The Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles
September 27, 2014 1:10 PM   Subscribe

It purports to be a fan fiction written by a mother who wanted to make a "family friendly" version of the Harry Potter books... That is to say, one that will not lead to your children "turning into witches". There is currently a lively debate as to whether it is an intentional joke or exactly what it claims to be. Whether it's real or satire, iThe Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles is certainly an entertaining read: "Voldemort doesn't care," Hermione remarked sadly; and she shook her head. "And he is gaining power. The freedom of Christians to practice our faith is disappearing by the day. Soon, it will be like it was in Rome." Lovely, ladylike tears began to roll down her delicate, terrified face. "And I don't like lions!"
posted by kyrademon (49 comments total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
 
MetaFilter: Science and Socialism and Birthdays
posted by Wolfdog at 1:17 PM on September 27, 2014 [4 favorites]


Intentional joke, though.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:19 PM on September 27, 2014 [2 favorites]


Taken out that dangerous monarch-loving Britisher nonsense, too, I'm glad to see.
posted by Segundus at 1:20 PM on September 27, 2014


One key it's intentional: It's short. Like joke-length short. Toast article short. People really wrapped up in this idea and a desire to DO IT RIGHT would be into the tens of thousands of words by now (with no sign of stopping)
posted by The Whelk at 1:21 PM on September 27, 2014 [38 favorites]


(basically, It reads like someone making a joke and knows when to stop)
posted by The Whelk at 1:21 PM on September 27, 2014 [5 favorites]


Yea I'm with the whelk here. It's the rare tasteful joke in the era of the joke that drags on far beyond it's expiration date. We're just so unfamiliar with that concept anymore that it's novel.

Sigh.
posted by emptythought at 1:26 PM on September 27, 2014


With the simple faith so often seen in little ones, Harry got down on his knees; and lifted his hands skyward; and shouted prayerfully, "Dear Lord, please open these doors; and allow me to enter my new home!"

Alternatively, he could just open the damn door himself.
posted by arcticseal at 1:27 PM on September 27, 2014 [2 favorites]


SPOILER: The big crisis in the story is when Voldemort makes all the adverbs go missing, and there are just pages and pages of blank space.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:27 PM on September 27, 2014 [10 favorites]


We're just so unfamiliar with that concept anymore that it's novel.

Really, the whole point is that it's less novel and more short story.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:28 PM on September 27, 2014 [10 favorites]


"Tell me how to get to this heaven place!" Harry cried wistfully, clasping his hands together. Sometimes, the wisdom of little ones is really amazing. We think we grownups know it all; but then God speaks through the mouths of little ones; and shows us how we are all mortals struggling along the path of life. Humility.
Interesting example of Poe's Law. I'm not sure which I would find more disturbing, that someone would write this sincerely or someone is adept at emulating the mental model of someone who would write it.
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:28 PM on September 27, 2014 [5 favorites]


I'm just going to invoke Poe's Law and get back to writing my fan-fic mashup of JK Rowling and HP Lovecraft.
posted by Doktor Zed at 1:28 PM on September 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


This is more mugglist rhetoric from the wizard agenda.
posted by Invisible Green Time-Lapse Peloton at 1:29 PM on September 27, 2014


Alternatively, he could just open the damn door himself.

Maybe he's an occasionalist? God works in mysterious door-opening ways.
posted by Thing at 1:29 PM on September 27, 2014 [2 favorites]


my fan-fic mashup of JK Rowling and HP Lovecraft.

why is this not an active link why would you do that to me
posted by The Whelk at 1:30 PM on September 27, 2014 [26 favorites]


I still sometimes get the urge to write Harry Potter And The Chamber Of State Secrets
posted by The Whelk at 1:31 PM on September 27, 2014 [8 favorites]


Harry Potter and the Troll Bridge of Spies.
posted by boo_radley at 1:35 PM on September 27, 2014


The Wizard Who Came In Form The Cold

wait now we're just writing Laundry books
posted by The Whelk at 1:38 PM on September 27, 2014 [17 favorites]


harry potter and the infinite jest
posted by pyramid termite at 1:39 PM on September 27, 2014 [6 favorites]


Soon, it will be like it was in Rome.

If we're lucky.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:40 PM on September 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


Truly, this woman was a real Proverbs 31 wife!

That's a pretty amazing way to shoehorn the bible references in. Is it normal for evangelical writing?
posted by ambrosen at 1:41 PM on September 27, 2014


On the one hand, this is an atheist's idea of what "Christian fiction" is like.

On the other hand, it's supposed to be over-the-top humor. If it were more subtle, then it would be too believable.
posted by deanc at 1:42 PM on September 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


"Would you like us to educate you on the Dawkins?"

LOL forever. It's gotta be an intentional joke because I don't think most evangelical types really pay attention to the Dawkins.

Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "Too bad no one told her: parenting should be about the children. Not the parents. That is why it is called parenting!"

I read this in the voice of that person who made the video resume about her fashion style sense.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:46 PM on September 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


Damn you people! Stop this right now. I so would read either a Harry Potter/espionage or HP/Lovecraft, or best of all HP/Laundry Files. Oh hells yes I would read that in a heartbeat. Bob finds that the Laundry has long been aware of a secret society that actively practices magic and...oh shit, that would be fun. And of course, there would have to be fucking. I mean, this is fan fiction. There has to be fucking.
posted by Ber at 2:03 PM on September 27, 2014


Fine, fine, I'll get started on Harry Potter and the Surprisingly Compelling Case for Moral Relativism.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:03 PM on September 27, 2014 [15 favorites]


There has to be fucking.

"Oh!", Harry humped sexually.
posted by Wolfdog at 2:04 PM on September 27, 2014 [22 favorites]


we're all aware of this right?
posted by The Whelk at 2:05 PM on September 27, 2014 [6 favorites]


God damn I love Mallory Ortberg.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:12 PM on September 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


"Oh!", Harry humped sexually ejaculated.

Although that's really more of a Tom Swift thing...
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:26 PM on September 27, 2014 [2 favorites]


Also this.
posted by Shmuel510 at 2:32 PM on September 27, 2014


Holy shit! Never mind that, here's Ayn Rand's Buffy the Vampire Slayer!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:38 PM on September 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


I want to put that in an industrial mixer with Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality and find out WILL IT BLEND?
posted by immlass at 2:39 PM on September 27, 2014


The "Proverbs 31 woman" is totally a thing.
posted by OnceUponATime at 2:44 PM on September 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


Maybe some better examples of the "I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman" thing.
posted by OnceUponATime at 2:58 PM on September 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


Max Hardcore Presents The Adventures of Harry Potter #37: Harry and the Wizard-Schoolgirls
posted by item at 3:03 PM on September 27, 2014


Yea I'm with the whelk here.

I am too - the whole endeavor, for reasons mentioned above, smells like it was written at The Hogwash School for Tongue in Cheek.
posted by Pudhoho at 3:08 PM on September 27, 2014


"What is it, son?" the reverend [Dumbledore] reiterated kindly. He was dressed respectably in sturdy, manly jeans and a red, white; and blue plaid shirt over which a few virile tresses were visible; and a pair of admirable, brown cowboy boots. "Are you settling in alright?"

there are people who think this is serious?
posted by kagredon at 3:42 PM on September 27, 2014 [4 favorites]


EXPECTO CHICKTRACTUM!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:11 PM on September 27, 2014 [13 favorites]


Harry Potter with fucking, you say? (I've just read it and it is quite good.)
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:14 PM on September 27, 2014 [3 favorites]


At this point in the thread, it's probably natural to be wondering whether there is a Hungarian, cross-dressing Harry Potter/Grease parody available.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:31 PM on September 27, 2014 [4 favorites]


Oh wow she did all seven books in the Ayn Rand's Harry Potter series. And more.
posted by mbrubeck at 7:37 PM on September 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


What did you people think the "H.P." in "H.P. Lovecraft" stands for all this time?!
posted by wenestvedt at 8:00 PM on September 27, 2014 [2 favorites]


It blows my mind that anyone could think this is real.
posted by EarBucket at 8:11 PM on September 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


It blows my mind that anyone could think this is real.

O ye of little faith.
posted by Celsius1414 at 8:42 PM on September 27, 2014 [1 favorite]


Alternatively, he could just open the damn door himself.

"Look, I sent you a car, a rowboat, and a helicopter. What more do you want?"
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:46 PM on September 27, 2014 [4 favorites]


So here's what I've got so far:

"Karkaroff," Harry pondered... "Karkaroff..."

Harry had a lot of time to himself to spend pondering these days. The Hollyhead Harpies had made it to the playoffs, so Ginny was away most nights, and laying awake staring at the pattern on their half-empty bed's canopy set the mind to wandering easily enough.

"If we are all simply victims of our circumstances..." he thought, but no. Harry tried his best to avoid that line of reasoning, fearful of where it might lead. Would lead. It led to exactly one place and he'd already acknowledged it, somewhere deep in his subconscious. He was simply fearful of letting it out of its cage.

It all came back to Karkaroff. Karkaroff had been, if he'd ever been guilty of anything, guilty of choosing the wrong side in a battle outside of his own cultural understanding. The Death Eaters had inducted him, of course, but how was Harry to know that Karkaroff had received understanding of the situation from any other source? Once he knew, he had done what he could to bring his comrades to justice, and died at their hands for not returning. Can more actually be demanded of a person?

It was true, Professor Snape had found himself in a similar situation, and atoned far more greatly than Igor Karkaroff had. Still, he had seen into Snape's memories, into his narrative, and knew that the key piece of Snape's reconciliation came from his closeness with Albus Dumbledore, far from perfect himself, and Dumbledore's proscriptions on how Snape might somehow make amends. Karkaroff, instead, got the Wizengamot and an opportunity to turn state's evidence in exchange for a pardon.

Were the two really so different? Both men sought forgiveness for virtually the same crimes. Both were given orders from on high and readily acquiesced. "But Karkaroff got his orders in public from a councilfor which I have no specific love," Harry thought, "While Snape got his in private from a man I have loved as a mentor and distant father figure." That was the difference, if it made any difference at all.

Harry considered Dumbledore, a man whose history was surely one of greatness, mistakes, and empathy. He had been in love with Grindelwald, and allowed himself to get swept up in his paramour's wretched schemes. Had probably spurred them along, in reality. This, of course, led to untold deaths and his own sister's tragedy. A tragedy which had set Dumbledore on the course he would take forever more.

Was Dumbledore a good man? Undoubtedly, though that judgment benefited from his advanced age and the blessings of wisdom and second chances it had bestowed upon him. Was Voldemort an evil man? Surely, but what scared Harry the most about this thought was that maybe Tom Riddle had never had a chance after all. Conceived of magic but not of love, finding power completely in the former and dismissing the latter... Was Dumbledore right to have admitted him, despite seeing what he was like, even as a child? Absolutely. Should he have known better, kept better vigilance? Absolutely.

Harry considered Narcissa Malfoy, to whom he and the rest of the wizarding world owed their lives, whether they knew it or not, and only he knew it. Her method of saving him was by nature duplicitous - so was the truth a moral absolute? She only did so in the hopes of holding her son in her arms once more - but could that really be called ignoble?

And Harry thought of the Unforgivable Curses. Surely the ministry was correct in how they sentenced these, but Harry himself was guilty of using the crucio curse, on multiple occasions, against other humans, in full view of many witnesses.He had never been tried, would never be tries, and he knew the reason. He had used them against the right people. The wrong people. Whatever you want to call them, the fact remained that the issue of "unforgivability" still rested on the question of who the victim was.

Wouldn't the Death Eaters have felt the same?

In the end, it came down not to Snape or Karkaroff or even Voldemort, but to Dumbledore. A man who set himself up as a god-like arbiter of moral judgment, based purely on his own experiences. Quirrell had once told Harry that there was no good nor evil, just power and those too weak to take a hold of it. That was the stupid and facile philosophy of a stupid and weak-willed man, but there was still some meaning there. There was good in this world, Harry knew, as well as evil, but that didn't mean that our yardsticks for measuring them meant a damn.

Albus Dumbledore had set the goalposts. As such - and Harry always turned to Quidditch for his metaphors in times of utmost mental trouble - they were that you could always toss the quaffle through the hoops for goodness points. No matter how many goals you let the other side score, you could always make up the deficit, avoid the bludgers of distraction, and win the game in one giant, grand, snitch-catching gesture. Dumbledore got to make the rules because he had access to power and took it. He made himself an ethical example because he was able to do so, where his own brother was not. He allowed for second chances because he himself needed them but still judged others based on a set of values he himself found most worthwhile to uphold.

And the presence of that sort of power was enough to turn Snape into a martyr and Karkaroff into a coward.

Harry kept staring at the canopy and waiting for the sound of the familiar "pop" that meant Ginny was back. Holding her was comforting. It let him let himself sleep. Having always been true to herself, she was not troubled by these thoughts. Living correctly seemed to come naturally to her. As far as Harry knew.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:49 PM on September 27, 2014 [16 favorites]


TROOOOOLLLL!
posted by obiwanwasabi at 2:34 AM on September 28, 2014


Fantastic. I'd expect nothing less from the op.
posted by cytherea at 3:00 AM on September 28, 2014


but Harry himself was guilty of using the crucio curse

Technically, its proper name is the Cruciatus Curse, but this is surely forgivable.
posted by lumensimus at 6:23 PM on September 28, 2014 [2 favorites]


i tried to read this but it reminded me too much of the tongue-firmly-not-in-cheek literature that I consumed as a highly religious child. People may say this is a joke, but it is reaching poe's law here for me.
posted by rebent at 8:17 AM on September 29, 2014 [2 favorites]


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