Position yourself, whenever possible, at the top of a flight of stairs.
November 20, 2014 2:18 PM   Subscribe

"Keep your hands white and soft with the regular application of lotions"
posted by evidenceofabsence at 2:30 PM on November 20, 2014

My favorite comment is by KateKari:

I was all "Nope, nope, not me, never gonna happen, nope...." UNTIL:

"For surefire babe status, drink whiskey."

Awwww yiss, I got this! But:

"This is crucial: Do all of the above while maintaining an irrefutable femininity at all times."

Well fuck.

posted by Beti at 2:56 PM on November 20, 2014 [3 favorites]

The article was very funny but I did not guffaw aloud until I read this sequence of comments:

"Laura, when we were married your pa could span my [waist] with his two hands."
"But Ma, where the hell did you keep your internal organs?"

"In a chest under the bed. Your pa carved it himself, as a courtship present. It was the very first thing I brought into our new home, which your pa also made with his own hands."

posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:58 PM on November 20, 2014 [8 favorites]

I really should have made a thread for this, but the Sexiest Man Alive series at The Toast is not to be missed:

The Crowning of Adam Levine, The Sexiest Man Alive
Chris Hemsworth, Sexiest Man Alive
posted by kmz at 3:20 PM on November 20, 2014 [10 favorites]

(Oh hey! That was me :-D)
posted by ChuraChura at 3:42 PM on November 20, 2014 [10 favorites]

I enjoyed the meandering discussion of consumption in the comments.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:48 PM on November 20, 2014

"Have an improbable hair/eye/skin color combination."

I thought "Oh, Memoirs of a Geisha, eh?" Or perhaps everyone with gray eyes?

Holy crap, that's a list.
posted by psoas at 4:53 PM on November 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

"And a train! I must have a train, for staircases, mustn't I, Mother? And a peacock feather fan, and shoes with glittery buckles and a velvet cape." I knew that was all I needed to break anyone's heart. Let me appear on the right staircase just once in a velvet cape, and I was a made woman.

Now I was headed for one of the most glorious houses in the city, at the invitation of Duke Tremontaine himself. The lawsuit would be withdrawn, my dowry restored, if not, indeed, doubled. I was sure he had a staircase.
posted by NoraReed at 12:17 AM on November 21, 2014

Either be obscenely patient or a spontaneous maniac; there is no in between.

Eyes are everything. Let them shine brightly with happy tears if you’re an ingénue or smolder darkly with scorn if you’re ever-so-slightly past your prime.

That's just too on the nose.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:21 AM on November 21, 2014

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