#22: Never count to ∞ where you will die.

March 30, 2014 3:43 PM

45 Safety Rules written and illustrated by an eight-year-old.
posted by Snarl Furillo (55 comments total)

I'm posting these at work. I'm sick and tired of people using my damn wand.
posted by wats at 3:55 PM on March 30, 2014 [8 favorites]

Metafilter: #42: Watch out for death.
posted by ShawnString at 3:55 PM on March 30, 2014 [6 favorites]

I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took your dey's on my hot glord.
posted by Rock Steady at 3:55 PM on March 30, 2014 [28 favorites]

Oh my goodness gosh these are wonderful. More than anything they remind me of these.
posted by charismatic megafauna at 3:55 PM on March 30, 2014 [4 favorites]

Watch out for snakes!

(they will hypnotize you)
posted by Rev. Syung Myung Me at 3:56 PM on March 30, 2014

#45: Watch out for the haunted pants of magic.


If only I had known this earlier on in life.
posted by chavenet at 3:58 PM on March 30, 2014 [25 favorites]

I wish I'd read this before I got sqasht :(
posted by YourFace at 4:01 PM on March 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

#26: Obey all trafic sines

Now this kid is just going off on a tangent.
posted by dr_dank at 4:03 PM on March 30, 2014 [33 favorites]

Those drawings are honestly awesome. I love the kites and electric wires one! And the wave!
posted by winna at 4:05 PM on March 30, 2014

Since the kid's name is Noah, it's kind of fun to imagine Russell Crowe bellowing these out as the 45 rules of the Ark. "NEVER STAND ON A HOLE." "YOU MUST NOTE IF ENYTHING IS GOING TO SPLAT YOU."
posted by Beardman at 4:06 PM on March 30, 2014 [23 favorites]

For me, it's the combination of actual good advice juxtaposed with kid-fantasy juxtaposed with vaguely ominous possible threats that makes this high art. Wear your seatbelt + watch out for the mean Rugrat and Voldemort + "never get caught by me." Solid gold.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 4:13 PM on March 30, 2014 [6 favorites]

Steve Brule had good advice even as a child. Don't put something in your eye, ya dingus.
posted by kittensofthenight at 4:15 PM on March 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

I found the Watch Out For Me hidden in there with all the squishing and the hypmotising a little creepy.
posted by fshgrl at 4:19 PM on March 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

#42: Watch out for death.

This kid needs to read Douglas Adams.
posted by arcticseal at 4:22 PM on March 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

The boy's sound.
posted by Diablevert at 4:22 PM on March 30, 2014

#30: Keep your dey's on my hot glord.

Oh, sure, NOW you tell me.
posted by briank at 4:29 PM on March 30, 2014 [7 favorites]

Imagine a video game where these are the tips that pop up on the loading screen.
posted by neckro23 at 4:30 PM on March 30, 2014 [6 favorites]

It was funny until I got to "never go near me," and then ice filled my veins.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 4:36 PM on March 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

Thanks for an amusing post!
posted by Philosofer123 at 4:38 PM on March 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Imagine a video game where these are the tips that pop up on the loading screen.

I was thinking something along these lines. I want to play the game where all of these are vital tips to beating it.
posted by curious nu at 4:41 PM on March 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'm trying to figure out what "keep your dey's on my hot glord" means, but I'm stuck. The picture looks like a concert where someone is demonstrating a Shake Weight onstage, but the audience is turned around and possibly asleep. My best guess is that they're all hipmotized after taking their dey's off that guy's hot glord.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:02 PM on March 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

I think I would break my streak and buy the hot glord DLC. Just to know.
posted by No-sword at 5:02 PM on March 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Amusing and heartwarming. Thanks for sharing it.

#7: Don't put something in your eye.

Never put salt in your eyes. Put salt in your eyes. Always put salt in your eyes.
posted by context adventure at 5:04 PM on March 30, 2014 [6 favorites]

I'm pretty certain the illustration for "Keep your dey's on my hot glord" is from Officer Buckle and Gloria, but I can't find our copy to get the exact picture. So's the crash helmet.
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:09 PM on March 30, 2014 [4 favorites]

Everyone is reading this wrong. It says "keep your dey's on my *not* glord."
Do please try to keep up.
posted by uosuaq at 5:50 PM on March 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

I swear I looked at the FPP text multiple times and read it as "an eighty-year-old" each time. You can understand my confusion.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 5:57 PM on March 30, 2014

If the picture is from a book called Officer Buckle and Gloria, like uosuaq said, then I think it says "Keep your eyes on my hot Gloria." I don't know what that means though.
posted by artychoke at 6:05 PM on March 30, 2014

Or "Keep your eyes on my knot, Gloria." Now I have to find a copy of that book to read.
posted by artychoke at 6:07 PM on March 30, 2014

If you count to infinity-plus-one fast enough, you're OK, however
posted by thelonius at 6:09 PM on March 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Let the mystery be, people. Let the mystery be.
posted by mudpuppie at 6:11 PM on March 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Here are mine:

1. Never use your hand to find a leak in a hydraulic fluid line. The fluid shooting out of a pinhole in a pressurized line can be injected through your skin forcefully, causing immediate and irreparable damage possibly necessitating amputation of your entire arm.

2. Stay away from ultraviolet LEDs. The ultraviolet light is invisible, so you cannot see whether they are turned on or not. If they are turned on and you look at them they can blind you.

3. Never stand near a rope or chain that is under excessive tension. If it snaps it can cause severe gashes or even decapitation.

4. Compartment Syndrome. Previously.

5. Be careful when inflating your tires. Overfilling a tire can cause it to explode and possibly kill a person squatting next to it.
posted by pickles_have_souls at 6:13 PM on March 30, 2014 [4 favorites]

Let the mystery be, people. Let the mystery be.

But the whole reason I opened this thread was to see if somebody managed to decipher that…
posted by reprise the theme song and roll the credits at 6:14 PM on March 30, 2014 [4 favorites]

I must email these to my friends in danger of hipmotis.
posted by BlueHorse at 6:26 PM on March 30, 2014

Here are mine:

I'm frankly surprised this kid doesn't talk more about fluid dynamics and necessary amputation.
posted by shakespeherian at 6:29 PM on March 30, 2014 [7 favorites]

So it's probably eight-year-old for "Keep your eyes on my dog Gloria" then, right? I'm oddly not as disappointed in that explanation as I thought I would be.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 6:39 PM on March 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

He's right about the purple potty. It's a pisser.
posted by Mchelly at 6:47 PM on March 30, 2014

#12: Never go near guns or you'll get shot.

HES TRYIN 2 TAEK OUR GURNS

SERCEND AMERNDMERT
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:25 PM on March 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

#30 "Keep your eyes on me, not Gloria." From the book. The officer is giving safety tips and all the kids just watch the dog Gloria. It helps to be a 1st grade teacher to translate!
posted by Cloudberry Sky at 7:32 PM on March 30, 2014 [31 favorites]

Hey, this is from Amalah's blog, I read this yesterday! She is really funny herself, even when she's not posting her kid's stuff. I thought her Deodorant Wars were a hoot, I'm sure there are even better examples.
posted by onlyconnect at 7:54 PM on March 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

Omg Cloudberry Sky solved it!!!
posted by onlyconnect at 7:57 PM on March 30, 2014

I went in the purple potty and DIDN'T WATCH OUT FOR DAMAGE OR DEATH.

Hot Glord, indeed.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 8:37 PM on March 30, 2014

The warning that getting too near a snake will allow it to hypnotize you makes me suspect that this is a child who's been exposed to the old 1970's animated adaptation of "Riki Tiki Tavi". Which I remember being good, although I was seven at the time and had low standards.

Either that or the Walt Disney animal based "Robin Hood", which had a hypnotherapist snake advisor to the Crown. Lotsa hypnotizin' cartoon snakes back in the day.
posted by Ipsifendus at 8:55 PM on March 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

46. Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
47. Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
posted by blue_beetle at 9:18 PM on March 30, 2014 [7 favorites]

Never get cook't by a mickerwave.

My next tattoo, kinda really definitely not totally kidding.
posted by Divine_Wino at 9:19 PM on March 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

Who knows Tom Waits and can get him to sing these?
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:01 PM on March 30, 2014 [6 favorites]

This is like some lost Wesley Willis song.

Never have a car crash when a dog is inside.
Never spin on a spinning thing where you will fall.
Never go near guns or you'll get shot.
Watch out for the haunted pants of magic.

SAAAAFETY RUUUULES
SAAAAFETY RUUUULES
SAAAAFETY RUUUULES
SAAAAFETY RUUUULES

Rock over London, rock on Chicago.
I'm thinkin' Arby's.
posted by MrBadExample at 10:25 PM on March 30, 2014 [19 favorites]

#36: If you go to the Rugrats' house you'll have to watch out for the mean one.

I did not know this. Thank you, Noah.
posted by Room 641-A at 10:56 PM on March 30, 2014

I swear I looked at the FPP text multiple times and read it as "an eighty-year-old" each time. You can understand my confusion.

This would just be a list of actual ailments. How depressing would that be.


1: Arteriosclerosis
2: Renal failure
3: Diabeetus
4: Having fallen and being unable to get up
5: Loneliness because children and grandchildren no longer visit
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 12:04 AM on March 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

#45: Watch out for the haunted pants of magic.

So wise (and even funnier in the UK where "pants" means "underpants").

Thanks for the post, these are genius! It's Monday morning and I literally cried with laughter at a couple of them. Am going back to work now, taking care to be aware of thumtacs, mickerwaves and tilting chares.
posted by billiebee at 3:12 AM on March 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

I had a Rule Book too, probably from ages 4 to 6. I think it was more cutesy than Noah's, because I knew my parents thought it was super super adorable and I had play up the silliness to bring maximum laffs. Noah, on the other hand, is just trying to give practical advice for the modern age.
posted by Pizzarina Sbarro at 3:46 AM on March 31, 2014

Lotsa hypnotizin' cartoon snakes back in the day.

Not even so far back. Jafar uses his snake staff in Aladdin to hypnotize the king.
posted by solotoro at 4:56 AM on March 31, 2014

There are also hypnotizing snakes in Ninjago. Really just don't trust snakes, they're poisonous hypnotists.
posted by pseudodionysus at 5:20 AM on March 31, 2014

And there's Kaa in the Jungle Book.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:55 AM on March 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

Poor kid, I hope he doesn't keep himself up at night worrying about getting chomp't up by a dinosar. For me, that kind of cuteness was just a harbinger of worse anxieties to come...
posted by epanalepsis at 8:22 AM on March 31, 2014

AND YOU DON'T MESS AROUND WITH JIM.
posted by davros42 at 3:54 PM on March 31, 2014 [3 favorites]