Spotlight on HAY

October 2, 2014 8:41 AM

"Welcome to the inaugural issue of Dagger & Dill. If it’s local, we love it. If it’s handmade, we fetishize it. If it’s old, we worship it. If it’s baked in a wood-burning oven, painted on a salvaged farmhouse door, or hand-engraved on a pewter cup, we dig it." With step-by-step plans for the perfect fall dinner party. ("Three hours before: Write out name cards for each jam at the jam-tasting station. Roast the vegetables, roll out the crust, and assemble the pot pie lovingly in a heavy cast iron pan. It must be cast iron.")
posted by helpthebear (106 comments total)

If someone spills gravy, rub it into the floorboards for a delicate yet meaty shine.

I'm having flashbacks to The Divine David. Very good.
posted by Thing at 8:46 AM on October 2, 2014

I would totally go to a jam tasting called "That's My Jam".
posted by kmz at 8:49 AM on October 2, 2014 [16 favorites]

I thought this was funny, but would have been better if it had parodied more closely the format and photo presentation of these kinds of articles. To me that's the major conveyor of the message of this shit.
posted by OmieWise at 8:49 AM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

I wonder if humans 300 years from now be able to distinguish this from all the sincere fetishism.
posted by desjardins at 8:51 AM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

(assuming there are humans 300 years from now, which gives us maybe more credit than we deserve)
posted by desjardins at 8:51 AM on October 2, 2014

I actually had to read this 3 times to decide if it was satire or not.
posted by the jam at 8:52 AM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

Please contact me if you would like information on kickstarting my bespoke chicken shovels.
posted by boo_radley at 8:54 AM on October 2, 2014 [17 favorites]

I tend to really dig it when people are really into the things that they love, the things that bring them pleasure. I tend to not dig making fun of people for being into the things they love.

Or, as Simon Pegg said far more eloquently: "Being a geek is all about being honest about what you enjoy and not being afraid to demonstrate that affection. It means never having to play it cool about how much you like something. It’s basically a license to proudly emote on a somewhat childish level rather than behave like a supposed adult. Being a geek is extremely liberating."
posted by jbickers at 8:55 AM on October 2, 2014 [36 favorites]

Before everyone departs, treat the group to your annual autumn tradition, the reading aloud of Colin Nissan’s It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers.


A++++++
posted by rollbiz at 8:57 AM on October 2, 2014 [7 favorites]

Tell you what, don't judge me for my interest in artisanal crafts and heirloom recipes and I won't judge you for watching reality TV and eating Applebee's, mmkay?
posted by entropicamericana at 8:57 AM on October 2, 2014 [5 favorites]

I dunno man, maybe because I've recently seen a lot of martha stewart things, but this seemed a pretty dead-on satire of not "people who love things and are doing those things", but instead of the "aspirational" lifestyle type crap; i.e., Martha Stewart's recipes that take 3 days of prep, and are displayed in $300 french crockery, etc.
posted by dejah420 at 8:58 AM on October 2, 2014 [20 favorites]

I won't judge you for watching reality TV and eating Applebee's, mmkay?

Don't make promises you can't keep.
posted by smackfu at 9:01 AM on October 2, 2014 [27 favorites]

If it’s local, we love it. If it’s handmade, we fetishize it. If it’s old, we worship it. If it’s baked in a wood-burning oven, painted on a salvaged farmhouse door, or hand-engraved on a pewter cup, we dig it.

I mean, I know this is a gag—and a good one!—but this all sounds perfectly delightful to me. I can think of many worse approaches to the world. I would totes go to a jam tasting called "That's my jam" and not even fucking blink. (But then I was raised by people who took this kind of thing pretty seriously.)
posted by octobersurprise at 9:02 AM on October 2, 2014 [14 favorites]

I tend to really dig it when people are really into the things that they love, the things that bring them pleasure. I tend to not dig making fun of people for being into the things they love.

No one is making fun of people for liking things. They're making fun of lifestyle magazines/blogs/whatevers that takes things people might genuinely like and turn them into a mishmash of fetishization and aspirational garbage that drains them of anything someone might reasonably enjoy. Having a jam tasting party is fine and could probably be a lot of fun. Reading in a magazine that you need to have a perfectly executed jam tasting party with a ridiculously over the top aesthetic including all the right signifiers of your socioeconomic class? That's worthy of a little ridicule.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:03 AM on October 2, 2014 [29 favorites]

Yeah, I think the satire here is directed at people who think that these are the kinds of parties you should be throwing, when most people are just ordering pizza and buying a case of beer. The lifestyle stuff annoys me in the same way that a lot of "beauty tips" annoy me - it's feeding insecurities by setting a standard that most people can't achieve.
posted by desjardins at 9:04 AM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

entropicamericana:

Tell you what, don't judge me for my interest in artisanal crafts and heirloom recipes and I won't judge you for watching reality TV and eating Applebee's, mmkay?

Deal. When I get snippy with all the people in my life and on MetaFilter that judge the fuck out of me you can consider yourself as not being included as a target.
posted by charred husk at 9:04 AM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

Also also, I'm reminded of "How to be an Anthro girl."
posted by octobersurprise at 9:08 AM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

Who the fuck cans berries?
posted by drlith at 9:08 AM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

Don't make promises you can't keep.

Okay, how about if I promise to only silently judge you?
posted by entropicamericana at 9:08 AM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]

(assuming there are humans 300 years from now, which gives us maybe more credit than we deserve)

I'm sure there will be hipster robot AI overlords who'll keep a few of us alive for nostalgia or the irony.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:10 AM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

Satire, shmatire - I can't wait for pot pie baked in cast iron weather.
posted by Space Kitty at 9:10 AM on October 2, 2014 [7 favorites]

The argument here seems to be moving the goalposts from "they don't like the right things" to "they are not liking the things I like in the right way," and I'm not sure that's an improvement.
posted by ardgedee at 9:11 AM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

I tend to really dig it when people are really into the things that they love, the things that bring them pleasure. I tend to not dig making fun of people for being into the things they love.

Yes, but that's not what this is a parody about. This is a parody of aspirational, middle class consumption culture.
posted by MartinWisse at 9:15 AM on October 2, 2014 [5 favorites]

Who the fuck cans berries?

I do! I can chokecherries. It's the only canning I ever do, and I do it for use in chokecherry syrup later. Because a good chokecherry crop is not a thing to waste.

You could also can berries for use for pie later, I guess.
posted by barchan at 9:16 AM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

There have been Martha Stewart parodies since there was Martha Stewart; there were some very funny books I used to have, actually. The Christmas one was especially good, as it recommended putting children in a festive holding cell for the duration of the party, since they would just mess up the decor.

But I still watch her cooking show when PBS airs it on Sundays. She's quite bearable if you're just watching her make bread, rather than mentally adding up the cost of her possessions. Cooking-show hosts always have sweet equipment and sparkling kitchens anyway, so it doesn't stand out the way a perfectly-arranged living room with thousands of dollars of artisnal whatnots does.

So what I'm saying is, I like handmade stuff, but there is a point at which it's just another class signifier; either you can afford to buy antique/organic/one-of-a-kind things, or you are well-off enough to invest lots of time and money into making them. Neither is a sin, but let's not pretend that just because people who used mason jars as glasses in the past were poor and thrifty, we are too. Nowadays, thrifty is plastic cups from the Dollar Store, not mason jars.
posted by emjaybee at 9:18 AM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

I can think of many worse approaches to the world.

Going local is inefficient and wasteful, handmade is inefficient and expensive, old is obsolete and in limit supply hence costly, wood-burning ovens, are you kidding me, what with the state of the rain forest being what it is, you want to burn more wood, and if you want proper jam join your local Women's Institute.
posted by MartinWisse at 9:18 AM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

Spotlight on HAY

That is STRAW

For the finest hay, gather it on the warmest evening after the fall equinox and before Thanksgiving, under a gibbous moon. At D&D, we’re partial to our local hay-grower’s bounty, which is not only organically grown and humanely harvested — it also comes hand-tied with lengths of Civil War-era twine, and it smells of history and courage.

That is also pretty funny.
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 9:21 AM on October 2, 2014 [17 favorites]

Not enough photos of beautiful people in their twenties standing with their arms dangling.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:25 AM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

"wood-burning ovens, are you kidding me, what with the state of the rain forest being what it is, you want to burn more wood"

I don't have a wood-burning oven but I do heat with wood, and that's one of the more ridiculous things I've heard in some time. People who don't live in or near the rainforest aren't burning wood from the rainforest, they're burning wood from (generally) much closer by to them than the oil, natural gas, or electricity originate from. Unlike the vast majority of ways you can run a stove or heat a house, wood is actually very easily renewable.
posted by rollbiz at 9:27 AM on October 2, 2014 [8 favorites]

I've.. been to jam tasting parties, both of the yrvan "lets make a crazy coffee and bourbon jam!" Type to literal county fair competitions with fierce eyes on first prize.
posted by The Whelk at 9:30 AM on October 2, 2014

Prep your veranda by misting the underside of the columns with calendula essence.

NSFW
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:33 AM on October 2, 2014 [11 favorites]

See also the recent crop of celebrity focused lifestyle sites like Blake Lively's Preserve.
posted by kmz at 9:34 AM on October 2, 2014

(Note: any jam tastings I go to are required to be called "That's My Jam". Because puns are my, well, you know...)
posted by kmz at 9:35 AM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

Super triple NSFW
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:36 AM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

I'm only skimming this thread, somebody bought preserves of Blake Lively to a jam tasting party? I don't think that's okay.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:36 AM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

This is like the roadies taking potshots at the retrogrouches, only from a home-arts perspective. I imagine someone in spandex and clipless shoes sitting on their 3-D printed divan snickering into his "convertible" Windows 8 tablet putting this together, sipping on his Soylent.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:39 AM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

I think the target here is rich white people who fetishize the implements of rural living without signing on for the 12 hour days of ceaseless, unrelenting backbreaking labor. It's just another form of appropriation. It's good fun to play Little House on the Prairie on the weekends at your summer cabin with an $8000 shopping budget for antique crockery. It's like striving for some kind of "authenticity" but doing it in the most consumerist way possible.

Of course, people can like whatever they like. But it's also a bit much and the mocking is pretty well deserved.
posted by SassHat at 9:39 AM on October 2, 2014 [6 favorites]

They're making fun of lifestyle magazines/blogs/whatevers that takes things people might genuinely like and turn them into a mishmash of fetishization and aspirational garbage that drains them of anything someone might reasonably enjoy.

The gag is funny because of the (gentle) satire, but also because if the Dagger & Dill were a magazine or a catalog I would probably read it. There's nothing necessarily wrong with aspirational fantasy—as fantasy. Some people like to play games and imagine they're space travellers or wizards; some people like to imagine they're gentle(wo)men farmers. If there's room for the furries there's room for the middle-class gardner-wanna-bes.

*Note all of those things are up for some degree of satire.

if you want proper jam join your local Women's Institute.

As if the women are just there to make you jam. Why I never ...
posted by octobersurprise at 9:40 AM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

Who the fuck cans berries?

* raises hand *

And tomatoes, and peaches and plums. And salsa. And I think I'll be making a couple different kinds of hot sauce and doing a quick single can of pickled beets this weekend.

wood-burning ovens, are you kidding me, what with the state of the rain forest being what it is, you want to burn more wood

....People with wood-burning stoves aren't importing teak from the Amazon for them, ya dink. Either they're saving stuff that blew down during storms or they're buying from a local guy who lives nearby and has access to a forest.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:40 AM on October 2, 2014 [9 favorites]

Who the fuck cans berries?

I do. Blueberry pie filling is pretty great.
posted by zamboni at 9:42 AM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

Haven't had a chance to read the full issue yet, but will say that I'm loving how healthful, socially and aesthetically-conscious living has become like, the new punk rock.
posted by Flashman at 9:43 AM on October 2, 2014

I think the target here is rich white people who fetishize the implements of rural living without signing on for the 12 hour days of ceaseless, unrelenting backbreaking labor.

Here it is again, mistaking "middle class" for "rich."
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:43 AM on October 2, 2014 [8 favorites]

I can berries too. Mostly blackcaps and raspberries. For pie or tarts or ice cream topping , or for using the syrup for cocktails.
posted by janell at 9:52 AM on October 2, 2014

I think the target here is rich white people who fetishize the implements of rural living without signing on for the 12 hour days of ceaseless, unrelenting backbreaking labor.

You know, there's a great idea for a new aspirational magazine here. Something like "Sickle & Dill," the magazine for people who aspire to wrest the implements of rural living from the ruling class and return them to the laborers!
posted by octobersurprise at 9:57 AM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]

Man, this made me giggle so hard AND pretty much wrapped up all of my fall artisan utopia fantasizing in less than 5 minutes. Plus, the photo at the end is really nice and is now my desktop image. Yay!
posted by kitcat at 10:00 AM on October 2, 2014

I...er...I would love to hold a jam-tasting party, as long as I didn't have to make the jam. That's not actually a bad idea, in fact, since virtually all my friends can eat jam - I could make some various vegan and gluten-free things to have the jam with, and I could make a jam-based ice cream topping and we could have, like, coconut sorbet with it, and I could make a salad dressing that contained a little of a tart jam. I bet if I got a jar of some kind of relish-like jam containing onions, I could make a savory sauce out of it and serve it with pasta and polenta.

This may in fact turn out to be my annual semi-Halloween party theme. (There's also a real Halloween party with costumes - I am going to be Young Professor X this year.)
posted by Frowner at 10:01 AM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

I am torn between being amused at parody and thinking "Dude, that's awesome hard core geeking" at the idea of someone doing any of that for real. But I really like people getting their geek on about non-stereotypically-geeky things.
posted by rmd1023 at 10:01 AM on October 2, 2014

I know this is a joke, but so many of these 'tips' could be used in a list of "What do city folk do when they move to the country and 'countrify' their houses that keeps them from being accepted by the locals"

Especially this one: "Use hay bales to accessorize antique farm equipment" Aside from the fact that a bail of straw is pictured, when I see people doing that, I think "This is a waste of good hay, and crap like this does nothing to help the rising cost of hay." (you'd be surprised how much just a $.50 increase in price per bail keeps some farmers and ranchers up at night, as it's the only alternative to the already expensive grain and feed prices) and when I see people letting old but salvageable tractors as decoration to rust in their yard, it's just a damn shame, and not pretty at all.

Our first tractor was a 1938 Allis-Chalmers WC that you had to start with a crank, and we used it for almost 12 years as our main tractor (don't even ask about starting it in winter), later moving up to the 'big time' to the 1948 WD model that actually had a starter. Newer tractors were out of our budget, as most of the smaller ones, even used, go for the price of a new car. Those tractors were fantastic workhorses, and were invaluable to our little setup. When I see them bought and left to rust as simply lawn decoration, it just pisses me off.

There's a respectable balance that can be struck, though. I don't want to seem like any kind attempt at a rural-themed aesthetic is offensive to me. It's just pretty clear to see the difference between when newcomers to the area are dressing their homes to impress their city friends when they visit, and people just doing things to make things looks nice.
posted by chambers at 10:03 AM on October 2, 2014 [10 favorites]

It may be a parody, but the calendula essence recommendation was spot-on. Did you know that it can be just the thing when you don't feel safe, and don't know why, or when you sense “holes” in your energetic “skin”. If you feel that your energy fields are unstable or need grounding - literally as in grounding electricity – Calendula Essence will be helpful.
posted by TedW at 10:08 AM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

"As the essence says of itself:
I AM clear and strong yet appropriately permeable boundaries."

I can't tell if your link is meant to be satire or not, TedW.
posted by merelyglib at 10:19 AM on October 2, 2014

There's a respectable balance that can be struck, though. I don't want to seem like any kind attempt at a rural-themed aesthetic is offensive to me. It's just pretty clear to see the difference between when newcomers to the area are dressing their homes to impress their city friends when they visit, and people just doing things to make things looks nice.

Some of the rural-aesthetic stuff come up with by people who are country folk ain't that great either, IMHO. I grew up in Bumfuck CT and now live in NYC and I've seen plenty of kitsch from both camps.

I've actually resolved that if I come into money and do end up getting a dream house in the Hudson Valley I'll actually be decorating with a Doctor Who aesthetic.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:22 AM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

I don't know which word I hate more now: artisanal or bespoke.
posted by detachd at 10:24 AM on October 2, 2014

Why choose?
posted by Kitteh at 10:28 AM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

Bespoke has an actual narrow definition in tailoring tho.

Artisanal just sounds made up.
posted by The Whelk at 10:30 AM on October 2, 2014 [6 favorites]

My brother hunts, makes his own wild game charcruterie - he cans and pickles. Both he and I are huge food guys - and love local seasonal stuff.

Magazines like Kinfolk are so disconnected with people who actually like this stuff - that the whole genre is ripe for parody. The first time I picked up Kinfolk - I had to look at it hard to make sure it was NOT parody. The article list included (no joking):

- Why its fun to eat with Old People (they are full of wisdoms)
- Boil expensive artisnal spices in a pot to make your house smell good
- Have a Brooklyn stoop dinner party by serving your guests on your front (preferably concrete) steps
- Pictorial of Hot Bearded Dad with wee tot chopping down christmas tree and taking it home in old Volvo wagon. (okay - I appreciated pictorial with Hot Bearded Dad)

Bespoke!!
posted by helmutdog at 10:34 AM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

Dear god TedW ! That link totally made my day!

(And I even use calendula deodorant for Pete's sake!)
posted by rock swoon has no past at 10:34 AM on October 2, 2014

Chambers, your comment just now reminds me of a conversation I recently had with a dude who found out I was from the country and who very earnestly inquired what it was like to "roll around in the hay." He proceeded to tell me this was an experience he felt he missed out on growing up in the city and really wanted to do this someday, and was curious what it was like.

And I just looked at him and said, "Fuck no! Who would want to have sex in hay?! It's dry and scratchy and there are things in there like rat shit and fucking snakes, and if it's loose like that it's to feed your animals," but he wouldn't believe, he just thought it would be awesome. I just knew he was picturing some picturesque evening in a barn after he got done chopping wood with his hatchet, with some woman in boots and Levi's - there'd be a lantern or something - you know, the kind of thing that lights hay on fire - and so I said, "Fine, you want the experience - let your lawn grow for two weeks, cut it, and then roll around in the grass clippings after they've dried out for a day or two. " And he looked at me with horror and said, "But that wouldn't be authentic."
posted by barchan at 10:36 AM on October 2, 2014 [15 favorites]

Many of these tips could easily have been cribbed directly from GOOP.
posted by yellowcandy at 10:38 AM on October 2, 2014

It's just a parody, folks. Being able to take a joke is what entails a sense of humor, remember.
posted by jonmc at 10:48 AM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

And he looked at me with horror and said, "But that wouldn't be authentic."

I wish there was some sort of TV show about city folk moving into their quaint country home that's right next to a couple large corn fields that look so picturesque, and they hear the farmer's tractor coming around in the spring, and captures that moment when they smell something odd, and then go outside, and they first learn about what 'manure spreading' is. Oh, I've seen it happen and it is hilarious - they are furious, they can't stand how the ammonia burns the inside of your nostrils, and will call the farmer, the county, and the sheriff to complain about the thousands of pounds of liquid manure lying just outside their home, and will often talk about it for days to anyone who will listen, and can't understand why no one else is bothered by it.

It's a rite of passage in a way. Eventually they realize that's just what happens when you live in the country, and they get used to it, the burning feeling goes away, and it's not a big deal anymore, garnering no more than a 'oh, they're spreading today,' and life goes on. But their first reactions to it always make me chuckle a bit.
posted by chambers at 10:58 AM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

chambers, would news about the Delo Tractor Restoration Competition make you feel better?
posted by helpthebear at 10:59 AM on October 2, 2014

But their first reactions to it always make me chuckle a bit.

Really the worst part of all that is how excited and enthusiastic the dogs always are to roll in it until every single inch of their fur is caked with poops. Somehow the manure spreading gods always know to do it right after the dog's had a bath.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:01 AM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]

I can't tell if your link is meant to be satire or not, TedW.

I fear it is completely serious.
posted by TedW at 11:03 AM on October 2, 2014

chambers, would news about the Delo Tractor Restoration Competition make you feel better?

That is good to see. People who buy those old tractors for restoration are cool by me. Even if they are no longer doing work and are just for shows and museums, they actually care about what it was designed for and invest in their preservation. My only beef is with the ones used as rusting decoration, and have no knowledge about it other than it's old, and it's a tractor, and it's authentic.
posted by chambers at 11:05 AM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

We become the things we hate, and we hate the things we become.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:07 AM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

And he looked at me with horror and said, "But that wouldn't be authentic."

The great illustration of this is Marcel Pagnol's Jean de Florette in which a hunchbacked man goes back to his mother's native village in Provence with all these dreams about the glory of the country.

There's a passage in the book where he is going on and on about the Authentic and meanwhile the peasant to whom he is talking is thinking 'what the hell is an Othentique? is it good to eat?'

That is what I always think of when people go on about authenticity - poor Jean de Florette riding for his terrible fall with a heart full of dreams that the country utterly crushes.
posted by winna at 11:14 AM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

And he looked at me with horror and said, "But that wouldn't be authentic."

The lesson here is how the pursuit of "authenticity" can take you to some very weird places.

Speaking of which, I was watching Bourdain in Shanghai the other night and one of the interviewees remarked that among his friends House of Cards was hugely popular. And I thought "Imagine that. A show about a guy from Gaffney is a hit in China." I hope the Chinese appropriate the shit out of Gaffney's culture. Maybe one day the Shanghai skyline will look like this.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:30 AM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

I wish there was some sort of TV show about city folk moving into their quaint country home that's right next to a couple large corn fields that look so picturesque, and they hear the farmer's tractor coming around in the spring, and captures that moment when they smell something odd, and then go outside, and they first learn about what 'manure spreading' is.

Actually there's a Chevy Chase movie called Funny Farm that may be similar. Despite that poster image, it's more of a subtle fish-out-of-water film than a zany madcap farce.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:51 AM on October 2, 2014

Who the fuck cans berries?

Me too. And a load of other stuff as well.

Also, when I was thinking about doing small-batch jams (no, really) I seriously considered, "That's my Jam", "Jam on It" and "Pump up the Jam."

I am indeed, a dork.
posted by Sophie1 at 12:07 PM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

I found myself reading this in Drew Droege's Chloe voice.
posted by underthehat at 12:10 PM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

I love making useful things. I love having and eating things that I have made and grown. I fucking love petting my chickens. Sue me. Despite BEING this person that is being parodied, I did enjoy the parody.

Frowner - My Hallowe'en theme this year is a Haunted Farm tour including artisanal witches' market selling free-range heebie jeebies and locally-raised, freshly harvested brain stew.
posted by Sophie1 at 12:20 PM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

Also, when I was thinking about doing small-batch jams (no, really) I seriously considered, "That's my Jam", "Jam on It" and "Pump up the Jam."

SPACE JAM

SPACE JAMS AND JELLIES
posted by capricorn at 12:22 PM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

"Rollerblading is a deliciously retro way to enjoy the paved areas in your local park — even better if you pack a tiny picnic, wear it on your back, and treat yourself to a gourmet mini-feast when you arrive at your favorite large, flat rock. An unhemmed burlap square or mid-century dishrag would make a nice napkin."

People here getting annoyed are almost as funny as the link.
posted by feste at 12:23 PM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

come on and SLAM and help yourself to JAM
posted by poffin boffin at 12:23 PM on October 2, 2014 [8 favorites]

Ram Jam's Blackberry Betty
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:26 PM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

Somehow the manure spreading gods always know to do it right after the dog's had a bath.

My wife tells a story about taking the dogs out to the training field to do some bird work, and when the lets the dogs out of the truck, they bolt out of the field, across the road in right into the freshly manure'd field.

They hit at a full sprint and slid across the ground on their backs just like it was a Slip-N-Slide.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 12:27 PM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]

come on and SLAM and help yourself to JAM

Oh god now I know what will be running through my head the rest of the day.

Everybody get up, it's time to JAM now!
We got the raspberry jam now welcome to the SPACE JAM.
It's your chance, currant jam at the SPACE JAM, all right.
posted by winna at 12:32 PM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

Just struck me: this isn't so much poking fun at the DIY movement itself, so much as it's poking fun at the William-Sonoma-izing of it. Because honestly, actual farmers are not die-stamping used newspaper to start seedlings, nor are they storing seeds in specially-designed envelopes or staking their tomatoes with handcrafted Scottish jute twine in a variety of colors or gathering eggs in a handwoven basket.

I guarantee you that actual farmers are wondering why the fuck you'd spend all that money when you can get twine from the hardware store (and who the fuck cares what COLOR it is, anyway), and the envelopes you use to mail letters work just fine for seeds and hey, they make boxes to store eggs in and the cardboardy egg-crate holders they make also are great for starting seedlings because they're already the right shape without you having to use a fucking wooden mold.

The Williams-Sonoma-izing is all about spending a buttload of money to get fancy-ass tools that let you play house with it, while actual DIY/farming is about using whatever the hell you got because it's not about what color your fucking twine is, it's about whether your produce or meat or honey or whatever tastes good.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:51 PM on October 2, 2014 [12 favorites]

I grew up on roller skates and then later roller blades came out but I wasn't a kid any more and never tried them and I've occasionally thought "I should try those things" and now they are "retro" ... oh no I'm old!
posted by freecellwizard at 1:03 PM on October 2, 2014

just get some heelies obvsly
posted by poffin boffin at 1:06 PM on October 2, 2014

How have we not linked to Posh Nosh yet?
posted by The Whelk at 1:15 PM on October 2, 2014 [5 favorites]

To be fair to Williams Sonoma, though - at least they've expanded their catalog to include the good ol' Ball Brand canning jars on top of the super-expensive German fancy-ass ones, and they no longer sell the Hammered Copper Jam-Making pot that sold for a cool couple hundred when they first started their "agrarian" line.

I use the cheap-ass stock pot my cousins got me for Christmas in 1995. People have given precisely zero fucks that I didn't used a hammered-copper pot.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:21 PM on October 2, 2014

Pssh. Can't Williams-Sonoma really crank up the authenticity and sell some handmade bespoke artisanal color-coordinated paper that's made from recycled newspaper that is *specially* designed to make paper pots? If not, you may as well go to Wal-Mart and buy your stuff there.
posted by rmd1023 at 1:22 PM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

(I have been canning, and brewing cider/beer/kombucha, making yogurt and generally doing All The Things from scratch so this was extra hilarious).

Special seed envelopes, though? That's crazy! You just leave 'em stuck to the paper towel and wad it up in the one drawer til next spring! Duh!
posted by bitter-girl.com at 1:41 PM on October 2, 2014

If you were really interested in getting back to nature you would eat them and then poop in the garden.
posted by poffin boffin at 1:43 PM on October 2, 2014 [4 favorites]

oh fuck im gonna start telling people i do that now and see how many of them panic over not being authentic enough in their urban farming

i'm so excited to be a terrible person
posted by poffin boffin at 1:44 PM on October 2, 2014 [5 favorites]

What's terrible is that I am now humming "running down the road trying to loosen my load."
posted by octobersurprise at 1:50 PM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

You actually can't use human waste as fertilizer for food crop unless the person is on a pretty strict vegetarian diet.
posted by The Whelk at 1:50 PM on October 2, 2014

ruiner stop ruining
posted by poffin boffin at 1:51 PM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

It just means you have be chosey.
posted by The Whelk at 1:52 PM on October 2, 2014

Think of them as "hand picked" and " farmer selected"
posted by The Whelk at 1:53 PM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

You actually can't use human waste as fertilizer for food crop unless the person is on a pretty strict vegetarian diet.

It strikes me that the likelihood of an agrarian-fetishist to also be vegan is probably quite high indeed.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:54 PM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

You actually can't use human waste as fertilizer for food crop unless the person is on a pretty strict vegetarian diet

I mean, you can, it's just not the best idea ever.
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:04 PM on October 2, 2014

Night soil has been used as fertilizer throughout history by a large number of societies around the world, many of them non-vegetarian. Tudor England for example.


However, you may wish to avoid the crudités.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:19 PM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

I tend to really dig it when people are really into the things that they love, the things that bring them pleasure.

I know I'm not a good person because I resent many people for being really into the things they love. I don't make fun but I do seethe internally.

Or, as Simon Pegg said...

Funny you mention him.
posted by mullacc at 2:30 PM on October 2, 2014

The Whelk: "You actually can't use human waste as fertilizer for food crop unless the person is on a pretty strict vegetarian diet."

270 days. Regular turns in drum break or heat disinfected.
posted by boo_radley at 2:46 PM on October 2, 2014

I'm sorry, I only can freegan organic produce from the dumpster at Whole Foods.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 2:47 PM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]

270 days. Regular turns in drum break or heat disinfected.

So I get a bingo drum to put the poo in and turn it every now and then for almost a year and I can use people manure?
posted by winna at 6:15 PM on October 2, 2014

*remove from recent activity*
posted by desjardins at 6:28 PM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]

Yeah, let's not be too harsh, it was pretty amusing and she says:

I think I read one too many articles about artisanal living and homemade quilts and burlap baby blankets and cast iron bacon. I snapped. And I made this:

(To be clear, I’m making fun of myself as much as anything here. Anything this little fake-mag resembles is probably something I actually subscribe to. I eat this stuff up, even while hating myself a little bit for it.)

posted by unliteral at 7:40 PM on October 2, 2014

You actually can't use human waste as fertilizer for food crop unless the person is on a pretty strict vegetarian diet

Once I poured diluted urine (my own) on a houseplant b/c I'd read in some organic-naturey publication that the nitrogen in it is a good fertilizer for plants. But I'm here to tell you that putting too much of your pee on your plants is definitely not good for them, nor is it something you want to have your roommate catch you doing.
posted by aka burlap at 8:44 PM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

So ... authentic, let's call it artisanal, human vegan excrement, how much do you think it would sell for?

Just idly curious, really.

(For an additional fee I will eat specific herbs and foodstuffs only for two days before creating your bespoke garden fertilizer.)

(Guaranteed small batch, single source, and organic.)
posted by kyrademon at 6:46 AM on October 3, 2014 [2 favorites]

This is KIND of related? Apparently the Madewell brand of clothing can't really trace its history back to 1937 as they claim - the people who run the place now are a J. Crew offshoot who bought the company name, but not the company, from the original founder.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:27 AM on October 3, 2014

... and KnightSoil is now trademarked and ready to go. In order to spread our brand evenly across the land, we are sending free sample in the mail to each and every one of you right now!

(Take part in an age-old, cruelty-free, entirely natural fertilization process with KnightSoil: The Human Touch.)
posted by kyrademon at 12:46 PM on October 3, 2014

One of the things I like about my primary care practice is that as part of your annual physical they give you an at-home stool sample kit that you send to the lab THROUGH THE MAIL. I am normally pretty disdainful of potty humor, but for some reason the idea of mailing poop just tickles the ... uh ... shit out of me.
posted by drlith at 6:45 PM on October 3, 2014

This faux-naïf centerpiece was the trademark of Huck Thigg, the young florist, who would present the Bavardages with a bill for $3,300 for this one dinner party.
posted by ovvl at 7:38 PM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]