It was a very scary ham.

May 22, 2014 10:05 AM

We finally got to the woods, and to the creek. Mary said a few words in Episcopalian, and I unwrapped the ham for the last time.

SF author Ellen Klages has a story about a ham.
posted by Chrysostom (16 comments total)

What a waste. That ham could have easily been elected to the state Senate of many Southern states.
posted by delfin at 10:14 AM on May 22, 2014 [9 favorites]

having just eaten my first Smithfield Ham for easter, Its a miracle mold grows on it at all, because man alive was it salty. I imagine there's some sort of hyper-evolved Archaea that could touch it but not much else.
posted by Dr. Twist at 10:35 AM on May 22, 2014 [2 favorites]

I was in the room when Ellen Klages told this story. She killed.
posted by RakDaddy at 10:37 AM on May 22, 2014 [7 favorites]

Why on earth was a burial at sea on the local pond preferable to the tasteful Viking funeral? Ham and fire is the greatest tribute.
posted by dr_dank at 10:39 AM on May 22, 2014 [1 favorite]

having just eaten my first Smithfield Ham for easter, Its a miracle mold grows on it at all, because man alive was it salty.

Did you soak it in water for a couple of days?

I love ham, especially country, and would have been sorely tempted to cut off the mold and try a bite.
posted by TedW at 10:42 AM on May 22, 2014

Having not long ago cleared out my parents' condo (after moving them into assisted living), I can really appreciate this story.

Happily, we found no hams.
posted by suelac at 10:48 AM on May 22, 2014

I can think of at least 3 people I know irl who would have tasted that demon ham.
posted by elizardbits at 10:55 AM on May 22, 2014 [2 favorites]

Not just soak it for several days, but don't forget to change the water ever 12 hours too .. (And have you ever tried to find something big enough to submerge the ham in the first place ? Not as easy as it looks, unless you have a turkey-fryer type kettle.)

That's also why it's often served as nearly-shaved-thickness.
posted by k5.user at 10:55 AM on May 22, 2014

and at least 100 dogs
posted by elizardbits at 10:55 AM on May 22, 2014 [1 favorite]

Did you soak it in water for a couple of days?

it was soaked for 2 days, changing water 3 times, still really salty.
posted by Dr. Twist at 10:57 AM on May 22, 2014

That's also why it's often served as nearly-shaved-thickness.

I cut it into slabs, perhaps I need to find a kind southerner to mentor me in The Way Of The Ham.
posted by Dr. Twist at 11:00 AM on May 22, 2014

Why on earth was a burial at sea on the local pond preferable to the tasteful Viking funeral?

Yeah, Alum Creek Lake's not that far away, and it's full of alum.

Ham and fire is the greatest tribute.

If your mem'ry serves you well
This ham's on fire
Rollin down the road
Best notify my next of kin
This ham might explode . . .

= = = = =

The ham is on fire
And floating out upon the water
Shrouded in velvet
A viking heading for valhalla

The ham is on fire
And all of Metafilter's bitching
Clicking the photos
Oh, the plot is so bewitching

[heavily distorted hunting horn solo]

Ellen and Mary
Very clever with stuffed monkeys
Alerting the neighbors
Tooting horns a little off-key

But the ham is on fire!
And all the instruments agree that
Its temperature's rising
But any idiot would know that. . .
posted by Herodios at 11:12 AM on May 22, 2014 [7 favorites]

Fine ham stories abound.
posted by Foam Pants at 12:34 PM on May 22, 2014 [1 favorite]

> Fine ham stories abound.

My parents try to put me down,
just because fine ham abounds.
They're square, the world is round,
gonna throw the dice and change my town.

I get your pop references, foamy.
posted by davelog at 2:02 PM on May 22, 2014 [2 favorites]

I put a bandana around my face and cut the ham down from its mooring in the basement ceiling. Mary went out and bought a length of red velvet. We draped it across the box and laid the ham out in state.

There's a certain sort of shock when you realise that goyim aren't just characters out of the Bible, and that they have faithfully transmitted their culture and traditions to the modern era.

Now, is it true that they have a special white bread that they cut into squares, and cover with crushed peanuts and fruit preserves? What does that symbolise? And why is it important to put a wreath on the front door? Is it like a mezuza?
posted by Joe in Australia at 6:08 PM on May 22, 2014 [3 favorites]

Wow. That sounds like a very scary ham, indeed. I don't know if I would try it, but I think a good test would be to bring a dog around and see if the dog would try to eat it or just roll in it.
posted by rmd1023 at 10:03 AM on May 23, 2014