It was born in the stables. It died in the snow.
August 18, 2014 1:35 AM Subscribe
The Tim Tebow CFL Chronicles Jon Bois (previously) writes what Spencer Hall called "the world's first CFL-seaventure-GIFstory novella" covering Tim Tebow's future as a Toronto Argonaut and a whole lot more.
Canadian here- I can absolutely confirm this. It's like reading a Pierre Burton novel.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:28 AM on August 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:28 AM on August 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
That's good to hear; it all seemed legit to me, but I'm not Canadian so there was a little niggling doubt.
posted by Wolfdog at 4:37 AM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Wolfdog at 4:37 AM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
The only fictional thing in this story is the name of the Toronto CFL team. It is actually the "Toronto Medean Daughters", whose fight song "Drown the interlopers / in the blood of their kin" is a masterpiece of pomp and circumstance.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:23 AM on August 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:23 AM on August 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
I just enjoyed the hell out of reading this, got to the bottom, and realized it was only chapter 1. There are 6 chapters.
posted by rlk at 6:43 AM on August 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by rlk at 6:43 AM on August 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
Oh my god I've been reading this for an hour and it's just so amazing. I thought I had developed enough of an understanding of the writing style that I would stop making strangled-seal noises that draw the confused glances of coworkers, but then Dante Hall is recounting his recollection of The Go Route, and he offhandedly mentions eating his bag of sandwich, and I just...
This is magic. 43,000 words of CFL joke couched as a retelling of Jason and the Argonauts. I never thought I'd see the day. God bless you, internet.
posted by Mayor West at 7:04 AM on August 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
This is magic. 43,000 words of CFL joke couched as a retelling of Jason and the Argonauts. I never thought I'd see the day. God bless you, internet.
posted by Mayor West at 7:04 AM on August 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
The Tim Tebow
Ugh, no.
CFL Chronicles
Laaame.
Jon Bois
SOLD.
posted by Etrigan at 7:05 AM on August 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
Ugh, no.
CFL Chronicles
Laaame.
Jon Bois
SOLD.
posted by Etrigan at 7:05 AM on August 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
I assume Jon Bois was bodily assumed into Heaven after writing this because it is a masterpiece.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 7:25 AM on August 18, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 7:25 AM on August 18, 2014 [7 favorites]
Oh my god. Manicouagan Crater. I can't breathe.
Why is this man not writing every article for every sports magazine everywhere?
posted by Mayor West at 7:39 AM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Why is this man not writing every article for every sports magazine everywhere?
posted by Mayor West at 7:39 AM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
JAV IN! JAV IN!
posted by codacorolla at 8:01 AM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by codacorolla at 8:01 AM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
I have reached the end of Chapter 3 and I am gobsmacked. I mean, literally, my GOB has been SMACKED. The SMACK has hit the GOB and I will be feeling it for days.
What terrors lie ahead, I do not know. I will report back if I can.
posted by delfin at 8:02 AM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
What terrors lie ahead, I do not know. I will report back if I can.
posted by delfin at 8:02 AM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
I mean, literally, my GOB has been SMACKED.
That's what you get for getting in the way of Volquez.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:34 AM on August 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
That's what you get for getting in the way of Volquez.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:34 AM on August 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
At first this was kind of dumb. Then it was just silly. Then it became an epic. Then it became an EPIC epic.
My hat's off to him.
posted by eriko at 8:36 AM on August 18, 2014
My hat's off to him.
posted by eriko at 8:36 AM on August 18, 2014
Reading this was a god damn religious experience. It is literally the most I've enjoyed reading anything ever.
I need a long moment of reflection. brb.
posted by echocollate at 8:52 AM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
I need a long moment of reflection. brb.
posted by echocollate at 8:52 AM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
I, THE PERSON WHO MADE THIS SIGN, ENJOYED THIS WORK OF FICTION BY THE AUTHOR JON BOIS, AND WISH HIM ALL THE BEST
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:08 AM on August 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:08 AM on August 18, 2014 [5 favorites]
THEWHITESKULL MADE THESE LETTERS
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:40 AM on August 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:40 AM on August 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
I have only read Chapter 1. My brain has only been stretched, not yet broken. I will come back to this.
posted by benito.strauss at 10:23 AM on August 18, 2014
posted by benito.strauss at 10:23 AM on August 18, 2014
I feel like Jon Bois' entire career has been building up to this. Beeftank? The cold death of the NBA? Juvenilia, all. This is his opus.
If you're not watching the videos at the end of each chapter, please start. The ending vid of chapter 4 gave me laughing goosebumps.
posted by ZaphodB at 10:40 AM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you're not watching the videos at the end of each chapter, please start. The ending vid of chapter 4 gave me laughing goosebumps.
posted by ZaphodB at 10:40 AM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
it's taking him a half-hour to drive a mile
I can confirm that this is an accurate description of Toronto traffic.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 11:10 AM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
I can confirm that this is an accurate description of Toronto traffic.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 11:10 AM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Heeey! Why would Tim Tebow be making a Kroger's joke? There aren't any Kroger's in Florida. I don't think there are any in Denver or New York, right?
posted by nulledge at 11:17 AM on August 18, 2014
posted by nulledge at 11:17 AM on August 18, 2014
If somebody would make free Tim Tebow CFL Chronicles branded polos or footie-pajamas or rucksacks or whatever, I'll spend the rest of my life telling everyone I meet that did you know Tim Tebow CFL Chronicles is available now on the internet?
posted by penduluum at 11:31 AM on August 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by penduluum at 11:31 AM on August 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
This is the single finest example of literature in the history of the English language.
I'm going to write a letter to Mayor Ford asking for Roy Thomson Hall to be renamed the Lair of the Drake.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 12:02 PM on August 18, 2014
I'm going to write a letter to Mayor Ford asking for Roy Thomson Hall to be renamed the Lair of the Drake.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 12:02 PM on August 18, 2014
It's so fucking good. I want to live in Jon Bois world, and watch Jon Bois CFL, and buy a Jon Bois Tebow Jersey.
posted by codacorolla at 12:32 PM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by codacorolla at 12:32 PM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
The GIF of T hurling himself on the top of the mountain and nailing the canoe on "stunt day" is why the internet was created.
posted by 6ATR at 12:39 PM on August 18, 2014
posted by 6ATR at 12:39 PM on August 18, 2014
If I don't see a hundred "I, THE PERSON WHO MADE THIS SIGN, ENJOY THE GAME OF FOOTBALL AND AM ROOTING FOR TIM TEBOW" signs in every NFL game this season (especially the ones broadcast on ESPN), I will know the internet has failed us all.
posted by mhum at 1:05 PM on August 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by mhum at 1:05 PM on August 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
Hell, I want to see it at the Argos' home opener next year.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:10 PM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:10 PM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
REDBLACK. No you didn't, Tim. Merry Christmas.
I fucking teared up, like, a lot. In REAL LIFE.
posted by pineappleheart at 1:11 PM on August 18, 2014
I fucking teared up, like, a lot. In REAL LIFE.
posted by pineappleheart at 1:11 PM on August 18, 2014
The team's name is actually the REDBLACKS (intentional caps). I'm dying.
posted by codacorolla at 1:13 PM on August 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by codacorolla at 1:13 PM on August 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'll probably achieve the much-coveted Most Hated MeFite status for writing this, but what the hoo: the only thing wrong with this (and I use the term "wrong" in the mildest possible sense, haters) is that, by being written in the first person, it implies that Tim Tebow has an inner life, which the genuine article has never shown signs of. Otherwise, cool.
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:22 PM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:22 PM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Highly recommend this follow-up/debrief as well.
posted by creade at 1:25 PM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by creade at 1:25 PM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
This just escalates so much. I'm so happy.
posted by ZaphodB at 1:37 PM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by ZaphodB at 1:37 PM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
I so want to start chanting 'Jav! Jav! Jav!' at an Eskimos game.
posted by mazola at 1:47 PM on August 18, 2014
posted by mazola at 1:47 PM on August 18, 2014
One day, years from now, I'm going to remember this story but won't really be sure if it was a thing I read on the internet or something I dreamed when I had the flu.
posted by rocket88 at 2:20 PM on August 18, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by rocket88 at 2:20 PM on August 18, 2014 [6 favorites]
I was not prepared for that ending.
posted by codacorolla at 2:22 PM on August 18, 2014
posted by codacorolla at 2:22 PM on August 18, 2014
I hope this will be in print one day.
And I'd agree with Jon's aside to game companies. I don't normally play sports games but I'd play the hell out of an open world football game.
Now, off to buy a REDBLACKS jersey.
posted by honestcoyote at 2:35 PM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
And I'd agree with Jon's aside to game companies. I don't normally play sports games but I'd play the hell out of an open world football game.
Now, off to buy a REDBLACKS jersey.
posted by honestcoyote at 2:35 PM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Yeah but the Montreal Alouettes have the rights to Tebow.
posted by chrchr at 3:18 PM on August 18, 2014
posted by chrchr at 3:18 PM on August 18, 2014
My god is this absolutely the best story I've ever been told. After being worried that Jon Bois had run out of steam, I'm happy to be so wrong.
Chapter II is by far the best.
posted by GreyboxHero at 4:16 PM on August 18, 2014
Chapter II is by far the best.
posted by GreyboxHero at 4:16 PM on August 18, 2014
I will never look at football, Canada, or literature the same way again.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:48 PM on August 18, 2014
posted by Rock Steady at 5:48 PM on August 18, 2014
> Yeah but the Montreal Alouettes have the rights to Tebow.
Bois addresses that on the followup page. tl;dr: "The Toronto Argonauts fit the story better. Oh well."
posted by ardgedee at 5:50 PM on August 18, 2014
Bois addresses that on the followup page. tl;dr: "The Toronto Argonauts fit the story better. Oh well."
posted by ardgedee at 5:50 PM on August 18, 2014
Just finished reading the thing, and... whoa. The best part is finding things that are actually real, embedded here and there, that sound as if they should be made up. The Manicouagan Crater. The Atlantic Schooners. Leland Melvin. The truth about Greenland. Incredible.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:55 AM on August 19, 2014
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:55 AM on August 19, 2014
made you look
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:55 AM on August 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:55 AM on August 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
The best part is finding things that are actually real…
Well, the LDT story and fan comments were real.
And, as per the story, the Argos do indeed play the REDBLACKS Nov 7, 2014 so we'll see how much of this pans out.
posted by mazola at 2:32 PM on August 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
Well, the LDT story and fan comments were real.
And, as per the story, the Argos do indeed play the REDBLACKS Nov 7, 2014 so we'll see how much of this pans out.
posted by mazola at 2:32 PM on August 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
And I love the thought of Tim Tebow recalling some Fan comments he read on a CFL forum. :P
posted by mazola at 2:35 PM on August 19, 2014
posted by mazola at 2:35 PM on August 19, 2014
Melvin. This, by my rough measure, is the 3,257,451-yard line. If you are an Atlantic Schooner, and you cross this line ... we will lay the wood on you.
Look over my shoulder. Cast your eyes to a city taller than the sky, and then consider whether what I am telling you is true.
This is the greatest piece of sports writing I've ever read, and the longest the CFL has ever held my interest.
posted by Kreiger at 8:50 AM on August 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
Look over my shoulder. Cast your eyes to a city taller than the sky, and then consider whether what I am telling you is true.
This is the greatest piece of sports writing I've ever read, and the longest the CFL has ever held my interest.
posted by Kreiger at 8:50 AM on August 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
I like the poutine recipe. I'm trying it now.
posted by From Bklyn at 11:46 PM on August 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by From Bklyn at 11:46 PM on August 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
And, as per the story, the Argos do indeed play the REDBLACKS Nov 7, 2014 so we'll see how much of this pans out.
Oh the all caps thing was real. Heh.
posted by mr_roboto at 3:26 PM on September 3, 2014
Oh the all caps thing was real. Heh.
posted by mr_roboto at 3:26 PM on September 3, 2014
It was all real. Some day, you shall see.
posted by Etrigan at 3:57 PM on September 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Etrigan at 3:57 PM on September 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
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posted by ardgedee at 3:50 AM on August 18, 2014 [1 favorite]