1. Regis

December 13, 2014 8:22 AM

"How do Letterman’s writers start a list, and how do they end one? What kind of jokes work best in the Top Ten format? What kind of jokes don’t work at all? Which political figures have found their way onto the list most often? And what’s with all the Regis references? To answer these questions, I performed a statistical analysis of every Top Ten List ever read on the air by Letterman."
posted by We had a deal, Kyle (34 comments total)

And what’s with all the Regis references?

Wasn't Dave's short-lived morning show on opposite Live! With Regis and Kathie Lee? I always assumed that was the genesis of the Regis thing.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:38 AM on December 13, 2014

Does anyone actually find them funny? Like, at all?
posted by Sportswriters at 8:38 AM on December 13, 2014 [2 favorites]

To this day, and pretty much having read or heard every top 10 list, this entry makes me laugh 20 years after hearing it.

Top 10 signs you have no friends:

....
8. James Taylor sings the first bars of “You’ve Got a Friend,” notices you in the audience and stops.
posted by splen at 8:45 AM on December 13, 2014 [21 favorites]

I used to write a weekly Top Ten for my law school's newspaper. There is a very specific rhythm to how they work, most notably in that the #1 slot is never going to be the funniest. Just, structurally, it basically can't be for whatever reason, so that's the one you fill with the broadest, easiest joke. For actual humor, you get narrower, more surreal, more specific, wat have you, until #2 is the actually funniest, and then throw a bone to everybody's yuck-yuck-ing aunts and uncles for the last entry.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:46 AM on December 13, 2014 [11 favorites]

This should be popular with the headline writers at Buzzfeed.
posted by spudsilo at 8:50 AM on December 13, 2014 [2 favorites]

The "top ten" concept came from Letterman making fun of the brand-new USA Today, with its (novel at the time) info graphics, pie-charts and lists.

I was a young teen then and a dedicated fan of Letterman since his morning show.

That's how bloody old all this is.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 8:55 AM on December 13, 2014 [9 favorites]

I always thought time has smoothed out the Regis thing and made it cool. But back when the show was young (even going back to the morning show), Letterman was poking fun at Regis as being the archetype of the 50s-style talk show host that (at least in the 80s) was a sadsack thing to think about. A lot of Letterman's early humor was about deconstructing the old TV talk shows and just riffing on how absurd it had all become (e.g. Larry Bud Melman, Bob The Dog, early Chris Elliott stuff).

Regis (via Letterman) went from laughing stock to running joke to worshipped icon, in a way. At least that's how it looked to me.

And now I'm missing Bob the Dog. Really hoping the last show has a tribute to the guy.
posted by JoeZydeco at 9:10 AM on December 13, 2014 [3 favorites]

Wasn't it Merrill Markoe, during her stint as head writer and (at the time) girlfriend, who originated the Top Ten List? Also Stupid Pet Tricks.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 9:15 AM on December 13, 2014 [2 favorites]

I worked on the Regis show during his last days. The sad sack thing was obvious to all but a dedicated small core immediately surrounding him, who did actually worship him.
posted by nevercalm at 9:42 AM on December 13, 2014

Does anyone actually find them funny? Like, at all?

[raises hand]

My favorite list item remains:

TOP TEN CHRISTMAS MOVIES IN TIMES SQUARE
...
...
...
10. I’m Not Rudolph; That’s Not My Nose
posted by fuse theorem at 10:30 AM on December 13, 2014 [2 favorites]

Does anyone actually find them funny? Like, at all?
posted by Sportswriters at 8:38 AM on December 13 [+] [!]

Yes.

nevercalm wrote:

I worked on the Regis show during his last days.

Jesus, you had me checking wikipedia...
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 11:23 AM on December 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

Ironically, although Letterman's shtick was a reaction against 1950's era talkshows which had fossilized by then, his comedy had a lot in common with legendary Steve Allen, first host of The Tonight Show. Allen had a surreal, zany sense of humor and would do things like make myself a human-ice-cream-sundae , which is echoed by Letterman's velcro suit, and throwing pumpkins and other items off the roof of the building.

The top ten lists were *incredibly* funny in the 80s though. Don't really know about now because Letterman should really be off the air, cannot believe he's still going.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 11:27 AM on December 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

Top Ten Rejected Arnold Schwarzenegger Movie Lines (as recited, deadpan, by Ahhnold himself), #4:
Time to make the doughnuts, you bastard.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:10 PM on December 13, 2014 [2 favorites]

If you want to write topical comedy it's quite a good exercise to write one of these. The first few come fairly easily with a good subject, then it's a bit of a struggle for a while, and eventually you end up with 12 and need to work out which ones to delete.
posted by w0mbat at 12:33 PM on December 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

There is a very specific rhythm to how they work, most notably in that the #1 slot is never going to be the funniest.

Has always been my take, but the Slate thing claims #1 is always funniest.

With Regis, at least to start, Dave was especially making fun of daytime television too, which was was both coming into its own in the '80s (with the advent of Oprah etc.), and at the same time just generating consensus on what is now the received view about the uniform and overwhelming badness of it. It was informative, or at least signaled something, to mock daytime tv then. And Regis is a conspicuously doofish avatar of daytime tv who outlasted virtually everyone else in that world. So that. And it is a funny name. I feel like there was a period where Dave obsessively did jokes about Boutros Boutros Ghali...
posted by batfish at 12:48 PM on December 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

Thanks for reminding me about Steve Allen and the whole daytime TV thing.

One of my favorite memories of the Letterman daytime show was Mrs Marv Mendenhall (Edie McClurg) doing her thing. Why are there absolutely zero clips of her act on the net?
posted by JoeZydeco at 1:29 PM on December 13, 2014

Seconding how funny those 1980s Top Ten lists were to me and my teen-aged friends.

And I'll never get over the hilarity of Larry "Bud" Mehlman standing outside the building that housed the Soviet Union's Consulate with a bullhorn yelling "Hey Nikita, wanna defect?" He was offering a toaster to potential defectors.
posted by riverlife at 1:40 PM on December 13, 2014

Sportswriters: "Does anyone actually find them funny? Like, at all?"

Find current Letterman top 10 lists funny? Dunno, haven't seen one of them in over a decade. But in the late 80s, early 90s, when I was watching, yes, I found them funny, and the general consensus among everyone I talked to is that they were funny.
posted by Bugbread at 2:19 PM on December 13, 2014 [2 favorites]

The number 1 slot is never funny. They even had a bit with a Mulder cameo where he tried to explain to an incredulous reporter that it was all part of a vast government conspiracy.
posted by ckape at 2:22 PM on December 13, 2014 [2 favorites]

At this point I think Regis isn't just an easy laugh (for all the right reasons) but also a comforting presence for the show. Remember Dave's emotional intro to his first show back after 9/11? Regis was his only guest that night (for that very reason), and Dave closed his intro with "and I have one more thing to say, and then, thank God, Regis is here, so we have something to make fun of..." That line has always warmed my heart.
posted by Hey Dean Yeager! at 3:23 PM on December 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

I remember the first time I saw Regis Philbin on TV when I was a child and he was still what you could call young. He had gotten the gig as sidekick to Joey Bishop on his borderline-successful late night show and ABC had him introducing himself on a prime time variety show with a stand-up routine... about his 'funny name'. He finished off by reciting a list (regrettably NOT numbered) of ways people get his name wrong, the most memorable to me being "Reno Philpot", "Reebee Phoebe" and "Ribo Flavin". To this day I can't help but think of him as Vitamin B2.
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:10 PM on December 13, 2014

I was always impressed with how dark Letterman was willing to get, back in the day. I think Colbert kinda shares this in a way. And I think the darkness was one of the things that kept him from kicking Leno in the ratings forever; Leno was such a mom and pop guy. Letterman spoke to the kids. Edgy, you know?

But like a lot of folks, I haven't really watched him in over a decade. I grew up with him, and then got a day job and hadda get up early, so we parted ways.

But I will always remember this one Top Ten List response, which I think was to the question "Things To Do In Times Square on Christmas Eve":

"Walk around, get depressed. Maybe kill a guy."

Like I said, dark. Funny, but dark.
posted by valkane at 6:14 PM on December 13, 2014

Yeah, I think he was already starting to lose that edge a bit around the time he went in for bypass surgery; after that it was almost totally gone. I don't begrudge him his personal change in outlook after so profound an event, but it didn't make for what you'd call great TV afterward.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:26 PM on December 13, 2014

Can we try??

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN READING TOO MUCH METAFILTER

10. Since you started filtering on AskMe's "Human Relations", you no longer have any.
 
posted by sylvanshine at 6:58 PM on December 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

I always thought #2 is meant to be the funniest. Or, at least, #1 is not meant to be the funniest. The structure of the skit is such that there can be pauses after reading each of #10 to #2 for laughters, but after Dave read #1, the band always start playing loudly, leaving not much room for laughters to be televised.
posted by applesurf at 7:19 PM on December 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

Can we try??
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN READING TOO MUCH METAFILTER
10. Since you started filtering on AskMe's "Human Relations", you no longer have any.

9. Is this something I'd have to have a TV to understand?
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:16 PM on December 13, 2014

Maybe it's a particularly USAian sense of humo(u)r... I really don't get it at all. None of them (including the ones posted above) even rise to the level of 'amusing' for me. I'm not saying they aren't funny, just that I'm not even remotely getting them, not even a bit.

And I'm a funny guy! Trust me! Try the veal!! etc
posted by Sportswriters at 9:27 PM on December 13, 2014 [1 favorite]

(although tbh the who late night thing has always seemed kinda laboured to me too, certainly Letterman and Leno, Carson seemed genial but hardly rib splitting, though the younger guys are watchable -- Ferguson and Conan and Jimmy, with Colbert and Stewart in a different category of their own I think. I wonder to what degree you have to grow up with it for it to really engage you -- I didn't, maybe it's that?)
posted by Sportswriters at 9:33 PM on December 13, 2014

8. You chuckle when somebody says they're serving beans or hamburgers, but cringe when they say "mashed taters".
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:18 AM on December 14, 2014

7: You automatically hit the back button to comment on news stories, even though you did not come from MeFi to that page.
posted by biffa at 5:28 AM on December 14, 2014 [1 favorite]

I remember one that was like, Top Ten Failed Broadway Musicals, and one of them was

#8: Oprahoma!

Pretty great joke.
posted by Trochanter at 6:20 PM on December 14, 2014 [1 favorite]

Speaking of dark, a list that made me laugh, 25 years ago, was “Keebler Elf Euphemisms for Death,” including
#9. failed his freshness test
#7. bought the Pepperidge Farm
#6. gone to aisle three
#4. owl bait
posted by LeLiLo at 2:30 AM on December 15, 2014

I remember really liking Letterman's Top 10 Off-Season Sports on ESPN, which include:

Uninflated basketball
Throwing cows from planes
Dog hockey

Also really liked one from his Arnold list: Ouch, a paper cut.
posted by at home in my head at 5:56 AM on December 15, 2014

I had these books as a kid and the "top ten least-loved Christmas specials" could easily spawn new holiday classics between "the sweatiest angel" and "Christmas Eve at the all-male cinema".
posted by dr_dank at 9:29 AM on December 16, 2014