I'll pass on the stew, thanks
November 22, 2014 6:58 PM   Subscribe

 
Everybody poops!
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:12 PM on November 22, 2014


...that'll teach me to read the tags.

also omg TPS yeeeey!
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:12 PM on November 22, 2014


LIES
posted by louche mustachio at 7:19 PM on November 22, 2014


We most certainly do not.
posted by padraigin at 8:31 PM on November 22, 2014 [1 favorite]


Ahhhh, a song about the things that aren't any kind of mystery to you at all, when you share a bathroom with your older sister.
posted by BuddhaInABucket at 8:41 PM on November 22, 2014 [2 favorites]


I was taught girls excrete via sheen, but since I saw Major League at an early age I always thought they meant Charlie and remained confused.

BTDubs dudes, best bachelor pad move I've ever made is keeping a wet-wipes cache in the john. She loves it.
posted by carsonb at 8:42 PM on November 22, 2014 [1 favorite]


Not only that, but I'll bet we all have a 'best poop' story. Mine, Vegas, 1996. TMI? Too bad.
posted by biddeford at 9:15 PM on November 22, 2014 [2 favorites]


Yeah, but now men don't poop. #notallpoopers
posted by oceanjesse at 9:28 PM on November 22, 2014 [2 favorites]


I always enjoy a tune that uses flatulence as lyrics. Musical fruit, you know?

It's also fun to listen to if you imagine it as a Johnny Cash / June Carter duet.

I like these ladies.
posted by 90s_username04 at 9:30 PM on November 22, 2014 [1 favorite]




I think we all know what number 3 is.
posted by Lutoslawski at 10:29 PM on November 22, 2014 [2 favorites]


Is it cynical of me to suggest that this is a capitalist plot for us to have open space no privacy unisex bathrooms in our workplaces and public areas so that they don't have to buy doors anymore?
posted by oceanjesse at 10:45 PM on November 22, 2014 [2 favorites]


No, but it's just the thing someone in the pocket of Big Door would say.
posted by Dr Dracator at 10:47 PM on November 22, 2014 [9 favorites]


I vividly remember when I was maybe three or four years old being totally convinced that girls' poop came out in a different shape than boys' poop did.
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:48 PM on November 22, 2014


The first time I met my husband, he took me out to breakfast after we'd been out all night drinking and gambling.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom. After I'd been gone for ~30 minutes he assumed that I must have just ditched him.

When I finally returned to the table, he asked me where the hell I'd been.

"I had to poop," I explained without shame and dug into my cold eggs and hashbrowns.

And thus began our epic love story.
posted by Jacqueline at 12:11 AM on November 23, 2014 [9 favorites]


Why doesn't anyone ever link to the damn paper?
Everyone Poops
[Abstract not available]
posted by Blasdelb at 1:52 AM on November 23, 2014 [2 favorites]


carsonb, those things will do a number on your plumbing
posted by univac at 2:14 AM on November 23, 2014


Ugh, really?
posted by pxe2000 at 4:43 AM on November 23, 2014 [2 favorites]


A long time ago I got inebriated with two of my sister's friends and they had this somewhat fascinating discussion about how girls don't poop until they are alone. A closed door was just not enough for them. I felt like I was being initiated into The Order of Men Who Know That Women Defecate.

I seek enlightenment on that. Why did my wife always poop on a different floor of the house?
posted by Mr. Yuck at 5:50 AM on November 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


Mr. Yuck (if indeed that is your eponysterical name), I do not think the Internet has the answer to your question as to why your wife pooped on the floor of your house.
posted by drlith at 5:56 AM on November 23, 2014 [11 favorites]


Saxon_Kane: I love that the Jonathon swift poem you linked above, at least the quoted portion, can pretty much be shoehorned into the melody of the song without too much work.

Also the related posts' titles under the thread here are making me chuckle quite a bit for some reason.
posted by mcrandello at 6:11 AM on November 23, 2014


I'm kind of serious here. I can't recall but one instance of seeing a grown woman poop. Two of the three counselors on my 28 day Outward Bound course were women - where did they go? The only time I witnessed the act was when ex-wife had no paper and sent dog to get me. Dog was female and seemed to understand the delicacy of the situation. I didn't and don't get this meme. Boy woke and I showed that vid to him. "They must poop." Have you ever seen mommy poop? "No, they are not like us."

He's a little young to be thinking that way and I would really like some woman here who conceals defecation to just answer the question. It might help with future relationships and I need to resolve this pressing issue with an eight year old boy now.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 6:28 AM on November 23, 2014


Mr. Yuck, that seems like a great question for the green. Just say this post inspired you to ask.
posted by oceanjesse at 6:53 AM on November 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


It's fascinating to me that such a myth needs dispelling.
posted by rmmcclay at 7:21 AM on November 23, 2014


After I'd been gone for ~30 minutes he assumed that I must have just ditched him.

30 minutes? Maybe you should eat more fiber.
posted by Saxon Kane at 8:28 AM on November 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


It is kind of fascinating but not really surprising to me, looking back to my childhood and separate bathrooms, girls being taught/conditioned to never ever talk about or expose boys to bodies or bodily functions, and a distinct lack of any real curiosity until puberty hits, it's a perfect storm for someone to tell you that girls don't poop, or that their farts smell like roses, and you've got several years for those thoughts to get dug into a boy's brain before ever being challenged.
posted by mcrandello at 8:36 AM on November 23, 2014


Roses, my ass.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 8:50 AM on November 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


One of the first acknowledgements I had to the accuracy of the video title was when I was in college and my roommate's girlfriend neglected to do a post-flush "did it all make it down" check and left two nuggets in the toilet for me to discover. This was such a shocking and unusual discovery for me at the time that I don't think I told my roommate the story for a good six months and only after begging him not to mention it to her (figuring she'd be too embarrassed to ever look at me again if she knew). Reader, he married her!
posted by The Gooch at 9:04 AM on November 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


Good brown gravy, my granddaughters love farts, poop jokes, and disgusting each other by not flushing the toilet before the other one goes in there. (Woe to you if you beat the rush!)

That said, can you be sure that women don't fart attar of roses and poop unicorn sparkles?
posted by BlueHorse at 9:43 AM on November 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


I always enjoy a tune that uses flatulence as lyrics. Musical fruit, you know?

Not only are they musical, but beans, beans are good for your heart (and the more you eat the more you fart).

Anyway, if anyone is mystified by pooping women might I recommend picking up a job at a nursing home? I worked at one as a CNA for about a year, and let me tell you, if someone has had the salmon patty with added flax for lunch...
posted by mr. digits at 10:00 AM on November 23, 2014


30 minutes? Maybe you should eat more fiber.

Did you miss the "up all night drinking" part? All the fiber in the world won't do nothing for a hangover poop.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:09 AM on November 23, 2014


Eponysomething, that's for sure.

And uh, I've never really found that hangover poops are exactly...umm.. reticent about moving on to new and exciting vistas.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:26 AM on November 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


That's why fiber is no help at all. In a hangover situation you need barely any time for the, er, biological event. The other 25ish minutes are all for psychological recovery.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:39 PM on November 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


Long-term Relationship Barbie is waaay ahead of you.

Just live in a one-bathroom place with a couple of dudes long enough, they learn. Oh and apparently pregnancy shits make smells that no man can believe. You're welcome!

My kid knows I poop because my goddamn bathroom door lock is broken and he is constantly walking in on me.
posted by emjaybee at 1:46 PM on November 23, 2014


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