Annoying beasts and where to find them

October 3, 2014 8:03 AM

The CIAs' Bestiary of Intelligence Writing (PDF) is an illustrated guide of buzzwords written by CIA employee ███████ and published in 1982 in the Agency's newsletter "Studies in Intelligence": Older employees may recall that when the Headquarters Building was being constructed, guard dogs stalked the corridors by night to sniff out trespassers. Practically no one is aware, however, of the collection of strange fauna in a corner of a sub-basement, the location of which must remain secret. This collection known as the Bestiary of Intelligence Writing, consists of specimen samples of cliches and misused or overused word combinations that CIA editors have encountered frequently over the years. More information about the bestiary at War is Boring.

The 15 beasties:

• A multidisciplinary analysis looks like two or more conventional one-dimensional analyses welded together.
• Viable alternatives, nature's born troubleshooters, are moody and shy.
• Mounting crises are frequently detected by intelligence analysts, but genuine crises are rare, and most sightings probably are of the larval form, known as problems and difficulties.
• Legless creatures, parameters must be "established" by the analyst, who typically places them at the fringes of activity.
• Heightened tensions are easily recognized by their elongated shape - conventional tensions teetering about on stilts.
• Dire straits are another of nature's unpleasant beasties, notable primarily for their large mouths, voracious appetites, and penchant for ambushing the unwary.
• The far-reaching implication is an animal that governments often ignore because of its odd physiognomy: its body tends to be ethereal, and most of its substance is concentrated in long mandibles, or arms.
• One of the most awe-inspiring creatures is the available evidence, sometimes called the available information, which intelligence analysts frequently use to support shaky conclusions.
• Foreseeable futures are the favorite pets of political and economic forecasters.
• The almost inevitable, cousin to the virtually certain, is an indoor pest of the genus eventuality that has defied man's eradication efforts since the Dawn of Time.
• Analysts and bookies are fond of ferreting out nonstarters, those unfortunate beasts that because of their physiognomy are destined never to enter, much less win, a contest.
• Economic constraints have become a common pest in the 1980s after being introduced into this country following World War II by soldiers returning from Europe.
• Broad outlines are gluttonous predators that feed on the imaginations of professors, students, and political analysts.
• The net effect is a hybrid beast of burden developed by political scientists jealous of the net assessment that Secretary of Defense McNamara's "whiz kids" bred in the Pentagon basement in the early 1960s.
• The overwhelming majority is the best known of a species of draft animal used by many analysts to carry the burden of their argument and analysis. Its popularity stems from its versatility: it can believe, support, and advocate.

posted by elgilito (12 comments total)

the guard dog handler walked back the cat to find the mole?
posted by bruce at 8:37 AM on October 3, 2014

This is FANTASTIC.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:42 AM on October 3, 2014

Previously: The CIA is a prescriptivist scold.
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:43 AM on October 3, 2014

Words of Estimative Probability

I didn't know that a lawsuit had spurred the release of many documents. This explains the recent trickle.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 8:54 AM on October 3, 2014

oh good lord this is now making the rounds of my tech writer colleagues at work. The HVAC has been taken down for maintenance and so I can hear all the snorts, chuckles and lolz as they page through it.
posted by lonefrontranger at 9:21 AM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

Dire straits are another of nature's unpleasant beasties, notable primarily for their large mouths, voracious appetites, and penchant for ambushing the unwary.
...and one of Rock's best guitarists.
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:22 AM on October 3, 2014

This is brilliant and hilarious. I love that the authors are redacted!
posted by marienbad at 12:09 PM on October 3, 2014

I've never quite understood the case of Studies in Intelligence since it doesn't adhere to the rigorous paragraph-by-paragraph standard of classifying information with clear sourcing of the classification authority. As a result, it doesn't lend itself very well to the review and declassification process. This article isn't something that should have been protected for 32 years.
posted by crapmatic at 12:18 PM on October 3, 2014

This article isn't something that should have been protected for 32 years.

It may be relevant that it's been only in the last 30 or so years that we've decided to realize that some CIA employees possess a sense of humor.

I can't wait to find out what the NSA thinks is funny.
posted by mule98J at 2:18 PM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

I can't wait to find out what the NSA thinks is funny.

You already know what the NSA thinks is funny. It's that charming silly thing you do on the phone with your partner at the end of every call when nobody else is around to hear.
posted by srboisvert at 6:27 PM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]

privacy.

That's not funny.
posted by NSA at 9:11 PM on October 3, 2014 [4 favorites]

Its eponysterical
posted by infini at 3:11 AM on October 4, 2014