A dark reimagining of a Hollywood list
December 16, 2014 6:43 AM   Subscribe

The 2014 Black List Has been announced - the top unproduced scripts of the year, according to Hollywood insiders. Excited film buffs will be scouring the list for overlooked gems and masterpieces that might have been, but why not go a different route? The Ten Worst Sounding Black List Scripts.
posted by Artw (133 comments total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
 
Since when does having high concept automatically open a movie up for ridicule? I would rather have most of these bad movies be interesting failures than choosing not to see another Madagascar sequel.

Show me someone who wouldn't see Coffee and Kareem and I'll show you a heartless monster!
posted by Think_Long at 6:49 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


Wow, there are a lot of movies that start with "The" there. (A lot of them sound quite good as usual, and a lot of them sound like stuff that has already been made . Generally the coming of age and romantic stuff.)
posted by Kitteh at 6:50 AM on December 16, 2014


Honestly, these don't sound any worse than much of what got greenlighted by the big studios this year.

Also, I'd totally watch this:

7. THE MUNCHKIN

A little person private eye investigates the disappearance of a young actress in 1930s Hollywood, leading him to uncover conspiracies involving THE WIZARD OF OZ and Metro Goldwyn Mayer brass.

posted by ryanshepard at 6:51 AM on December 16, 2014 [16 favorites]


I probably would actually watch a gritty reboot of Willy Wonka....
posted by Librarypt at 6:52 AM on December 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


An overweight, foul-mouthed nine year old reluctantly teams with the straight edge cop sleeping with his mom. . .

I only want it to be made if the alternate interpretation of this phrasing is used.
posted by Think_Long at 6:54 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


A deaf computer genius’ world is thrown into turmoil when he meets a troubled coffee shop waitress whose voice turns out to be the only thing he can miraculously hear.

This is so close to an actual Twin Peaks subplot.
posted by Dr-Baa at 6:55 AM on December 16, 2014 [7 favorites]


.... which they cover in the comments.
posted by Dr-Baa at 6:56 AM on December 16, 2014


This is so close to an actual Twin Peaks subplot.

Yeah, I was about to post a comment about it on BAD, but somebody beat me to it.
posted by Strange Interlude at 6:58 AM on December 16, 2014


AETHER
Krysty Wilson-Cairns
In near future London, a revolutionary technology has been invented that can record sounds hours after they were made. Detective Harry Orwell, inventor of this technology, is part of a pilot program where investigators record and analyze past sound waves and finds himself the prime suspect while investigating a string of brutal murders.


Considering that we already have a perfectly mundane technology that can record sounds RIGHT WHEN THEY HAPPEN, I'm genuinely curious to know how Wilson-Cairns drags the tension out for this one. Or does this take place in a world where the tape recorder was never invented?
posted by Strange Interlude at 7:04 AM on December 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


The Babysitter? Really? So much eyeroll.
posted by discopolo at 7:04 AM on December 16, 2014


35
THE SWIMSUIT ISSUE
Randall Green
A nerdy high schooler, who fancies himself an amateur photographer, attempts to create a “Swimsuit Issue” featuring his high school classmates in hopes of raising enough money to go to summer camp.


So, a Tumblr with a big budget?
posted by Thorzdad at 7:08 AM on December 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


ON THE BASIS OF SEX
Daniel Stiepleman
The story of Ruth Bader Ginsberg, as she faced numerous obstacles to her fight for equal rights throughout her career.


If this one ever gets produced with that particular title, there's going to be a lot of disappointed 13-year-olds sneaking into movie theaters.
posted by Strange Interlude at 7:08 AM on December 16, 2014 [13 favorites]


I'm pretty sure the alternate title to "The Munchkin" is "We think we can get Dinklage" and the subtitle to that is "not in a thousand years".
posted by Artw at 7:08 AM on December 16, 2014 [41 favorites]


Considering that we already have a perfectly mundane technology that can record sounds RIGHT WHEN THEY HAPPEN, I'm genuinely curious to know how Wilson-Cairns drags the tension out for this one. Or does this take place in a world where the tape recorder was never invented?

Surely the point is that you could turn up at a crime scene and record sounds from 3 hours earlier when the crime took place. But it still sounds like a weak Doctor Who idea.
posted by DanCall at 7:08 AM on December 16, 2014 [8 favorites]


Cartoon Girl is also equally eyeroll.
posted by discopolo at 7:09 AM on December 16, 2014


ERIN’S VOICE
A deaf computer genius’ world is thrown into turmoil when he meets a troubled coffee shop waitress whose voice turns out to be the only thing he can miraculously hear.


I would totally watch this. I'm thinking Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone. To Kickstarter! Who's with me?
posted by billiebee at 7:09 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


io9 has gone through to summarize all the "sci-fi" films on the Black List.

I count 7 films in common with the FPP.
posted by nubs at 7:10 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


Okay, so hear me out here... All the Presidents Men, except instead of Watergate it's GamerGate.
posted by Artw at 7:10 AM on December 16, 2014 [6 favorites]


Yeah, Erin's Voice sounds pretty cool.
posted by freecellwizard at 7:11 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


9
I AM RYAN REYNOLDS
Billy Goulston
An inside look at the marriage, career, and mental state of 2010’s Sexiest Man Alive.


Hoping this doesn't get the trilogy treatment someday.

9
PLUS ONE
April Prosser
Just out of a long term relationship and realizing that all her friends have married, Rachel discovers that her only remaining wingwoman is Summer, a loud and oversharing wildcard.


This is right in Melissa McCarthy's wheelhouse.
posted by GrapeApiary at 7:11 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


BIRD BOX
Eric Heisserer
A woman tries to lead her children to safety after the world is invaded by monsters who turn you insane upon sight.


Not "monsters", Medusans.
posted by allthinky at 7:12 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


How about this for a move concept:

Red in Tooth and Claw: A mother rabbit sets out to avenge the slaughter of her babies at the hands of a sadistic neighborhood tomcat with the help of a timid Corgi and a foul-mouthed blue jay.


Call me Hollywood.
posted by dortmunder at 7:23 AM on December 16, 2014 [8 favorites]


If done correctly, a dark Willy Wonka reboot could actually be quite amazing. I nominate Del Toro.
posted by jbickers at 7:30 AM on December 16, 2014 [7 favorites]


You know the thing where you say "...in bed!" after reading your fortune for a fortune cookie? Try something similar here -- each of these scripts becomes immensely better if you add "Animated. Erotic." to the end of the logline.

For example:

5 SYNDROME (E)

Mark Heyman
A detective solving the case of a disturbing film with subliminal images that is killing people who come in contact with it discovers a greater evil. Animated. Erotic.

posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 7:32 AM on December 16, 2014 [9 favorites]


Isn't the plot of Coffee & Kareem, like, literally a less interesting inversion of Cop and a Half?
posted by The Bridge on the River Kai Ryssdal at 7:32 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


If done correctly, a dark Willy Wonka reboot could actually be quite amazing. I nominate Del Toro.

"It's like people want to be chocolatiers more than they want to make chocolate."

"That's not just chocolate, Willy, that's the way of the world."
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 7:33 AM on December 16, 2014


ERIN’S VOICE
A deaf computer genius’ world is thrown into turmoil when he meets a troubled coffee shop waitress whose voice turns out to be the only thing he can miraculously hear.
a wicked Joe Satriani guitar solo which goes on for 90 minutes
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:35 AM on December 16, 2014 [21 favorites]


Surely the point is that you could turn up at a crime scene and record sounds from 3 hours earlier when the crime took place. But it still sounds like a weak Doctor Who idea.

It sounds like a mashup of several PKD short stories, a couple of which have already got the movie treatment.
posted by Artw at 7:36 AM on December 16, 2014 [5 favorites]


If done correctly, a dark Willy Wonka reboot could actually be quite amazing. I nominate Del Toro.

I already tried Wonka's dark chocolate reboot. It was all right, I guess.
posted by Strange Interlude at 7:36 AM on December 16, 2014


THE FOUNDER
Rob Siegel
The origin story of McDonald’s and Raymond Albert “Ray” Kroc.


Bitten by a radioactive clown, mild-mannered Raymond Albert “Ray” Kroc finds he can transform into the unstoppable RONALD MCDONALD. Young Ray selfishly uses his new-found powers to parlay his family's secret burger recipe into an international fast food empire, which leads to heartbreak when, despite warnings he callously ignored, an attack by industrial spies leaves the body of his beloved uncle Grimace horribly bloated and purple.

Realizing the error of his selfish ways, RONALD MCDONALD, with the help of the mysterious HAMBURGLAR, dedicates his life to the pursuit of vengeance and reasonably-priced fast food.
posted by Sangermaine at 7:37 AM on December 16, 2014 [24 favorites]


IT'S NOT CHOCOLATE!
posted by Artw at 7:38 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


It sounds like a mashup of several PKD short stories, a couple of which have already got the movie treatment.

It also vaguely reminded me of Asimov's The Dead Past.
posted by zamboni at 7:41 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


Considering that we already have a perfectly mundane technology that can record sounds RIGHT WHEN THEY HAPPEN, I'm genuinely curious to know how Wilson-Cairns drags the tension out for this one. Or does this take place in a world where the tape recorder was never invented?

Oh come on! God knows there's plenty to slam in this pitch (the detective named Orwell, obviously, but also the fact that a homicide detective is also supposed to be the inventor of this Star Trek level technology so he can use it in his detecting work, the 111,431st usage of the detective who "himself becomes a suspect in a string of brutal murders.") But I would think the applications of such a thing would be obvious. You're not always around to hear a sound when it happens.

The core idea of being able to record "latent" sound hours after the fact is probably the best single idea in this thing. They just have no idea what to do with it.
posted by Naberius at 7:45 AM on December 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


It also vaguely reminded me of Asimov's The Dead Past.

It totally is.

It's impossible for me to imagine these films based on old pulp SF stories without everyone wearing hats.
posted by Artw at 7:46 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


I love you, Greg Nog.
posted by Naberius at 7:47 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


For some reason I want all these film descriptions to end in ", etc."
posted by frenetic at 7:48 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


A young, well-educated loner kills the members of his mother’s estranged family one-by-one in hopes that he will inherit the family’s vast fortune.

An Americanised remake of a 5-star Ealing classic. If the Coen brothers couldn't improve on Ladykillers, who is going to beat Kind Hearts and Coronets? I hope this stays blacklisted for ever.
posted by biffa at 7:59 AM on December 16, 2014 [6 favorites]


It's impossible for me to imagine these films based on old pulp SF stories without everyone wearing hats.

It's not impossible! I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home, and they're not much bigger than two meters.
posted by Naberius at 8:02 AM on December 16, 2014 [5 favorites]


CGI is now to the point where one could take a pretty good swing at doing "Microcosmic God" or "Surface Tension." But that's new IP, so let's settle for a gritty reboot of Saved by the Bell or Teletubbies.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 8:06 AM on December 16, 2014


SODOR

Toppamino Hattoli, an anarchist refugee from Mussolini's Italy, is granted asylum in England on one condition: he must bring order to Sodor, a Channel island overrun by monstrous trains with the faces of men.
posted by Iridic at 8:07 AM on December 16, 2014 [43 favorites]


The axe scene where he's screaming "CONFUSION AND DELAY!" over and over is a classic.
posted by Artw at 8:13 AM on December 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


the detective named Orwell, obviously

But not everybody will get that. That's just for the scholars a hundred years from now.
posted by Servo5678 at 8:14 AM on December 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


I'm pretty sure the alternate title to "The Munchkin" is "We think we can get Dinklage" and the subtitle to that is "not in a thousand years".

Death at a Funeral, Underdog, and Knights of Badassdom say you're wrong about the subtitle.
posted by maxsparber at 8:17 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


The core idea of being able to record "latent" sound hours after the fact

I can't even imagine a Hollywood scientific explanation of this premise. Something like FTL travel or magic or X-Men powers is so silly that I just kind of go along with it, but sound waves are pretty mundane so I find myself calling BS for some reason. In contrast the Erin's Voice thing is magical realism so sure why not.
posted by freecellwizard at 8:20 AM on December 16, 2014


CGI is now to the point where one could take a pretty good swing at doing "Microcosmic God" or "Surface Tension."


I want this so bad, I just started to hyperventilate at the thought.
posted by blurker at 8:20 AM on December 16, 2014


A little person private eye investigates the disappearance of a young actress in 1930s Hollywood, leading him to uncover conspiracies involving THE WIZARD OF OZ and Metro Goldwyn Mayer brass.

Mark my words, the only reason this movie isn't in production right now is because the script comes too close to the truth.
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:21 AM on December 16, 2014 [8 favorites]


While there was not much to like about Knights of Badassdom, one of the things that I really appreciated is that Dinklage is in that movie just to be awesome, and not to be a Little Person(TM). He's just hangin' out and LARPing with his friends, but his physiology isn't really relevant (nor should it be), and he's just another guy with a Styrofoam sword and a dream.

The ending might undermine that a little -- there's a contrast thing that I think is being used for dramatic effect between him and a giant monster -- but it was kind of nice to finish the movie and be thinking about it later and realize that Dinklage's baseball card stats had zero impact on how his character was written.
posted by Shepherd at 8:21 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


Yes, please make the dark Wonka reboot. Just keep Tim Burton away from it.
posted by mubba at 8:21 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


Coffee And Kareem was likened onto Theodore Rex and thus I will cry into the void of night with pleas of a DVD release
posted by munchingzombie at 8:22 AM on December 16, 2014


#16 is totally Moonraker mashed with Skyfall.
posted by Renoroc at 8:22 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


Death at a Funeral, Underdog, and Knights of Badassdom say you're wrong about the subtitle.

Also Tiptoes, which may be more garbage than all of those, but the dude has legit stardom now.
posted by Artw at 8:23 AM on December 16, 2014


I can't even imagine a Hollywood scientific explanation of this premise. Something like FTL travel or magic or X-Men powers is so silly that I just kind of go along with it, but sound waves are pretty mundane so I find myself calling BS for some reason.

Best case: there's a box that does it.

Worst case: See the movie "Paycheck" and it's stupid time telescope.
posted by Artw at 8:26 AM on December 16, 2014


I could totally handwave my way around that premise. If I wasn't lazy I could even do it without using the word "quantum."

It's honestly not that far from stuff we can do live today. All you need to do is find a way to do it three hours from now.
posted by Naberius at 8:28 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


I already tried Wonka's dark chocolate reboot. It was all right, I guess.

Cocoa's dying, the climate's dying... it's Oompa-Loompas. Wonka Exceptionals are made out of Oompa-Loompas. They're making our chocolate out of Oompa-Loompas. Next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle for food. You've gotta tell them. You've gotta tell them!
posted by Doktor Zed at 8:28 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


It's always a dark, gritty reboot of a beloved childhood property. Why for once can't we have a lighthearted family-friendly reboot of gritty adult fare, like "Psycho" or "No Country for Old Men"?
posted by ardgedee at 8:28 AM on December 16, 2014 [24 favorites]


If I wasn't lazy I could even do it without using the word "quantum."

Or you could hit the bar early, come on.
posted by Artw at 8:30 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


It is that kind of day. Okay, fuck this. I'm in.
posted by Naberius at 8:33 AM on December 16, 2014


Another problem with "Erin's Voice" is not just the obvious setup for yet another Magic Pixie Girl story, it's the implication in the elevator pitch that the guy can only be a whole individual when he's not deaf. And that's kinda ecch.
posted by ardgedee at 8:36 AM on December 16, 2014 [8 favorites]


Why for once can't we have a lighthearted family-friendly reboot of gritty adult fare, like "Psycho" or "No Country for Old Men"?

A father and son take a fun-filled road trip south, hoping to catch some waves and share love and laughter as they avoid the desperately starving cannibalistic survivors of the post-apocalyptic deathscape they live in.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 8:36 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


It's always a dark, gritty reboot of a beloved childhood property. Why for once can't we have a lighthearted family-friendly reboot of gritty adult fare, like "Psycho" or "No Country for Old Men"?

Chris Rock once expressed a desire to remake Arlington Road as a comedy.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:37 AM on December 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


Another problem with "Erin's Voice" is not just the obvious setup for yet another Magic Pixie Girl story, it's the implication in the elevator pitch that the guy can only be a whole individual when he's not deaf. And that's kinda ecch.

It makes one wonder what the story could be like if it was reversed: a man is infatuated with a woman whom he cannot hear.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:38 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


THE SECRET INGREDIENTS OF ROCKEY COLA
Mike Vukadinovich
Twin brothers with opposite personalities are separated at a young age and go on to live drastically different lives, eventually being reunited in the effort to save the company ‘Rocket Cola’ despite their love of the same woman.


I sure hope the "Rockey/Rocket" is either a typo on the transcriber's part or some integral part of the story or a running gag or something because otherwise hoo boy Mr Screenwriter have you some troubles.
posted by Spatch at 8:45 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


Chris Rock once expressed a desire to remake Arlington Road as a comedy.

Arlington Road is a comedy, in the same way that Reefer Madness is. Fucking ridiculous film.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 8:49 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


TRADING PLACES / CLAWING FOR THE TOP

A homeschooled teenager discovers that his parrot Esse squawks when he should buy penny stocks, and grawks when he should sell. But Esse is attacked by Abajo the black cat, so Eric enlists the only household member left who can save his early retirement—El Pawso Grande the dimwitted sheepdog. (Comedy, animated, not erotic)
posted by sylvanshine at 9:10 AM on December 16, 2014


It's always a dark, gritty reboot of a beloved childhood property. Why for once can't we have a lighthearted family-friendly reboot of gritty adult fare, like "Psycho" or "No Country for Old Men"?

In There Will Be Love, rough and tough oilman Daniel Plainview makes the hard decision to send his beloved son off to boarding school to have the education he never had. He frets if he made the right call, but in the end his son returns just in time to help Plainview save his small town from an evil oil company by inspiring the townspeople with their love. The movie ends with the father and son sharing a milkshake.
posted by Sangermaine at 9:24 AM on December 16, 2014 [14 favorites]


Kaspar! A young Kaspar Hauser is discovered by a helpful stranger and, through pluck and determination, becomes the toast of the Munich elite. (Musical)
posted by ardgedee at 9:29 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


It's always a dark, gritty reboot of a beloved childhood property. Why for once can't we have a lighthearted family-friendly reboot of gritty adult fare, like "Psycho" or "No Country for Old Men"?

CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOST OF THE OVERLOOK HOTEL
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 9:37 AM on December 16, 2014 [7 favorites]


GRACE OF THE FIREFLIES

With a little help from some wisecracking magical fireflies, two happy-go-lucky orphans find a new home.
posted by Iridic at 9:43 AM on December 16, 2014 [11 favorites]


PLAY, DOGS!
Two rescue animals find a new home and happiness.
posted by Artw at 9:46 AM on December 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


DELIVERYANCE
Whacky hijinks as four friends take a summer job delivering packages by boat in the north Georgia wilderness. Will they find love?
posted by Artw at 9:49 AM on December 16, 2014 [6 favorites]


My sister reads for the Black List.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 9:49 AM on December 16, 2014


It makes one wonder what the story could be like if it was reversed: a man is infatuated with a woman whom he cannot hear.

Change "cannot" to "refuses to" and this describes my marriage.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 9:50 AM on December 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


You lost me at "not erotic", sylvanshine.
posted by Guy Smiley at 9:50 AM on December 16, 2014


THREADS

The inspiring true story of the people who invented the leisure suit.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 9:58 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


That's kind of been done as The Man In The White Suit.

(It gets dark.)
posted by Artw at 10:03 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


REQUIEM FOR A DREAM: A mom, her son, and her son's two best friends love candy so much that they all have a candy eating contest! Who will win?
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:18 AM on December 16, 2014 [12 favorites]


THE BIG LEBOWSKI

After a fateful visit from a pair of school officials, little Larry Sellers learns what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps.
posted by Monochrome at 10:32 AM on December 16, 2014 [6 favorites]


THE AMITYVILLE HORRORMEOWNERS

A blended family learns to laugh, love, and work together by renovating a distressed property.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:33 AM on December 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


It's always a dark, gritty reboot of a beloved childhood property. Why for once can't we have a lighthearted family-friendly reboot of gritty adult fare, like "Psycho" or "No Country for Old Men"?

Shining
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:34 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


COME AND SEE: Plenty of music - and plenty of heat - at this impromptu church lock-in!
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:34 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


BLACK HAWK DOWN

Three young children of a single mother discover an injured, juvenile black hawk. Together, and with the help of a widower ornithologist, they restore the bird to health and prepare to re-introduce it to the wild. Will the Black Hawk take wing again? And will the ornithologist and the children's mother learn to love again?
posted by nubs at 10:37 AM on December 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN - He's a scamp!
posted by Artw at 10:37 AM on December 16, 2014 [6 favorites]


FULL METAL JACKET

An eccentric tailor goes all in with his new suit design (Animated, erotic).
posted by nubs at 10:40 AM on December 16, 2014 [7 favorites]


THE BROMEN

It's hard enough when your mom is a jackal and your father is the devil, but can Damien Thorn survive rush week at the #1 party school in the USA?
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:43 AM on December 16, 2014 [6 favorites]


AGUIRRE THE PATH OF GOD - Christian inspirational featuring a CGI Klaus Kinski.
posted by Artw at 10:44 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


THE SHOWER
Jac Schaeffer
At a baby shower for their longtime friend, the attendees suddenly find themselves in the middle of a different type of shower: meteors that release a vapor turning men into blood-hungry aliens.


I can just picture the Hollywood scumbag agent saying "a different type of shower" while pitching this to a bunch of mummified studio execs.
posted by Saxon Kane at 10:45 AM on December 16, 2014 [6 favorites]


GUMMO

A light-hearted and inspiring biopic about the forgotten Marx Brother, who leaves show business to work in an animal shelter.
posted by Spatch at 10:47 AM on December 16, 2014 [4 favorites]


ardgedee: It's always a dark, gritty reboot of a beloved childhood property. Why for once can't we have a lighthearted family-friendly reboot of gritty adult fare, like "Psycho" or "No Country for Old Men"?

Mark these up with a twitter hashtag, and...oh dear god no.
posted by Guy Smiley at 10:47 AM on December 16, 2014


HAPPINESS - A prank call turns into a romance, A dad learns to get along with his son's friends, and a young boy learns about himself and what it means to become a man!
posted by Cookiebastard at 10:47 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


the second you realize the lead in this privacy-invading scifi film is named Orwell is the second you cringe uncontrollably.

You know what that's quite far from the worst cringe-inducing name shenanigans Hollywood has pulled. I don't think it would make a good movie regardless, but a character named Orwell is not as bad as shit like Good Will Hunting and John Q. John Q! Get it? Cuz he's an everyman, like John Q Public! And this other guy, we'll call him Will Hunting, so we can make a "clever" title!
posted by Hoopo at 10:49 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON - Magical Scandinavian adventure!
posted by Artw at 10:53 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


You know there are hollywood screenwriters that are reading this thread RIGHT NOW and frantically scribbling down notes, turning our snark into elevator pitches.

You know this, right?
posted by el io at 10:56 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


THE SHOWER
Jac Schaeffer
At a baby shower for their longtime friend, the attendees suddenly find themselves in the middle of a different type of shower: meteors that release a vapor turning men into blood-hungry aliens.


A word change or two, and this one is just begging for the (animated, erotic) tag.
posted by nubs at 10:57 AM on December 16, 2014


SALO, OR THE 120 DAYS OF AWESOME

A gang of plucky youngsters cheer up the grownups in their lives with a series of wacky skits and shenanigans.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:59 AM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


A word change or two, and this one is just begging for the (animated, erotic) tag.

"bloodsex-hungry aliens."

Done.
posted by Saxon Kane at 11:02 AM on December 16, 2014


NO COUNTRY FOR COLD MEN

A retiree, faced with high heating bills, reconnects with his estranged family as they work together to renovate and restore the family home.
posted by nubs at 11:08 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


DOG DAY AFTERSCHOOL

After suffering an injury that prematurely ends his bounty-hunting career, Duane "Dog" Day takes up a new job, providing after-school care for a group of precocious kids
posted by Hoopo at 11:18 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


BLADERUNNER

A police detective works overtime to make enough money to buy his wife a pet sheep.
posted by ennui.bz at 11:43 AM on December 16, 2014 [5 favorites]


ERIN’S VOICE
A deaf computer genius’ world is thrown into turmoil when he meets a troubled coffee shop waitress whose voice turns out to be the only thing he can miraculously hear.


guys

guys

i bet i know exactly where this was written

well

not exactly

but start checking the description of the waitress against starbucks baristas
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:44 AM on December 16, 2014 [8 favorites]


FUNNY GAMES
A tender story about a family that welcomes two new boys to the neighborhood by including them in their Friday night Yahtzee tradition.
posted by jbickers at 11:50 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


Most good movies I have watched would probably sound just as silly if summarized in one or two sentences. What makes a good movie is the execution, not the plot idea itself.
posted by Triplanetary at 11:52 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


The BLACK LIST

An aspiring hollywood writer finally creates his masterpiece after years of toiling with rejections... It looks like his film is going to be greenlighted... He is told by knowledgeable sources he is on the black list. Only to find out that the list he is on is one that ensures no one will ever use his work or read his scripts - he's on the wrong blacklist.
posted by el io at 11:52 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


You know there are hollywood screenwriters that are reading this thread RIGHT NOW and frantically scribbling down notes, turning our snark into elevator pitches.

You know this, right?


ADAPTATION

Wacky hijinks ensue when a cynical screenwriter is forced by court order to work with the wisecracking blogger who originally posted the idea the screenplay is based on. Together, the two discover respect, friendship, and love as they fight to keep true to their artistic vision in the face of studio pressure.
posted by nubs at 11:52 AM on December 16, 2014 [10 favorites]


Only to find out that the list he is on is one that ensures no one will ever use his work or read his scripts - he's on the wrong blacklist.

I can't tell if we've strayed into double dog meta irony or whatever but the unproduced script Black List is named partly as a nod to the McCarthy-era Black List that was indeed a career death sentence for whoever was on it.
posted by Sangermaine at 12:07 PM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


When I was in high school, one of the plays we performed was a farce with a premise similar to Arlington Road: spying on the neighbors, who may or may not be spies, while remaining superficially friendly.
Years later, I noticed that the movie version was going to be on TV, and convinced my brother to watch it with me, telling him how funny it was. It was significantly less funny than our version.
posted by Tool of the Conspiracy at 12:09 PM on December 16, 2014


7. THE MUNCHKIN

This movie was already made.

posted by empath at 12:12 PM on December 16, 2014 [3 favorites]


THE EXITSIST

A highway planner hired to improve traffic flow at a constantly gridlocked highway exit finds himself tempted by bribes of unlimited Slurpees from the gas station owner at the end of the ramp. His commuter-weary girlfriend catches him with blue stained lips. What will he do? Will he make the right choice?
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 12:28 PM on December 16, 2014


In past years, MeFites have banded together to track down the scripts on the list.

Anyone have access? I'd love to read them. Thank you.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 12:34 PM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


I can't even imagine a Hollywood scientific explanation of this premise. Something like FTL travel or magic or X-Men powers is so silly that I just kind of go along with it, but sound waves are pretty mundane so I find myself calling BS for some reason.

I'm pretty sure I saw something like this premise on a TV show (don't recall which) a few years ago. The way they handled it was by using a box that could decouple acoustic impressions from thermal noise when sound waves interact with the walls of a room. You hook your box up to a window pane and it reads out the auditory history of a room like the grooves on a vinyl record. I have no idea how they actually explained it, but that's my Hollywood science explanation.
posted by anifinder at 1:32 PM on December 16, 2014


Chris Rock once expressed a desire to remake Arlington Road as a comedy.

Didn't Tina Fey do that in the second season of 30 Rock, when she thinks her neighbor is a terrorist, but it turns out he's just auditioning for the Amazing Race?
posted by gern at 1:35 PM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


Oh man, that is totally a comedy version of Arlington Road. I loved Arlington Road a lot more than it really earned, so I'm definitely a fan of this idea.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:38 PM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


PRECIOUS everyone is just very nice and middle class, like one of those live action Disney shows.
posted by Artw at 1:43 PM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


Sloppy Sam's Six-Seal Circus is the slickest spectacle in Scandinavia! But what about Shelly Swimsalot, the special seal who's too small for the show? This summer, Shelly will be...

(Starring Shannyn Sossamon as Shelly)
posted by ormondsacker at 1:44 PM on December 16, 2014


PROMETHEUS

A rag-tag bunch of astronauts team up to help a loveable alien find his way back to his home planet ... Hang on ... WAIT!
posted by Sonny Jim at 1:46 PM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


CASABLANCA
Barflies gamble, fuck, and get into fights.
posted by maxsparber at 1:48 PM on December 16, 2014


Lord of the Rings Episode IV: Dances With Wargs.

A ranger, exiled to the land of Mordor, befriends a tribe of Orcs and Goblins, making him enemy #1 to the newly installed protectorate of Gondor.
posted by empath at 2:03 PM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


If done correctly, a dark Willy Wonka reboot could actually be quite amazing. I nominate Del Toro.

Forget it Willy, it's Candy Town.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:17 PM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


I can't even imagine a Hollywood scientific explanation of this premise. Something like FTL travel or magic or X-Men powers is so silly that I just kind of go along with it, but sound waves are pretty mundane so I find myself calling BS for some reason.

It's like Slow Glass! but with sound!
posted by Zed at 2:29 PM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


A detective solving the case of a disturbing film with subliminal images that is killing people who come in contact with it discovers a greater evil. Later, he fights a yeti.

A little person private eye investigates the disappearance of a young actress in 1930s Hollywood, leading him to uncover conspiracies involving THE WIZARD OF OZ and Metro Goldwyn Mayer brass. Later, he fights a yeti.

A genre bending action comedy about a pill popping thug who begins to develop superpowers. Later, he fights a yeti.
posted by Wolfdog at 3:15 PM on December 16, 2014


Hoopo: "And this other guy, we'll call him Will Hunting, so we can make a "clever" title!"

Wait, what's the "clever" play on words in Good Will Hunting? To me it has always just sounded like either "goodwill" and "hunting", which are unrelated words, or "good", "will", and "hunting", three unrelated words. What am I missing?
posted by Bugbread at 4:05 PM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


In certain Frisian dialects, "Good Will Hunting" would be heard as "Them Apples". Hence the clever part.
posted by Wolfdog at 4:20 PM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


I see no Mistborn on the list.

*Downs vial of liquid with metal flakes in it*

*Iron-pulls some loose metal girders in the air, steel-pushes them in the general direction of LA*
posted by A dead Quaker at 4:24 PM on December 16, 2014


> A little person private eye investigates the disappearance of a young actress in 1930s Hollywood, leading him to uncover conspiracies involving THE WIZARD OF OZ and Metro Goldwyn Mayer brass.

Man if this wasn't written specifically with Peter Dinklage in mind, then the writer is an idiot.
posted by mrzarquon at 5:20 PM on December 16, 2014


Because then the pitch is "Tyrion, in a Raymond Chandler novel about a murder on the set of Wizard of Oz"
posted by mrzarquon at 5:21 PM on December 16, 2014


See above. :-)
posted by Artw at 5:36 PM on December 16, 2014


> See above. :-)

I saw, but the pitch line would have sold it. Also now I want to see Peter Dinklage in a straight faced honest to god Raymond Chandler movie.
posted by mrzarquon at 5:42 PM on December 16, 2014


You'd maybe get Jordan Prentice - the not-Dinklage from In Bruge.
posted by Artw at 5:47 PM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]


Have you seen the Station Agent?
posted by mrzarquon at 5:51 PM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


I really should.
posted by Artw at 5:53 PM on December 16, 2014


Because then the pitch is "Tyrion, in a Raymond Chandler novel about a murder on the set of Wizard of Oz"

I really hope the Dinklage Mongo the Magnificent HBO series gets greenlit.
posted by zamboni at 7:26 PM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]


As always, if anyone has copies of these, I'd be glad to receive them ...
posted by alby at 8:42 AM on December 17, 2014


which are unrelated words, or "good", "will", and "hunting", three unrelated words. What am I missing

Hunting for [a gesture of] good will? Kinda works with what happens in the movie; underachieving impossible supergenius janitor gets given opportunity by charitable professor. They wouldn't call it "Good Steve Johnston" or something, they went for some weird pun that doesn't really work well.

Hence the clever part.

that's why i made with the scare quotes
posted by Hoopo at 9:23 AM on December 17, 2014


THE LONG HAUL
Dan Stoller
A self-destructive trucker estranged from his son travels cross country with a problematic nephew whom he barely knows.


With the right actors this could be spectacular.

so let's settle for a gritty reboot of Saved by the Bell

shut up and take my money
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 2:38 PM on December 17, 2014


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