Who knew Beeftank was a two sport athlete?

May 2, 2014 7:04 AM

The Return of Beeftank Football legend Clarence Beeftank gives basketball a try.
posted by drezdn (38 comments total)

Oh, so we're going to make an FPP whenever Jon Bois posts anything?

Because that would be fine by me!

I know I already used this joke, call the cops I don't give a fuck
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:06 AM on May 2, 2014 [18 favorites]

I have to admit that when I saw this I found the final video genuinely moving.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:07 AM on May 2, 2014

Yeah, me too.

Also, the last video ran almost in its entirety, and then in its final seconds it crashed Firefox for me. It seemed...appropriate.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:17 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

This post isn't about Captain Beefheart then?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 7:18 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

Ahem. Mi mi mi mi mi, so, fa, laaa....


BEEFTAAAAAAAAANK!!!

I sing of the coming, as a unbidden guest to the NBA's feast, of the spirit of Beeftank, the wrath of Beeftank, for he is mighty in all things...
posted by Diablevert at 7:18 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

I just noticed that was my 2,000th comment on the blue, and I couldn't be more pleased.
posted by Diablevert at 7:21 AM on May 2, 2014 [8 favorites]

Okay, so now I just want one of the mods to use [buys 4,600 joists] in a thread somewhere.
posted by Etrigan at 7:25 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

Please, it's Clarence BEEFTANK.

He didn't study poetry at DeVry to be called "Beeftank."
posted by Foosnark at 7:27 AM on May 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

Can't have BEEFTANK without BEEF.
posted by eriko at 7:52 AM on May 2, 2014

But can he bunt?
posted by blue_beetle at 7:55 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

I want to play BEEFTANK in a Mage campaign.
posted by jason_steakums at 7:57 AM on May 2, 2014 [4 favorites]

Despite being one of those obnoxious "what is a sportsball?" types, and despite how I haven't really played a sports video game since Tecmo Bowl, I nevertheless want to see BEEFTANK play all the sportsballs in all the videogames. I want to see him play hockey, since it seems like the sport he's most suited for. I want to see him play soccer, because, good lord, that'd be funny. If there's a jai alai video game, I want to see him in it. Has anyone written a kabbadi game? Because BEEFTANK needs to play kabbadi.

tl;dr: BEEFTANK!!!
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 8:00 AM on May 2, 2014 [7 favorites]

I want to see him play hockey, since it seems like the sport he's most suited for.

I feel like there already is a BEEFTANK in the NHL, he goes by John Scott.
posted by troika at 8:06 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

well, a physical BEEFTANK with all the playing ability stats on the lowest possible setting.
posted by troika at 8:07 AM on May 2, 2014

Just popping in to say that I totally parsed the headline as "Who knew BEEFSTANK was a two sport athlete."
posted by Kitteh at 8:20 AM on May 2, 2014

You Can't Tip a Buick: "Has anyone written a kabbadi game? Because BEEFTANK needs to play kabbadi. "

We have an expert to ask.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:26 AM on May 2, 2014

Beat PunchBeef.
Lump BeefBroth.
Roll Fizzlebeef.
Bob Johnson. (no, wait..)
posted by entropicamericana at 8:39 AM on May 2, 2014 [4 favorites]

I hate to admit this, but... I'm pretty sure BEEFTANK could tip a Buick.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 8:43 AM on May 2, 2014 [7 favorites]

I laughed so hard I cried and milks came out of my nose.
posted by codacorolla at 8:52 AM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]

The presentation may make you think that BEEFTANK is somehow not real, but don't believe that for a hot second. Jon Bois speaks only truth.
posted by Copronymus at 9:29 AM on May 2, 2014 [4 favorites]

This other Jon Bois article could probably have been called "Cookings With BEEFTANK"
posted by Rock Steady at 9:40 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: The rules of nature would remain, but the laws of man would be disposed of altogether.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:47 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

I have to admire a video game, which recreates a physical game that has a specific set of rules, that allows the player to disable those rules at will. And one at a time! Good work, programmers, this is neat.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:48 AM on May 2, 2014

Many times in the past I've said it's wrong to think to say that "Metafilter" thinks or believes something. But there is a very small list of things that Metafilter, as a body, seems to love without reservation, in that a post on it always seems to be greeted positively, and I think it's time to add Jon Bois to it. (Other things on the list: Allie Brosh, Kate Beaton, Fred Rogers, Roger Ebert.)

Poor Mike Conley. He just wants the ball.
posted by JHarris at 9:58 AM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

I like the Tim McGraw original used in the final video, but there's a good a Bonnie Prince Billy version of "Just To See You Smile" as well.

(One which, to me anyway, really highlights what a passive-aggressive Nice Guy creep the narrator is, though it's possible I'm just reading that into it thanks to Oldham's other work.)
posted by Ian A.T. at 10:05 AM on May 2, 2014

I like the Tim McGraw original used in the final video, but there's a good a Bonnie Prince Billy version of "Just To See You Smile" as well.

Huh. I think of the original as such a product of the maudlin goop of 90s country music* that I was raised on and still love so much no matter what I tell people when I'm sober. It's odd to hear it outside that context.

*I mean it's no "Don't Take the Girl," but that's really a singular moment of terrible, awful brilliance.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:15 AM on May 2, 2014

This was the best way to start the day.
posted by Joey Michaels at 10:20 AM on May 2, 2014

Rock Steady's cooking article link is fantastic. And, huh, I just learned that Jon Bois is a fellow Louisvillian. He's exactly the kind of writer that makes me wish I was into sports.
posted by jbickers at 10:25 AM on May 2, 2014

I'm going to sit down and enjoy this with a nice glass of milks.
posted by A dead Quaker at 10:29 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

Another Jon Bois bit of genius is "Supperjumpin'" an attempt to invent the world's saddest sport.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:29 AM on May 2, 2014

Is there a Game of Thrones fighting game? I want to see BEEFTANK pitted against the Mountain That Rides.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:19 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

Q: Who wins in a fight between BEEFTANK and The Mountain?
A: Clipping errors.
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 11:25 AM on May 2, 2014 [7 favorites]

and I think it's time to add Jon Bois to it. (Other things on the list: Allie Brosh, Kate Beaton, Fred Rogers, Roger Ebert.)

Agreed. Can we add Mallory Ortberg?
posted by mudpuppie at 11:34 AM on May 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

mudpuppie: "Agreed. Can we add Mallory Ortberg?"

Team Jollory
posted by Rock Steady at 1:43 PM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

Yay, BEEFTANK plays for the Grizz!
posted by absalom at 1:48 PM on May 2, 2014

I think the appeal to Jon Bois is his humor is 100% harmless. He doesn't make fun of anyone because his subject matter is taking a a video game and TRYING to break it. I recall one of his articles h apologizes to the creators of the game saying something along the lines of 'they make a damn fine game, its my job to break it.'

He doesn't disparage anyone other than animated pixels.

The closest I can see to him downing anyone is discussing teams, but even then, he points out the good things about the players.

He is an immensely funny writer, who rarely (if ever) punches down. His subject matter being a computer program is very helpful to this end.
posted by Twain Device at 2:37 PM on May 2, 2014 [5 favorites]

Yes, agreed - what I love most about Beeftank is his sweetness. You can tell that Bois likes Beeftank and all his weirdness (oh my god, "Ohio River mornster of 1946" made me laugh so hard). There's something really endearing about that.
posted by Frobenius Twist at 9:41 PM on May 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

He is a man too round for this world.
posted by JHarris at 11:40 AM on May 3, 2014