according to andy borowitz, the cia is using
January 2, 2002 9:34 PM   Subscribe

according to andy borowitz, the cia is using mariah carey's movie "glitter" in the interrogations of al qaeda operatives. apparently, "the film usually induces prisoners to talk after 10 or 12 minutes." yow. the US is fighting dirty! this has got to be one of the most humorous things i've read in a while. (via newsweek)
posted by sixtwenty3dc (20 comments total)
Is it because she's from the 80s. Yeah, that is pretty funny, I guess.
posted by holloway at 9:35 PM on January 2, 2002

Eh? Mariah Carey's first album was in 1990. Not that I'm a fan.

*scampers off in shame*
posted by Karl at 9:45 PM on January 2, 2002

I'd talk. Anything but that! Make it stop!
posted by hadashi at 9:47 PM on January 2, 2002

I was wondering when legitimate news organizations would pick up on the Onion style reporting (ie, hugely entertaining, completely made up) and while this is clearly a joke, does anyone worry about the line blurring? Newsweek is usually a reliable source, and in this case it is clear that it is not a true story but I still find it a little bit disturbing.
posted by mikeyb at 9:55 PM on January 2, 2002

Eh? Mariah Carey's first album was in 1990.

I'll back holloway up on this one: I consider 1990, with respect to music anyway, to be part of the 80's.
posted by sillygwailo at 9:57 PM on January 2, 2002

This is nothing compared to the hours of Billy Ray Cyrus played for the Branch Dividian's benefit.
posted by canoeguide at 10:44 PM on January 2, 2002

Canoe, didn't they actually play Guns n Roses? That and the sounds of animals being slaughtered.

Or am I high?
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:49 PM on January 2, 2002

I know they did play the sounds of animals being slaughtered...and you're high.
posted by Doug at 10:51 PM on January 2, 2002

Maybe I'm alone on this, but I just don't find it funny. The "Glitter as torture" jokes were hilarious for the first month or two. Don't you think it's time for the humorists [sic] to jump on some other dead horse?

The best news humor breaks out of cliché. This story just wallows in it.
posted by chipr at 11:00 PM on January 2, 2002

That explains this ungodly craving for HoHo's, and why Hotel California is on repeat on the CD Player.
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:20 PM on January 2, 2002

For the English readers among them, I recommend blogs, warblogs and community weblogs: The commentary here would turn even the toughest.
posted by y2karl at 11:31 PM on January 2, 2002

The Guardian: "It was billed as the biggest recording contract of all time - but it could be about to prove the costliest embarrassment in the history of pop. According to reports which swept the music industry yesterday, the singer Mariah Carey is to receive a payment of £35m to release her label, Virgin Records, from a contract which would have paid her more than £13m for every album she recorded." So, how much does the CIA pay?
posted by Carol Anne at 5:20 AM on January 3, 2002

mikeyb: I think it's a huge mistake for a reputable press outlet to run Onion-style fake news. The way the story is presented, there are doubtlessly going to be hundreds of people who don't recognize that it is satirical.

Adding further insult, it's a predictable gag that isn't terribly funny.
posted by rcade at 6:34 AM on January 3, 2002

They had opted for glitter after human rights activists threatened to march in Washington if they used Battlefield Earth.

In a test interrogation, the suspect talked but was forever disfigured with a twisted neck after watching the scientology box office bomb.

Don Rickles, the new spokesperson for the CIA said, "We debated Striesand but even the Jews thought that was cruel and unusual".

posted by Zebulun at 8:38 AM on January 3, 2002

Just hope they don't break out the Vogon poetry.
posted by Potsy at 9:35 AM on January 3, 2002

oh god. vogon poetry. we need to issue military earplugs to our rangers, and have them going through the caves with vogon poetry on the loudspeakers. hey look. there's osama!.
i think we should subject osama (when we catch him, before we execute him) to ALL of america's worst movies. and ones that will make him just cringe (ie: how about disclosure, where the business suited BOSS frames a company exec with sexual harassment charges). mm. the possibilities.
posted by sixtwenty3dc at 12:07 PM on January 3, 2002

human rights activists threatened to march in Washington if they used Battlefield Earth

"Battlefield Earth" has become a favorite synonym for "bad movie", even though most of the people who use it as such never even saw it. Well, as one of the 725 people who did see B. Earth, let me tell you that, to my surprise, it was somehow every bit as bad as everyone says it was. This was no "Ishtar", folks, where some people actually kind of enjoyed it -- this was the worst big-budget motion picture I had ever seen.

Thought you should know.
posted by Shadowkeeper at 1:32 PM on January 3, 2002

The Postman shall forever be ingrained in my memory as the worst movie ever. No crazy scientologist is going to change that.
posted by Ptrin at 2:53 PM on January 3, 2002

I saw both the Postman and Battlefield Earth and the Hubbard brainwashing was far worse. Postman was just another Waterworld with different scenery.

Fortunately, the lingering damage has been undone by an excellent bunch of holiday moviewatching - Amelie, LOTR, Shipping News, Ocean's Eleven, The Royal Tenenbaums, Harry Potter, Spy Game, and Ali. Never have I had such a good movie month! Unfortunately, there will be nothing left for video...
posted by srboisvert at 5:07 PM on January 3, 2002

What? I didn't even mention her music
posted by holloway at 8:57 PM on January 5, 2002

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