6 months - 1 year: Appearance of Vengeance Limbs
October 10, 2014 9:42 AM   Subscribe

 
I didn't even have to click on that to know that Mallory Ortberg wrote it. So great.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 9:48 AM on October 10, 2014 [9 favorites]


So we're getting a Mallory Ortberg post on metafilter every few days now. This is unquestionably a good thing. Have we considered building a shrine of some kind?

My friends with kids tell me that the staring at ghosts phase is real and quite normal.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 9:49 AM on October 10, 2014 [15 favorites]


Do not google "caul."
posted by HumanComplex at 9:49 AM on October 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


Here's my number, caul me maybe.
posted by dr_dank at 9:51 AM on October 10, 2014 [12 favorites]


Oh, finally! An actual Best of the Web.
posted by Poppa Bear at 9:53 AM on October 10, 2014


Do not google "caul."

Someone didn't play enough Wraith: The Oblivion in high school.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 9:53 AM on October 10, 2014 [4 favorites]


Sometimes I want to literally grab people by the back of their necks and drag them to the nearest monitor so they can read whatever Mallory Ortberg just wrote. I realize she may be a little overexposed on the blue at this point but I was like GAH I CAN'T NOT POST THIS
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:54 AM on October 10, 2014 [6 favorites]


I don't get it. Is this a satire of some kind of subculture?
posted by shivohum at 9:56 AM on October 10, 2014


I figure somebody should just write a script that posts to Metafilter any time Mallory Ortberg publishes anything. I'm only half-joking.
posted by jokeefe at 9:57 AM on October 10, 2014 [10 favorites]


I'm waiting for the Breaking Bad mashup: Better Caul Saul
posted by exogenous at 9:58 AM on October 10, 2014 [8 favorites]


Someone didn't play enough Wraith: The Oblivion in high school.

Wraith was always my favorite WoD setting. I'd still like to play it as a psycho-dungeon crawler one day (they released a splat book to this effect called Doomslayers I think? Dive into the Labyrinth and kick arse for Stygia)
posted by curious nu at 10:01 AM on October 10, 2014


I don't get it. Is this a satire of some kind of subculture?

It looks like she's gunning for Cecil's job on Welcome to Nightvale.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 10:02 AM on October 10, 2014 [13 favorites]


God, I hate these sorts of Child development milestone charts. I mean, not every kid does everything at the same time. My Child, for example, did not start hiding "in chimney for upwards of 2-3 weeks at a time" until He was nearly a year old. All we did was worry. We called in Early Intervention, but their High Priestess was all like "don't worry, all kids develop differently" - but that didn't help when all of our friends' Children were already handling small knives.

When He finally got His vengeance limbs we were so relieved.

Moral of the story: don't take this too seriously, your Child is unique, and will devour the moon and stars in His or Her own time.
posted by blahblahblah at 10:04 AM on October 10, 2014 [81 favorites]


So often I read child developmental milestone lists and come away worried about my son's future.

I found great comfort in this post. Thank you.
posted by vorpal bunny at 10:07 AM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


Jinx blahblahblah. You owe me the still beating heart of a virgin. (And a Dr. Pepper)
posted by vorpal bunny at 10:09 AM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


don't take this too seriously, your Child is unique, and will devour the moon and stars in His or Her own time.


I'm going to be hard-pressed to not write this in every "Congratulations on your baby" card/gift I ever give.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:10 AM on October 10, 2014 [29 favorites]


FANTASTIC.
I am 40 weeks and two days pregnant and this is exactly the information I need to guide me through the next few months.
posted by Adridne at 10:10 AM on October 10, 2014 [22 favorites]


These are the only children permitted in the Dog Park.
posted by delfin at 10:16 AM on October 10, 2014 [11 favorites]


I'm going to be hard-pressed to not write this in every "Congratulations on your baby" card/gift I ever give.

I just realized that this link is perfect to post on the fb of my oldest and dearest friend, who is expecting her first child in a few months.
posted by rtha at 10:17 AM on October 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


My mom once said she wished "arms" came as an aftermarket add-on for babies that you had installed at 6 to 12 weeks, because before that all they do is get in the way and piss the baby off.

Vengeance Limbs made me think of it. :)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:22 AM on October 10, 2014 [11 favorites]


Is this something I'd need to still be fertile to understand?
posted by infini at 10:27 AM on October 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


osutein · 2 hours ago
I mean, I'm not trying to judge your choices as a parent, but if you'd breastfed your child then she'd probably be able to make a chimney out of dust and the tears of dying men.


Great comments over there on the toast good job toasties
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:33 AM on October 10, 2014 [14 favorites]


Moral of the story: don't take this too seriously, your Child is unique, and will devour the moon and stars in His or Her own time.

It is worth remembering the oft-cited case of Albert Einstein, who got on swimmingly with the Cunning Folk until the age of seven.
posted by dogurthr at 10:51 AM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


My mom once said she wished "arms" came as an aftermarket add-on for babies that you had installed at 6 to 12 weeks, because before that all they do is get in the way and piss the baby off.

So according to the book A Thousand Days of Wonder, babies literally have no control over their limbs until 6 to 12 weeks. Before that, the arms are controlled by the back of the brain, where you handle respiration, heartbeat, and everything else that, to quote the author "is too important to leave up to the conscious mind." Somewhere around three months, control moves to the forebrain, and then babies have the interesting cognitive stage in which they figure out that their hands are part of them, and not just household pets that follow them around all the time. This, apparently, is part of why rattles are so great: having a noise makes it easy for the baby to connect "I had an impulse," to "and then my hand moved."
posted by ThatFuzzyBastard at 11:03 AM on October 10, 2014 [13 favorites]


I realize she may be a little overexposed on the blue at this point but I was like GAH I CAN'T NOT POST THIS

I think "overexposed" applies to people who are getting more attention than they deserve. However the amount of attention that Mallory Ortberg deserves is infinite. Infinite attention.
posted by medusa at 11:06 AM on October 10, 2014 [11 favorites]


your Child is unique, and will devour the moon and stars in His or Her own time.

Katamari Damacy anyone?
posted by RolandOfEld at 11:17 AM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


ThatFuzzyBastard: "So according to the book A Thousand Days of Wonder, babies literally have no control over their limbs until 6 to 12 weeks."

EXACTLY so before that they're like "THESE WEIRD SPIDER THINGS KEEP WAVING AROUND IN FRONT OF MY FACE AND WHAPPING ME IN THE HEAD AND SCRATCHING MY CHEEKS WITH THEIR TINY SHARP DEMON NAILS AND WHY WON'T IT STOP I HAAAAAAATE IT!!!!!!" and so you pull their arms out of the way and they're like "SOMETHING IS HOLDING ON TO ME IN SOME PLACE AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT IS BUT I DON'T LIKE IT!!!!!" and either way they're screaming their heads off about it and then you try to put them into a shirt so they don't freeze to death and you've got to get the arms into the arm holes and it is like, this is like trying to shove an angry octopus into a sweatsock.

99% of the purpose of swaddling is that babies can't acquire aftermarket arms and you've got to control those damn things until they grow out of the enraged octopus stage.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:18 AM on October 10, 2014 [24 favorites]


Oh, I remember the Tiny Mittens phase. Little proto-person, stop trying to gouge your own eyes out! OK, you're going to continue lashing about? Here, wear these tiny, adorable mittens.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:26 AM on October 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


medusa: "I think "overexposed" applies to people who are getting more attention than they deserve. However the amount of attention that Mallory Ortberg deserves is infinite. Infinite attention."

I tend to agree, but there's already a site that has that covered, it's called The Toast.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 11:27 AM on October 10, 2014 [7 favorites]


And a warning to future parents: the "racoon hands" phase lasts quite a while.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:27 AM on October 10, 2014


Shoos f_l_t away from the garbage can...
posted by smidgen at 11:39 AM on October 10, 2014


until they grow out of the enraged octopus stage

My sons are 7 and 9. Are you saying this will eventually happen?
posted by The Bellman at 12:09 PM on October 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


On a lighter note, and while we're talking about hands being weird, I have long proposed a 'jam-gland' phase that starts around age one. Termination of this phase is variable. (Jam glands are in hands and around the mouth.)
(Also I am not a parent but I'm increasingly aunting.)
posted by cobaltnine at 12:11 PM on October 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


I might nearly almost feel about Mallory Ortberg what I'm told I should feel about Lena Dunham. She might be the "voice of my generation" if there is such a thing.
posted by wrabbit at 12:24 PM on October 10, 2014 [1 favorite]


Do not google "caul."

My daughter was born "under the caul" as the mid-wife called it. It is one of the freakiest and single most horrifying things I've ever witnessed. All I remember after seeing it and all of the blood is asking the doctor if my wife was going to be ok because I was sure she was dying. My wife had no clue and when I told her later she just shrugged it off like I was crazy.

Happy to report my daughter shed her vengeance limb after 12 months and has been an angel ever since.
posted by photoslob at 12:26 PM on October 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


And a warning to future parents: the "racoon hands" phase lasts quite a while.

City raccoon or country raccoon?
posted by briank at 12:32 PM on October 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


Haha so my baby did actually stare at the blank wall and smile and even laugh at it. Just that wall. That was absolutely blank. And he was very serious the rest of the time. Peekaboo, nothing; let's look at the wall, mom. THE WALL. MY FRIEND THE WALL.

We moved when he was a baby and never did it again, so I don't know if he outgrew it, or if the ghosts of former tenants had to find someone else to play with.
posted by emjaybee at 12:40 PM on October 10, 2014 [14 favorites]


I don't get it. Is this a satire of some kind of subculture?

nah it's just fun jokes about demon infants in October

the comments riff on parenting forums/websites though
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:43 PM on October 10, 2014 [2 favorites]


And certain of the tags wink at Jerome Bixby's "It's a Good Life."
posted by Iridic at 1:16 PM on October 10, 2014


If we convince Mallory Ortberg to join Mefi we can skip the overhead of having to post links to her stuff and get it direct in the comments. Assuming she's got 5 bucks, of course.
posted by tommasz at 1:23 PM on October 10, 2014 [10 favorites]


Do not google "caul."

google roan caul
posted by pyramid termite at 5:26 PM on October 10, 2014 [3 favorites]


photoslob: "My daughter was born "under the caul" as the mid-wife called it."

Yeah, ok, don't freak out too much, but your daughter is going to be a witch, or just have very good luck, or possibly become a vampire at some point. It's a bit unclear, but probably nothing to worry about.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 2:29 AM on October 11, 2014 [1 favorite]


Being born with a caul is supposed to be proof against drowning, according to David Copperfield.
posted by emjaybee at 7:17 PM on October 11, 2014


Well, yes - someone who doesn't drown is a witch! Or a very small rock.
posted by rtha at 7:49 PM on October 11, 2014 [1 favorite]


So my daughter who is three has an imaginary sister named Rapunzel who lives in Oregon.

Today I gave her many hi-fives for putting on her pajamas by herself (normal pajamas, not spectral raiment [she understandably still has a difficult time with the Enchantment of Hermetic Clothing) and after we finished with people hi-fives she says 'OK I'm going to go hi-five Rapunzel.'

Since Rapunzel seems to phase shift all around the house at will I suggested instead that she hi-five the poster of Doc McStuffins on the wall.

She walked to the wall, feebly touched the hand of the good doctor, turned to me and said 'Daddy - Doc McStuffins is only pretend.'

The implications of this revelation in relation to her supposedly-imaginary sister are both startling and exciting.
posted by Tevin at 10:28 PM on October 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


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