Okcupid post ahead
January 6, 2015 11:23 AM Subscribe
When Your OkCupid Date to the Museum Shows Up Totally Wasted.
I felt a little bad thinking "huh, this lady sounds kind of insufferable, too"
and then the first comment on the article was just that
posted by mikeh at 11:28 AM on January 6, 2015 [26 favorites]
and then the first comment on the article was just that
posted by mikeh at 11:28 AM on January 6, 2015 [26 favorites]
I felt a little bad thinking "huh, this lady sounds kind of insufferable, too"
Was about to post that (except I don't feel bad)
posted by zutalors! at 11:29 AM on January 6, 2015
The lady is a dude.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 11:30 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Foci for Analysis at 11:30 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
It just shows to go you...I was thinking "gee, this lady sounds kind of interesting...I would like to go on a date to eat Ethiopian food and discuss neoliberalism".
The sense I got from her writing was much more that it's relatively normal in her social circle to like Crass, Stiff Little Fingers and discussions of kyriarchy, and therefore it's not especially insufferable to mention them - as distinct from a social circle where you're a special-wecial snowflake for liking those things and you only mention them to sound fancy. I mean, if I were chatting with someone who was interested in talking about neoliberalism, Crass and Cab Calloway, I'd be thrilled, but not astonished.
posted by Frowner at 11:32 AM on January 6, 2015 [13 favorites]
The sense I got from her writing was much more that it's relatively normal in her social circle to like Crass, Stiff Little Fingers and discussions of kyriarchy, and therefore it's not especially insufferable to mention them - as distinct from a social circle where you're a special-wecial snowflake for liking those things and you only mention them to sound fancy. I mean, if I were chatting with someone who was interested in talking about neoliberalism, Crass and Cab Calloway, I'd be thrilled, but not astonished.
posted by Frowner at 11:32 AM on January 6, 2015 [13 favorites]
No: "writer Colette Shade"
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:33 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:33 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Well, the author of the article is a dude. The lady is the subject of the article, and the drunk dude is the subject of her ire.
posted by maxsparber at 11:33 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by maxsparber at 11:33 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
How could someone show up to an afternoon museum date completely inebriated?Get up and start drinking at breakfast. Alternately, don't go to bed at all.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:34 AM on January 6, 2015 [13 favorites]
Or had a lunch date before seeing Colette at 2.
In any event, I guess I'm not totally blown away. I mean, sure, bad date, but it's not exactly shocking. But she says she doesn't like dating, which probably skews her perspective. Meh.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 11:36 AM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
In any event, I guess I'm not totally blown away. I mean, sure, bad date, but it's not exactly shocking. But she says she doesn't like dating, which probably skews her perspective. Meh.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 11:36 AM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
It just shows to go you...
I like lots of fancy stuff, but I find in relationships I get along best with people with much simpler tastes. It goes to show you, for sure, but that's part of why I hate trying to decide if I like someone based on the music they listen to or movies they like or whatever.
posted by zutalors! at 11:37 AM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
I like lots of fancy stuff, but I find in relationships I get along best with people with much simpler tastes. It goes to show you, for sure, but that's part of why I hate trying to decide if I like someone based on the music they listen to or movies they like or whatever.
posted by zutalors! at 11:37 AM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think there is a useful lesson here in not taking superficial similarities in taste as being anything other than a coincidences of interest. You can like everything the same, down to the most obscure little 14th century Etruscan poet or the specific flavor of Mongolian mare's milk liquor, and still despise each other.
If I were to enter the dating market again, I'd ignore these things, these granfalloons, as Vonnegut calls them, and focus on the larger things. People can be from the opposite poles of the earth, one can eat rocks while the other only water, and one can like things when they are burning while the other cannot abide a thing that is not frozen, and if neither of them want to get married or have kids, if they both laugh at the same joke, and if they can successfully take a vacation together without slashing each other's throats, they have a relationship that will last.
posted by maxsparber at 11:38 AM on January 6, 2015 [54 favorites]
If I were to enter the dating market again, I'd ignore these things, these granfalloons, as Vonnegut calls them, and focus on the larger things. People can be from the opposite poles of the earth, one can eat rocks while the other only water, and one can like things when they are burning while the other cannot abide a thing that is not frozen, and if neither of them want to get married or have kids, if they both laugh at the same joke, and if they can successfully take a vacation together without slashing each other's throats, they have a relationship that will last.
posted by maxsparber at 11:38 AM on January 6, 2015 [54 favorites]
I'll never understand people who want to do something heavy like a museum trip on their first date with someone. I like museums, but I wouldn't want to go with a stranger. Aren't you supposed to be talking to each other, not staring at something? I guess I feel the same way about a movie date. But that's why it's dinner and a movie. So while I sympathize with this lady for meeting a date drunk, I feel like I'm judging her more harshly than him. be more like me!!
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 11:39 AM on January 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 11:39 AM on January 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
Eh, I've been on both sides of that fence. I don't really think that meeting a dude who is drunk in the afternoon is newsworthy, or else everyone I had met during the middle 20 years of my life would have one of these articles.
posted by Literaryhero at 11:39 AM on January 6, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by Literaryhero at 11:39 AM on January 6, 2015 [10 favorites]
It's an interview; how should we define authorship? The "I" in the article is the interviewee, a woman, not the writer, a man. But the writer is irrelevant, because almost all the text is quotes from the interviewee.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 11:39 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by I-Write-Essays at 11:39 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Weirdly enough, I just went on a fun let's-eat-Ethiopian-food and bitch-about-neoliberalism date just last month. So theoretically this lady is exactly my type. (I have been known to be insufferable in the past, so there's that too.)
posted by Strange Interlude at 11:40 AM on January 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Strange Interlude at 11:40 AM on January 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
I liked it for the writing: "I felt angry and humiliated as he loped into the ceramics wing. Even worse, his affect screamed 'artistic high school senior.'" zing!
I have loped into the ceramics wing on occasion, in that I've underestimated the affect a small amount of alcohol would have on me and then had to go to something and 'be seen'. Different manner of loping.
Going to a museum is a *tough* first date though, and one that I consider the acid test of dating: it is very very hard to have a great date in a museum, because it's hard to discuss art without pontificating, or sounding pretentious, and if your date talks too much it can be irritating because it takes away from the experience of the museum. I knew I found my partner when we went to a museum and I had a great time with him.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 11:41 AM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have loped into the ceramics wing on occasion, in that I've underestimated the affect a small amount of alcohol would have on me and then had to go to something and 'be seen'. Different manner of loping.
Going to a museum is a *tough* first date though, and one that I consider the acid test of dating: it is very very hard to have a great date in a museum, because it's hard to discuss art without pontificating, or sounding pretentious, and if your date talks too much it can be irritating because it takes away from the experience of the museum. I knew I found my partner when we went to a museum and I had a great time with him.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 11:41 AM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
People right here on mefi have suggested things like "go to the museum of sex on your first date" and I couldn't find the words to convey my horror whilst also answering the question constructively so instead I will complain about that here and now.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:44 AM on January 6, 2015 [51 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:44 AM on January 6, 2015 [51 favorites]
He was cute, and we had overlapping taste in music and politics. He read Jacobin,
Wait, if the guy had graduated from high school 20 years ago, he must have been in his late thirties... and he still reads Jacobin?
But then again, aren't people who read Jacobin supposed to say things like this at a museum:
The nadir of the date was probably when he pointed at a baroque chest of drawers and proclaimed, “This is so bourgeois.”
posted by Nevin at 11:45 AM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
Wait, if the guy had graduated from high school 20 years ago, he must have been in his late thirties... and he still reads Jacobin?
But then again, aren't people who read Jacobin supposed to say things like this at a museum:
The nadir of the date was probably when he pointed at a baroque chest of drawers and proclaimed, “This is so bourgeois.”
posted by Nevin at 11:45 AM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
i think this museum would be a fun first date, if everyone was up to it.
posted by zutalors! at 11:45 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by zutalors! at 11:45 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I took my girlfriend to the Museum of Sex and we managed to get ourselves a private tour with the curator and it was awesome. I wasn't sure where to brag about that but here and now seem perfect.
posted by maxsparber at 11:45 AM on January 6, 2015 [26 favorites]
posted by maxsparber at 11:45 AM on January 6, 2015 [26 favorites]
I've had several very lovely first dates at museums. The fact that there have been "several" is an indicator that things haven't always gone so well afterwards, I suppose.
posted by MrMoonPie at 11:47 AM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by MrMoonPie at 11:47 AM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
yea but I think "girlfriend" and "first OKC date" are different contexts re: Museum of Sex.
posted by zutalors! at 11:48 AM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by zutalors! at 11:48 AM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
People can be from the opposite poles of the earth, one can eat rocks while the other only water, and one can like things when they are burning while the other cannot abide a thing that is not frozen, and if neither of them want to get married or have kids, if they both laugh at the same joke, and if they can successfully take a vacation together without slashing each other's throats, they have a relationship that will last.
I think individual mileage varies a lot here - it's not that people who don't like the same things can't have a fulfilling relationship, but it sort of depends on which things and why one likes them. I dated several lovely people with whom I had very few interests in common, and it really sank the relationships, from my perspective, because I like to talk about abstract stuff (I mean, at a pretty simple level - I would not, for instance, set myself up to date some kind of continental theory expert or philosophy major, because they'd want to kill me after a few sentences) and I like to read and I try to stay engaged with radical political stuff, and those things are such large chunks of my personality that someone who doesn't like to do those at least the first two of those things and I usually can't get past the friendly acquaintance part. It's kind of like dating musicians - again, I've dated two lovely musicians, and the fact that I am basically useless at music was part of why we broke up - something so important them was a lost cause for me. In each case, the things nearest our hearts were not things we could share.
And while "I like Crass" and "I know what kyriarchy means" are not necessarily proxies for "let's talk about whether or not late Foucault is sympathetic to neoliberalism", you have to start somewhere with OkCupid, and those things are going to be better proxies for me personally than "has pretty hair" and "values gentleness", etc.
posted by Frowner at 11:50 AM on January 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
I think individual mileage varies a lot here - it's not that people who don't like the same things can't have a fulfilling relationship, but it sort of depends on which things and why one likes them. I dated several lovely people with whom I had very few interests in common, and it really sank the relationships, from my perspective, because I like to talk about abstract stuff (I mean, at a pretty simple level - I would not, for instance, set myself up to date some kind of continental theory expert or philosophy major, because they'd want to kill me after a few sentences) and I like to read and I try to stay engaged with radical political stuff, and those things are such large chunks of my personality that someone who doesn't like to do those at least the first two of those things and I usually can't get past the friendly acquaintance part. It's kind of like dating musicians - again, I've dated two lovely musicians, and the fact that I am basically useless at music was part of why we broke up - something so important them was a lost cause for me. In each case, the things nearest our hearts were not things we could share.
And while "I like Crass" and "I know what kyriarchy means" are not necessarily proxies for "let's talk about whether or not late Foucault is sympathetic to neoliberalism", you have to start somewhere with OkCupid, and those things are going to be better proxies for me personally than "has pretty hair" and "values gentleness", etc.
posted by Frowner at 11:50 AM on January 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
You can like everything the same, down to the most obscure little 14th century Etruscan poet or the specific flavor of Mongolian mare's milk liquor, and still despise each other.
The greater the similarity, the more evident the differences.
posted by rhizome at 11:50 AM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
The greater the similarity, the more evident the differences.
posted by rhizome at 11:50 AM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
The nadir of the date was probably when he pointed at a baroque chest of drawers and proclaimed, “This is so bourgeois.”
See, this could he very funny and charming if said in the right way. The scariest aspect of dating, to me, would be the horror of people with no sense of humor.
posted by clockzero at 11:50 AM on January 6, 2015 [11 favorites]
See, this could he very funny and charming if said in the right way. The scariest aspect of dating, to me, would be the horror of people with no sense of humor.
posted by clockzero at 11:50 AM on January 6, 2015 [11 favorites]
If this happened to me I'd be like "wait, have you been drinking? Why are we at a museum? Let's go to a nearby bar and have conversations about Crass and neoliberalism while day drinking. That sounds fun. Haha why did you invite me to a museum."
posted by naju at 11:50 AM on January 6, 2015 [53 favorites]
posted by naju at 11:50 AM on January 6, 2015 [53 favorites]
To be clear, I'm not saying that anybody should take a first date to the museum of sex. I'm saying I have an awesome life.
posted by maxsparber at 11:50 AM on January 6, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by maxsparber at 11:50 AM on January 6, 2015 [9 favorites]
I'm going to brag and say I'd go on a date to a museum drunk and manage to get a second date out of it. A BREAKFAST DATE. WINK WINK WINK WINK WINK WINK
posted by josher71 at 11:52 AM on January 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by josher71 at 11:52 AM on January 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
Or a bunch of animals standing on each others' shoulders in human clothes, barely able to maintain the simulacrum of hominidism?
Wait you're not? This changes everything.
posted by The Whelk at 11:52 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Wait you're not? This changes everything.
posted by The Whelk at 11:52 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I met someone for a first date over late afternoon drinks and she arrived plastered, though claimed to be just a little buzzed. I be this happens more than just once in a while.
posted by lownote at 11:53 AM on January 6, 2015
posted by lownote at 11:53 AM on January 6, 2015
If we had been at a museum, at least I could've seen some artwork.
posted by lownote at 11:54 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by lownote at 11:54 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
#Protip for #men on #OkCupid: Don't show up drunk for your 2 p.m. date at a museum.
Okay, the way she phrased it leads me to ask more questions:
Are there times, locations, or situations when you can show up drunk for a date?
Like what if the date was 8 pm at the museum?
Or what if it was 2 pm at the beach?
Also, does the day of the week matter? A holiday?
posted by FJT at 11:54 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Okay, the way she phrased it leads me to ask more questions:
Are there times, locations, or situations when you can show up drunk for a date?
Like what if the date was 8 pm at the museum?
Or what if it was 2 pm at the beach?
Also, does the day of the week matter? A holiday?
posted by FJT at 11:54 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
is this the one who didn't believe in evolution
posted by poffin boffin at 11:56 AM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:56 AM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I met someone for a first date over late afternoon drinks and she arrived plastered, though claimed to be just a little buzzed. I be this happens more than just once in a while.
I'd be pretty annoyed. It would be like if someone showed up for a date and they had just been to a candy store and eaten a lot of candy, and I'd be like, wait, why didn't we meet at the candy store, or, at least, why didn't you bring me candy?
posted by maxsparber at 11:56 AM on January 6, 2015 [13 favorites]
I'd be pretty annoyed. It would be like if someone showed up for a date and they had just been to a candy store and eaten a lot of candy, and I'd be like, wait, why didn't we meet at the candy store, or, at least, why didn't you bring me candy?
posted by maxsparber at 11:56 AM on January 6, 2015 [13 favorites]
I Dated a Wastrel (sob!)
posted by benzenedream at 11:56 AM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by benzenedream at 11:56 AM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
But, then, that's always my first question on a date anyway.
posted by maxsparber at 11:56 AM on January 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by maxsparber at 11:56 AM on January 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
The entertainment value of the date would've been significantly higher had she straight up asked him if he was wasted and addressed it without the whole, "I felt humiliated" aspect. Seriously, if it was comical, bust that out into the open and get a real story...
posted by Chuffy at 11:57 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Chuffy at 11:57 AM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was just about to tell a story about the date I went on with the white woman who was not Indian, then realized I've told it before.
I'm glad you linked it, because I am ethnically Indian, and explaining why I don't look "typically Indian" is a tedious but for some reason often required part of many first dates for me. I'm not blond, but, just not what people have in their minds for "Indian." If someone made a joke about how I obviously look Swedish I would have laughed and laughed (actually, when people say "where are you REALLY from" I sometimes say my people are Swedish).
posted by zutalors! at 11:58 AM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm glad you linked it, because I am ethnically Indian, and explaining why I don't look "typically Indian" is a tedious but for some reason often required part of many first dates for me. I'm not blond, but, just not what people have in their minds for "Indian." If someone made a joke about how I obviously look Swedish I would have laughed and laughed (actually, when people say "where are you REALLY from" I sometimes say my people are Swedish).
posted by zutalors! at 11:58 AM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Are there times, locations, or situations when you can show up drunk for a date?
I think probably the only time I wouldn't find it kind of weird and creepy is if it was office holiday party season and someone showed up a little tipsy right after having been forced to be festive with coworkers. I actually think I would find that mostly adorable from anyone. But flat out hammered at any time is like, wtf, no thank u.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:00 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think probably the only time I wouldn't find it kind of weird and creepy is if it was office holiday party season and someone showed up a little tipsy right after having been forced to be festive with coworkers. I actually think I would find that mostly adorable from anyone. But flat out hammered at any time is like, wtf, no thank u.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:00 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
But showing up stoned as fuck is still ok, right?
It makes me such a better listener
Ooooh sparkly
posted by BitterOldPunk at 12:01 PM on January 6, 2015 [31 favorites]
It makes me such a better listener
Ooooh sparkly
posted by BitterOldPunk at 12:01 PM on January 6, 2015 [31 favorites]
I took my girlfriend to the Museum of Sex
I have taken many a girlfriend to the Museum of Sex...or as I call it, my bedroom, ladies.
By which I mean it is a weird building full of dusty old artifacts that are there mainly for show.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 12:01 PM on January 6, 2015 [38 favorites]
I have taken many a girlfriend to the Museum of Sex...or as I call it, my bedroom, ladies.
By which I mean it is a weird building full of dusty old artifacts that are there mainly for show.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 12:01 PM on January 6, 2015 [38 favorites]
Also too, anyone knows that you don't show up to a museum date drunk. You should be on 2-CB. Sheesh.
posted by Chuffy at 12:02 PM on January 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Chuffy at 12:02 PM on January 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
The entertainment value of the date would've been significantly higher had she straight up asked him if he was wasted
Yeah, this is what confused me--she never addressed the elephant in the room. I mean, I grew up in the Midwest, I thought I knew where the line was drawn for "this is so obvious you can mention it no matter how passive-aggressive you are inclined to be."
Plus, as BitterOldPunk says on preview, obviously you get stoned for a museum date, not drunk.
posted by C. K. Dexter Haven at 12:04 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yeah, this is what confused me--she never addressed the elephant in the room. I mean, I grew up in the Midwest, I thought I knew where the line was drawn for "this is so obvious you can mention it no matter how passive-aggressive you are inclined to be."
Plus, as BitterOldPunk says on preview, obviously you get stoned for a museum date, not drunk.
posted by C. K. Dexter Haven at 12:04 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Frankly, if forced to go to a museum for a first date to discuss neoliberalism, I might show up drunk as well.
posted by umberto at 12:04 PM on January 6, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by umberto at 12:04 PM on January 6, 2015 [17 favorites]
okay so can this thread derail into terrible dates everyone has been on yet
posted by poffin boffin at 12:05 PM on January 6, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 12:05 PM on January 6, 2015 [13 favorites]
You get drunk for a gallery date. Drunk on crappy white wine and drunk on cheese squares.
posted by maxsparber at 12:05 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by maxsparber at 12:05 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
The entertainment value of the date would've been significantly higher had she straight up asked him if he was wasted
If she hasn't been on a lot of dates, especially a lot of bad dates, I can see why it wouldn't have occurred to her to just ask. I think it takes some practice to be that direct.
posted by zutalors! at 12:07 PM on January 6, 2015
If she hasn't been on a lot of dates, especially a lot of bad dates, I can see why it wouldn't have occurred to her to just ask. I think it takes some practice to be that direct.
posted by zutalors! at 12:07 PM on January 6, 2015
He was obviously a little intimidated by how cool she seemed, and was trying to impress her by showing how worldly and cultured he was (hence the museum), and then got really nervous and psyched out, and figured a shot or two would help him to more easily show off his worldly and cultured side. And then it all went pear-shaped.
posted by naju at 12:07 PM on January 6, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by naju at 12:07 PM on January 6, 2015 [9 favorites]
These are my favorite stories in the world, especially when they are told from the perspective of the person who realizes they seriously fucked up the date and can now look back at the memory like it's slow-motion footage of the quarterback's leg visibly breaking the morning after a football game
Dammit, I am always perfect.
posted by zutalors! at 12:08 PM on January 6, 2015
Dammit, I am always perfect.
posted by zutalors! at 12:08 PM on January 6, 2015
I think there is a useful lesson here in not taking superficial similarities in taste as being anything other than a coincidences of interest. You can like everything the same, down to the most obscure little 14th century Etruscan poet or the specific flavor of Mongolian mare's milk liquor, and still despise each other.
Took me a long time to figure this out. It's useful to have similar things in common (sense of humor I think is one), but a long index of similar likes and interests isn't as important as the elusive chemistry—the endless little things working in harmony to foment dual feelings of being at home in one another's presence, and wanting to fuck like jackrabbits all day err day.
posted by echocollate at 12:11 PM on January 6, 2015 [14 favorites]
Took me a long time to figure this out. It's useful to have similar things in common (sense of humor I think is one), but a long index of similar likes and interests isn't as important as the elusive chemistry—the endless little things working in harmony to foment dual feelings of being at home in one another's presence, and wanting to fuck like jackrabbits all day err day.
posted by echocollate at 12:11 PM on January 6, 2015 [14 favorites]
I've shown up to a date pretty buzzed. We were supposed to meet at a pub, except I got confused as to which one. So there I was at the wrong one, having a couple of pints and being increasingly annoyed at having obviously been stood up. Until I sent him a message asking where he was, and after some untangling of my confusion, I made it to the right place. Luckily for me he had been doing the same thing, so we were on an equal playing field.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:12 PM on January 6, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:12 PM on January 6, 2015 [13 favorites]
I once took a walk through a cemetery with a cantor for a synagogue, and we got to one group of graves, and she gave me a big French kiss, and the area we were in was called Babyland, because it was all dead babies, and they all were decorated for the most recent holiday, which may have been Christmas, and inside I just shuddered and shuddered and shuddered because nothing in my life had prepared me to deal with anything that was happening.
posted by maxsparber at 12:12 PM on January 6, 2015 [57 favorites]
posted by maxsparber at 12:12 PM on January 6, 2015 [57 favorites]
I'm sure it must have sucked to wind up on a date with a guy like this but I'm a little stuck on the melodramatic way she talks about it - how she keeps going "oh my god I just couldn't believe this was actually happening, no way was this real, etc." Hey lady, alcoholics exist, welcome to the world.
Also, and probably less charitably of me, she mentions that he graduated from high school twenty years ago and she graduated about nine years ago. I felt my sympathy for her, already kind of tenuous, draining away completely when her first warning was that he was drunk on a date and not that he'd been trying to impress women eleven years his junior with how much he likes Crass and Jonathan Richman. If I were her I'd count myself lucky that all he did was show up for the date wrecked, and not dead sober and telling her she's an old soul or whatever.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:14 PM on January 6, 2015 [14 favorites]
Also, and probably less charitably of me, she mentions that he graduated from high school twenty years ago and she graduated about nine years ago. I felt my sympathy for her, already kind of tenuous, draining away completely when her first warning was that he was drunk on a date and not that he'd been trying to impress women eleven years his junior with how much he likes Crass and Jonathan Richman. If I were her I'd count myself lucky that all he did was show up for the date wrecked, and not dead sober and telling her she's an old soul or whatever.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:14 PM on January 6, 2015 [14 favorites]
I-Write-Essays: "It's an interview; how should we define authorship? The "I" in the article is the interviewee, a woman, not the writer, a man. But the writer is irrelevant, because almost all the text is quotes from the interviewee."
But who is the "I" in I-Write-Essays? I think this is really the important question.
posted by symbioid at 12:15 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
But who is the "I" in I-Write-Essays? I think this is really the important question.
posted by symbioid at 12:15 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Well, I think that she just put that tweet up to blow off steam, which people do, and then the writer from the Awl approached her and it needed to be a bit dramatic for entertainment purposes.
posted by zutalors! at 12:15 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by zutalors! at 12:15 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
You can like everything the same, down to the most obscure little 14th century Etruscan poet or the specific flavor of Mongolian mare's milk liquor, and still despise each other.
Tell me about it. You'd think that The Red Skull and I would be the best of friends, what with the super-science, the both being skulls, the love of Provençal cuisine and all; but he just has to be a fucking Nazi about everything.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:16 PM on January 6, 2015 [31 favorites]
Tell me about it. You'd think that The Red Skull and I would be the best of friends, what with the super-science, the both being skulls, the love of Provençal cuisine and all; but he just has to be a fucking Nazi about everything.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:16 PM on January 6, 2015 [31 favorites]
My girlfriend is 12 years younger than me and trying to impress her by talking about Crass or Jonathan Richman is like trying to impress her by talking about Russ Columbo.
posted by maxsparber at 12:16 PM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by maxsparber at 12:16 PM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
We were supposed to meet at a pub, except I got confused as to which one.
This happened to me, except she picked the pub and gave me the wrong name. By the time she figured out what happened and raced to where I was, I was polishing off my second beer.
It was a good date until the goodbye when she tried to choke me with her dripping proboscis.
A little spit goes a long way.
posted by echocollate at 12:18 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
This happened to me, except she picked the pub and gave me the wrong name. By the time she figured out what happened and raced to where I was, I was polishing off my second beer.
It was a good date until the goodbye when she tried to choke me with her dripping proboscis.
A little spit goes a long way.
posted by echocollate at 12:18 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Frankly, if forced to go to a museum for a first date to discuss neoliberalism, I might show up drunk as well.
Stuff like that on dating profiles is so much less helpful than we hope it might be, isn't it? Like, those sorts of class markers (going to museums, discussing neoliberalism, etc) tell you so much and yet so little about this specific person. But what can we say, instead? You know you're being assessed and evaluated when you make an online dating profile, so you try to put your best foot forward while also being honest about yourself, but with a few notable exceptions there's nothing you can say about yourself that is more useful for someone to know than spending a few minutes chatting with you.
Here's my weirdest dating story. Once, years and years ago, I was ditching my morning college class to have a walk and hang out in a beautiful botanical garden. It was a warm August morning in southern California. I was strolling about, admiring the native species flowering around me, enjoying my solitude. Then, softly at first, I heard what sounded like singing; I stopped and listened, and it got louder, and it was divine. A woman was singing, somewhere, and it just caught me. I followed the sound of her voice like some dumb Greek sailor. Her voice was strong, practiced, and suddenly it soared upward and then plunged back down; flexible, almost passionate. I finally found her, at the back of the garden, sitting on a bench and singing there. A pretty young woman with dark hair, singing with her eyes closed. I was stupefied: this was almost unreal. I introduced myself politely and mentioned that her voice was the most beautiful thing I had heard in a long time. She laughed and blushed, and we got to talking as I sat down next to her.
Then it turned out she was an Evangelican Christian, and she only wanted to talk to me to steer me to her congregation, which I went to once and was sad to find her cold and unfriendly there. It was hilariously anti-climactic but also genuinely disappointing. I would unknowingly (at the time) re-enact this basic situation years later by inadvertently charming a very beautiful woman who completely lost interest in me when she realized that the things I said in our class on German literature weren't representative of how I talk about everything else in the world.
posted by clockzero at 12:19 PM on January 6, 2015 [23 favorites]
Stuff like that on dating profiles is so much less helpful than we hope it might be, isn't it? Like, those sorts of class markers (going to museums, discussing neoliberalism, etc) tell you so much and yet so little about this specific person. But what can we say, instead? You know you're being assessed and evaluated when you make an online dating profile, so you try to put your best foot forward while also being honest about yourself, but with a few notable exceptions there's nothing you can say about yourself that is more useful for someone to know than spending a few minutes chatting with you.
Here's my weirdest dating story. Once, years and years ago, I was ditching my morning college class to have a walk and hang out in a beautiful botanical garden. It was a warm August morning in southern California. I was strolling about, admiring the native species flowering around me, enjoying my solitude. Then, softly at first, I heard what sounded like singing; I stopped and listened, and it got louder, and it was divine. A woman was singing, somewhere, and it just caught me. I followed the sound of her voice like some dumb Greek sailor. Her voice was strong, practiced, and suddenly it soared upward and then plunged back down; flexible, almost passionate. I finally found her, at the back of the garden, sitting on a bench and singing there. A pretty young woman with dark hair, singing with her eyes closed. I was stupefied: this was almost unreal. I introduced myself politely and mentioned that her voice was the most beautiful thing I had heard in a long time. She laughed and blushed, and we got to talking as I sat down next to her.
Then it turned out she was an Evangelican Christian, and she only wanted to talk to me to steer me to her congregation, which I went to once and was sad to find her cold and unfriendly there. It was hilariously anti-climactic but also genuinely disappointing. I would unknowingly (at the time) re-enact this basic situation years later by inadvertently charming a very beautiful woman who completely lost interest in me when she realized that the things I said in our class on German literature weren't representative of how I talk about everything else in the world.
posted by clockzero at 12:19 PM on January 6, 2015 [23 favorites]
I once took a walk through a cemetery with a cantor for a synagogue, and we got to one group of graves, and she gave me a big French kiss, and the area we were in was called Babyland, because it was all dead babies, and they all were decorated for the most recent holiday, which may have been Christmas, and inside I just shuddered and shuddered and shuddered because nothing in my life had prepared me to deal with anything that was happening.
That is the Tim Burtonest date I've ever heard of.
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:19 PM on January 6, 2015 [19 favorites]
That is the Tim Burtonest date I've ever heard of.
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:19 PM on January 6, 2015 [19 favorites]
My wife and I first hooked up (ok, kissed) while we were sharing a tent on a winter (or maybe late fall) backpacking trip*. We were both in fleece and polypropylene, hair unkempt, snot in our noses, snug in our mega-poofy winter sleeping bags with outside temperatures of maybe 20 degrees. We stayed up for hours talking when the more confident among us (not me) said "fuck it" and leaned over and kissed the other one.
I will forever be grateful for our unconventional hookup and our total lack of any concern about looking good or projecting any kind of image or worrying about OK-Cupid profiles.
Before that, just about every date I went on with anyone could be entered into a "worst date" contest. There was the time I used the "pull my finger" joke, the time I attempted to lose my virginity outside in the winter but it was too...um... cold, the time, upon arriving to a double date where I was being set up with someone, upon meeting her and opening a bottle of beer she said "let me show you something!" and then slapped the top of my beer bottle, causing it to spray onto my pants....
I could go on, but it's too painful.
* There is, of course, a backstory that I have shared here before, involving two separate car/moose collisions that brought us together for this trip.
posted by bondcliff at 12:21 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I will forever be grateful for our unconventional hookup and our total lack of any concern about looking good or projecting any kind of image or worrying about OK-Cupid profiles.
Before that, just about every date I went on with anyone could be entered into a "worst date" contest. There was the time I used the "pull my finger" joke, the time I attempted to lose my virginity outside in the winter but it was too...um... cold, the time, upon arriving to a double date where I was being set up with someone, upon meeting her and opening a bottle of beer she said "let me show you something!" and then slapped the top of my beer bottle, causing it to spray onto my pants....
I could go on, but it's too painful.
* There is, of course, a backstory that I have shared here before, involving two separate car/moose collisions that brought us together for this trip.
posted by bondcliff at 12:21 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
This s a good idea for a MeFi meetup:
Bar crawl until sufficiently (but not overly) wasted and then MUSEUM!
posted by I-baLL at 12:21 PM on January 6, 2015 [24 favorites]
Bar crawl until sufficiently (but not overly) wasted and then MUSEUM!
posted by I-baLL at 12:21 PM on January 6, 2015 [24 favorites]
echocollate: "... It's useful to have similar things in common (sense of humor I think is one), but a long index of similar likes and interests isn't as important as the elusive chemistry—the endless little things working in harmony to foment dual feelings of being at home in one another's presence, and wanting to fuck like jackrabbits all day err day."
This a million times. The most recent OKC date I had (out of all two of them in the past few years), we got along quite well in email. While we both felt positive, I was still waiting to see if there was that in person spark. A person can come across as really interesting or clever or something else online, but then when you meet them, they have nothing, no "click". That's not to say they themselves aren't good, but just that whatever it is, that chemistry isn't working.
I think there has to be some commonalities. For me, it has to be at least some form of lefty views. Some sort of cultural appreciation (music, movies, etc...) and most certainly a sense of humor. I really really feel humor is a huge factor in making relationships work. Perhaps overlooked. Otherwise one person can just seem... annoying... to the other person. Or someone to be laughed AT not WITH, and that's not really a great way to have a relationship.
posted by symbioid at 12:22 PM on January 6, 2015
This a million times. The most recent OKC date I had (out of all two of them in the past few years), we got along quite well in email. While we both felt positive, I was still waiting to see if there was that in person spark. A person can come across as really interesting or clever or something else online, but then when you meet them, they have nothing, no "click". That's not to say they themselves aren't good, but just that whatever it is, that chemistry isn't working.
I think there has to be some commonalities. For me, it has to be at least some form of lefty views. Some sort of cultural appreciation (music, movies, etc...) and most certainly a sense of humor. I really really feel humor is a huge factor in making relationships work. Perhaps overlooked. Otherwise one person can just seem... annoying... to the other person. Or someone to be laughed AT not WITH, and that's not really a great way to have a relationship.
posted by symbioid at 12:22 PM on January 6, 2015
The way he spoke was unusual. His pronunciation was almost British, even though he grew up in Baltimore.
McNulty?
posted by seymourScagnetti at 12:24 PM on January 6, 2015 [38 favorites]
McNulty?
posted by seymourScagnetti at 12:24 PM on January 6, 2015 [38 favorites]
Bar crawl until sufficiently (but not overly) wasted and then MUSEUM!
I'll take My Typical Thursday Afternoons for 200$ Alex.
posted by The Whelk at 12:24 PM on January 6, 2015 [15 favorites]
I read recently about a guy who was in a language immersion class and developed a crush on a young woman there, because she talked about interesting things in a really lively and charming way. When the class ended and he met her outside, and she was speaking English again, he found her completely different, just mean and gossipy and uninteresting. And he realized that she seemed so charming in the other language because she didn't know enough of it to be her normal self, and only had the words to be a more interesting version of herself.
I have been studying Irish and wonder if this will be true of me. I'm trying to specifically teach myself Irish words for joy and excitement and compliments and steer clear of words that are snotty or shitty or mean. I am already getting to the point where there is a little Irish gentleman in my head saying nice things about the world, and I hope to get to the point where he's the voice I listen to, instead of the surly misanthrope that the English-speaking me became.
posted by maxsparber at 12:24 PM on January 6, 2015 [44 favorites]
I have been studying Irish and wonder if this will be true of me. I'm trying to specifically teach myself Irish words for joy and excitement and compliments and steer clear of words that are snotty or shitty or mean. I am already getting to the point where there is a little Irish gentleman in my head saying nice things about the world, and I hope to get to the point where he's the voice I listen to, instead of the surly misanthrope that the English-speaking me became.
posted by maxsparber at 12:24 PM on January 6, 2015 [44 favorites]
bondcliff for some reason that beer bottle story which I recall you sharing before became combined in my mind with the weird lady who ruined dejah420's bee cake.
i can't even keep mefi canon straight anymore help
posted by poffin boffin at 12:25 PM on January 6, 2015 [10 favorites]
i can't even keep mefi canon straight anymore help
posted by poffin boffin at 12:25 PM on January 6, 2015 [10 favorites]
Also, you can’t smell alcohol through the Internet.
True dat.
posted by Melismata at 12:25 PM on January 6, 2015
True dat.
posted by Melismata at 12:25 PM on January 6, 2015
Then it turned out she was an Evangelican Christian
I made my dad go on a date with a pretty lady we met at the laundromat. Right after they sat down at lunch she told him she was a Scientologist. The ensuing lunch was, apparently, excruciating.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:26 PM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
I made my dad go on a date with a pretty lady we met at the laundromat. Right after they sat down at lunch she told him she was a Scientologist. The ensuing lunch was, apparently, excruciating.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:26 PM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
Also - can I have that Burtonest of dates, because that sounds TOTALLY HOT!
posted by symbioid at 12:28 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by symbioid at 12:28 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I guess I'm not dating any of you because I don't even know what Crass is.
But yeah, if my date showed up to the museum already drunk, I think my main emotion would be "relief."
posted by ejs at 12:29 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
But yeah, if my date showed up to the museum already drunk, I think my main emotion would be "relief."
posted by ejs at 12:29 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
I once took a walk through a cemetery with a cantor for a synagogue, and we got to one group of graves, and she gave me a big French kiss, and the area we were in was called Babyland, because it was all dead babies, and they all were decorated for the most recent holiday, which may have been Christmas, and inside I just shuddered and shuddered and shuddered because nothing in my life had prepared me to deal with anything that was happening.
That sounds fantastic!
/The Great Gonzo
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:29 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
That sounds fantastic!
/The Great Gonzo
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:29 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
Make him talk about A Confederacy of Dunces, since you mention it.
A passing reference in my first email to a girl on Match.com got me a date and the girl and 4 years later, we're getting married.
Never doubt the power of a good novel.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 12:29 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
A passing reference in my first email to a girl on Match.com got me a date and the girl and 4 years later, we're getting married.
Never doubt the power of a good novel.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 12:29 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
To all these stories my internal dialogue is adding ". . . and Reader, I married them". Best thread ever.
posted by Carillon at 12:30 PM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Carillon at 12:30 PM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
I get the sense here that my standards for dates are...not normal.
I mean, if someone were all "and blah blah Crass album [....] blah blah book about historiography..." my assumption - absent other social cues - would not be "here is a frosty little snob trying to one-up me in order to gain date hegemony" but "here is a person who likes Crass (cool! I made myself a Crass tee shirt in college!) and historiography (extra cool, let's talk about periodization!)"
I recently encountered someone - mercifully not in a dating context - who did their level best to one up me by talking about ideas for YA novels. There is no authentic proletarian subject that proves one to be engaging sincerely about one's real interests.
posted by Frowner at 12:31 PM on January 6, 2015 [9 favorites]
I mean, if someone were all "and blah blah Crass album [....] blah blah book about historiography..." my assumption - absent other social cues - would not be "here is a frosty little snob trying to one-up me in order to gain date hegemony" but "here is a person who likes Crass (cool! I made myself a Crass tee shirt in college!) and historiography (extra cool, let's talk about periodization!)"
I recently encountered someone - mercifully not in a dating context - who did their level best to one up me by talking about ideas for YA novels. There is no authentic proletarian subject that proves one to be engaging sincerely about one's real interests.
posted by Frowner at 12:31 PM on January 6, 2015 [9 favorites]
Like, those sorts of class markers (going to museums, discussing neoliberalism, etc) tell you so much and yet so little about this specific person
The thing that trips me up is wondering whether people are aware of the class-marker-ness of the class markers or not. Like, did you specifically include Neutral Milk Hotel in your profile as a knowing marker/advertisement of the specific sort of person you are, and the sort of person you'd like to attract, education/class/upbringing/race/etc.-wise? Or do you just really like Neutral Milk Hotel? How carefully should I be overthinking the plate of beans? How carefully should I be writing my own plate of beans?
posted by naju at 12:32 PM on January 6, 2015 [11 favorites]
The thing that trips me up is wondering whether people are aware of the class-marker-ness of the class markers or not. Like, did you specifically include Neutral Milk Hotel in your profile as a knowing marker/advertisement of the specific sort of person you are, and the sort of person you'd like to attract, education/class/upbringing/race/etc.-wise? Or do you just really like Neutral Milk Hotel? How carefully should I be overthinking the plate of beans? How carefully should I be writing my own plate of beans?
posted by naju at 12:32 PM on January 6, 2015 [11 favorites]
bondcliff for some reason that beer bottle story which I recall you sharing before became combined in my mind with the weird lady who ruined dejah420's bee cake.
dejah420, was the lady that ruined your bee cake a former cheerleader at Medfield high school whose ambition was to live in Florida and "lay in the sun" all day?
And now that I type that up, I have to wonder why my buddy's girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to hook up a former cheerleader / future Florida sun-layer with me, a pasty, pathetic nerd with poor hygiene skills.
posted by bondcliff at 12:33 PM on January 6, 2015
dejah420, was the lady that ruined your bee cake a former cheerleader at Medfield high school whose ambition was to live in Florida and "lay in the sun" all day?
And now that I type that up, I have to wonder why my buddy's girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to hook up a former cheerleader / future Florida sun-layer with me, a pasty, pathetic nerd with poor hygiene skills.
posted by bondcliff at 12:33 PM on January 6, 2015
naju,
Your obscure interests are pretentious shibboleths, and mine are underappreciated diamonds in the rough.
Best,
PBO
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:34 PM on January 6, 2015 [18 favorites]
Your obscure interests are pretentious shibboleths, and mine are underappreciated diamonds in the rough.
Best,
PBO
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:34 PM on January 6, 2015 [18 favorites]
bondcliff for some reason that beer bottle story which I recall you sharing before became combined in my mind with the weird lady who ruined dejah420's bee cake.
I was actually just thinking about this recently- as weird as my life has gotten, and as mortified as I am about certain things I have done in my past, at least I will never be Bee Cake Lady. Bee Cake Lady redeems us all, and will be with us always.
We will all always have Bee Cake Lady.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:36 PM on January 6, 2015 [14 favorites]
I was actually just thinking about this recently- as weird as my life has gotten, and as mortified as I am about certain things I have done in my past, at least I will never be Bee Cake Lady. Bee Cake Lady redeems us all, and will be with us always.
We will all always have Bee Cake Lady.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:36 PM on January 6, 2015 [14 favorites]
How carefully should I be writing my own plate of beans?
legumes are out and whole30 is in, sorry.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:36 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
legumes are out and whole30 is in, sorry.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:36 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
Or should you, like, not include your actual interests because they sound too middle class? One could invent a whole list of faux-proletarian (fauxletarian!) interests that would sound universally appealing, approachable, authentic, etc etc....the drawback would be, of course, that you'd end up with dates who had been attracted by what they thought you were about. And then the other drawback is how to come up with the list, and just what interests would escape being class marked. Maybe write a few hundred down at random and draw from a hat? (I like long walks on the beach, my Fry-Daddy, the Wire, gentleness, people who are good with animals, laughter, off-roading, kittens, grilling....)
posted by Frowner at 12:36 PM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Frowner at 12:36 PM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
I asked a woman I was on an OkCupid date with once why she had contacted me and she said "The less attractive guys are more likely to respond."
posted by josher71 at 12:40 PM on January 6, 2015 [51 favorites]
posted by josher71 at 12:40 PM on January 6, 2015 [51 favorites]
We will all always have Bee Cake Lady.
Is Bee Cake Lady better or worse than the woman who demanded she be paid for ruining her sweater? I don't remember the exact thread or who posted it, but I'm sure by mentioning "sweater" someone will whip out a link to the exact AskMe thread in under 30 seconds.
Someone, I'm not sure who but they are my hero forever infinity black magic no erasing to the twelfth dimension, suggested she be sent a $10.00 K-Mart card to cover the cost.
posted by bondcliff at 12:40 PM on January 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
Is Bee Cake Lady better or worse than the woman who demanded she be paid for ruining her sweater? I don't remember the exact thread or who posted it, but I'm sure by mentioning "sweater" someone will whip out a link to the exact AskMe thread in under 30 seconds.
Someone, I'm not sure who but they are my hero forever infinity black magic no erasing to the twelfth dimension, suggested she be sent a $10.00 K-Mart card to cover the cost.
posted by bondcliff at 12:40 PM on January 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
It was a winter white cashmere shawl and also she called the OP's baby obese.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:41 PM on January 6, 2015 [24 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 12:41 PM on January 6, 2015 [24 favorites]
what did i wear yesterday? no idea. details of a 6 year old askme? always ready to share.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:42 PM on January 6, 2015 [48 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 12:42 PM on January 6, 2015 [48 favorites]
I'm not sure exactly how it works out that he was the one who showed up hammered and somehow she's the one who's the jerk instead, but maybe that's just me.
The thing that trips me up is wondering whether people are aware of the class-marker-ness of the class markers or not. Like, did you specifically include Neutral Milk Hotel in your profile as a knowing marker/advertisement of the specific sort of person you are, and the sort of person you'd like to attract, education/class/upbringing/race/etc.-wise? Or do you just really like Neutral Milk Hotel?
The last OKC first-date I had was also the only time I've agreed to immediately meet someone without exchanging emails first (long story). And.....well, he's a nice guy who described himself as a "geek", which is ordinarily just fine - except I was getting the sense that for him, conversation consisted a lot more of "allow me to name these geeky things so as to mention that I have heard of them", and that was kind of it. I mean, he seemed a nice guy otherwise, but....okay, yeah, it's cool that you SAW Star Trek, but did it resonate with you in any lasting way?....
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:43 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
The thing that trips me up is wondering whether people are aware of the class-marker-ness of the class markers or not. Like, did you specifically include Neutral Milk Hotel in your profile as a knowing marker/advertisement of the specific sort of person you are, and the sort of person you'd like to attract, education/class/upbringing/race/etc.-wise? Or do you just really like Neutral Milk Hotel?
The last OKC first-date I had was also the only time I've agreed to immediately meet someone without exchanging emails first (long story). And.....well, he's a nice guy who described himself as a "geek", which is ordinarily just fine - except I was getting the sense that for him, conversation consisted a lot more of "allow me to name these geeky things so as to mention that I have heard of them", and that was kind of it. I mean, he seemed a nice guy otherwise, but....okay, yeah, it's cool that you SAW Star Trek, but did it resonate with you in any lasting way?....
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:43 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
"sweater"? (To be fair, I lost precious time searching for sweater instead of shawl.)
posted by fragmede at 12:43 PM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by fragmede at 12:43 PM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
what did i wear yesterday? no idea. details of a 6 year old askme? always ready to share.
I was two seconds away from posting "no, it was a shawl, not a sweater" myself as well.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:44 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
I was two seconds away from posting "no, it was a shawl, not a sweater" myself as well.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:44 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
Please someone link to the Bee Cake Lady story. I am dying to read it.
I remember the shawl thread, though. I believe reading it was my first encounter with AskMe.
posted by Kitteh at 12:45 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I remember the shawl thread, though. I believe reading it was my first encounter with AskMe.
posted by Kitteh at 12:45 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Or should you, like, not include your actual interests because they sound too middle class?
I have this problem all the time. When I ask my friends for their opinion on my dating profile (coming soon to an Ask Metafilter near you), half of them say, oh, no don't include your unusual hobbies, you'll come across as too weird! But the other half say, oh, you must include your unusual hobbies, how else are you going to stand out? I don't get it.
posted by Melismata at 12:46 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have this problem all the time. When I ask my friends for their opinion on my dating profile (coming soon to an Ask Metafilter near you), half of them say, oh, no don't include your unusual hobbies, you'll come across as too weird! But the other half say, oh, you must include your unusual hobbies, how else are you going to stand out? I don't get it.
posted by Melismata at 12:46 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Or should you, like, not include your actual interests because they sound too middle class?
Answer some questions to determine your compatibility with other users!posted by Rustic Etruscan at 12:46 PM on January 6, 2015 [64 favorites]
Let's get started!
1) Is a vanguard party necessary for the revolutionary overthrow of the state?
( ) Always
( ) Never
( ) Sometimes
( ) The question is itself counterrevolutionary
Bee Cake lady!
Amusingly, Billy Boyd's band is also named Beecake.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:47 PM on January 6, 2015
Amusingly, Billy Boyd's band is also named Beecake.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:47 PM on January 6, 2015
the thread title is "party foul or reason for jihad"
posted by poffin boffin at 12:47 PM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 12:47 PM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
I was going to walk back my comment at the beginning of the thread thinking that they'd bonded over these things they had in common that they had on dating profiles, but...
You know, if your commonalities are talking about shit that is so damn niche hip it just smacks of trying so damn hard, and the people who do that are going to be kids who don't know any better and alcoholic burnouts in their 30s with Peter Pan complexes.
On a related note, when I sent the link to this article to a friend, his comment was such:
I'm against two things: anti-intellectualism, and people who insist on having intellectual conversations
posted by mikeh at 12:51 PM on January 6, 2015 [9 favorites]
You know, if your commonalities are talking about shit that is so damn niche hip it just smacks of trying so damn hard, and the people who do that are going to be kids who don't know any better and alcoholic burnouts in their 30s with Peter Pan complexes.
On a related note, when I sent the link to this article to a friend, his comment was such:
I'm against two things: anti-intellectualism, and people who insist on having intellectual conversations
posted by mikeh at 12:51 PM on January 6, 2015 [9 favorites]
I'm actually picturing the Tim Burtonest of dates in a more Wes Anderson-y way, but that's mainly because I'm really not that attracted to either Helena Bonham Carter or Johnny Depp.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:52 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:52 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Well I didn't marry Wrong Pub Guy but we did end up falling in love, so that was nice. Then it fell apart and plunged me into a depression from which I'm still recovering, so in retrospect I probably shouldn't have kissed him.
I went on a coffee date once with a smoking hot guy--he gave me his number on the train after we spent several stations on the subway eyefucking each other. So out to coffee we go, a couple days later. Whereupon he spent three hours talking about his ex-boyfriend. (I stayed that long because I kept thinking I had successfully changed the topic, but noooooooo.)
Or there was the otherwise really awesome med student who snapped his fucking fingers for the waiter.
The best though, the BEST, was this one:
We met through Facebook, friend of a friend kinda thing. Tells me he loves sushi and eats it all the time, so we decide to meet for sushi and then see Scott Pilgrim.
- I was running a couple minutes late, so texted him as soon as I got off the subway to say so. Couple minutes later he texts me back saying he's running late too due to a broken-down streetcar. There was no such streetcar (TTC twitter feed on my phone FTW), he just hadn't even left his place yet.
- Upon his arrival at the restaurant 45 minutes later I didn't recognize him, because his photos were at least two years out of date
- He then doesn't know what anything is on the menu and asks me to order (the menu was in English. With pictures. He eats sushi all the time. WTF)
- As we leave, he's rapidfire texting someone, completely dropping his side of our conversation. I'm like, "Uh... we are on a date right?" and he responds with "Yeah, it's just this really hot guy I met at Pride."
At that point the date is Over, for me, but I decide to hang around and see how much worse it gets. And it does:
- Approximately every ten seconds, he spits on the sidewalk. It was a 20-odd minute walk to the movie theatre.
- Tells me after I bought my ticket that despite agreeing that we were paying our own way, he couldn't afford the movie. Didn't have much choice so I bought his.
- Despite a total lack of any signals from me that I am even remotely interested physically, he spends the entire movie getting closer to me, leaving me almost sitting in the lap of the next (and frankly much cuter) person over
- Afterwards end up walking to the gaybourhood, because he's staying there that night instead of heading home to the Beaches. "Oh, chilling with a friend? Cool," I say. Nope. "Well he's kind of a friend, basically when I don't want to go all the way back to the Beaches I just let him do whatever and he lets me sleep over."
My response: o.O
- TRIED TO KISS ME GOODNIGHT AFTER ALL OF THIS. I actually laughed when he tried.
oh scarflady!
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:53 PM on January 6, 2015 [25 favorites]
I went on a coffee date once with a smoking hot guy--he gave me his number on the train after we spent several stations on the subway eyefucking each other. So out to coffee we go, a couple days later. Whereupon he spent three hours talking about his ex-boyfriend. (I stayed that long because I kept thinking I had successfully changed the topic, but noooooooo.)
Or there was the otherwise really awesome med student who snapped his fucking fingers for the waiter.
The best though, the BEST, was this one:
We met through Facebook, friend of a friend kinda thing. Tells me he loves sushi and eats it all the time, so we decide to meet for sushi and then see Scott Pilgrim.
- I was running a couple minutes late, so texted him as soon as I got off the subway to say so. Couple minutes later he texts me back saying he's running late too due to a broken-down streetcar. There was no such streetcar (TTC twitter feed on my phone FTW), he just hadn't even left his place yet.
- Upon his arrival at the restaurant 45 minutes later I didn't recognize him, because his photos were at least two years out of date
- He then doesn't know what anything is on the menu and asks me to order (the menu was in English. With pictures. He eats sushi all the time. WTF)
- As we leave, he's rapidfire texting someone, completely dropping his side of our conversation. I'm like, "Uh... we are on a date right?" and he responds with "Yeah, it's just this really hot guy I met at Pride."
At that point the date is Over, for me, but I decide to hang around and see how much worse it gets. And it does:
- Approximately every ten seconds, he spits on the sidewalk. It was a 20-odd minute walk to the movie theatre.
- Tells me after I bought my ticket that despite agreeing that we were paying our own way, he couldn't afford the movie. Didn't have much choice so I bought his.
- Despite a total lack of any signals from me that I am even remotely interested physically, he spends the entire movie getting closer to me, leaving me almost sitting in the lap of the next (and frankly much cuter) person over
- Afterwards end up walking to the gaybourhood, because he's staying there that night instead of heading home to the Beaches. "Oh, chilling with a friend? Cool," I say. Nope. "Well he's kind of a friend, basically when I don't want to go all the way back to the Beaches I just let him do whatever and he lets me sleep over."
My response: o.O
- TRIED TO KISS ME GOODNIGHT AFTER ALL OF THIS. I actually laughed when he tried.
oh scarflady!
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:53 PM on January 6, 2015 [25 favorites]
trying so damn hard
This is a phrase I hear a lot, along with "trying too hard." I've wanted to ask this for a long time but never got around to it:
What the fuck does it mean?
posted by bondcliff at 12:54 PM on January 6, 2015
This is a phrase I hear a lot, along with "trying too hard." I've wanted to ask this for a long time but never got around to it:
What the fuck does it mean?
posted by bondcliff at 12:54 PM on January 6, 2015
My interests on my okcupid profile include: Netflix, cheese and drinking.
I'm being completely honest in my search for dates that end in watching an entire season of Friends.
posted by elvissa at 12:55 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm being completely honest in my search for dates that end in watching an entire season of Friends.
posted by elvissa at 12:55 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
When I ask my friends for their opinion on my dating profile (coming soon to an Ask Metafilter near you), half of them say, oh, no don't include your unusual hobbies, you'll come across as too weird! But the other half say, oh, you must include your unusual hobbies, how else are you going to stand out? I don't get it.
See now, this is neoliberalism - the entrepreneurial self, building one's brand, the question of what brand to build and how to build it, etc, with the question of what one is actually interested in primarily relevant in terms of how it builds the coherent brand of the self so that one can successfully engage in marketing/dating. (I mean, I think you should include the hobbies, because why would you want to date someone who thinks something you care about is ipso facto weird?)
Luckily, I plan never to date again, so I can have whatever conversations I please. Even at bars. Even with strangers. Even about punk bands of the early eighties. Even with people who are, like, older than me and have lived memories of having seen said punk bands. Even conversations about books. Even difficult books.
posted by Frowner at 12:56 PM on January 6, 2015 [14 favorites]
See now, this is neoliberalism - the entrepreneurial self, building one's brand, the question of what brand to build and how to build it, etc, with the question of what one is actually interested in primarily relevant in terms of how it builds the coherent brand of the self so that one can successfully engage in marketing/dating. (I mean, I think you should include the hobbies, because why would you want to date someone who thinks something you care about is ipso facto weird?)
Luckily, I plan never to date again, so I can have whatever conversations I please. Even at bars. Even with strangers. Even about punk bands of the early eighties. Even with people who are, like, older than me and have lived memories of having seen said punk bands. Even conversations about books. Even difficult books.
posted by Frowner at 12:56 PM on January 6, 2015 [14 favorites]
KathrynT had a good comment in Greg Nog's India woman joke thread:
(I just need to figure out what's wrong with the whole doughnut scenario.)
posted by fragmede at 12:57 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
But again -- there's "letting your freak flag fly" weird and then there's "I am not fully cooked yet" weird. Re-enacting Othello with the salt and pepper shakers? The former. Saying you'll treat your date to donuts, and then buying a single donut, taking a bite out of it, and then offering them some? Kind of the latter.-KathrynT
(I just need to figure out what's wrong with the whole doughnut scenario.)
posted by fragmede at 12:57 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Who's jacobin?
posted by jonmc at 12:58 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by jonmc at 12:58 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
bondcliff: "What the fuck does [trying too hard] mean?"
It means trying harder than me.
posted by RobotHero at 12:59 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
It means trying harder than me.
posted by RobotHero at 12:59 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
alcoholic burnouts in their 30s with Peter Pan complexes
OMG this is 97% of who I attract. Do they play guitar?
posted by zutalors! at 12:59 PM on January 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
OMG this is 97% of who I attract. Do they play guitar?
posted by zutalors! at 12:59 PM on January 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
I'm being completely honest in my search for dates that end in watching an entire season of Friends.
omw don't move.
posted by echocollate at 12:59 PM on January 6, 2015
omw don't move.
posted by echocollate at 12:59 PM on January 6, 2015
"Well he's kind of a friend, basically when I don't want to go all the way back to the Beaches I just let him do whatever and he lets me sleep over."
That makes me, actually, kind of sad. Admittedly, a bullet dodged for you.
posted by Frowner at 12:59 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
That makes me, actually, kind of sad. Admittedly, a bullet dodged for you.
posted by Frowner at 12:59 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
Re-enacting Othello with the salt and pepper shakers?
This was not on a date but once a male friend and I were really bored waiting for our meal and we made the dog shaped salt and pepper shakers kiss and simulate sex, and I thought "this would be cute on a date." Maybe not a first date though.
posted by zutalors! at 1:01 PM on January 6, 2015
This was not on a date but once a male friend and I were really bored waiting for our meal and we made the dog shaped salt and pepper shakers kiss and simulate sex, and I thought "this would be cute on a date." Maybe not a first date though.
posted by zutalors! at 1:01 PM on January 6, 2015
This is a phrase I hear a lot, along with "trying too hard." I've wanted to ask this for a long time but never got around to it: What the fuck does it mean?
In case you're serious - have you ever met someone who was talking like they were trying to make sure you saw The Very Most Awesomest Cool Things There Were To Know About Them, rather than just sort of letting the conversation happen? Or that they were trying to do something big and stunty to get your attention, rather than just doing whatever because it's what they'd have done anyway?
It's kind of the diference between someone who's doing something just because that's how they roll, and someone doing something in the hopes you're watching.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:01 PM on January 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
In case you're serious - have you ever met someone who was talking like they were trying to make sure you saw The Very Most Awesomest Cool Things There Were To Know About Them, rather than just sort of letting the conversation happen? Or that they were trying to do something big and stunty to get your attention, rather than just doing whatever because it's what they'd have done anyway?
It's kind of the diference between someone who's doing something just because that's how they roll, and someone doing something in the hopes you're watching.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:01 PM on January 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
This is a phrase I hear a lot, along with "trying too hard." I've wanted to ask this for a long time but never got around to it: What the fuck does it mean?
It's the difference between mentioning some weird celebrity encounter at work b/c you're exchanging work war stories and name-dropping.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:04 PM on January 6, 2015
It's the difference between mentioning some weird celebrity encounter at work b/c you're exchanging work war stories and name-dropping.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:04 PM on January 6, 2015
Worst First Date?
The one where my date tried to get me to stop a gang fight after she'd spent the night talking about how hot all her officer friends are and which girlfriends she's fighting with and why.
Most Embarrassing First Date?
The one where my paycheck didn't direct deposit and my card got denied when I paid dinner, and my date had to cover it.
Most Awkward First Date?
The one where we met at a themed wine bar and my date was trying very hard to make it work. When my date left for the bathroom the bartender dropped her accent and flirted really hard with me. I left with my date not taking the bartender's number, only to be physically threatened by her coworker over a joke I made two days later.
Best First Date?
The one where I threw a BBQ to celebrate my first Homebrew. I invited my date and all my friends over to drink, eat carne asada, and watch 'Tarkan vs The Vikings' and 'Meet the Hollowheads'. That one has worked out so far.
posted by The Power Nap at 1:05 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
The one where my date tried to get me to stop a gang fight after she'd spent the night talking about how hot all her officer friends are and which girlfriends she's fighting with and why.
Most Embarrassing First Date?
The one where my paycheck didn't direct deposit and my card got denied when I paid dinner, and my date had to cover it.
Most Awkward First Date?
The one where we met at a themed wine bar and my date was trying very hard to make it work. When my date left for the bathroom the bartender dropped her accent and flirted really hard with me. I left with my date not taking the bartender's number, only to be physically threatened by her coworker over a joke I made two days later.
Best First Date?
The one where I threw a BBQ to celebrate my first Homebrew. I invited my date and all my friends over to drink, eat carne asada, and watch 'Tarkan vs The Vikings' and 'Meet the Hollowheads'. That one has worked out so far.
posted by The Power Nap at 1:05 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's kind of the diference between someone who's doing something just because that's how they roll, and someone doing something in the hopes you're watching.
The problem is that dating profiles seem almost entirely designed to encourage the latter. Like, I'm definitely not including in my profile that I change into my PJ's as soon as I get home from work, and play Captain Toad Treasure Tracker on my Wii U while side-eying my bookshelf of unread lofty literature.
Hmm. Maybe I should.
posted by naju at 1:05 PM on January 6, 2015 [15 favorites]
The problem is that dating profiles seem almost entirely designed to encourage the latter. Like, I'm definitely not including in my profile that I change into my PJ's as soon as I get home from work, and play Captain Toad Treasure Tracker on my Wii U while side-eying my bookshelf of unread lofty literature.
Hmm. Maybe I should.
posted by naju at 1:05 PM on January 6, 2015 [15 favorites]
And he realized that she seemed so charming in the other language because she didn't know enough of it to be her normal self, and only had the words to be a more interesting version of herself.
All I know how to do in Spanish is ask people about their jobs and families and listen very closely so I can understand how they answer me. It's amazing how well people respond to people just asking them personal questions and listening, even complete strangers.
posted by empath at 1:06 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
All I know how to do in Spanish is ask people about their jobs and families and listen very closely so I can understand how they answer me. It's amazing how well people respond to people just asking them personal questions and listening, even complete strangers.
posted by empath at 1:06 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm actually picturing the Tim Burtonest of dates in a more Wes Anderson-y way, but that's mainly because I'm really not that attracted to either Helena Bonham Carter or Johnny Depp.
My life is definitely more Wes Anderson than Tim Burton, although I adore Helena Bonham Carter.
posted by maxsparber at 1:07 PM on January 6, 2015
My life is definitely more Wes Anderson than Tim Burton, although I adore Helena Bonham Carter.
posted by maxsparber at 1:07 PM on January 6, 2015
Greg Nog: " Or a bunch of animals standing on each others' shoulders in human clothes, barely able to maintain the simulacrum of hominidism?"
I went to the stock market today. I did a business.
posted by symbioid at 1:11 PM on January 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
I went to the stock market today. I did a business.
posted by symbioid at 1:11 PM on January 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
We need a mefi dating site. MeFiMatch.
posted by pearlybob at 1:13 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by pearlybob at 1:13 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
MeetMe, surely.
MeatMe would be the hookup app.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:14 PM on January 6, 2015 [10 favorites]
MeatMe would be the hookup app.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:14 PM on January 6, 2015 [10 favorites]
I put random stuff from my Facebook statuses (the ones where I thought I was being funny) in my OKC profile (currently disabled) and had the best success from that - not everyone worked out (one did, for a while) - but the messages were much more enthusiastic than when I listed interests, intentionally tried to be sarcastic/ironic, or earnestly talked about what I was looking for.
posted by zutalors! at 1:15 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by zutalors! at 1:15 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Answer some questions to determine your compatibility with other users!
Let's get started!
1) Is a vanguard party necessary for the revolutionary overthrow of the state?
( ) Always
( ) Never
( ) Sometimes
( ) The question is itself counterrevolutionary
Kaplan's Combination SAT Prep Course and Dekulakization Survival Guide told me to always pick the answer with the most words but also to avoid describing any interlocutor as potentially counterrevolutionary, so this is quite the poser.
posted by Copronymus at 1:16 PM on January 6, 2015 [20 favorites]
Let's get started!
1) Is a vanguard party necessary for the revolutionary overthrow of the state?
( ) Always
( ) Never
( ) Sometimes
( ) The question is itself counterrevolutionary
Kaplan's Combination SAT Prep Course and Dekulakization Survival Guide told me to always pick the answer with the most words but also to avoid describing any interlocutor as potentially counterrevolutionary, so this is quite the poser.
posted by Copronymus at 1:16 PM on January 6, 2015 [20 favorites]
It's kind of the diference between someone who's doing something just because that's how they roll, and someone doing something in the hopes you're watching.
Ok, thanks for clearing that up. I sometimes hear it in the context of someone being critical of a creative endeavor. I think someone used "trying too hard" in the thread for an OK Go video, as if they should not try so hard to do neat things.
I generally see "trying" as a good thing and I suspect a good chunk of the time when people guess someone's motivations for doing something ("in the hopes you're watching them"), they're wrong.
posted by bondcliff at 1:16 PM on January 6, 2015
Ok, thanks for clearing that up. I sometimes hear it in the context of someone being critical of a creative endeavor. I think someone used "trying too hard" in the thread for an OK Go video, as if they should not try so hard to do neat things.
I generally see "trying" as a good thing and I suspect a good chunk of the time when people guess someone's motivations for doing something ("in the hopes you're watching them"), they're wrong.
posted by bondcliff at 1:16 PM on January 6, 2015
In my opinion the best presentation of self is one that lists things you genuinely like, with only a glancing thought about whether it's the "right" thing to like.
If you're trying too hard, you're listing only the "right" things. If I see a list of things you like and it's as if someone took a list of canonical books/albums/art and pasted it in, then... what?
posted by mikeh at 1:17 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you're trying too hard, you're listing only the "right" things. If I see a list of things you like and it's as if someone took a list of canonical books/albums/art and pasted it in, then... what?
posted by mikeh at 1:17 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
The only thing in my Tinder profile (also currently disabled) is a quote from Caddyshack.
posted by zutalors! at 1:18 PM on January 6, 2015
posted by zutalors! at 1:18 PM on January 6, 2015
Mefi dating site would be the end of Metafilter's monetary woes.
Hook MefiMatch/MeetMe/MetaDater into Ask.Mefi, but limit asking questions for free to 1-per-month. Then, charge users to ask questions more frequently. Charge extra for anonymous questions, and charge extra to see the anonymous asker's identity. Then, for even more money, charge even more for double-anonymity, and then charge even more for double anonymity unmasking. It's profit all the way down!
After enough dates have been gone on, publish a book on the MetaDater data.
posted by fragmede at 1:24 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hook MefiMatch/MeetMe/MetaDater into Ask.Mefi, but limit asking questions for free to 1-per-month. Then, charge users to ask questions more frequently. Charge extra for anonymous questions, and charge extra to see the anonymous asker's identity. Then, for even more money, charge even more for double-anonymity, and then charge even more for double anonymity unmasking. It's profit all the way down!
After enough dates have been gone on, publish a book on the MetaDater data.
posted by fragmede at 1:24 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
What's funny is when I search for "MetaFilter" as a keyword in OKC basically everybody who comes up is a 90% match or higher. The hivemind is real
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:27 PM on January 6, 2015 [22 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:27 PM on January 6, 2015 [22 favorites]
I would code "trying too hard" in general as "exceeding or ignoring expectations for a given act or task by doing much more than is necessary, or completing an act while doing things that seem out of place for the given requirements."
making a list of things you like that is all the best things is kind of what I was getting at
posted by mikeh at 1:28 PM on January 6, 2015
making a list of things you like that is all the best things is kind of what I was getting at
posted by mikeh at 1:28 PM on January 6, 2015
I'm finding this thread both laugh out loud amusing and terrifying.
I really don't know how I'm going to find the energy to do the date thing again. I think my family is starting to think that it's time to start thinking about it again. A couple of people have brought up the idea of online dating.
Nope, nope, nope. Can't do this sort of bad date thing yet though I do find stories of other peoples bad dates wonderfully amusing.
For now I'll just continue to be as I say when people bring dating up "a spinster in training" and live through other peoples adventures.
posted by Jalliah at 1:30 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I really don't know how I'm going to find the energy to do the date thing again. I think my family is starting to think that it's time to start thinking about it again. A couple of people have brought up the idea of online dating.
Nope, nope, nope. Can't do this sort of bad date thing yet though I do find stories of other peoples bad dates wonderfully amusing.
For now I'll just continue to be as I say when people bring dating up "a spinster in training" and live through other peoples adventures.
posted by Jalliah at 1:30 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I sometimes hear it in the context of someone being critical of a creative endeavor. I think someone used "trying too hard" in the thread for an OK Go video, as if they should not try so hard to do neat things.
...I think the meaning is kind of the same, in the sense that "this artist is trying to look quirky as opposed to just genuinely being quirky", kind of like how I discuss here the difference between Christopher Durang and the Durang wannabes. It's still a sort of "this is an act I'm putting on to get attention" kind of superficial thing, versus a more genuine "no, I really do wear a purple coat all the time".
Actually, I just thought of a great example in the dating world again - I briefly dated a dude who always wore a bracelet made of plastic human teeth. Including, on our first date. It took me a while to notice it, though; and when I finally did, and asked him about it, it turns out there was this amazingly funny story he had about how he got it, from when he was backpacking in Pakistan, and it turned out to be just a whole cool thing about him. (He was REALLY low-key, but had these BOGGLINGLY bizarre stories; it was awesome.)
Now, that was the only weird thing about his outfit; it was just, like, "t-shirt, jeans, sneakers, jean jacket, discreet bracelet of teeth." He wasn't wearing it for attention, he was wearing it because it was just a cool thing he liked, and if I'd been less observant I wouldn't have even noticed and that would have suited him fine either way. Someone who was "trying too hard" would probably have also added a cape or a set of dentists' scrubs and done a lot of gesturing with the hand to make sure I saw it, because he'd have decided for some reason that "ah, let me do something weird like wear a bracelet of teeth so as to attract attention and draw curiosity!"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:30 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
...I think the meaning is kind of the same, in the sense that "this artist is trying to look quirky as opposed to just genuinely being quirky", kind of like how I discuss here the difference between Christopher Durang and the Durang wannabes. It's still a sort of "this is an act I'm putting on to get attention" kind of superficial thing, versus a more genuine "no, I really do wear a purple coat all the time".
Actually, I just thought of a great example in the dating world again - I briefly dated a dude who always wore a bracelet made of plastic human teeth. Including, on our first date. It took me a while to notice it, though; and when I finally did, and asked him about it, it turns out there was this amazingly funny story he had about how he got it, from when he was backpacking in Pakistan, and it turned out to be just a whole cool thing about him. (He was REALLY low-key, but had these BOGGLINGLY bizarre stories; it was awesome.)
Now, that was the only weird thing about his outfit; it was just, like, "t-shirt, jeans, sneakers, jean jacket, discreet bracelet of teeth." He wasn't wearing it for attention, he was wearing it because it was just a cool thing he liked, and if I'd been less observant I wouldn't have even noticed and that would have suited him fine either way. Someone who was "trying too hard" would probably have also added a cape or a set of dentists' scrubs and done a lot of gesturing with the hand to make sure I saw it, because he'd have decided for some reason that "ah, let me do something weird like wear a bracelet of teeth so as to attract attention and draw curiosity!"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:30 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
I can't really think of anything more terrible than dating a mefite, you all already know so many terrible things about me, I'd be like "sorry i'm 15 minutes late, the train was delayed" and you'd be all "fuck you i saw you logged in to psn" and it would be awkward.
posted by poffin boffin at 1:31 PM on January 6, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 1:31 PM on January 6, 2015 [16 favorites]
Worst first date: was a guy I met on a local sex club (Yahoo groups or something or other). And he mumbled something about having to go home and feed his cat. Sigh.
posted by sockerpup at 1:36 PM on January 6, 2015
posted by sockerpup at 1:36 PM on January 6, 2015
y'all know there's no "block" option for mefi users, right? think very carefully. you'll never be able to answer a human relations askme without some nagging thought in the back of your head that your mefite ex is gonna interpret your answer as something negative about them.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 1:36 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 1:36 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
I really don't care for the "I can clearly see that you are just trying to be quirky" thing because - while I suppose there are times when it might be beyond a doubt - it usually just reflects the observer's ideas about what is "too much" and "too weird". Every time I've ever encountered the "that person [or that author] is just trying to impress people" thing, it has not been backed up by any actual evidence - people may have terrible interests, or be bad writers, or be frosty snobs, but they're almost always trying to do what they're trying to do and liking what they like.
posted by Frowner at 1:37 PM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Frowner at 1:37 PM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
I can't really think of anything more terrible than dating a mefite, you all already know so many terrible things about me, I'd be like "sorry i'm 15 minutes late, the train was delayed" and you'd be all "fuck you i saw you logged in to psn" and it would be awkward.
I'm opposite. I'd be happy with people already knowing some terrible things and still wanting to try it out. I'm horrible at the 'getting to know you part' of dating. Probably why all of my long term partners have come out of 'oh hey I've known you for while in some other context, lets date' relationships. This is probably one of the main reasons I find the thought of online dating so terrifying and excruciating.
posted by Jalliah at 1:37 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm opposite. I'd be happy with people already knowing some terrible things and still wanting to try it out. I'm horrible at the 'getting to know you part' of dating. Probably why all of my long term partners have come out of 'oh hey I've known you for while in some other context, lets date' relationships. This is probably one of the main reasons I find the thought of online dating so terrifying and excruciating.
posted by Jalliah at 1:37 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
also probably because it is terrifying and excruciating
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:40 PM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:40 PM on January 6, 2015 [5 favorites]
So this is, uh, an interview? Someone's getting interviewed about a bad date they had? Because they mentioned it on Twitter, I guess?
posted by koeselitz at 1:43 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by koeselitz at 1:43 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
I briefly dated a dude who always wore a bracelet made of plastic human teeth.
Plastic human, or plastic teeth?
posted by Melismata at 1:43 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Plastic human, or plastic teeth?
posted by Melismata at 1:43 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Nope, nope, nope. Can't do this sort of bad date thing yet though I do find stories of other peoples bad dates wonderfully amusing.
You have to sort of get to a place where you go in not expecting much. It doesn't mean you won't still be disappointed but you just have to be like "new person, what will this be like?" I just wish people weren't so weird about online dating. I have dated some people from real life who also did online dating and I wonder if they would have been weirdos if I had met them online instead of real life. Then again I have also met many weirdos IRL.
posted by zutalors! at 1:44 PM on January 6, 2015
You have to sort of get to a place where you go in not expecting much. It doesn't mean you won't still be disappointed but you just have to be like "new person, what will this be like?" I just wish people weren't so weird about online dating. I have dated some people from real life who also did online dating and I wonder if they would have been weirdos if I had met them online instead of real life. Then again I have also met many weirdos IRL.
posted by zutalors! at 1:44 PM on January 6, 2015
So this is, uh, an interview? Someone's getting interviewed about a bad date they had? Because they mentioned it on Twitter, I guess?
yes. as tagged at the top, the post is part of a series called "tell us more," which, as the beginning of the post explains, asks people (presumably within or on the periphery of the social group connected to The Awl) to expand on stories they posted elsewhere online.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 1:47 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
yes. as tagged at the top, the post is part of a series called "tell us more," which, as the beginning of the post explains, asks people (presumably within or on the periphery of the social group connected to The Awl) to expand on stories they posted elsewhere online.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 1:47 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Kaplan's Combination SAT Prep Course and Dekulakization Survival Guide told me to always pick the answer with the most words but also to avoid describing any interlocutor as potentially counterrevolutionary, so this is quite the poser.
Didn't you hear, comrade? Kaplan was purged from the central committee and was denounced during the last plenary session of the politburo for counterrevolutionary thought and plotting against the state. The ideological errors in his theories have been scientifically demonstrated! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to send a telegram.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:51 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
Didn't you hear, comrade? Kaplan was purged from the central committee and was denounced during the last plenary session of the politburo for counterrevolutionary thought and plotting against the state. The ideological errors in his theories have been scientifically demonstrated! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to send a telegram.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:51 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I thought the "Tell Me More" feature sounded really interesting, then I clicked through and saw all the other headlines.... nothing really grabs me.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:53 PM on January 6, 2015
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:53 PM on January 6, 2015
For me, trying to hard is when someone is exuding flop-sweat vibes trying to impress someone. It doesn't leave much room for the person they are trying to impress. In fact it usually has nothing to do with that person, it's all about the flop-sweater.
It's like that scene where Lisa Simpson starts begging people to validate her because she hasn't been in school for a few weeks and can't function without her As.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 1:56 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's like that scene where Lisa Simpson starts begging people to validate her because she hasn't been in school for a few weeks and can't function without her As.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 1:56 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
koeselitz: "So this is, uh, an interview? Someone's getting interviewed about a bad date they had? Because they mentioned it on Twitter, I guess?"
BEST OF THE WEB!
posted by symbioid at 1:59 PM on January 6, 2015 [9 favorites]
BEST OF THE WEB!
posted by symbioid at 1:59 PM on January 6, 2015 [9 favorites]
yeah, trying too hard is like when someone's performing for me and it doesn't matter if I'm there or not (or that's how it makes me feel).
posted by zutalors! at 2:00 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by zutalors! at 2:00 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Plastic human, or plastic teeth?
you're joking, but the actual story is just too awesome - he saw a street market in Pakistan where there were five different guys doing dental work at open-air stalls, and then noticed that they kept on running over to a sixth guy with a stall towards the back and buying something quick and then running back to their patients. He got curious and went over to the sixth stall - he was a guy who was selling fake teeth to the other five guys, who were using them as implants for their patients. He bought two complete sets when he found out that they were only like two sets for a buck.
So, basically he was wearing dentures from Kandahar.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:00 PM on January 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
you're joking, but the actual story is just too awesome - he saw a street market in Pakistan where there were five different guys doing dental work at open-air stalls, and then noticed that they kept on running over to a sixth guy with a stall towards the back and buying something quick and then running back to their patients. He got curious and went over to the sixth stall - he was a guy who was selling fake teeth to the other five guys, who were using them as implants for their patients. He bought two complete sets when he found out that they were only like two sets for a buck.
So, basically he was wearing dentures from Kandahar.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:00 PM on January 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
I can fully relate to this story; like the subject of the OP, on an initial date, I want to something to do or ideas to discuss with a stranger, not talk about myself.
I once went on an OKC 1st date to a free museum. They showed up reeking of cannabis, not yet legal in my state, which I am allergic to. I had told them in an email before meeting I was not 420-friendly. They refused to believe cannabis was not a universal medicine, but I've heard that plenty of times before. If evidence-free beliefs were a dating no-go, I'd probably have been a lifelong celibate.
When we went in, they told me they had never been to an art museum or gallery. I thought this interesting, and asked if they had grown up somewhere remote, been homeschooled, or perhaps from a social/religious milieu that didn't approve of art. Nope, they grew up, went to public schools, and had lived/worked in several major cities as well as mine for the last several years. They were a high-end custom baker - how did they find out the history of their profession? They weren't religious, so that wasn't it.
They couldn't figure out that the plaques/signs on the walls were about the works. They loudly announced their astonishment in an 1890s Viennese exhibit that printing existed before WW2. They disappeared a few times, and by the 3rd or 4th time I figured out they were toking in the restroom. (must have been using a vape since the smoke alarms didn't go off).They wanted to touch the displays and I tried to explain why that wasn't allowed. They did so anyway, which of course set off alarms that brought in the gallery guards.
That seemed a good time to leave and take my leave, permanently.
posted by Dreidl at 2:01 PM on January 6, 2015 [18 favorites]
I once went on an OKC 1st date to a free museum. They showed up reeking of cannabis, not yet legal in my state, which I am allergic to. I had told them in an email before meeting I was not 420-friendly. They refused to believe cannabis was not a universal medicine, but I've heard that plenty of times before. If evidence-free beliefs were a dating no-go, I'd probably have been a lifelong celibate.
When we went in, they told me they had never been to an art museum or gallery. I thought this interesting, and asked if they had grown up somewhere remote, been homeschooled, or perhaps from a social/religious milieu that didn't approve of art. Nope, they grew up, went to public schools, and had lived/worked in several major cities as well as mine for the last several years. They were a high-end custom baker - how did they find out the history of their profession? They weren't religious, so that wasn't it.
They couldn't figure out that the plaques/signs on the walls were about the works. They loudly announced their astonishment in an 1890s Viennese exhibit that printing existed before WW2. They disappeared a few times, and by the 3rd or 4th time I figured out they were toking in the restroom. (must have been using a vape since the smoke alarms didn't go off).They wanted to touch the displays and I tried to explain why that wasn't allowed. They did so anyway, which of course set off alarms that brought in the gallery guards.
That seemed a good time to leave and take my leave, permanently.
posted by Dreidl at 2:01 PM on January 6, 2015 [18 favorites]
They refused to believe cannabis was not a universal medicine
(Another derail, sorry) WHY does this happen?! WHY? WHY?!
posted by Melismata at 2:20 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
(Another derail, sorry) WHY does this happen?! WHY? WHY?!
posted by Melismata at 2:20 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
The next-to-last OKC was a gal that took me 4-ish dates to realize that she was schnockered for every single one of them, from the beginning.
Admittedly, I hadn't had any real experience in my personal life with an alcoholic before, but there were some warning signs I feel like I should have noticed before date three or four, in retrospect.
Not presently enjoying the thought of re-opening the dating can of worms, now that I'm single again. /sigh
posted by Archelaus at 2:22 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Admittedly, I hadn't had any real experience in my personal life with an alcoholic before, but there were some warning signs I feel like I should have noticed before date three or four, in retrospect.
Not presently enjoying the thought of re-opening the dating can of worms, now that I'm single again. /sigh
posted by Archelaus at 2:22 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
okay so can this thread derail into terrible dates everyone has been on yet
"I just finished the most MIND BLOWING BOOK! It's called Atlas Shrugged."
posted by KathrynT at 2:36 PM on January 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
"I just finished the most MIND BLOWING BOOK! It's called Atlas Shrugged."
posted by KathrynT at 2:36 PM on January 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
The public schools I attended in LA had regular field trips to museums even after proposition 13.
posted by brujita at 2:36 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by brujita at 2:36 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
In terms of OKC profiles, though, I've seen a lot of people have success by doing what a friend of mine calls "leading with your flaws." Like, his said "I am 5'8" and kind of chubby and not only play the guitar but actually take my guitar playing really seriously, like I'm in two different bands," and another friend's led with "I am fat and I have two children and I am broke as hell." The idea is, anyone who is really turned off by any of that is clearly not a good match for you anyway, so you might as well send them on their way early. If your profile is less of a gill net and more of a homing beacon, designed to appeal to the handful of people reading it who will actually get you, you won't go on as many dates but fewer of them will be bad.
I met my husband before OKC was a thing but I have frequently amused / distressed myself by trying to imagine what my hypothetical OKC profile would look like by this method.
posted by KathrynT at 2:43 PM on January 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
I met my husband before OKC was a thing but I have frequently amused / distressed myself by trying to imagine what my hypothetical OKC profile would look like by this method.
posted by KathrynT at 2:43 PM on January 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
mine would be basically:
- have you ever cried at the end of a video game NOT released by bioware, if so which one
- can babies understand the basic tenets of marxism-leninism or are they just stupidly humoring me
- what is the appropriate cat to dog ratio in the ideal home environment
- shoes on or off inside the house
i don't know if i actually care about anything else
posted by poffin boffin at 2:49 PM on January 6, 2015 [15 favorites]
- have you ever cried at the end of a video game NOT released by bioware, if so which one
- can babies understand the basic tenets of marxism-leninism or are they just stupidly humoring me
- what is the appropriate cat to dog ratio in the ideal home environment
- shoes on or off inside the house
i don't know if i actually care about anything else
posted by poffin boffin at 2:49 PM on January 6, 2015 [15 favorites]
oh right toilet paper roll orientation
posted by poffin boffin at 2:50 PM on January 6, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 2:50 PM on January 6, 2015 [10 favorites]
What's funny is when I search for "MetaFilter" as a keyword in OKC basically everybody who comes up is a 90% match or higher. The hivemind is real
This had never occurred to me (maybe I should add 'not too bright' to my profile) and it seemed like a wonderful idea. Except of course, there is nobody matching within any possible distance parameter (the closest is nearly 12k km away). There are three matches in the entire world, all of whom look pretty awesome. It's fortunate I'm so terrified of the whole 'dating' thing (53 and never been on a 'real' date) that I'll never do anything with OKC but wistfully window-shop, I guess.
The woman in the article? Makes me even more terrified. Sure, it's pretty awful to turn up drunk for a date, but who knows what the backstory is? Let he who has never been inappropriately drunk in their life cast the first stone etc. To keep going along with it, rather than asking what's up, basically to get a funny story out of the date? That's a pretty awful thing to do to another human.
posted by dg at 2:58 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
This had never occurred to me (maybe I should add 'not too bright' to my profile) and it seemed like a wonderful idea. Except of course, there is nobody matching within any possible distance parameter (the closest is nearly 12k km away). There are three matches in the entire world, all of whom look pretty awesome. It's fortunate I'm so terrified of the whole 'dating' thing (53 and never been on a 'real' date) that I'll never do anything with OKC but wistfully window-shop, I guess.
The woman in the article? Makes me even more terrified. Sure, it's pretty awful to turn up drunk for a date, but who knows what the backstory is? Let he who has never been inappropriately drunk in their life cast the first stone etc. To keep going along with it, rather than asking what's up, basically to get a funny story out of the date? That's a pretty awful thing to do to another human.
posted by dg at 2:58 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am trying to decide if the guy who had two Art Nouveau Princess Leia sleeves and said "Maybe on our next date, I'll show you my *wink* other tats" is better or worse than the guy who literally honked my boob when he kissed me goodnight after our first date, but we spent an awesome afternoon at a pirate takeover of our local tall ship.
posted by ChuraChura at 3:01 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by ChuraChura at 3:01 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
To keep going along with it, rather than asking what's up, basically to get a funny story out of the date? That's a pretty awful thing to do to another human.
I mean, even though I have gone on record as wishing we knew how that confrontation would have turned out, I am assuming that the situation is as EmpressCallipygos already pointed out and she was a naturally not terribly blunt kind of person who was unsure how-to-date in the first place (my reaction was different due to my also not knowing how-to-date and generally being very cards-on-the-table and honest in any social situation I'm unsure about). It might seem like she was in a position where she held the power of how humiliated *the date* was, but her wording suggests she felt powerless and took the polite, nice-girl way out of the situation, finding it funny after she'd escaped. Kind of like giving the guy at the bar a fake number after he's asked you five times, instead of risking an accidental escalation in a situation where you don't have backup close at hand.
Poffin: To The Moon, they understand but are terrible at carrying on a conversation about it, 2.5 cats to each dog (but with a minimum of 1 cat regardless of dog quantity), off preferably but definitely either one or the other *all the time*, paper flap on top or else on a vertical spindle. That is a good quiz, I wish job interviews worked like that. (although as Frowner points out, I would need to also ask hypothetical friend/date/people what instrument they play because I can literally count on one hand the number of friends I have ever had who were not musicians, and not because of any careful pre-screening.)
posted by C. K. Dexter Haven at 3:10 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I mean, even though I have gone on record as wishing we knew how that confrontation would have turned out, I am assuming that the situation is as EmpressCallipygos already pointed out and she was a naturally not terribly blunt kind of person who was unsure how-to-date in the first place (my reaction was different due to my also not knowing how-to-date and generally being very cards-on-the-table and honest in any social situation I'm unsure about). It might seem like she was in a position where she held the power of how humiliated *the date* was, but her wording suggests she felt powerless and took the polite, nice-girl way out of the situation, finding it funny after she'd escaped. Kind of like giving the guy at the bar a fake number after he's asked you five times, instead of risking an accidental escalation in a situation where you don't have backup close at hand.
Poffin: To The Moon, they understand but are terrible at carrying on a conversation about it, 2.5 cats to each dog (but with a minimum of 1 cat regardless of dog quantity), off preferably but definitely either one or the other *all the time*, paper flap on top or else on a vertical spindle. That is a good quiz, I wish job interviews worked like that. (although as Frowner points out, I would need to also ask hypothetical friend/date/people what instrument they play because I can literally count on one hand the number of friends I have ever had who were not musicians, and not because of any careful pre-screening.)
posted by C. K. Dexter Haven at 3:10 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
My first date with a classmate over spring break was a drive to a waterfall in a canyon above our school because the snowpack was melting and we both wanted to see the falls in full spate.
The falls were great but a little crowded, and on our way back to the trailhead where her car was parked, I suggested it might be fun to hike up the big slope by the trail and have a look at the stream above and the falls itself from on top if we could get there, but when we got to the crest of the ridge two feet of snow was still on the long slope down to the stream, even though there was almost no snow along the path to the falls.
I wanted to go on down anyway, and she agreed. The ground under the snow was mud from the meltwater and extremely slippery, but the big fool kept on, and we played around for awhile on the treacherous banks of the stream -- still mostly covered in ice -- and saw what there was to see, which wasn't much.
But when I tried to lead the way back, the muddy ground was so slick I couldn't make it 15 feet above the stream on the path we'd come down, no matter if I went on all fours grabbing every rock and plant I could get hold of, or not.
I tried three more places with no better luck, and at the fourth lost purchase up 25 feet or so, and slid down backwards on hands and feet, over the bank of the stream and out onto the ice -- and then through the ice, and was rolled downstream under the ice for a couple of yards until I could get my feet under me and break back out into the air, only to see my date already running toward me along the bank instead of standing stunned or paralyzed (hmm! I thought).
We finally decided we'd have to wade down the stream to a point where the footing was better, but the banks soon gave way to unscalable rock walls, and we ended up wading almost to the falls; more than a mile, I'd say, but less than three, and through water never much more than waist deep, except at one point where the water divided around a house-sized boulder in mid-channel, which we opted to climb.
It took maybe three hours to make it back to her car, and we ended up living together for more than five years.
Did I forget to mention I didn't date in high school, and that this was my very first date ever?
posted by jamjam at 3:12 PM on January 6, 2015 [25 favorites]
The falls were great but a little crowded, and on our way back to the trailhead where her car was parked, I suggested it might be fun to hike up the big slope by the trail and have a look at the stream above and the falls itself from on top if we could get there, but when we got to the crest of the ridge two feet of snow was still on the long slope down to the stream, even though there was almost no snow along the path to the falls.
I wanted to go on down anyway, and she agreed. The ground under the snow was mud from the meltwater and extremely slippery, but the big fool kept on, and we played around for awhile on the treacherous banks of the stream -- still mostly covered in ice -- and saw what there was to see, which wasn't much.
But when I tried to lead the way back, the muddy ground was so slick I couldn't make it 15 feet above the stream on the path we'd come down, no matter if I went on all fours grabbing every rock and plant I could get hold of, or not.
I tried three more places with no better luck, and at the fourth lost purchase up 25 feet or so, and slid down backwards on hands and feet, over the bank of the stream and out onto the ice -- and then through the ice, and was rolled downstream under the ice for a couple of yards until I could get my feet under me and break back out into the air, only to see my date already running toward me along the bank instead of standing stunned or paralyzed (hmm! I thought).
We finally decided we'd have to wade down the stream to a point where the footing was better, but the banks soon gave way to unscalable rock walls, and we ended up wading almost to the falls; more than a mile, I'd say, but less than three, and through water never much more than waist deep, except at one point where the water divided around a house-sized boulder in mid-channel, which we opted to climb.
It took maybe three hours to make it back to her car, and we ended up living together for more than five years.
Did I forget to mention I didn't date in high school, and that this was my very first date ever?
posted by jamjam at 3:12 PM on January 6, 2015 [25 favorites]
Wait, honking boobs is a no-no on the first date?
posted by josher71 at 3:13 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by josher71 at 3:13 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
GIFT SHOP, 10 MINUTES!
posted by clavdivs at 3:13 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by clavdivs at 3:13 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Like, I'm definitely not including in my profile that I change into my PJ's as soon as I get home from work, and play Captain Toad Treasure Tracker on my Wii U while side-eying my bookshelf of unread lofty literature.
What, why not! You don't want people to get envious. That's it, right?
posted by ersatz at 3:24 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
What, why not! You don't want people to get envious. That's it, right?
posted by ersatz at 3:24 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
*wink*
Call me old fashioned, but I don't think you should wink at somebody until the third date.
(This started as a joke, but I think it's actually a good rule.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:27 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
Call me old fashioned, but I don't think you should wink at somebody until the third date.
(This started as a joke, but I think it's actually a good rule.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:27 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
This is exactly why I've never dated.
posted by The Whelk at 3:50 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 3:50 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
naju, yeah, you know, it's a thin line. I like Neutral Milk Hotel but I'm not sure I'd want to date someone who put Neutral Milk Hotel in their dating profile.
posted by saul wright at 3:58 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by saul wright at 3:58 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
OKC's utility for me has been great in terms of making new friends, but dates through the site didn't work out. They weren't terrible; they were just about as romantic as a job interview. By the same token, all of my bad dates were just due to a lack of compatibility beyond physical attraction. Oh, except for the one date who went off on a pro-life screed over dinner.
I met my current girlfriend in the IWW, and it's been the most successful and fulfilling relationship I've had since ... wow, since ever really. Ergo:
1) Is a vanguard party necessary for the revolutionary overthrow of the state?
( ) Always
( ) Never
( ) Sometimes
(X) The question is itself counterrevolutionary
Unite the working class; not the Left, solidarity forever!
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 4:01 PM on January 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
I met my current girlfriend in the IWW, and it's been the most successful and fulfilling relationship I've had since ... wow, since ever really. Ergo:
1) Is a vanguard party necessary for the revolutionary overthrow of the state?
( ) Always
( ) Never
( ) Sometimes
(X) The question is itself counterrevolutionary
Unite the working class; not the Left, solidarity forever!
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 4:01 PM on January 6, 2015 [7 favorites]
My first date with my husband was so confusing. I asked him out, but since we worked together he said we had to go out "as friends." We met at the restaurant, but it turned out that he had just come from from a family get together at another restaurant and had already eaten. So he watched me eat while we asked first date questions even though it wasn't a date. Just when I had convinced myself that it really wasn't a date, he paid for my dinner and asked me to the movies the next week. So, that's actually our first official date. We went to see 12 Monkeys, but he needed a few things at the store first, so I tagged along to the supermarket and held his coupons for him. An inauspicious beginning, but that was 19 years ago, so it all worked out.
posted by Biblio at 4:17 PM on January 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Biblio at 4:17 PM on January 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
I took a girl to see Blue Velvet on a first date (I mean, David Lynch directed The Elephant Man, so it can't be that bad, right?), and she mercifully allowed me to take her out another time.
posted by Chuffy at 4:24 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Chuffy at 4:24 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I usually just show up at bars with shit I've nicked from museums. I'm kind of like a reverse Indiana Jones in a lot of ways. If you can't get a second date when you're flashing around a whole bunch of ancient Roman gold umlauts or whatever those coins are called, and you just flick one onto the bar to pay for everybody's drinks, and he doesn't understand that that thing is an antique golden Roman umlaut worth like thousands of dollars and just puts it in his pocket because he thinks it's a tip, and then you fight him to get it back, and then security throws you out, then, man, I don't know what I can do to help you.
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:45 PM on January 6, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 4:45 PM on January 6, 2015 [10 favorites]
The schadenfreude this post has elicited is so real, and so good. Thank you for those awful and hilarious stories. Keep dating!
posted by nikoniko at 5:16 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by nikoniko at 5:16 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Plastic human, or plastic teeth?
I'd only worry if he was carrying a pair of pliers.
the time I attempted to lose my virginity outside in the winter but it was too...um... cold
There are growers, showers, and hibernators.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:43 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'd only worry if he was carrying a pair of pliers.
the time I attempted to lose my virginity outside in the winter but it was too...um... cold
There are growers, showers, and hibernators.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:43 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
the latter comes roaring furiously out of its cave, hair rank and matted, eyes wild, to tragically slaughter a troop of cub scouts on a midwinter birdwatching trip
posted by poffin boffin at 6:05 PM on January 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 6:05 PM on January 6, 2015 [6 favorites]
I too would make a joke about my bedroom being the Museum of Sex, but the truth is it's more like the Archaeological Dig Site of Sex. And I have no clue what the miniature trowel is for.
posted by um at 6:23 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by um at 6:23 PM on January 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was taking his side until that dude dissed Manet. Screw him.
posted by 4ster at 6:24 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by 4ster at 6:24 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
MetaFlirter, surely.
posted by uosuaq at 6:31 PM on January 6, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by uosuaq at 6:31 PM on January 6, 2015 [10 favorites]
Guys. Guys. The best (well, along the best) way to quickly end a date (well, any sort of socializing, I guess), when you're horrified/bored/alienated, is to simply get up and walk away. Putting any needful monies down first, of course. If they ask, intone soberly that you have to return some videotapes. If they think that's funny, then boom, new lease on the date! If not, you were just leaving anyway!
posted by clockzero at 6:32 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by clockzero at 6:32 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
I thought the best way to back out of a date was to furtively set your mobile alarm for five minutes from now, pretend you got a call, and then react as if you're getting some horrible news before standing up and stammering something about your sister getting arrested for shoplifting again as you make a hasty exit.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 6:35 PM on January 6, 2015
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 6:35 PM on January 6, 2015
See now, this is neoliberalism - the entrepreneurial self, building one's brand, the question of what brand to build and how to build it, etc, with the question of what one is actually interested in primarily relevant in terms of how it builds the coherent brand of the self so that one can successfully engage in marketing/dating. (I mean, I think you should include the hobbies, because why would you want to date someone who thinks something you care about is ipso facto weird?)
I'm pretty sure it's not the practice of being selective about what aspects of one's self to present based on context that I'd associate with "neoliberalism," but the reframing of basic social interactions (like that one) in terms of capitalism and "branding."
posted by atoxyl at 6:41 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm pretty sure it's not the practice of being selective about what aspects of one's self to present based on context that I'd associate with "neoliberalism," but the reframing of basic social interactions (like that one) in terms of capitalism and "branding."
posted by atoxyl at 6:41 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
So this is, uh, an interview? Someone's getting interviewed about a bad date they had? Because they mentioned it on Twitter, I guess?
koeselitz! So what happened here?
posted by threeants at 6:50 PM on January 6, 2015
koeselitz! So what happened here?
posted by threeants at 6:50 PM on January 6, 2015
I have a friend who invited a woman to a museum for their first date. They were in the Greek vases section, and he pointed at an image on a vase and said, "Do you think that's supposed to be Dionysus?" And she replied, "Oh my god, I love dinosaurs."
And the date was over.
posted by lollusc at 7:14 PM on January 6, 2015 [13 favorites]
And the date was over.
posted by lollusc at 7:14 PM on January 6, 2015 [13 favorites]
When someone invokes Dionysus, the proper response is to get drunk while dancing around a goat, tear your date to pieces, and the ritually consume him.
posted by maxsparber at 7:44 PM on January 6, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by maxsparber at 7:44 PM on January 6, 2015 [10 favorites]
I took a girl to see Blue Velvet on a first date
Man, I miss the time when "Crumb" was in the theatres
posted by thelonius at 7:46 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Man, I miss the time when "Crumb" was in the theatres
posted by thelonius at 7:46 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
if the goat dancing soundtrack is beyonce technically this is already my everyday life
posted by poffin boffin at 7:48 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 7:48 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
creepy_orc_saying_manflesh.gif
posted by poffin boffin at 7:49 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by poffin boffin at 7:49 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
The problem is that dating profiles seem almost entirely designed to encourage the latter. Like, I'm definitely not including in my profile that I change into my PJ's as soon as I get home from work
You should! On that section where it asks what you're typically doing on a Friday night I had something along the lines of "get home from work, take my pants off, pour a bowl of cereal, then watch tv on the couch with my dog until I fall asleep." Because honestly dating someone who would want me to regularly go out and do things with them on a Friday night sounds like an absolute nightmare.
posted by phunniemee at 8:47 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
You should! On that section where it asks what you're typically doing on a Friday night I had something along the lines of "get home from work, take my pants off, pour a bowl of cereal, then watch tv on the couch with my dog until I fall asleep." Because honestly dating someone who would want me to regularly go out and do things with them on a Friday night sounds like an absolute nightmare.
posted by phunniemee at 8:47 PM on January 6, 2015 [4 favorites]
Yeah, the essence of "trying too hard" is performance. If you do something in a self-conscious (and probably misguided) attempt to impress others with your taste, worldliness, cleverness, coolness, or whatever, then you're trying too hard. Stereotypical but real-world examples include showing off how obscure or refined your musical tastes are, making sure that people know you're An Artist (and probably spending more time cultivating that persona than, you know, creating art), and deliberately wearing stupid clothes to demonstrate that you're above fashion. Twentysomething hipster stuff, basically. Most people fall victim to it when they're young; most people eventually grow out of it. Mostly.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 8:53 PM on January 6, 2015
posted by escape from the potato planet at 8:53 PM on January 6, 2015
Yeah actually naju, if I read "I like to watch TV in my PJs while eating cereal" I would be thinking KINDRED SPIRIT for sure.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:00 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:00 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
Fine, I'm adding that to my profile, and YOU'RE ALL TO BLAME (for my hopefully meeting someone really cool to hang out in PJs with)
posted by naju at 9:18 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by naju at 9:18 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
Naju-As a joke a friend of mine (male) and I on OKCupid both added to our profiles that we love cabin in the woods and don't even bother if you don't. I can't believe how many responses I get because of that. I never would have thought it, but hey....it works!
posted by miss-lapin at 9:39 PM on January 6, 2015
posted by miss-lapin at 9:39 PM on January 6, 2015
Metafilter: Do you like me?
( ) Yes
( ) No
( ) The question is itself counterrevolutionary
posted by bswinburn at 11:48 PM on January 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
( ) Yes
( ) No
( ) The question is itself counterrevolutionary
posted by bswinburn at 11:48 PM on January 6, 2015 [8 favorites]
Christ you people, if I had any idea that that date would have generated such a massive thread I would have shown up sober. I mean I like art and all but the place was totally Nagel free!
You gotta give me some warning.
posted by boilermonster at 11:49 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
You gotta give me some warning.
posted by boilermonster at 11:49 PM on January 6, 2015 [3 favorites]
One possible problem with mentioning odd interests is that people may not believe you.
In my OKcupid days I answered "what do people first notice about you" with "my unicycle" because it was true. You try going out for a nice Sunday uni ride and talking about anything else with people you meet.
But one of my dates was confused when I mentioned going on a ride later, because he assumed it was a joke. The guy clearly thought I was a bit odd, I thought he was a bit normal, and that was the end of that.
posted by nat at 11:51 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
In my OKcupid days I answered "what do people first notice about you" with "my unicycle" because it was true. You try going out for a nice Sunday uni ride and talking about anything else with people you meet.
But one of my dates was confused when I mentioned going on a ride later, because he assumed it was a joke. The guy clearly thought I was a bit odd, I thought he was a bit normal, and that was the end of that.
posted by nat at 11:51 PM on January 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
The proper formula for number of cats in a household is n = l - 1, where l is the number of laps regularly available. The number of laps available must always be higher than the number of cats so that the extra person can answer the phone, or bring food to the people pinned down by cats.
I have no data on the ideal number of dogs.
posted by Soliloquy at 12:03 AM on January 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
I have no data on the ideal number of dogs.
posted by Soliloquy at 12:03 AM on January 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
I go back and forth about how weird my profile should be. If I tone things down, I get lots of responses, but lots of bad matches. So then I play up the art interests, the suit of armor in my living room, my desire to date someone with a creative streak, and the matches are better, but far fewer. Mostly depends on how lonely I am.
I'm currently dating a lovely woman who I met via OKCupid. We took down our profiles 4 months ago and now have a joint Costco membership, so I guess you can say things are getting pretty serious.
posted by MrMoonPie at 5:12 AM on January 7, 2015 [9 favorites]
I'm currently dating a lovely woman who I met via OKCupid. We took down our profiles 4 months ago and now have a joint Costco membership, so I guess you can say things are getting pretty serious.
posted by MrMoonPie at 5:12 AM on January 7, 2015 [9 favorites]
The nadir of the date was probably when he pointed at a baroque chest of drawers and proclaimed, “This is so bourgeois.”
See, this could he very funny and charming if said in the right way.
Exactly what I thought when I read it. I once identified a flower as "my favorite coelacanth" just to hear my botanist wife snort, "That's a fish, you idiot!"
posted by TrialByMedia at 1:16 PM on January 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
See, this could he very funny and charming if said in the right way.
Exactly what I thought when I read it. I once identified a flower as "my favorite coelacanth" just to hear my botanist wife snort, "That's a fish, you idiot!"
posted by TrialByMedia at 1:16 PM on January 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
The proper formula for number of cats in a household is n = l - 1, where l is the number of laps regularly available. The number of laps available must always be higher than the number of cats so that the extra person can answer the phone, or bring food to the people pinned down by cats.
Sorry, but that only applies where l > 1. The minimum number of cats for any household is always 1.
posted by InfidelZombie at 1:24 PM on January 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
Sorry, but that only applies where l > 1. The minimum number of cats for any household is always 1.
posted by InfidelZombie at 1:24 PM on January 7, 2015 [6 favorites]
And the maximum number of cats is two more than I have.
posted by MrMoonPie at 2:54 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by MrMoonPie at 2:54 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
So, she isn't a drunk date virgin anymore?
She should be grateful he didn't pick her up in a car.
posted by buzzman at 3:08 PM on January 7, 2015
She should be grateful he didn't pick her up in a car.
posted by buzzman at 3:08 PM on January 7, 2015
So prior to meeting my wife I went on a dating binge. It wasn't solely online dating, but there were quite a few people I met from various dating sites as well as people I met through friends, in line at the supermarket, at bars, etc. I was gregarious and prolific at the time.
So anyway, I had more than a few ridiculous dates. And to be honest, I was probably the cause of more than a few ridiculous dates myself because I didn't really care at the time.
One of them, I met a girl for dinner and then drinks. We seemed to hit it off so she came back to my place. She got totally undressed and then told me that I had to pay her 180$ because she was a prostitute. I mean whatever, but to make me pay for dinner and drinks first seems a little unethical.
Another time I met a girl at a galbi restaurant (I live in Korea), and after the meal I was paying the cashier while she emptied the entire bowl of mints into her purse. First of all, the mints were unwrapped. Second of all, a bowl of mints probably costs something in the realm of 2$. Third of all, both the cashier and I were aghast.
Yet another galbi restaurant story, but this one might smack of me being culturally insensitive. I met a girl on a first date at a galbi place, and they put two shrimp on the grill. The shrimp were not cleaned, so were head, shell, legs, antennae, the whole thing. After we finished the meat, the date at the entire shrimp from the tip of the antenna to the end of the tail.
Another time I met a girl online and she said she wanted to come to my place and watch a movie. She came over, made it abundantly clear that she wanted nothing to do with me and then stayed - without moving - for three days on the floor next to my bed. Phew!
posted by Literaryhero at 3:23 AM on January 10, 2015 [9 favorites]
So anyway, I had more than a few ridiculous dates. And to be honest, I was probably the cause of more than a few ridiculous dates myself because I didn't really care at the time.
One of them, I met a girl for dinner and then drinks. We seemed to hit it off so she came back to my place. She got totally undressed and then told me that I had to pay her 180$ because she was a prostitute. I mean whatever, but to make me pay for dinner and drinks first seems a little unethical.
Another time I met a girl at a galbi restaurant (I live in Korea), and after the meal I was paying the cashier while she emptied the entire bowl of mints into her purse. First of all, the mints were unwrapped. Second of all, a bowl of mints probably costs something in the realm of 2$. Third of all, both the cashier and I were aghast.
Yet another galbi restaurant story, but this one might smack of me being culturally insensitive. I met a girl on a first date at a galbi place, and they put two shrimp on the grill. The shrimp were not cleaned, so were head, shell, legs, antennae, the whole thing. After we finished the meat, the date at the entire shrimp from the tip of the antenna to the end of the tail.
Another time I met a girl online and she said she wanted to come to my place and watch a movie. She came over, made it abundantly clear that she wanted nothing to do with me and then stayed - without moving - for three days on the floor next to my bed. Phew!
posted by Literaryhero at 3:23 AM on January 10, 2015 [9 favorites]
Oh and for the last one, I was living in a 144sqft studio apartment. It was weird.
posted by Literaryhero at 3:24 AM on January 10, 2015
posted by Literaryhero at 3:24 AM on January 10, 2015
uh. did it not occur to you to ask her to leave? i mean, i need so much more information, SO much more. what were those 3 days like.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:34 AM on January 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:34 AM on January 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
are you totally sure she was not a ghost.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:35 AM on January 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:35 AM on January 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
At first I was like "oh yeah, I gotta go to work soon, so..." and that didn't work. Then I was like "don't you have somewhere to be?" No answer. Finally I said "You gotta go!" She just curled up in a ball on the floor.
Awkward. Im a pretty easy going guy, so after that I just let it go until it resolved itself. I mean she wasn't making a mess or anything. It was kind of like having a big stuffed animal for a few days, and then one day I came home and she was gone. No note and never heard from her again. Who knows.
posted by Literaryhero at 8:16 PM on January 10, 2015 [22 favorites]
Awkward. Im a pretty easy going guy, so after that I just let it go until it resolved itself. I mean she wasn't making a mess or anything. It was kind of like having a big stuffed animal for a few days, and then one day I came home and she was gone. No note and never heard from her again. Who knows.
posted by Literaryhero at 8:16 PM on January 10, 2015 [22 favorites]
that's so weird still. It's like an odd short movie or something.
posted by zutalors! at 7:30 AM on January 12, 2015
posted by zutalors! at 7:30 AM on January 12, 2015
There is no way I'd have left the house with her in it the first night.
posted by empath at 7:49 AM on January 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by empath at 7:49 AM on January 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
idk I would have turned the hose on her like she was an angry raccoon in the trash, or at least just opened the front door and shoved her out with a broom.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:27 AM on January 12, 2015
posted by poffin boffin at 8:27 AM on January 12, 2015
Kind of expecting that story to involve a sheep with a red star on its side, or a guy who can talk to cats. How were her ears?
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 8:46 AM on January 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 8:46 AM on January 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
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Alcoholism
posted by thelonius at 11:27 AM on January 6, 2015 [35 favorites]