8:52 PM on November 26, 2013 [8 favorites]


I mean it's not my fault if you're too lazy or too thoughtless to apply the fifty seven runes and work hard and ask the grace of the green giver, she of the woods of the walk. That's their problem, not mine and they have to live ( or unlive forever in the darkness) with the consequences. I don't see why we should reward laziness or stupidity or improper piety toward the Green Giver, she comes in the mist in the fog and on the breath.
posted by The Whelk at 8:53 PM on November 26, 2013 [5 favorites]


yep

yepyepyepyepyep

My first year in Los Angeles has been really difficult. Harder for sure than my first year in New York was.

But every day I wake up to discover:

- a shitty ass landlord cut down the enchanted forest of runecasting forever

- it's like 10 degrees outside and probably sleeting

- hedge fund jackasses are buying up all the apartments in that rad floating pyramid I used to live in

- too many fucking grues

And am really happy I live in a city where there are exactly the right number of wizards and it never gets below about 45 degrees.
posted by Sara C. at 9:44 PM on November 26, 2013 [6 favorites]


Mallory Ortberg is a goddamn national treasure. I just sent a $35.00 donation to The Toast a day or two ago, just to say thank you for the brilliance.
posted by jokeefe at 10:21 PM on November 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


This is pretty much why I moved to LA. The wizards here are outnumbered by werewolves and both are kept in check by deacons of lust from beyond the third fold. Also the peasantry is able to live alongside the plain of eternal penitence and doesn't need to subjugate their thoughtstreams to any dreamlords...so that's a plus.
posted by jnnla at 10:49 PM on November 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


Chicago has the exactly correct quantity of wizards.
Witches and snows man, Witches and snows.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 10:58 PM on November 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


I live in NYC, am a wizard, AMA.

☿(Killer robots from fiction did not exist, so we had to create them & have them murder people for Obama; Communicators, data pads, and tricorders from Star Trek did not exist, so we had to create them & distribute them to basically everyone in the world soon enough; an all-seeing panopticon did not exist, so we had to create it & now my friends and I are only barely joking when we say better not smoke weed in front of the laptop; so magic did not exist, but now I am employed doing important businesswizardry inscribing fragments of words and arcane symbols to make a businessdatabase to move important businessdata about companies for important businessmen to attempt to scry the future with through careful examination of businessgraphs and businesscharts. (If there's a gold rush, sell shovels.) (SPOILER WARNING: Magic uses a lot of parentheses inside (and next to) each other.) My carefully contrived formulas of businesswizardry are communicated to cryptic engines which sit still in arrangements strangely monolithic in spite of their relatively small size, multicoloured lights shimmering in obscure patterns from which even those most trained & experienced in the arts of crafting & tending the machines can gleam little knowledge. There's all kinds of new magic coming down the pipeline and honestly it's gonna get weird.)

Also one time this guy is in my building probably cause the front door doesn't particularly lock all the time. He's knocking at my apt. door at like 515 AM (I am ill enough to put the fear of death in me with a horrible flu, cause motherfuckers die from that shit, that Spanish Flu took out the young) and I don't know who he is, but he says So and So from the Pyramid Club sent him to my apartment apparently with some implication that he might be able to obtain vague goods or services such as one might desire at 515 AM after leaving the Pyramid Club. I had a slightly hard time making him understand that my proclamations of "I don't know you or So and So," and "I think you have the wrong apartment," were flat statements of fact and not merely indicative of my reluctance to provide goods and services to an unfamiliar person; that while I sympathized with his plight, having in my own life occasionally found the availability & convenience of goods and services wanting, I really was not in the regular business of providing goods or services, nor was I able to exceptionally, considering the current contents of my apartment and my poor health.
posted by save alive nothing that breatheth at 12:29 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


Sniff. As usual, so UScentric. Werewolves of London with perfect coiffures were everywhere sipping tiki drinks back when you could hardly even source a decent bell, book and candle combo in NYC (outside of the Village).

(And seriously, if you like this 99-problems wacky urban magic thing, the Rivers of London series is great fun.)
posted by taz at 1:06 AM on November 27, 2013 [4 favorites]


Just driving to New York is a nightmare now that they've installed actual Trolls on 95 to collect the ridiculous tolls. It's like 50 gold pieces to drive there from the District. If they're even accepting coins. The last time I went up there, I had to go on a 3 day quest to retrieve a lost goat. I don't know why the stupid troll couldn't just buy a new goat. And also, you can't just buff out a club-strike on your hood from a troll, so make sure you don't try to blast through the ez-pass line without a working pass.
posted by empath at 1:16 AM on November 27, 2013 [6 favorites]


In New England our wizards mostly keep to themselves, so long as outsiders don't try to pry into their affairs. Then it's squamous this, rugose that, and we all agree to never mention having met that interloper. Or at least that's what it was like when I was doing my undergrad at Miskatonic.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 1:25 AM on November 27, 2013 [4 favorites]


Sniff. As usual, so UScentric.

No kidding. I mean what is this "Dryad-American" stuff? There are other countries in the Americas!! For all we know, especially in New York, there could be Dryad-Canadians around any corner. Plus, where I'm from, Kalapuya tribes believed that plant spirits, trees included, were all different. They were named after their plant names, not this generic Caucasian-Celtic-wannabe "dryad" nonsense.

And, like, obviously if I point out that the area I now live in is Greco-Ligurian, not Celt or Gaul, people are all going to be, "omg but Ligures are so RUDE whenever I visit!!" when they're not even talking with Ligures!! They're visiting Gauls!!! Totally different cultures. OUR wizards are much older.
posted by fraula at 1:28 AM on November 27, 2013 [6 favorites]


Just driving to New York is a nightmare now that they've installed actual Trolls

Trolls are highly vulnerable to fire. With one fireball and a CCTV-invisibility potion in case the witches are watching, you'll sail through the tolls with your 50 septims still in your coinpurse.

I do miss NYC. One of the things I loved was how easy it was to switch timelines when you wanted or needed a change. I hear they've put in a train to make this sort of thing easier on the commuters who could find a job as, for example, a zeppelin attendant in the New Amsterdam city-state but couldn't find work of any sort in their own native timeline. Though, to hear the teabaggers bleat about it, you'd think the train was just an taxpayer funded way for mirror universe you to steal your job.
posted by honestcoyote at 2:36 AM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


Is this geek humour? I'm thinking this is geek humour. I'm hoping it is, otherwise I'll have to start worrying that incipient senility might he the reason I don't get it at all.
posted by Decani at 3:19 AM on November 27, 2013


No, there are literally wizards in New York.
posted by empath at 3:23 AM on November 27, 2013 [19 favorites]


If your geek humours are unbalanced, I can recommend a great chirurgeon in Danvers.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 3:35 AM on November 27, 2013 [10 favorites]


It's at least partially based on essays like the ones collected in this book, and at least partially based on silly editorials about How New York Has Gone to Hell Thanks to Hipsters/Irony.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 3:40 AM on November 27, 2013


Is this something I need to have a Ball of Scrying to understand? I hardly ever gazed anymore, it just didn't seem worth the effort to bring it with me on my last move.
posted by xqwzts at 3:54 AM on November 27, 2013 [6 favorites]


Seems she's got 99 problems ... but a witch ain't one.
posted by busillis at 4:57 AM on November 27, 2013 [5 favorites]


Remember, if you're all "I don't scry" but you've got a scrying app on your laptop or phone IT'S STILL SCRYING.
posted by Artw at 5:34 AM on November 27, 2013 [8 favorites]


Wizards, huh? I guess that explains why so many people are under the illusion that the place is livable.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:16 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


As someone who aspires to be a Microsoft Excel Wizard, I find a lot of the humor in this comment thread tasteless. Wizards are actually very rare, and by-and-large they are all quite nice and helpful people. The ones you should truly be upset at are the charlatans who propose projects that they don't know how to complete, with not enough resources.
posted by rebent at 6:18 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


Is this geek humour? I'm thinking this is geek humour. I'm hoping it is, otherwise I'll have to start worrying that incipient senility might he the reason I don't get it at all.
Best guess: On whatever websites the author goes to, there is a rising drumbeat about how NYC is overpriced, full of horrible rich people, pretentious, etc. These insults can't be brooked, but they can't really be refuted, either, so the solution he arrived at was to make a ridiculous criticism of the place, thereby insinuating that all criticisms were of a piece with, well, wizards. We can at least be thankful that he didn't drag it out as a novelty Twitter account ("when u stand to the left we cant identify one true prince who cant tell his hands apart bc of a wtiches curse #NYCProblems"). Maybe he plans to turn this into a series of fantasy novels. I'd buy one for a dollar.
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 7:15 AM on November 27, 2013


NY style pages peice on the Malfoys.
posted by Artw at 7:17 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


The fact that this fantastic piece is just one of, say, five of my favorite Mallory Ortberg pieces THIS MONTH is what's really the dark magic here.

Others:

The Crowning of Adam Levine, The Sexiest Man Alive
How To Tell If You Are In A 1950s-Era Alfred Hitchcock Movie
Theme Songs That Read Alternately Cheerful and Terrifying
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:19 AM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


I know right? It's like, witch, please like we need another fawning off peice on those racist wannacasters. I remember deep cavern cthnothonic conjuring when it was still underground.
posted by The Whelk at 7:19 AM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


So, no, it's not geek humor, it's yuppie humor.
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 7:28 AM on November 27, 2013


Can't let this thread end without pimping Mysterius The Unfathomable.
posted by whuppy at 7:31 AM on November 27, 2013


TOCATY: Mallory Ortberg is a woman.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:33 AM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


Oh. Those people name their offspring things like "Cord", so it's hard to keep track.
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 7:36 AM on November 27, 2013


At least have the decency to name your kid something that can be pronounced with a human mouth, or doesn't cause swirling madness upon utterance. You'll save a lot of grief on the playground and when filling out forms, not to mention avoiding awkward nicknames like The Unspeakable and Never Named Never Loved.
posted by The Whelk at 7:40 AM on November 27, 2013 [5 favorites]


. . . or Bobby Tables
posted by whuppy at 7:41 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


THESE PEOPLE naming their FUCKING KIDS weird shit like MALLORY
posted by Greg Nog at 7:41 AM on November 27, 2013 [13 favorites]


You're just upset cause you got exiled to the Western Wastes because of all that business with cat necromancy. I told you, don't spit into the wind, don't step on the Archmage's robes, and don't think you can summon an unholy mewing army of the night without SOME blowback, it's not the 70s anymore dude.
posted by The Whelk at 7:46 AM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


You'd think if hipsters liked zombie bacon so much they'd go down to Pittsburg and thin out the wild population there.
posted by Artw at 7:54 AM on November 27, 2013


On whatever websites the author goes to, there is a rising drumbeat about how NYC is overpriced, full of horrible rich people, pretentious, etc. These insults can't be brooked, but they can't really be refuted, either, so the solution he arrived at was to make a ridiculous criticism of the place, thereby insinuating that all criticisms were of a piece with, well, wizards.

This strikes me as less of a response to hipster-bashing news pieces and more of a response to stories like the ones in this collection. Less "ugh, fucking New York fucking sucks" and more "alas, New York, my tragic doomed lover". There are about a million of those stories and they're all so similar that I'm not sure why I bought that book...
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:57 AM on November 27, 2013


The problem is always group clustering, isn't it? You can't start a coven of one, and you can't activate a decent telepathic mind meld with just you and your college buddy. Not only do you need to travel to Pittsberg, you need to convince everyone else to, and all contacts with the people who actually own all the gold and power rings and like, have Vecna on speed dial. And then you've got the same problem as you do in New York, but without all the cool stuff. It's maddening to know its really only a handful of powerful casters that control everything and going out on your own is a really good way to end up broken, cold, and eaten by suburian cannibal pixies.
posted by The Whelk at 7:58 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


This strikes me as less of a response to hipster-bashing news pieces and more of a response to stories like the ones in this collection. Less "ugh, fucking New York fucking sucks" and more "alas, New York, my tragic doomed lover".

The real irritation probably isn't us Midwestern trash talking about how bad they are; we're garbage host to a thousand social and moral problemata and may be safely ignored. What actually grates and frays one's nerves is being talked about by someone who knows you and used to like you.
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 8:11 AM on November 27, 2013


Also, isn't talking about how old Jimmy Stewart is and how gross that is, isn't that ageism?
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 8:15 AM on November 27, 2013


Wizards, huh? I guess that explains why so many people are under the illusion that the place is livable.

*yawn*
posted by thinkpiece at 8:18 AM on November 27, 2013


It's completely livable, if you are eg. Fox Worldwide.
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 8:22 AM on November 27, 2013


Come to São Paulo, we got capybaras
posted by Tom-B at 8:24 AM on November 27, 2013


It really disenchants me when I see people complaining about wizards like this. Sure there's been a lot of arcane sprawl in the last decade, but no one looks at the underlying issues. With a large proportion of the population unemployed and the rising costs of living, of course more people decide to turn to an undead lifestyle. This pushes up demand for necromancers (indeed, it's one of the only options for people growing up in extreme sorcery to escape) who use the money to fund all kinds of wizardry. If we legalised and taxed the use of magic, and provided more wand exchanges we'd see most of these problems disappear overnight. Instead we incarcerate the users at a huge cost, and push out more terrible legislation such as three sprites and you're out.
posted by Ned G at 9:03 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


Alchemical correctness gone mad! I thought we were trying to reclaim "Ent."

Ent? Oh please, don't tell me you're one of those "We used to rule Europa" types. Ent is just a misuse of the old term for giant, used in referring to the old Cimerrian ruins. Some medieval stoner carves a picture of a guy with leaves on his head and suddenly every wannabe Green Mother is all "My ancestors were queens and they sacrificed kings to us!". I'm all, "Girl, don't even start. You're not even a tree dryad, you inhabit a poison ivy bush. Those don't even exist in Europe."

Screw it. I'm going to give up and move out to the Western Wasteland. Get myself a job at some web development firm. And I can't even stand those giant astral spiders.
posted by happyroach at 9:04 AM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


I live next to Prospect Park, and the real problem here is entrification. The ents are too damn high!
posted by moonmilk at 9:07 AM on November 27, 2013 [8 favorites]


I lived upstairs from a bunch of drunk gnolls for a year and I'll take high ents over that any day.
posted by griphus at 9:11 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


The stoned trolls, on the other hand, are really no trouble at all.
posted by moonmilk at 9:13 AM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


How New York Has Gone to Hell Thanks to Hipsters/Irony.

Oh come on, everybody knows New York Has Gone To Hell Thanks To Rich Assholes.
posted by Sara C. at 9:14 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


> I used to go out a lot, to nightclubs like Danceteria, the Mud Club, Limelight, Save the Robots, Pyramid, Area, Beirut.

I was going to get pissy about how this person couldn't even spell Mudd Club, but then I realized they were simply posting from a slightly different dimension where the eldritch horrors took one of the d's. If the club is still around in that dimension, under any spelling, how do I get there? I want to see the Blasters again.
posted by languagehat at 9:14 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


I actually have a question for the NYC MeFites: Are the Hudson River nixies healthy nowadays? Because we've been working on ritually purifying the Charles, but its inhabitants are…warped. It's really unsettling.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 9:18 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yes, the Mud Club is not to be confused with the Mudd Club. The former is literally a fetid bog. You go there to forage eyes of newt and pick up the odd lost goat to pay the trolls when you drive back to Jersey. It's getting unbearably B&T, in fact.
posted by Sara C. at 9:19 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


Where I live, it's crawling with powerful, truly evil wizards, skilled practitioners of the dark arts.
posted by exogenous at 9:22 AM on November 27, 2013


New York's Hottest Club Is Danceteria. This place has everything! Ergot dealers in every bathroom. Manic partiers doing that latest craze, the Tarantella, until they literally die of exhaustion. It's run by three elderly sisters who cackle over a huge cauldron in the DJ booth.
posted by Sara C. at 9:25 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


Don't borrow the red shoes!
posted by moonmilk at 9:25 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


At least I hear that next year we'll finally get a good Narnian restaurant in Brooklyn. (previously)
posted by moonmilk at 9:27 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


I've lived in the far western forests, where they call up rain spirits for months at a time because the ancient fish gods tell them to. I've lived in the vast wastes where the only ones who remain are the blighted ones who have learned to live with the things that emerge from the shafts that they were foolish enough to dig decades ago. And I don't care how many faceless wizards (honestly, is it that hard to have a face? the pretension of these wizards, I swear) I face or how often the 6 train turns into a ravenous hellbeast and I have to wait for the next one, I am not moving anytime soon.

Besides, the dragons they have blocking passage to the taco truck these days barely merit the term. One good whack with an ice staff or a single blood emerald bribe and I can get tacos and quesadillas made by banished demi-gods from under Lake Xaltocan.

(See also "Cold Colors" by Neil Gaiman for London's version of this.)
posted by Hactar at 9:53 AM on November 27, 2013 [3 favorites]


Really it is the recent push for science, tech., and engineering in NYC that scares me. The liberal media will have you believe the arcane and practical can live side by side, but let me be the first to warn you that war is coming - prepare to choose a side.
posted by rosswald at 9:58 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


PEOPLE naming their FUCKING KIDS weird shit like MALLORY

BY THESE WORDS I SUMMON THEE
posted by RogerB at 10:01 AM on November 27, 2013


Really it is the recent push for science, tech., and engineering in NYC that scares me. The liberal media will have you believe the arcane and practical can live side by side, but let me be the first to warn you that war is coming - prepare to chose a side.

Psh, you people. Elect ONE Democrat as mayorlord and suddenly it's all "stop-and-frisk is the only thing holding back the techno-hoards from their campaign to cleanse NYC of all that is unholy and arcane." But like, seriously, 99% of the time when they do those 'random' searches they don't even find any springs or gears, it's just a flimsy excuse to harass the non-magical and I for one am tired of this double standard.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:03 AM on November 27, 2013 [4 favorites]


Is your building rent controlled?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:04 AM on November 27, 2013


Oh, sure, it's the *Wizards* that have turned New York into a swirling maelstrom of unnavigable chaos. Because before the *Wizards* showed up, it wasn't like that at all.

*eyeroll*
posted by kyrademon at 10:04 AM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


The real irritation probably isn't us Midwestern trash talking about how bad they are; we're garbage host to a thousand social and moral problemata and may be safely ignored.

Rubaphobia expelliarmus!
posted by RogerB at 10:18 AM on November 27, 2013


Is your building rent controlled?

FTFY, Ruthless Bunny.

Get it? Because ents, amirite?
posted by Sara C. at 10:19 AM on November 27, 2013


The real irritation probably isn't us Midwestern trash talking about how bad they are; we're garbage host to a thousand social and moral problemata and may be safely ignored. What actually grates and frays one's nerves is being talked about by someone who knows you and used to like you.

You seem very confused about the nature of this thread and that is a combination of sad and funny.
posted by elizardbits at 10:27 AM on November 27, 2013 [8 favorites]


You will most likely be eaten by a grue.
posted by Artw at 10:42 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


It seems like no sooner then I finally feel comfortable in a new bar then it grows chicken legs and walks to a location with lower rent, sheesh.
posted by The Whelk at 11:01 AM on November 27, 2013 [8 favorites]


On the other hand, those chicken legs make delicious bar food!
posted by languagehat at 11:49 AM on November 27, 2013 [2 favorites]


bar... grows chicken legs

chicken legs make delicious bar food


Baba Izakayaga?
posted by RogerB at 11:53 AM on November 27, 2013 [4 favorites]


I don't see why calling us clear-cuts isn't considered racist.

Look, you can't just flip the races willy-nilly, or else you end up sounding like one of those Lórien Nation guys, always fulminating "why there isn't an elf history month!" Remember: Racism is magical prejudice plus magical power.
posted by RogerB at 3:49 PM on November 27, 2013 [8 favorites]


Sigh. The evil sorcerers are so much better in New York. I mean... sure, you can find decently evil witchcraft in DC, but you've got to ride a bat out to Rockville or Bethesda to find it, and it just isn't as real as the stuff you get in New York....

Don't even talk to me about those warlock wannabes in Petworth. Couldn't tell a hex from a curse if a werewolf chased them home from Columbia Heights.....

There's a pretty powerful mage who lives on top of the hill at the Naval Observatory, but he's one of those Gandalf type of wizards who can only use his powers on weird and mostly-useless occasions...
posted by schmod at 8:06 PM on November 27, 2013 [1 favorite]


The Naval Observatory mage is unusual in that instead of the traditional broom, his preferred conveyance is a Trans Am.
posted by exogenous at 6:32 AM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


It just occurred to me, on this post-Thanksgiving weekend, that "ort" means "leftovers" and "berg" means "mountain".
posted by moonmilk at 6:47 AM on November 30, 2013


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