When you wish upon a star...

December 22, 2013 7:55 AM

Brenda Schmitz wrote a letter to STAR 102.5′s Christmas Wish in August of 2011 – one month before she passed away from ovarian cancer at the age of 46. She asked her friend to send us her wish once her husband David had found someone else to love him and to help take care of their four boys. David has found someone and Brenda's Christmas wish has been granted.
posted by NoraCharles (50 comments total)

Wow.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:04 AM on December 22, 2013 [2 favorites]

bawled like a baby when i saw this story this morning. the love the wife showed her family, and the woman who would get to be part of everything she knew she'd miss, is frankly awe inspiring.
posted by nadawi at 8:15 AM on December 22, 2013 [3 favorites]

I'm sniffling just from reading the text of the letter. I can't listen to the audio right now because I know it'll wreck me for half the day.

Wow indeed.

Also, fuck cancer.
(Ten years this month since I had surgery to deal with my (thankfully very lazy/slow-growing) ovarian cancer. I was very very lucky, but many others are not.)
posted by rmd1023 at 8:17 AM on December 22, 2013 [3 favorites]

My unsmiling, cold, optimistic, Eisenhowerian superego read this and was pleased at the fact that those children obviously have excellent role models.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:19 AM on December 22, 2013 [15 favorites]

I'd like to think if I was one month from losing to cancer I'd have that kind of grace and class. But there is no fucking way. I'd be miserable and selfish and mad at the whole world. And now I have to go deal with some dust that has gotten into my eyes.
posted by COD at 8:24 AM on December 22, 2013 [4 favorites]

I cried, and then I read it to my wife and we both cried. Those children are so very fortunate to have so much love in their lives.
posted by arcticwoman at 8:30 AM on December 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

Waaaaaaaah :( What a great family. Thanks for posting.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:39 AM on December 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh holy shit will you people stop making me cry please?

Thank you- I love you- whoever you are.

Is exactly where I completely lost it. As COD said, that is grace and class.

I need to go borrow my neighbour's cat for some purring time.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:46 AM on December 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

*biblical wailing*
posted by kimberussell at 8:52 AM on December 22, 2013

Wow. Fortunately, there are very few ways I would prefer to spend a snowed-in Sunday than weeping with overwhelming love for humanity. I'll carry this story with me for a long, long time. Thanks for posting it.
posted by divined by radio at 9:02 AM on December 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm so glad you posted this. Thank you.
posted by mochapickle at 9:11 AM on December 22, 2013

Wow. I have no idea if Brenda Schmitz ever read anything about Buddhism, but all I could think of while reading the letter (I, too, am waiting to listen to the audio when I have plenty of time to cry) was that this is what it means to be a bodhisattva. Just... wow.
posted by scody at 9:13 AM on December 22, 2013 [6 favorites]

Wow. Dang.
posted by Glinn at 9:21 AM on December 22, 2013

I'm bawling here. If you've lost a spouse, you may want to put off watching this for a day or two. It's been four years for me and this still made me feel like I got punched in the gut.
posted by mrbill at 9:25 AM on December 22, 2013 [10 favorites]

After that thy this. It'll at least help clear the dust from eyes.
posted by COD at 9:27 AM on December 22, 2013

Fantastic story, as others have said, this is grace to think of others when you're dying. Cried unashamedly in front of the cat.

Hugs to you, mrbill.
posted by arcticseal at 9:31 AM on December 22, 2013 [4 favorites]

UpFilter

"This woman was one month from dying of Ovarian cancer. Her poise and grace will thaw your cold, cynical hearts."


(Godspeed, Brenda)
posted by bpm140 at 9:34 AM on December 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

So there is a philosophical argument which says that 'goodness' and 'perfection' cannot exist in the same universe. The reason that evil exists is that if it didn't, good could never exist. If everything was perfect, if nothing bad ever happened, then nobody would need to sacrifice or strive or even care very much. Goodness exists, in this model of the world, because evil makes it necessary. Maybe we don't want perfection, goes this argument, because if we had that, we'd be missing goodness.

This made me think of the 'incompatibility of goodness and perfection' argument.

Sometimes humans can be like this. There lay, inside this person, a greatness of spirit that I think sits secretly inside every human. And that great human spirit, when faced with a really terrible evil, was able to do a kind of judo flip, to use the momentum of that evil against it. She created a wonderful good in the world which, I think, could hold its head up in the company of the great works of art and science. It wasn't huge, or world changing, it was very, very personal, but it was unambiguously beautiful.

Evils are bad, and life is full of evils. Cancer is terrible, and should never be inflicted on anyone. Worse, there are people who excel at taking goodness (generosity, caring, comradeship) and turning it into man-made evil. But we have an equal and opposite capacity, a wonderful gift, to take the darkest and most vile of evils and turn them into a light which banishes the shadows.
posted by Dreadnought at 9:44 AM on December 22, 2013 [17 favorites]

I guess I'm just cynical, but my first thought was maybe she was trying to hire a hitman to kill his new wife.

But that's just me.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:11 AM on December 22, 2013

All the tears.
posted by bilabial at 10:22 AM on December 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

Hey, lots of hugs to mrbill. This has to be a nearly impossible time of year.
posted by mochapickle at 10:25 AM on December 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

Seems like being a ghost at the wedding, though. Dead two years, kids got over their grief, husband finally moving on; the perfect time to make it all about me again...
posted by Segundus at 10:50 AM on December 22, 2013 [2 favorites]

Seems like being a ghost at the wedding, though. Dead two years, kids got over their grief, husband finally moving on; the perfect time to make it all about me again...

That's a pretty uncharitable reading. Her memory will be present at her husband's wedding two years later no matter what, because presumably her family are not sociopaths who would forget about her. And knowing that she was finding a way to extend her love and desire for happiness for her family into the future, after she'd be gone, may have very much helped her have a more peaceful death.
posted by scody at 10:58 AM on December 22, 2013 [29 favorites]

Segundus, I think that regardless of whether she'd written this or not, she would be there in spirit (so to speak) for her children and widowed husband. But this way the thoughts of her are positive and happy instead of possibly tinged with guilt.

On preview: what scody said.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:00 AM on December 22, 2013

.
posted by limeonaire at 11:55 AM on December 22, 2013

Wanting to be remembered by your children and family, and wanting them to know that you love them and want them to have love is not "making it all about you". It's being a human being, and a good one.
posted by tavella at 12:07 PM on December 22, 2013 [2 favorites]

What an amazing thing, to be able to be selfless at the end of your life. Brenda realized that, in the most fundamental way, it wasn't about her anymore, that she was soon ceasing to exist, and so did what she could to help her family find more love and nurturing and to stay whole. I am humbled by her selflessness (and don't see a legitimately uncharitable reading of her actions).

Truly, I am humbled today, and reminded to delight in the love around me. I am thankful that Brenda's gift to her family two years after she stopped being is also a gift to me.
posted by LooseFilter at 12:09 PM on December 22, 2013

kids got over their grief,

You can't seriously think her kids got over her death in two years.
posted by Coatlicue at 12:20 PM on December 22, 2013 [16 favorites]

Okay, major cynic weighing in here.

I sniffled too, until she got to the part about the spa day, etc. at which point I thought: I hope the guy has plenty of extra cash to carry out her wishes. Just sayin'.

returns to grinch cave
posted by kinnakeet at 12:39 PM on December 22, 2013

OK, I'll be a killjoy from another angle.

I find it pretty disgusting that they set up a camera and filmed him getting extremely intense, personal news. Because they knew it would look dramatic and generate lots of page hits and site traffic. Yeah, I'm sure he signed a permission slip and all, it still strikes me as some sort of gross emotional porn that is a very unhealthy aspect of our culture.

Oh, I totally agree the woman herself is inspiringly awesome, but I'm left thinking the radio station's gesture is more "inappropriate publicity stunt" than "heartwarming gift".
posted by the bricabrac man at 12:44 PM on December 22, 2013

You know, it's totally ok not to be a killjoy.
posted by danny the boy at 12:46 PM on December 22, 2013 [11 favorites]

kinnakeet: "I sniffled too, until she got to the part about the spa day, etc. at which point I thought: I hope the guy has plenty of extra cash to carry out her wishes. Just sayin'."

Isn't this one of those make a wish things where the radio station is picking up the tab for the everything?
posted by Mitheral at 12:51 PM on December 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

I guess I'm just cynical, but my first thought was maybe she was trying to hire a hitman to kill his new wife.

We often joke here about that scene in The Cosby Show where Claire tells Cliff he can marry again and then gets mad when he says he will. I think she threatens to haunt him? Hiring a hit man would be another level!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:00 PM on December 22, 2013

I sniffled too, until she got to the part about the spa day, etc. at which point I thought: I hope the guy has plenty of extra cash to carry out her wishes. Just sayin'.

The article is about the grownup equivelent of the Make A Wish Foundation for kids. The radio station provides the wishes.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:00 PM on December 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

damn you preview. Mitheral got there first.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:00 PM on December 22, 2013

It's been four years for me and this still made me feel like I got punched in the gut.

Two years for me and ditto.


Perhaps the worst is wondering what if...
posted by MartinWisse at 1:16 PM on December 22, 2013 [3 favorites]

He was very lucky to meet, within two years, a woman who would undertake a serious relationship with a newly widowed man and young children. It makes me wonder if she didn't have a sense of someone on the horizon-- a mutual friend, perhaps-- who might have been a candidate, and that this was a way of giving them her blessing.
posted by jokeefe at 2:24 PM on December 22, 2013 [2 favorites]

Dead two years, kids got over their grief, husband finally moving on; the perfect time to make it all about me again

Just because someone has gotten over a traumatic event, doesn't mean they never think about it or that the person involved is gone from their memory. Doesn't work like that.

It was about two years before I could feel like the "dark cloud" had started to lift, and that it was okay to be happy again. Went from "cold black" to "dark cloud" to "occasional storm of tears" to "trying to only remember the good times" for me.

There are still certain things (memories, situations, songs, and so forth) that will make me stop in my tracks. There are a couple of local restaurants I can never bring myself to visit again, and some songs that I just can't listen to anymore.

A good friend who I dated for a short period of time had also lost her spouse, and she said that it was "about two years" for her as well, but the most important thing to remember is that there's no checklist, no timetable, no outline for how you're "supposed to" grieve, when you're supposed to recover, and so forth. It's different for each person.

Perhaps the worst is wondering what if...

That, right there, is the worst. It's hard - but don't let it eat at you. It will tear you up inside. If you ever need to vent/rant/talk to someone who's been there, give me a shout.
posted by mrbill at 2:50 PM on December 22, 2013 [21 favorites]

After two years, nobody's forgotten her and I bet nobody's stopped missing her, not even the two-year-old, so the idea that this is some sort of dramatic "remember ME ME ME ME ME!" gesture seems incredibly uncharitable.

I did feel kind of cynical that her request to, essentially, "give his new partner a full-on spa day and pamper the living daylights out of her!" got granted as "and she'll get a massage while you're at DisneyWorld." Of course, they are also picking up the tab for the vacation for 8 and the park passes, but I still feel it's a shame that the part of Brenda's wish for the new wife that was this is for you as an individual got shorted compared to the part that was this is for you as a member of the family.
posted by Lexica at 3:57 PM on December 22, 2013 [1 favorite]

Ha, Lexica! I thought the same thing! One lousy massage? The woman deserves her WEEKEND.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:34 PM on December 22, 2013

I got the impression that Disney World for 8 is probably more money that the sum total of all the wishes that get granted in a normal year. So I'm willing to let it slide.
posted by COD at 6:14 PM on December 22, 2013

Dead two years, kids got over their grief, husband finally moving on; the perfect time to make it all about me again

I'm sure that neither the kids nor the dad will ever forget about her. That's why it's so amazing that she allows the torch to be passed, in a sense. She will always be a part of her family's life, but she just can't do so as a living person. So, she can either hang over the house like a cloud of silence, or she can send her message from the beyond, in which she explicitly tells everyone to be alive and to keep moving and to let this new person into their lives.

Mazel tov, lady.
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:52 PM on December 22, 2013 [6 favorites]

Dead two years, kids got over their grief,

Little kids? Totally over losing their mom in 2 years? Not on your life.

Shit man, my dad has been gone 6 years now and I still started crying last night while wrapping christmas presents--just because I will never get to give him a present again. And I'm in my 30s, for pete's sake.
posted by like_a_friend at 8:25 PM on December 22, 2013 [2 favorites]

Flail away at that straw man, guys; of course my point was that the kids had forgotten their mother.

Try this...

"Congratulations on your fifth wedding anniversary, husband and new wife! This is a special message from your dead wife to say I love you both; I'm always with you and wish you another very special day; here's how I want you to spend it. The reporters should be at the door any time."

Does that work for you? Does that seem like a person of exceptional goodness and spiritual depth? It's a parody of the reality, obviously, but if you see what's wrong with it then you see the other aspect of this I was pointing out.
posted by Segundus at 11:15 PM on December 22, 2013

It's very sad when people die too young, but I should say that most people who do are capable of wishing their spouse and children well after their own death (albeit privately). The notion that doing so is an exceptional moral/spiritual achievement seems to me to imply a rather bleak view of normal human nature.
posted by Segundus at 11:32 PM on December 22, 2013 [2 favorites]

I looked up her obit. And I think it tells a story. She included her stepfather as her family. And, when she describes her sons, one has a different last name than the others and two are stepsons. And she put her sister's fiancé in there too. This, to me, shows that this woman understands blended families and that she understands people can love again...and that, most of all, she must have embraced two boys as her own and that her husband must have done the same for her older son. So perhaps this helped her find it in her heart to love her family - all of them - into the future.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 12:02 AM on December 23, 2013 [6 favorites]

Why is wanting to be remembered fondly a bad thing, Segundus? One's past doesn't negate one's future, particularly when the past is not really gone because it's there with you in the shape of your children.

She was an amazing woman by the sounds of it and it's to be hoped that when the tears were mopped up, and for the rest of their lives, they'll be so proud and happy to think of her, including this wonderful gift she was able to give to them after she'd gone.
posted by h00py at 4:35 AM on December 23, 2013

Segundus, I see what you're getting at. However, distorting her letter into a parody just isn't that revealing. One's fifth anniversary is a categorically different occasion than the moment when one has found somebody new. Even then, I don't know if I could be all that mad about a series of friendly letters from beyond the grave. There are ways to do that without coming off like a whiny ghost.

(Speaking more lightheartedly of ridiculous comparisons, does anybody remember the movie Safe Haven? HOLY SHIT)
posted by Sticherbeast at 4:57 AM on December 23, 2013

anyone talking about how selfish and me, me, me this woman is should read the comments on the linked piece where her brother, and nurses, and others who knew her come to talk about her all around positive and giving approach to her life and death.

also, maybe just go bah humbug somewhere else.
posted by nadawi at 5:47 AM on December 23, 2013 [7 favorites]

Yes, Segundus, it would be weird if the deceased left behind a message to be read on her husband's fifth anniversary to his new wife.

But that's not what this situation is. It's a message wishing him well on the occasion of his engagement to someone new. And honestly, on that instance, and on his new wedding day, the husband is gonna be thinking of his deceased wife no matter what. He may even find himself wondering whether she'd be okay with his being remarried.

And since he's gonna be thinking that, then consider what a blessing it is that his deceased wife found a way to definitively let him know "yes, I'm okay with that" and to bankroll a big outing for his new family so they could create some new memories among themselves.

And another thing - I'm wondering if you remembered that this was a letter written by a woman who was dying of ovarian cancer. I'd be surprised if someone facing death wasn't a little self-absorbed.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:45 PM on December 23, 2013