this is the worst orgy ive ever been to

November 6, 2014 5:52 PM

Women Having A Terrible Time At Parties In Western Art History [The Toast]
posted by DarlingBri (45 comments total)

Oh my goodness this series is roughly my favorite thing

thank you so much
posted by DoctorFedora at 6:05 PM on November 6, 2014 [6 favorites]

Having a hard time deciding which of these is my favorite, but I think it's the lady semi-facepalming and going

okay
okay hah ahh okay
so i think this is going to be my life now
okay
so that’s
okay i can do this

because yep.
posted by Hold your seahorses at 6:06 PM on November 6, 2014 [15 favorites]

BWAMP BWAMP BWAMP
posted by lazaruslong at 6:14 PM on November 6, 2014 [1 favorite]

I saw an image online and thought how interesting it is that many painting throughout Western art history are called The Conversation or Two People Flirting or The Couple. You’re clearly meant to see this as a pleasant interaction, but the look on the woman’s face is so clearly, “Someone, please, for the love of God, get me out of here. I wish I were dead.” I don’t want to make sweeping generalisations, but I love the idea that basically for 600 years of Western European art, male artists were thinking, ‘That’s the look women always have on their face when you talk to them. That’s not boredom, that’s just their listening face.’

On how she got the idea for the series.
posted by jeather at 6:15 PM on November 6, 2014 [81 favorites]

Now I know where our office manager stole these from.
posted by briank at 6:17 PM on November 6, 2014

Funny as always, but I'm stunned at the technique for the dress in (what is apparently, thanks TinEye) Millais' The Black Brunswicker - the detail on that silver dress is amazing. Any art history mefites know anything about it?

I know this is a normal thread and I'm ruining it with art questions.
posted by angerbot at 6:18 PM on November 6, 2014 [3 favorites]

More (not necessarily exhaustive; I got tired of clicking "next") selections from the same series:
*Women Rejecting Marriage Proposals in Western Art History
*Unsatisfied Women in Western Art History
*Women Wearing Spectacular Hats in Western Art History
*Unhappy Mothers in Western Art History
*Women Who Want to be Alone in Western Art History
*Women Trying To Sleep Unsuccessfully In Western Art History
posted by Hold your seahorses at 6:22 PM on November 6, 2014 [28 favorites]

Hats win.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:26 PM on November 6, 2014

Mallory Ortberg is easily the best internet thing I discovered in 2014.
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:39 PM on November 6, 2014 [12 favorites]

I'm stunned at the technique for the dress in (what is apparently, thanks TinEye) Millais' The Black Brunswicker

I like that you can see exactly how not ironed that dress is. It makes me feel better about how not ironed all of my clothes are.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 6:49 PM on November 6, 2014 [5 favorites]

Mallory Ortberg is easily the best internet thing I discovered in 2014.

I'm right there with you, but I'm starting to feel a little icky about how I feel about her, because every new thing of hers I read is accompanied by a mental Is she Single? Is she Single? Is she Single? and I am ashamed.
posted by mudpuppie at 6:51 PM on November 6, 2014 [4 favorites]

These captions clear up so much for me about art.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:10 PM on November 6, 2014

*Women Rejecting Marriage Proposals in Western Art History

Spectacular. ("lol bye.")
posted by RedOrGreen at 7:18 PM on November 6, 2014

Christ, what an asshole.
posted by drlith at 7:42 PM on November 6, 2014 [1 favorite]

"twenty more minutes and i’ll have made it through this entire night without talking to any–fuck, fuck, the dog sees me"
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 7:49 PM on November 6, 2014 [10 favorites]

On the 'ring is not big enough' picture in the 'women rejecting marriage proposals' series, it's curious that she makes no mention of how her hand is, well, in his purse.
posted by Anything at 8:01 PM on November 6, 2014 [1 favorite]

yeah, agreed! These were all great, but on that one she weirdly missed a major and weird thing about the picture!
posted by aka burlap at 8:35 PM on November 6, 2014

Does anyone know who painted the one with the woman's hand in the purse? There's an auction listing for it but it just says "Deutscher Meister 16. Jhdt. Das ungleiche Paar. Öl/Holz, 42 x 29 cm".
posted by dilaudid at 8:53 PM on November 6, 2014

I don't know who painted that particular picture, but it's part of a larger genre of inappropriate marriage pairings, which was itself a topic of some concern in Protestant Europe in the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries. For some interesting essays on the topic, see the recent volume edited by David Luebke and Mary Lindemann.
posted by pleasant_confusion at 9:09 PM on November 6, 2014 [2 favorites]

Can't believe "worst orgy" wasn't Rape of the Sabine Women.
posted by telstar at 9:09 PM on November 6, 2014

Though maybe read wrong, and she does in fact allude to it -- 'ring is not big enough' could be read as being implicitly extended with '..so let me balance the deal by taking some more from here.'
posted by Anything at 9:11 PM on November 6, 2014

No ... the joke is that these are supposed to be depictions of pleasant interactions in art, but inevitably there is something off or odd about them. The rape of the Sabine Women isn't supposed to be pleasant or convivial.
posted by ChuraChura at 9:27 PM on November 6, 2014 [7 favorites]

Another thing I learned today is that are so many versions of that painting. Was it an art school exercise?
posted by telstar at 9:34 PM on November 6, 2014

Looking at this series has the unintended effect of making me mad at how many times women are gratuitously painted as naked or topless in Western art. Yes, women have boobs, get over it stupid male artist! We mostly don't walk around with them hanging out for your personal gratification - oh right, this isn't meant to be representational, this is clearly all Mary Sue fantasy land. How silly of me.
posted by Athanassiel at 10:43 PM on November 6, 2014 [1 favorite]

Now do one with impressionist portraits! Now do all the other paintings! Including abstract shapes! What are their feelings? Mallory Ortberg captions all art, the book. Here is my money.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:30 PM on November 6, 2014 [11 favorites]

Hold your seahorses:
That.
That was totally the wrong thing to read during NaNoWriMo
Seriously
My heroine is going to talk like that now
I just thought you should know
posted by happyroach at 12:32 AM on November 7, 2014 [2 favorites]

Wow.
posted by wrawscom at 4:14 AM on November 7, 2014

These are fantastic!

no, Marguerite
now that it is I who wears the largest hat
it is I who must go first
and you who must go behind
posted by kjs4 at 5:01 AM on November 7, 2014 [3 favorites]

I guess Manet's Luncheon on the Grass is just too obvious to be on this list.

"Shit. Why did fucking Jacques tell me it was a fucking naked picnic? The prick. And why did I totally fall for it? I'm freezing. No-one's talking to me. And the food sucks. Worst picnic in the park. Ever."
posted by Sonny Jim at 5:26 AM on November 7, 2014 [4 favorites]

If you’re in the midst of dealing with a sucky man situation, expressing anger about sexism or structural inequality is the surest way to get yourself and your point of view relegated to the “crazy angry lady” category where your tone will be labeled shrill and your opinions summarily dismissed.

This is the conundrum many women find themselves navigating: we regularly experience an anger we can only partially credit and only in certain contexts safely or successfully articulate. That anger needs to go somewhere. It needs different modes. It needs, often, satire.

- LA Review of Books review of Texts from Jane Eyre
posted by ChuraChura at 7:10 AM on November 7, 2014 [5 favorites]

I guess Manet's Luncheon on the Grass is just too obvious to be on this list.

She did it in Women Listening to Men.

how can you say that

how can you say I’m not paying attention

i just took off my clothes and threw the fruit basket to help me focus

I don't know how she keeps track of which ones she's done. Or how she finds new ones.
posted by jeather at 7:26 AM on November 7, 2014 [4 favorites]

these.are.awesome. And I too am a total lover of this series. absolutely brilliant, all of them. I find it oddly comforting that women in paintings from across the centuries feel EXACTLY like I do at times!
posted by bluesky43 at 8:03 AM on November 7, 2014

‘That’s the look women always have on their face when you talk to them. That’s not boredom, that’s just their listening face.’


I have a similar theory about many of Frans Snyders' still life paintings.


"Well, looks like those monkeys are back again. Guess they're going to be in this painting, too." *continues grinding pigment*
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:14 AM on November 7, 2014 [3 favorites]

is he wearing red tights
is this man seriously wearing red tights while he proposes at me

These are all seriously great.
posted by adamp88 at 8:38 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]

Hah! What a weird array of monkeys. I assume they're taxidermied (by someone who thought that monkeys hiss like cats)? Otherwise, what the heck would some Dutch guy be doing with a very angry Roloway monkey, capuchin monkey, marmoset, and vervet monkey? Also - weirdly - it looks like he has both a Roloway monkey and a Diana monkey. They're practically the same monkey, except Roloways have beards. And in that last painting of a Diana monkey, why is the Capuchin's ear pierced?
posted by ChuraChura at 8:41 AM on November 7, 2014

I love love love this series and was crying with laughter at the first one I saw (I've looked at them all so much I don't remember my entryway list and I revisit them when I need a laugh). I've sent them to people and they either never responded or were like meh or huh? and it has been kinda frustrating. These just scream brilliance and hilarity but I guess not everyone can hear it. So it's dogs and cats and goats for everyone else, and I'll just come here for my Mallory appreciation. Thanks for being you, everyone!
posted by danabanana at 8:47 AM on November 7, 2014 [3 favorites]

we don’t blame you for looking
but you have to stop doing it, just the same
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:00 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]

the difference between you and the corn
is that i’m still going to need this corn during the winter
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:26 AM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]

I live in NYC and visit the Frick occasionally. I will never be able to look at Lady Peel again without thinking of her line, the hat was dyed in the blood of other, lesser hats.

Thank you for posting this.
posted by AMyNameIs at 11:07 AM on November 7, 2014

ahh sorryyyy
sorry my arms are trees now
what’s that, can’t hear you, arms are trees

the tears...they're streaming down my face...
posted by kitcat at 12:22 PM on November 7, 2014

FYI: You can find the painter of the images by rt. clicking and then searching google images.
posted by xammerboy at 12:32 PM on November 7, 2014 [1 favorite]

Funny as always, but I'm stunned at the technique for the dress in (what is apparently, thanks TinEye) Millais' The Black Brunswicker - the detail on that silver dress is amazing. Any art history mefites know anything about it?

The two models never met during the three months he worked on it. Each instead clasped a wooden lay figure.
posted by sebastienbailard at 1:41 AM on November 8, 2014 [2 favorites]

Thanks for that link! They never met, and the male model died shortly after - I think this may be the most romantic painting ever.
posted by bq at 8:34 AM on November 8, 2014

There's a discussion in the Toast comments about the creases in the dress (Black Brunswicker). Lots of posters wondering why the dress wasn't ironed; someone with a costume background explaining dresses were kept in boxes as hangers weren't in common use, and those sharp clear creases meant it was straight out of the box ie brand new, the desired look.

Nice interview from the Guardian, though with really clumsy questions. Is that part of your motivation with creating the Butter with Roxane Gay? really, Guardian? And the comments are as usual. The old G has really failed to nurture a commenting community with its inept moderation, comments are never worth reading there.
posted by glasseyes at 3:38 PM on November 8, 2014 [1 favorite]

Oh, I love these so much. Absolutely on my list of NSFW because there's no way to justify snorting with laughter to the point that tears wind up streaming down my cheeks.
posted by Lexica at 8:51 PM on November 10, 2014