How to load the dishwasher. Every dishwasher.
January 7, 2015 5:51 PM   Subscribe

Writer Joe Clark downloaded user guides from every dishwasher manufacturer he could find, and collected the illustrations showing the correct way to load each model into the most deeply satisfying Flickr album you will ever see.
posted by apricot (51 comments total) 39 users marked this as a favorite
 
Satisfying? lol...
*clicks*
oohhmmmmmmmm
posted by stinkfoot at 5:54 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


"See? I was right.."
- hissed by me at nobody in particular.
posted by Artw at 5:59 PM on January 7, 2015 [30 favorites]


There on Page 14 are instructions for getting 12 place settings into the upper and lower racks.

I have never owned twelve place settings in my life, so the diagrams don't really work for me. My dishwasher loading issues always come from pans that are too tall and hit the spinner thing, or needing to run the dishwasher 2/3 full because all of the mugs are dirty and people are coming over soon.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:03 PM on January 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


The manual illustrations always show the dishes that you'd have after a big dinner party - twelve identical plates, twelve identical salad bowls, etc., which line up in tidy rows.

That strikes me as an anachronism, from the days when only the well-to-do had dishwadhing machines.

My dishes are a motley, mismatched bunch assembled via inheritance and serendipity rather than deliberate acquisition. My dishwasher can never look so tidy, and I suspect I'm part of the majority on this score.
posted by Western Infidels at 6:05 PM on January 7, 2015 [13 favorites]


I want to print this out and hang it up at work. Then maybe I won't have to re-load the dishwasher all the time. *eye twitch*
posted by apricot at 6:05 PM on January 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


No. Satisfying for me would be forcing a few people to watch this in sort of a Clockwork Orange setting.
posted by Nanukthedog at 6:12 PM on January 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


Was hoping for a rack filled with a bunch of bowls right-side up with a giant X overlayed on the illustration.
posted by wcfields at 6:14 PM on January 7, 2015 [12 favorites]


Dishwasher loading is an eternal source of conflict in my home. Effectively Mrs. Lobster will load stuff from front to back with odd spaces between items, which is of course false, wrong and utterly horrible. When confronted with this abysmal sight while loading additional items I must of course sigh audibly and reload everything as it should have been. But for some reason I do not get the admiring glances from Mrs. Lobster that I deserve. Instead there is barely concealed angry glares, deep breaths and visible rolling of the eyes.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 6:15 PM on January 7, 2015 [32 favorites]


I had a dishwasher in my old place. I live alone.

It was handy to store stuff in.
posted by disclaimer at 6:20 PM on January 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


Sending this to my husband.
posted by antinomia at 6:24 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


Missed one.
posted by mykescipark at 6:36 PM on January 7, 2015


Thanks to the LA Times article mentioned in the linked post, I can now tell my wife she's Sidney Lumet, but I'm the Bob Fosse of the house.

Nothing could possibly go wrong with this plan.
posted by fedward at 6:40 PM on January 7, 2015


obsessive compulsive dishorder.
posted by Dashy at 6:52 PM on January 7, 2015 [8 favorites]


Dad. Dad. Hey Dad. Dad, come check this out. Dad? Dad!
posted by entropone at 7:03 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


This is why I won't have one of those machines in the house. Himself already has a laundry thing, and I don't think I could deal with two chore obsessions.
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 7:04 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


My brain exhaled once and then completely shut down as soon as I started browsing. This photoset is basically my personal Snow Crash.
posted by phooky at 7:47 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: The cutlery should be arranged in an orderly manner inside the basket, with the handles pointing downwards.
posted by sneebler at 8:12 PM on January 7, 2015 [3 favorites]


Metafilter's own Joe Clark. User 250, no less.
posted by bicyclefish at 8:19 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


I miss Metafilter's own Joe Clark.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 8:32 PM on January 7, 2015


1) Gather tablecloth from all four corners into giant bundle.
2) Shove bundle haphazardly into dishwasher.
3) Toss in open bottle of laundry detergent or Selsun Blue or whatever.
4) Close dishwasher and press buttons randomly until it starts making noises.
5) Smoke another bowl.
posted by sexyrobot at 8:43 PM on January 7, 2015 [15 favorites]


Some of those illustrations had the cutlery every which way IN THE SAME DISHWASHER LOAD and I just can't even.

Handle up means the food residue has a shorter distance to travel before it slides off into the washer's drain. Plus, when you're emptying the dishwasher, you don't have to grab a knife blade. And when you entrust someone else with emptying the dishwasher, you don't have to worry about them getting their grimy mitts all over the business end of your cutlery.

That's best, and I am right.

Handle down also means food gets all over the handles as it slides down into the drain, which... why would you allow that?
posted by emelenjr at 8:54 PM on January 7, 2015 [11 favorites]


Hairy Lobster, what is it with you guys and the sighing about the dishwasher? When we were teens, we learned we could finally get away with not doing dishes by haphazardly chucking everything into the dishwasher and running away giggling. Dad would then heave a sigh audible all the way across the house, and re-do it the Right Way, because he cared That Much.

And you can't ever have him, his sister, and a dishwasher in the same room, lest you want that dishwasher in an eternal state of flux between two interpretations of the Right Way.
posted by gusandrews at 8:55 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


I want to print this out and hang it up at work. Then maybe I won't have to re-load the dishwasher all the time. *eye twitch*

I still have flash backs of co-workers staking plates on top of each other in the middle of the rack.
posted by MikeKD at 9:18 PM on January 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


I have been following this guide to dishwasher loading and can attest to its effectiveness.
posted by Deepspace at 9:27 PM on January 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


Makes me really want one of those industrial dishwashers with the removable plastic trays and where the water never drains out until you tell it you're totally done, and each cycle takes about 90 seconds.

You can just toss a bunch of stuff onto the tray, better if it's dirty side down but really, meh, who cares. Screw sorting silverware, much less plates; you can run, like, an entire tray of spoons just dumped in a single layer on the tray. Just slam the tray in there, hit the Big Red Button, and then it does... whatever it does. I assume it involves hot water, industrial chemicals, black magic, and maybe hard ionizing radiation, but two minutes later they're clean and hot enough to cook an egg on. You could probably put an entire roast beef in there and somehow it'd be gone two minutes later.

People get all weak in the knees for professional stoves and stuff, to each their own I guess, but I've never thought I needed to incinerate things faster on my stove ... but damn if I don't want one of those dishwashers.
posted by Kadin2048 at 10:07 PM on January 7, 2015 [10 favorites]


Our dishwasher is currently broken and I'm doing dishes by hand and it's like I'm AN ANIMAL!
posted by maupuia at 10:50 PM on January 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


The diagram for the placement of the silverware in the vertical silverware basket for our Bosch dishwasher was insanely specific. The wife was insanely specific. We started out "Ok, I'll cook and you do the dishes". We ended up I did all the cooking and all the dishes and she did all the laundry. We also ended up divorced.

I blame Germany.
posted by vapidave at 11:41 PM on January 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


You could probably put an entire roast beef in there and somehow it'd be gone two minutes later.

I use to work as a dishwasher at a small restaurant, and one of my responsibilities was to wash the potatoes every night so they were ready to prep for the next days breakfast crowd. The way this was done was running the dishwasher without detergent to clean it out, and then put the potatoes in the dishwasher to clean them. I can say that this did indeed partially cook the potatoes. Looking back on it, they do disgusting things in restaurants.
posted by OrangeGloves at 12:26 AM on January 8, 2015 [5 favorites]


Kadin2048, I too have hankered after one of those ever since a school trip where part of my assigned chores included loading the astonishing dish blaster after breakfast.

Throw everything in, without any detergent that I remember, and 90 seconds later out come magically clean dishes. After the 90 minutes of chuntering away by the dishwasher at home, this seemed like a revelation.

On reflection, I suspect the reason everyone doesn't have one is that that process involves high pressure super heated steam or some such, and all but the most sturdy of institutional/industrial grade crockery would be rapidly abraded away to nothing or left with a texture as if it had been acid etched.
posted by Dext at 3:56 AM on January 8, 2015


the most deeply satisfying Flickr album you will ever see.

I guess I'm just not one of those people who gets off on housework porn (storage porn, laundry porn etc.) It's like those ads that try to convince you that Joy dishwashing liquid will actually make dishwashing a joy, or that smelling freshly laundered towels is the highlight of a woman's day. I mean, seriously, would you rather be standing in your damp basement pulling Meadow Freshtm-scented towels out of your dryer, or in an actual meadow doing meadow stuffs?

Fuck this, fuck that, fuck those in particular.
posted by drlith at 4:37 AM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


You could probably put an entire roast beef in there and somehow it'd be gone two minutes later.

Dishwasher cooking is actually a thing, at least for a few people. I've also seen recipes involving the clothes dryer -- I suppose any household source of heat could be made to work.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:19 AM on January 8, 2015


I once tried to make popcorn by putting unpopped kernels in a pillowcase and putting it in the dryer. It didn't work.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 5:32 AM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


This will be perfect for making my passive-aggressive notes to my housemates! Thanks, Metafilter!
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:07 AM on January 8, 2015


So the table knife thing... I've tried putting knives blade down in the silverware baskets but they just don't get as clean that way, confined in the baskets. But if I put them blade up, they're fine. So on that score I have always disregarded the otherwise sensible advice to put dirty ends/surfaces down toward the big sprayer in the bottom of the tub. /firstworldcrises
posted by aught at 7:09 AM on January 8, 2015


I can say that this did indeed partially cook the potatoes. Looking back on it, they do disgusting things in restaurants.

Yeah, my nephew has been a prep and line cook in various bistro/pub/diner joints for many years now and we don't talk about the details of his work too much since I otherwise enjoy going out to eat.
posted by aught at 7:15 AM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Loading silverware business-end down is OK if you are only washing like three pieces. Handle down makes more sense the more you put in; there's more space above the basket so everything gets sprayed and there's somewhere for any food bits, etc. to go. Stems down, blooms up. Sharp knives, when put in the dishwasher, are a reasonable exception to this; they are often smaller on the pokey end anyway.

Though I haven't lived in a place with a dishwasher for several years. And my current set up with not-quite adequate drainage may be coloring my views.
posted by mountmccabe at 8:14 AM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


I am trying to always teach our 6 year old son tolerance of different people - religions, races, body shapes, politics, you name it - people come in all sorts of ways and we all have to get along and try not to judge when someone is different. I try whenever making a value statement of what we do that may be different from other families or that we don't allow flexibility about, to follow it up with some other people do it X way, so he knows that people have different worldviews even about the things my husband and I consider important.

But he's just old enough now to start putting his own dish in the dishwasher when he's done eating, and I was showing him the right way to put his dish in and I tried really really hard to say "some people just put the dishes in however they fit..." and for once I couldn't even finish the sentence because dammit, those people are wrong.
I'm working on it
posted by Mchelly at 8:14 AM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


but I am willing to accept that maybe those people have a different dishwasher than we do, and that's why it's okay. Breakthrough!
posted by Mchelly at 8:15 AM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


vapidave:
"The diagram for the placement of the silverware in the vertical silverware basket for our Bosch dishwasher was insanely specific. [...] We also ended up divorced.

I blame Germany.
"
YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!!

Our new Bosch dishwasher is THE BEST.
It even has a slim dedicated drawer just for silverware at the top with a separate sprayer at the top of the washer. It's slotted so each piece of silverware rests next to the other without touching. No more silverware piled up in a chaotic disorderly bunch. No more fights over whether or not to put things in handle up or down. No more space taken up by half empty silverware baskets but plenty of room for large pots and pans.

Also it has no front facing controls so it projects a little red light onto the floor so you know it's running. Because it's so quiet you might not be able to tell otherwise.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 10:02 AM on January 8, 2015


I don't know why this Flickr album makes me happy. It's some kind of perfect mix of instruction manuals, industrial design, and picturing engineers whose job is figuring out the optimal loading arrangements. I'll never load a dishwasher like this but it makes me happy.

I also want one of those big industrial machines in the kitchen and I want it to rattle and fog up the windows in the 90 seconds it takes to do its magic. Ideally it'd look and sound like the basement in The 'Burbs and it'd be sitting right next to the dumbwaiter I really want but have absolutely no need or use for.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 10:11 AM on January 8, 2015


The way this was done was running the dishwasher without detergent to clean it out, and then put the potatoes in the dishwasher to clean them.

This is somewhere on the x=y line on the Terrible vs. Brilliant plane. Love it.
posted by Kadin2048 at 11:01 AM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


There's never a good place to put chopsticks. The holes in the cutlery basket are too big and they fall through and if you lay them flat they all bunch up and don't clean properly. What gives? I can also never neatly place my bowls, the larger ones never fit properly in the racks without falling over and the smaller rice bowls have to be put face down, taking up space.

My parents got a bosch and I tried and failed to replicate the diagrams with their dishes. Is there some kind of secret german standard for dishes?
posted by captaincrouton at 11:22 AM on January 8, 2015


I still have flash backs of co-workers staking plates on top of each other in the middle of the rack.

Oh. My. God. I thought my workplace was bad enough with the people who put the plates every which way, often with the dirty sides facing out.
posted by misskaz at 2:27 PM on January 8, 2015


There's never a good place to put chopsticks.

Wash them by hand.
posted by cellphone at 2:42 PM on January 8, 2015


captaincrouton:
"There's never a good place to put chopsticks."
Put them in the third rack :)
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:25 PM on January 8, 2015


Metafilter: That's best, and I am right.
posted by device55 at 4:17 PM on January 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


..barely concealed angry glares, deep breaths and visible rolling of the eyes.

Hairy Lobster, I am the one that cheerfully rearranges the dishes, while Mr. BlueHorse just smiles and shrugs.

Certainly there is no animosity, implied criticism, or resentment here. We have a lovely eclectic collection of assorted plastic and chippedware.


"some people just put the dishes in however they fit..." ...dammit, those people are wrong

You can call me dishist, I don't care. There have to be some standards!


There is only One Way to put in silverware. UP!
There's a circle of hell reserved for people who put it facing down.
Unless your dishwasher won't operate correctly, in which case I pity you, and I will come to your house to set your faulty appliance on fire, no charge.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:31 PM on January 8, 2015


No, no, the spoons go in bowls down. Because my spoons have little pointy ends that stick through the holes in the basket and impede the proper function of my otherwise excellent machine.

And why are all these things optimized for washing a 12 place set of china at once? Who's doing the pots and pans, the slavey?
posted by jrochest at 11:10 PM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Knives - DOWN so you dont grab the sharp end
Forks - UP so the tines dont get bent in the grate
Spoons - UP and DOWN so they dont spoon blocking proper cleaning of their bowls
posted by Illusory contour at 7:52 AM on January 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Oh dear. There's a problem here.

Somebody is WRONG the internet!
posted by BlueHorse at 2:13 PM on January 9, 2015


Is there some kind of secret german standard for dishes?

Of course there is - DIN 44990. ( DIN - Deutsches Institut für Normung)
posted by guy72277 at 3:56 AM on January 12, 2015 [2 favorites]


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