Cats are {awesome|jerks}
January 9, 2014 9:36 PM Subscribe
Cats are cute, I'm sure we'd all agree. But sometimes, cats are jerks.
Cats are awesome, always.
Or so my mind parasites tell me.
posted by Mezentian at 9:50 PM on January 9, 2014 [7 favorites]
Or so my mind parasites tell me.
posted by Mezentian at 9:50 PM on January 9, 2014 [7 favorites]
those cats are bad cats and should be sent to cat prison
posted by elizardbits at 9:52 PM on January 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 9:52 PM on January 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
those cats are bad cats and should be sent to cat prison
Like you wouldn't lick the butter if they're just going to leave it out in the open like that.
posted by juv3nal at 10:19 PM on January 9, 2014 [14 favorites]
Like you wouldn't lick the butter if they're just going to leave it out in the open like that.
posted by juv3nal at 10:19 PM on January 9, 2014 [14 favorites]
Cat's are very smart. They know what you love most. And when angry may shit/puke/destroy this thing.
posted by el io at 10:20 PM on January 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by el io at 10:20 PM on January 9, 2014 [1 favorite]
These people who have cats who put things in the toilet... They have cats, right? And they leave the lid up on the toilet?
They deserve every item the cat dunks in the toilet.
posted by Ghidorah at 10:28 PM on January 9, 2014 [22 favorites]
They deserve every item the cat dunks in the toilet.
posted by Ghidorah at 10:28 PM on January 9, 2014 [22 favorites]
You Know You've Been Burned By The Internet Enough Times When… you are put off by linkbait headlines that you see in the browser status bar when just hovering over links and then refuse to click them.
Still, I miss our cat, the little rascal :(. Never did destroy anything, really, and spent his nights just fine behind closed doors away from the bedroom.
posted by jklaiho at 10:36 PM on January 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
Still, I miss our cat, the little rascal :(. Never did destroy anything, really, and spent his nights just fine behind closed doors away from the bedroom.
posted by jklaiho at 10:36 PM on January 9, 2014 [3 favorites]
I push objects off shelves while looking my human in the eyes
I have taken to thinking of my cat as a Great Scientist who must periodically conduct experiments to check whether gravity is still working. "Yes, you little monster," I sigh, as I save my belongings from crashing to the floor. "Gravity is still turned on." Gravity, it turns out, is always turned on. I live in hope that one day the cat will finally submit his thesis and I will be able to enjoy the luxury of occasionally leaving an empty tea cup unattended.
posted by embrangled at 10:44 PM on January 9, 2014 [31 favorites]
I have taken to thinking of my cat as a Great Scientist who must periodically conduct experiments to check whether gravity is still working. "Yes, you little monster," I sigh, as I save my belongings from crashing to the floor. "Gravity is still turned on." Gravity, it turns out, is always turned on. I live in hope that one day the cat will finally submit his thesis and I will be able to enjoy the luxury of occasionally leaving an empty tea cup unattended.
posted by embrangled at 10:44 PM on January 9, 2014 [31 favorites]
Still, I miss our cat, the little rascal :(. Never did destroy anything, really, and spent his nights just fine behind closed doors away from the bedroom.
Your cat was the ur-Cat. I don't even have a cat anymore and my neighbours' various cats try to wake me up at 5am for food that I NEVER PROVIDE TO YOU, YOU STUPID MOGGY oh well if you're going to snuggle up to me and purr well maybe I can
toxoplasmosis what are you talking about
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:48 PM on January 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
Your cat was the ur-Cat. I don't even have a cat anymore and my neighbours' various cats try to wake me up at 5am for food that I NEVER PROVIDE TO YOU, YOU STUPID MOGGY oh well if you're going to snuggle up to me and purr well maybe I can
toxoplasmosis what are you talking about
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:48 PM on January 9, 2014 [2 favorites]
toxoplasmosis what are you talking about
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering
Eponysterical.
posted by embrangled at 10:59 PM on January 9, 2014 [18 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering
Eponysterical.
posted by embrangled at 10:59 PM on January 9, 2014 [18 favorites]
My cats are also conducting a grand experiment. All things are being classified into appropriate sets of utility. Food. Food-provider. Food-provider-if-cried-at-enough. Thing to sharpen claws on. Thing to sleep in. Thing to sleep on. Thing to crap on. Thing to stare at longingly out of the window at and chitter at in the belief that it may one day be eaten.
Everything that is not classified and found useful, is to be destroyed. For once destroyed, it may become a thing in a useful category. Gravity is but a tool to test the world of un-useful things to see if they can become useful; and make sure the sleeping surface things do not have their one true purpose besmirched by useless things.
It's amazing what we'll put up with from something that acts cute and sounds pleasant sometimes.
posted by ArkhanJG at 11:18 PM on January 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
Everything that is not classified and found useful, is to be destroyed. For once destroyed, it may become a thing in a useful category. Gravity is but a tool to test the world of un-useful things to see if they can become useful; and make sure the sleeping surface things do not have their one true purpose besmirched by useless things.
It's amazing what we'll put up with from something that acts cute and sounds pleasant sometimes.
posted by ArkhanJG at 11:18 PM on January 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
Mewbacca the Wookiee Cat proves today is a great day for cat cosplay
I am crying. And sad all my cats are DSH.
posted by Mezentian at 11:32 PM on January 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
I am crying. And sad all my cats are DSH.
posted by Mezentian at 11:32 PM on January 9, 2014 [4 favorites]
Also, Chewbarka.
I want this to be a thing. Disney can and probably will make it happen.
posted by Mezentian at 11:39 PM on January 9, 2014
I want this to be a thing. Disney can and probably will make it happen.
posted by Mezentian at 11:39 PM on January 9, 2014
Oh god, the half-dead mouse in the sleeping owner's mouth. The worst thing my old man marmalade cat ever did was puke right at the inside of the front door, so when I came home the act of opening the door would spread cold cat puke all over.
posted by lovecrafty at 12:08 AM on January 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by lovecrafty at 12:08 AM on January 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
One of my roomie's cats, Mall Cop, used to do the humping and staring thing all the time. Turns out that it was a stress release mechanism. He was the Omega Cat, and was constantly tense, so when he got agitated or over stimulated, his release mechanism was angry masturbating with his most favoritest blanket. While staring at us.
We got this behavior to stop 99% of the time purely by accident. There's this glass coffee table in the living room, and the cats figured out that when they go under there, when we're around, we won't try to get them - namely because it's a huge pain in the butt. So now, we call this the 'no no place', and when the cats, particularly Mall Cop, get overstimulated, he just bee lines to there instead. He can watch us and be near us, but he won't be physically handled by us, which can be overwhelming for him. And when he wants the physical loves, he comes out again. And thus, no more creepy masturbating!
Cat 22 probably needs their own no no place.
posted by spinifex23 at 12:31 AM on January 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
We got this behavior to stop 99% of the time purely by accident. There's this glass coffee table in the living room, and the cats figured out that when they go under there, when we're around, we won't try to get them - namely because it's a huge pain in the butt. So now, we call this the 'no no place', and when the cats, particularly Mall Cop, get overstimulated, he just bee lines to there instead. He can watch us and be near us, but he won't be physically handled by us, which can be overwhelming for him. And when he wants the physical loves, he comes out again. And thus, no more creepy masturbating!
Cat 22 probably needs their own no no place.
posted by spinifex23 at 12:31 AM on January 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
Everyone needs their own no no place.
posted by taz at 12:35 AM on January 10, 2014 [17 favorites]
posted by taz at 12:35 AM on January 10, 2014 [17 favorites]
My cats are also conducting a grand experiment. All things are being classified into appropriate sets of utility. Food. Food-provider. Food-provider-if-cried-at-enough. Thing to sharpen claws on. Thing to sleep in. Thing to sleep on. Thing to crap on. Thing to stare at longingly out of the window at and chitter at in the belief that it may one day be eaten.
Your cats are amateurs.
Here is how cats classify things:
- Can I eat it?
- Can I hunt it?
- Can I fuck with it to fuck up the human who serves me?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:52 AM on January 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your cats are amateurs.
Here is how cats classify things:
- Can I eat it?
- Can I hunt it?
- Can I fuck with it to fuck up the human who serves me?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:52 AM on January 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also:
- Can I sleep on it?
(which is inextricably tied to 'Can I fuck with it')
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:11 AM on January 10, 2014
- Can I sleep on it?
(which is inextricably tied to 'Can I fuck with it')
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:11 AM on January 10, 2014
MetaFilter: no more creepy masturbating
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:18 AM on January 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:18 AM on January 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
Cat nr. 24 is hilarious all by its furry little self. I don't even care what s/he did.
posted by Too-Ticky at 4:46 AM on January 10, 2014
posted by Too-Ticky at 4:46 AM on January 10, 2014
"Cat shaming" is an oxymoron of the highest order. Cats have no shame.
"Oh my god, the baby was up there!"
My dear departed Toby LOVED to rampage in the dollhouse like a stripey, fanged Godzilla and stick his snout out the windows and chew on the roof like a cribbing horse.
He also loved to knock Baby Jesus out of the Nativity scene and cram his fat arse into the stable, sweeping Wise Men out of the way with the tsunami of his tail. Little porcelain kid looked like Baby Frankenstein from being glued back together so many times.
those cats are bad cats and should be sent to cat prison
That's why tabby cats are born with striped prison suits already on.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:04 AM on January 10, 2014 [7 favorites]
"Oh my god, the baby was up there!"
My dear departed Toby LOVED to rampage in the dollhouse like a stripey, fanged Godzilla and stick his snout out the windows and chew on the roof like a cribbing horse.
He also loved to knock Baby Jesus out of the Nativity scene and cram his fat arse into the stable, sweeping Wise Men out of the way with the tsunami of his tail. Little porcelain kid looked like Baby Frankenstein from being glued back together so many times.
those cats are bad cats and should be sent to cat prison
That's why tabby cats are born with striped prison suits already on.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:04 AM on January 10, 2014 [7 favorites]
A typical day in my house!
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 7:15 AM on January 10, 2014
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 7:15 AM on January 10, 2014
Yes, these cats aren't exhibiting looks of shame, more like victorious defiance.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:28 AM on January 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:28 AM on January 10, 2014 [4 favorites]
So many of these can be solved in a very don't dado that then way. Don't leave the butter where it can be licked, don't leave the toilet lid up, don't put important papers where your cat can destroy them (surely your 40 page tax return isn't the first pile of paper the cat has ever destroyed), get your cat fixed.
posted by wotsac at 7:37 AM on January 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by wotsac at 7:37 AM on January 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
Forty years ago, my family had an aluminum Christmas tree, and four cats. My brother (with my dad's knowledge and approval) placed sheets of aluminum foil around the tree, connected to one terminal of a 12v battery, with the other terminal connected to the tree. He only did this one year. The next year, and every year after, the cats remembered and avoided the tree.
posted by ogooglebar at 7:39 AM on January 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by ogooglebar at 7:39 AM on January 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
when he got agitated or over stimulated, his release mechanism was angry masturbating with his most favoritest blanket
suddenly so many mefites have learned that they are actually cats
posted by elizardbits at 8:32 AM on January 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
suddenly so many mefites have learned that they are actually cats
posted by elizardbits at 8:32 AM on January 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
Fuck you, cats.
posted by mysticreferee at 8:34 AM on January 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by mysticreferee at 8:34 AM on January 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
Metafilter: release mechanism is angry masturbating
posted by spinifex23 at 8:35 AM on January 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by spinifex23 at 8:35 AM on January 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
Only #30 actually looks contrite.
She's a perfect sociopath.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:50 AM on January 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
She's a perfect sociopath.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:50 AM on January 10, 2014 [2 favorites]
"Oh my god, the baby was up there!"
One of those images is watermarked by a pretty delightful tumblr of cats where they don't belong.
posted by I've a Horse Outside at 9:03 AM on January 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
One of those images is watermarked by a pretty delightful tumblr of cats where they don't belong.
posted by I've a Horse Outside at 9:03 AM on January 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's nice to know my cat, Miles O'Brien, isn't the only shameless blanket-fucker out there.
I'm actually knitting him a blanket right now from scraps of yarn, for the express purpose of giving him something to have sex with. We hope this will satisfy his urges well enough so that he stops prying open closet doors to get at our sweaters.
Seriously, I am knitting my cat a fuck blanket.
This is my life.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:26 AM on January 10, 2014 [24 favorites]
I'm actually knitting him a blanket right now from scraps of yarn, for the express purpose of giving him something to have sex with. We hope this will satisfy his urges well enough so that he stops prying open closet doors to get at our sweaters.
Seriously, I am knitting my cat a fuck blanket.
This is my life.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:26 AM on January 10, 2014 [24 favorites]
It's nice to know my cat, Miles O'Brien, isn't the only shameless blanket-fucker out there.
Seriously, I am knitting my cat a fuck blanket.
Just make sure you give the blanket a couple of ears for him to chew on.
And name it "Keiko."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:28 AM on January 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
Seriously, I am knitting my cat a fuck blanket.
Just make sure you give the blanket a couple of ears for him to chew on.
And name it "Keiko."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:28 AM on January 10, 2014 [5 favorites]
MetaFilter: I am knitting my cat a fuck blanket
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:44 PM on January 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:44 PM on January 10, 2014 [6 favorites]
Another body is yours. Please please let if meet your satisfaction. I don't want to kill anymore.
posted by figurant at 3:01 PM on January 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by figurant at 3:01 PM on January 10, 2014 [3 favorites]
I lived with cat #14 for years. I see she has developed a cunning disguise, as she used to be orange, but I would know that "binge... purge... keep bingeing" behavior anywhere.
posted by sonika at 8:53 PM on January 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by sonika at 8:53 PM on January 10, 2014 [1 favorite]
Oh god, the half-dead mouse in the sleeping owner's mouth.
My friend's cat once dropped a severed mouse head in her tea. While her attention was elsewhere. The discovery was not a pleasant one. :(
For a scaredy-cat with separation anxiety, he's also a pretty fearsome hunter. She is a good provider and he is determined that she know his gratitude.
He also peed on Zarkonnen once, in the middle of the night while Z was asleep.
posted by daisyk at 8:30 AM on January 11, 2014
My friend's cat once dropped a severed mouse head in her tea. While her attention was elsewhere. The discovery was not a pleasant one. :(
For a scaredy-cat with separation anxiety, he's also a pretty fearsome hunter. She is a good provider and he is determined that she know his gratitude.
He also peed on Zarkonnen once, in the middle of the night while Z was asleep.
posted by daisyk at 8:30 AM on January 11, 2014
The offering.
The act.
The aftermath.
Terrible fuck blanket mission accomplished.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:54 AM on January 11, 2014 [7 favorites]
The act.
The aftermath.
Terrible fuck blanket mission accomplished.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:54 AM on January 11, 2014 [7 favorites]
This never happened in that comic you wrote.
posted by Artw at 10:20 AM on January 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Artw at 10:20 AM on January 11, 2014 [1 favorite]
I hope my cats don't think I'm their mommy.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:15 PM on January 11, 2014
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:15 PM on January 11, 2014
Catlateral Damage Should Really Be Called Jerk Cat Simulator 2014
(previously on MeFi)
posted by zombieflanders at 10:09 AM on January 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
(previously on MeFi)
posted by zombieflanders at 10:09 AM on January 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
I hope my cats don't think I'm their mommy.
My cat thinks a faux-fur throw is his mommy and does that kneading-for-milk thing to it for hours.
posted by Artw at 10:55 AM on January 13, 2014
My cat thinks a faux-fur throw is his mommy and does that kneading-for-milk thing to it for hours.
posted by Artw at 10:55 AM on January 13, 2014
OH MY GOD yes good kitteh rescue your little tiny babby from that MONSTROUS MENACE IN PINK
posted by elizardbits at 10:24 PM on January 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 10:24 PM on January 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
Heroic cat via Kevin Church.
That kitty should get a kitty medal.
posted by Artw at 10:58 PM on January 13, 2014
That kitty should get a kitty medal.
posted by Artw at 10:58 PM on January 13, 2014
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