You think your character is cool?

January 8, 2015 10:44 AM

Who The Fuck Is My D&D Character Gonna Be? Click to find out!
posted by The Whelk (79 comments total)

My character is a fucking

discerning Half-elf Cleric from the smallest mountain in the world who was raised by ghosts
posted by The Whelk at 10:45 AM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

Not bad character ideas, but why is there so much cursing surrounding it?
posted by demiurge at 10:49 AM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

Composed half-elf barbarian from a carnival freak show who believes they're a Demi-god, but hasn't figured out who's their father yet. Reminiscent in some ways of Thorbert Magicfizzle from Zisteau.
posted by LN at 10:50 AM on January 8, 2015

sweet Dwarf Cleric from the petrified wood who has serious daddy issues

oh hey that's a good chunk of BioWare's characters there.
posted by The Whelk at 10:52 AM on January 8, 2015 [14 favorites]

IMPATIENT GNOME DRUID FROM A ROYAL LINEAGE WHO IS AFRAID OF HEIGHTS

Whelk's character sounds awesome.
posted by curious nu at 10:52 AM on January 8, 2015

"Brave Gnome Wizard from the grave diggers union who failed out of every guild going."

I ... I've actually played as this.
posted by kyrademon at 10:55 AM on January 8, 2015 [7 favorites]

fussy dragonborn sorcerer from a mercenary company who wants everyone to like them

This... this sounds adorable. Potentially, anyway.
posted by sciatrix at 11:00 AM on January 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

"FLIRTATIOUS DRAGONBORN BARD FROM A HABERDASHERY WHO DESERTED THE ARMY"

Frikkin' awesome
posted by clockzero at 11:02 AM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

I had a DM who made us do this once! Except we had printed-out spreadsheets and d20s, because that's how it was done in the days before everyone used iPads for tabletop. It was a huge success! My paranoid dwarven barbarian with a terrible family curse was among my favorite characters to play.

Apparently my next character will be a pensive dragonborn barbarian from a mid-level cult who is downright racists to living skeletons. I accept!
posted by a hat out of hell at 11:02 AM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

"RESOURCEFUL DWARF RANGER FROM A CARNIVAL FREAK SHOW WHO HAS ANGER PROBLEMS"

COULD I BE ANY MORE TYPECAST?!
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:02 AM on January 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

Dramatic gnome ranger from a boarding school for the children of middle-class wizards who can't silence the voices.

Omg I'm so ready to play this RIGHT NOW
posted by skycrashesdown at 11:03 AM on January 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

I'm a 4' 9" human magic-user who thinks he's an ogre and is the town pushup & pullup champion, but that's just the actual character I rolled up last night for prize bull octorock's crazy thing.
posted by cortex at 11:04 AM on January 8, 2015 [4 favorites]

BIGOTED HUMAN MONK FROM AN UNDERGROUND CITY WHO HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO OPEN THEIR OWN TAVERN

Imagine the hijinx!

CONSCIENTIOUS DWARF BARBARIAN FROM A RUINED CITY WHO FINDS IT IMPOSSIBLE TO SPEAK TO GIRLS

And... together, they fight crime!
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:07 AM on January 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

I'll just leave this here...

My character's name is Rocket; he's a genetically enhanced raccoon with a gun fetish.
posted by Naberius at 11:08 AM on January 8, 2015 [9 favorites]

NOSY HALF-ELF WIZARD FROM AN UNPURE BLOODLINE WHO BELIEVES THEY'RE A DEMI GOD, BUT HASN'T FIGURED OUT WHO'S THEIR FATHER YET

I am pretty sure I read a novel with this guy as the hero. It was sometime back in the 90s.....
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:09 AM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

RELUCTANT HALFLING FIGHTER FROM A RUINED CITY WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF POLITENESS

This... this actually describes me pretty well.
posted by brundlefly at 11:12 AM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

absent minded Elf Warlock from the forest of sadness who hates wearing their glasses

I think this is so moé.
posted by sukeban at 11:13 AM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

DEPRESSED HALF-ELF MONK FROM A HABERDASHERY WHO HAS A HUGE DEBT TO PAY BACK

I'm not depressed! I just feel a little sad sometimes. YOU DON'T KNOW ME!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:14 AM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

inconsiderate Dragonborn Monk from a travelling band who is afraid of sharp edges

Stop, I already have a pairing. Gone off to draw a tsundere dragonborn monk/ meganekkun elf warlock doujin.
posted by sukeban at 11:15 AM on January 8, 2015

I'm a 4' 9" human magic-user who thinks he's an ogre and is the town pushup & pullup champion, but that's just the actual character I rolled up last night for prize bull octorock's crazy thing.

I like how there's only one human in the party, and he's otherkin.
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:15 AM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

RELIABLE ELF SORCERER FROM THE CITY POST OFFICE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR SISTERS DEATH

Doesn't sound that reliable to me.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:15 AM on January 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

It says right in the description that they're responsible.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 11:17 AM on January 8, 2015 [10 favorites]

RELIABLE ELF SORCERER FROM THE CITY POST OFFICE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR SISTERS DEATH

Doesn't sound that reliable to me.

That's what made the sorcerer reliable: she learned what happens when the mail doesn't go through on time.
posted by Area Man at 11:18 AM on January 8, 2015 [9 favorites]

Not bad character ideas, but why is there so much cursing surrounding it?


Because it was made by fukken' Dwarves!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:18 AM on January 8, 2015 [4 favorites]

cynical Dragonborn Bard from a royal lineage who always alliterates their anecdotes

Bonus for roleplaying *that*
posted by sukeban at 11:18 AM on January 8, 2015

..anxious Human Wizard from an unpure bloodline who gets nervous speaking in front of crowds

Obviously awkward in the midst of battle. "No, you guys, I cannot cast a Fireball in front of y'all. I need to go somewhere else."
posted by kariebookish at 11:19 AM on January 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

RELIABLE ELF SORCERER FROM THE CITY POST OFFICE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR SISTERS DEATH

Doesn't sound that reliable to me.

Hey! It's Elric of Mail-nebone!
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:20 AM on January 8, 2015 [10 favorites]

I feel like I've played and/or been in campaigns with a lot of these already.

argumentative Half-elf Barbarian from the royal bank who is downright racist towards living skeletons

That's pure gold, though. That one's going into the bank of future character ideas.
posted by mstokes650 at 11:20 AM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

> "cynical Dragonborn Bard from a royal lineage who always alliterates their anecdotes ... Bonus for roleplaying *that*"

Sounds like one of my brother's characters, honestly. I could tell you stories.

Horrible stories.
posted by kyrademon at 11:21 AM on January 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

FLAMBOYANT HUMAN SORCERER FROM A ORPHANAGE WORKHOUSE WHO ALWAYS WANTED TO LEARN MAGIC BUT STRUGGLED WITH IT


I knew I was probably going to regret not signing up for prize bull octorock's Twitter thing but I figured it would be after the party started at least. This feels like a missed opportunity.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:23 AM on January 8, 2015

cynical Dragonborn Bard from a royal lineage who always alliterates their anecdotes

At first I read that as antidotes.
posted by echocollate at 11:24 AM on January 8, 2015

OMG shows how long I've been out of it. I had no idea what a Tiefling was until I rolled a cool-headed Tiefling Paladin from a carnival freak show who constantly watches their back.
posted by Metro Gnome at 11:24 AM on January 8, 2015

surly Human Fighter from a orphanage workhouse who is writing an autobiography

Well, well.
posted by sukeban at 11:27 AM on January 8, 2015

ABSENT MINDED HALFLING RANGER FROM A SUPER RELIGIOUS UPBRINGING WHO MISTRUSTS ANYONE SMALLER THAN THEM

honk honk nerds
posted by boo_radley at 11:28 AM on January 8, 2015

obnoxious Elf Fighter from a floating city who believes they're a demi god, but hasn't figured out who's their father yet

Best quest ever.
posted by sukeban at 11:29 AM on January 8, 2015

Filthy gnomes...
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:29 AM on January 8, 2015

WELL-INTENTIONED HALF-ORC RANGER FROM A FISHING VILLAGE WHO SUFFERS FROM CLAUSTROPHOBIA

I do suffer from claustrophobia. Ohh, yeah. I don't even have to pretend.

...I need to get some air. Brb, guys.
posted by quiet earth at 11:31 AM on January 8, 2015

"Grouchy Elf Barbarian from the best library in the city who was brought up to be a librarian."

Ah yes, the Irritable Elf Barbarian Librarian.
posted by fings at 11:33 AM on January 8, 2015 [11 favorites]

STOIC HALF-ORC CLERIC FROM THE FOREST OF SADNESS WHO GREW UP IN A GRAVEYARD

Or a

HOT-HEADED HUMAN ROGUE FROM AN ILLUSORY FOREST WHO CAN'T STAND THE SIGHT OF BLOOD

No, this is it:

WARM-HEARTED GNOME MONK FROM THE BASE OF A VOLCANO WHO IS TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE ADVENTURING BUSINESS TO SETTLE DOWN
posted by Mister Moofoo at 11:38 AM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

FRIENDLY ELF BARBARIAN FROM A SUPER RELIGIOUS UPBRINGING WHO CAN'T STAND THE SIGHT OF BLOOD

Of course I get the Bahamut's Witness.
posted by zombieflanders at 11:39 AM on January 8, 2015 [11 favorites]

UNBALANCED ELF BARBARIAN FROM A BUSTLING CITY WHO HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM

...and to her secret shame, it's for dwarven ale.

I'm reminded of the "Vampire Wannabe" from Munchkin; if you fail to defeat him, the Bad Stuff that happens is he tells you all about his character.
posted by Gelatin at 11:39 AM on January 8, 2015 [4 favorites]

motivated Tiefling Ranger from the now dry swamp who is trying to get out of the adventuring business to settle down

I am so playing this next time I find a group. Maybe not ranger. But fuck yeah punch-clock adventurer.
posted by Hactar at 11:40 AM on January 8, 2015

GLOOMY HALF-ELF PALADIN FROM A RUINED CITY WHO HAS A BAD GAMBLING PROBLEM

substitute drinking for gambling and this is pretty much my own true self.
posted by Ber at 11:42 AM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

Yeah, some of these (okay, almost all) would fit right into my current game.

We've got an untrusting human barbarian who is the last of his tribe, an altruistic elf druid with a drinking problem, a cynical human warlock with a fiendish squirrel, a dwarf cleric raised in a library who sold her soul to gain secret knowledge of history, and pragmatic half-elf rogue from the streets.

I'm kind of tempted to roll up a party of rivals to them using this page.
posted by Four Ds at 11:43 AM on January 8, 2015

I'm still a little bitter that our Metafilter Dark Sun campaign ended before I could reveal my character's tragic backstory. (SCARRED MUL FIGHTER FROM THE GLADIATOR PITS SEEKING REVENGE AGAINST THE DEFILER WHO KILLED HIS FAVORITE TREE.)
posted by Iridic at 11:44 AM on January 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

(BITTER HALF-IRISH MEFITE WHO WANTS TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT HIS CHARACTER'S TRAGIC BACKSTORY.)
posted by Iridic at 11:47 AM on January 8, 2015 [9 favorites]

HYPERCRITICAL HALFLING WARLOCK FROM A BUSTLING CITY WHO ALWAYS KEEPS THEIR PROMISES.

Better than you keep your promises, jerk.
posted by ChuraChura at 11:50 AM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

I'm going to keep rolling until I find a character that actually describes me:

conscientious Half-elf Warlock from a theatre company who is writing an autobiography

There.
posted by maxsparber at 12:04 PM on January 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

disruptive Half-orc Fighter from a company of sellswords who studied interior dungeon design

I love the idea of Throg, Scourge of the North, hacking his way through the local evil lair and roaring "PUTTING THE RACK IN THE FRONT OF YOUR TORTURE CHAMBER COMPLETELY BLOCKS THE FLOW OF THE ROOM!".
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 12:11 PM on January 8, 2015 [14 favorites]

This nails it:

Mean Halfling Fighter from a theatre company who can't swim
posted by Joey Michaels at 12:13 PM on January 8, 2015

Why do I get the one on a fad diet:

Hot-headed Tiefling Wizard from an underground network of dragon caves who is a recovering cannibal.
posted by sebastienbailard at 12:13 PM on January 8, 2015

And ... now it's my blurb in my about me on Metafilter.
posted by maxsparber at 12:17 PM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

Disruptive Half-orc Wizard from an unpure bloodline who finds it impossible to speak to girls

Does it still count if it's one of the players from your table, and not one of their characters?
posted by radwolf76 at 12:27 PM on January 8, 2015

CHEERFUL HUMAN RANGER FROM AN UNDERGROUND NETWORKOF DRAGON CAVES WHO SUFFERS FROM NOSEBLEEDS
or
HELPFUL HALF-ELF RANGER FROM A NOCTURNAL TOWN WHO ALWAYS WAKES UP ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE BED
or
POSITIVE GNOME ROGUE FROM A ROYAL LINEAGE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN MAGIC, EVER

Hmm. All my characters belong to Kenneth from 30 Rock.
posted by Existential Dread at 12:28 PM on January 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

Hmm. All my characters belong to Kenneth from 30 Rock.


oh god the image of translating the cast of 30 Rock into a D&D universe just flashed fully formed in my head

(Liz: Yo ad said this job was for a Live Bard!
Jack: The scribe misheard me, I meant "bait.")
posted by The Whelk at 12:33 PM on January 8, 2015 [6 favorites]

OUTSPOKEN HALF-ELF BARD FROM A CARNIVAL FREAK SHOW WHO HAS A BAD GAMBLING PROBLEM here

or

ENTERPRISING DWARF RANGER FROM A BOARDING SCHOOL FOR THE CHILDREN OF MIDDLE-CLASS WIZARDS WHO ALWAYS REFERS TO INANIMATE OBJECTS AS 'SHES'

I'm in love with these characters already
posted by Jalliah at 12:34 PM on January 8, 2015

oh god the image of translating the cast of 30 Rock into a D&D universe just flashed fully formed in my head

Last year a Mefite (edit: it was ursus_comiter) posted about a Call of Cthulhu game with the Scooby Gang as the Investigators. Including Scooby. I would like to see that, and I would like to play that.
posted by Iridic at 12:39 PM on January 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

Mine is "What the fuck! You don't even have JavaScript enabled! This isn't fucking magic! You need to enable it to generate a kickass fucking character backstory..."
posted by Solomon at 12:58 PM on January 8, 2015 [4 favorites]

"Charming half-elf paladin from a maximum security prison who always wanted to open their own tavern."

That sounds more like an OK Cupid dating profile from the world of Eberron than anything else...

Though it does give me a great idea for a D&D campaign: the all-tavern campaign. The PCs play the role of the staff at the most bustling, diverse, craziest interdimensional saloon in Sigil... they have to breakup all manner of bar-room brawls, handle drunken demigods, wend their way through the peril of Undead Lady's Night (50% off for having the right gender or no pulse, 80% off for both)....
posted by LeRoienJaune at 1:40 PM on January 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

I have an outline for a fantasy sitcom based on a tavern owner somewhere....
posted by The Whelk at 1:42 PM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

"Like 'Cheers' but with mages."
posted by The Whelk at 1:42 PM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

"How's the world treatin' ya, Mr. Vecna?"
posted by cortex at 1:43 PM on January 8, 2015 [7 favorites]

My character is a fucking delightful Half-orc Warlock from the city sewers who always keeps their promises

Actually my character is a huge asshole of a Human Fighter who is not delightful at all except maybe that one time she almost got killed by a school of fish
posted by capricorn at 1:44 PM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

CYNICAL HALFLING RANGER FROM AN UNCHARTABLE ISLAND WHO SAW THEIR WHOLE FAMILY CONSUMED BY A GELATINOUS CUBE

So basically a Middle-Earth Batman?
posted by blue_beetle at 2:11 PM on January 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

The Owlbearman
posted by The Whelk at 2:13 PM on January 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

UNBALANCED HALF-ORC BARBARIAN FROM THE GRAVE DIGGERS UNION WHO DISTRUSTS ALL AUTHORITY

"Oh, Ruthor knows, Ruthor knows. Listen to me, Sonny-Jim, them mages are in league with the mind flayers in order to over educate our kids. Serve them up nice with rice, nice with rice. That's what's wrong with the Common Core. I knows it and you know it's true. Now if you'll just release that ring, we'll get back to burying you."
posted by robocop is bleeding at 2:28 PM on January 8, 2015 [4 favorites]

No wonder he distrusts authority once he learned that the right thing changes from state to state....
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:41 PM on January 8, 2015

HOT-HEADED DWARF WARLOCK FROM A CAVERN WITHOUT ECHOES WHO HATES MUSIC

Lighten up, Francis.
posted by ApathyGirl at 2:51 PM on January 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

None of this makes any fucking sense.
posted by ursus_comiter at 4:32 PM on January 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

"How's the world treatin' ya, Mr. Vecna?"

"Not so bad, but I could use a hand with this beer."
posted by benzenedream at 5:52 PM on January 8, 2015 [11 favorites]

charming Elf Wizard from a floating city who is afraid of heights

He spends a lot of time face-down, clutching at the ground like a terrified cat.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 6:15 PM on January 8, 2015 [5 favorites]

FUSSY DWARF WARLOCK FROM A HABERDASHERY WHO GREW UP FAT

I lol'd
posted by mrbigmuscles at 8:25 PM on January 8, 2015

How the f''k did they know?
"Apathetic Elf Bard from a maximum security prison who can't silence the voices".

And are skeletons a race?
posted by boilermonster at 11:34 PM on January 8, 2015

...that's how it was done in the days before everyone used iPads for tabletop. This ...this is a thing? OMG.

Well, there goes the weekend, my weekly AskMe, and probably a significant amount of money.
posted by digitalprimate at 2:15 AM on January 9, 2015

This one is great. And it made me remember two I made that need updating:

In This RPG...

Check Out My New Boardgame!
posted by Legomancer at 5:32 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

"How's the world treatin' ya, Mr. Vecna?"

All right, but remember I got my eye on you.
posted by Gelatin at 6:00 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

OUTSPOKEN GNOME ROGUE FROM THE PIRATE INFESTED ISLES OF WOE WHO ALWAYS REFERS TO INANIMATE OBJECTS AS 'SHES'

Nailed it.
posted by quin at 7:56 AM on January 9, 2015

Check Out My New Boardgame!

Return of Normandy

This is a luck-filled miniatures game that is perfect for non-gamers in which the players are prehistoric bootleggers who are trying to write poems about the Moon in order to win the most Uranium deposits.

I think I played this one! I lost my first game badly because I went for Mutation Event cards instead of growing my Couplet economy. Then I lost the second game badly because I focused on my economy instead of grabbing Event cards. Then I sulked on the couch for three hours because no one else wanted to switch to Quoridor.
posted by Iridic at 8:29 AM on January 9, 2015

In this RPG:
The PCs are monochromatic DJs in love who, with lots of innuendo, fight the personification of Death for information in bed.

It's called Dead Beats.
posted by chaosys at 10:15 AM on January 9, 2015