#BossWitch
January 16, 2015 12:41 PM Subscribe
Hermione Granger and the Goddamn Patriarchy. (slBuzzfeed)
This is why I can't hate on Buzzfeed.
posted by Ruki at 12:53 PM on January 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Ruki at 12:53 PM on January 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
The theme music is Taylor Swift. Because why the fuck not.
posted by Phire at 12:58 PM on January 16, 2015
posted by Phire at 12:58 PM on January 16, 2015
Related Buzzfeed piece that didn't need to bend over backwards to reconstruct the narrative in a feminist manner.
(ALSO OMG HERMIONE'S MOM IS CATELYN STARK!)
posted by Sara C. at 12:59 PM on January 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
(ALSO OMG HERMIONE'S MOM IS CATELYN STARK!)
posted by Sara C. at 12:59 PM on January 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
That was brilliant, and I don't even like Harry Potter stuff.
posted by languagehat at 12:59 PM on January 16, 2015
posted by languagehat at 12:59 PM on January 16, 2015
The kind of witch who would say she only had wizard friends.
I am dying!
posted by Iteki at 1:00 PM on January 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
I am dying!
posted by Iteki at 1:00 PM on January 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
This is terrible. The Patriarchy is now a secret society with tattoos? And doxxing means what now?
Those images sure take up a lot of page space though.
posted by squinty at 1:01 PM on January 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
Those images sure take up a lot of page space though.
posted by squinty at 1:01 PM on January 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
"Without Hermione, The Boy Who Lived would be dead as shit."
Ain't that the truth!
I loved this.
posted by jillithd at 1:01 PM on January 16, 2015 [14 favorites]
Ain't that the truth!
I loved this.
posted by jillithd at 1:01 PM on January 16, 2015 [14 favorites]
ALSO OMG HERMIONE'S MOM IS CATELYN STARK!
Yeah, clearly sending her to Australia was the right decision there, what if she'd kidnapped nagini and started a huge war.
posted by poffin boffin at 1:08 PM on January 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yeah, clearly sending her to Australia was the right decision there, what if she'd kidnapped nagini and started a huge war.
posted by poffin boffin at 1:08 PM on January 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
I said to someone earlier that I couldn't finish reading this because I wanted the movie described so badly. I have powered through though and I still want the movie described quite badly.
The Girl Who Gave Literally Zero Fucks, indeed.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:11 PM on January 16, 2015 [10 favorites]
The Girl Who Gave Literally Zero Fucks, indeed.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:11 PM on January 16, 2015 [10 favorites]
This is good, but I prefer Sady Doyle's take on Hermione as lead character from 2011.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 1:11 PM on January 16, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by everybody had matching towels at 1:11 PM on January 16, 2015 [14 favorites]
She wondered if in an alternate universe, there was a Hogwarts School full of children who didn’t have to worry about The Patriarchy.
Beauxbatons?
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:13 PM on January 16, 2015 [8 favorites]
Beauxbatons?
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:13 PM on January 16, 2015 [8 favorites]
Well, if this is what we're doing, I'm very much looking forward to the one about Neville Longbottom.
posted by Poppa Bear at 1:19 PM on January 16, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by Poppa Bear at 1:19 PM on January 16, 2015 [7 favorites]
"Without Hermione, The Boy Who Lived would be dead as shit."
The entire time I read this series/watched the films, I was thinking that Hermoine would have been the better choices for hero/chosen one.
I often think it would have been more interesting to see through the eyes of someone who was simply around Harry, if only her POV was privileged, it would have been far more engaging and made for a better story.
posted by Fizz at 1:23 PM on January 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
The entire time I read this series/watched the films, I was thinking that Hermoine would have been the better choices for hero/chosen one.
I often think it would have been more interesting to see through the eyes of someone who was simply around Harry, if only her POV was privileged, it would have been far more engaging and made for a better story.
posted by Fizz at 1:23 PM on January 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hermione "throwing shade" just made me imagine Dorian Corey as a professor at Hogwarts and carapulted me into an alternate universe with legendary magical drag houses, "crystal balls" and voguing patronuses and I am so in love with that idea right now.
CATEGORY IS...
posted by louche mustachio at 1:33 PM on January 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
CATEGORY IS...
posted by louche mustachio at 1:33 PM on January 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
It's very simple:
Harry = Inspector Gadget
Hermione = Penny
Ron = Brain
posted by Foosnark at 1:57 PM on January 16, 2015 [35 favorites]
Harry = Inspector Gadget
Hermione = Penny
Ron = Brain
posted by Foosnark at 1:57 PM on January 16, 2015 [35 favorites]
ALSO OMG HERMIONE'S MOM IS CATELYN STARK!
And Filch killed her
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:11 PM on January 16, 2015 [9 favorites]
And Filch killed her
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:11 PM on January 16, 2015 [9 favorites]
So that would make Voldemort "Next time, Potter, next time" "HISSSSSSSS!" MAD / Dr. Claw, and Dumbledore "Why do I put up with him????" the Chief?
Works for me!
posted by tigrrrlily at 2:12 PM on January 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
Works for me!
posted by tigrrrlily at 2:12 PM on January 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
The entire time I read this series/watched the films, I was thinking that Hermoine would have been the better choices for hero/chosen one.
I think that's true of every great story -- the sidekicks and villains are more interesting than the hero, because the hero must be, at least in part, a blank character for the reader to project themselves into.
For example, Han Solo, Princess Leia and Obi-Wan aren't the heroes of that story, but they're the ones you remember. Similarly, Darth Vader himself starts the film as the henchman of a villain that most people can't even name.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:13 PM on January 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
I think that's true of every great story -- the sidekicks and villains are more interesting than the hero, because the hero must be, at least in part, a blank character for the reader to project themselves into.
For example, Han Solo, Princess Leia and Obi-Wan aren't the heroes of that story, but they're the ones you remember. Similarly, Darth Vader himself starts the film as the henchman of a villain that most people can't even name.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:13 PM on January 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
This is a triumph.
Oh my god does the Ron briefly falling to the misandry dark side fit so so well.
posted by MetropolisOfMentalLife at 2:17 PM on January 16, 2015 [7 favorites]
Oh my god does the Ron briefly falling to the misandry dark side fit so so well.
posted by MetropolisOfMentalLife at 2:17 PM on January 16, 2015 [7 favorites]
I think that's true of every great story -- the sidekicks and villains are more interesting than the hero, because the hero must be, at least in part, a blank character for the reader to project themselves into.
This is why everyone got all mad in Book 5 when Harry developed opinions and feelings and whiny-ness.
Also ALL OF THE BELLATRIX LESTRANGE STUFF IN THAT BUZZFEED POST IS AMAZING.
posted by edbles at 2:19 PM on January 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is why everyone got all mad in Book 5 when Harry developed opinions and feelings and whiny-ness.
Also ALL OF THE BELLATRIX LESTRANGE STUFF IN THAT BUZZFEED POST IS AMAZING.
posted by edbles at 2:19 PM on January 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Not all wizards though, right Hermione?" "Yes all wizards."
I love it.
posted by corb at 2:20 PM on January 16, 2015 [4 favorites]
I love it.
posted by corb at 2:20 PM on January 16, 2015 [4 favorites]
I found this funny. I loved this. I dubbed it "longform" BuzzFeed journalism on my FB.
Does anyone know of other stuff on BuzzFeed that's similarly long and involved, or vaguely narrative, or rewriting of movies or novels?
It really floats my boat.
"Leave teenagers to deal with it all"
posted by niphates at 2:35 PM on January 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
Does anyone know of other stuff on BuzzFeed that's similarly long and involved, or vaguely narrative, or rewriting of movies or novels?
It really floats my boat.
"Leave teenagers to deal with it all"
posted by niphates at 2:35 PM on January 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
Can we(Buzzfeed) do this with Princess Leia and the Star Wars Universe, please!!?!
posted by Fizz at 3:12 PM on January 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Fizz at 3:12 PM on January 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
So that would make Voldemort "Next time, Potter, next time" "HISSSSSSSS!" MAD / Dr. Claw, and Dumbledore "Why do I put up with him????" the Chief?
Harry gets his orders via self-destructing owls.
Also, now that I'm thinking of it...
Wang Chi = Penny
Jack Burton = Inspector Gadget
posted by brundlefly at 3:58 PM on January 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
Harry gets his orders via self-destructing owls.
Also, now that I'm thinking of it...
Wang Chi = Penny
Jack Burton = Inspector Gadget
posted by brundlefly at 3:58 PM on January 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
Thanks to Sara C I have just discovered that Agent Carter is online for free right now.
Also, I'm just finishing Season 1 of The Wire and it's funny and great to see "Bubbles" in Agent Carter's first episode.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:09 PM on January 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, I'm just finishing Season 1 of The Wire and it's funny and great to see "Bubbles" in Agent Carter's first episode.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:09 PM on January 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
A lot of this is just repurposed from his "Watching Harry Potter for the first time" series, previously on Metafilter.
posted by themanwho at 4:11 PM on January 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by themanwho at 4:11 PM on January 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hermione Granger and That Time I Was the Only One Who Read the Textbook
Hermione Granger and the Book That Would Only Have Been 60 Pages Long if Anyone Had Paid Attention to Me
Hermione Granger and That Time I Was a Goddamned Time Lord
Hermione Granger and That Time I Locked an Asshole in a Jar for Disrespecting Me and Stood Up for the Plights of Enslaved Creatures and Did a Bunch of Other Stuff Too but All Anyone Ever Remembers is How Hot I Am
posted by phunniemee at 4:43 PM on January 16, 2015 [61 favorites]
Hermione Granger and the Book That Would Only Have Been 60 Pages Long if Anyone Had Paid Attention to Me
Hermione Granger and That Time I Was a Goddamned Time Lord
Hermione Granger and That Time I Locked an Asshole in a Jar for Disrespecting Me and Stood Up for the Plights of Enslaved Creatures and Did a Bunch of Other Stuff Too but All Anyone Ever Remembers is How Hot I Am
posted by phunniemee at 4:43 PM on January 16, 2015 [61 favorites]
All in all, I think this was pretty great.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 4:46 PM on January 16, 2015
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 4:46 PM on January 16, 2015
The one issue I've always had with the Time Turner thing is
HOLD ON A SECOND I JUST READ LIKE 400 PAGES OF A BOOK AND YOU NEVER GOT AROUND TO MENTIONING HERMIONE HAS BEEN TIME TRAVELING THE ENTIRE TIME???????????????
posted by Sara C. at 4:47 PM on January 16, 2015
HOLD ON A SECOND I JUST READ LIKE 400 PAGES OF A BOOK AND YOU NEVER GOT AROUND TO MENTIONING HERMIONE HAS BEEN TIME TRAVELING THE ENTIRE TIME???????????????
posted by Sara C. at 4:47 PM on January 16, 2015
Win.
posted by chaoticgood at 4:49 PM on January 16, 2015
posted by chaoticgood at 4:49 PM on January 16, 2015
Sara C.: "NEVER GOT AROUND TO MENTIONING HERMIONE HAS BEEN TIME TRAVELING THE ENTIRE TIME"
There is lots of projection that she isn't experiencing time at the same linear rate as everyone else.
posted by Mitheral at 4:54 PM on January 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
There is lots of projection that she isn't experiencing time at the same linear rate as everyone else.
posted by Mitheral at 4:54 PM on January 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
But I don't remember anything about this at all in the actual text.
Like who writes an entire novel about whatever the fuck Harry was up to in that book, and then on the last 10 pages it's like "...Meanwhile, Hermione was a time lord."
posted by Sara C. at 4:56 PM on January 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
Like who writes an entire novel about whatever the fuck Harry was up to in that book, and then on the last 10 pages it's like "...Meanwhile, Hermione was a time lord."
posted by Sara C. at 4:56 PM on January 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
I always wanted a book from Snape's POV. Thanks to the fantastic replies above, I'm thinking more along the lines of:
Severus Snape and The Time I Got To Kill My Boss - Part One
Severus Snape and the Emo Cape
Severus Snape and the Sour Taste Of Failure
posted by Sphinx at 5:03 PM on January 16, 2015 [11 favorites]
Severus Snape and The Time I Got To Kill My Boss - Part One
Severus Snape and the Emo Cape
Severus Snape and the Sour Taste Of Failure
posted by Sphinx at 5:03 PM on January 16, 2015 [11 favorites]
The theme music is Taylor Swift. Because why the fuck not.
I dunno. I read it while a little tipsy and with The Partisan's Song and The 27 Division's Song in the background. Things got pleasantly fierce.
posted by Slackermagee at 5:07 PM on January 16, 2015
I dunno. I read it while a little tipsy and with The Partisan's Song and The 27 Division's Song in the background. Things got pleasantly fierce.
posted by Slackermagee at 5:07 PM on January 16, 2015
But I don't remember anything about this at all in the actual text.
She keeps saying she has other classes at the same time as classes that are currently in session, people say to her "see you in $_CLASS" all the time and ron & harry just sort of boggle cluelessly, one time she falls asleep after one class and can't turn back to make it to the class where harry and ron are expecting to see her, etc. It's all over the place, basically.
posted by poffin boffin at 5:40 PM on January 16, 2015 [18 favorites]
She keeps saying she has other classes at the same time as classes that are currently in session, people say to her "see you in $_CLASS" all the time and ron & harry just sort of boggle cluelessly, one time she falls asleep after one class and can't turn back to make it to the class where harry and ron are expecting to see her, etc. It's all over the place, basically.
posted by poffin boffin at 5:40 PM on January 16, 2015 [18 favorites]
There are all sorts of hints in the text. Things like Hermione being behind Ron and Harry, and then when they look again she's not there, or the time she misses class and is really perplexed and annoyed, the fact that her schedule is temporally impossible, all the extra homework she has compared to everyone else...
posted by ChuraChura at 5:40 PM on January 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by ChuraChura at 5:40 PM on January 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
also i want to rewrite the series where it's about a nebbishly little jewish wizard kid named heshie pincus
posted by poffin boffin at 5:41 PM on January 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 5:41 PM on January 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
heshie pincus and the alter kaker with the face beneath his kippeh
heshie pincus and the chamber of shvitzing
posted by poffin boffin at 5:43 PM on January 16, 2015 [8 favorites]
heshie pincus and the chamber of shvitzing
posted by poffin boffin at 5:43 PM on January 16, 2015 [8 favorites]
This is pretty fab.
posted by Pope Guilty at 5:58 PM on January 16, 2015
posted by Pope Guilty at 5:58 PM on January 16, 2015
Okay, so this is pretty cute, HermioneFeminism. Been done before.
And then:
Hermione did not like being ignored, nor did she like institutional gender bias.
So she set that bitch on fire.
Coffee out the nose.
posted by billybunny at 6:22 PM on January 16, 2015 [11 favorites]
And then:
Hermione did not like being ignored, nor did she like institutional gender bias.
So she set that bitch on fire.
Coffee out the nose.
posted by billybunny at 6:22 PM on January 16, 2015 [11 favorites]
This is the best Just Seventeen strip ever.
posted by arcticseal at 7:22 PM on January 16, 2015
posted by arcticseal at 7:22 PM on January 16, 2015
While I concur that a lot of this was repurposed from the First Time stuff, and the pictures are huge...well, I'll always appreciate seeing something with Hermione in the lead. Because she totally should have been. Except "Hermione Granger and the Philosopher's Stone" would have sold few books and never even had one sequel because PATRIARCHY.
I should probably mention that as I read Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, I'm on the S.P.H.E.W. section in which the first year girls decide to become heroines on their own, after Dumbledore basically told Hermione all she was going to do was be a sidekick.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:43 PM on January 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
I should probably mention that as I read Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality, I'm on the S.P.H.E.W. section in which the first year girls decide to become heroines on their own, after Dumbledore basically told Hermione all she was going to do was be a sidekick.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:43 PM on January 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
i'm always so confused about mefi's love for that fic because i found it an immensely tedious slog just to get through about 1.5 chapters.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:01 PM on January 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 9:01 PM on January 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
heshie pincus and the chamber of shvitzing
Why do I think Daniel Pinkwater already wrote this?
posted by the christopher hundreds at 9:12 PM on January 16, 2015 [4 favorites]
Why do I think Daniel Pinkwater already wrote this?
posted by the christopher hundreds at 9:12 PM on January 16, 2015 [4 favorites]
Yeah, I know. It kinda is a slog at times (waaaaay too many long arguments for chapters) and then there are moments of awesome that make you think, "JK Rowling did NOT think this stuff out well enough, there are so many improvements and mind blowing things this guy has come up with." So....I concur on the slogging, but if you can stick with it (which I have, though chapter 39 about did me in for several months before I came back), there's some crazy shit.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:26 PM on January 16, 2015
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:26 PM on January 16, 2015
*gasp* 😍
posted by Hermione Granger at 9:33 PM on January 16, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 9:33 PM on January 16, 2015 [17 favorites]
They're fucking amazing and the fucking worst. How could Harry come in from a muggle family and be so damn blase? How could Hermione be so ignored as the damn savior for most of the series? She does practically.everything book wise. Ron literally grew up around magic how is he so useles.?
posted by Carillon at 9:57 PM on January 16, 2015
posted by Carillon at 9:57 PM on January 16, 2015
Except "Hermione Granger and the Philosopher's Stone" would have sold few books and never even had one sequel because PATRIARCHY.
Katniss Everdeen would have some words with you.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:27 PM on January 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
Katniss Everdeen would have some words with you.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:27 PM on January 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
I loved this. Viewed it with the Mrs. and pretty much agreed that the bag of holding nails it for logic and style. Funny, she said " I know who will have the better career...(she does a good Hagrid) ...HERmiNEE".
posted by clavdivs at 11:25 PM on January 16, 2015
posted by clavdivs at 11:25 PM on January 16, 2015
The Hunger Games would never have made it in a pre-HP world, though, or a pre-Twilight one either, most likely. Shoulders of giants and all that. It took a couple groups of young women pushing a YA fantasy series to phenomenal success for that to be the new Big Dream for what fame and fortune can bring in that genre.
posted by NoraReed at 12:30 AM on January 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by NoraReed at 12:30 AM on January 17, 2015 [5 favorites]
Young women? Rowling was 32 when the first Harry Potter book came out as well as a single parent.
posted by MartinWisse at 3:32 AM on January 17, 2015
posted by MartinWisse at 3:32 AM on January 17, 2015
. Young women? Rowling was 32 when the first Harry Potter book came out.
I suspect they were talking about the books audience.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 5:52 AM on January 17, 2015
I suspect they were talking about the books audience.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 5:52 AM on January 17, 2015
Jesus bleeding Christ, 32 is barely out of diapers!
posted by evilDoug at 7:49 AM on January 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by evilDoug at 7:49 AM on January 17, 2015 [3 favorites]
Carillon: "Ron literally grew up around magic how is he so useles.?"
Magic use is a talent that is only partially genetic and depends at least a little on practice; your family being good at it doesn't automatically mean you'll be good at it. See for example the squibs with magic using parents.
posted by Mitheral at 2:21 PM on January 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
Magic use is a talent that is only partially genetic and depends at least a little on practice; your family being good at it doesn't automatically mean you'll be good at it. See for example the squibs with magic using parents.
posted by Mitheral at 2:21 PM on January 17, 2015 [1 favorite]
This is brilliant.
posted by homunculus at 3:06 PM on January 18, 2015
posted by homunculus at 3:06 PM on January 18, 2015
Nobody tell jenfullmoon about chapter 89. (Seriously my final judgement on HPMOR is totally dependent on how he resolves this.)
posted by Wretch729 at 9:36 PM on January 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Wretch729 at 9:36 PM on January 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Young women? Rowling was 32...
32 is still young. Right?
Please, God, tell me 32 is still young.
posted by brundlefly at 10:40 PM on January 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
32 is still young. Right?
Please, God, tell me 32 is still young.
posted by brundlefly at 10:40 PM on January 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Honey, I hear 60 is the new 40, so 32 is just getting started!
posted by eggkeeper at 5:32 PM on January 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by eggkeeper at 5:32 PM on January 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
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posted by Sara C. at 12:52 PM on January 16, 2015 [1 favorite]