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September 30, 2014 10:45 AM   Subscribe

"The marine is already back in his seat when the professor comes to. His indignation cuts immediately through the fog of having been knocked unconscious, and he is pissed. Why, the quite-probably-concussed professor sputters, would the marine do such a thing?" The Ballad of Marine Todd
posted by Legomancer (108 comments total) 33 users marked this as a favorite
 
I approve of the rerererere tag.
posted by Chrysostom at 10:51 AM on September 30, 2014 [5 favorites]


"average marine punches 5 professors a year" factoid actualy just statistical error. average marine punches 0 professors per year. Marine Todd, who is filling in for god & punches 10,000 each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted
posted by griphus at 10:55 AM on September 30, 2014 [43 favorites]


Needs a #MERICA tag.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 10:55 AM on September 30, 2014


I feel like he sort of missed the point of/undersold the Lavrentiy Beria one, but holy shit that Lavrenty Beria one is amazing. I would probably enjoy any American right-wing meme with the context shifted to Stalinism, though.
posted by Copronymus at 10:56 AM on September 30, 2014 [19 favorites]


The professor — and here we can begin to infer that the course is either Introduction to Parodic Atheism or Advanced Studies in Imaginary Heresy — endeavors to disprove the existence of God, right there in class.]

Oh yeah, I took the first one my sophmore year.

There is tons of this stuff out there, you could do a whole series.

(excellent article, thanks Legomancer)
posted by emjaybee at 10:58 AM on September 30, 2014


Also, has anyone actually seen that Kevin Sorbo God's Not Dead movie? Fireproof, which is in a similar league, was an incredible work of art and I was excited about God's Not Dead but now that Kevin Sorbo went all Mel Gibson-y about the Jews I'm less excited, but not entirely put off.
posted by griphus at 11:01 AM on September 30, 2014


Also, has anyone actually seen that Kevin Sorbo God's Not Dead movie? Fireproof, which is in a similar league, was an incredible work of art and I was excited about God's Not Dead but now that Kevin Sorbo went all Mel Gibson-y about the Jews I'm less excited, but not entirely put off.

notsureifserious.gif
posted by Elementary Penguin at 11:03 AM on September 30, 2014 [9 favorites]


That was a really long article, just to talk about a meme.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 11:03 AM on September 30, 2014 [5 favorites]


Metafilter: the internet's uncle-lined rage loop
posted by theodolite at 11:04 AM on September 30, 2014 [11 favorites]


notsureifserious.gif

If you see only one movie this year where Kirk Cameron's compulsive masturbation habits put his marriage at risk, make it Fireproof.
posted by griphus at 11:07 AM on September 30, 2014 [35 favorites]


Kirk Cameron's compulsive masturbation habits

....I don't understand, are you trying to promote the movie or warn us about it?....
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:15 AM on September 30, 2014 [5 favorites]


If you see only one movie this year where Kirk Cameron's compulsive masturbation habits put his marriage at risk, make it Fireproof.

>draw crying, masturbating, divorcing Kirk Cameron on a sheet of Saran Wrap
>place Saran Wrap on television screen
>now every movie is about this
posted by Sticherbeast at 11:16 AM on September 30, 2014 [65 favorites]


It is constructed and functions like literature, broadly shares the same goals, and is part of a distinct storytelling tradition — but also and more to the point and at the most fundamental level it’s almost impossibly stilted, cheesy, and dumb.

Don't know much about literature, but is there some category into which The Iliad and various books of the Bible fall and which might be worth considering here?
posted by fredludd at 11:17 AM on September 30, 2014


Deadspin had something about Marine Todd a while back.
posted by box at 11:17 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


I've always seen it as a parable of American foreign policy, especially the last line: America as world police is "just filling in" for an absent god, or I suppose a god who works in mysterious (American military) ways.

There's also the bit about how America is the young, violent student in this scenario, and rather than learning from older cultures America flattens them and returns home.
posted by 2bucksplus at 11:22 AM on September 30, 2014 [10 favorites]


this is a great article, I can't wait to post it on face book
posted by rebent at 11:25 AM on September 30, 2014 [8 favorites]


ends with God entering the classroom and triumphantly imposing a flat tax
[spit-take]
posted by GrammarMoses at 11:25 AM on September 30, 2014 [8 favorites]


Oh, 4chan, you impudent scamps. Still, Poe's Law.
posted by dhartung at 11:29 AM on September 30, 2014


This is kind of old news, isn't it? I mean right-wing chain emails (and now right-wing Facebooks posts or retweets) have been circulating rumor and fantasy for ages. Though I did like the phrase "the internet’s uncle-lined rage loop".
posted by Cash4Lead at 11:30 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


Not sure about the Marine Todd origins, but I'm positive the Brave Christian Student Stands Up To Evil Atheist Professor meme (and the Kevin Sorbo movie it has apparently spawned) owes its existence to a Jack Chick tract called "Big Daddy?" (link to full comic).
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:31 AM on September 30, 2014 [10 favorites]


As much fun as Twitter had remixing and goofing on it, there is really no responding to it.
Pretty much. You just have bitter disappointment that someone you used to respect could be that stupid, and then you block/killfile them.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 11:32 AM on September 30, 2014


a Jack Chick tract called "Big Daddy

haha "FACTS FACTS FACTS"
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:33 AM on September 30, 2014 [6 favorites]


Also, has anyone actually seen that Kevin Sorbo God's Not Dead movie? Fireproof, which is in a similar league, was an incredible work of art and I was excited about God's Not Dead but now that Kevin Sorbo went all Mel Gibson-y about the Jews I'm less excited, but not entirely put off.

Combine it with Heaven is For Real and you hit the trifecta. The trifecta of what, I don't know.
posted by emjaybee at 11:39 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


And he's down again, and I don't think he's going to get up this time. No, so Jack Bodel has defeated Sir Kenneth Clark in the very first round here tonight and so this big Lincolnshire heavyweight becomes the new Oxford Professor of Fine Art.

I am going to repost this Monty Python quote that was capriciously censored and admonish the moderators to consider whether they just didn't understand the connection between a 2014 meme about a brute punching a professor and a 1973 comedy sketch about a brute punching a professor.

Yes, this theme has been around a long, long time. But in the olden days we laughed at it as a comedy about the unthinkable: violence beating wisdom and intelligence. Now we're not laughing anymore.
posted by charlie don't surf at 11:40 AM on September 30, 2014 [10 favorites]


a Jack Chick tract called "Big Daddy?" (link to full comic).

Is that the one where it turns out that God is the strong nuclear force?

Yes! What a classic.
posted by Copronymus at 11:42 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


The ShitThatDidntHappen.txt genre is my favorite genre of internet literature.

"And everyone stood up and clapped."
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 11:43 AM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]


But in the olden days we laughed at it as a comedy about the unthinkable: violence beating wisdom and intelligence. Now we're not laughing anymore.

rt and fav if u agree marine todd should Mackle less
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 11:43 AM on September 30, 2014 [6 favorites]


This is the reason I don't actively oppose the secessionist movement. The sooner these folks leave the US to form their own country the better.
posted by tommasz at 11:44 AM on September 30, 2014 [7 favorites]


Ah, yes, the classic of tract comics literature. I first encountered this one littered randomly amongst the stacks -- tucked between books here, set on an empty few inches of shelf there -- at the community college. Which was also the place where I got on the bus and two casual acquaintances began speaking. One woman explained she had just been at Philosophy. After a subvocal gasp, the other woman quietly asked, "But don't you know that that's against God?!"

charlie don't surf: Here's your antidote.
posted by dhartung at 11:44 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


ends with God entering the classroom and triumphantly imposing a flat tax.

Also my favourite line.

I wonder if it was Marine Todd who bought all the apple pies at McDonalds that day.
posted by GuyZero at 11:47 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


i used to think marine todd was a made up person

then he materialized and punched me so hard i exploded

MARINE TODD IS REAL

BELIEVE
posted by COBRA! at 11:49 AM on September 30, 2014 [7 favorites]


I said Marine Todd into the mirror three times and then closed my eyes and he scratched my FACE!!!!
posted by jfwlucy at 11:50 AM on September 30, 2014 [5 favorites]


Marine Todd has nothing on Space Marine Todd.

"Emperor's Teeth! Our professor has been multimeltaed!"

"Nobody insults the Imperial Cult."
posted by selfnoise at 11:51 AM on September 30, 2014 [12 favorites]


i used to think marine todd was a made up person
then he materialized and punched me so hard i exploded
MARINE TODD IS REAL
BELIEVE


CAN'T SCOFF.
MARINE TODD WILL PUNCH ME.
CAN'T SCOFF.
MARINE TODD WILL PUNCH ME.
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:52 AM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


This is the reason I don't actively oppose the secessionist movement. The sooner these folks leave the US to form their own country the better.

Yea, I don't get this. Then you're sharing a border with a country full of these people. It's like wishing that instead of fifty small zits on your face you had one the size of a billiards ball.
posted by echocollate at 11:52 AM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]


Deadspin had something about Marine Todd a while back.

Those comments are comedy gold
posted by Apocryphon at 11:53 AM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


The trifecta of what, I don't know.

Our champions, come to slay the Atlas Shrugged trilogy and hopefully sacrifice themselves in the process.
posted by griphus at 11:53 AM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


From the Deadspin article:

A hoplite was taking philosophy classes between his deployments to Persia.

One of his lectures had a professor that was an atheist and a follower of Epicurus. One day the professor shocked everyone by walking into class, looking up and stating "Zeus, if you are real, I want you to come down and knock me off this platform with your thunderbolt, I will give you 15 minutes.

Several minutes drip by in silence, when the 15 min. time almost expired the hoplite gets up from his seat, approaches the professor and punched him in the face knocking him off the platform and out cold. The hoplite simply went back to his seat.

The professor came to, visibly shaken and asked the hoplite, "What the hades did you do that for?!"

The hoplite said, "Zeus was busy protecting Peloponnesian military who are out protecting your right to say stupid shit like that, so he sent me to fill in."

"But Ares is the god of war," said the professor.

"Whatever," said the hoplite.

posted by GuyZero at 11:57 AM on September 30, 2014 [81 favorites]


If you see only one movie this year where Kirk Cameron's compulsive masturbation habits put his marriage at risk, make it Fireproof.

Let me guess: in the end we find out his dong fits perfectly in his hand because Intelligent Design.
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:57 AM on September 30, 2014 [38 favorites]


> Combine it with Heaven is For Real and you hit the trifecta. The trifecta of what, I don't know.

Trifecta, or do you mean trinity? Three films, but all of one substance.
posted by benito.strauss at 12:01 PM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


If you see only one movie this year where Kirk Cameron's compulsive masturbation habits put his marriage at risk, make it Fireproof.

No thank you. As a liberal atheist homosexual member of the ACLU and also, by the way, of the NYC Free University's Wine and Cheese Society, I preferred the Woody Allen version.
posted by Naberius at 12:02 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


High Weirdness By (E)Mail.
I think if someone were to try and write that book, they'd be very busy for a very, very, very long time, and would probably go quite mad from having to read and attempt to quantify each of these little "folk stories".

I have an "internet uncle" by accident. Sadly, someone who has a similar IRL name to mine signed up for gmail, several years after I had already taken up the common name email address. So they (and there are multiple of them) have all given out my email address to their friends and relatives, one of which is full on crazypants about sending every single fucking chain e-mail like this to me and everyone they know. At first it was annoying, and I even tried to send him a nice email explaining that he has the wrong email address and to kindly stop sending me hate filled rants and racist bullshit (which almost every fucking single one of these emails has so many fucking dog whistles, I can't laugh at them anymore). I never got a direct reply back, but the number of emails I receive has risen dramatically since Obama was elected (yes, I have been receiving these emails for about 7 years now).

Now, I actually have to thank Uncle Huey for sending me all these e-mails. They have kept me quite informed of the latest right wing talking points, and given me plenty of source material to study and take apart methodically should I ever get into a discussion about politics with someone who wishes to try and bully me with their wonderfully uninformed opinions. I so love the look on their faces when I can quote Mike Huckabee or the latest missive from Glen Beck (or Alex Jones) about some crazy pants nonsense. Then to just totally pull the carpet out from under them by linking everything they have said to the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, or the KKK or anything else that stems from the still prevalent Southern Strategy campaigns of the 1970's.

I do wish this article did a better job of defining and explaining "identity politics" more, so that it would enter the general lexicon and zeitgeist, and be more aware that if you chose to identify with something, that does not absolve you from being judged for all the bullshit attached to that identity.
posted by daq at 12:03 PM on September 30, 2014 [11 favorites]


Deadspin had something about Marine Todd a while back.

Adam Weinstein -- ex-Navy and current doctoral candidate, I think -- was the perfect person to write about Marine Todd. His stuff on Gawker on the military and America and Freedom is really worth keeping track of.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 12:04 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


SAMPLER FI!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:04 PM on September 30, 2014 [7 favorites]


Bring back LF
posted by Metafilter Username at 12:09 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


What's the process of legally changing my name to "Atheist Libtard Professor"?

On a less flip note, several of my colleagues have reported more and more stories about being physically threatened by ex-military students. I am not at all confident that professor-punching for Jesus will stay an urban legend.
posted by bibliowench at 12:12 PM on September 30, 2014 [6 favorites]


Come hear the tale of Marine Todd/
His head was square and filled with God...
posted by The Whelk at 12:12 PM on September 30, 2014 [6 favorites]


"Zeus, if you are real, I want you to come down and knock me off this platform with your thunderbolt, I will give you 15 minutes.

A shower of coins fills the room, and when it clears, the professor is pregnant.
posted by Itaxpica at 12:15 PM on September 30, 2014 [43 favorites]


I shot a lib in college
just to watch him die;
when I hear that whistle blowin'
I hold my head up high

[guitar solo]
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:19 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


"Whichever, whatever: Forget it, it’s InternetTown."

That just became my mantra.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:20 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


A cousin had one in her FB timeline recently about a U.S. Marine's "Open letter to whoever dates my daughter" full of the usual misogynistic rants about protecting the virtue and purity of his now infant daughter from future horny teen boys. Lots of not-so-veiled threats about how many weapons he and his Marine buddies had and how skilled they were at using them. I checked out a few of the comments to see if anyone called him out on it but 100 percent of them were fully in support. The consensus was that society would be so much better if there were more fathers like him.
posted by rocket88 at 12:26 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


very passage through the internet’s uncle-lined rage loop leaves it both shinier and more opaque.

That's pretty sweet.
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:28 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


This is what I meant yesterday in that trolling thread by the way. This is trolling at its best and you people love it. EAT HOT CRUELTY METAFILTER HAHAHHAHAHA and then I'm marine todd and i ban everyon1
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:38 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


echocollate: Yea, I don't get this. Then you're sharing a border with a country full of these people. It's like wishing that instead of fifty small zits on your face you had one the size of a billiards ball.
But a zit that can't vote on our next... anything.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:39 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


They can invade us though. And they will when their own internal economies collapse.
posted by wuwei at 12:44 PM on September 30, 2014


Is Marine Todd gonna punch the zit?

Oh man I hope Marine Todd punches the zit
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:46 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


I am going to repost this Monty Python quote that was capriciously censored and admonish the moderators to consider whether they just didn't understand the connection between a 2014 meme about a brute punching a professor and a 1973 comedy sketch about a brute punching a professor.

Forgive me if this is actually an exercise in extremely dry parody of the topic or something, but for the record you have had no comments removed from this thread and none of the three comments that have been deleted mentioned or contained part of that Python quote, nor have you ever had a comment with that quote deleted elsewhere on the site.
posted by cortex at 12:47 PM on September 30, 2014 [8 favorites]


but for the record you have had no comments removed from this thread

That is exceptionally odd since I actually saw my comments posted on the page. I will assume it was a computer glitch.
posted by charlie don't surf at 12:53 PM on September 30, 2014


Metafilter: 10 pounds of piping-hot grievance in a five-pound bag.
posted by wenestvedt at 12:54 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


I will assume it was a computer glitch.

Marine Todd.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 12:54 PM on September 30, 2014 [21 favorites]


Does this mean i shouldn't believe the one about the professor who fills the jar with golfballs, then gravel, then sand? 'Cause i've been looking for that professor everywhere. I want my kid to go to that school.
posted by OHenryPacey at 12:55 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


i would like to register a complaint
posted by boo_radley at 12:55 PM on September 30, 2014


I felt a great need to post this on Facebook.
posted by Artw at 1:02 PM on September 30, 2014


A poster appeared on Metafilter.

"I dare a moderator to strike me down," he said, "For my hot takes are too fresh and my opinions are too nuanced, so they can just deal with it."

After 15 minutes of silence, a bookish-looking woman got up and slugged that poster right in the jaw.

"What did you edit my post for?" He demanded, rubbing his swollen jaw.

"Cortex was busy protecting us from 4chan, so I decided to step in," said Jessamyn.

And everyone stood up and favorited.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 1:04 PM on September 30, 2014 [57 favorites]


i used to think marine todd was a made up person

then he materialized and punched me so hard i exploded


I think you've confused Marine Todd with Chuck Norris.
posted by madajb at 1:07 PM on September 30, 2014


Marine Todd is clearly an aspect or avatar of Chuck Norris, who is himself an archetype of the [six hours of undergraduate regurgitations of Joseph Campbell follow]
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:11 PM on September 30, 2014 [5 favorites]


That's a punchin'.
posted by COBRA! at 1:11 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


This is kind of old news, isn't it?

i can't remember the title or any of the words but there's an old lumberjack ballad where two men at a camp get into a fight over whether god exists and the believer wins, thus "proving" his point and convincing the athiest

so this kind of thing has been going around since the 19th century
posted by pyramid termite at 1:12 PM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]


As is the way of internet essays, this is too long and rambling, but it has some good lines (aside from the ones already quoted, I love "serving different niches in the meme market"). But let me tell you, times have changed. In the '60s, when we punched our professors out, they didn't ask stupid questions like that, they gave us A's and joined our protest lines. And we all sang Stones songs together.

/boomer trolling
posted by languagehat at 1:20 PM on September 30, 2014 [8 favorites]


[everyone is laughing at Marine Todd] now we're not laughing anymore
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 1:23 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


I have an almost unhealthy obsession with right wing glurgey stories, and this article was a very satisfying scratch for that itch. So many of these little tales predate the internet, but online communication has given them a weird new life, rife with opportunities for elaborate riffing and parody, and I freaking love/hate it like nobody's business.
posted by redsparkler at 1:23 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


(tbqh folks the only reason i opened this article in the first place is because I thought it was about Community)

(seriously tho what is up with that guys hair)
posted by rebent at 1:31 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


Remember folks, any direct liberal challenge to God's existence has a 3% chance of summoning Murine Todd, and he straight up gnaws your face off.
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:34 PM on September 30, 2014 [5 favorites]


i can't remember the title or any of the words but there's an old lumberjack ballad where two men at a camp get into a fight over whether god exists and the believer wins, thus "proving" his point and convincing the athiest

Oh my goodness, you don't suppose the original for the professor could have been The Reverend Mr. Black?
If ever I could have thought this man in black
Was soft and had any yellow up his back
I gave that notion up the day
A lumberjack came in and it wasn't to pray
Yeah he kicked open the meeting house door
And he cussed everybody up and down the floor
Then when things got quiet in the place

He walked up and cusses in the preacher's face
He hit that Reverend like a kick of a mule
And to my way of thinking it took a pure fool
To turn the other cheek to that lumber jack

But that's what he did The Reverend Mr. Black
He stood like a rock a man among men
And he let that lumberjack hit him again
And then with a voice as quiet as could be
He cut him down like a big oak tree when he said


You gotta walk that lonesome valley you gotta to walk it by yourself

Oh nobody else can walk it for you you got to walk it by yourself
posted by jamjam at 1:35 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


It's funny that someone mentioned The Protocols of the Elders of Zion upthread, because this is sort of like a hyper-connected version of them. A just-so story cobbled together of years and years of rumor and fantasy that's used as a convenient crutch to support whatever ignorant belief about an othered group that you would like. The Prague Cemetary by Eco, and The Plot by Eisner are two books that cover it (one as fiction and one as a historical graphic novel).

The truth is irrelevant compared to how it makes the reader feel, and the identity that sharing the story conveys.
posted by codacorolla at 1:36 PM on September 30, 2014 [4 favorites]


(seriously tho what is up with that guys hair)

None taken.
posted by gauche at 1:38 PM on September 30, 2014


I used to take care of Internet Uncles by sending them Snopes links.

Of course, now many of them will claim that Snopes itself is sophisticated liberal propaganda. Part of our long game of discrediting The Truth.

Never mind that sophisticated liberal propaganda wouldn't use late-90s website design, but whatever.
posted by emjaybee at 1:48 PM on September 30, 2014 [18 favorites]


I've never encountered a single person who forwarded these kinds of things and was convinced at all by a Snopes link. I eventually quit pointing to them because it was just a waste of time.
posted by Legomancer at 1:53 PM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


codacorolla: The truth is irrelevant compared to how it makes the reader feel, and the identity that sharing the story conveys.
So, truthiness?
posted by IAmBroom at 1:53 PM on September 30, 2014


I think an essay that long on this phenomenon that doesn't use the word "truthiness" is missing something. These are bite-sized versions of Atlas Shrugged, stories that do not convey the world as it is but as the prejudices of certain people think it ought to be. They aren't factually true (and that "FACTS" balloon in Chick's "Big Daddy" conveys this) but they are better – they feel true.

(On preview: IAmBroom, jinx.)
posted by graymouser at 1:54 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


I've had family members tell me Snopes is just part of the liberal media conspiracy.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 1:55 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


Well, reality does have a well-known liberal bias.
posted by rmd1023 at 1:58 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


I've had family members tell me Snopes is just part of the liberal media conspiracy.

Oh my god. I've recently come to terms with the fact that my mother automatically believes almost anything she reads on the websites she frequents, but I've remained comforted by the fact that anything Really Big and Really Wrong will show up in Snopes eventually, and I can link to that. I can't imagine what would happen if she thought that Snopes was lying to her. *shudder*
posted by redsparkler at 1:59 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


Not giving a shit what your relatives believe is something I can't recommend highly enough.
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:01 PM on September 30, 2014 [19 favorites]


I've never encountered a single person who forwarded these kinds of things and was convinced at all by a Snopes link. I eventually quit pointing to them because it was just a waste of time.

My now departed conservative uncle actually read the Snopes links I used to send him, and he even said, in effect, "my bad," and sounded kind of abashed about it, although it didn't stop the emails. I started feeling kind of bad about it, like I was tossing someone's birthday cake ON THE GROUND (welcome the real world, jackass!), so I stopped doing it.
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 2:02 PM on September 30, 2014 [6 favorites]


Always fun to drag out links from your profile page…

"False Witnesses"
Confronted with the runaway success of such an absurd and over-the-top claim, the reflexive response is to think something like, “Wow, a lot of people really are gullible and stupid.” But again — and this is my point here — this has nothing to do with either stupidity or gullibility. The widespread promotion and pretend-acceptance of this rumor cannot be adequately explained by stupidity. It can only be attributed to malice.

This story, as with the many others like it, is spread maliciously. The people spreading it are not fools. They are not suffering from a mental defect, but from a moral one. They have chosen to bear false witness, and they do so knowingly.

"False Witnesses 2"
That's as pure a distillation as you will ever find of the nightmares and bogeymen that terrify the religious right, complete with the attempt to justify those fears because those people are really Satan-worshipping baby-killers.

Perhaps the deepest fear lurking in that e-mail has to do with the persecution complex of American evangelicals we've often discussed here before. The fear here is not that Christians in America might face persecution, but rather the fear of what it might mean that they don't. The supposed effort to prove that there are ENOUGH CHRISTIANS … TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE is an expression of the fear — or the recognition — that the people sending and resending this e-mail are not CHRISTIAN ENOUGH TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE. They're shouting because they're frightened — truly frightened of the truth about themselves, which is always far more frightening than any fear of what might be lurking outside ourselves in the dark.

"They Need Help"
They need help. They need, frankly, liberation.

The weird rumor about Target or the even weirder rumor about P&G are somewhat trivial examples of this, but basing your life on things that aren't true, that aren't real, is a kind of bondage. In simpler, more pragmatic terms: Unreality doesn't work. It is unsustainable. It is a recipe for unhappiness.

The reason I've been writing about/obsessing over things like the P&G rumor or the usefulness of Snopes is that I'm trying to figure out how to liberate the captives of unreality.
posted by ob1quixote at 2:05 PM on September 30, 2014 [13 favorites]


I'm trying to figure out how to liberate the captives of unreality.

Well, first you'll need a black trenchcoat and two pills -- one red, one blue.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:01 PM on September 30, 2014 [2 favorites]


But really, the issue not how to liberate people.

People that believe Target is hating on veterans? Forget it, they're gone. To extend the Matrix metaphor further, "You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it."

The issue is how to educate their children.

In a sweep of history that seems to run on geologic time, the U.S. very often turns on a dime when it comes to social change. Had myself a laugh the other day when I saw a Coast Guard ship in port in Seattle with proud banners displaying how many bales of marijuana the ship had seized. In port, in Seattle. Where marijuana is now legal.

Focus on the kids, not the empty, vacant adults.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:13 PM on September 30, 2014 [6 favorites]


Well, first you'll need a black trenchcoat and two pills -- one red, one blue.

"Oh, thank you! Sudafed and Adderall. Now I'll be able to finish my paper, despite my head cold. I hope your jacket was warm enough!"
posted by Sticherbeast at 3:27 PM on September 30, 2014 [6 favorites]


I teach a human evolution course, and students will occasionally try to TRUTH me about evolution as though they are heroes in an inspiring conservative tale. They are consistently wrong, foolish, and irritating. My favorite thing that happened was when, after arguing me about what it means that the fossil record is incomplete (hint: not that fossils are made up, but that fossilization is a difficult and complex process) and why we haven't found "the missing link" (hint: there is no such fossil), this student's chair inexplicably collapsed underneath him. I kept all my "God's will!!" comments very much to myself, and the kid dropped the class shortly thereafter.

(I will say that all of my veteran students - and I've had a bunch - have been interested, respectful, studious, and never once punched me).
posted by ChuraChura at 3:40 PM on September 30, 2014 [19 favorites]


This, from the Deadspin article:
Is there any chance it's a true story? Not unless there was a sailor in the class to tell the Marine how to tally up the 15 minutes after he ran out of fingers to count on.

...made this whole thread worth the price of admission.

...actually, the Saran-Wrap Kirk Cameron comment did that job, too, but the sailor joke made me feel like I got double my money's worth.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 4:21 PM on September 30, 2014 [6 favorites]


"... the conversation that results is not so much a discourse as a series of peevish monologues playing nonstop at varying volumes, aimed not at convincing but at shoring up various assumptions, tendencies, and micro-ignorances, and shouting their specifics into the void."

This excerpt pretty much nailed my thinking on the current state of the web.
posted by um at 5:11 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


"Now the rest had sat down, and were orderly in their places, but one man, Thersites of the endless speech, still scolded, who knew within his head many words, but disorderly... This was the ugliest man who came beneath Ilion...

But brilliant Odysseus swiftly came beside him scowling and laid a harsh word upon him... and dashed the sceptre against his back and shoulders, and he doubled over, and a round tear dropped from him, and a bloody welt stood up between his shoulders under the golden sceptre's stroke, and he sat down again, frightened, in pain, and looking helplessly about wiped off the tear-drops.

Sorry though the men were they laughed over him happily, and thus they would speak to each other, each looking at the man next to him:

'Come now: Odysseus has done excellent things by thousands... but this is by far the best thing he ever has accomplished...'"
posted by topynate at 5:23 PM on September 30, 2014 [7 favorites]


> I feel like he sort of missed the point of/undersold the Lavrentiy Beria one, but holy shit that Lavrenty Beria one is amazing.

That one desperately needs to be told in the style of a Radio Yerevan joke! Like:

Radio Yerevan was asked, "Is it true that in the USA the state soldiers are believed to be holy prophets and are revered by the people for punching the intellectuals who challenge their religious dogma?"

Radio Yerevan answers: "Yes, but in the USSR, not USA; they do not defend mythological beliefs, but philosophical truths; and the so-called 'intellectuals' who question these are not merely punched, but are shot."
posted by Westringia F. at 6:04 PM on September 30, 2014 [3 favorites]


MARINE TOAD
posted by Joe in Australia at 7:35 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


My favorite version is the "rock" version:
[insert professorial provocation here],

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.

”How old is this rock, professor?”

The arrogant professor smirked and smugly replied “4.6 billion years”

”Wrong. It’s been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real… then it should be an animal now”

The professor was visibly shaken. He dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears. He wished so much that he had a gun to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself had petitioned against them!

The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named “Small Government” flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. That flag waves until this day, despite the lack of wind in the classroom. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.
"despite the lack of wind in the classroom" gets me every time.
posted by drowsy at 8:23 PM on September 30, 2014 [10 favorites]


Marine Toad was sitting in a meeting in Princess Peach's castle when Mario stood up and said "I am in the ACLU and I propose we all agree that Allah is good and that we should do Communism now in the Mushroom Kingdom."

No one in the meeting said anything because they were too scared of Mario, who was married to Princess Peach. 10 minutes passed and Mario smiled because he knew that Luigi was too scared to say anything and so he said, "Ok its settled. Unless anyone disgrees, we are all communist now and we agree that all terrorism is good."

Marine Toad stood up and said "Wait a second Mario." He jumped up really high and landed on Mario's head. "I've decided that Communism is NOT good." But it didn't matter what he said because Mario was now just this flat thing on the floor and all you could see was his red hat flattened on the floor.

Luigi and everyone else stood up and cheered. Marine Toad grabbed Princes Peache's wrist and said "Have you ever seen freedom?" and Princess Peach said "No Mario only liked the ACLU and Communism." And so Marine Toad said "I'm your new freedom now. " and everyone kept on cheering and Marine Toad was made President of the Muchroom Kingdom and he married Princess Peach and they did it a bunch of times.
posted by mcmile at 8:42 PM on September 30, 2014 [12 favorites]


In another castle.
posted by brundlefly at 9:53 PM on September 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


That was a really long article, just to talk about a meme.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 7:03 PM on September 30


Basically my reaction. Seems like a lot of waffling about how dumb shit happens on the internet. Those atheist-bashing memes are generally pretty funny though. I enjoy the way they say "I'm dumb and violent, so I am going to assault you, clever person who annoys me."
posted by Decani at 10:53 PM on September 30, 2014


Had myself a laugh the other day when I saw a Coast Guard ship in port in Seattle with proud banners displaying how many bales of marijuana the ship had seized. In port, in Seattle. Where marijuana is now legal.

Well how were they going to sell the stuff without advertising?
posted by Hello, I'm David McGahan at 12:45 AM on October 1, 2014 [3 favorites]


Oh, right-wing email forwards. Previously on Metafilter: My Right-Wing Dad.

I love Shares from Your Aunt, which parodies these very well (but thus proves Poe's Law).
posted by dhens at 4:23 AM on October 1, 2014 [2 favorites]


The version that reimagines Marine Todd as an unrepentant Stalinist is amazing.
posted by dhens at 4:25 AM on October 1, 2014


> The version that reimagines Marine Todd as an unrepentant Stalinist is amazing

That's the Lavrentiy Beria one that's been mentioned more than once in the thread. Beria is hardly some random unrepentant Stalinist; you might want to look him up.
posted by languagehat at 7:27 AM on October 1, 2014


someone who has a similar IRL name to mine signed up for gmail, several years after I had already taken up the common name email address. So they (and there are multiple of them) have all given out my email address to their friends and relatives, [...] At first it was annoying, and I even tried to send him a nice email explaining that he has the wrong email address and to kindly stop sending me hate filled rants and racist bullshit

I had the same problem at a smaller scale, so I forwarded the rant to the HR dept of the (Japanese-owned) company it was sent from.

I don't have that problem any more.
posted by Leon at 9:47 AM on October 1, 2014


I had the same problem at a smaller scale, so I forwarded the rant to the HR dept of the (Japanese-owned) company it was sent from.

Sadly (or otherwise), Uncle Huey has an aol email address. Though, I have chosen to use this more as an opportunity to educate myself on the myths and culture that I am not directly exposed to.

Strangely, I have found it very helpful in being able to communicate with people from this world view, and am learning more and more rhetorical techniques to subvert the information as much as possible.

The main problem, as I see it, is that people are unaware of their tendency for "source amnesia", meaning they will know a "fact" (or more likely, they will remember a narrative) and will forget where they read it, who said it, or whether it was factual information from a reputable and responsible source, or whether it was the mad gibberings of a paranoid narcissist. So their world view is shaped by things both real and fictional. And they do not have the tools or training (or time, in many cases) to bother to educate themselves otherwise. But to a greater degree, for those individuals, they do not care. They latch onto the narratives that reinforce their cultural worldview.
posted by daq at 11:23 AM on October 1, 2014


languagehat, I didn't see Copronymous's comment, my bad. I said "unrepentant Stalinist" so as not to spoil it. (I have a PhD in Modern European History, so I had already looked him up...)
posted by dhens at 12:09 PM on October 1, 2014


> languagehat, I didn't see Copronymous's comment, my bad. I said "unrepentant Stalinist" so as not to spoil it. (I have a PhD in Modern European History, so I had already looked him up...)

Oops, my bad—sorry to Stalinsplain!
posted by languagehat at 5:11 PM on October 1, 2014 [4 favorites]


Marine Todd Lokken
posted by aydeejones at 8:27 PM on October 2, 2014


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