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January 17, 2014 3:18 PM   Subscribe

The Chen Guangbiao Business-Card Generator. Now you can have a card fit for a Chinese billionaire.
posted by moorooka (35 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
Is the title of this a joke like Faith No More's final release, "Album Of The Year"? Or something I am not quite getting?
posted by mediocre at 3:20 PM on January 17, 2014

Nope, it's a joke on Chen Guanbiao's actual business card, which lists him as:

Most Influential Person of China
Most Prominent Philanthropist of China
China Moral Leader
China Earthquake Rescue Hero
Most Well-Known and Beloved Chinese Roll Model
China Top Ten MOst Honorable Volunteer
Most Charismatic Philanthropist of China
China Low Carbon Emission Environmental Protection Top Advocate
China's Foremost Environmental Preservation Demolition Expert

I'd like to see the citations for those claims.
posted by filthy light thief at 3:31 PM on January 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

It's an implausible, self-awarded superlative, much like the 10 things on Cheng Guangbiao's business card.
posted by vogon_poet at 3:32 PM on January 17, 2014

I'm gay and I got "Corporeal Man-cave Spelunker". This is my new email signature. Thank you.
posted by msbutah at 3:33 PM on January 17, 2014 [15 favorites]

Pacesetting Cocktail-Party Name Rememberer

This isn't the first jokey generator thing like this that has made some positive comment with relation to me and remembering names.

I have to be introduced to or ask someone their name like 3 times before i'll remember it. At LEAST. It's a huge annoyance in my life, and one of those things along the lines of being just ever so slightly hard of hearing and having people refuse to repeat things to you that is just an endless thorn in your side.

Why do these always have to remind me :(
posted by emptythought at 3:46 PM on January 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

Most High Tiny Grammatical Error Pointer-Outer

God damn it.
posted by sonic meat machine at 3:49 PM on January 17, 2014

Dignified Visionary

Why, how did it know?
posted by billiebee at 4:03 PM on January 17, 2014

I'd like to see the citations for those claims.

Most Well-Known and Beloved Chinese Roll Model
posted by perhapses at 4:12 PM on January 17, 2014 [4 favorites]

All he really needed on his card was "Billionaire". Maybe "Billionaire Philanthropist" if he wanted to get fancy, but this is a case where less is more.
posted by Soliloquy at 4:31 PM on January 17, 2014

[City's] Foremost Still Living Millennial Scold

Not as far off as I might like to think.
posted by librarylis at 4:50 PM on January 17, 2014

Undefeated Record-Holder Watcher of Breaking Bad

That's really eerie.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 4:51 PM on January 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

I am 99% sure a Persian shah at some point declared himself controller of weather. Once the controls-weather card has been played are the other exaltations removed from the board since nothing can compare, or do they continue to accrue as the weather is mastered in increasingly complex and bizarre ways?
posted by passerby at 4:52 PM on January 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

Toronto's Honorable Mention Man-cave Spelunker

HAH! I'm gay too, so the fact that we both got it...

Most Fragrant Drinker of Frescas

I just got out of the shower and I do like Fresca
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:02 PM on January 17, 2014 [3 favorites]

This sounds like me. I got:

"Distinguished Printer Fixer"
posted by 4ster at 5:10 PM on January 17, 2014

Wait, he's trying to buy the NYT? Isn't that a significant story in its own right, perhaps?
posted by clockzero at 5:17 PM on January 17, 2014

Most Revered Coffee Enthusiast of London
Medal-winning NSA Subjunctive Clause Analyst
Esteemed Human Search Engine

Yes. YES.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 5:19 PM on January 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

Best business card ever IV
posted by FrauMaschine at 5:23 PM on January 17, 2014 [7 favorites]

So I got "Penultimate Cocktail-Party Name Rememberer." I guess being the second-best something in the world is o.k., but it doesn't seem quite in the spirit of the original card.
posted by yoink at 5:30 PM on January 17, 2014

Most Aerodynamic Champion
Indefatigable Meme Tracker
Most Dutiful Abandoned Hotel Caretaker
Thoughtful Town Crier
Chicago's Senior-Most Tsunami Swashbuckler

Pretty close.
posted by a halcyon day at 5:44 PM on January 17, 2014

Oh FrauMaschine, that is just spectactular. Thank you.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:45 PM on January 17, 2014

> Best business card ever I
> Best business card ever II
> Best business card ever III

II wins because mules.
Can't do half the things worth doing without a good mule.
posted by morganw at 5:46 PM on January 17, 2014

Saint Louis's Top Deliberative Snow Removal Engineer

Okay, how did this thing know the new snow shovel I ordered from Home Depot just arrived a couple hours ago?
posted by Foosnark at 7:51 PM on January 17, 2014

Boston's Most Beloved Twerker

Say, that IS eerie...
posted by Sublimity at 8:12 PM on January 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

I put my company down as Metafilter, and got some interesting titles:

Unchallenged Garbage Collector of Metafilter
Greatest Garbage-Taker-Outer

These go together well. In fact, I think they really bring the card together.

Thoughtful Millennial Scold

Not even sure what that means.

Calgary's Least Terrible Spiritual Exemplar

That just seems a really, really sad statement about my city.

Most Veteran Bed Bug Worrier of Metafilter

Coming soon as a sockpupper near you!

Foremost Drinker

Look, some of the wine usually makes it into the pan/pot with whatever is cooking, ok?

Most Flamboyant Dog Outsmarter

Well, if you're going to outsmart a dog, you might as well do it with flair!
posted by nubs at 8:37 PM on January 17, 2014 [3 favorites]

I got Trustiest Irregularly-Shaped-Item Gift Wrapper which is utterly insane because I am known throughout my office as being that person who will perfectly gift wrap anything and everything just because I can. HOW DOES IT KNOW?????
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:10 PM on January 17, 2014 [3 favorites]

I listed MetaFilter as my reference for this one: "93rd Percentile Advocate of Peoria"

So if anybody calls, you guys, make sure to tell them I'm doing 93rd percentile level advocacy! Ninety-third!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:46 PM on January 17, 2014 [1 favorite]

No. 1 Master Twerker

Devilishly Handsome Herve Villechaize Impersonator


To quote Lt. Uhura, "Sorry, neither."
posted by bryon at 12:31 AM on January 18, 2014

Least Terrible Fearless Leader of Toronto

That's it, I'm running for mayor.
posted by Lemurrhea at 6:14 AM on January 18, 2014 [4 favorites]

I had business cards printed up with just my name and the job title "Scientist".

That was back in the days when I was in academics and had full knowledge that my job prospects were basically nil. Aside from the complete lack of meaningful income, those were the days.
posted by mcstayinskool at 6:17 AM on January 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

Senior-Most Cocktail-Party Name Rememberer

Not sure if that means I'm the best cocktail party name rememberer or just the oldest cocktail party name rememberer. Probably the latter.
posted by maurice at 7:06 AM on January 18, 2014

Foremost Ethics Shepherd
Most Revered Autodidact
Most Force-sensitive Rainbow Loomist
Unanimously Agreed-Upon Doge Purveyor
Internet Award-Winning Filmgoer
Most Aerodynamic Cosmic Lord
Trustiest Visionary
Most Genuine Mohel
Most High Pinterest Ninja of Orlando
Hypnotizing Professional

How did they know? How the hell did they know?
posted by Splunge at 7:28 AM on January 18, 2014

So I ran my wife through this and got some further gems:

Most Pious Lawn Whisperer
Most Flamboyant Space Alien Debate Moderator
Calgary's Thoughtful Spiritual Exemplar
Calgary Five Best Abandoned Hotel Caretaker
Transparent Sublime Commander

I was very impressed so I asked her what she was doing tonight. She told me she had to go take care of an abandoned hotel.
posted by nubs at 9:21 AM on January 18, 2014

A friend got Three-Time Runner-Up Space Alien Debate Moderator of Whitby

I have questions. Is this a debate with a space alien, or a debate about space aliens? Or I suppose a debate down in the style of space aliens, where one is also judged for the fake language/costume?

Also, what the hell kind of competition has awards given out for the moderators?
posted by Lemurrhea at 9:32 AM on January 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

Top 32 Internet Provocateur

Must. Try. Harder.
posted by misha at 11:03 AM on January 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

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