L'eau de rien
December 1, 2013 4:33 PM   Subscribe

Looking for a holiday gift for the designer who has everything? Drench them in Helvetica The Perfume. Twitter feed. Via.
posted by sutt (48 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
 
Too bad it's $62 plus shipping
posted by benk at 4:46 PM on December 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm a fan of both typography and perfume, and this rubs me the wrong way. The copy implies that Helvetica is somehow the absence of design, and at least tell me what the fragrance actually smells like, notes and all. Unless this is literally a bottle of water.

I love a well-crafted fragrance that blends subtly with the skin, just like I love a good typeface that can be used for anything. It would be actually really interesting if a perfumer developed a series of scents based on various fonts.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:00 PM on December 1, 2013 [4 favorites]


at least tell me what the fragrance actually smells like, notes and all.

I bet it's just water. Air and water and you.
posted by mochapickle at 5:14 PM on December 1, 2013


It is in fact just water.
posted by ardgedee at 5:17 PM on December 1, 2013


ha! I should have seen it:

Numbered limited edition
24k gold printing on bottle
Typeset in Helvetica Bold
Letterpressed exterior packaging
Contains 2 oz of distilled water
Shipped ready for gifting
posted by mochapickle at 5:17 PM on December 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


/flogs bottles of Arial for $2. It is tap water.
posted by Artw at 5:18 PM on December 1, 2013 [8 favorites]


I saw this last week and was not really thrilled...

First it's pretty clear they don't get why Helvetica is a particular kind of apotheosis among the designers that presumably is the target market, so they went for a vaguely-aimed cheap shot at a miscalculated assumption.

Second, ffs, sixty two bucks.
posted by ardgedee at 5:19 PM on December 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


As a fumehead, this irritates me utterly. At least have something in the bottle.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 5:20 PM on December 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


Comic Sans: A four gallon bucket of clown urine
posted by Sys Rq at 5:20 PM on December 1, 2013 [22 favorites]


Yeah, the real helvetica would be... some sort of citrus verbena, perhaps?
posted by mochapickle at 5:21 PM on December 1, 2013


Chalkboard: Mime urine in a tasteful bottle.
posted by Artw at 5:24 PM on December 1, 2013


IMPACT SMELLS LIKE CATS
posted by Artw at 5:25 PM on December 1, 2013 [4 favorites]


a grassy verbena with notes of chamomile?
posted by armisme at 5:25 PM on December 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


For fuck's sake, it actually is just water? That is so many kinds of stupid.

If Helvetica were a perfume, it'd likely be something like this or this.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:33 PM on December 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


The copy implies that Helvetica is somehow the absence of design, and at least tell me what the fragrance actually smells like, notes and all. Unless this is literally a bottle of water.

A pile of money for a pretty bottle with nothing in it? I think these guys know their target audience very, very well.
posted by mhoye at 5:33 PM on December 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


Futura does not have a consistent smell of its own. Instead it finds and vividly activates your earliest olfactory memory of a natural history museum or public library. The exact neurological mechanism by which it does this is still unknown.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 5:39 PM on December 1, 2013 [4 favorites]


Helvetica should sell like the nicest, cleanest airport hotel lobby ever, faint, unobtrusive and fleeting.
posted by The Whelk at 5:40 PM on December 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Cooper Black smells like dried sweat, hazy ozone summers, and a faint whif of high quality hashish.
posted by The Whelk at 5:41 PM on December 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


Market Deco is a hot sauce and bacon cupcake with metallic notes that seems inviting until you have a whole room full of it and it becomes oppressive and tedious.
posted by The Whelk at 5:44 PM on December 1, 2013


Impact is just smashing a jug of pure vanillia extract on the floor and running away.
posted by The Whelk at 5:45 PM on December 1, 2013 [6 favorites]


Trajan smells like stone and movie posters.
posted by mochapickle at 5:47 PM on December 1, 2013


Tartan is the middle office on a middle floor in the middle of the organization. It is burnt coffee and cheap leather and polished pressed wood conference tables.

Papyrus is a cloud of pumpkin cardamom sandalwood rose lavander, cloying and faux exotic and too powerful to dispel.
posted by The Whelk at 5:49 PM on December 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


Arial smells like defeat.
posted by sutt at 5:51 PM on December 1, 2013


Arial smells of dust-coated overheating power supplies.
Times Roman smells of fatigue induced by unrelenting anxiety.
Every handwriting font smells like an intern at the print shop.
Every extra-heavy font smells like cheap spaghetti sauce.
posted by ardgedee at 5:55 PM on December 1, 2013


Papyrus smells like that slightly overfriendly 60something lady at the "magick" store: a bit of lavender, a bit of patchouli, some sandalwood incense fumes, and a hint of extremely fine medical marijuana, "for my arthritis, dear!"
posted by elizardbits at 6:01 PM on December 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Curlz smells like juicy fruit that has been chewed for about 30 minutes and then stuck under one of those desks where the desk arm is attached to the chair.
posted by elizardbits at 6:02 PM on December 1, 2013


Gill Sans smells like teen spirit...
posted by Devonian at 6:03 PM on December 1, 2013


Curlz is a child who has not been bathed all day, covered in sticky lollipop residue and dirt and stale soda.
posted by The Whelk at 6:04 PM on December 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


Edwardian Script ITC smells like tuberculosis and hartshorn.
posted by elizardbits at 6:04 PM on December 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


Gil Sands is exhaust in the winter air, slight hint of mold in paper, wet brick and metal polish.
posted by The Whelk at 6:06 PM on December 1, 2013


Garamond, a cheap paperback, an old couch, dust on the mantel and cardboard boxes.
posted by The Whelk at 6:08 PM on December 1, 2013


MS Cooperplate: the rubber tread of a line of men on treadmills watching financial news.
posted by The Whelk at 6:14 PM on December 1, 2013


Myriad smells like new fingerprint smudges on new glass. Garamond smells like dried lavender.
posted by mochapickle at 6:17 PM on December 1, 2013


This is becoming downright lyrical.
posted by sutt at 6:23 PM on December 1, 2013


Brush Script: Notebook paper, plastic, and rubbing alcohol.
posted by mochapickle at 6:28 PM on December 1, 2013


Lucinda Console: day old baked goods, industrial cleaning products, the hot peaty odor of a climate control system kicking in.
posted by The Whelk at 6:32 PM on December 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


Monaco: a whiff of ozone and the sinus-aridifying lack of moisture found in server rooms.
posted by spitefulcrow at 6:36 PM on December 1, 2013


Trebuchet: A forgotten brown-bag lunch left in the work refrigerator over the weekend: greying carrots, a crumbly oatmeal cookie, smashed bread.
posted by mochapickle at 6:39 PM on December 1, 2013


Computer Modern smells like the carpet in Don Knuth's office.
posted by irrelephant at 6:40 PM on December 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


Webdings: crayons and spilt apple juice.
posted by spitefulcrow at 6:43 PM on December 1, 2013


Someone do bank gothic!
posted by mochapickle at 6:43 PM on December 1, 2013


Calibri: uncomfortable metallic office furniture.
posted by tallmiddleagedgeek at 7:12 PM on December 1, 2013


Times New Roman smells like your grandfather's newspaper, but that's actually kind of a nice smell.
posted by Curious Artificer at 8:33 PM on December 1, 2013


Courier == Your Dad's Old Spice.
posted by SPrintF at 8:42 PM on December 1, 2013


...which would make Deja Vu one of those weird allegedly "sporty" Old Spice scents that they came out with a while ago...
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 9:07 PM on December 1, 2013


Zapf Chancery: polyester graduation gowns and AquaNet. Bookman: pencil erasers and peeling white glue. Badhouse: the stench of Axe and locker rooms.

I was hoping that the Helvetica scent would be a real thing; something like the In the Library scent by Christopher Brosius — "In the Library is a warm blend of English Novel*, Russian & Moroccan Leather Bindings, Worn Cloth and a hint of Wood Polish."

Alas.
posted by culfinglin at 11:41 AM on December 2, 2013


Papyrus: potpourri, mothballs and grandma farts
posted by slogger at 1:08 PM on December 2, 2013


Segoe UI: flop sweat and Dockers.
posted by maudlin at 9:20 PM on December 2, 2013


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