Speak With Monsters: The Incomplete Series

September 21, 2014 10:45 AM

"Okay, the old man in the tavern tells you, 'Many years ago the powerful sage known as Mefi's own Lore collected much wisdom about the sundry monsters of which the elders taught of us in the Monster Manual. Lore's annotations to the work came in the form of the comic series Speak With Monsters. They were once thought lost forever with the fall of Bad Gods and following the trail the mighty JHarris blazed previously four winters past will lead only to woe. But Lore has shared them again in the distant library of Google Plus for seekers after wisdom and gold.' He then falls over with a knife in his back. What do you do?"

It is "The Incomplete Series" because while originally slated to run for 150 installments, it ended after roughly half that. For your easy reference:

Carrion Crawler
Blink Marmaduke
Centaur
Chimera
Cockatrice
Displacer Beast
Doppleganger
Djinni
Efreeti
Elemntal (Fire Elemental)
Ettin
Flightless Bird
Leech, Giant
Ghost
Spider, Giant Spider
Gnoll
Dragon, Green Dragon (Draco Chlorinus Nauseous Respiratorus)
Halfling
Griffon
Harpy
Hell Hound
Herd Animal
Hobgoblin
Ki-Rin
Kobold
Lamia
Medusa
Merman
Mimic
Ankheg
Minotaur
Mind Flayer
Beholder
Bulette
Men, Berserker
Dinosaur, Ceratosaurus
Demogorgon
Dryad
Ear Seeker
Ant, Giant
Leprechaun
Invisible Stalker
Golem, Iron
Manticore
Rakshasa
Peryton
Umber Hulk
Xorn
Mummy
Ogre Mage (Japanese Ogre)
Orc
Pixie
Owlbear
Pseudo-Dragon
Quasit
Roper
Purple Worm
Rot Grub
Rust Monster
Sahuagin
Shambling Mound
Skeleton
Succubus
Shrieker
Troll
Trapper
Troglodyte
Unicorn
Vampire
Will-O-(the)-Wisp

posted by ricochet biscuit (18 comments total)

At least his Brunching Shuttlecocks (1997-2003) has been archived in place, so future generations of nerds will be conveniently able to enjoy Web 1.0 humor and locate themselves on the Geek Hierarchy Chart.
posted by Doktor Zed at 10:54 AM on September 21, 2014 [6 favorites]

I have been playing a Hackmaster campaign for the past couple of months and our group actually roll plays between session on Google Plus. So this post hits a couple of sweet spots.
posted by Nevin at 10:56 AM on September 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

Lore Sjoberg should do more funny. Come back to us Lore, we miss you!

Kobold: HaS anYoNe SeEn My HiTpOiNt?
posted by JHarris at 10:58 AM on September 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

Lore is Internet Classique.

I still sometimes say "God never gives us more ice cream sandwiches than we can handle"
posted by The Whelk at 11:21 AM on September 21, 2014 [4 favorites]

I seem to remember part of the fun of the series was the comments Lore put beneath each one, which seem to be sadly lost. At least ricochet biscuit managed to dredge up the titles for each comic!
posted by JHarris at 11:28 AM on September 21, 2014

Can you play something other than a vampire?

Sure. You can get the rules in related games like "Werewolf: the Apocalypse," "Wraith: the Oblivion," and "Changeling: The Dreaming."

How about "Bigfoot: The Malodorousness"?

I wouldn't be surprised.

Or "Swamp Monster: The Moistening"?

Sure. Anything's possible.
posted by Madamina at 11:41 AM on September 21, 2014

It is Incomplete in another sense too, I think: I could have sworn there were more entries originally. I seem to recollect a monster -- maybe one of the sphinxes -- pitching woo to a reluctant would-be partner by quoting his own Monster Manual entry, with some line like, "I've got money you know... I covet and hoard wealth of all kinds, particularly gold and gems."
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:14 PM on September 21, 2014 [2 favorites]

You're a unicorm.
Priceless.
posted by arcticseal at 2:19 PM on September 21, 2014

I still sometimes say "God never gives us more ice cream sandwiches than we can handle"

Nor depleted uranium beholder statues.
posted by Pope Guilty at 2:56 PM on September 21, 2014 [2 favorites]

I'm going to blame Metafilter's spider threads for my thought train on reading the giant spider one being "Well those ones on the outside are probably not fangs but pedipalps which means that it's probably not dripping with venom but rather... oh..."
posted by Zalzidrax at 4:28 PM on September 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

"Lord, I was born a shambling mound!
Tryin' to kill adventurers with two attacks per round
and if I hit with both then by tendrils you'll be bound,
'Cause I was born a shambling mound.

Lord I was born a shambling mound!
In my leafy torso is where my brain can be found.
I can't be killed with lightning,
or burned or crushed or drowned,
'Cause I was born a shambling mound!"
posted by JHarris at 4:45 PM on September 21, 2014 [6 favorites]

I love these so hard.
posted by edheil at 5:04 PM on September 21, 2014

I've never played D&D but as a veteran of several decades of NetHack most of this rings painfully and hilariously true...
posted by jim in austin at 5:27 PM on September 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

I've got Lore's book!
posted by Chrysostom at 6:37 PM on September 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

Aaah, the ratings. I miss those.

Why can't Lore be paid just to be awesome? Isn't that what the NEA, which I believe stands for the National Endowment for Awesomeness, is for?
posted by JHarris at 7:33 PM on September 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

My favorite Lore remains his cookbook analogy to the reception of new editions of D&D.
posted by dfan at 4:48 AM on September 22, 2014

I hadn't seen these before, though I recognized Lore's name (and I have to use his first name since I can't remember how to type that Scandahoovian slashed-o thing).

These are really funny; thank you!
posted by wenestvedt at 7:19 AM on September 22, 2014

It's not a slashed o (ø), it's an umlaut: Sjöberg.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:26 AM on September 22, 2014