Express yourself sexually in an ill-fitting wig.

October 31, 2014 8:52 AM

The Cut presents 14 Halloween costume hookup stories. Something Awful's FASHION SWAT on costumes for cats.
posted by The Whelk (33 comments total)

Five Tips for a Safe and Sexy Halloween for Your Cat or Dog (SLToast)
posted by divined by radio at 9:12 AM on October 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

I live with one of the most adorable cats in the world and wish to God I could put her in a costume. The one year we tried to put her in a clown costume and all I have to show for it is a magnificent photo that clearly says THIS IS COMING OFF NOW.
posted by Kitteh at 9:16 AM on October 31, 2014

My wife and I first hooked up 9 years ago today. I was dressed as Carl. She was dressed as a groupie, which meant a big fir coat and sunglasses with blown out hair and cleavage. We were both avoiding previous hookups. I think I got the better end of the deal.
posted by Uncle at 9:26 AM on October 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

I am very upset and disappointed by all my friends who have thoughtlessly and cruelly neglected to dress up their pets and send me photos. I have had to make do with far less adorable and entertaining photos of the slobbery infants of various relatives.

never before have i been the victim of such a gruesome injustice
posted by poffin boffin at 9:32 AM on October 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

Santa Claus is the best hookup costume.
posted by infinitewindow at 9:36 AM on October 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

I always forget how hard SWAT makes me laugh. Love those features so much.
posted by penduluum at 9:49 AM on October 31, 2014

Uncle: " a big fir coat "

???? ??????? ?? ???
posted by boo_radley at 10:04 AM on October 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

The only time I wish I had declawed my cat was the Halloween I tried to put antlers horns on her head. Deep gashes across my forearm and bite marks on my hand. I learned a lesson. Halloween is not her favorite holiday. It is Christmas/Hanukkah. Loves to play with the bows and wrapping paper. She is too proper to dress up.
posted by 724A at 10:11 AM on October 31, 2014

Uncle: " a big fir coat "
???? ??????? ?? ???

ug fine I can't spell for crap. Fur. A big coat made out of fir trees would probably be less comfortable.
posted by Uncle at 10:23 AM on October 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

I am going as sexy Aphex Twin; will report back if I hook up with anyone dressed as drag Taylor Swift.
posted by en forme de poire at 10:26 AM on October 31, 2014 [6 favorites]

In 2008 I dressed as the Democratic Party, then got very drunk and totally ruined my costume (mostly just a recycled ass's head from Midsummer Night's Dream, plus a cheap suit). Perhaps a dreadful premonition of liberal disappointment with Obama??
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:29 AM on October 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

At a Neil-Gaiman-character-themed party celebrating the publication of American Gods, I came as the Wyvern that the guards the gate to the Dreaming. She came as Death (already alabaster pale and dark-haired, she needed no make-up other than eyeliner to be a dead ringer.) Yes, it was both as gothy and nerdy as it sounds.

I later learned that a group of friends of mine were also there that night, and had seen me, but I was "having a conversation with some girl that looked so intense they decided not to interrupt".

Thirteen years later, we are still together.
posted by kyrademon at 10:30 AM on October 31, 2014 [12 favorites]

Uncle: "A big coat made out of fir trees would probably be less comfortable."

SEXY CHRISTMAS TREE

SEXY YULE LOG

showbiz_liz: "In 2008 I dressed as the Democratic Party"

a doormat with Droopy dog on it?
posted by boo_radley at 10:33 AM on October 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

SEXY FRUITCAKE
posted by The Whelk at 10:48 AM on October 31, 2014

SEXY WICKER MAN

SEXY BEAN PIE
posted by boo_radley at 10:49 AM on October 31, 2014

SEXY SEX PERSON
posted by The Whelk at 10:50 AM on October 31, 2014 [7 favorites]

Sexy abstinence in school education requirement.
posted by ardgedee at 10:54 AM on October 31, 2014

How is there not a metafilter variety show?
posted by boo_radley at 10:54 AM on October 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

When I get my time machine online, my fifth trip to the past will be to visit my 19 year old self and tell him, "Dude - you are in the prime of your life and as skinny as you will ever be. You will be dressed as Jesus for the costume party this weekend and there will be two cute girls dressed as an angel and a devil who will be totally into hanging out on your arms and DONT FUCK IT UP BY GETTING SO DRUNK AS TO THINK SINGING SHOW TUNES FROM LES MIZ ON THE ROOF IS A GOOD USE OF THE PRIME OF YOUR LIFE."
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:02 AM on October 31, 2014 [13 favorites]

(also, I'd tell Past Me to bet the farm on the Sox winning the World Series in 2004 after Game 3 of the AL Championship.)
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:05 AM on October 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

For future reference, please do not post Fashion Swat links when I'm having a busy day. Thank you.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:14 AM on October 31, 2014

I am going as sexy Aphex Twin; will report back if I hook up with anyone dressed as drag Taylor Swift.

I'm going as shoegaze Rihanna
posted by threeants at 11:49 AM on October 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

threeants: "I'm going as shoegaze Rihanna"

Normcore GWAR
posted by boo_radley at 12:04 PM on October 31, 2014 [8 favorites]

I met my wife at a Halloween party. I wore a suit, a giant gift bow, and a tag that read "FROM: GOD, TO: WOMEN."

I won the prize for "scariest costume" by a landslide.

We didn't get together that night. It would have made a better story if we had, but that costume was just too much to overcome.
posted by Harvey Jerkwater at 12:23 PM on October 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

"The lobster left with the dog."

Ok, that was totally worth it.
posted by RedOrGreen at 12:25 PM on October 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

I loved The Cut's stories, but started pretending to read the phrase "reader, i married him" at the end of each story and found myself giggling helplessly.
posted by Joey Michaels at 12:32 PM on October 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

I met my boyfriend dressed as Katy Perry a couple days before Halloween (California Gurls video-style, with blue wig; and cupcake bra over a long sleeved shirt because Chicago=cold). Thought it would be just a single fun night; saw him again two nights later at a different bar with the same crowd, using the same blue wig for an anime girl costume.

I have short and not-at-all-blue hair in real life. I was worried he wouldn't like me once all the false eyelashes and wig came off. But here we are, 2 years later, living together and still going to those same two bars where we met.
posted by misskaz at 1:32 PM on October 31, 2014

I've really been doing Halloween wrong, it seems.
posted by the jam at 1:41 PM on October 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

It turns out that if you dress your dog up in your vest, he will pee in your vest.
posted by willF at 3:19 PM on October 31, 2014 [3 favorites]

These would be PERFECT if they were illustrated by the Pathetic Geek Stories cartoonist!
posted by Corduroy at 5:56 PM on October 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

Then I gave a studious blow job to a guy who turned out to be gay. Hey, it happens.

You think?
posted by Dip Flash at 8:32 PM on October 31, 2014

I am very upset and disappointed by all my friends who have thoughtlessly and cruelly neglected to dress up their pets and send me photos.

Buzzfeed wants to help you out. My favourite is number 45, and 31 is also excellent.
posted by shelleycat at 12:50 AM on November 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

I didn't wear a costume on Halloween. I did not go out or attend any parties though if I had, my civilian-clothed self was going to go as Not All Men.
posted by Spatch at 2:49 AM on November 1, 2014 [1 favorite]