I write for SkyMall
April 13, 2014 9:10 AM   Subscribe

 
This is funny. Even so, SkyMall is funny enough on its own.
posted by chavenet at 9:16 AM on April 13, 2014 [3 favorites]


It has always been my fear that I will some day create a product that is only sold in SkyMall. Knowing that the copywriters cringe as much as I do about some of this stuff actually makes me feel a bit better.
posted by olinerd at 9:24 AM on April 13, 2014 [5 favorites]


Skymall recently merged with a suspicious, instantly created weight loss company Xhibit. The parent company, Najafi Companies, recently invested $75 million in Paula Dean's brand.

I'm not sure what to make of it all, but it looks like what goes on at the corporate level pretty much matches what is presented to us in the magazine.
posted by eye of newt at 9:33 AM on April 13, 2014 [3 favorites]


That "hiccup stick" (For 20 dollars, I will sell you three eight-inch sticks) is very reminiscent of that Monty Python stringette sketch.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:36 AM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


World’s Ugliest Shirt

Haha! The model wearing it looks utterly devastated, like he's wondering where it all went wrong.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 9:42 AM on April 13, 2014 [9 favorites]


The cat box/sideboard combo doesn't seem that outrageous.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:49 AM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


Because these shirts are a piece of art, the color and pattern is not revealed until the package is opened.

is it bad that I secretly want this
posted by threeants at 9:56 AM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


How could they not get Malcolm-Jamal Warner to model that shirt?
posted by sourwookie at 10:02 AM on April 13, 2014 [10 favorites]


I would buy that shirt, because I -><- chaos, but not for $99.
posted by The otter lady at 10:14 AM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


Skymall merges with a sketchy company and immediately pumps money into a failed TV chef. I feel like this is the plot of a lesser Dan Brown airport thriller...
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 10:16 AM on April 13, 2014 [4 favorites]


How could they not get Malcolm-Jamal Warner to model that shirt?

I am 99% certain that is how most of his costume choices on TCS were made.

plot of a lesser Dan Brown airport thriller

Lesser??????? How do you get worse than the worst thing ever?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:19 AM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


Has anyone bought anything from Skymall or even known anyone who has?
posted by octothorpe at 10:23 AM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


Every time I flip through a SkyMall and see something I actually like, a part of my soul dies.

Also, that monkey is creepy in a way I can't quite explain.
posted by dotgirl at 10:23 AM on April 13, 2014


uncanny monkey
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:25 AM on April 13, 2014 [3 favorites]


Every time I look through Skymall, I try to decide the price I'm willing to pay for irony.
posted by dismas at 10:26 AM on April 13, 2014 [7 favorites]


I bought a metal mattress platform from them once. It deformed within a month. Never again.

(I would like to add that I was in my early 20s, inexperienced with any sort of furniture purchase, found the item through a web search--NOT while sitting on an airplane--and I stupidly believed the good reviews on the Sky Mall site. It was, shall we say, a learning experience.)
posted by ocherdraco at 10:30 AM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


My personal equivalent of "fuck you money" is "Skymall money". Like how much money would I have to have to feel totally okay about buying a $250 fake rock that covers up a lawn sprinkler.
posted by threeants at 10:34 AM on April 13, 2014 [11 favorites]


You guys don't get it. You have to buy everything at the same time.

If you need a giant wine glass, then of course you need a hiccup stick, a decal for your windshield to keep your rental car in your lane after you land, an ugly shirt to start conversations at your new destination, and at this point, fuck it, a stone to remind yourself between shots of airport tequila that somebody who is probably a figment of your imagination still loves you, and a porcelain monkey with a "what's going on in my life? I'm confused" look on it's face to welcome you back to your underwater condo once or twice a year?

It's the only way it makes any sense.
posted by phaedon at 10:35 AM on April 13, 2014 [11 favorites]


Every time I look though Skymall, I remember the Where is Mommy Map? from the Penny Arcade comic about Skymall and giggle uncontrollably.
posted by barchan at 10:36 AM on April 13, 2014 [2 favorites]




how do i block my visa?? i dont trust myself halp
posted by Foci for Analysis at 10:56 AM on April 13, 2014 [2 favorites]


Jonathan Coulton, "SkyMall"
Something Awful, SkyMall Product Reviews
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:57 AM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


Oh man, torso toner dude is going to murder everyone involved in that photo shoot. Just look at his eyes and tell me he isn't seconds away from a five state murder spree.
posted by aspo at 11:17 AM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


I'm a torso!
posted by Sys Rq at 11:30 AM on April 13, 2014


What sounds like a more fun job - writing for Sky Mall, or naming paint chips?

I would be AMAZING at naming paint chips.
posted by nathancaswell at 11:34 AM on April 13, 2014 [5 favorites]


"So if you’re the kind of driver that needs a helpful reminder of which way is forward..."
So that's the target audience.
posted by MtDewd at 11:53 AM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


Skymall's primary purpose is to titillate you with visions of the life you would be living, if you had 3x as much money but 1/2 as much taste. It has a stupefying effect, which is useful for a plane full of irritated, price-gouged, cramped passengers.

Personally, I have always found the Harriet Carter catalog a much better read.
posted by emjaybee at 12:00 PM on April 13, 2014 [5 favorites]


I was totally unaware Harriet Carter had a website. That catalogue was amaaaaazing when I was kid.

And it hasn't changed.
posted by Katemonkey at 12:17 PM on April 13, 2014 [4 favorites]


The thing that made me decide that Heidi Klum is awesome is that she gave an interview where she talked about how she can't stop herself from reading SkyMall and wanting all the things in it. And that sometimes she buys things on long flights and then always regrets it. And I was like, "Stars! They're just like us!"

I loooooooooove SkyMall and I'm secretly convinced, in my heart of hearts, that I am ONE WEIRD GADGET away from having a perfectly organized, smoothly-functioning life.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:22 PM on April 13, 2014 [7 favorites]


And I gotta say that the high-reach cleaning kit would have been a lifesaver for me when I was living in my beat-up New Orleans apartment with high-as-hell ceilings and flying cockroaches that always went right up where I couldn't hit them.

It would've been so much easier than jumping up and down with a broom.
posted by Katemonkey at 12:31 PM on April 13, 2014


what the fuck. holy
posted by phaedon at 12:40 PM on April 13, 2014 [4 favorites]


phaedon:

Winking body bag: for communicating to other people your secret conviction that you are a spawn of Shub-Niggurath by placing a large, freaky, winking eye on your person.

Inflatable movie screen: I think this is actually interesting, which I think is the whole point to SkyMall, it doesn't matter how many peoplehink each item is ridiculous so long as one ludicrously wealthy person thinks it's a deal. Alas, I am not ludicrously wealthy. Sorry SkyMall!

Remote control pillow: This created unbidden in my mind a comic strip about a guy who just wants to take a nap on the couch, but every time his weary head touches the pillow the TV blares to life and instantly switches to the Extremely Loud Network, currently showing their most popular program Diagnosing Plumbing Problems By Sound Alone.

As for the last one --

Metafilter: Remote-Controlled Inflatable Air Fish Balloon
posted by JHarris at 1:11 PM on April 13, 2014 [2 favorites]


I have some thoughts on "The Alcoholic's Wine Glass."

(a) Okay, so clearly this is where Jules on Cougar Town keeps getting all of her glasses.

(b) Once upon a time, I had a roommate who had an object that she called "The Chico Shot Glass." She had to move across the country and obviously couldn't bring it with her, so I have kept it all of these years. But really, the CSG trumps every Big Glass I have ever seen IRL. It's about 8.5 inches up and down and side to side.

Obviously, I haven't been able to figure out what else to do with it besides keep my marbles in it, and also because I can get whoohoo drunk in a mere few minutes and using the CSG would kill me.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:04 PM on April 13, 2014


holy

OK, world, you can stop inventing things, now. The perfect thing has now been invented.
posted by dirigibleman at 2:07 PM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


I love Skymall, or as I think it should be re-branded, "Yes, People Actually Buy This Stuff."
posted by zardoz at 2:26 PM on April 13, 2014


The best thing about SkyMall descriptions is everything is preceded by "the" to give the impression that it is something you've heard of before. The oft imitated, never duplicated. Like you read it and automagically think "oh shit, THIS is the giant inflatable remote controlled flying shark I've been hearing so much about."
posted by nathancaswell at 2:29 PM on April 13, 2014 [9 favorites]


I want that giant eyeball bag. But it's not giant enough.
posted by lovecrafty at 2:41 PM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


phaedon: "what the fuck. holy"

The inflatable movie screen actually seems pretty neat. Our neighborhood does outdoor movies sometimes in the summer and right now our screen is a white sheet draped down the wall of the house next to the open lot where we show them. They'd look better with a real screen.
posted by octothorpe at 2:42 PM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


It probably would be do-able to get one of those wacky, shit-my-dad-says, book deals by living in a home furnished only from Skymall, and blogging about it.
posted by thelonius at 3:17 PM on April 13, 2014


This must be a person whose optimism is outmatched only by their sheer volume. I see them clutching a seat-back copy of SkyMall, their girth enveloping a full 3 consecutive airline seats, and wistfully thinking: “I’ve finally found it.”

The slimming shirt is the first one I read, and I found the fat jokes mean and kinda cheap. Hope the rest is better.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:21 PM on April 13, 2014 [2 favorites]


Has anyone bought anything from Skymall or even known anyone who has?

I think I knew someone who bought an expanding side table from there. It fell apart pretty much instantly.

I've bought something off the Air France inflight catalogue. It was a watch. I'm wearing it now.

It's a nice watch.
posted by The Whelk at 3:47 PM on April 13, 2014


well, everyone knows that CENTRE COMMERCIEL DU CIEL holds itself to a higher standard.
posted by threeants at 4:18 PM on April 13, 2014 [2 favorites]


BRB, inventing robot that opens a bottle of wine, pours the whole thing into a huge glass and then drinks it for you and then falls over drunk and hiccuping for a long nap on a remote controlled pillow.
posted by loquacious at 4:20 PM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


Sounds like something Bender would do.
posted by JHarris at 5:06 PM on April 13, 2014


Sounds like something I would do.
posted by stet at 5:15 PM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


I'm too lazy to do that, so I'll invent a robot that will invent that other robot for me instead.
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:18 PM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


I will take this opportunity to mention the Cyberpunk Skymall I made. Real SkyMall products, spiced up with a dash of Neuromancer.
posted by 23 at 6:26 PM on April 13, 2014 [3 favorites]


The only problem that I have with SkyMall is the prices. I live in the woods and would love to have a life-sized Bigfoot to have peering out from behind a tree. I would even move it from time to time to keep visitors on their toes. But not for $2000 and change. And Bigfoot and yeti are not the same. I would also wear the one of a kind shirt, even though I eschew collars whenever possible in favor of t shirts that have been washed a few dozen times. But once again, not for $99.
posted by TedW at 6:51 PM on April 13, 2014


Confession time. I own one of those winking bags. It's cool, actually. Got it at an art museum. I've met some interesting and witty folks as a result. Also, I gave a remote-controlled floating shark to a friend for her birthday. It was hands-down the hit of the party, creating much hilarity and affording the recipient continued amusement for weeks. Got it at a grocery store for twenty bucks.

Sometimes one person's WTF is another person's OMG.
posted by kinnakeet at 7:57 PM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


Sky Mall Kitties
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 8:44 PM on April 13, 2014 [1 favorite]


My current favourite SkyMall item is the unfortunately named GuitDoorbell.
posted by yellowbinder at 12:18 AM on April 14, 2014 [1 favorite]


Is the awesomeness of an indoor-sized remote-control shark dirigible even in question?

The only cooler thing possible would be a life-sized remote-control shark dirigible.
posted by Dr Dracator at 12:58 AM on April 14, 2014


That remote control shark really needs a laser pointer taped to its head.
posted by ryanrs at 1:55 AM on April 14, 2014 [1 favorite]


I teach high school level "Math for Kids Who Hate Math" and I let the kids decide on a few rewards for working consistently.

Always on the list:

Jolly Ranchers
Class fish
Donuts
Math Jeopardy...

and having to pretend-buy one item from every page from the Skymall catalog.

These kids will bust their asses through geometry if they can look at that crap.

I draw no deductions from this other than much like catz, kidz be weird.
posted by kinetic at 3:57 AM on April 14, 2014 [3 favorites]


It's the only way it makes any sense.

But what about the cabinet full of catcrap?
posted by radwolf76 at 1:35 PM on April 14, 2014


You know what I noticed about sky mall? An inordinate amount of descriptions start with "This is the X that does Y", which is a weird linguistic salesman trick to imply that any X you've heard about that does Y, is really talking about this one. "Oh you know how you keep hearing about a stereo that you can plug your iPhone into? It was this one. And it's right here."

Obviously they KNOW they're preying on the half-informed. Their descriptions have such breathless tones, and for some reason, it dries me absolutely insane to read it. I get so angry.
posted by Brainy at 2:33 PM on April 14, 2014


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