Well, that settles that.
July 19, 2014 2:32 PM   Subscribe

"Forbidden. You have no access to load this page."
(Was checking in from my iPhone.)
posted by Omnomnom at 2:35 PM on July 19, 2014

Yes, I know, different countries, different systems, but still, as far as this resident of Europe is concerned:

posted by Omission at 2:40 PM on July 19, 2014 [13 favorites]

If you are a potential pizza-delivery customer, I implore you to study these 41 simple pizza-receiving mistakes.
posted by theodolite at 2:49 PM on July 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

Well yes, after the revolution, when the hedge fund managers and silicon valley tech-libertarians are all hanging from lamposts, then pizza delivery guys will get a living wage. In the meantime, though, tip them.
posted by Naberius at 2:50 PM on July 19, 2014 [9 favorites]

I'm completely in favor of tipping pizza delivery people and always do so, but from my past jobs making pizzas I can tell you that if you want to find the workers really getting screwed at a pizza place, head back to the ovens.

I also can't tell you how many times I got yelled at by a delivery person for doing X wrong when he/she were making three times my hourly wage and I hadn't really screwed up.

Just sayin.
posted by mcstayinskool at 2:59 PM on July 19, 2014 [4 favorites]

It's fine to be pissed about the state of wages in the US. It's admirable and right and correct to want all people to be able to make a living wage. But if you are personally opposed to tipping delivery people or people in the service industry then you should think about just not using those services at all instead of making your point at the expense of someone's living. You're not a brave freedom fighter taking a stand for humanity. You're just a jerk who won't tip someone making less than minimum wage.
posted by elizardbits at 2:59 PM on July 19, 2014 [57 favorites]

I can't help wondering if those people who tip with Jesus dollars still do it when their server knows where they live.
posted by George_Spiggott at 3:01 PM on July 19, 2014 [4 favorites]

Also on topic, Obama singled out Punch Pizza in the State of the Union Address for deciding to unilaterally increase everyone's wages to a $10/hour minimum. So, if you are in the Twin Cities, go there to support higher wages. It doesn't hurt that their pizza is fantastic.
posted by mcstayinskool at 3:03 PM on July 19, 2014 [5 favorites]

Wait- can you tip the pizza guy in weed?

Also, if the pizza guy is bringing you weed, how much do you tip him?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 3:03 PM on July 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

From the mistakes page:

23. Trying to negotiate the cost.

People do this? Were they raised by wolves?

Also, if the pizza guy is bringing you weed, how much do you tip him?

If the pizza guy is bringing you pot and you still have an intact pizza, tip well.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:04 PM on July 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'd like to know who is permitted to view this page. I turned off adblock, turned on cookies, and hand-entered the url so it wouldn't get a referrer and it still told me I wasn't permitted to view it.

No tip for them.
posted by George_Spiggott at 3:28 PM on July 19, 2014

I tip generously at restaurants, but tipping the pizza delivery guy just doesn't compute with my brain. It seems akin to tipping the Fed Ex or UPS guy (and maybe that's a thing, too?).

Therefore I always order carry out.
posted by BurntHombre at 3:35 PM on July 19, 2014

I overtip, all the time. I think it's a good practice for my own personal character, and I think it helps out others who are dependent on tips. Generosity is always a good idea, despite the ideological underpinnings of the practice. More people should do it, and lavishly.

However, the strident attitude towards tipping in recent years and the growing gap between between living wage and actual wage that the consumer is expected to fill [for whatever reason], is a disturbing trend. Tips should be earned, and tips should be freely given, as a type of gift. Tips should not be considered a subsidization for other bad behavior on the part of employers. When I think about what tipping is becoming, I have flashbacks of overindulgent Christmases where people only gave gifts because it was expected, not because they wanted to. Those were not blessed times of giving and receiving.

The reason I free so strongly about this is because I really value what a tip is. To move in a direction of obligation waters down a good concept to be a sort of guilt-tax, and I literally grieve what tipping could be, but doesn't have the chance to become. The noise of expectation tends to mute the meaningful opportunities for free giving.

Not that this seems to have a whole lot to do with tipping the pizza guy, I guess.
posted by SpacemanStix at 3:38 PM on July 19, 2014 [6 favorites]

Haha, and I see they even address the Fed Ex guy comparison. Well, I'll still order carry out.

mcstayinskool, are you saying the delivery guys got three times your wage once tips were counted?
posted by BurntHombre at 3:39 PM on July 19, 2014

Yeah but in the meantime, Spaceman, people in service jobs are truly relying on tips to put roofs over their heads and food on their tables. Because they make below what is already a horrifyingly low minimum wage. So, yeah, maybe it shouldn't be on the consumers to subsidize asshole employers (and asshole legislators who have enacted reduced minimum wage for foodservice employees), but there doesn't seem to be much political will to change.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:43 PM on July 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

If you ordered from a national pizza company,

posted by shakespeherian at 3:43 PM on July 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

Wait- can you tip the pizza guy in weed?

I delivered pizza in college. There was one driver in particular who seemed to have a problem with orders getting stolen out of his car while he was delivering to one of the dorms on campus. It wasn't entirely unbelievable, I had lived in that particular dorm, and car break-ins weren't incredibly uncommon in the not well lit parking lot. The only thing that was weird was that no one else seemed to have the same problem, but hell I wasn't the manager, so I didn't give it a lot of thought.

Until one day I was in the elevator delivering to someone at that dorm, and a pretty obviously super high dude offered me a dime bag to just take the pizza off my hands then and there.
posted by solotoro at 3:48 PM on July 19, 2014 [6 favorites]

Once in college, my best friend and I ordered a pizza and a 2-liter bottle of Coke.

The delivery guy showed up with a pizza with the wrong toppings and no Coke. He also looked slightly...altered. Not really sure if he was high or just really relaxed, but we asked about the soda and the right pizza, and he said he'd go back and fix that. We gave him money, which he put on the pizza box to make change, handed us change, then left, forgetting to take the money.

20 minutes went by, as we ate the pizza, and then we got a call from the pizza company, apologizing for the wrong pizza and no Coke. They were in the lobby with a new pizza and Coke. We went downstairs, got the pizza, and the Coke, and an apology and a coupon for another free pizza.

That night, we had two pizzas and a bottle of Coke and made money from the "change" from the driver.

That has nothing to do with tipping, but I like the story.
posted by xingcat at 4:19 PM on July 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

I always tip the driver. Except for the guy who, when handing me the pizza, didn't quite extend his arms far enough, so when he relinquished his grip on the box the whole thing just fell flat to the ground. And then he turned around and walked away pretending not to have noticed. Got in his car and drove away. It was very odd.
posted by mudpuppie at 4:20 PM on July 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

Are there tip-culture people who do not tip the driver? Because you are bad.
posted by shakespeherian at 4:42 PM on July 19, 2014 [3 favorites]

Despite the fact that I am a gross lazy slob who orders delivery from places literally across the street or, one time, in my own building, the minimum "showing up to my house" fee is five dollars.

Then again I get a lot of takeaway too.
posted by The Whelk at 4:48 PM on July 19, 2014 [3 favorites]

OMG, I have to tip so much to make up for all the one dollar tips I gave as a child. I'm sorry, PizzaPeople of my youth! I didn't know!
posted by MsDaniB at 5:01 PM on July 19, 2014 [1 favorite]

From the mistakes page:

The check is not written.

Check? You can't be serious. Who DOES this?
posted by chrominance at 5:16 PM on July 19, 2014

Check? You can't be serious. Who DOES this?

The Web site is old enough. 10 years ago this used to be fairly common. 15 years ago it was downright routine.
posted by Jahaza at 5:23 PM on July 19, 2014 [1 favorite]

My favorite was the lady who would order expensive pizza, cokes, garlic breads, etc, and then spend 5 minutes explaining how she didn't have the money to tip. (She was also in an unlit granny unit behind a sketchy house in a sketchy neighborhood.)

She was so annoying that the other drivers refused to take her pizza but what I eventually gathered (I think) was that her husband/boyfriend would compare the money he'd given her to the receipt and she was afraid to have it not match. She was clearly beaten up by SOMEbody on a regular basis.

Pizza on Friday nights with her nutso little kid and sans husband was pretty much the highlight of her week, you could tell.

I got tipped in weed pretty often and it was fine, even though I don't smoke; currency is currency and I leveraged it for better shifts at work.
posted by small_ruminant at 5:34 PM on July 19, 2014 [4 favorites]

FWIW I didn't feel like my job was all that hazardous, except on really stormy nights near the holidays when everyone was drunk. The jobs that *I* thought were scary were the things like tugboat workers, fishermen, loggers and mill workers. Yeah, they weren't MURDERED but they sure ended up fucked up pretty often.
posted by small_ruminant at 5:37 PM on July 19, 2014

From the mistakes page: 10. Having your kids pay.

Yes, if you do this anywhere you are a bad person and should know that the server, clerk or delivery person is likely cursing you with all the power in their soul. It's not cute and it wastes an inordinate amount of time.
posted by winna at 5:44 PM on July 19, 2014 [3 favorites]

Interesting that this doesn't seem to make any mention of the school of thought which holds that you should just tip $5 for delivery unless it's a really big order. My friend who used to deliver stuff claims that around here at least that is the standard. I always figured it was just 15-20% like for wait staff. I'm not sure what to believe any more.
posted by passerby at 6:17 PM on July 19, 2014

The majority of my food delivery comes from within a 5 block radius. I tip 5ish unless the weather is heinous, but half the time they're just coming in through interconnected basements anyway. Fresh Direct gets $20 because that is what this level of convenience is worth to me; the FD delivery closest to the holidays gets $60 because it makes me happy to be able to do that for someone.

I lived off of tips working seasonally and illegally for 8 years in a country that could have deported me at any time they chose. And yeah, while it would not have been a soulcrushing hardship being deported back to my mom's house in NYC, it was enough for me to become the kind of person for whom there will never be a moment in my life where I stiff someone on a tip.
posted by elizardbits at 6:53 PM on July 19, 2014 [5 favorites]

Oh my god, have I been grievously undertipping Fresh Direct?

(Re: personal checks, when I was in college Famous Famiglia would deliver a $3 calzone and take a check. This was forever ago.)
posted by Mavri at 8:04 PM on July 19, 2014

mcstayinskool, are you saying the delivery guys got three times your wage once tips were counted?

Yes, that's what I'm saying. They actually started with a higher hourly wage, because I don't know why, but they also made enough on tips that it ended up being about 3x my hourly wage. I had no car otherwise I would have been doing it too. Once in a while on a big order of 20 pizzas or so I might get a dollar or two kickback from tips. A dollar or two.

I fully realize this is not how every pizza place works, but it is what happened to me when I made pizzas. The delivery people made enough (barely) to survive on, and I didn't. I would have felt sorry for them (the specific them, not the general them), but they were kind of assholes to me, so not so much.
posted by mcstayinskool at 8:56 PM on July 19, 2014

I didn't tip the last delivery driver because he was driving a Buick.
posted by hellojed at 9:43 PM on July 19, 2014

mcstayinskool, are you saying the delivery guys got three times your wage once tips were counted?

I've worked in pizza places and chain restaurants in a kitchen, and yes, we got minimum wage while wait staff and delivery people got about a dollar less in wages and 5 times as much easily in tips. The wait staff in the restaurant had a practice called "tip out" where they would contribute some back to the kitchen, but they were worse tippers than the customers and we had to take a lot of shit from them.

Yeah it sucks in the kitchen, but as customers? Tip your waiter/waitress. There's a lot of problems with how restaurant staff are paid, but not tipping doesn't help a damned thing.

Delivery people I always tip and I never thought twice about it. I've never had a pizza delivered by a guy driving a nice car. Hell, I had a pizza delivered by a guy in a Santa suit driving a scooter once. That's a job where if there's an expectation that you supplement their salaries, you just do it.
posted by Hoopo at 9:52 PM on July 19, 2014

It looks like actual USD, not sure of the denomination, but when you unfold it there's a fucking smug douchey tract about how letting the love of jesus christ into your heart is worth far more than the money you would use to feed your children or pay off your student loans or even just fucking buy a goddam sixpack of the cheapest beer on earth.
posted by elizardbits at 11:45 PM on July 19, 2014 [6 favorites]

In a perfect world the Treasury goons would take them all down on a RICO charge for counterfeiting.
posted by elizardbits at 11:46 PM on July 19, 2014 [7 favorites]

Or feed them to the lions.
posted by Pudhoho at 12:24 AM on July 20, 2014

What elizardbits said. Apparently thieving old shitheads taking advantage of the fact that while not paying for your meal is illegal, stiffing your server isn't, masking their nonexistent consciences with some goddamn demented missionary fantasy about how they're bringing you to the lord instead.
posted by George_Spiggott at 12:34 AM on July 20, 2014 [2 favorites]

Jesus Dollar people deserve to get JesusPizzas.
posted by happyroach at 2:16 AM on July 20, 2014 [4 favorites]

I got shouted at , when in my first week or so in a junior analyst job at a big NYC bank, I paid 20% tip

I just want to come home from shoveling some snow and tracking deer and then I enter and the warmth rolls over me like a warm favorite blanket. And some hot stew is in my bowl and I'm just eating it up and oh it's so good. And then I find out that some subsection of bankers are shitty tippers, and actually yell at people for tipping too much, and I fall asleep in the cozy blankets with my worldview solidified for one more day. Tomorrow maybe will surprise me. But not tonight. There are also like 6 puppies.
posted by passerby at 3:17 AM on July 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

So any idea why this stupid site isn't available outside the US?
posted by MartinWisse at 4:32 AM on July 20, 2014

but they also made enough on tips that it ended up being about 3x my hourly wage.

Welcome to working in a kitchen, dude. I can command a pretty reasonable hourly wage in a kitchen (well above min.), but holy God does it rankle when I see servers coming in with wads of cash--making more in an hour than I make in a night--and complaining that they're not making enough. I mean fuck, I went to school and over ten grand in debt to do what I do, and you walk in off the street with no experience (at one restaurant I've worked at the primary hiring characteristics for servers were tits and hair; grosssssssssssssssssssss I know) and make upwards of 3-4x what I make? AND you're not tipping out the kitchen? Just fuck yourself, right in the ear.

40. Flirting with the driver

I've been flirted with by the driver. It was... a good night.

So any idea why this stupid site isn't available outside the US?

Available in Canada. Use a proxy?
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:10 AM on July 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

When I worked as a Pizza delivery driver in Canada, it seemed common to give one or two dollars tip on what was usually a $10 to $15 dollar order. I got paid minimum wage on top of the tips though so, at the time, it seemed pretty decent.

I remember on my second day I had a delivery (no pizza, but like every non-pizza item on the menu: salad, garlic bread, chicken wings) to a specific address across town. Even though another driver had been waiting for a delivery a few minutes longer than I had, he nodded at me and said "you take this one." Being the new guy, I didn't ask any questions.

When I arrived with the food, a little old lady answered the door. She handed me the exact price of the order, entirely in change, in a ziploc bag. She then said "And something extra for you" and counted out 43 cents in nickles and pennies into my hand.

When I got back to the store, the other staff were laughing at me and asked: "39 cents?"

When I said she gave me 43, there response was "she must have liked you."

Of course, I delivered to this same address multiple times later and always the same thing, except that the tip seemed to vary at random between 25 and 50 cents, despite the order, and thus the bill, always being identical.
posted by 256 at 6:20 AM on July 20, 2014

More on jesus dollars.
posted by elizardbits at 8:23 AM on July 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

40. Flirting with the driver

Oh man, I still think about the time I delivered a pizza to a sixth-floor dorm room and was greeted by a gorgeous swimmer's-body on a couch in nothing but short shorts who smiled, waved me in, smiled, smiled and smiled some more.

But I was A Professional, with hot pizzas in my car six floors below.

posted by mediareport at 8:51 AM on July 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

(He tipped well, though.)
posted by mediareport at 8:53 AM on July 20, 2014

Wow. Jesus dollars are just cruel.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:21 AM on July 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

mediareport, I am disappoint.

Also you could have said "Uh well I'm finished in an hour... see you then?"
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:26 AM on July 20, 2014

So any idea why this stupid site isn't available outside the US?

Works in France.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 9:26 AM on July 20, 2014

mediareport, I am disappoint.

No more than me, I assure you. It almost made up for the times a creepy guy in a bathrobe wiggled his eyebrows as I handed him the box.
posted by mediareport at 9:52 AM on July 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

Y'know, it seems to me that you could make a pretty good case that leaving even an obviously fake bill which is designed to look absolutely convincing when it's half-hidden under a plate in order to skip out without tipping actually violates one or more very serious laws.

If you used a similar trick for a regular commercial transaction, a folded bill which fooled the seller who didn't unfold it until you were gone, then the plea "Well, your honor, it only looked like a real bill long enough for me to get out with the goods, so it wasn't really counterfeiting" would not keep you out of the federal penitentiary.

Hopefully someday a DA will see it that way and prosecute accordingly.
posted by George_Spiggott at 11:41 AM on July 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

I'm not so sure. Presumably those asshats have already paid for the actual meal with legal currency. There's no legal obligation to leave a tip, so there's no fraud there.

I think up here the standard for counterfeiting is whether a reasonable person would believe, on seeing the bill, that it was real. How realistic exactly do these things look?

Either way, would be fun to watch the Secret Service arrest these jerkfaces, as long as media takes the "arrested for counterfeiting so they didn't have to pay tips" angle on it.

Mmmmm. The sweet, sweet taste of anticipatory schadenfreude.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:02 PM on July 20, 2014

Holy crap, house numbers. I don't have a delivery job, but this is a pet peeve of mine when I'm trying to find a house and half the street doesn't have any legible numbers anywhere. People, make sure your house numbers are plainly visible. If you don't, it may take an ambulance or police an extra minute or two to find your place when you need them there ASAP.
posted by crapmatic at 12:31 PM on July 20, 2014 [2 favorites]

I once was a little too messed up on substances when I answered the door for the delivery guy at a party, and simple addition completely escaped me as I stared at the receipt, clutching the pen in my sweaty fist. It was only when I woke up later with a clear head that I realized I'd tipped the pizza guy $0.35.

That was in 2006. It still haunts me. Now it's a minimum $5 tip, every time. Forgive me, pizza delivery guy of yore.
posted by none of these will bring disaster at 10:32 PM on July 20, 2014

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