Just Checking In
February 23, 2015 11:14 AM   Subscribe

For no particular reason we’ve started sending emails to see who can make the other person experience the most profound sense of dread and panic.
posted by Sokka shot first (124 comments total) 57 users marked this as a favorite
 
I've flagged this and asked the mods to ban you.


Oh hey, this is fun.
posted by boo_radley at 11:19 AM on February 23, 2015 [33 favorites]


These are terrible.

Well done.
posted by Artw at 11:26 AM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Oh, this is hilarious.
posted by sidereal at 11:30 AM on February 23, 2015


time for that tech shabbat you keep talking about
posted by oceanjesse at 11:33 AM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


An Update On Metafilter.
posted by GuyZero at 11:33 AM on February 23, 2015 [7 favorites]


in bushwick

crying
posted by phooky at 11:34 AM on February 23, 2015 [7 favorites]


Subject: your timecard
posted by sidereal at 11:36 AM on February 23, 2015 [29 favorites]


Re: AskMe

Database breach on the Metafilter server. Someone is tweeting out links to old anonymous AskMe q's along with photos and real contact information of the asker. Looks like you are mentioned 3--no, make that 4--times. Tell your kids I'm sorry.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 11:38 AM on February 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


Your quonsar gift was offensive and over the line. That's the last straw, I'm sorry.
posted by duffell at 11:40 AM on February 23, 2015


Subject: [allstaff] FW: ACTION REQUIRED: Internet usage policy
posted by Kadin2048 at 11:44 AM on February 23, 2015 [38 favorites]


Re: job qualifications/ salary

Registrar's office at your alma mater called today. Seems they have an affidavit from an old roommate about some cheating in an elective course? Diploma has been rescinded. We've had to adjust your salary schedule accordingly until this is all cleared up. I think you can re-take the course once have settled the fines and appeared before the Board of Trustees.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 11:45 AM on February 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


Pretty sure this is a double.
posted by ftrain at 11:48 AM on February 23, 2015 [34 favorites]


MeTa.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 11:50 AM on February 23, 2015 [84 favorites]


You're on the front page of reddit.
posted by mhum at 11:52 AM on February 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Good news! The mods have decided that you'll have the honor of being the first participant in our "mod for a day" program. You'll be responsible for replying to all MeFi Mail accusations of mod bias for the next 24 hours. On an unrelated note, we're preparing to close several contentious/derailed FPPs related to the Israel/Palestine conflict, "new atheism," and arcane but passionately debated grammar rules. Please don't fuck this up.
posted by duffell at 11:53 AM on February 23, 2015 [7 favorites]


Subject: mom
posted by sidereal at 11:54 AM on February 23, 2015 [11 favorites]


Subject: Re: Accepted offer
Subject: Meeting with HR after lunch
Subject: Re: Refi credit requirements
posted by infinitewindow at 11:55 AM on February 23, 2015


This is gonna get real dark real fast.
posted by infinitewindow at 11:55 AM on February 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


Dude is that your apartment on TV!?
posted by infinitewindow at 11:57 AM on February 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


Subject: your husband
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:59 AM on February 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


I'd like to connect with you on LinkedIn.
posted by nev at 12:02 PM on February 23, 2015 [21 favorites]


Disaster preparedness: make sure your first hour isn't spent paralyzed with fear and dread, get an Anxiety Attacker Buddy today!

To be funded via Kickstarter.
posted by Slackermagee at 12:03 PM on February 23, 2015


Hahahaha . . . oh, these work on me. Except for the ones I'm not even cod-famous enough for.

I used to have a boss -- a good boss -- who would often call out, "Hey, [name], can I talk to you for a minute?" For years, this made my whole GI tract lurch. "Can I talk to you for a minute" was my mother's way of saying "I am so angry at a terrible thing you have done wrong that I am past even raising my voice." But it was my boss's way of saying "Can I talk to you for a minute?" Eventually, I learned to hear this without a tiny panic.
posted by Countess Elena at 12:04 PM on February 23, 2015 [31 favorites]


SUBJECT: i think you meant to put that in BCC
posted by GenericUser at 12:05 PM on February 23, 2015 [9 favorites]


Did you know that your address and phone number are being tweeted by some gaming site? Gaming Gate, I think?
posted by kyrademon at 12:05 PM on February 23, 2015 [11 favorites]


Yeah, i get things like:

FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: Training Opportunity, [SUBJECT] 101

...on subjects I'm more or less an expert in. Thanks, colleague.
posted by entropone at 12:07 PM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


I know this isn't a popular opinion around MetaFilter, but
posted by verb at 12:13 PM on February 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


"Can I talk to you for a minute" was my mother's way of saying "I am so angry at a terrible thing you have done wrong that I am past even raising my voice." But it was my boss's way of saying "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

I get the same panic, but mainly it's because I had a previous boss at a previous job from whom ""Can I talk to you for a minute?" was the prelude to some Kafkaesque accusation.

My current boss just wants to check in on something with no agenda. So yeah, still working through that one.

Now if I could just get my dad to stop typing otherwise innocuous subject lines in all caps because shit like CHRISTMAS PICTURES just reduces me to a kid being yelled at every single time.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:14 PM on February 23, 2015 [13 favorites]


[A few comments deleted. The ones that were less funny. I'm feeling like could we just knock that off for a bit.]
posted by sylvanshine at 12:14 PM on February 23, 2015 [54 favorites]


I haven't read the link, but judging by the comments it sounds like just the sort of single-link dreck MeFi is notorious for drooling all over.
posted by carsonb at 12:20 PM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


broken link
posted by duffell at 12:25 PM on February 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Yeah, it's low barrier entry stuff for sure. Just let this be a fun thread for some people, huh?
posted by boo_radley at 12:25 PM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


oh btw, your mother called me and we had an interesting chat about you...
posted by Zangal at 12:27 PM on February 23, 2015


Bright, witty writers being bright and witty, it's great.
posted by sidereal at 12:34 PM on February 23, 2015


Hi, it's me, your ex. You always said how much you liked Metafilter, so I thought I'd take a look around. But is seems like there are a whole bunch of questions you posted to the "Ask Metafilter" part of the site that I just don't think I can deal with. I mean with them just sitting there as if your problems were the most important things in the whole damn world. You always did this-- your version of things was the way it was, and hello reality! never worked with you. Thanks for letting know me about the STD. Oh wait! You didn't!

Fortunately the majority of those questions-- including the one about your feelings for "Karen" at work-- are still open for comments. I've asked her, and your boss, and your mom, to chime in. See you on the so-called Green, dude.
posted by jokeefe at 12:38 PM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


You're on the front page of reddit.

I did this to a coworker once and I have to say, it was pretty great.

I had stumbled across an embarrassing photo of him on facebook, one from his early college days, a few days prior. Kept it stowed in the back of my mind for later use.

Sent coworker a text in the middle of the workday being all, "is that you on reddit?"

"what?"

"Front page like halfway down? Looks like you but I can't really tell, some blonde girl wearing a green shirt, looks like maybe you're about to throw up?"

"WHAT HOLY SHIT shit I don't see it shit shit send me a link"

"Crap hold on, let me go find it again"

"Who would have posted that I swear if it was Mike I'm going to kill him or maybe it was my ex and she still hates me I CANT FIND IT you said it's front page what sub???"

"http://m.imgur.com/gallery/dQpr2"

Then there was a good 30 second pause and he stood up at his desk so I could see him from across the office and he just shook his head.

Highly recommended. 10/10 would prank again.
posted by phunniemee at 12:45 PM on February 23, 2015 [30 favorites]


Subject: Could you make the logo bigger?"
posted by surazal at 12:49 PM on February 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


*facepalm*
posted by infini at 12:51 PM on February 23, 2015


Subject: Lab Reports are Back. Please Call.
posted by 724A at 12:51 PM on February 23, 2015


Re: retirement savings plan- employer contributions IMPORTANT CHANGES
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:53 PM on February 23, 2015 [9 favorites]


Subject: Could you make the logo bigger?"

Contextless brevity is even more chilling:

Subject: new logo design

If we're going for maximum dread and panic.
posted by sidereal at 12:54 PM on February 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


This thread is a little early for April Fool's Day, but I very much appreciate it.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:54 PM on February 23, 2015


ITS ALL CAPS DAY TODAY!!!
posted by infini at 1:01 PM on February 23, 2015


Subject: Your password has expired
posted by halifix at 1:06 PM on February 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


From: PhD Advisor
Subject: (no subject)
posted by en forme de poire at 1:11 PM on February 23, 2015 [34 favorites]


Okay, this is a ton of fun... But I could only do this to a truly close friend. Anything other than that would spell the end of a friendship (/beginning of a cease and desist order).
posted by el io at 1:27 PM on February 23, 2015


Ran into your Ex yesterday
posted by Mchelly at 1:44 PM on February 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Subject: Aunt Patty's friend's son
Subject: Activity Alert: Your Account Has Insufficient Funds
Subject: When you have a minute
Subject: Saw this on Fox
posted by sallybrown at 1:49 PM on February 23, 2015 [9 favorites]


Subject: Call w/ Legal
Should just be a quick chat about something that got checked in with your code for the product's 2.3 release last month.

posted by ardgedee at 1:53 PM on February 23, 2015 [8 favorites]


My fear as a civil servant...

Time: Friday 4:04pm
Subject: URGENT SoS Briefing by COP!

(SoS stands for Secretary of State) .
posted by knapah at 1:54 PM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Subject: Downloaded the Geocities archive...

...is this your old high school poetry?
12 attachments
Download all
posted by jason_steakums at 1:57 PM on February 23, 2015 [9 favorites]


Subject: ETA?

Subject: quick question

Subject: you couldn't be more wrong

Subject: did you get my voicemail?

Subject: need to resked, what time is good for you?
posted by Mo Nickels at 1:58 PM on February 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


Subject: Final photos: Inconsistencies

I got that for real a week ago and I nearly threw up.
posted by photoslob at 2:15 PM on February 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


Your mother's on the roof and she won't come down.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 2:18 PM on February 23, 2015


Ooh, ooh I want in on this


Subject: Remember that time we did that thing
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 2:36 PM on February 23, 2015


Subject: URGENT! Rash - pics attached (NSFW)
posted by billiebee at 2:46 PM on February 23, 2015


Re: dinner... Symptoms?
posted by knapah at 2:50 PM on February 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


[voicemail indicator icon]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:51 PM on February 23, 2015 [30 favorites]


Subject: Restroom renovations
posted by theodolite at 2:53 PM on February 23, 2015


Re: Women's restroom
posted by Mchelly at 2:55 PM on February 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


Academia version

Subject: urgent! paper edits - see me
Subject: problem with grant app
Subject: need a quick chat about thesis
Re: Last minute reference letter - Autoreply: Out of Office

I'm getting nauseous just thinking about these.
posted by raeka at 3:00 PM on February 23, 2015 [8 favorites]


But I could only do this to a truly close friend. Anything other than that would spell the end of a friendship (/beginning of a cease and desist order).

Or amazing sex.
posted by Room 641-A at 3:01 PM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Subject: attire in the workplace
posted by um at 3:03 PM on February 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


Subject: plums in the icebox
posted by craven_morhead at 3:08 PM on February 23, 2015 [31 favorites]


Subject: Free bananas in the kitchen
posted by vers at 3:12 PM on February 23, 2015 [14 favorites]


Re: attendance
posted by en forme de poire at 3:17 PM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Oh hey the nursing home you sent your dad to was mentioned last night on 60 minutes thought you should know
posted by um at 3:19 PM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Subject: reproducing your research
Subject: Fwd: Lior Pachter's latest blog post
posted by en forme de poire at 3:20 PM on February 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


Subject: WHERE ARE YOU???!?/?
posted by Westringia F. at 3:22 PM on February 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


Subject: Weren't you enrolled in Organic Chem 302?? Final is at 11 AM!!
posted by gottabefunky at 3:28 PM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Subject: last night
posted by um at 3:31 PM on February 23, 2015 [4 favorites]


Subject: hey
posted by clavicle at 3:41 PM on February 23, 2015 [5 favorites]


Subject: Call me after you get off work
posted by jason_steakums at 4:00 PM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


You all are very good at this game; I'm not sure you should be proud of this, but I do know I'm never making you angry.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 4:15 PM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Subject: Personal use of work computer
Subject: Neighborhood Association First Notice
Subject: I am your downstairs neighbor

Similar to Countess Elena's old boss...I have a friend whose boss would just leave a sticky note on a staffer's keyboard with the words, "See Me."
posted by Morrigan at 4:16 PM on February 23, 2015 [9 favorites]


These are amazing.
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:28 PM on February 23, 2015


Subject: Don't You Usually Park Your 09 Red Camry on 18th St?
posted by 724A at 4:38 PM on February 23, 2015 [2 favorites]


The worst one of these I ever got in real life was when my husband was watching our toddlers and texted me:

"What is the number for poison control?"

... and then didn't pick up when I tried to call home in a panic.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:10 PM on February 23, 2015 [21 favorites]


oh god, these are the best.
posted by rebent at 5:58 PM on February 23, 2015


workplace related:

Subject: Please unsubscribe me from this list
posted by the agents of KAOS at 6:01 PM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Subj: Hey remember that patient you discharged last week?

Immediate feeling is "oh no, what did I miss?"

Generally the body of the email is "I saw them for this other thing, they said hi."

But still, the heart clench.
posted by maryrussell at 6:18 PM on February 23, 2015


Time: 08:30 Thursday May 24 2014
Subject: Your (JOURNAL NAME REDACTED) manuscript has been returned for correction

Time: 10:30 Thursday May 24 2014
Subject: Your (JOURNAL NAME REDACTED) manuscript has been returned for correction

Time: 11:30 Thursday May 24 2014
Subject: Your (JOURNAL NAME REDACTED) manuscript has been returned for correction

Time: 13:30 Thursday May 24 2014
Subject: Your (JOURNAL NAME REDACTED) manuscript has been returned for correction

Time: 16:45 Thursday May 24 2014
Subject: Thank you for your manuscript submission to (JOURNAL NAME REDACTED)

Time: 12:30 Friday May 25 2014
Subject: Your manuscript's COPYRIGHT is incomplete - (JOURNAL NAME REDACTED)

Time: 16:30 Friday May 25 2014
Subject: title page details - (JOURNAL NAME REDACTED) URGENT

Time: 17:30 Friday May 25 2014
Subject: New COPYRIGHT form for (JOURNAL NAME REDACTED) - ALL AUTHORS MUST COMPLETE

Time: 09:54 Tuesday July 12 2014
Subject: (JOURNAL NAME REDACTED) - Decision Letter for Manuscript 2014.1830 REJECT
posted by gingerest at 6:28 PM on February 23, 2015 [7 favorites]


]Subject: Regarding Mathowie's retirement

Subject: Can Google beat 8-Chan's bid for Metafilter?
posted by happyroach at 7:37 PM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Subject: Reminder: Timecard policy
posted by indubitable at 8:05 PM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Subject: Found out what that smell was
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:31 PM on February 23, 2015 [1 favorite]


Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: RE: Fwd: FWD: Fwd: FWD: FWD: FWD: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Fwd: obama
posted by jason_steakums at 8:59 PM on February 23, 2015 [13 favorites]


From: Grandma
Subject: Computer problems
posted by jason_steakums at 9:05 PM on February 23, 2015 [3 favorites]


I get this in my work's chat window. Every couple of days I just get:

hi
*pause for 2 minutes*
*get "boss is typing" message for five minutes straight*

It is a quantum state of simple question|exceedingly long and detailed problem that is going to suck up hours of my week. Usually the latter.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 10:24 PM on February 23, 2015 [6 favorites]


Got this one as a morning wake-up email:

Subject: just saw the news, are you ok?
posted by hooray at 12:47 AM on February 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Subject: Just a few changes. No biggie.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 1:15 AM on February 24, 2015


I'm actually going to have to remove this thread from my Recent Activity because just reading all these is making me so anxious. I think this is a high compliment to you all?
posted by pseudonymph at 2:30 AM on February 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


Subject: Terry Pratchett
posted by jeribus at 6:33 AM on February 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


Well here's one that's actually in my current inbox:

Subject: TurboTax: Federal Tax Return Rejected - Action Needed!

*barf*
posted by freecellwizard at 7:36 AM on February 24, 2015


Subject: Revisions needed to your budget (URGENT)

Subject: Overdue Notice

Subject: Timecard and Vacation Days Policy Changes IMPORTANT
posted by RedOrGreen at 8:35 AM on February 24, 2015


From: Joe T. Co-author
Subject: retraction
posted by Westringia F. at 9:43 AM on February 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


Subject: Procedure 110-Montauk




Subject: Office condolence card
posted by Smedleyman at 9:44 AM on February 24, 2015 [3 favorites]


Subject: help reseating toilet
posted by Westringia F. at 10:17 AM on February 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


My mom has occasionally sent me e-mails telling me to call her. Generally just a job opening she found that she can't easily just link to, but that doesn't stop me from freaking out every time.
posted by ckape at 10:26 AM on February 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


Subject: help reseating toilet

And now that's in my provider-side browsing history. Not cool.
posted by sidereal at 2:03 PM on February 24, 2015


Subject: There's something i need to tell you
posted by kitcat at 2:29 PM on February 24, 2015


Subject: Dude check your texts
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:42 PM on February 24, 2015


Gah, I just got one of these.

Subj: Corporate conference call 2 minutes
WTF! How could I not have known about that? Two minutes?! I'm not prepared for a conference call! What's it even about?!

Turned out it was a copy of the minutes from the last conference call (the second one on that topic). I will retaliate, of course.
posted by ctmf at 8:43 PM on February 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


(I get that from my wife daily)
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:43 PM on February 24, 2015


(The text checking I mean)
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:44 PM on February 24, 2015


Subject: Sorry
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:44 PM on February 24, 2015


Subject: RE: Austrian "Border"
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:45 PM on February 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Subject: RE: that tree in the garden I warned you about
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:47 PM on February 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Subject: Young teacher, of a school girl's fantasy
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:47 PM on February 24, 2015 [2 favorites]


(24) Subject: Ex-Girlfriend From High School Wants To Be Friends on Facebook!

(14) Subject: OK BUT WHO IS PAYING??? re: re: RE: re: fwd: fwd: tuesday night gals dinner!

Subject: RSVP ASAP PLEASE

(47) Subject: Your Racist Uncle also commented on Your Hippie Aunt's status.

Subject: whats for dinner

Subject: Action Required: Problem With Your Kindle Order


Gmail's habit of putting the number of unread messages on the left is my daily source of adrenaline.
posted by E. Whitehall at 9:28 PM on February 24, 2015 [1 favorite]


Subject: browser history
posted by Westringia F. at 5:46 AM on February 25, 2015 [2 favorites]


Subject: Updates to our privacy policy
posted by Westringia F. at 5:51 AM on February 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


Subject: passive aggression
posted by Smedleyman at 7:28 AM on February 25, 2015


Subject: How do you get sour cream out of a keyboard?

...I mean, um, I totally didn't just spill sour cream on my keyboard in a nacho disaster and spend 20 minutes disassembling and cleaning it, no way, definitely didn't just happen...

...and okay even if that did happen I definitely didn't do this like 10 minutes after dropping an entire cup of horchata all over my shoes...

...

posted by jason_steakums at 11:13 AM on February 25, 2015


(I have successfully put keyboards --wired kind -- through the dishwasher to clean them. In my family it is referred to as the "Mustard Incident of 09". YMMV)
posted by 724A at 11:42 AM on February 25, 2015


Subject: meeting re: living situation
posted by Pronoiac at 8:46 PM on February 25, 2015 [1 favorite]


Subject: Weren't you enrolled in Organic Chem 302?? Final is at 11 AM!!

Oh god I had nightmares about missing finals for YEARS after finishing school. Also about being required to take finals for classes I thought I had dropped, but hadn't.
posted by insectosaurus at 12:29 PM on February 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Oh god I had nightmares about missing finals for YEARS after finishing school. Also about being required to take finals for classes I thought I had dropped, but hadn't.

I just had one this week and my 10-year college reunion is this summer.
posted by en forme de poire at 5:22 PM on February 26, 2015


Countess Elena: " I used to have a boss -- a good boss -- who would often call out, "Hey, [name], can I talk to you for a minute?" For years, this made my whole GI tract lurch. "Can I talk to you for a minute" was my mother's way of saying "I am so angry at a terrible thing you have done wrong that I am past even raising my voice." But it was my boss's way of saying "Can I talk to you for a minute?" Eventually, I learned to hear this without a tiny panic."

When I was in my mid-teens I told my mom about this (also about how much I FREAKING HATED IT when she'd wait until we were in the car on a road trip (aka I WAS TRAPPED) to start a fraught conversation). After discussion we reached an agreement: from then on, "I want to talk to you" would mean she wanted to talk to me about something; "I want to talk to you, asshole" would mean she was mad about something I'd done.

Just to avoid misunderstanding, we had the kind of relationship where she'd call me "Buttface") and we both knew it meant "I love you more than I can express and it would bore and embarrass us both if I tried to say it in words".
posted by Lexica at 7:58 PM on February 26, 2015 [1 favorite]


Subject: IT'S BEDBUGS!
posted by happyroach at 11:41 PM on February 26, 2015 [2 favorites]


Subject: back door
posted by Pronoiac at 11:45 PM on February 26, 2015


pb: This is no longer a test.
posted by infini at 11:17 AM on February 27, 2015


happyroach: "Subject: Regarding Mathowie's retirement"

Huh.
posted by mhum at 12:52 PM on March 5, 2015 [5 favorites]


jeribus: "Subject: Terry Pratchett"

You son of a bitch.
posted by boo_radley at 1:00 PM on March 13, 2015 [1 favorite]


Subject's head asplodes.
posted by infini at 1:58 PM on March 13, 2015


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