Chilling
December 31, 2014 4:13 AM   Subscribe

Today I Learned Something about My Boyfriend That No Girl Should Ever Have to Discover
posted by josher71 (150 comments total) 27 users marked this as a favorite
 
Chilling.

And in other news: I just learned that my cat is secretly living a double life as a clone of Hitler.
posted by cstross at 4:25 AM on December 31, 2014 [5 favorites]


He's a chicken, I tell you! A giant chicken!
posted by Wolfdog at 4:27 AM on December 31, 2014 [40 favorites]


You know that's just three kids inside of a trenchcoat, right? How am I the only one seeing this?
posted by indubitable at 4:27 AM on December 31, 2014 [82 favorites]


Hot dogs? I had a co-worker who's head was basically a balloon filled with grits. Now there's a real problem.
posted by Namlit at 4:29 AM on December 31, 2014 [10 favorites]


And he could've gotten away with it, if not for those meddling kids.
posted by ardgedee at 4:29 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]




Meat should always be kept chilled so as to minimise the risk of food poisoning, so the title of this post is most apt.

Also, I guess this is meant to be funny, and maybe I'm just an old grouch, but I didn't find it funny.
posted by marienbad at 4:38 AM on December 31, 2014 [18 favorites]


did anybody scroll to the bottom and say, 'huh, yeah, it feels like it was written by a guy' or was that just me
posted by angrycat at 4:42 AM on December 31, 2014 [31 favorites]


Joining us for late afternoon tea in a 4-way
Is my old next-door neighbor Jimbo and his wife,
Who is a chicken.

Since I'm the only woman there with hands,
I soon find myself fully occupied.
I can't help but wonder how Jimbo and his wife had their baby,
Who had been sleeping next to us, but had since fallen onto the floor.
She must be able to change forms, back and forth.
And what about chicken pussy?
Is it enticing?
I mean what's the story?

posted by Devils Rancher at 4:43 AM on December 31, 2014 [4 favorites]


It is official, I am old and the Internet has passed me by.
posted by sonic meat machine at 4:44 AM on December 31, 2014 [23 favorites]


did anybody scroll to the bottom and say, 'huh, yeah, it feels like it was written by a guy'

For me it was more like 'huh, yeah, it feels like it was written by a person with the barest sliver of an idea'.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:48 AM on December 31, 2014 [62 favorites]


did anybody scroll to the bottom and say, 'huh, yeah, it feels like it was written by a guy' or was that just me

I don't know if it was just you. It wasn't me. I'm a guy. I'm curious why you would say that.
posted by 7segment at 4:48 AM on December 31, 2014


You guys? WHERE ARE THE SPOILER WARNINGS!?!
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:52 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


I larfed. If it helps, squint your eyes and pretend it's posted at The Toast instead of Medium!
posted by Admiral Haddock at 4:54 AM on December 31, 2014 [14 favorites]


This is why I always include a recent full-body photo in my OKCupid profile and begin with "I am two hot dogs in a mohair sweater. If you are meatist, we will not get along." So tired of people acting all flirty online and bailing when we meet in the highly-processed flesh.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:55 AM on December 31, 2014 [20 favorites]


I kept on parsing it as "old, hot, dogs". Perhaps this made the article less rib-ticklingly funny than it would otherwise have been.
posted by Joe in Australia at 4:57 AM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]


Metafilter: the barest sliver of an idea
posted by josher71 at 4:58 AM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


Looks like lorem ipsum dolor... is now a thing of the past.
posted by Chuffy at 5:06 AM on December 31, 2014 [6 favorites]


So is this a "should I eat this?" Or not? I'm confused.
posted by pearlybob at 5:07 AM on December 31, 2014 [9 favorites]


I LIKE IT I THINK ITS FUNNY
posted by wemayfreeze at 5:18 AM on December 31, 2014 [4 favorites]


He don't want none unless you've got buns, hon.
posted by erniepan at 5:18 AM on December 31, 2014 [37 favorites]


What becomes of the broken Onion pitch, part 47.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:22 AM on December 31, 2014 [10 favorites]


This is the most inane thing I have read on the 'net since I perused the website of a man who is under the insane delusion that he looks like President Obama.
posted by Monkeymoo at 5:23 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


Mark's a fuckin weenie, is all I'm saying.
posted by disclaimer at 5:24 AM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]


Come to think of it, there was something a little off about the tone of the piece. Like when you're hanging out with three of your besties, shoe shopping and sipping lattes, and one of them launches into a gripping story about the birth control pill that lets you have your period only four times a year! And then your other friend, who is a beautiful, thin, racially ambiguous doctor, helpfully adds that this pill is not an option for women who smoke, weigh over 150 pounds, or have high blood pressure, so basically not you, Jill, no offense. Everyone laughs, throwing their heads back and exposing perfectly aligned, dazzlingly white teeth. Jill looks up from the chocolate croissant she was in the middle of salting, stubs out her Marlboro, and mumbles, "none taken."
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:26 AM on December 31, 2014 [73 favorites]


I've known a few Marks in my time.
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:27 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


This is what the twilight series has given us: A total readiness to accept any type of completely off-the-wall comparison, metaphor, you have it, as actually deep, smart and witty.

"A couple of old hot dogs inside of a very tiny, mohair sweater"...my inner editor goes on alert right there: why mohair? Does any other type of wool qualify? Why a sweater? Why tiny? And yes, why hotdogs, several: one hotdog, yeah, I've seen that in dudes, though not usually in their sweaters, but a bunch of them seems confusing. Finally, yuck, why old.
posted by Namlit at 5:28 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


You guys? WHERE ARE THE SPOILER WARNINGS!?!

on the package - which part of "keep refrigerated" didn't you understand?
posted by pyramid termite at 5:29 AM on December 31, 2014 [21 favorites]


"A couple of old hot dogs inside of a very tiny, mohair sweater"...my inner editor goes on alert right there: why mohair? Does any other type of wool qualify? Why a sweater? Why tiny? And yes, why hotdogs, several: one hotdog, yeah, I've seen that in dudes, though not usually in their sweaters, but a bunch of them seems confusing. Finally, yuck, why old.

To have a full understanding of the answer to these societal concerns, one must understand what the philosopher Ralph Wiggum stated, "Sleep! That's where I'm a viking!" Obviously, this statement is much more than about wool and frankfurters, but on the other hand, it is not.
posted by NoMich at 5:34 AM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]


Can I have some of what you've got there?
posted by Namlit at 5:36 AM on December 31, 2014


DTMFA.
posted by SinisterPurpose at 5:39 AM on December 31, 2014 [10 favorites]


I think this explains several previous relationships. Dang.
posted by pemberkins at 5:41 AM on December 31, 2014


also hotdogs in sweater are actually called bangers and mesh in cultured countries.
posted by Namlit at 5:43 AM on December 31, 2014 [37 favorites]


mark's story is a tragic one - the kids dared him to put on the sweater and go into the bathroom with the lights off and stare into the mirror, and sing the song 3 times ...

"i wish i was an oscar meyer weiner ..."
posted by pyramid termite at 5:49 AM on December 31, 2014 [18 favorites]


This is what the twilight series has given us: A total readiness to accept any type of completely off-the-wall comparison, metaphor, you have it, as actually deep, smart and witty.

If the big reveal of Twilight is that the boyfriend is actually hotdogs wrapped up in a sweater, I hereby revise my opinion of the entire franchise.
posted by escabeche at 5:49 AM on December 31, 2014 [56 favorites]


attention mods - you should give mark a free membership - he'd look just great on a plate of beans
posted by pyramid termite at 5:56 AM on December 31, 2014 [15 favorites]


I kept waiting to see where it was going.
posted by doctor_negative at 5:56 AM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


They can't play baseball, they don't wear sweaters, they're not good dancers, they don't play drums.
posted by flabdablet at 5:58 AM on December 31, 2014 [18 favorites]


not funny. this actually happened to me.
posted by The_Auditor at 5:59 AM on December 31, 2014 [7 favorites]


It is official, I am old and the Internet has passed me by.

This sort of thing started long before the Internet, and it's been done much better.
posted by clawsoon at 6:01 AM on December 31, 2014 [5 favorites]


This reminded me a little of a collection of short stories by Curtis White, especially "Combat": "In the episode of Combat titled 'Command,' my father was a German pontoon bridge built over a narrow French river." It's less relevant, but in other stories, his father is a contestant on rigged game shows from the 50s, becomes a trickster character called the Wild Father written into the margins of "Bonanza," and has connections to other shows like "Sea Hunt," "Have Gun--Will Travel," etc. Those stories have a personal/emotional element to them, though, that makes the strange joking cut fairly deep.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 6:03 AM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


This is one of those good reminders that humor isn't as easy as those that are good at it make it look.
posted by bleep at 6:04 AM on December 31, 2014 [15 favorites]


I ... just ...

Is it supposed to be funny? This is an honest question. Because, I mean, what ... like, why is it so important that the sweater is not a large sweater? Over the course of this short piece, the sweater is called "very tiny", "mini", "tiny, little", "fit for a newborn". It is apparently very important to the humor that the sweater is small. Why?

And for that matter, why the similar specificity throughout? Why a sweater at all? Why a mohair sweater? Why hot dogs? Why OLD hot dogs? Why specifically old hot dogs in a tiny mohair sweater, to the point that the piece must repeat, over and over, that 1) they are hot dogs, 2) which are old, 3) in a sweater, 4) made of mohair, 5) which is quite small? Why is that funny in the first place? Why is repeating it funny?

Or is it not supposed to be funny? Have I misjudged? Is it just supposed to be surrealist? Like, my boyfriend turned out to be bathtub filled with brightly colored balloons?
posted by kyrademon at 6:05 AM on December 31, 2014 [5 favorites]


Actually, he's a broom.
posted by clvrmnky at 6:08 AM on December 31, 2014


Well, if he's kosher hot dogs, I have a friend who'd like to meet him.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 6:09 AM on December 31, 2014 [4 favorites]


I kept waiting to see where it was going

to test whether the hot dogs are too old, put them on a plate and tilt the plate. If where they're going is uphill, throw them out.
posted by Namlit at 6:10 AM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


the big reveal is that she is, in fact, a writhing sentient mass of voles...
posted by ennui.bz at 6:11 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


Why is repeating it funny?
you can well ask that again
posted by Namlit at 6:11 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


why is it so important that the sweater is not a large sweater?

Well, if it were a normal size sweater, a couple of hot dogs would be lost in it. It would just be a puddled up sweater on the floor or the gym bench or wherever and you'd hardly notice it had two old hot dogs in it until someone picked it up, probably just to throw it away, and the hot dogs came tumbling out like Tetsuo's intestines in Akira.

And that's sad, not funny. That's like Ikea lamp sad. You monster.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:19 AM on December 31, 2014 [15 favorites]


We're going to need some bigger hotdogs.
posted by clvrmnky at 6:20 AM on December 31, 2014


Hotdogs are people!
posted by clvrmnky at 6:21 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


You have to scroll back up to the picture at the top of the page
posted by KateViolet at 6:22 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


Don't know what you guys read but I found it a moving testament to the power of love.
posted by Flashman at 6:24 AM on December 31, 2014 [4 favorites]


I'm disappointed in this community. I guess none of you has considered how hurtful this might be to people like myself who are just a couple hot dogs inside a sweater.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 6:25 AM on December 31, 2014 [6 favorites]


I kept waiting to see where it was going.

Bingo. Maybe I've become an Old but I just totally did not get this at all. It's either clever and I'm stupid, or the other way around. Not sure which.

This is the most inane thing I have read on the 'net since I perused the website of a man who is under the insane delusion that he looks like President Obama.

I don't think it's a delusion.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:26 AM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


TRIGGER WARNING: hot dogs
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:28 AM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]


DTMFA.
posted by SinisterPurpose at 8:39 AM on December 31 [2 favorites +] [!]


Dump the mohaired frankenfurter already.
posted by emelenjr at 6:30 AM on December 31, 2014 [30 favorites]


Now I know why I never made it as a comedy writer.
posted by spock at 6:32 AM on December 31, 2014


I would say that the guy who looks like Barack Obama looks more like Barack Obama than he does two old hot dogs inside a tiny sweater.
posted by drlith at 6:32 AM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


There is a lot of humor, especially in those skit-based movies (eg Anchorman 2), where I see the joke and I get the joke, but the joke isn't funny. This is the skit humor of essays, and it just wasn't funny to me. I could clearly see how it was meant to be funny, but the connection just wasn't there.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:35 AM on December 31, 2014 [11 favorites]


Louis Sachar did it. (Skip down to the last one)
posted by officer_fred at 6:35 AM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]


People have been a collection of things on metafilter previously, and a tiny bit less previously.
posted by johnnydummkopf at 6:39 AM on December 31, 2014


And for that matter, why the similar specificity throughout? Why a sweater at all? Why a mohair sweater? Why hot dogs? Why OLD hot dogs? Why specifically old hot dogs in a tiny mohair sweater

Over-specification is a pretty common source of humor, and it can be a pretty good (if somewhat overdone) one. I saw it a lot in my improv days, and when balanced properly and done thoughtfully it can actually be really funny.

This piece was none of those, unfortunately. It read like someone who has seen other people do it and assumed that repeatedly being really specific was all that there was to being funny.

Honestly, now that I think about it that's what struck me most about the piece. It read like an attempt at humor by someone who has seen a lot of it but doesn't understand it. It's the kind of draft, still-learning-the-craft piece that a humorist still in the process of learning what does and doesn't work would write, which is a perfectly reasonable think to do while you're learning, except then maybe don't post it online?
posted by Itaxpica at 6:46 AM on December 31, 2014 [6 favorites]


And the ever off-kilter Will Laren.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 6:46 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


#notallhotdogsintinymohairsweaters
posted by fullerine at 6:47 AM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]


Comedy defies analysis; it either works on you or it doesn't, and who knows why? That's probably why it gets less critical respect than other genres...there's not as much to talk about. Anyway, I laughed.
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:48 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


This is what the twilight series has given us:

To be fair, Twilight has been a regular Pandora's box. The most awful thing to come out of it, though, has surely been 50 Shades of Grey.
posted by localroger at 6:50 AM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


"I haven't told you everything yet," said Jessica. "I wanted to give Mark the benefit of the doubt; I thought he might have some kind of explanation for his seeming to be a couple of hot dogs in a sweater. I invited him to my house and when I opened the door, my poodle Pixie got loose, and and ..."

She buried her face in her hands helplessly. "Pixie ate him."
posted by pyramid termite at 6:50 AM on December 31, 2014


It would be a pretty funny tweet, or possibly a few tweets. But otherwise, eh.
posted by emjaybee at 6:53 AM on December 31, 2014


This reminded me of this post by kat_ratmaze/xmaslemmings:
A number of long distance friendships that were extremely important to me have turned out to be Schwarzenegger sound board pranks. Please understand you are still in my heart and my thoughts but if your voice sounds even slightly like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s I am going to need some time and distance right now.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 6:54 AM on December 31, 2014 [13 favorites]


Y'all some bustas, this was funny.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 6:55 AM on December 31, 2014 [6 favorites]


so ... whatever happened to the doublemint twins?
posted by pyramid termite at 7:02 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


Comedy defies analysis

The ghost of Dr. Asimov is holding for you on line 2.
posted by localroger at 7:05 AM on December 31, 2014


larfed. If it helps, squint your eyes and pretend it's posted at The Toast instead of Medium!

It also helps if you're a bit sleep deprived and tending towards grumpy, and you are upset that someone posted linkbait verbatum from an article, but you go ahead and read the article anyway, expecting some terrible truth lurking below the entry paragraph.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:11 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


See, I thought this was a parody of those hideously awful EliteDaily posts that are currently filling my Facebook timeline with the most shallow, ridiculous heteronormative pablum.

I mean, it's certainly a parody of clickbait crap, right? People here are apparently reading this as though it's just apparent surrealism, but the headline and the style are pretty clearly clickbait.

I'm not saying whether it's funny, mind you. Just saying what the point seemed to be.
posted by koeselitz at 7:14 AM on December 31, 2014 [4 favorites]


Comedy defies analysis; it either works on you or it doesn't, and who knows why?

I disagree 100%, and I think it's a lazy out. I mentioned earlier my improv years - all throughout college I was part of a small, very good improv group. We practiced at least 5-6 hours a week, had at least one show a month, and participated in competitions regularly. As part of all this, we were constantly analysing our comedy. We would run set after set in practice, debriefing about what did and didn't work. We would do post-show rundowns where we discussed what got laughs and why. We analysed hard, and we were a much funnier group for it. If you think most successful comedians don't do the same process of adjusting their work based on feedback over time on some more or less formal level you are totally wrong.

Saying "comedy can't be analysed" is an easy way out of having to do the actual hard work of improving your craft.
posted by Itaxpica at 7:14 AM on December 31, 2014 [5 favorites]


where I thought 'a guy wrote this' was the description of crying at a cafe or some shit. It was all sadness, sort of like a parody of 'a girl' getting shitty news about the boyfriend via 'a girl' conversation.

the thing missing was anger. if my partner deceived me in X significant way, my maybe second reaction would be rage.

this read to me as a guy's taking 'a girl thing' and writing satire about it, but it falls flat because it's not grounded in reality in terms of what the emotional reaction would be.
posted by angrycat at 7:18 AM on December 31, 2014 [7 favorites]


I was part of a small, very good improv group

Beg the question much?
posted by 7segment at 7:21 AM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


this is sort of a sore point with me; in my writer's group a bunch of guys inevitably decide they are going to write about these female characters and show off their chops by writing from a woman's point of view. The nadir for me came when this guy submitted a draft of this thing that was from the point of a view of a child prostitute and it was this crazy black comedy.

so I may be oversensitive to it.
posted by angrycat at 7:23 AM on December 31, 2014


I was part of a small, very good improv group

Beg the question much?


Well, we thought we were very good. And our audience liked us a lot. But both we and our audience were a bunch of 18-22 year olds, so maybe take that with a massive grain of salt.
posted by Itaxpica at 7:26 AM on December 31, 2014


the thing missing was anger. if my partner deceived me in X significant way, my maybe second reaction would be rage.

I don't disagree about the larger point, but this sort of misunderstanding could happen without any deception from the hot dogs.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:36 AM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


(I'd like to welcome that sentence to the English language)
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:37 AM on December 31, 2014 [16 favorites]


BBQTMFA.
posted by sebastienbailard at 7:38 AM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


So we met up an hour later at the Jitterbug Cafe, our favorite java-spot to sip cappuccino and check out acoustic guitar music on a Friday Night.

I was prepared to hate it and then, BAAHAAHAA. Funny.
posted by kinetic at 7:43 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


But, but what is that thing on the step behind her? The photo seems centered on it. Is it a stick? Is it more metaphor that doesn't work? I don't understand anything about this piece except that it does resemble click-bait.
posted by Hobgoblin at 7:48 AM on December 31, 2014


I bet they were Armour hot dogs. What kind of girl dates Armour hot dogs?
posted by jonmc at 7:50 AM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


Comedy defies analysis; it either works on you or it doesn't, and who knows why?

I disagree 100%, and I think it's a lazy out.
(emphasis added)

I don't think the point was that no one has spent fruitful hours pondering what is, and what isn't funny (see Freud, Plato, Bergson, Raskin, probably one or two other people in the last 2500 years of human thought); it's that despite the best efforts of leading philosophers and gifted college improv teams, some things are still inexplicably funny or not funny to different people, and/or hot dogs in sweaters.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:51 AM on December 31, 2014


The thing is, the cooked meat isn't strong enough to hold those pockets forever. Eventually it'll cool and those pockets will shrink, even smaller than when they started. That's when you end up with a dry, wrinkly sausage.
posted by 0 at 8:00 AM on December 31, 2014


Wurst boyfriend ever.
posted by Segundus at 8:04 AM on December 31, 2014 [27 favorites]


I bet they were Armour hot dogs. What kind of girl dates Armour hot dogs?

Fat girls, skinny girls, girls who climb on rocks...
posted by misha at 8:07 AM on December 31, 2014 [6 favorites]


"A couple of old hot dogs inside of a very tiny, mohair sweater"...my inner editor goes on alert right there

Mine too, but it was because of that fucking comma.
posted by RogerB at 8:16 AM on December 31, 2014 [12 favorites]


He would be a perfect match for Bun E. Carlos!
posted by TedW at 8:28 AM on December 31, 2014


Proof positive that humor is indeed subjective.
posted by IndigoJones at 8:32 AM on December 31, 2014


Wait until she finds out her whole high school is fake.
posted by Naberius at 8:37 AM on December 31, 2014


At least she didn't wake up without a nose only to later find that her nose has managed to acquire a higher rank in the civil service than she has and refuses to return to her face.
posted by MikeMc at 8:50 AM on December 31, 2014 [5 favorites]


Mark's strong pro-Israel views should have tipped her off that he was really a Hebrew National.
posted by dephlogisticated at 8:50 AM on December 31, 2014 [6 favorites]


Proof positive that humor is indeed subjective.

Indeed. And this thread is proof positive that there's any number of Metafilter users who are a damn sight funnier than the link they're commenting on.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 9:04 AM on December 31, 2014 [9 favorites]


I liked it. It reminded me of Daddy was a 9-iron by Michael Fowler.
posted by dmh at 9:05 AM on December 31, 2014


Mark's strong pro-Israel views should have tipped her off that he was really a Hebrew National.

Can I just say that the Hebrew National 97% Fat Free dogs are, seriously, just shockingly good for an almost-entirely-tofu dog? Because it is the truth!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:09 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


I dont know about you guys; I just relished the opportunity to post this on facebook. Makes me look sensitive.
posted by redsparkler at 9:10 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


This is the stupidest fucking thing I ever read.
posted by Seekerofsplendor at 9:10 AM on December 31, 2014


Of course, by now, all of my friends probably realize that anything on my Facebook page that appears sincere is most likely nothing of the sort.
posted by redsparkler at 9:16 AM on December 31, 2014


1 in 10 Metafilter users are Mr.Yuk stickers.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:17 AM on December 31, 2014 [4 favorites]


Here's some follow-up material, for anyone who's interested: Hot Dogs or Legs?
posted by redsparkler at 9:17 AM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]




Ctrl+F "Janna Hayspice"

No matches found


wtf come on

Ctrl+F "Onion"

1 match


not it, seriously Metafilter??

Ctrl+F "previously"

oh ok there we go

this thread checks out
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:22 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


I just relished the opportunity to post this on facebook

iseewhatyoudidthere.jpg
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:26 AM on December 31, 2014 [5 favorites]


G*TMFA

(*Garnish)
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:27 AM on December 31, 2014


> This is the stupidest fucking thing I ever read.

Welcome to the Internet! This must be your first time here!
posted by ardgedee at 9:36 AM on December 31, 2014 [6 favorites]


TFA was pretty stupid but the comments in this thread made up for it. Carry on.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:38 AM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


this one time this guy wrote a thing about a guy who was really hot dogs and it just

it just really upset me
posted by jason_steakums at 9:49 AM on December 31, 2014 [11 favorites]


To be fair, Twilight has been a regular Pandora's box. The most awful thing to come out of it, though, has surely been 50 Shades of Grey.

Surely you mean 50 Sheds of Grey?
posted by nicodine at 9:56 AM on December 31, 2014


And in other news: I just learned that my cat is secretly living a double life as a clone of Hitler.

There's an army of these clones: Seigmiaow!
posted by Rumple at 9:56 AM on December 31, 2014


I just relished the opportunity to post this on facebook.

You must be from Chicago.
posted by Room 641-A at 10:01 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


She's got electric boots
A mohair suit
You know I read it in a mag-a-zay-eeeeeeeene, oh-oh
posted by ostranenie at 10:05 AM on December 31, 2014 [5 favorites]


attention mods - you should give mark a free membership - he'd look just great on a plate of beans

Let us be frank.

She carried on as if hotdogs and mohair sweaters are bad things.

Let's think, people.
posted by mule98J at 10:19 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


This is the stupidest fucking thing I ever read.
posted by Seekerofsplendor

I see
posted by Namlit at 10:24 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


> "Over-specification is a pretty common source of humor ..."

No, I totally understand that, and also get that repetition is a source of humor. There are Monty Python sketches that totally work with these, obviously -- the parrot sketch, the cheese shop sketch, as two examples. But in both of those cases, the repetition and over-specification serve very evident purposes, both for the narrative and the humor.

The repetition fits in with the narrative of trying to explain something to someone who just Will Not Get It (refusing to acknowledge that the parrot is dead) or Will Not Explain (only says "no" to every suggested cheese). The over-specification both keeps the repetition from getting boring and adds the character surprise of a person who is without explanation a walking thesaurus of terms for death or types of cheese. The suspense builds. The character's emotional investment in making a point grows stronger and stronger, as they become more and more frustrated. The audience waits to see what terms will be used next, how they will build on each other, gets shocked by the occasional sudden unexpected tempo change. In both cases, the emotion builds to a peak, in one as one of the tempo change shocks ("SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!"), in the other in the ultimate specification/repetition climax as the simplest possible thing is explained at the highest emotional level in the most flowery possible terms ("He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!") Then the air is immediately let out, a typical Python strange almost-punchline ending follows, which is fine because the climax has already happened, the joke doesn't need a punchline because the punchline is embedded in the structure, anything that follows is just gravy to keep us laughing and move us to the next scene.

(There are other ways to do over-specification and repetition as well, of course; excessive verbiage for simple concepts, oddly appropriate metaphorical phrases can be funnier than direct statements. "Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator" is funnier than "bomb"; "I lied. It looks like moose drool." is funnier than "I lied. It looks terrible." And so on.)

So my question wasn't, why are overspecification and repetition being used. It was, why is THIS overspecification and repetition being used? What is funny about overspecifying the non-boyfriend in THIS PARTICULAR WAY? How does the repetition build and amplify, if it does?

Because, frankly, I don't get it.
posted by kyrademon at 10:57 AM on December 31, 2014 [6 favorites]


where I thought 'a guy wrote this' was the description of crying at a cafe or some shit...this read to me as a guy's taking 'a girl thing' and writing satire about it, but it falls flat because it's not grounded in reality in terms of what the emotional reaction would be.

Man, okay... in the hell year that was 2014, women in my friend group have discovered that their boyfriends and husbands were

-- cheating
-- still married to his not really estranged, not really ex-wife
-- secretly homeless and living out of his car despite being able to afford housing as part of a mental breakdown he was keeping hidden from her and his place of work as a three-figure-earning software engineer
-- not actually a mechanic, but running a motorcycle chop shop out of his lot in NV, with multiple warrants for vehicular theft as well as multiple other long-running cons, fraud, etc
-- "I once got in trouble for stealing" ---> went to prison for robbing five banks
-- a registered sex offender, smiling in his god damned mugshot

And you know what, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE FUCKED UP STORIES as told by these women once they were out of the dangerous part of those relationships, and sometimes when they were still in them, were funnier than this article when it was time to just throw your hands up and laugh instead of crying. Daddy was a bankrobber, Michael Costa, and making fun of girls for being fucked over by the men in their lives isn't something you're even very good at.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 11:13 AM on December 31, 2014 [11 favorites]


That whole essay... article... whatever you want to call it felt like a really snide parody of every article I've read recently where a woman finds out her boyfriend/husband (is a troll on reddit, is an MRA activist, raped someone, used to visit sex workers unsafely, etc)

It just felt bitter and mean and spiteful like, haha, look at all this petty crap women complain about, aren't they silly, women, for wanting their partners to be healthy and nice and not hot dogs?
posted by FritoKAL at 11:16 AM on December 31, 2014 [9 favorites]


The writer is Andrew Costa.
posted by josher71 at 11:28 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


This was a test "icle," had it been a realicle then there would have been, two old hotdogs, four "thousand year old eggs," costume jewelry in escrow, and a proper fake mother in law. I feel sorry for her, now her children will never know their real grandfathers.
posted by Oyéah at 11:50 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


I'm reimagining the whole thing as a couple of wiener dogs in tiny sweaters and just enjoying it.
posted by maryr at 11:56 AM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


How does the repetition build and amplify, if it does?

Doesn't really, this is what makes this so like a long form Onion article. Just keep telling the same joke, in the last sentence of each paragraph. Aside from the clickbait aspect, and holding the punchline until the middle - in Onion articles you can laugh at the headline and be done.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:02 PM on December 31, 2014


There's no way that guy's a point guard. Point guards are at least 5'9", preferably 6'0"-6'3". A hot dog is six inches long, so a couple of hot dogs would be 1'0", 1'6" tops.
posted by kirkaracha at 12:15 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


whatever you want to call it felt like a really snide parody of every article I've read recently where a woman finds out her boyfriend/husband

I think that's a little harsh, I don't detect any malice. I certainly think its more satire of the clickbait genre than misogyny.
posted by Damienmce at 12:32 PM on December 31, 2014 [5 favorites]


That whole essay... article... whatever you want to call it felt like a really snide parody of every article I've read recently where a woman finds out her boyfriend/husband (is a troll on reddit, is an MRA activist, raped someone, used to visit sex workers unsafely, etc)

Huh. I didn't get that but can see it. I read it as parody of those horrible formulaic viral articles of: Catchy Headline! Promise of Relief! Surprising and Heartwarming Ending! starting with Jitterbug Cafe which is so over the top and corny and then the ridiculous premise that her boyfriend is actually not a person but a weenie because you think a person would notice that.
posted by kinetic at 12:37 PM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


People who try to write surreal humor who have never taken hallucinogenic drugs are doomed to failure.
posted by aught at 12:41 PM on December 31, 2014 [5 favorites]


The whole point of this is that it's one of those articles you click on that has a highly seductive but ultimately misleading lead or title, where you expect it to be earth shattering, even though you know it won't be, and then it isn't, and you hate yourself for letting yourself be suckered into clicking and reading, and then he's hotdogs

Do you people even internet
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 12:42 PM on December 31, 2014 [7 favorites]


Wait, how can this post get more than a hundred (or more than a dozen) comments? Slow news day?
posted by kozad at 12:55 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


I mean really the article itself was a mild chuckle on the lolscale but the outraged/confused commentary here is solid fucking gold
posted by poffin boffin at 1:08 PM on December 31, 2014 [16 favorites]


The whole point of this is that it's one of those articles you click on that has a highly seductive but ultimately misleading lead or title, where you expect it to be earth shattering, even though you know it won't be, and then it isn't, and you hate yourself for letting yourself be suckered into clicking and reading, and then he's hotdogs

Right. So, this is basically the humor of bathos -- it's anticlimactic, hopefully enough to surprise the reader.

The problem is that the writer tries to combine two styles that aren't necessarily well-suited, namely bathetic anti-climax and Family Guy-esque late night tv stoner humor, and also he's not funny so that makes his shit crappy.

The bathos is a framing, not a joke in itself. The hot-dogs-in-a-coat thing is the content, but lots of different styles of joke could have worked there, e.g.,

It was there at the cafe that Jessica told me the bad news: Mark is actually

1. "...a middle-aged Chinese engineer who doesn't speak English"

[development: she makes it work anyway, but they never learn to communicate; target of humor is people who try too hard in relationships that will obviously never work]

2. "...ugly!"

[development: she becomes horrified, dumps him; target of satire is vacuous, panicky internet denizens]

3. "...would you please stop making everything about Mark?"

[development: this one would turn into a word game where anything anyone said, she would think was commentary on or about Mark; target of humor is oblivious people who don't listen]
posted by clockzero at 1:50 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


it could be worse - if mark was human and his girlfriend was a pair of ball park franks in a sweater, disaster would follow

they plump when you fuck them
posted by pyramid termite at 2:23 PM on December 31, 2014


"do you want ketchup on those fries, mark?"

"i can't - i'm from chicago"
posted by pyramid termite at 2:25 PM on December 31, 2014


and his girlfriend was a pair of ball park franks in a sweater...
they plump when you fuck them


PATENT PENDING
posted by localroger at 2:47 PM on December 31, 2014


Do you people even questionmark? Did you question Mark? Was he her intended mark, but there wasn't even enough in the sweater, much less the wallet? Women can be so evil! I have never even had a hot dog in my refrigerator, this is not a metaphor! You keep your dirty, hotdog, double entender to yourself. I'll take the tiny sweater for two thousand, Alex.
posted by Oyéah at 2:48 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


Metafilter's own hotdogs in a sweater thank you. Call me honey, we can still work this out.
posted by markr at 3:08 PM on December 31, 2014


I've been trying to figure out why there are two hot dogs / how they're arranged in the sweater. Are they crossed like a t, with one hot dog forming the arms and the other forming the head and body? It seems like the most practical arrangement, but it would bulge weirdly in the middle. Unless you cut a notch out of each hot dog to help them connect up, Lincoln Logs style, I guess.

Happy new year!
posted by moss at 10:12 PM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


The whole point of this is that it's one of those articles you click on that has a highly seductive but ultimately misleading lead or title, where you expect it to be earth shattering, even though you know it won't be, and then it isn't, and you hate yourself for letting yourself be suckered into clicking and reading, and then he's hotdogs

Oh, I see. How terribly clever! And that's just exactly what I need in an internet article! I need to be reminded of how stupid and irritating that is! Brilliant!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 10:41 PM on December 31, 2014


1 in 10 Metafilter users are Mr.Yuk stickers.


HOW DARE YOU
posted by louche mustachio at 12:04 AM on January 1, 2015


Wait, how can this post get more than a hundred (or more than a dozen) comments? Slow news day?

*blows on and admires fingernails*
posted by josher71 at 8:21 AM on January 1, 2015 [3 favorites]


" Daddy was a bankrobber, Michael Costa, and making fun of girls for being fucked over by the men in their lives isn't something you're even very good at."

Whoa, what exactly did you read? Because the actual article is a joke about multiple people confusing a pair of hotdogs in a tiny, mohair sweater for a human being. Not seeing how somebody got "fucked over" in the article. Maybe you can link us to the article you were reading?
posted by I-baLL at 8:58 AM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


Not seeing how somebody got "fucked over" in the article.

The author didn't confuse the mohair hot dogs for a human being, the mohair hot dogs represented themselves as a human being and the author fell for the deceit.
posted by localroger at 9:14 AM on January 1, 2015


"the mohair hot dogs represented themselves as a human being and the author fell for the deceit."

Uh, where in the article does it say or imply that?
posted by I-baLL at 9:33 AM on January 1, 2015


I mean, seriously, the essay says that Mark can't move or talk. So........
posted by I-baLL at 9:34 AM on January 1, 2015


That will be because he has a huge nail embedded in his forehead.
posted by flabdablet at 10:22 AM on January 1, 2015


Well Buzzfeed sure jumped on that quickly
posted by Gymnopedist at 10:32 AM on January 1, 2015


Okay, now's the time I admit my life has been a total lie.

I am really a couple of two litres of soda, some old scifi novels, and a package of bacon wearing glasses, a t-shirt and a pair of jeans.

Whew! That's a load off my Mountain Dew!
posted by Samizdata at 12:24 PM on January 1, 2015


I have yet to breakfast, where might I buy some of that heteronormative pablum, does it come in maple flavor? I think that might smack well with ederly hot dogs, sliced up to bite sized. You won't catch me crying at no post mortem coffee klatsch. Or better yet, spread yer delusions thin on some hot toast, slice those puppies longways, and enjoy while comparing the cost to benefit diagrams. If it is catharsis you need, then a mix of Dijon and delusion will do the trick. Then you say, yeah I'm sniveling, this mustard is hot!

Seinfeldian, a thread about nothing.
posted by Oyéah at 1:33 PM on January 1, 2015


Wurst boyfriend ever.
posted by Segundus at 8:04 AM on December 31 [25 favorites +] [!]


Yeah, if this happened to me I'd be very kransky
posted by Hello, I'm David McGahan at 9:17 PM on January 1, 2015


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