If it happened there...

November 28, 2013 7:50 PM

If It Happened There … America’s Annual Festival Pilgrimage Begins. This is the fourth installment of a continuing series in which American events are described using the tropes and tone normally employed by the American media to describe events in other countries. Previously. Previouslier. Previouslierest.
posted by blue_beetle (29 comments total)

Thanksgiving is Bullshit

As a celebration of the first hearth, the first ritual communion of togetherness—the first moment in which “we” were a “we” together—it establishes “white settlement” as the moment when we became a we, the first moment of Americans, and not only erases the previous “Americans”—and the fact that the word “American” meant “those savage red people” until it stopped meaning that, and started meaning the “we” which meant “not them”—but it lays claim to an origin story that, because it is the original, the first, wipes the slate clean of everything else that came before. If Plymouth Rock is the beginning, then the thing which was begun requires the absence of anything that preceded it, which is not only forgotten, but as it is eliminated, disappears even as the thing requiring the work of erasing.

I’m not telling you anything you don’t know ... the fiction of “the first Thanksgiving” is not even surface-deep. Of course it’s bullshit. That some people believe it, or pretend to—children, grandparents, the television, right-wing culture warriors—is necessary to the establishment of the story as bullshit, as a story whose truth is literally irrelevant. But no one cares, and even they only pretend to.

posted by crayz at 8:02 PM on November 28, 2013

Pope Francis Canonizes Single Turkey In Annual Vatican Tradition
posted by Drinky Die at 8:13 PM on November 28, 2013 [1 favorite]

I so wanted to like this article, but it's just not doing it for me. I think it's because they tried to mash up a few different genres of foreign reporting. Coverage of Japan (our equals but weird) is very different from coverage of New Guinea (tribal people in huts) is very different from coverage of Germany (our European roots).

The tone jumps just weren't doing it for me.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:16 PM on November 28, 2013 [6 favorites]

I think, for this to really work, it should have been written by an Asian or an African. Someone very far away from US customs, observing from outside, writing about it like how an American would write about the Indian Holi or whatever. As it is, the attempt to be an outside observer is too well informed from being an insider, and so it loses its punch somehow.
posted by hippybear at 8:31 PM on November 28, 2013 [1 favorite]

This appears to be pretty spot on with how Australian media is presenting Thanksgiving.
posted by Mezentian at 9:10 PM on November 28, 2013 [3 favorites]

This appears to be pretty spot on with how Australian media is presenting Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving Food For Thought: What A Table Full Of Foreigners Taught Me About The Most American Of Holidays
posted by Drinky Die at 9:18 PM on November 28, 2013 [1 favorite]

What is it with this sudden spate of Australians having Thanksgiving parties all of a sudden?
It has become a thing this year.
posted by Mezentian at 9:27 PM on November 28, 2013

Well, it seems natural Mezentian. Coming so soon after Halloween an' all and just before the Happy Holidays.
posted by Kerasia at 9:42 PM on November 28, 2013

Tone jumps? How about factual errors? Turkeys are neither flightless nor tasteless. The flock that perched in my backyard trees didn't get up there using ladders. They also had the good taste to leave without befouling the yard, unlike those boorish Canadian geese.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 2:38 AM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

From Drinky Die's linked story:

"Potatoes and marshmallows,” the Irish wonder aloud, shooting glances at each other from across the table. My American compatriots assure the crowd that this dish, perhaps more than any other, is the one that we look forward to every year.

Good Lord, what place are those alleged Americans actually from? I have never heard of this concoction, and have been eating Txgiving dinners for over 60 years. If that were put in front of me, I seriously doubt I would try it. Besides, neither the Invasive Europeans nor the Indigenous Survivors had marshmallows, unless there's even more fiction in our history than I'm aware of.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 2:51 AM on November 29, 2013

Now I think those people extolling the "sweet potato casserole" were unaware that there are vegetables known as sweet potatoes, which have that quality intrinsically without any refined-sugar additives. This benighted condition apparently extends back to their grandmothers, who may have done all their Thanksgiving shopping at the 7-11.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 2:59 AM on November 29, 2013

Besides, neither the Invasive Europeans nor the Indigenous Survivors had marshmallows

actually, they did, but the marshmallow bushes needed passenger pigeon droppings to thrive, and therefore, we now have no bushes left - we also have to have turkey for thanksgiving instead of passenger pigeon, thus increasing american obesity
posted by pyramid termite at 3:38 AM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Good Lord, what place are those alleged Americans actually from? I have never heard of this concoction, and have been eating Txgiving dinners for over 60 years.

A friend of mine went to one Thanksgiving Dinner last night: this dish was served.
If y'all don't eat it, obviously we all thing you do.
Probably because you created smores.
posted by Mezentian at 4:02 AM on November 29, 2013

Skipping that would be like skipping the traditional banana and licorice quiche. Can you even call it Thanksgiving at that point?
posted by Drinky Die at 4:08 AM on November 29, 2013 [6 favorites]

Maybe the Plymouth pilgrims didn’t eat candied sweet potatoes at their famous first Thanksgiving feast, or perhaps they did. But these days, nearly everybody else does on Thanksgiving Day.

Marshmallow Turkeys - bonus!
posted by Mezentian at 4:23 AM on November 29, 2013

I don't think that I've ever actually seen sweet potato and marshmallow casserole in person either. We just cut up the sweet potatoes, boil them and serve them with a little salt and pepper. The marshmallow thing must be Midwestern.
posted by octothorpe at 5:26 AM on November 29, 2013

"Lord, we give thanks that your holy viruses give us plausible deniability, and slaughter most of the savages out of the way in the background while we sit here and eat their food."
posted by Grangousier at 5:33 AM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Sweet potatoes and marshmallows is definitely a thing. A disgusting thing, but a thing nonetheless that I've been served many times.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:41 AM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

~"Potatoes and marshmallows,” the Irish wonder aloud, shooting glances at each other from across the table. My American compatriots assure the crowd that this dish, perhaps more than any other, is the one that we look forward to every year.

~Good Lord, what place are those alleged Americans actually from?

It's regional specialty, found mostly between the Pacific coast and the Atlantic coast. Done properly, the marshmallows melt completely, glazing the sweet potatoes and ever so slightly caramelizing. It's been served at every Thanksgiving I've been to over the course of my 55 years.

I have been served versions where the marshmallows have been added at the last minute and remain more-or-less intact. This is a sweet potato fail, and will cost you several foodie demerits if you serve such a lazy abomination.

Obviously, they left off the word "sweet" from "potatoes". 'Cause, yeah, marshmallows on Yukon Golds would be....ew.
posted by Thorzdad at 6:04 AM on November 29, 2013 [4 favorites]

I have been served versions where the marshmallows have been added at the last minute and remain more-or-less intact

The images I was sent from last night suggest that was the case.
posted by Mezentian at 6:07 AM on November 29, 2013

You can always just read foreign English-language coverage of the US Thanksgiving directly...

Xinhua (PRC):

• Xinhua's coverage of Obama's turkey-pardoning (it gets a 'news of the weird'-style photo, but very high on the "most viewed" lists);
• Video coverage of the Macy's parade (pretty typical);
• A photo essay documenting Houston's Thanksgiving celebrations taken by an actual Xinhua staff photog (not sure why Houston, although there are some weirdly upskirt-y crotch shots of cheerleaders and also, inexplicably, the Houston Reds mascot on a Segway, plus the usual photos of floats and kids);
• A video piece on the apparent shortage of fresh turkeys in the US (of which I was blissfully unaware);
• A pre-Black Friday piece on consumer spending, which is probably less judgemental than you'd find in most US news outlets and doesn't mention the open-on-Thursday controversy.

RIA Novosti (Russia):

• Barack Obama pardons two turkeys on Thanksgiving from several years ago, there doesn't seem to be any coverage of Thanksgiving this year (I guess American fluff pieces are out of style);
• American Tastes: Thanksgiving Turkey, a really delightful video segment, also from a few years ago, in which a TGI Fridays (?) chef demonstrates the correct way to cook a Thanksgiving turkey (spoiler: he brines it, you should too), and a narrator explains that "people eat as much as they want on Thursday, and then just stay in bed for three days."

Russia Today (Russia, editorially independent from RIA):

• Breaking The Set: Turkey pardon fail, Black Friday mass consumption [...], an impressively cutting opinion piece (part of a series called "Breaking the Set") criticizing the hypocrisy of pardoning turkeys with non-violent drug offenders still in prison, and describing Black Friday as "America's most disturbing holiday" with discussion of Wal-Mart's labor practices.

PressTV (Iran):

• Four things Obama is thankful for, which is not really coverage of Thanksgiving per se, but it's the top-billed "Thanksgiving" article, which is somewhat telling;
• Walmart to put 1mn people to work on Thanksgiving doesn't pull any punches.

Most of the articles, with the exception of some of the older RIA ones, seem to assume that the reader is already well familiar with US Thanksgiving customs. I do wonder if some of the non-English-translated articles from Xinhua or other Chinese outlets would have more background.
posted by Kadin2048 at 6:54 AM on November 29, 2013 [5 favorites]

I don't know if it was the sweet potato and marshmallow casserole, or the undercooked turkey combined with red kool-aid, but I will never forget the 24 hours of vommiting that followed my Thanksgiving 2002 dinner. I'd never seen vomit glow before.
posted by blue_beetle at 7:29 AM on November 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

There was not nearly enough condescension in that article to really convey how the U.S. reports on other countries.
posted by kyrademon at 7:35 AM on November 29, 2013

I wouldn't want to be the politician to suggest this, but we should really follow the Canadian model and move Thanksgiving to the beginning of the week. (To Tuesday, so we still get the four-day weekend.)

It's nuts that the big event of Thanksgiving, a huge meal that takes hours if not days to prepare, happens at the beginning of the holiday.

You'd have the weekend to get ready, Monday to go buy cheap shit for Christmas, then Tuesday to gorge yourself. You'd be stuffed and asleep by eight, a great weekend behind you.

(I'm sure my thinking here is influenced by being from New Orleans, where Fat Tuesday itself comes on the last day of your Mardi Gras holiday, and is essentially over by 1 PM for most people.)
posted by Ian A.T. at 8:11 AM on November 29, 2013

I'm not sure if the bit about turkeys being flightless is a mistake on Slate's part, or a deliberate attempt to include misinformation, as if the hypothetical author didn't care enough about these backward people to bother fact-checking.
posted by ckape at 11:05 AM on November 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

It's nuts that the big event of Thanksgiving, a huge meal that takes hours if not days to prepare, happens at the beginning of the holiday.

Psshhht, no, spoken like someone who doesn't cook.This is the best possible structure; get it all done at once, keep expectations under control and buy yourself some time. Here you have a Thursday holiday that involves no more prep than grocery shopping, and you go all stops on Thursday and then have three free days with no expectations, rather than a bunch of days leading up to some kind of culmination. No one needs that. If we had three days off before we were supposed to produce a feast embodying all things homey, nationalistic, sincere, and seasonal, we'd end up having to do some kind of 14-course extravaganza with readings and pageantry and extreme crafting. Keeping the expectations limited to a simple, rustic menu is the brilliance of this holiday. This holiday is perfectly designed and should not be tinkered with. You shop on the weekend/week before, you have a very logistical Thursday of baking and warming and roasting and stirring, and then:

Friday.

Saturday.

Sunday.

If only every holiday worked like this, this host/cook would be thrilled.
posted by Miko at 9:13 PM on November 29, 2013

"Potatoes and marshmallows,” the Irish wonder aloud

Everyone found the sweet potato and marshmallow thing weird, but he uses the Irish guests as the example. How surprising.
posted by knapah at 6:41 AM on November 30, 2013

"Everyone" does not find it weird. It seems like the confusion stems from the presumption that these are regular white potatoes.
posted by Miko at 6:52 AM on November 30, 2013

The roasted sweet potato I had at Cracker Barrel came with brown sugar and cinnamon. And 1/4 cup of butter that I didn't use. But anyway, the added sweetness worked really well.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 9:29 PM on November 30, 2013