You make me days sour and my nights rancid. (SLCH)
November 21, 2014 12:44 PM Subscribe
The first son is named Royce, the second son is named Preston, the third son is named Lance And Blake (two names for just one son), and the fourth son is the dreaded Laramie. Which one of my toxic sons are you? Take this quiz to find out!
Not sure if that was humor or an ad for Saab.
posted by rocket88 at 12:54 PM on November 21, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by rocket88 at 12:54 PM on November 21, 2014 [4 favorites]
An ad for Saab written by Jimmy Page.
posted by Curious Artificer at 12:55 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Curious Artificer at 12:55 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
This is above average, even for Clickhole, unlike my garbage son's grade on his math paper, which is a number so low it sucked the entire school into itself, and now he has to go to military academy, where he is the general.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:55 PM on November 21, 2014 [25 favorites]
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:55 PM on November 21, 2014 [25 favorites]
I've said it before, I'll probably say it again. Clickhole is the best thing the Onion has done since Lake Dredge Appraisal. (previously)
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 12:55 PM on November 21, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 12:55 PM on November 21, 2014 [3 favorites]
I feel about ClickHole the same way I thought about The Onion back in the day. It is just The Best Thing.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 12:57 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by EndsOfInvention at 12:57 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
I AM BECOME LARAMIE, DESTROYER OF SAABS
posted by palomar at 1:03 PM on November 21, 2014 [13 favorites]
posted by palomar at 1:03 PM on November 21, 2014 [13 favorites]
Oh god, the phrase "marital bed." mrs ozzy hates it when I say that. So of course I say it all the time.
posted by uncleozzy at 1:04 PM on November 21, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by uncleozzy at 1:04 PM on November 21, 2014 [5 favorites]
I now have "Saab" and "carnival of miseries" forever linked in my head.
posted by mysprocketisborked at 1:07 PM on November 21, 2014
posted by mysprocketisborked at 1:07 PM on November 21, 2014
I now have "Saab" and "carnival of miseries" forever linked in my head.
Saab == sob, eh?
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:17 PM on November 21, 2014
Saab == sob, eh?
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:17 PM on November 21, 2014
This is great. I think it reads a lot like a mainstreamed pastiche of dril.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 1:20 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 1:20 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
MAJESTIC.
posted by jameaterblues at 1:21 PM on November 21, 2014
posted by jameaterblues at 1:21 PM on November 21, 2014
Clickhole doesn't give the actual authors of these posts, but I'm pretty sure this quiz, the Are You A Big Jazz Boy Or A Little Jazz Boy? quiz, and the hard-hitting This Might Not Be ‘Politically Correct’ Enough For You Overly Sensitive Social Justice Warriors, But All Of The Planets Are Men were done by the same person. More scholarship is needed to determine whether Which Bing Bong Theory Are You? can be added to this list.
posted by brookedel at 1:26 PM on November 21, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by brookedel at 1:26 PM on November 21, 2014 [5 favorites]
This hits what I now call the "Too Many Cooks" nerve.
posted by rock swoon has no past at 1:26 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by rock swoon has no past at 1:26 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
Are You A Big Jazz Boy Or A Little Jazz Boy is one of the best internet humour pieces I've ever read. I hope there is some sort of award it can win.
posted by rollick at 1:28 PM on November 21, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by rollick at 1:28 PM on November 21, 2014 [5 favorites]
I was trying to figure out a way to flesh out a post about What Does it Mean to be a Man?, but two Clickhole FPPs in a day is probably too much so I'm posting it here.
Lord Grummond is going to be so pissed when he finds out.
Clickhole is a good thing.
posted by sparklemotion at 1:30 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Lord Grummond is going to be so pissed when he finds out.
Clickhole is a good thing.
posted by sparklemotion at 1:30 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also I think How New York Are You? has the same sort of style as those pieces too.
posted by rollick at 1:31 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by rollick at 1:31 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
Yes, I loved doing this quiz with all of my dumpster soul.
posted by mochapickle at 1:31 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by mochapickle at 1:31 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Your hobbies include loitering, mischief with bones, and doing terrible things to my wonderful car.
It figures that a garbage dad like this one would only be able to identify two of my three hobbies correctly.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 1:32 PM on November 21, 2014 [3 favorites]
It figures that a garbage dad like this one would only be able to identify two of my three hobbies correctly.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 1:32 PM on November 21, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best Quiz: Did You Talk To Your Old Man About That Idea I Had?
posted by Iridic at 1:32 PM on November 21, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by Iridic at 1:32 PM on November 21, 2014 [3 favorites]
(C’mon, toots! I’d ask him myself, but I feel like he’s got it out for me! Whaddaya say?)
posted by Iridic at 1:33 PM on November 21, 2014
posted by Iridic at 1:33 PM on November 21, 2014
This is supposed to be funny?
posted by mermayd at 1:38 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by mermayd at 1:38 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
I mostly laughed at the names. But then a member of my family plans to name their imminent male offspring "Deacon," and my horrible husband and I have been mocking it for months. (Poor kid. What do you even do for a nickname? Deeks?)
posted by emjaybee at 1:43 PM on November 21, 2014
posted by emjaybee at 1:43 PM on November 21, 2014
Missed a great opportunity for the FPP, graphnerd. I think this Clickhole article is of far more interest to MeFites.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 1:49 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 1:49 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
That Serial article is funny, but it feels more like a traditional Onion-style article. It's the bonkers nonsense like this quiz that keeps me coming back.
posted by brookedel at 1:56 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by brookedel at 1:56 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'm Preston. Not sure what that means, in the long run.
posted by Chuffy at 2:09 PM on November 21, 2014
posted by Chuffy at 2:09 PM on November 21, 2014
One annoying thing about Clickhole quizzes is they don't let you retake them easily to see the other answers. Here's what I got:
You Are The Dreaded Laramie.
Terrible tidings for you: You are the dreaded Laramie. You are a junk son if I’ve ever seen one—a true dump child from the swamp. Everyone who knows you fears you because they are aware that you make life sour. Your interests include loud crimes with minimal jail sentences, making nighttime last longer, and watching movies where someone who looks like your nice dad explodes or gets killed by a mummy. You love doing terrible things to my wonderful car and you wear shirts with curse words on them.
I hate being near the dreaded Laramie. When the dreaded Laramie comes around, I whisper a quiet wish to God that a lunatic will come and eat me. I can’t believe that my huge beautiful wife did the birth of the dreaded Laramie. Truly, he hails from the Dumpster, and I only wish him ill. That’s who you are. You’re the dreaded Laramie. Way to go.
posted by rollick at 2:14 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
You Are The Dreaded Laramie.
Terrible tidings for you: You are the dreaded Laramie. You are a junk son if I’ve ever seen one—a true dump child from the swamp. Everyone who knows you fears you because they are aware that you make life sour. Your interests include loud crimes with minimal jail sentences, making nighttime last longer, and watching movies where someone who looks like your nice dad explodes or gets killed by a mummy. You love doing terrible things to my wonderful car and you wear shirts with curse words on them.
I hate being near the dreaded Laramie. When the dreaded Laramie comes around, I whisper a quiet wish to God that a lunatic will come and eat me. I can’t believe that my huge beautiful wife did the birth of the dreaded Laramie. Truly, he hails from the Dumpster, and I only wish him ill. That’s who you are. You’re the dreaded Laramie. Way to go.
posted by rollick at 2:14 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
My first name is Edsel. I'm dead.
I hate my dad. He's dead too.
We're both dead, but I'm in one place and that demented hillbilly resides in the other...
The only thing I regret is all the delicious beers I've missed out on.
Won't you please forget this quiz and instead go drink several delicious beers in my name?
I can't pay for them, but I will surely taste them from beyond the grave.
PS. I wish I'd lived long enough to zoom around in a 5.0 liter Mustang.
posted by Pudhoho at 2:19 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
I hate my dad. He's dead too.
We're both dead, but I'm in one place and that demented hillbilly resides in the other...
The only thing I regret is all the delicious beers I've missed out on.
Won't you please forget this quiz and instead go drink several delicious beers in my name?
I can't pay for them, but I will surely taste them from beyond the grave.
PS. I wish I'd lived long enough to zoom around in a 5.0 liter Mustang.
posted by Pudhoho at 2:19 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
Oh yeah, I'm also really pissed off about the car produced in my name.
I don't mind that it flopped. It's a really great car, as collectors well know.
What makes me sore is people said they didn't like it because the grille reminded them of a vagina.
Vulva. Vulva. Vulva. That's what women carry on their front end.
Idiots can't identify human anatomy correctly. Jesus Christ...
posted by Pudhoho at 2:33 PM on November 21, 2014
I don't mind that it flopped. It's a really great car, as collectors well know.
What makes me sore is people said they didn't like it because the grille reminded them of a vagina.
Vulva. Vulva. Vulva. That's what women carry on their front end.
Idiots can't identify human anatomy correctly. Jesus Christ...
posted by Pudhoho at 2:33 PM on November 21, 2014
Is there any way to be anything other than a Big Jazz Boy or a Little Jazz Boy? A Gigantic Jazz Boy, perhaps?
posted by Curious Artificer at 2:34 PM on November 21, 2014
posted by Curious Artificer at 2:34 PM on November 21, 2014
Is your body swollen with Trumpet Jelly?
Yes
No
Calling it, this is Tricia Lockwood or I am a great big garbage baby. Named Preston.
posted by trunk muffins at 3:01 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Yes
No
Calling it, this is Tricia Lockwood or I am a great big garbage baby. Named Preston.
posted by trunk muffins at 3:01 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Why was that by far the funniest thing I've read or watched all week? Why??? It's so dumb. Why??
posted by edheil at 3:44 PM on November 21, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by edheil at 3:44 PM on November 21, 2014 [3 favorites]
What makes me sore is people said they didn't like it because the grille reminded them of a vagina.
On a side note, it could have been worse. You could have been named Toyota. I've always thought the Toyota symbol is a great symbolic representation of a women's entire reproductive system.
posted by barchan at 3:50 PM on November 21, 2014
On a side note, it could have been worse. You could have been named Toyota. I've always thought the Toyota symbol is a great symbolic representation of a women's entire reproductive system.
posted by barchan at 3:50 PM on November 21, 2014
I mostly laughed at the names. But then a member of my family plans to name their imminent male offspring "Deacon," and my horrible husband and I have been mocking it for months. (Poor kid. What do you even do for a nickname? Deeks?)
posted by emjaybee at 1:43 PM on November 21 [+] [!]
Their last name isn't Jones is it, because if it is...
posted by 4ster at 4:19 PM on November 21, 2014
posted by emjaybee at 1:43 PM on November 21 [+] [!]
Their last name isn't Jones is it, because if it is...
posted by 4ster at 4:19 PM on November 21, 2014
Are You A Big Jazz Boy Or A Little Jazz Boy is one of the best internet humour pieces I've ever read.
I am a little teeny Jazz Boy! Yorb yorb yorb! Yorb yorb yorb!
posted by louche mustachio at 4:50 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Fucking quiz don't work. Got no fancy result page.
FAIL
posted by clvrmnky at 5:45 PM on November 21, 2014
FAIL
posted by clvrmnky at 5:45 PM on November 21, 2014
Here Is The Man With The Tiny Hands
posted by jason_steakums at 5:52 PM on November 21, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by jason_steakums at 5:52 PM on November 21, 2014 [7 favorites]
One annoying thing about Clickhole quizzes is they don't let you retake them easily to see the other answers. Here's what I got:
I'll confess that part of the reason I posted this was to get people to report their responses. Try as I might, I keep getting The Dreaded Laramie. If there are any Royces, Prestons, or—God help us—lance and Blakes out there, please share with us exactly what it is that makes you such a toxic swamp child from a dumpster.
posted by graphnerd at 6:49 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
I'll confess that part of the reason I posted this was to get people to report their responses. Try as I might, I keep getting The Dreaded Laramie. If there are any Royces, Prestons, or—God help us—lance and Blakes out there, please share with us exactly what it is that makes you such a toxic swamp child from a dumpster.
posted by graphnerd at 6:49 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
I actually do wish I could make night last longer. So, uh, good work Clickhole!
posted by Lemurrhea at 6:51 PM on November 21, 2014
posted by Lemurrhea at 6:51 PM on November 21, 2014
You Are Royce.The bad news is that you are my garbage son Royce. You are the Gutter Boy Supreme, and the things you say and do are of the Dumpster. You love to do terrible things to my wonderful car, and you are the main reason why I go to the hospital.
When my huge beautiful wife did the birth of Royce, I thought to myself, “This can’t be that bad,” but boy, was I wrong, because Royce has a rancid soul and everything he touches turns to poison.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 7:00 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
You Are Lance And Blake.
It makes me miserable to inform you that you are my garbage son Lance And Blake (two names for just one son). You are a real trash mountain of a son who came marching out of my huge beautiful wife on the worst day to ever happen. Your hobbies include loitering, mischief with bones, and doing terrible things to my wonderful car.
When Lance And Blake was born, I wanted to name him Ryan and my huge beautiful wife wanted to name him Kyle, so we compromised by giving him two names that neither of us liked. Now, he makes our days sour and our nights rancid. He is a True Nightmare of a garbage son.
Mischief with bones and Jimmy Page are the keys here.
posted by trunk muffins at 7:14 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
It makes me miserable to inform you that you are my garbage son Lance And Blake (two names for just one son). You are a real trash mountain of a son who came marching out of my huge beautiful wife on the worst day to ever happen. Your hobbies include loitering, mischief with bones, and doing terrible things to my wonderful car.
When Lance And Blake was born, I wanted to name him Ryan and my huge beautiful wife wanted to name him Kyle, so we compromised by giving him two names that neither of us liked. Now, he makes our days sour and our nights rancid. He is a True Nightmare of a garbage son.
Mischief with bones and Jimmy Page are the keys here.
posted by trunk muffins at 7:14 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Thank you, you True Villains with wretched Metafilter accounts.
posted by graphnerd at 7:27 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by graphnerd at 7:27 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
HOLY SHIT THIS IS AMAZING
posted by Sticherbeast at 12:35 AM on November 22, 2014
posted by Sticherbeast at 12:35 AM on November 22, 2014
As a parent I particularly enjoyed the "Why We're Sending Our Kids Into An Interdimensional Particle Vortex (And You Should Too!)" article. That's one way to have to deal with your garbage sons, at least.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 9:20 AM on November 22, 2014
posted by EndsOfInvention at 9:20 AM on November 22, 2014
I especially like the nice touch of getting "Preston", but the picture is Lance AND Blake. Because it doesn't even matter which garbage son is which, because they are all toxic garbage.
posted by Jazz Hands at 10:38 AM on November 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Jazz Hands at 10:38 AM on November 22, 2014 [2 favorites]
Truly, he hails from the Dumpster, and I only wish him ill.
I'm about 80% sure Lizzie Bennet says this about Mr Darcy at some point
posted by kagredon at 3:44 PM on November 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm about 80% sure Lizzie Bennet says this about Mr Darcy at some point
posted by kagredon at 3:44 PM on November 22, 2014 [1 favorite]
oh, and I finally got Preston (despite several attempts being thwarted by my dreadful Laramie-ness):
You Are Preston.
Hate to break it to you, but you are my garbage son named Preston. You are the son equivalent of a foul wind and you make my nights colder. When I see you in my house, I think to myself, “Here is my Dumpster boy, the one I hate.” Your interests include faking injuries and doing terrible things to my wonderful car.
When my huge beautiful wife did the birth of Preston, I didn’t think things could get any worse, but I underestimated the garbage soul of Preston, and every day is a new carnival of miseries. Truly, Preston is the Gutter Prince and knowing about him makes me tired. That’s who you are. You’re my garbage son Preston.
posted by kagredon at 3:56 PM on November 22, 2014
You Are Preston.
Hate to break it to you, but you are my garbage son named Preston. You are the son equivalent of a foul wind and you make my nights colder. When I see you in my house, I think to myself, “Here is my Dumpster boy, the one I hate.” Your interests include faking injuries and doing terrible things to my wonderful car.
When my huge beautiful wife did the birth of Preston, I didn’t think things could get any worse, but I underestimated the garbage soul of Preston, and every day is a new carnival of miseries. Truly, Preston is the Gutter Prince and knowing about him makes me tired. That’s who you are. You’re my garbage son Preston.
posted by kagredon at 3:56 PM on November 22, 2014
Fiddle-Dee-Dee! I Am The Quizmaster Who Shall Test Your Abilities!
posted by Iridic at 12:13 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Iridic at 12:13 PM on November 24, 2014 [2 favorites]
This closes on Saturday, someone please make sure to do another clickhole fpp so that I can keep getting these curated in my recent activity (I might do it if the airport has free wifi)
posted by kagredon at 8:41 PM on December 15, 2014
posted by kagredon at 8:41 PM on December 15, 2014
(by the way, the key phrase to ctrl-f in the page source if you want to read the results you didn't get is "quiz outcome")
posted by kagredon at 8:54 PM on December 15, 2014
posted by kagredon at 8:54 PM on December 15, 2014
First name Deacon OK as long as his middle name is Blue.
posted by Oyéah at 10:04 AM on December 18, 2014
posted by Oyéah at 10:04 AM on December 18, 2014
How Well Do You Know The Lyrics to Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You"?
posted by kagredon at 5:51 PM on December 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by kagredon at 5:51 PM on December 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
Everything You Need To Know About The Dangerous Teen Trend ‘Wodehousing’
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 12:46 PM on December 19, 2014
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 12:46 PM on December 19, 2014
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posted by clockzero at 12:53 PM on November 21, 2014 [10 favorites]