I realise that the Hogwarts Express does not actually stop at Pottertown
January 9, 2015 7:18 AM Subscribe
Recently, Buzzfeed writer Daniel Dalton belatedly sat down to watch the Harry Potter movie series.
Apparently some people watch the movies before reading the books (?).
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Apparently some people watch the movies before reading the books (?).
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
I'm halfway through the first review and I've genuinely laughed approximately 5 times. I wish I could say the same about any of the films.
posted by Optamystic at 7:25 AM on January 9, 2015
posted by Optamystic at 7:25 AM on January 9, 2015
Apparently some people watch the movies before reading the books (?).
My mother tried to read book 1, never got anywhere. She liked the movies very much, though I had to fill in all the missing plot.
posted by jeather at 7:27 AM on January 9, 2015
My mother tried to read book 1, never got anywhere. She liked the movies very much, though I had to fill in all the missing plot.
posted by jeather at 7:27 AM on January 9, 2015
"Hermione is the best character, by the way."
Got that right, at least!
posted by xingcat at 7:31 AM on January 9, 2015
Got that right, at least!
posted by xingcat at 7:31 AM on January 9, 2015
I am obligated to mentioned Wizard People, Dear Reader here.
posted by Drastic at 7:34 AM on January 9, 2015 [30 favorites]
posted by Drastic at 7:34 AM on January 9, 2015 [30 favorites]
So these "reviews" are brief, mildly facetious plot summaries, padded out with a still after every sentence?
If you were barely literate and didn't want to watch the films, but still somehow interested, I imagine these might be very useful.
posted by Segundus at 7:39 AM on January 9, 2015 [11 favorites]
If you were barely literate and didn't want to watch the films, but still somehow interested, I imagine these might be very useful.
posted by Segundus at 7:39 AM on January 9, 2015 [11 favorites]
Snark ≠ review
posted by jayb3369 at 7:42 AM on January 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by jayb3369 at 7:42 AM on January 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
I just remember crawling around in my chair a lot during the first one because there were so many reaction shots of "wonderment".
posted by bonobothegreat at 7:44 AM on January 9, 2015
posted by bonobothegreat at 7:44 AM on January 9, 2015
Where does anyone say this is a review? It's a summary of his live-tweeting watching the entire series for the first time and is mildly amusing. I actually think it's an interesting window into plot points you miss if you haven't read the books, such as this little bit of confusion for instance:
Why they didn’t just keep him and raise him themselves in relative safety of Hogwarts and the several hundred wizards who reside there, instead condemning him to years of ridicule and abuse at the hands of his relatives, is anyone’s guess.
posted by edbles at 7:47 AM on January 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
Why they didn’t just keep him and raise him themselves in relative safety of Hogwarts and the several hundred wizards who reside there, instead condemning him to years of ridicule and abuse at the hands of his relatives, is anyone’s guess.
posted by edbles at 7:47 AM on January 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
(If you ever get the chance I recommend watching Prisoner And Goblet Over Christmas in a literal castle. It really adds to the atmosphere.)
posted by The Whelk at 7:50 AM on January 9, 2015
posted by The Whelk at 7:50 AM on January 9, 2015
Why they didn’t just keep him and raise him themselves in relative safety of Hogwarts and the several hundred wizards who reside there, instead condemning him to years of ridicule and abuse at the hands of his relatives, is anyone’s guess.
To be fair, the books pretty much fell down on this point, too, in my opinion. If Rowling had avoided this particular pitfall, the series could have been shortened by 300-400 unnecessary pages.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:53 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
To be fair, the books pretty much fell down on this point, too, in my opinion. If Rowling had avoided this particular pitfall, the series could have been shortened by 300-400 unnecessary pages.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:53 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's because Petunia Dursley's blood, by way of being his mother's sister, protected him better than anything else could. As long as he lived in her home, he was safe. DUH, GUYS.
posted by something something at 7:55 AM on January 9, 2015 [43 favorites]
posted by something something at 7:55 AM on January 9, 2015 [43 favorites]
To be fair, the books pretty much fell down on this point, too, in my opinion.
I just started re-reading the books, so it's really fresh in my mind, I think it's explained well enough. Plus, having him be introduced to magic at the start of the books lets the reader absorb it through Harry's experience, not just dry descriptions that don't advance the story at all.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 7:57 AM on January 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
I just started re-reading the books, so it's really fresh in my mind, I think it's explained well enough. Plus, having him be introduced to magic at the start of the books lets the reader absorb it through Harry's experience, not just dry descriptions that don't advance the story at all.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 7:57 AM on January 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
A wizard did it.
SPOILERS
something something has it, though this seems like a bit of a retroactive explanation introduced around book 4 or so? The last couple of books play with this a little. Also the degree to which Petunia is aware of wizard business gets ramped up a little as the books go on, which feels a little retconish though maybe it's just vague at the start.
posted by Artw at 8:04 AM on January 9, 2015
SPOILERS
something something has it, though this seems like a bit of a retroactive explanation introduced around book 4 or so? The last couple of books play with this a little. Also the degree to which Petunia is aware of wizard business gets ramped up a little as the books go on, which feels a little retconish though maybe it's just vague at the start.
posted by Artw at 8:04 AM on January 9, 2015
Also, and this probably goes without saying, a lot of stuff that is inexplicable in the movies is covered in the books, if only by Dumbledore or Hermonie rattling off an arbitrary set of magic rules that cover it.
posted by Artw at 8:09 AM on January 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Artw at 8:09 AM on January 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Apparently some people watch the movies before reading the books (?).
I didn't want to watch the first movie before I'd read the book and then I didn't want to watch subsequent movies before I'd seen the first ones so now I'm seven books and eight movies behind in my media consumption. I should probably just admit that I'll never actually read the books and watch the damn movies.
posted by octothorpe at 8:10 AM on January 9, 2015
I didn't want to watch the first movie before I'd read the book and then I didn't want to watch subsequent movies before I'd seen the first ones so now I'm seven books and eight movies behind in my media consumption. I should probably just admit that I'll never actually read the books and watch the damn movies.
posted by octothorpe at 8:10 AM on January 9, 2015
Some of the repeated jokes are getting old but not the slow snape ones, lol.
posted by royalsong at 8:23 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by royalsong at 8:23 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Why they didn’t just keep him and raise him themselves in relative safety of Hogwarts and the several hundred wizards who reside there...
...and have him grow up constantly idolized, pampered, entitled, and spoiled? How likely is that individual to be able to sacrifice themselves at the end, out of love for their friends? Really, it's as if you've never read the books far too many times.
posted by GhostintheMachine at 8:32 AM on January 9, 2015 [11 favorites]
...and have him grow up constantly idolized, pampered, entitled, and spoiled? How likely is that individual to be able to sacrifice themselves at the end, out of love for their friends? Really, it's as if you've never read the books far too many times.
posted by GhostintheMachine at 8:32 AM on January 9, 2015 [11 favorites]
It's because Petunia Dursley's blood, by way of being his mother's sister, protected him better than anything else could. As long as he lived in her home, he was safe. DUH, GUYS.
posted by something something
Or because Dumbledore is a machiavellian jerk and wanted an abused child who would be so grateful for the sanctuary of Hogwarts he'd be pliable and easily manipulated (as well as willing to die at the hands of a domestic terrorist) thus cementing Dumbledore's unchallenged position at the top of wizard society, a society he seems happy to leave stagnant despite his ostensible sympathy for muggles and oppressed magical creatures and his powerful positions as the headmaster of the only school in the country, the leader of the judicial and legislative branches of government, and a high official at the wizard UN.
(I don't actually think that's a fair characterization but it is at least plausible. Dumbles can be hella shady at times.)
posted by Wretch729 at 8:32 AM on January 9, 2015 [32 favorites]
posted by something something
Or because Dumbledore is a machiavellian jerk and wanted an abused child who would be so grateful for the sanctuary of Hogwarts he'd be pliable and easily manipulated (as well as willing to die at the hands of a domestic terrorist) thus cementing Dumbledore's unchallenged position at the top of wizard society, a society he seems happy to leave stagnant despite his ostensible sympathy for muggles and oppressed magical creatures and his powerful positions as the headmaster of the only school in the country, the leader of the judicial and legislative branches of government, and a high official at the wizard UN.
(I don't actually think that's a fair characterization but it is at least plausible. Dumbles can be hella shady at times.)
posted by Wretch729 at 8:32 AM on January 9, 2015 [32 favorites]
Couldn't get past the first one. I learned two things, though: 1) The author really likes the term "throwing shade". 2) There was far too much sexual objectification of (early) teens for my liking.
I'm not really sure that entertainment aimed at children needs this snarky treatment, but whatever people like to read I guess...
posted by DrLickies at 8:35 AM on January 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm not really sure that entertainment aimed at children needs this snarky treatment, but whatever people like to read I guess...
posted by DrLickies at 8:35 AM on January 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Dumbledore is a machiavellian jerk
Evil Dumbledore is best Dumbledore.
posted by asperity at 8:45 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Evil Dumbledore is best Dumbledore.
posted by asperity at 8:45 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
I might make it a point to wear stripes on Wednesday, though.
posted by royalsong at 8:56 AM on January 9, 2015
posted by royalsong at 8:56 AM on January 9, 2015
Don't tell Harry
posted by wabbittwax at 9:02 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by wabbittwax at 9:02 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh man Dumbledore was totally a Machiavellian army general. I don't think he's evil or a jerk or whatever, but good intentions do not absolve one of responsibility for consequences. It was a conscious and brutal decision to not interfere at all with the Dursleys when Harry was being abused, and to manipulate Harry the way he does throughout all the books ("Oh look I accidentally gave you the info you needed to go face Voldemort's servant at the age of 11 and then left the school hee hee"). He might have genuinely loved Harry, but that doesn't change that he was more than willing to sacrifice him for the good of the wizarding world.
(And I can't really blame him for that calculus. Still cold as ice though.)
posted by Phire at 9:08 AM on January 9, 2015 [11 favorites]
(And I can't really blame him for that calculus. Still cold as ice though.)
posted by Phire at 9:08 AM on January 9, 2015 [11 favorites]
"Hermione is the best character, by the way."
While I don't dismiss her awesomeness, the most interesting character in all the films is the Wizard in the Leaky Cauldron. Science and wandless magic! And played by Ian Fucking Brown, too!
Did We Overlook The Most Important Wizard In Harry Potter?
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:22 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
While I don't dismiss her awesomeness, the most interesting character in all the films is the Wizard in the Leaky Cauldron. Science and wandless magic! And played by Ian Fucking Brown, too!
Did We Overlook The Most Important Wizard In Harry Potter?
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:22 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
i was annoyed at the jokiness of the first one, but that's because I associate joking about a movie as hating it. But as the articles go on they improve, the author reveals actual thoughts and opinions.. although some of the jokiness remains.
posted by royalsong at 9:29 AM on January 9, 2015
posted by royalsong at 9:29 AM on January 9, 2015
I'm going to try and keep this short because I have work to do and am also aware that I have perhaps more OPINIONS about Harry Potter than might be appropriate but I totally agree with your take Phire. There's a mugglenet.com essay out there somewhere that I can't find at the moment that actually posited that Dumbledore's feelings for the boy were in some ways worse than his manipulations, because they caused him to revise his plans more times that was really wise, and to delay and divert his effort into a sidequest for the Deathly Hallows all in an effort to somehow avoid Harry having to die, thus prolonging the conflict and putting the rest of the wizarding world in jeopardy (not to mention indirectly costing Dumbledore his own life) all for a plan that falls apart and is only saved in the end by pure luck and Harry's own tenacity.
posted by Wretch729 at 9:31 AM on January 9, 2015
posted by Wretch729 at 9:31 AM on January 9, 2015
I also did not watch the movies when they came out, and ended up both reading the books and watching the films many years later as a full-blown adult. I did not feel the need to go online and harangue you about the experience.
You are welcome.
posted by Naberius at 9:34 AM on January 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
You are welcome.
posted by Naberius at 9:34 AM on January 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Snark ≠ review
posted by jayb3369 at 10:42 AM on January 9 [4 favorites +] [!]
uhhhhbitchpppleeze.
posted by emelenjr at 9:34 AM on January 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by jayb3369 at 10:42 AM on January 9 [4 favorites +] [!]
uhhhhbitchpppleeze.
posted by emelenjr at 9:34 AM on January 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Snark will always be given on Metafilter to those who are asking for it."posted by blue_beetle at 9:40 AM on January 9, 2015 [19 favorites]
- Dumbledore
The most interesting thing in all of this was watching the narrative evolve from a guy taking the piss out of every little thing to someone who genuinely enjoyed the movies and was excited about seeing them. I never thought about what a miracle it was that all of the movies were good. Some were better than others, but none were disasters. I can't think of any series with such consistency over so many years.
Also, will Dobby's death ever stop making tears shoot out of my eyes as if they were fired from cannons? Seriously, just the image of the headstone wrecks me.
posted by eisbaer at 9:43 AM on January 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
Also, will Dobby's death ever stop making tears shoot out of my eyes as if they were fired from cannons? Seriously, just the image of the headstone wrecks me.
posted by eisbaer at 9:43 AM on January 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
[this is good] Siriusly. lol
posted by billiebee at 9:49 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by billiebee at 9:49 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Some of the repeated jokes are getting old but not the slow snape ones, lol.
It probably shows how juvenile I am, but I'm anticipating the setup of ever "Why So Sirius?" at this point and still giggling at them.
posted by nubs at 9:56 AM on January 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
It probably shows how juvenile I am, but I'm anticipating the setup of ever "Why So Sirius?" at this point and still giggling at them.
posted by nubs at 9:56 AM on January 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
It's a summary of his live-tweeting watching the entire series for the first time and is mildly amusing.
Attempting to generate interesting content via Twitter is a lot like giving a speech from the audience at a loud concert.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 10:02 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Attempting to generate interesting content via Twitter is a lot like giving a speech from the audience at a loud concert.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 10:02 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Related to absolutely nothing, when Deathly Hallows came out , my self, my wife(then girlfriend), and a very good friend of ours went to see the midnight showing.
We're watching the movie, getting towards the end, both of us knowing what is coming in regards to Dobby.
Immediate after his death a woman a few rows down from us starts suddenly SOBBING. Because I a) am a horrible person and b)use humor to get through sadness turned to my friend and whispered "someone didn't read the book".
I believe she was already on the verge of tears, but this caused her to go into lockdown and start silently laughing. I'm reasonably sure we didn't disturb anyone else in the theater(I'd have felt horrible if we had) but the small remaining time of the movie was spent by the two of us trying not to laugh and ESPECIALLY trying not to look at each other because we knew that would result in full protonic reversal.
So we spent the last 15 minutes or so tensed up. Once we left we the theater we practically ended up rolling on the floor.
I know I'm going to the special hell for talking at the theater, but I think it was worth it for the almost giggle fit.
posted by Twain Device at 10:04 AM on January 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
We're watching the movie, getting towards the end, both of us knowing what is coming in regards to Dobby.
Immediate after his death a woman a few rows down from us starts suddenly SOBBING. Because I a) am a horrible person and b)use humor to get through sadness turned to my friend and whispered "someone didn't read the book".
I believe she was already on the verge of tears, but this caused her to go into lockdown and start silently laughing. I'm reasonably sure we didn't disturb anyone else in the theater(I'd have felt horrible if we had) but the small remaining time of the movie was spent by the two of us trying not to laugh and ESPECIALLY trying not to look at each other because we knew that would result in full protonic reversal.
So we spent the last 15 minutes or so tensed up. Once we left we the theater we practically ended up rolling on the floor.
I know I'm going to the special hell for talking at the theater, but I think it was worth it for the almost giggle fit.
posted by Twain Device at 10:04 AM on January 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
Ah, a happy ending: he does end up liking it. A magical transformation, dear reader.
Watching these movies, not quite like cooking through a whole Julia Child Cookbook, perhaps, but hey.
posted by Namlit at 10:06 AM on January 9, 2015
Watching these movies, not quite like cooking through a whole Julia Child Cookbook, perhaps, but hey.
posted by Namlit at 10:06 AM on January 9, 2015
will Dobby's death ever stop making tears shoot out of my eyes as if they were fired from cannons?
It's OK. That death was faked. He just needed a plausible excuse for ditching Hogwarts when he got a gig running Russia.
posted by flabdablet at 10:43 AM on January 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
It's OK. That death was faked. He just needed a plausible excuse for ditching Hogwarts when he got a gig running Russia.
posted by flabdablet at 10:43 AM on January 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
Oliver Wood is really hot, though.
(also, played by Sean Biggerstaff. *snicker*)
posted by ChuraChura at 10:50 AM on January 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
(also, played by Sean Biggerstaff. *snicker*)
posted by ChuraChura at 10:50 AM on January 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's not much of a transformation. He talks about how much he enjoyed the first movie at the end of its post. Anybody who is an adult and loves the first two movies without admitting there are lots of doofy parts is lying or has on some seriously thick nostalgia goggles. It was nice to read his emotional reactions to all the important beats as the films went on, though. I always get worked up about how poorly served Ron and Ginny are in the movies and forget how well a lot of the rest of it comes through to people who only know HP from pop culture osmosis.
Anyway, reading these was a nice distraction from an otherwise horrendous morning. You know how when you find out a friend hasn't seen a movie or tv show you love, and you say "oh man I have the dvds let's do this thing!" but when you sit down to watch it with them, they're like, looking at their phone, and going to the bathroom during important moments, and not paying attention during the best bits, and don't care about the right characters? And you just want to yell at them that they're watching it wrong, and regret not going home and leaving them to watch the thing by themselves? Well this was the opposite of that because he noticed the best bits and cared about the right characters and I didn't have to sit on the couch next to him during it all.
posted by Mizu at 11:03 AM on January 9, 2015 [13 favorites]
Anyway, reading these was a nice distraction from an otherwise horrendous morning. You know how when you find out a friend hasn't seen a movie or tv show you love, and you say "oh man I have the dvds let's do this thing!" but when you sit down to watch it with them, they're like, looking at their phone, and going to the bathroom during important moments, and not paying attention during the best bits, and don't care about the right characters? And you just want to yell at them that they're watching it wrong, and regret not going home and leaving them to watch the thing by themselves? Well this was the opposite of that because he noticed the best bits and cared about the right characters and I didn't have to sit on the couch next to him during it all.
posted by Mizu at 11:03 AM on January 9, 2015 [13 favorites]
Make a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a while. Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life. – Hermione
AH ha ha. Way to turn a smelly old adage to advantage.
ChuraChura: Oliver Wood is really hot, though.
And that has been left unsaid -far- too lo ooong.
posted by Twang at 12:47 PM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
AH ha ha. Way to turn a smelly old adage to advantage.
ChuraChura: Oliver Wood is really hot, though.
And that has been left unsaid -far- too lo ooong.
posted by Twang at 12:47 PM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Wow, the set a man on fire quote has been one of my favorites for many years now, and I never knew that the attribution goes to Hermione...
posted by I-Write-Essays at 3:09 PM on January 9, 2015
posted by I-Write-Essays at 3:09 PM on January 9, 2015
Evil Dumbledore is best Dumbledore.
oh my god. I don't have time for this and metafilter. Thanks! I'll be back eventually!
posted by the agents of KAOS at 4:28 PM on January 9, 2015
oh my god. I don't have time for this and metafilter. Thanks! I'll be back eventually!
posted by the agents of KAOS at 4:28 PM on January 9, 2015
Wow, the set a man on fire quote has been one of my favorites for many years now, and I never knew that the attribution goes to Hermione...
A possible reason that you never knew that is because it doesn't.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:08 PM on January 9, 2015
A possible reason that you never knew that is because it doesn't.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:08 PM on January 9, 2015
Anyone who's down with evil Dumbledore needs to go check out Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:45 PM on January 9, 2015
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:45 PM on January 9, 2015
Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality
Thanks for that! Even though Yudkowski has even more trouble letting go of his grandiosity than does his fictional avatar, he's much less irritating when he's not rabbiting on about the Singularity. 8/10, still enjoying, anticipate continuing to do so.
posted by flabdablet at 8:26 AM on January 10, 2015
Thanks for that! Even though Yudkowski has even more trouble letting go of his grandiosity than does his fictional avatar, he's much less irritating when he's not rabbiting on about the Singularity. 8/10, still enjoying, anticipate continuing to do so.
posted by flabdablet at 8:26 AM on January 10, 2015
If Hermione Were The Main Character In “Harry Potter”
posted by Artw at 8:29 AM on January 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Artw at 8:29 AM on January 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Artw I really didn't want to like that linkbaity only-used-the-films-as-a-reference Buzzfeed piece but I was sniggering by the end. Bwahahaha.
“I’ll take pride in setting you the fuck on fire again, how about that?”
posted by Wretch729 at 9:23 AM on January 16, 2015
“I’ll take pride in setting you the fuck on fire again, how about that?”
posted by Wretch729 at 9:23 AM on January 16, 2015
« Older Do what it says. | Millions, trillions, and... Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
The "reviews", not the movies. The movies are awesome.
posted by Eyebeams at 7:23 AM on January 9, 2015 [1 favorite]