How to Lose Weight in 4 Easy Steps
February 3, 2015 9:49 AM Subscribe
Aaron Bleyaert of the TV show CONAN explains how he lost 80 pounds in one year. It isn't altogether what you'd expect.
I already work out like crazy but heartbreak sends me into overload + the whole heartbreak not eating diet. Works a treat except for the yawning abyss of loneliness, natch.
posted by zutalors! at 9:57 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by zutalors! at 9:57 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
His sweat puddles have evaporated and coalesced on my cheeks for some reason.
Trauma diet has never worked for me... I cocoon and eat things.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:02 AM on February 3, 2015 [16 favorites]
Trauma diet has never worked for me... I cocoon and eat things.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:02 AM on February 3, 2015 [16 favorites]
Started reading it thinking it was funny, ended up with something in my eye.
posted by greenish at 10:02 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by greenish at 10:02 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
When I notice a middle-aged aquaintance losing weight, I know it's either cancer or a divorce.
posted by klarck at 10:04 AM on February 3, 2015 [40 favorites]
posted by klarck at 10:04 AM on February 3, 2015 [40 favorites]
This...kinda explains a lot in my life right now. Huh. I did not expect to become that person who goes to the gym as a response to trauma, but I sort of accidentally did.
(Go to a kickboxing class. Become legitimately afraid that you will spew in front of everyone. You don't, and also it turns out you're really good at hitting things really hard.)
posted by kalimac at 10:06 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
(Go to a kickboxing class. Become legitimately afraid that you will spew in front of everyone. You don't, and also it turns out you're really good at hitting things really hard.)
posted by kalimac at 10:06 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
When I notice a middle-aged aquaintance losing weight, I know it's either cancer or a divorce.Funny 'cause it's true.
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:06 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
The funny thing is that I started going to the gym and stopped caring about dating - not friendships or doing stuff, just about dating. I mean, really stopped caring. It makes me question what I was doing dating people in the first place, since there doesn't seem to have been anything involved except insecurity and the need for something to think about, now all replaced by wondering what the hell kind of exercises that one guy was doing last night and where can I learn to do them. It's kind of great.
I said I was making an anti-humanist mix tape when I started out with all this stuff, and it turns out that I did make a mix tape for an anti-human.
(It starts out with Praga Khan's "Injected With A Poison" and ends with Gang of Four, "We Live As We Dream, Alone", just in case you're curious.)
posted by Frowner at 10:06 AM on February 3, 2015 [16 favorites]
I said I was making an anti-humanist mix tape when I started out with all this stuff, and it turns out that I did make a mix tape for an anti-human.
(It starts out with Praga Khan's "Injected With A Poison" and ends with Gang of Four, "We Live As We Dream, Alone", just in case you're curious.)
posted by Frowner at 10:06 AM on February 3, 2015 [16 favorites]
Best of the web. Thanks for posting!
posted by Aizkolari at 10:06 AM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Aizkolari at 10:06 AM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
When I notice a middle-aged aquaintance losing weight, I know it's either cancer or a divorce.
I lost weight because the ubiquity of digital cameras meant I actually saw my back fat from behind. So yeah, trauma.
posted by srboisvert at 10:14 AM on February 3, 2015 [39 favorites]
I lost weight because the ubiquity of digital cameras meant I actually saw my back fat from behind. So yeah, trauma.
posted by srboisvert at 10:14 AM on February 3, 2015 [39 favorites]
You know, yeah, I got in crazy good shape the year I broke up and started doing burlesque dance class twice weekly. I wasn't fat to begin with but I went from "soft nerd with slight belly" to "tall hot skinny goddess". I did not fall into a relationship with anyone in class, though.
It's sure a lot better than the other breakup option of "find solace in food" though.
posted by egypturnash at 10:18 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's sure a lot better than the other breakup option of "find solace in food" though.
posted by egypturnash at 10:18 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Stress and personal tragedy are pretty much the only ways I know--other than major illness--to lose any significant amount of weight.
posted by crush-onastick at 10:20 AM on February 3, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by crush-onastick at 10:20 AM on February 3, 2015 [8 favorites]
I have a combination of anxiety, the remains of an eating disorder that was much worse when I was younger, and as a bonus, I take stimulants for my ADD because nonstimulant medication didn't work out for me. The result is that under stress I have a habit of just not eating. But that kind of trauma-based weight loss has a habit of just rebounding horribly, making me sick and exhausted, and making it even harder to get my life back on track. But this:
Get on the treadmill. Push yourself to level 3, then level 4. Then 6. Run so fast you feel like you are going to die. Hit level 10. Pray for death.
This is the one thing that has helped me, and I'm never going to hit level 10. Not just "go for a walk" kind of cardio, but "go until you want to die" kind of cardio. To me, this is less the one weird tip to lose weight, than the one weird tip to recover from heartbreaks. It's basically like taking heroin only legal and good for you and you don't nod off at inconvenient times. I haven't lost 80 pounds and gorgeous people don't hit on me and it really doesn't feel like it matters.
posted by Sequence at 10:21 AM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Get on the treadmill. Push yourself to level 3, then level 4. Then 6. Run so fast you feel like you are going to die. Hit level 10. Pray for death.
This is the one thing that has helped me, and I'm never going to hit level 10. Not just "go for a walk" kind of cardio, but "go until you want to die" kind of cardio. To me, this is less the one weird tip to lose weight, than the one weird tip to recover from heartbreaks. It's basically like taking heroin only legal and good for you and you don't nod off at inconvenient times. I haven't lost 80 pounds and gorgeous people don't hit on me and it really doesn't feel like it matters.
posted by Sequence at 10:21 AM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
I lost a shit ton of weight a while back when I was depressed and aimless (potentially life changing project was cancelled) and decided I needed to loose eight to fit into a vintage uniform and just dedicated three months to do it.
posted by The Whelk at 10:24 AM on February 3, 2015
posted by The Whelk at 10:24 AM on February 3, 2015
I said I was making an anti-humanist mix tape when I started out with all this stuff, and it turns out that I did make a mix tape for an anti-human.
I kind of want to hear this.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:24 AM on February 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
I kind of want to hear this.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:24 AM on February 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
I was already a serious runner when I got my heart handed to me, so there was nothing else to do but up the pace and the mileage. As advertised, it works amazingly well for a while, because feeling like an animal grown sore and lean through hard exercise beats depression any day.
Two facts about this plan, however. The first is that you can't outrun yourself. You're thinner and you sleep better and your moods are probably more stable since you quit drinking, but inside you're still the same wounded thing. The second is that if this is what drives you, you will eventually get hurt. Chondromalacia, strained adductors, stress fractures, labral tears: get ready for all of that. If your only way to cope involves burning your way through stress, it gets a hell of a lot harder when you're injured and immobile. And now the first fact becomes especially relevant.
Anyway, it's a gem of a plan while your body can stand it, but make no mistake, it has a built-in expiration date. Ask me how I know!
posted by informavore at 10:24 AM on February 3, 2015 [22 favorites]
Two facts about this plan, however. The first is that you can't outrun yourself. You're thinner and you sleep better and your moods are probably more stable since you quit drinking, but inside you're still the same wounded thing. The second is that if this is what drives you, you will eventually get hurt. Chondromalacia, strained adductors, stress fractures, labral tears: get ready for all of that. If your only way to cope involves burning your way through stress, it gets a hell of a lot harder when you're injured and immobile. And now the first fact becomes especially relevant.
Anyway, it's a gem of a plan while your body can stand it, but make no mistake, it has a built-in expiration date. Ask me how I know!
posted by informavore at 10:24 AM on February 3, 2015 [22 favorites]
He lost me at "no beer".
posted by monospace at 10:26 AM on February 3, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by monospace at 10:26 AM on February 3, 2015 [12 favorites]
The problem is now I'm in a new relationship and we eat out a lot and I'm like "f@ck it I still want my six pack"
posted by zutalors! at 10:26 AM on February 3, 2015
posted by zutalors! at 10:26 AM on February 3, 2015
When I notice a middle-aged aquaintance losing weight, I know it's either cancer or a divorce.Or weight loss surgery.
Yep. Dropped a crazy amount of weight when I was confined to bedrest for a chronic condition that kept me in nausea 24/7. I forced myself to eat a fast food "combo" a friend brought daily that was about 1,600 calories.
Not on bedrest anymore but I'm still dropping weight from not feeling as if can eat three meals a day of sufficient caloric content to at least not drop it dangerously.
posted by Buttons Bellbottom at 10:29 AM on February 3, 2015
I told my mother once, while she was gushing about how gloriously thin I was, that I had basically lost the weight through desperate misery, and she would know I was happy again when she couldn't see my collarbones anymore. Naturally she replied that she'd start looking forward to that day.
No, are you kidding? She just blithely waved it off and said maybe I'd get lucky and the weight loss would "stick." Because you know. It's better to be thin than emotionally functional.
Now that I'm in a better place, I love telling her in endless detail about all the fucking goddamn awesome food I eat, all the time. And being sure to mention when oops, got to get me some new jeans, these old ones are too tight. One of these days I'm sure her enthusiasm will be genuine. Sure.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:35 AM on February 3, 2015 [36 favorites]
No, are you kidding? She just blithely waved it off and said maybe I'd get lucky and the weight loss would "stick." Because you know. It's better to be thin than emotionally functional.
Now that I'm in a better place, I love telling her in endless detail about all the fucking goddamn awesome food I eat, all the time. And being sure to mention when oops, got to get me some new jeans, these old ones are too tight. One of these days I'm sure her enthusiasm will be genuine. Sure.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:35 AM on February 3, 2015 [36 favorites]
Aw, this was lovely. Thanks for the post, I definitely wouldn't have seen it otherwise.
posted by yasaman at 10:46 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by yasaman at 10:46 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
The anti-humanist mix tape (or really, playlist; I'm old, it's always a mix tape to me even though I haven't had a cassette player since 2007) in its present iteration is basically a lot of acid house and the very coldest-sounding untz-untz dance music I could possibly find. Plus lots of Gang of Four, Meat Beat Manifesto's "I Got The Fear" and "Asbestos Lead Asbestos", a particularly depressing song called "Coup" and Afrika Bambaataa's "Planet Rock" and also Elvis Costello's "Baby's Got A Brand New Hairdo". I mean, on technical points not all the lyrical content is anti-humanist, but all the songs help me to reject notions of the rational subject, justice, meaning, etc, and really get into that brutal present headspace. When I'm doing cardio stuff and the gym is packed with gym rat-type people and we're all on the treadmill to nowhere and everyone is fully invested in the idea of the entrepreneurial self and I feel the need to kill what is pre-neoliberal about myself, it helps.
posted by Frowner at 10:47 AM on February 3, 2015 [33 favorites]
posted by Frowner at 10:47 AM on February 3, 2015 [33 favorites]
Yep. This. I've definitely had the trauma diet. The no beer and no fruit juice thing is definitely spot-on, tho.
Although I'll add as a corollary that if you get divorced and are ok with it, but the person you're divorcing has eating issues which cause them to buy way too much unhealthy food everyday when they order out, food which you eat out of guilt over wasting food and/or money, food which once eaten causes you to pack on over 50 lbs until you are the fattest you have ever been? Post-divorce-yet-utterly-without-trauma you will lose all that weight almost effortlessly because now you're not eating 4000 calories at 10 pm and then going straight to bed every day and are instead observing healthy eating patterns and eating healthy food, yet everyone will still nod and smile and give you THAT LOOK that says that they think that you are utterly traumatized and broken and are not eating nor taking care of yourself. So you might get painted with that brush no matter how much nodding and smiling and talking about how happy you are with the divorce you might do.
posted by nevercalm at 10:54 AM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
Although I'll add as a corollary that if you get divorced and are ok with it, but the person you're divorcing has eating issues which cause them to buy way too much unhealthy food everyday when they order out, food which you eat out of guilt over wasting food and/or money, food which once eaten causes you to pack on over 50 lbs until you are the fattest you have ever been? Post-divorce-yet-utterly-without-trauma you will lose all that weight almost effortlessly because now you're not eating 4000 calories at 10 pm and then going straight to bed every day and are instead observing healthy eating patterns and eating healthy food, yet everyone will still nod and smile and give you THAT LOOK that says that they think that you are utterly traumatized and broken and are not eating nor taking care of yourself. So you might get painted with that brush no matter how much nodding and smiling and talking about how happy you are with the divorce you might do.
posted by nevercalm at 10:54 AM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
He lost me at "no beer".
When Chris Pratt got all lean and ripped to be in Guardians of the Galaxy, the in-story explanation in Parks and Recreation for why lovable doofus Andy Dwyer was suddenly not soft and doughy anymore was essentially, "Yeah, I stopped drinking beer!"
posted by Naberius at 10:56 AM on February 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
When Chris Pratt got all lean and ripped to be in Guardians of the Galaxy, the in-story explanation in Parks and Recreation for why lovable doofus Andy Dwyer was suddenly not soft and doughy anymore was essentially, "Yeah, I stopped drinking beer!"
posted by Naberius at 10:56 AM on February 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
Good but now I feel depressed.
posted by Carillon at 10:56 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Carillon at 10:56 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
What if you never drank beer and rarely ate out in the first place?
posted by Dreidl at 10:57 AM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Dreidl at 10:57 AM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
klarck: "When I notice a middle-aged aquaintance losing weight, I know it's either cancer or a divorce."
For me it was cancer. My Dad's pancreatic cancer at age 63 that is now nipping at my heels on a near daily basis. Only about 30 lbs over a year or so, but I'm trying to take it slow to keep it sustainable.
posted by Rock Steady at 11:02 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
For me it was cancer. My Dad's pancreatic cancer at age 63 that is now nipping at my heels on a near daily basis. Only about 30 lbs over a year or so, but I'm trying to take it slow to keep it sustainable.
posted by Rock Steady at 11:02 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Awesome post. Great comments. Look thick. Solid. Tight."
posted by the man of twists and turns at 11:03 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by the man of twists and turns at 11:03 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
I... kinda really didn't like this. The horrible ex-girlfriend "fucking around with gross and terrible people" and the perfect new relationship with the much better beautiful girlfriend - maybe that's really how it went, but that's how so many stories seem to go. It doesn't matter what the specific plot is, it always starts with an awful bitch girlfriend stomping all over a dude's heart and ends with the dude in a sparkling new conflict-free relationship.
Maybe I'm cynical, maybe I'm a feminist killjoy. But that particular narrative stopped pulling at my heartstrings after, oh, the first two hundred times.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:06 AM on February 3, 2015 [43 favorites]
Maybe I'm cynical, maybe I'm a feminist killjoy. But that particular narrative stopped pulling at my heartstrings after, oh, the first two hundred times.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:06 AM on February 3, 2015 [43 favorites]
The horrible ex-girlfriend "fucking around with gross and terrible people"
Yeah, I did not care for that. I am willing to write a certain amount of it off as "at the time I felt like my "horrible" ex-girlfriend was fucking around with gross and terrible people, which is part of my whole description of feeling angry and miserable and like eating only skinless chicken breast".
I always wonder about people who really view their exes as both just horrible and awful and terrible and deeply mourned. I mean, if you're always dating people and then discovering that they are actually terrible, that just means that you're waiting to find out the horrible truth about the new person, for one thing. And for another, if they're so terrible, shouldn't you be glad to be shot of them?
posted by Frowner at 11:12 AM on February 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
Yeah, I did not care for that. I am willing to write a certain amount of it off as "at the time I felt like my "horrible" ex-girlfriend was fucking around with gross and terrible people, which is part of my whole description of feeling angry and miserable and like eating only skinless chicken breast".
I always wonder about people who really view their exes as both just horrible and awful and terrible and deeply mourned. I mean, if you're always dating people and then discovering that they are actually terrible, that just means that you're waiting to find out the horrible truth about the new person, for one thing. And for another, if they're so terrible, shouldn't you be glad to be shot of them?
posted by Frowner at 11:12 AM on February 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
That read to me more as the usual "oh they suck" thing that basically everyone says about an ex of any gender who has kicked their heart in the ass. There are repeated mentions of his stomach clenching, feeling bad, etc--those speak to me as coming from someone who has been profoundly hurt.
I get the cynicism though, and I get how tiring that narrative must be to hear.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:12 AM on February 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
I get the cynicism though, and I get how tiring that narrative must be to hear.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 11:12 AM on February 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
It doesn't matter what the specific plot is, it always starts with an awful bitch girlfriend stomping all over a dude's heart and ends with the dude in a sparkling new conflict-free relationship.
I don't think sob stories about horrible, awful exes are a gender exclusive phenomenon.
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:15 AM on February 3, 2015 [22 favorites]
I don't think sob stories about horrible, awful exes are a gender exclusive phenomenon.
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:15 AM on February 3, 2015 [22 favorites]
I'm with fffm on that. Those were his friends trying to cast her as the evil ex-girlfriend.
posted by kitcat at 11:15 AM on February 3, 2015
posted by kitcat at 11:15 AM on February 3, 2015
Googled pivoting curtsy lunges, that's a thing.
Sounds like a thing at the gym at Clarence House.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 11:16 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Sounds like a thing at the gym at Clarence House.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 11:16 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Chicken breast and steamed veggies ain't shit. Tofu and roasted veggies is where it's at.
posted by slogger at 11:17 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by slogger at 11:17 AM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
that particular narrative stopped pulling at my heartstrings after, oh, the first two hundred times
I don't know. It rang true to me and I found it quite painful to read. Cos hey, sometimes you are the heartbreaking bitch and that hurts in its own way. Sadly I only gain weight when I'm depressed as food handily doubles as both comforter and punishment. Want to feel better instantly yet feel shitty in the long run because your outsides should match your ugly insides? Pass the chocolate why thanks I'll have two.
posted by billiebee at 11:18 AM on February 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
I don't know. It rang true to me and I found it quite painful to read. Cos hey, sometimes you are the heartbreaking bitch and that hurts in its own way. Sadly I only gain weight when I'm depressed as food handily doubles as both comforter and punishment. Want to feel better instantly yet feel shitty in the long run because your outsides should match your ugly insides? Pass the chocolate why thanks I'll have two.
posted by billiebee at 11:18 AM on February 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
pivoting curtsy lunges
I totally did those in my strollercize class and they're fun!
posted by kitcat at 11:18 AM on February 3, 2015
I totally did those in my strollercize class and they're fun!
posted by kitcat at 11:18 AM on February 3, 2015
Googled pivoting curtsy lunges, that's a thing.
Wow, those look like they would rip my knees apart.
posted by slogger at 11:18 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Wow, those look like they would rip my knees apart.
posted by slogger at 11:18 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
If found the best tool for weight loss was sibling rivalry, my fat brother lost lots of weight then we weighed in at parents house at Christmas. I had become the fat brother. Immediately lost 30lb.
posted by Damienmce at 11:20 AM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Damienmce at 11:20 AM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Most effective for me is the anxiety diet, couple that with the cigarette diet and it's a winner! (Just replace dinner with a couple of cigarettes, works wonders).
posted by palbo at 11:49 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by palbo at 11:49 AM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
And then you talk to the hottie next to you at the gym, because you've been eyeing each other for months, and you ask about those weird leg exercises and what they are.
"Oh, they're called pistols. I can teach you how to do them."
And you say yes, because it's a chance to get closer, and really, how difficult could they be? You're pretty strong.
They're very difficult.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 11:52 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
"Oh, they're called pistols. I can teach you how to do them."
And you say yes, because it's a chance to get closer, and really, how difficult could they be? You're pretty strong.
They're very difficult.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 11:52 AM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
It doesn't matter what the specific plot is, it always starts with an awful bitch girlfriend stomping all over a dude's heart and ends with the dude in a sparkling new conflict-free relationship.
Eh. Agree with fffm and others that this is not gender-exclusive. I will attest that the cis het woman's version of this story doesn't get a lot of airtime because women are *supposed* to punish themselves and live ascetically.
And honestly, even when you know in your heart of hearts that your ex is just Being a Person, when you are very heartbroken it feels like they're Being a Person AT YOU for a while. Usually you move through the situation and go from "ex is a horrible person" to "ex is horrible FOR ME," or "being around ex makes me feel horrible," and the author does actually mention that shift at one point if I recall correctly.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:55 AM on February 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
Eh. Agree with fffm and others that this is not gender-exclusive. I will attest that the cis het woman's version of this story doesn't get a lot of airtime because women are *supposed* to punish themselves and live ascetically.
And honestly, even when you know in your heart of hearts that your ex is just Being a Person, when you are very heartbroken it feels like they're Being a Person AT YOU for a while. Usually you move through the situation and go from "ex is a horrible person" to "ex is horrible FOR ME," or "being around ex makes me feel horrible," and the author does actually mention that shift at one point if I recall correctly.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:55 AM on February 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
I really don't think that Aaron is putting this forth as a purely positive method and/or story.
posted by Etrigan at 12:00 PM on February 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 12:00 PM on February 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
They're very difficult.
Oh my god yes, of course they are. They're like if you took a split squat and made it even harder. And it's not like I'm some kind of split-squat-doing champion; I still wobble a lot.
What's amazing about going to the gym - you realize that many ways that you assumed that you could bend or stretch, you actually cannot.
The saddest moment was when I realized that the last time I had been going to the gym regularly, back in my late twenties, I had been able to kick my leg up over the barre thing for hamstring stretches really easily, and on my relatively recent return to the gym I could not do it at all. Now I kind of can, but it really, really made me feel so old. And when I was doing the sort of side-kicking things and it hurt all the way down the inside of my leg and then I wobbled? Oh god I'm going to die one day aren't I.
posted by Frowner at 12:00 PM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
Oh my god yes, of course they are. They're like if you took a split squat and made it even harder. And it's not like I'm some kind of split-squat-doing champion; I still wobble a lot.
What's amazing about going to the gym - you realize that many ways that you assumed that you could bend or stretch, you actually cannot.
The saddest moment was when I realized that the last time I had been going to the gym regularly, back in my late twenties, I had been able to kick my leg up over the barre thing for hamstring stretches really easily, and on my relatively recent return to the gym I could not do it at all. Now I kind of can, but it really, really made me feel so old. And when I was doing the sort of side-kicking things and it hurt all the way down the inside of my leg and then I wobbled? Oh god I'm going to die one day aren't I.
posted by Frowner at 12:00 PM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
I always wonder about people who really view their exes as both just horrible and awful and terrible and deeply mourned.
No relationship is objectively horrible 100% of the time. People miss the good parts and the projected future and the potential, while being very very glad to be well quit of, say, the cheating and the lying. My own "terrible" ex is actually kind of a genuinely bad person but in many ways he treated me well and we had fun together. I don't mourn him anymore but at first, sure I did. It coulda been a contender, as they say, except he was a fuckaround bastard.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:00 PM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
No relationship is objectively horrible 100% of the time. People miss the good parts and the projected future and the potential, while being very very glad to be well quit of, say, the cheating and the lying. My own "terrible" ex is actually kind of a genuinely bad person but in many ways he treated me well and we had fun together. I don't mourn him anymore but at first, sure I did. It coulda been a contender, as they say, except he was a fuckaround bastard.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:00 PM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
1.) NO BEER
This is a big one, and one that you’ve probably heard before. Every time you drink a beer, it’s like eating seven slices of bread. That’s a lot of bread!
I call all kinds of shenanigans on this.
Slice of whole wheat bread: 69 calories
16 oz of Guinness: 210 calories
OK so that's three slices of bread drinking a fairly heavy beer. Drop yourself down to a blond lager and you can go as low as 128 calories before hitting light beer territory (and you don't want to go there). I'll gladly skip the bun on my bratwurst and have it with a Yuengling.
I think maybe the problem here is more that the author was drinking 3 or more beers at one sitting while going out with friends, which probably also left him sluggish and inactive the following day.
posted by xthlc at 12:24 PM on February 3, 2015
This is a big one, and one that you’ve probably heard before. Every time you drink a beer, it’s like eating seven slices of bread. That’s a lot of bread!
I call all kinds of shenanigans on this.
Slice of whole wheat bread: 69 calories
16 oz of Guinness: 210 calories
OK so that's three slices of bread drinking a fairly heavy beer. Drop yourself down to a blond lager and you can go as low as 128 calories before hitting light beer territory (and you don't want to go there). I'll gladly skip the bun on my bratwurst and have it with a Yuengling.
I think maybe the problem here is more that the author was drinking 3 or more beers at one sitting while going out with friends, which probably also left him sluggish and inactive the following day.
posted by xthlc at 12:24 PM on February 3, 2015
I lost 15 pounds in a month, immediately after I left my husband, and another 15 pounds in the 2 months after. I wasn't necessarily overweight and I'm pretty short, so everyone noticed right away.
I didn't intentionally change my diet or start exercising. I was just too terrified about what the hell I was going to do with the rest of my life to think about food. I would also get home from work and pour myself a pint glass full of pinot grigio from a box, which was the only thing that would allow me to fall asleep at night without laying in bed in sheer terror for 3 hours. 1 or 2 of those a night made me a little to nauseous to eat the next day.
Somehow I've managed to keep the weight off during the past year, the terror has gone away, and I'm happier than I've ever been. When people ask me how I lost the weight, I tell them it was a very efficient diet, but I don't recommend it.
posted by elvissa at 12:25 PM on February 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
I didn't intentionally change my diet or start exercising. I was just too terrified about what the hell I was going to do with the rest of my life to think about food. I would also get home from work and pour myself a pint glass full of pinot grigio from a box, which was the only thing that would allow me to fall asleep at night without laying in bed in sheer terror for 3 hours. 1 or 2 of those a night made me a little to nauseous to eat the next day.
Somehow I've managed to keep the weight off during the past year, the terror has gone away, and I'm happier than I've ever been. When people ask me how I lost the weight, I tell them it was a very efficient diet, but I don't recommend it.
posted by elvissa at 12:25 PM on February 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
xthlc: "OK so that's three slices of bread drinking a fairly heavy beer. Drop yourself down to a blond lager and you can go as low as 128 calories before hitting light beer territory (and you don't want to go there). I'll gladly skip the bun on my bratwurst and have it with a Yuengling."
Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
posted by boo_radley at 12:31 PM on February 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
posted by boo_radley at 12:31 PM on February 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
grumpybear69: "Ah yes, the trauma diet! It is effective."
The only time I ever was not hungry was during the most brutal emotional breakup I ever experienced in 2011. For 4 days I ate absolutely nothing. Not fighting off any hunger or anything just a pure lack of any hunger at all. All my emotional (and physical energy) resources were plowed into fretting, worrying, planning, trying to figure out a way to end a crumbling relationship.
It was a strange combination of depression and desperation. I realize it was folly, silly and dumb. But in the throes of it, I could think of nothing but attempting to repair this.
I just can't believe that I went 4 days without even a hint of hunger's delicate bone scratching in my stomach.
posted by symbioid at 12:33 PM on February 3, 2015
The only time I ever was not hungry was during the most brutal emotional breakup I ever experienced in 2011. For 4 days I ate absolutely nothing. Not fighting off any hunger or anything just a pure lack of any hunger at all. All my emotional (and physical energy) resources were plowed into fretting, worrying, planning, trying to figure out a way to end a crumbling relationship.
It was a strange combination of depression and desperation. I realize it was folly, silly and dumb. But in the throes of it, I could think of nothing but attempting to repair this.
I just can't believe that I went 4 days without even a hint of hunger's delicate bone scratching in my stomach.
posted by symbioid at 12:33 PM on February 3, 2015
1.) NO BEER
This is a big one, and one that you’ve probably heard before. Every time you drink a beer, it’s like eating seven slices of bread. That’s a lot of bread!
I call all kinds of shenanigans on this
It is comedy piece not real advice
posted by zutalors! at 12:50 PM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is a big one, and one that you’ve probably heard before. Every time you drink a beer, it’s like eating seven slices of bread. That’s a lot of bread!
I call all kinds of shenanigans on this
It is comedy piece not real advice
posted by zutalors! at 12:50 PM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
This guy's advice is almost all wrong. First, it's completely possible to drop just tons of weight without ever even stepping into a gym; you just have to limit yourself to eating nothing but salad for 6 months because the thought of food revolts you and you just want to get something down so that you have fuel for sitting at the window and smoking while you try to reconstruct the details. At rest, the metabolic load of the brain is about 20%, but if you're spending 6-8 hours in sullen rumination every evening, trying to understand, you can easily bump that up to twenty-five, even thirty percent.
That's an extra 100-200 calories you burned just while sitting there.
Factor in the increased cognitive demand on a day to day basis to keep yourself from completely losing it at work, to fake a smile and blurge out a laugh when someone says something that might have been clever? you're in no position to judge - and you start getting into serious weight loss territory.
And point 1 is so wrong as to be laughable. You can totally drink beer. In fact, you can drink more beer. You can drink beer until the part of you that wants to scream about how you were lied to, tricked, lured into this, the part you actively fight down every god-damned second of the day for fear of being regarded as that guy who isn't mature enough to handle a breakup, is finally quiet and numb and lets the sleeping pills you took like four hours ago get a hold on your CNS at around 3AM, sending you into an uncomfortable and restless sleep. That's when your subconscious gets to have its way with your shattered psyche.
He's right about the fruit juice, though. Way too much sugar.
posted by logicpunk at 12:57 PM on February 3, 2015 [24 favorites]
That's an extra 100-200 calories you burned just while sitting there.
Factor in the increased cognitive demand on a day to day basis to keep yourself from completely losing it at work, to fake a smile and blurge out a laugh when someone says something that might have been clever? you're in no position to judge - and you start getting into serious weight loss territory.
And point 1 is so wrong as to be laughable. You can totally drink beer. In fact, you can drink more beer. You can drink beer until the part of you that wants to scream about how you were lied to, tricked, lured into this, the part you actively fight down every god-damned second of the day for fear of being regarded as that guy who isn't mature enough to handle a breakup, is finally quiet and numb and lets the sleeping pills you took like four hours ago get a hold on your CNS at around 3AM, sending you into an uncomfortable and restless sleep. That's when your subconscious gets to have its way with your shattered psyche.
He's right about the fruit juice, though. Way too much sugar.
posted by logicpunk at 12:57 PM on February 3, 2015 [24 favorites]
That night when you get home you research the best shoes for trail running and click “buy”. The shoes are a hundred dollars.
THIS IS OBVIOUSLY FICTION
posted by Shepherd at 1:05 PM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
THIS IS OBVIOUSLY FICTION
posted by Shepherd at 1:05 PM on February 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
Nice to see people still sticking to the classic form.
posted by sourwookie at 1:11 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by sourwookie at 1:11 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
it always starts with an awful bitch girlfriend stomping all over a dude's heart and ends with the dude in a sparkling new conflict-free relationship.
Can totally see where you're coming from and yeah those stories (and this) have a sexist bent to them...
The only thing I can say is that this (really) worked for me because it was so clear that this wasn't about the girl at all but about the guy's inner world shrinking and shrinking until all he could see was workouts so it's less girl = bitch more help where am i, and that the new relationship is awesome because a) narrative arc and b) he's in it.
posted by litleozy at 1:16 PM on February 3, 2015
Can totally see where you're coming from and yeah those stories (and this) have a sexist bent to them...
The only thing I can say is that this (really) worked for me because it was so clear that this wasn't about the girl at all but about the guy's inner world shrinking and shrinking until all he could see was workouts so it's less girl = bitch more help where am i, and that the new relationship is awesome because a) narrative arc and b) he's in it.
posted by litleozy at 1:16 PM on February 3, 2015
that this wasn't about the girl at all but about the guy's inner world shrinking and shrinking
Yeah also I can identify with the idea that it doesn't even matter if the person was a jerk or not, or if they're happy or not, it's your shit you have to deal with and churn through. That's the thing for me - on Ask and IRL people are always like, "Move On!" and after a recent break up people were like sending me pictures of Elsa from Frozen with "Let it Go" written on it if I talked to them about how much I missed him or whatever and it's like, yeah, I KNOW, it just takes time. Like not
the next day time, but months and sometimes years of time. And the whole time your brain is like "here's something to think about, your ex! Here is a list of sucky things about the breakup plus how fun everything was and and and" so to fill that up with the gym seems like a great idea, because talking to people is all Frozen memes and why aren't you over this already. OH - and my personal favorite, "here's what you did wrong and what you should fix so your next relationship doesn't end."
I did the gym thing, plus learning to sing and play along to my guitar, mostly because that took up my whole brain and also made a lot of noise so I couldn't notice the deathly quiet in my apartment.
posted by zutalors! at 1:22 PM on February 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
Yeah also I can identify with the idea that it doesn't even matter if the person was a jerk or not, or if they're happy or not, it's your shit you have to deal with and churn through. That's the thing for me - on Ask and IRL people are always like, "Move On!" and after a recent break up people were like sending me pictures of Elsa from Frozen with "Let it Go" written on it if I talked to them about how much I missed him or whatever and it's like, yeah, I KNOW, it just takes time. Like not
the next day time, but months and sometimes years of time. And the whole time your brain is like "here's something to think about, your ex! Here is a list of sucky things about the breakup plus how fun everything was and and and" so to fill that up with the gym seems like a great idea, because talking to people is all Frozen memes and why aren't you over this already. OH - and my personal favorite, "here's what you did wrong and what you should fix so your next relationship doesn't end."
I did the gym thing, plus learning to sing and play along to my guitar, mostly because that took up my whole brain and also made a lot of noise so I couldn't notice the deathly quiet in my apartment.
posted by zutalors! at 1:22 PM on February 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
The only time I ever was not hungry was during the most brutal emotional breakup I ever experienced in 2011.
For me it was that the extreme anxiety and minute-by-minute horror I was experiencing (days felt like slow walks over broken glass, and every morning was a fresh hell) ramped up my metabolism to the point where I was eating super burritos right before bedtime to see if I could gain weight.
These days all I need to do is look at a hamburger,
posted by grumpybear69 at 1:23 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
For me it was that the extreme anxiety and minute-by-minute horror I was experiencing (days felt like slow walks over broken glass, and every morning was a fresh hell) ramped up my metabolism to the point where I was eating super burritos right before bedtime to see if I could gain weight.
These days all I need to do is look at a hamburger,
posted by grumpybear69 at 1:23 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I always wonder about people who really view their exes as both just horrible and awful and terrible and deeply mourned.
The first women I ever loved left me with facial scars (thankfully very faint by now) that were delivered in year 2 of a 5 year relationship.
If people made sense we would have been uploaded to the cloud by now.
posted by srboisvert at 1:30 PM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
The first women I ever loved left me with facial scars (thankfully very faint by now) that were delivered in year 2 of a 5 year relationship.
If people made sense we would have been uploaded to the cloud by now.
posted by srboisvert at 1:30 PM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Ah yes, the trauma diet! It is effective.
Yeah, the best "diet" I ever had went like this:
1) do a study abroad program
2) have no friends who are in your program
3) eat a sandwich for lunch every day (ok, those were actually awesome)
4) eat a ham and cheese sandwich for dinner alone in your room every night
5) sleep 6 hours a night at best
Lost 15 pounds, it was great! :D ... totally great...
posted by capricorn at 1:38 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yeah, the best "diet" I ever had went like this:
1) do a study abroad program
2) have no friends who are in your program
3) eat a sandwich for lunch every day (ok, those were actually awesome)
4) eat a ham and cheese sandwich for dinner alone in your room every night
5) sleep 6 hours a night at best
Lost 15 pounds, it was great! :D ... totally great...
posted by capricorn at 1:38 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Antidote: fall back in love.
My partner was training for a marathon, and I was training for a triathlon when we met. Years later, we have collectively gained something like 80lb. Love tastes like pot roast, cobbler, and whiskey.
posted by slipthought at 1:41 PM on February 3, 2015 [15 favorites]
My partner was training for a marathon, and I was training for a triathlon when we met. Years later, we have collectively gained something like 80lb. Love tastes like pot roast, cobbler, and whiskey.
posted by slipthought at 1:41 PM on February 3, 2015 [15 favorites]
I ALSO HAVE A DISAGREEMENT WITH THE EFFICACY OF POINT ONE, TWO OR FOUR
posted by ominous_paws at 2:17 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by ominous_paws at 2:17 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
If I lose weight and then someone attractive wants to bone me and gives me their number but I don't care anymore and throw any the number because I want some awesome work out shoes, I don't want to lose weight. I'm 40 and I've found a fair number of people are fine having sex with pleasingly plump Josher71.
posted by josher71 at 3:17 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by josher71 at 3:17 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
My partner was training for a marathon, and I was training for a triathlon when we met. Years later, we have collectively gained something like 80lb. Love tastes like pot roast, cobbler, and whiskey.
And tacos.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:34 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
And tacos.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:34 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
My partner was training for a marathon, and I was training for a triathlon when we met. Years later, we have collectively gained something like 80lb.
I think your best bet is to put some of that in a Roth IRA. You won't have to pay any taxes on any of your gains unless you break up earlier than the vesting period. You might also want to see if you can get an employer match.
posted by srboisvert at 3:38 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think your best bet is to put some of that in a Roth IRA. You won't have to pay any taxes on any of your gains unless you break up earlier than the vesting period. You might also want to see if you can get an employer match.
posted by srboisvert at 3:38 PM on February 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
My partner was training for a marathon, and I was training for a triathlon when we met.
Ahahaha. Try this:
1. Be an endurance athlete.
2. Fall in love with someone who is not an athlete.
3. Suffer an injury that prevents you from exercising for a while.
4. Move in with your now-S.O.
5. When now-S.O. announces an intention to attempt your athletic pursuit, (a) genuinely cheer him on and (b) quietly curse the incredibly difficult-to-lose extra weight you have gained since your relationship started.
6. Shrug, go have taco.
posted by psoas at 3:40 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ahahaha. Try this:
1. Be an endurance athlete.
2. Fall in love with someone who is not an athlete.
3. Suffer an injury that prevents you from exercising for a while.
4. Move in with your now-S.O.
5. When now-S.O. announces an intention to attempt your athletic pursuit, (a) genuinely cheer him on and (b) quietly curse the incredibly difficult-to-lose extra weight you have gained since your relationship started.
6. Shrug, go have taco.
posted by psoas at 3:40 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
MetaFilter: Shrug, go have taco.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:59 PM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:59 PM on February 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
using a manual wheelchair has given me, a skinny chick in her mid-forties, the arms, abs, and torso of Athena.
but if this were a party I would not say that because I think conversation would awkwardly grind to a halt
posted by angrycat at 4:48 PM on February 3, 2015 [9 favorites]
but if this were a party I would not say that because I think conversation would awkwardly grind to a halt
posted by angrycat at 4:48 PM on February 3, 2015 [9 favorites]
For some reason, this piece reminded me of standup comedian Jon Steinberg's bit about people saying that waxing is the most painful way to remove hair: "which surprised me: I would have guessed, chemotherapy."
posted by anothermug at 5:21 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by anothermug at 5:21 PM on February 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Old >70 guy here, with recent experience.
I gained weight steadily thru ages 45 -60,going from 175 to 245 pounds. I stayed at about 245 for 8 years. About two years ago I started taking zocor for too-high-cholesterol (250 or so). I didn't check my weight until a year ago,at a science museum. My weight on Venus ( fully dresses)was 268. Weight on earth is about 9% more. Yow!
I immediately went on the diet the post describes. I cut my food intake by half, and changed my snacks from potato chips and pretzels to carrots, kosher pickles, and kimchee. Also various Asian dry soups (in Asian markets, miso variants like ramen without the noodles--spinach,wakame (seaweed onion,etc), and huge carrots.
I did not weigh myself for almost two months, but last April I got a scale and entered my weight on a spreadsheet most every day. I lost 10 pounds a month in the ensueuing months (R=.98) until the beginning of November. I had passed thru obese and overweight (I used to be 6'1", now about 5'11"--age sucks and also sucks you down) and was at my high school weight of 165.
So I stopped dieting. I ate a whole sandwich for lunch instead of half of one, etc. (My diet was basically the one described in the article, except I drink mostly scotch, 3 or 4 shots per day, in weeks-long drinking and non drinking sessions. It did NOT seems to affect my weight a bit. Also, no lovey excitement--i hope we're done with that. Christ, our youngest kid is 33.)
Well, after losing 100 or so pounds, I got a bag of potato chips to celebrate. They were awful! Tasted like salty paper. Echh! Pretzels were and are still pretty good though.
I have also been running for the last few months, at the relaxed paced suggested for septaugenerians, and can go 3 miles at 12 minutes/mile with no trouble. I don't want to go longer because of injury fear.
I stopped taking zocor a few weeks ago (my doctor knows, etc) and have continued to lose weight at a slow rate. I am now noshing on knishes and weigh 158, less than my weight at age 12. Also, I am quite scrawny.
But I feel pretty good, and I thought I could never run again, and I can-at lower speed than 30 years ago, but it feels about the same.
posted by hexatron at 8:53 PM on February 3, 2015 [8 favorites]
I gained weight steadily thru ages 45 -60,going from 175 to 245 pounds. I stayed at about 245 for 8 years. About two years ago I started taking zocor for too-high-cholesterol (250 or so). I didn't check my weight until a year ago,at a science museum. My weight on Venus ( fully dresses)was 268. Weight on earth is about 9% more. Yow!
I immediately went on the diet the post describes. I cut my food intake by half, and changed my snacks from potato chips and pretzels to carrots, kosher pickles, and kimchee. Also various Asian dry soups (in Asian markets, miso variants like ramen without the noodles--spinach,wakame (seaweed onion,etc), and huge carrots.
I did not weigh myself for almost two months, but last April I got a scale and entered my weight on a spreadsheet most every day. I lost 10 pounds a month in the ensueuing months (R=.98) until the beginning of November. I had passed thru obese and overweight (I used to be 6'1", now about 5'11"--age sucks and also sucks you down) and was at my high school weight of 165.
So I stopped dieting. I ate a whole sandwich for lunch instead of half of one, etc. (My diet was basically the one described in the article, except I drink mostly scotch, 3 or 4 shots per day, in weeks-long drinking and non drinking sessions. It did NOT seems to affect my weight a bit. Also, no lovey excitement--i hope we're done with that. Christ, our youngest kid is 33.)
Well, after losing 100 or so pounds, I got a bag of potato chips to celebrate. They were awful! Tasted like salty paper. Echh! Pretzels were and are still pretty good though.
I have also been running for the last few months, at the relaxed paced suggested for septaugenerians, and can go 3 miles at 12 minutes/mile with no trouble. I don't want to go longer because of injury fear.
I stopped taking zocor a few weeks ago (my doctor knows, etc) and have continued to lose weight at a slow rate. I am now noshing on knishes and weigh 158, less than my weight at age 12. Also, I am quite scrawny.
But I feel pretty good, and I thought I could never run again, and I can-at lower speed than 30 years ago, but it feels about the same.
posted by hexatron at 8:53 PM on February 3, 2015 [8 favorites]
I've done this diet. I was in China, teaching English, fresh out of university. My then girlfriend was one year behind me at our school. We'd talked about where we would love together. Talked about a furniture that would look good in our house. She decided to break up with me, but wanted to wait until I got back from a month long Chinese New Year's vacation, so as not to ruin it. During my trip, I told pretty much anyone who would listen about my awesome girlfriend back home, including two or three gorgeous women who were actually flirting with me. Nope, I've got a great girlfriend.
I got back, and we talked on the phone. She had already figured the whole thing out a month before, and was annoyed that I was upset. I honestly almost vomited when she told me. I dreamt that night I was back at school with her, trying to convince her to take me back. I was stunned when I woke up that I was still in China, it seemed so real.
I didn't eat for three days. The university was on the verge of telling me to go home, because I could barely function for the first week.
Like a lot of universities in China, there were basketball courts everywhere. I started playing basketball after class with my students. Three, four hours a day, six days a week. I still drank (a lot), but I figured, if I went back to my apartment, I'd be alone, and that wasn't a good thing. After a while, I started jogging with a friend's fiancé, who I also played basketball with. I ran an eight minute mile for the first time in my life. I didn't have a scale, but I would guess I probably lost close to thirty or forty pounds over then ten months I was in China, most of that coming between February and June. It was easily the lightest I'd ever been.
Then I came to Japan, where basketball courts are scarce, and I was happy. Fat again. But yeah, horrible heartbreak is a great weight loss tool.
posted by Ghidorah at 9:10 PM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I got back, and we talked on the phone. She had already figured the whole thing out a month before, and was annoyed that I was upset. I honestly almost vomited when she told me. I dreamt that night I was back at school with her, trying to convince her to take me back. I was stunned when I woke up that I was still in China, it seemed so real.
I didn't eat for three days. The university was on the verge of telling me to go home, because I could barely function for the first week.
Like a lot of universities in China, there were basketball courts everywhere. I started playing basketball after class with my students. Three, four hours a day, six days a week. I still drank (a lot), but I figured, if I went back to my apartment, I'd be alone, and that wasn't a good thing. After a while, I started jogging with a friend's fiancé, who I also played basketball with. I ran an eight minute mile for the first time in my life. I didn't have a scale, but I would guess I probably lost close to thirty or forty pounds over then ten months I was in China, most of that coming between February and June. It was easily the lightest I'd ever been.
Then I came to Japan, where basketball courts are scarce, and I was happy. Fat again. But yeah, horrible heartbreak is a great weight loss tool.
posted by Ghidorah at 9:10 PM on February 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I know this diet.
The lunges are a meditation. Walking lunges. Forward lunges. Back lunges. Sissy lunges. Even step ups. And the flippant curtsey. All hip flexor and glute, feeling like an unrelated movement. Loading the bar. How much for how long? 65 pounds will never be enough. 95 pounds, maybe 115. 135. Take it to the rack and set the guards, it's too much to drop on the floor. Wobbling, burning struggling, mind clearing, triumphant relief.
For some of us, this isn't a quick fix, it's forever.
posted by littlewater at 11:08 PM on February 3, 2015
The lunges are a meditation. Walking lunges. Forward lunges. Back lunges. Sissy lunges. Even step ups. And the flippant curtsey. All hip flexor and glute, feeling like an unrelated movement. Loading the bar. How much for how long? 65 pounds will never be enough. 95 pounds, maybe 115. 135. Take it to the rack and set the guards, it's too much to drop on the floor. Wobbling, burning struggling, mind clearing, triumphant relief.
For some of us, this isn't a quick fix, it's forever.
posted by littlewater at 11:08 PM on February 3, 2015
I've done this diet. But i did the "get kicked out of my parents house in high school then live on a bare mattress in the living room of my friends abusive alcoholic conspiracy theorist dads house" version. I'm 6'2, and i weighed like 150lbs. Maybe 145, even. I've gained 40+lbs since then and i'm still skinny as fuck. It's always weird finding shirts and stuff i got and wore back then that pretty much try and explode off incredible hulk style if i even put them on now.
Everyones always like "oh, chicken is what you should eat if you're trying to eat healthy and work out" but chicken just makes me think of those days. Grocery store hot-n-ready rotisserie chickens, in the little plastic bubbles. And prepackaged salads that come with the croutons and dressing. That's like, all we ate. That and kids meals from the fast food restaurant we worked at.
To this day i rarely ever eat roast chicken or hamburgers. It's not so much some kind of PTSD thing as that i'm just... chicken and hamburgered out. Long breaks have to happen between instances or it won't be appealing. I guess that's what happens when you eat something every day for over a year.
I've never had this severe seething reaction to a breakup, but i don't think i'm above it. More that every time i have been broken up with and took it in any way hard, i was too busy being shitfaced drunk for the ensuing several seasons.
I don't think sob stories about horrible, awful exes are a gender exclusive phenomenon
They are presented in completely different, and totally gendered ways, though. The whole "and she's getting with all these GROSS people" thing is only ever in there when it's a woman in that shamey tone. I mean you could probably counterexample it, but the average way it gets presented in fiction or presumably jokey things like this is very different in my experience. It takes on a weird possessive air you don't get in the reverse, usually.
posted by emptythought at 4:38 AM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Everyones always like "oh, chicken is what you should eat if you're trying to eat healthy and work out" but chicken just makes me think of those days. Grocery store hot-n-ready rotisserie chickens, in the little plastic bubbles. And prepackaged salads that come with the croutons and dressing. That's like, all we ate. That and kids meals from the fast food restaurant we worked at.
To this day i rarely ever eat roast chicken or hamburgers. It's not so much some kind of PTSD thing as that i'm just... chicken and hamburgered out. Long breaks have to happen between instances or it won't be appealing. I guess that's what happens when you eat something every day for over a year.
I've never had this severe seething reaction to a breakup, but i don't think i'm above it. More that every time i have been broken up with and took it in any way hard, i was too busy being shitfaced drunk for the ensuing several seasons.
I don't think sob stories about horrible, awful exes are a gender exclusive phenomenon
They are presented in completely different, and totally gendered ways, though. The whole "and she's getting with all these GROSS people" thing is only ever in there when it's a woman in that shamey tone. I mean you could probably counterexample it, but the average way it gets presented in fiction or presumably jokey things like this is very different in my experience. It takes on a weird possessive air you don't get in the reverse, usually.
posted by emptythought at 4:38 AM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
As a middle aged guy that desperately needs to lose weight, I really hope I can come up with a different step 3. I really like my wife.
posted by DigDoug at 6:31 AM on February 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by DigDoug at 6:31 AM on February 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
I do admit that I envy people who just basically step up their exercise and knock off the potato chips and lose weight. I have a friend, for example, who started going to the gym and biking everywhere and changed nothing about her diet at all (she eats a bunch of meals out every week, including an extra post-going-out diner meal full of fried carbs at about 4am in the small hours of Saturday morning) and has lost about 100 pounds over the past year.
Meanwhile, I - already biking everywhere - started going to the gym like a fiend, made moderate dietary changes and....well, I'm a lot more toned and my stomach is a tiny bit flatter, but the only real significant change is that my chest and arms are getting bigger and I'm about to outgrow my shirts. (I thought that AFAB people who were not taking hormones had trouble putting on muscle mass - "don't be afraid of weightlifting, ladies, you won't get big!" says everyone, and really all I'm doing is curls and lat raises and that kind of thing, not even serious weights and my fucking shirts don't fit anymore.)
posted by Frowner at 7:16 AM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Meanwhile, I - already biking everywhere - started going to the gym like a fiend, made moderate dietary changes and....well, I'm a lot more toned and my stomach is a tiny bit flatter, but the only real significant change is that my chest and arms are getting bigger and I'm about to outgrow my shirts. (I thought that AFAB people who were not taking hormones had trouble putting on muscle mass - "don't be afraid of weightlifting, ladies, you won't get big!" says everyone, and really all I'm doing is curls and lat raises and that kind of thing, not even serious weights and my fucking shirts don't fit anymore.)
posted by Frowner at 7:16 AM on February 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
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posted by grumpybear69 at 9:57 AM on February 3, 2015 [7 favorites]