Working together——but not at exactly the same time
December 29, 2014 7:08 AM   Subscribe

"69 demands that we take our unique physical forms, our torsos of varying lengths, our genitals of all sizes and sensitivities, and, instead of bending the position to accommodate them, bend our bodies to the will of the pangeniticon, of the pleasuring machine, of the system that is 69."
posted by Brandon Blatcher (85 comments total) 16 users marked this as a favorite


 
What about Butt Sixty Nine?
posted by oceanjesse at 7:19 AM on December 29, 2014 [3 favorites]


Well, I was going to join Charles Koch in fixing the criminal justice system, but this does seem like a better New Years Resolution.
posted by anotherpanacea at 7:19 AM on December 29, 2014


It's Monday and a little past 10 am on the East Coast. It's a little early to be reading something so bleak.
posted by discopolo at 7:21 AM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]


69 is foreplay fun! Sex is fun!
posted by parki at 7:23 AM on December 29, 2014


While Susan Elizabeth Shepard has done some interesting pieces on such topics as the stripper boom in North Dakota gas-mining towns and media critiques of "The Art of the National Convention Strip Club Trend Piece", her neologism "the Pangeniticon" sounds like either a gathering of dedicated fans of private parts or the worst Doctor Who monster ever.
posted by Doktor Zed at 7:24 AM on December 29, 2014 [7 favorites]


There can be no freedom without an end to the tyrannical mediocrity of 69.

Hyperbole is destroying civilization!
posted by TedW at 7:25 AM on December 29, 2014 [23 favorites]


Poe's Law
posted by I-baLL at 7:26 AM on December 29, 2014 [4 favorites]


Not the "space exploration" post I'd expect from Brandon Blatcher.
posted by fatbird at 7:27 AM on December 29, 2014 [4 favorites]


Okay, we here tend to overthink plates of beans. This author is overthinking the farming of the beans and the manufacture of the plate as well.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:28 AM on December 29, 2014 [19 favorites]


...her neologism "the Pangeniticon" sounds like either a gathering of dedicated fans of private parts or the worst Doctor Who monster ever.

I actually kind of like the word, but am having difficulty coming up with a use for it.
posted by TedW at 7:29 AM on December 29, 2014


Your favorite position sucks.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:31 AM on December 29, 2014 [18 favorites]


About that Poe's Law...

Susan Elizabeth Shepard holds a DGaF in Strippers' Studies. Charlotte Shane is a sexual justice activist working to end the reign of fuckboys on Twitter.
posted by notpace at 7:33 AM on December 29, 2014 [3 favorites]


Your sucking position... favourites?
posted by EndsOfInvention at 7:33 AM on December 29, 2014 [18 favorites]


I remember watching a compelling talk by Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Theodore Logan on this subject. I will try to find the link.
posted by Kabanos at 7:34 AM on December 29, 2014 [3 favorites]


With just a little dialog from The Dude, this could easily be part of the bedroom scene in The Big Lebowski.
posted by peeedro at 7:41 AM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]


It's not like there's a machine you strap yourself to that forces you to hold the position from start to orgasm (OK, probably there is a machine somewhere like a backroom of the SF armory, but it's use is not required). If the position were as the author describes it I wouldn't like it either.
posted by BrotherCaine at 7:41 AM on December 29, 2014 [2 favorites]


This is among the least useful examples of sour, critical theory-inspired jeremiad I've ever seen
posted by clockzero at 7:42 AM on December 29, 2014 [10 favorites]


butts lol
posted by Melismata at 7:43 AM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]


I read it as satire, but maybe they are serious? I honestly can't tell.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:47 AM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]


The Pangeniticon:
"If you want a vision of the future, imagine a genital stamping on a human face - forever."
posted by valkane at 7:53 AM on December 29, 2014 [17 favorites]


I keep clicking on the Pangenit icon but the Pangenit does not open!
posted by I-baLL at 7:54 AM on December 29, 2014 [4 favorites]


This article was really overwrought and uninteresting to me until I pretended it was written by Dawkins and it was about dogs.
posted by cellphone at 7:57 AM on December 29, 2014 [3 favorites]


"If you want a vision of the future, imagine a genital stamping on a human face - forever."

Now illegal in the UK.
posted by Leon at 8:14 AM on December 29, 2014 [12 favorites]


I think they are serious about not liking 69 because they get back and neck cramps and it makes focusing on either half of the action difficult, but are joking about casting this dislike in critical theory-esque lingo (so to speak). I mean if they were serious they'd have to acknowledge how heterocentric this reading of 69 is.
posted by en forme de poire at 8:29 AM on December 29, 2014 [6 favorites]


I'm normally an appreciator of Dry Wit, but this needs a little spritz of something. Just a very light misting.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 8:31 AM on December 29, 2014 [2 favorites]


There can be no freedom without an end to the tyrannical mediocrity of 69. Let us commit to a new world where this vision can be realized.

"LESS SEXUAL VARIETY NOW!" is absolutely the worst motto I have ever heard.

I would go to an anti-puppies-&-kittens rally before I listened to what this nut had to opine on.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 8:31 AM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]


I think they are serious about not liking 69 because they get back and neck cramps and it makes focusing on either half of the action difficult

There's this wonderful invention called the sub-cranial-support-sleep-cushion, commonly known as a "pillow", often found in bedrooms. Wonderful invention.

Hell, sliced-bread doesn't improve the oral sex so...
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 8:35 AM on December 29, 2014 [3 favorites]


from article: “The position also echoes the service economy in its demand (mainly on women) of a convincing performance of pleasure. It's not enough to simply be present and to competently do the job that's asked of you by your lover, you must also appear to simultaneously enjoy said lover's ministrations, regardless of the delicate balancing requiring to keep from suffocating him or breaking his nose. This is a form of emotional labor like that demanded from baristas, servers, and sex workers; not only do you have to do a good job, you have to like it.”

As far as I can tell, there is no sense in which this argument doesn't apply to all sexual positions.

And it seems true. When engaging in sexual congress, one finds that one is forced to feign enjoyment whilst simultaneously attempting to induce enjoyment in another person. This awkward attempt to balance active performance with a passive experience of pleasure cannot possible hope to be successful, and seems clearly emblematic of the awkward compromise workers are forced to strike in a paterno-capitalistic regime.

I agree completely with the author. Sex is just awful. Why would anyone have it?
posted by koeselitz at 8:36 AM on December 29, 2014 [10 favorites]


How about a little 68 and I owe you one?
posted by 724A at 8:43 AM on December 29, 2014 [4 favorites]


To my mind the term is redolent of shag carpets and gold medallions and wide sideburns. Somewhere I ran across it described by the clinical-sounding term 'mutual oral-genital intimacy' and it occurred to me that its acronym, mogi, was a fine substitute. It sounds like an entree at a high-end Japanese restaurant. Mogi. Mogi.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 8:43 AM on December 29, 2014 [13 favorites]


Altering the 69 into a slightly tricky rusty trombone turns the ridiculous to the sublime, albeit with a slight risk of pinching the ulnar nerve through hyperextension of the elbow. This, of course, pretty much necessitates gayness or gay-for-nowness, unless there's another corrosion-prone brass instrument of which I am unaware, but I'll readily cop to the fact that my understanding of copulation is limited by my forty-six years of heterovirginity.

It's just…oh my.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to need to lie down with a Parisette and a cold compress on my forehead.
posted by sonascope at 8:46 AM on December 29, 2014 [4 favorites]


Also, it may be TMI, but I have a counterpoint to this:
Their orgasms are memories of prior orgasms. Hammered over the head (or in the crotch and face) with “pleasure,” they cry out—for pleasure!
...I dunno 'bout you, but every time I've tried this act it was an orgasm for real rather than a "memory of a prior orgasm, and the "crying out" was because I actually was coming. Maybe the author has just had shitty partners?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:54 AM on December 29, 2014 [8 favorites]


Great piece, amusing and honest.
posted by Segundus at 8:55 AM on December 29, 2014 [3 favorites]


Well, that was silly.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 9:09 AM on December 29, 2014


Is there anyone else who thinks of the soixante-neuf drive whenever they hear the term?
posted by TedW at 9:13 AM on December 29, 2014


Well, I do now.
posted by MartinWisse at 9:19 AM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]


Is the-position-that-shall-not-be-numbered the only time straight dudes give head or something?

Cuz yeah, both the giving and the getting are way better / more comfortable if you take turns.
posted by PMdixon at 9:40 AM on December 29, 2014 [2 favorites]


My favorite part of this article was the way "69" looks in the font used for the body copy. Lovely. I am glad it existed, whether seriously or in jest, because I got to savor the perfect circles of the 6 and 9 in pleasing alignment with the tails swishing above and below the pair.

Ironically, the font choice made the two numerals look like they were chastely smooching whilst lying with heads together and feet as far apart as possible, rather than burying heads in each others' loins.
posted by egypturnash at 9:58 AM on December 29, 2014


Performing 69, it seems to me, is the sexual equivalent of eating with chopsticks. It is far from the easiest or most sensible way to take care of the task at hand, but doing so makes one appear sophisticated, open-minded and adventurous, so there will always be incentive to continue with the tradition.
posted by The Gooch at 10:05 AM on December 29, 2014 [7 favorites]


The rare honest lover may tell you that your pleasure is not his concern, that he just wants his cock sucked while he has his face in your pussy because he likes that, and whether you like it or not is of no concern to him. That honesty relieves one of the duty to feign or attempt to find pleasure, but it hardly makes the enterprise less annoying.

Inevitably, a man such as this will make a great show of this request testifying to his "love" of "pleasing" a woman.
YUSSSSSSS. Every time I've been with a man who gets all, "Yeah, let's do 69 now!" as soon as we get into bed, it turns out that he thinks of himself as this super-special, munificent, and generally enlightened soul who has so magnanimously chosen to do his woman a favor with this One Special Trick.

They honestly don't give a damn whether their partner actually likes it, but they always in couch it in terms of her enjoyment anyway -- "Hey, I'm not one to just lay back and receive, I'm going to give The Woman some pleasure, too!" to give the impression that they're being generous instead of selfish. It always seems like they expect her reaction to range from grudging tolerance to "Wow! What a guy!" without leaving any room for the possibility that she just don't/won't dig it at all. To that end, there's always a clear tell that the guy isn't nearly as enlightened about sex as he thinks he is: He never even asks me if I'd be into it.

And when I stop and say, no, actually, let's not, because I seriously hate 69, they act like I'm just being puritanical or uptight or self-conscious! I know Cosmo or porn or whatever says that All Women Love X Even If They Deny It, but sorry, bro, we really don't (#notallwomen). So then they take the tack of trying to convince me that there's something wrong with my boundary, like I'm unwittingly denying myself some impossible pleasure, like I don't know my own body. But dude, can't you just let me give head without having to think about how much my upper arms are aching? I'm awesome at it and I love doing it, but I strongly prefer to limit my multitasking to the 50-hour/week confines of my cubicle and desk. And can't you just let me get head without having to maintain my balance on all fours with my elbows akimbo and my torso scrunched up just so? Besides, if either of us are any good at what we're doing, we're going to get distracted anyway -- I'm not getting down with you because I want to make work, man!
Charlotte Shane is a sexual justice activist working to end the reign of fuckboys on Twitter.
Charlotte Shane previously and previouslier (second link). Pretty much my hero.

tl;dr - I really loved this! Thanks for posting it.
posted by divined by radio at 10:12 AM on December 29, 2014 [13 favorites]


" It is far from the easiest or most sensible way to take care of the task at hand, but doing so makes one appear sophisticated, open-minded and adventurous, so there will always be incentive to continue with the tradition."

Oh? Is that why people in China, Vietnam, Korea and Japan eat with them?
posted by I-baLL at 10:12 AM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]


This is a parody of bad theory right?
Further examination of 69 confronts us with an unfortunate truth: it is a distinctly capitalistic, efficiency-emphasizing endeavor that erases the unique personhood of each participant by relying on a crude approximation of how human bodies fit together if human bodies are conceived of as identical, two-dimensional figures like the numbers of its name.
Is the stupidest thing I've read all year and I just finished grading 50 freshman philosophy papers. I stopped reading there. I'm going with parody.

But yeah, 69 is no fun.
posted by dis_integration at 10:13 AM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]


from Alaistair Crowley's Book Of Lies:

Psalm 69:
THE WAY TO SUCCEED -- AND THE WAY TO SUCK EGGS!

This is the Holy Hexagram.

Plunge from the height, O God, and interlock with Man!

Plunge from the height, O Man, and interlock with Beast!

The Red Triangle is the descending tongue of grace; the Blue Triangle is the ascending tongue of prayer.

This Interchange, the Double Gift of Tongues, the Word of Double Power -- ABRAHADABRA! -- is the sign of the GREAT WORK, for the GREAT WORK is accomplished in Silence. And behold, is not that Word equal to Cheth, that is Cancer, whose Sigil is 69?

This Work also eats up itself, accomplishes its own end, nourishes the worker, leaves no seed, is perfect in itself.

Little children, love one another!
posted by empath at 10:19 AM on December 29, 2014 [2 favorites]


Wendell's First Law of Sexuality:
"There are three kinds of cis sexual positions, those that are better for the man, those that are better for the woman, and those that are better for the camera operator."

I think the 69 is None of the Above.
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:02 PM on December 29, 2014 [7 favorites]


The talk about the delicate gymnastics required to avoid suffocating or breaking noses! Can't both partners be on their sides?
posted by Pronoiac at 12:23 PM on December 29, 2014 [2 favorites]


Can't both partners be on their sides?

That and it's possible for gay and lesbian couples to 69 also.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:28 PM on December 29, 2014 [2 favorites]


Welcome to the machine. Unless you match your SO just right.

In which case, carry on.

Jesus, the kids are lazy with their sexy these days. Get off my wild, unkempt, and unmanicured lawn.
posted by clvrmnky at 12:30 PM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]


I'll say one thing for this discussion - it's making my day's work in a nearly-abandoned office a lot more entertaining.

If a bit awkward.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:41 PM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]


I've always felt 69 is up there with sex in the shower, better on paper than practice. Either you put up with accidentally elbows, constant requests for shifts of position and obtuse angles or you are a cephalopod.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 12:45 PM on December 29, 2014 [3 favorites]


What about a 69 in the shower?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:55 PM on December 29, 2014


What about a 69 in the shower?

Sorry, I'm spoken for.
posted by ogooglebar at 1:14 PM on December 29, 2014 [8 favorites]


Charlotte Shane is a sexual justice activist working to end the reign of fuckboys on Twitter.
I don't even know what this means, but it sounds cool. It sounds all futurey, like a line from a story that was left out of Dangerous Visions.
posted by octobersurprise at 1:27 PM on December 29, 2014


I'm picturing all the "fuckboys on Twitter" as fairly petite, somewhat androgynous-looking guys in their 20's all with shirts unbuttoned to their navels, hairless chests, and fedoras with blue feathers stuck in them.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:30 PM on December 29, 2014 [4 favorites]


THE WAY TO SUCCEED -- AND THE WAY TO SUCK EGGS!

Great, now we have to swear you to the IX° O.T.O.
posted by malocchio at 1:32 PM on December 29, 2014


The nice thing is that south some lobbying, they can probably get legislation passed banning the 69 in several states, starting with Texas. And of course England.
posted by happyroach at 1:36 PM on December 29, 2014


While it is possible that two bodies might be so perfectly proportioned that, when flipped to be positioned feet to head with one another, the genitals and face align perfectly
I think I see why she's having trouble with this.
posted by dg at 2:17 PM on December 29, 2014 [5 favorites]


69 is my favourite, because it is democratic, it suggests a commitment to mutual pleasure, and it has lots and lots of body contact. it's the whitman of sex acts.
posted by PinkMoose at 2:25 PM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]


I have never been with a partner where our proportions made 69ing feasible. I assumed it was just another French boast that was born of bravado and a commitment to theory over practice.
posted by klangklangston at 2:38 PM on December 29, 2014 [2 favorites]


I'm not going to tell anyone else how to get off, but I find a good 69 to be pretty fucking hot. It's definitely a foreplay thing, not the main attraction, but for a warm-up it's pretty great. No need to keep doing it until someone gets off--that'd take ages! It's just a nice change-up of angles and vantage points. Get a little drunk and just have fun with it, you guys. Jeez.

If the dudebro you're laying doesn't care about your pleasure and just wants his cock sucked, dump that dude and try someone else, don't blame the 69.
posted by skullhead at 2:48 PM on December 29, 2014 [5 favorites]


A true sexual artist does not allow their ministrations to be so pointlessly impeded and constrained.

Instead they write a rambling screed attempting to universalize their idiosyncratic dislike
posted by Greg Nog at 3:25 PM on December 29, 2014 [2 favorites]


I assumed it was just another French boast that was born of bravado and a commitment to theory over practice.

Granted, it is the panopticon of sexual acts.
posted by Dip Flash at 3:35 PM on December 29, 2014 [4 favorites]


Performing 69, it seems to me, is the sexual equivalent of eating with chopsticks.

I mean, I'd liken it more to eating peanut butter with a knife out of the jar. It's not like it's the BEST way to do it, but like, every once in a while, why not, man, you're here on this earth for like threescore and ten, let's No Gods No Masters this jar of Skippy
posted by Greg Nog at 3:35 PM on December 29, 2014 [18 favorites]


you are a cephalopod

#stopoctosexshaming2k15
posted by poffin boffin at 3:49 PM on December 29, 2014 [4 favorites]


No need to keep doing it until someone gets off--that'd take ages!

Nooooooooooooooooooooooot necessarily.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:32 PM on December 29, 2014 [6 favorites]


let's No Gods No Masters this jar of Skippy

It's pronounced "JIF."
posted by louche mustachio at 6:41 PM on December 29, 2014 [2 favorites]


Comment #66...
posted by billder at 6:59 PM on December 29, 2014


It's pronounced "JIF."

No, you're thinking of a circle jerk.
posted by PMdixon at 7:21 PM on December 29, 2014


Metafilter: born of bravado and a commitment to theory over practice.

(I kid. You know I love you all, right? But that one was too good to let slip by.)
posted by _Mona_ at 7:43 PM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]


A true sexual artist does not allow their ministrations to be so pointlessly impeded and constrained.

I didn't notice this until Greg Nog highlighted this, but this sounds like something Oglaf would have fun with. "Sexual artistry cannot be limited by our bodies or mere sexual positions!"
posted by Pronoiac at 8:00 PM on December 29, 2014 [2 favorites]


This is the 70th comment in this thread.
posted by spitbull at 8:20 PM on December 29, 2014 [5 favorites]


you get a favorite for counting!
posted by klangklangston at 12:13 AM on December 30, 2014


both the giving and the getting are way better / more comfortable if you take turns.

Nice thing about the 69 is that the taking turns can happen at a pleasantly conversational pace.
posted by flabdablet at 5:06 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


It's hard to say how far the article's tongue is in its, er, cheek. But like the best satire, it teases out the unexamined implications of a discourse. In this case, it's a great demonstration of how theory-heavy discourse can be oppressively perscriptivist while dressing up its moralizing demands in a sort of second-hand Marxism.
posted by ThatFuzzyBastard at 6:40 AM on December 30, 2014


Yeah, I was surprised by the author's creative limitations when reading this piece. Why is the "top" assumed to be a woman?
posted by touchstone033 at 6:44 AM on December 30, 2014


""There are three kinds of cis sexual positions, those that are better for the man, those that are better for the woman, and those that are better for the camera operator.""

Eh, I think "cis" is not the right word for this. I think the person who wrote that meant "heterosexual".
posted by I-baLL at 9:45 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


Holy moly - the whole rest of the webzine is exactly like this. I feel like applying to work there as an advice columnist where all of my answers would all just be a variant on the same advice I'd give everyone - "stop thinking so god-damn much and just fuck".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:28 AM on December 30, 2014 [4 favorites]


A couple of pillows help the neck a lot. The author has not heard of pillows?
posted by BentFranklin at 12:18 PM on December 30, 2014


Whether this is painfully sincere but misguided intellectualizing of sexual tastes or parody, it is hilarious.
posted by Mental Wimp at 1:06 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]


nobody else has tried lying on their sides? not with all this talk of arranging pillows? much more relaxing.
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 2:38 PM on December 30, 2014


Just lie on the belly of the next person in the train.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:27 PM on December 30, 2014


Oh! 69! I get it now. It's a /decimal/ number. I was trying to figure out what was so hot about a 069 octal bit mask.

I thought it was light BDSM or heavy cosplay.

So this is about having 69 partners in some amount of time per time. As in the calculus of sex. Got it. Very regressive.
posted by clvrmnky at 5:28 PM on December 30, 2014


What about a 69 in the shower?

That would require a standing 69, but apparently that technique is ONLY For Bodybuilders.
posted by homunculus at 10:51 PM on December 30, 2014


OR ASTRONAUTS, ALSO ASTRONAUTS
posted by en forme de poire at 3:18 AM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]


OR ASTRONAUTS, ALSO ASTRONAUTS

ALL THESE SEXUAL POSITIONS ARE YOURS EXCEPT FOR THE 69. ATTEMPT NO FUCKING THERE.
posted by happyroach at 3:55 PM on December 31, 2014 [6 favorites]


you are a cephalopod

#notalloctopi
posted by chavenet at 9:14 AM on January 9, 2015


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