Bears Bears Bears. Too many bears
December 13, 2013 6:27 AM Subscribe
Special Report: BEARS!
Bears In Central Florida is a special report of the Orlando Sentinel consisting of
Bear Map
Bear Vids
Bear Pics
Grin and Bear it
Bear Chart
Don't Shoot The Bears
Who Bears Responsibility? Hint: not the Bears.
Bears In Central Florida is a special report of the Orlando Sentinel consisting of
Bear Map
Bear Vids
Bear Pics
Grin and Bear it
Bear Chart
Don't Shoot The Bears
Who Bears Responsibility? Hint: not the Bears.
Bears! Charging down the ravine,
Eyes glowing bright as they tear out your spleen.
Over the mountains they fly with a roar
Wherever they go, the bears just leave gore!
Bears! Standing tall in the woods,
They'll bite off your face if you're up to no good.
Claws leaving scars, giant teeth tearing skin,
Fur on the outside and darkness within!
[source, SLYT goblin metal]
posted by Sticherbeast at 6:41 AM on December 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
Eyes glowing bright as they tear out your spleen.
Over the mountains they fly with a roar
Wherever they go, the bears just leave gore!
Bears! Standing tall in the woods,
They'll bite off your face if you're up to no good.
Claws leaving scars, giant teeth tearing skin,
Fur on the outside and darkness within!
[source, SLYT goblin metal]
posted by Sticherbeast at 6:41 AM on December 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
I kept waiting for one of the homeowners to walk outside and tell those meddling teen bears to knock off the rough housing and Get OFF the Lawn!
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:41 AM on December 13, 2013
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:41 AM on December 13, 2013
*tweet* Illegal hold! Re-set!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:52 AM on December 13, 2013
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:52 AM on December 13, 2013
Bears! Standing tall in the woods,
They'll bite off your face if you're up to no good.
Claws leaving scars, giant teeth tearing skin,
Fur on the outside and darkness within!
That would fit over I'm pretty sure every single song on Kill 'em All, and would improve most of them.
posted by Wolfdog at 6:55 AM on December 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
They'll bite off your face if you're up to no good.
Claws leaving scars, giant teeth tearing skin,
Fur on the outside and darkness within!
That would fit over I'm pretty sure every single song on Kill 'em All, and would improve most of them.
posted by Wolfdog at 6:55 AM on December 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Never go to Florida.
posted by Going To Maine at 6:57 AM on December 13, 2013
posted by Going To Maine at 6:57 AM on December 13, 2013
Never go to Florida.
posted by Going To Maine at 9:57 AM on December 13
Bear Population by State
Florida - 3,000
...
Maine - 25,000
posted by one more dead town's last parade at 7:05 AM on December 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by Going To Maine at 9:57 AM on December 13
Bear Population by State
Florida - 3,000
...
Maine - 25,000
posted by one more dead town's last parade at 7:05 AM on December 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
The real problem with bears is that they look like they would be good for hugs, especially the little pudgy cubs. BUT NO. Hugging tiny bears leads to your horrible death via giant angry bears.
this is a terrible injustice
posted by elizardbits at 7:08 AM on December 13, 2013 [8 favorites]
this is a terrible injustice
posted by elizardbits at 7:08 AM on December 13, 2013 [8 favorites]
Someday someone will have a grand unveiling and reveal that they have bred a miniature domesticated bear and all dogs and cats will thereon be put on notice.
posted by Atreides at 7:14 AM on December 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Atreides at 7:14 AM on December 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
They must have a lot of Tiger rocks.
posted by blue_beetle at 7:21 AM on December 13, 2013
posted by blue_beetle at 7:21 AM on December 13, 2013
I bet Stephen Colbert would love this post.
posted by Pendragon at 7:34 AM on December 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Pendragon at 7:34 AM on December 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Time to send in Bear Force One.
Hoo hah!
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 8:46 AM on December 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Hoo hah!
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 8:46 AM on December 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
From the video: "We have a bear pretty much living with us for over a year. A big black bear, I'd guess him to be about 500 pounds... He'd gone into my garage and stolen a birthday ice cream cake... I have an outdoor kitchen with a little bar fridge. He opened that up and he drank 18 beers out of there... Cans of beer and he just bit them. He drank every single thing in my bar fridge."
I want to party with that bear.
posted by stargell at 8:50 AM on December 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
I want to party with that bear.
posted by stargell at 8:50 AM on December 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
How sure are they that it was actually a bear and not a a couple of frat dudes in bear suits, really.
posted by elizardbits at 9:22 AM on December 13, 2013
posted by elizardbits at 9:22 AM on December 13, 2013
How sure are we that all bears aren't frat guys in bear suits that have been magicked by misandrist witchcraft into bears?
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:28 AM on December 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:28 AM on December 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
The main reason I posted this is this story:
Until last month, bears were no big deal for Gisele Parker, 61, who had lived on Stonebridge Drive for 14 years and saw them often. They seemed to want to avoid her.
“And that’s why I know this bear is different,” she said of the beast she spotted across the street Oct. 20.
Parker saw it during an evening stroll with her Chihuahua mix, Paco. She decided to go back inside.
“I turn around to look, and the bear is galloping toward us,” she said.
In the seconds it took Parker to gather Paco, get up the porch steps, open the door and step through the threshold, the bear reached her porch. Parker literally slammed the door in the bear’s face.
= every horror dream I've ever had
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:29 AM on December 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Until last month, bears were no big deal for Gisele Parker, 61, who had lived on Stonebridge Drive for 14 years and saw them often. They seemed to want to avoid her.
“And that’s why I know this bear is different,” she said of the beast she spotted across the street Oct. 20.
Parker saw it during an evening stroll with her Chihuahua mix, Paco. She decided to go back inside.
“I turn around to look, and the bear is galloping toward us,” she said.
In the seconds it took Parker to gather Paco, get up the porch steps, open the door and step through the threshold, the bear reached her porch. Parker literally slammed the door in the bear’s face.
= every horror dream I've ever had
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:29 AM on December 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
except you are in your underwears and the bear is carrying a pop quiz in its teeth
posted by elizardbits at 10:19 AM on December 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by elizardbits at 10:19 AM on December 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Can you please refrain from making jokes in this thread? serious Bear discussion only thx
Anyway yeah no the bear is in my underwear and I'm giving the Annual Sales report.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:27 AM on December 13, 2013
Anyway yeah no the bear is in my underwear and I'm giving the Annual Sales report.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:27 AM on December 13, 2013
In the dreams where the bear has nothing on, that's the BEAR'S nightmare. Duh.
Out here in Missouri, bears were hunted to non-existence. Now it's populations in neighboring states that are bleeding over and making appearances.
I've only see a bear in the wild twice. Once, a week after a disappointing trip through the Smokies where I saw not one bear, I had one run across the highway I was driving on in Southwest Virginia. The second time, at Glacier National Park, from a mile away climbing up a mountain with three cubs. Meanwhile, my parents in Central Virginia, merely had to wait for the bear to show up out of nowhere, bend over the metal pole that had the bird feeder on it - it the bird feed, then wander into the garage, open the plastic bin with the bird seed bags and haul that out into the driveway to eat like popcorn. The same bear was later chased away by a neighbor with a lacrosse stick.
posted by Atreides at 11:28 AM on December 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Out here in Missouri, bears were hunted to non-existence. Now it's populations in neighboring states that are bleeding over and making appearances.
I've only see a bear in the wild twice. Once, a week after a disappointing trip through the Smokies where I saw not one bear, I had one run across the highway I was driving on in Southwest Virginia. The second time, at Glacier National Park, from a mile away climbing up a mountain with three cubs. Meanwhile, my parents in Central Virginia, merely had to wait for the bear to show up out of nowhere, bend over the metal pole that had the bird feeder on it - it the bird feed, then wander into the garage, open the plastic bin with the bird seed bags and haul that out into the driveway to eat like popcorn. The same bear was later chased away by a neighbor with a lacrosse stick.
posted by Atreides at 11:28 AM on December 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
"He was one of those who purchased a house in bear country unawares, and later bought dogs to protect his home."
From the last link. I suspect the reporter couldn't resist the rhyme. I also wonder what the bear attacks vs. alligator attacks graph would look like and if new residents are less puzzled by alligators because hey it's Florida. I was not aware of bears in FL either.
posted by spamandkimchi at 12:45 PM on December 13, 2013
From the last link. I suspect the reporter couldn't resist the rhyme. I also wonder what the bear attacks vs. alligator attacks graph would look like and if new residents are less puzzled by alligators because hey it's Florida. I was not aware of bears in FL either.
posted by spamandkimchi at 12:45 PM on December 13, 2013
I want to see the stats for combined Bear/Alligator attacks, where the bear throws the alligator, like Colossus throwing Wolverine.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:23 PM on December 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:23 PM on December 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
The 2013 Deadspin Bear Of The Year: Bicycle-Riding Bear Who Ate a Monkey
Tetherball Bear was robbed, srsly.
posted by tonycpsu at 2:00 PM on December 13, 2013
Tetherball Bear was robbed, srsly.
posted by tonycpsu at 2:00 PM on December 13, 2013
How sure are we that all bears aren't frat guys in bear suits that have been magicked by misandrist witchcraft into bears?
Have I got a movie for you!
posted by JHarris at 2:42 PM on December 13, 2013
Have I got a movie for you!
posted by JHarris at 2:42 PM on December 13, 2013
This is fascinating. I thought Florida was one big suburbia (with some alligators, granted). But if bears live there, there must be some big wilderness for breeding. Obviously not for feeding, though. Now I finally want to go to Florida
posted by mumimor at 3:02 PM on December 13, 2013
posted by mumimor at 3:02 PM on December 13, 2013
It could also be Jack Aubrey in that bear suit. Can he dance to a flute?
posted by stargell at 3:19 PM on December 13, 2013
posted by stargell at 3:19 PM on December 13, 2013
This is fascinating. I thought Florida was one big suburbia (with some alligators, granted).
No dude.
Dude, no.
posted by Gymnopedist at 4:10 PM on December 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
No dude.
Dude, no.
posted by Gymnopedist at 4:10 PM on December 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Am I the only person that can't get to the article because it's requiring me to either have an account or initiate one?
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 5:58 PM on December 13, 2013
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 5:58 PM on December 13, 2013
“Black bears rarely attack. But here's the thing. Sometimes they do. All bears are agile, cunning and immensely strong, and they are always hungry. If they want to kill you and eat you, they can, and pretty much whenever they want. That doesn't happen often, but - and here is the absolutely salient point - once would be enough.”
― Bill Bryson, A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail
posted by bryon at 1:04 AM on December 14, 2013
― Bill Bryson, A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail
posted by bryon at 1:04 AM on December 14, 2013
I an trapped in a staff meeting and am either maintaining or abandoning all sanity by singing the FPP's title to the tune of "Surfin' Bird" over and over.
posted by Celsius1414 at 10:05 AM on December 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Celsius1414 at 10:05 AM on December 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
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posted by Atreides at 6:28 AM on December 13, 2013 [1 favorite]